Brooklyn Nine-Nine s07e09 Episode Script

Sir, I'd like to talk to you
about the new task force
you're on the hiring
committee for.
The Special Tactical
Operations and Auxiliary
Strategic Response
Citywide Emergency
Investigative Unit
for Emergency Operations?
You know, I had
a hand in naming it.
And it's great, although you
might wanna try shortening it,
maybe using a cool acronym.
So the STOASRCEIUEO?
Hmm, you're right.
That is cool.
Sure, anyways, I know some
of the best cops in the city
are gonna be
on that task force,
and I would appreciate it
if you'd consider me for it.
Here's my resume. And
I thought it would be fun
if I rapped it.
But then I realized that
would be a terrible idea,
so I just wrote it
down normally.
It'll probably rhyme
a lot on accident.
Try not to focus on that.
"Jake Peralta is age 39,
but professionally,
"he's still in his prime"
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
"If you ask me,
"he's New York's fine est.
Charles enters."
(RAPPING) Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat
Chucky B with the burner
Raining hot fire!
Charles, it's not a rap.
It never was.
Everyone's professional here.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Not the lyrics
we discussed either.
Anyways, sir,
I really think
that I deserve
this task force.
My clearance rate puts me
in the top 2% of all NYPD
I am aware of your
qualifications, Peralta,
but I'm only allowed
to recommend one name
for the STOASRCEIUEO.
And you don't think the
acronym's just a little clunky?
Oh, no, it's quite catchy.
Look, I really feel like
I've got what it takes.
I'm experienced,
I'm hardworking,
and I'm unflappable
in the face of
(LOUD BOOMING AND
CRASHING) (SCREAMS)
Oh, my God!
What was that?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM BLARING)
Scully, are you hurt?
Is that blood?
It's glitter.
There was a box
on Jake's desk.
I opened it,
and it just exploded.
I can't feel my face.
And, not to be rude,
but is that something
you can normally feel?
Oh, right.
I guess I'm fine.
HOLT: Jeffords,
evacuate the precinct.
I'll contact the bomb squad.
No, no, no, no, no, wait.
I think this actually
might have been a prank
that malfunctioned.
Look, the box was connected
to a tank of compressed air
under the desk.
It was supposed to shoot
glitter at whoever opened it,
but something
must have clogged
the pressure release valve,
and the tank exploded.
Wow. The silver lining
is no one got hurt.
And the lead lining
is that this prank
caused significant property
damage in the precinct.
Fair point, but we do shatter
a lot of glass around here.
Either it's Rosa
who's disappointed
in her Buzzfeed results
I am not a Blanche.
Or Charles trying
to bro out
Hut, think fast, dude.
Or just Terry gently
shutting a window
and forgetting
how strong he is.
And look at this.
Evidence was compromised.
Oh no, the shirt
from the Dekalb Street murder.
That's the only
hard evidence we have.
ADA Greene's already mad
we didn't find anything else.
Why is this
on your desk, Peralta?
I logged it out for trial,
but Officer Howard
is the one who got it
from the evidence locker.
Let's blame him.
He's always up to no good.
What? You don't even
know me.
Yes, I do.
Then what's my last name?
I thought it was Howard.
It's Booth.
My name is Howard Booth.
Okay, fine,
but just so you know,
the only thing I'm gonna
remember from this interaction
is that you put me
on the spot, so
Sir, I know this is important,
but I kinda gotta go.
Cagney and Lacey's
recorder concert's
in an hour and I promised
No one leaves until the
culprit is brought to justice.
But they're playing
Uptown Funk.
I wouldn't care if they
were playing actual music.
Whoever did this
was obviously
someone Peralta
pranked seeking revenge.
Who are his recent victims?
(CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry, but I'm the
Prankmaster General
and I take that role
very seriously.
Look at this.
There's a note.
It says, "Gotcha back, babe."
It was Amy.
Who else would
call Jake "babe"?
Charles went through
that year-long phase
where he called
everybody "babe."
Uh-huh.
I forget.
Did you guys like that?
ALL: No!
I still think it was Amy.
Obviously I'm
being framed,
probably by whomever
keeps accusing me.
HOLT: No one's asking
the obvious question.
Why did Scully
open a package
on Peralta's desk?
Perhaps he was
setting up the prank,
and it blew up in his face.
(ALL MUTTERING IN AGREEMENT)
No, I just saw a box
and I thought, "Oh,
cookies come in boxes."
(ALL MUTTERING IN AGREEMENT)
I bet it wasn't anyone
in this squad.
That's exactly what
a guilty person would say.
So in order to prove
my innocence,
I just need to start
pointing fingers?
Mmm-hmm.
Fine, it was Amy.
Really? Because the "Babe"
thing screams you, Charles.
Oh, you wanna hear screaming?
(SHOUTS) It was Amy!
It was Charles!
Somebody confess!
(SIREN BLARING)
(IN GERMAN ACCENT)
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
It appears a crime
has been committed,
and no one will confess.
Doing a German accent?
I was going for Belgian,
Like in Murder
on the Orient Express.
You sound like a Nazi.
Okay, not a great note to hear.
I'll just use my normal voice.
The point is a crime
has been committed,
and someone
in this room did it.
There are seven suspects
all with means and motive.
It appears what we have
is a classic whodunnit.
The phrase "whodunnit"
is a grammatical abomination.
Please use the proper term,
a "who has done this."
I will not, however,
in order to solve this case,
we need the very
finest of detectives,
one with a unique set
of skills, someone named
Dittman!
I'll call Dittman!
Who?
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I hear you need some help
with a "who has done this."
Squad, meet detective
Frank Dittman
of the San Francisco PD.
He is in town,
and we were supposed
to have lunch tomorrow,
but I asked him to come down
because I need an objective
set of eyes on this.
I can be objective.
Then tell me.
How do I look today?
Normal?
No. Dittman?
Bloated.
Thank you.
Dittman is the single
best detective
I have ever worked with.
Sadly, he was
unjustly fired
for investigating
corruption in the NYPD.
He hated dirty cops
so much
they used
to call him Mr. Clean.
Uh-huh, I'm sure that's the
only reason they called him that.
Because I'm bald?
You think that's funny?
I started shaving my head
20 years ago in solidarity
with my mother who was
undergoing chemotherapy.
Oh, look, I'm so sorry
I'm obviously lying.
It's classic male
pattern baldness.
But now, based
on your reaction,
I know every single thing
about you as a person.
That can't be true.
It is. You're cooked.
All right, let's get started.
I want written statements
from every witness.
Personnel files
for the entire squad.
Of course, I need to have
this desk dusted for prints,
see if we get a hit
on the AFI system.
Somebody could maybe
get rid of those pigeons.
And, of course,
I'll need to see any surveillance video.
Unfortunately,
this area's a blind spot.
The camera that covers it
broke two weeks ago,
and it hasn't been fixed yet.
Really don't want me to see that
security footage, do you, Lieutenant?
Hmm, I wonder why.
I was just
stating the facts.
I didn't do anything
to the camera.
I never thought you did,
but now I know
every single thing
about you as a person.
Everyone back off.
Dittman has the scene.
Man, this sucks.
This case would have been
the perfect chance for you
to prove to Holt that you
deserve that task force.
Yeah. Maybe it still is.
Holt thinks Dittman's the best
detective he's ever worked with,
so what happens if I solve
the case before him?
Then I become
the best detective
Holt has ever worked with,
and he has to give me the task force.
Dittman thinks he knows
everything about me as a person,
but there's one thing
he doesn't know.
I'm about to take him down.
Oh, my God,
he's staring right at us.
Quick, pretend like
I was saying something else.
Yes, Jake, you were young
when you lost your virginity.
Thank you, Charles!
The DA's office called.
Greene is furious.
He thinks he may have to drop
all charges in the Dekalb case.
Whoever did this is facing
a massive suspension,
and there's no use hiding
because Dittman
will smoke you out.
Right, but is there any
way he could hurry it up?
So far it's just been
a lot of silent pacing.
Would you ask a heart
surgeon to hurry it up?
I mean, I would if he was
just walking around a room.
Okay, here's what we know.
The glitter bomb was placed
between 12:20 and 12:55.
All the suspects say
they were at lunch
and have an alibi
for that time,
which means
one of you is lying.
It was Terry.
Thanks for coming by, Dill,
but I got it from here.
You see, Terrence,
I couldn't help but notice
you're not wearing
suspenders today.
Odd, considering suspenders
are your entire personality.
Seems a little reductive.
I had a rough childhood,
but I lifted myself up
through arts and athletics.
(INTERRUPTS) You're
the suspenders guy.
Something felt fishy,
so Jakey went fishing,
and I caught me a fat one.
And look at that.
Terry's suspenders
stuffed into his desk drawer,
and there's glitter on them.
Red glitter.
Feels like that deserved
an audible gasp.
(GASPS LOUDLY)
Thank you, Charles.
You got messy
setting up the prank.
You didn't want
anyone to see.
You put the suspenders
in your desk drawer.
Case closed.
Did you put that folder there
just so you could close it?
Yes, Rosa, obviously.
I didn't do anything.'
Well, if you
didn't do anything,
how come the case
is closed?
It's not.
Hmm?
The glitter
on Jeffords' suspenders
is type 9A round red glitter
while the bomb spewed
type 9C round red glitter,
but then I suppose all round
red glitter looks the same to you.
No. I know the difference.
One is bigger?
Shinier.
(GRUNTS) The
number refers to the size.
The letter refers
to its reflective qualities.
Seems like you know a weird
amount about glitter, man.
So good detective work
is weird to you?
Interesting squad
you have here, Raymond.
I didn't choose them. They
were here when I arrived.
Understood.
The real question is
why Jeffords had
glitter on him at all.
Fortunately,
I have the answer.
I deduced that he has
three young daughters,
twins and a toddler.
Big deal. You saw
the picture on his desk.
I did, and judging
by the maple trees
in the background
of that picture,
it was taken last fall,
probably mid-October.
The twins are smiling,
each revealing
a missing tooth.
The twin on the right,
let's call her "Twin A."
That's Cagney.
Is that relevant?
It's her name.
So no. Twin A
is missing an upper
right incisor
while Twin B is missing
a lower left incisor
suggesting that
they were seven
when the photo was taken,
which would put them
in second grade.
Spring semester
of second grade
is when the Brooklyn schools
do their solar system unit,
a highlight of which
is constructing
a mobile of the planets.
My hypothesis is that
Twin A and Twin B
requested Daddy's help
making Mars sparkle,
hence the red glitter.
Damn, yeah,
that's exactly right.
Just seems like
a very complicated way
of saying Terry has kids.
Thank you.
What?
The point is,
Jeffords is innocent,
so I guess it's fair
to say, "Case open."
My God, I have gooseflesh.
DILLMAN: So now I'd like
to move on to a real suspect.
I wanna see
Detective Diaz in the box.
(GASPS LOUDLY) What? Don't
gasp for him. What are you doing?
I'm sorry.
It just slipped out.
Title of your sex tape.
Yeah, it's Obviously
it's the title of his sex tape.
Everyone's taking my stuff.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
Dittman never talks first
when he's in the box.
Well, Rosa never initiates
conversation of any kind.
Guys, I really have
to get out of here.
JEFFORDS: Somebody please say
something to get it started.
No.
And there it is.
Now that I have the upper hand,
let's get started.
Stupid Terry
and his stupid kids.
DILLMAN: You were
the only suspect
who did not go out for lunch,
but if you were
eating at your desk,
how did you not see the
perpetrator plant the glitter bomb?
I wasn't at my desk.
I was in the break room.
Oh, the break room.
That explains it.
I guess we're done here.
Oh, here it comes,
the Dittman double back.
Just to double back
Oh, my. He actually said
the words. What a treat.
DILLMAN: If you were
in the break room,
why was the IP address
of your laptop
logged into the Wi-Fi
on the fifth floor?
Fine. There's
an empty office there
where I go to be alone.
Seems innocent enough.
Why would you lie about that?
Maybe because you were up
there assembling a glitter bomb.
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
I'm sorry, I didn't
I was watching a soap opera.
It's called Drake's Hollow.
I never miss an episode.
It's my mother's favorite show
and when things
were bad between us,
it was the one thing that
we could still talk about.
Oh, that's sweet.
It is kind of sweet.
Sweet enough to fool
a lesser detective.
What I wasn't
fooled. Take her away.
If you really watch
Drake's Hollow every day,
you won't mind
if I give you a little quiz.
You see, I've been known
to visit the Hollow myself
from time to time not unlike
Nicholas Van Bronderberg.
Who's the father
of Eliana's twins?
Christian
is Jacob's father,
but Joshua was stolen
from the hospital.
His real father
remains unknown.
Who did Joshua
grow up to marry?
First came Sandra,
then there was Brigitte,
but she turned out
to be his sister.
Katherine died
during childbirth,
though it was later revealed
that she was murdered
by Amanda, Joshua's next wife.
They divorced
after Amanda was sentenced
to the electric chair.
But Joshua rebounded
quickly with Jasmine.
Jasmine was followed by Grace,
the love of his life,
but she had a contract
dispute with the producers
so she was killed
off camera by a snake.
(CHUCKLES) You messed up.
You forgot Gwendolyn.
No, I didn't.
Joshua and Gwendolyn
were technically never married
because that whole season
took place inside
Kiki's mind
(WHISPERING) while
she was in a coma.
Diaz is innocent.
So I guess he was
wrong about Rosa.
Don't worry about Dittman.
He's the best detective
I've ever worked with.
Or you just keep
talking him up
because you don't want us
to notice how weird it is
that you brought in a friend
to work the case.
We're not friends. My only
friends are James and Julian.
Hurtful, but I still
think it's strange
that you won't let me
run the investigation
unless, of course,
there's something
you're scared I might find.
Excuse me?
Where were you
between 12:20 and 12:55?
You aren't seriously suggesting
that I am the prank man.
It does seem a little
far-fetched, Jake.
I mean, he did just use
the phrase, "prank man."
It's not far-fetched at all.
Holt is not the joyless robot
that he once was.
Is this about the time
I ate a burrito?
I was pressured into it.
Just tell us where
you were at lunch.
Well, if you must know,
I was having lunch with Boyle.
(LAUGHS) No way. You two
are the second most unlikely
Nine-Nine lunch combination.
First is anyone
with Hitchcock and Scully.
Second is Holt and Charles.
It is pretty strange.
I mean, obviously it was uncomfortable,
but it was a work lunch.
Look, it's not
a big deal, guys.
We don't have
to talk about it.
I was offering him
the task force position.
Boyle is my choice.
Boyle? From work?
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
How great for him.
(LAUGHS) And no one else.
You know what, I just
remembered that I'm late to leave.
Gotta go, bye.
Hey.
I don't understand,
Charles.
If Holt already assigned you
to the task force,
why were you helping me
try and get it?
I was planning on
telling Holt no.
What? That's insane.
It's a huge opportunity.
I know, but I've been
meaning to cut back on hours.
I'm working too much.
It's affecting
Nikolaj at school.
He's been making
so many new friends.
Wait, isn't that
a good thing?
No, he's trying
to get me jealous.
I did the same thing
to my dad.
So, Jake, for real.
I'm not gonna take
the assignment.
(SIGHS) Okay, I guess
that makes sense.
But just promise me you're not
turning it down because of me.
Jake, I promise.
Okay.
Great, well,
if you're turning it down,
that means there's still
an opportunity for me
to solve the case
and prove to Holt
I belong on the task force.
What task force?
(BOTH GASP)
How long have
you been here?
Just a few seconds. But that
was more than enough time
for me to ascertain
everything about you
As a person, yes,
we know.
No one likes
a know-it-all.
You're married to one.
You're married to one.
Follow me. I have an important
announcement to make.
BOTH: Dittman.
May I have everyone's
attention please?
I have solved the,
"who has done this."
I know by whom it was done.
It was Jake Peralta.
What? That's crazy.
The box was on my desk.
I'm the victim. Wrong.
Scully's the victim.
You know, you think
glitter's gonna taste
like sprinkles,
but it doesn't.
It tastes like
blood. That is blood.
The glitter's shredding
your tongue. Oh.
Why would I blow up
my own desk?
For the task force.
I just heard you say you
wanted to prove to Holt
that you're
a great detective.
That's why you set
this whole thing up.
It was a perfect plan, and you would've
gotten away with it if not for me.
Wow. You're a lunatic.
Would a lunatic know
that your body temperature
just rose 9/10 of a degree
indicating guilt?
Yes.
Oh, look.
What do we have here?
A receipt from Party Zone
for one air tank
rental paid in cash.
That's not mine.
I never keep my receipts.
Amy, tell them. Tell them how
much our accountant hates me.
She hates him so much.
My bag was sitting
next to my desk.
Anyone could have
put that in there.
That kind of evidence
would never hold up at trial.
You'd be laughed out of court.
I've only been
laughed at in court once,
and that was because
I made a terrific joke.
I was there.
It was hilarious.
Come on.
I guess it's fair
to say case closed.
No. He stole that
from me.
Go home. You're
suspended until further notice.
This is nuts.
I can't believe
Holt believes
that ridiculous windbag
and his sack of lies.
Oh, I know everything about
glitter and Drake's Elbow.
Hollow.
Amy, please.
I just need your
support right now, okay?
Wait a minute,
you believe me, right?
Of course I do.
I'm your wife.
I'm on your side
no matter what.
(SIGHS) Thanks.
Same, by the way.
Thanks.
I mean, no one
really suspects me.
Right.
Look, go home.
I'll check for prints
on the Party Zone receipt.
Yours won't be there,
but maybe someone else's will.
Wait a minute.
Prints. That's it.
I think I know
who framed me.
Who? I can't say
yet. I wanna be sure.
You wanna do a big,
dramatic reveal
in front of everyone,
don't you?
Yes, obviously. Look,
I have to check on one thing.
Don't let anybody leave.
Okay.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(IN GERMAN ACCENT)
Attention, everyone.
Stop what you are doing.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Eh,
still a little Nazi.
I'm gonna just
drop the accent.
Peralta,
you can't be here. You're suspended.
And you're lucky
it's not worse.
The DA's office
wanted you fired.
I'm being framed,
and I know who did it.
It was Dittman!
(SCOFFS) I just
met you today.
Why would I do that?
PERALTA: Good question.
It's because you want Holt
to put you on that task force.
Dittman can't be
on a New York task force.
The SFPD would
never approve it.
Correct, only he's not SFPD.
When you first arrived,
you asked us to check
the fingerprints
against the AFI system,
but that system hasn't
been used in over five years
by any police department.
Well,
I used the AFI system for 20 years.
I guess I misspoke.
Oh, misspoke. I see.
That explains everything.
My apologies.
I'm just gonna
head back on out to exile
Just to double back.
My God. He's double
backing Dittman.
How could the best detective that Holt's
ever worked with make such a mistake?
I wondered myself,
so I made a few phone calls.
It turns out, Dittman
was fired by the SFPD.
I guess he rubbed the
brass the wrong way.
Not only that,
but he's currently working
part time at Yarn Barn,
a hobby shop in Albany.
I have his manager
on the phone right now.
Frank, what is going on?
You have a shift tonight.
You know I have finals.
(STAMMERS) I'm
so sorry, Alyssa.
I got hung up in the city.
I just lost track of time.
This explains everything.
He's not a great detective.
He's a sad man
working part time
selling crafting supplies.
Okay, fine, yes.
I was fired by the SFPD.
And yes,
I contacted Raymond
in hopes of getting on
that task force.
I thought it would be
my way back onto the NYPD.
Oh, my God.
I hate the Yarn Barn.
Really disappointing
to hear, Frank.
Yeah, well you're
a bad manager, Alyssa, okay?
You play favorites and it
hurts to be on the outside.
You don't even
show up to Okay.
I was gonna
bring up the task force
when I had lunch
with Raymond tomorrow,
but when he called
about this case,
I thought solving it
would seal the deal
Which would have
been easy since you set
the whole thing up
to frame me.
Ridiculous. Why would I have
waited so long to accuse you?
Because if you solved it right away,
it would've been too obvious.
He's deflecting
because he's guilty.
Dittman lied about where
he worked. We can't trust him.
The receipt was
in Peralta's bag.
You're the glitter expert.
Well, you're
the Prankmaster General.
BOTH: It was him.
(SIREN BLARING)
It wasn't either of you,
but I know who it was.
Son of a bitch
stole my bullhorn.
Okay, I'm not 100%
sure this is right,
and maybe I'm
missing something
Charles, as a veteran
of many big reveals,
can I give you a tip?
Not so much waffling.
I agree. You're not
commanding the room.
Let him finish,
his way.
But do pace it up
a bit, Charles.
Copy that.
So from the beginning,
I was very skeptical that anyone
in our squad was behind the prank.
Why didn't you just say that? I did,
and then you said,
"That's exactly what
a guilty person would say."
Eh, I stand by it.
Okay, so who was
the prank man?
There was no prank.
That was just a cover.
You see, guys,
the point of the explosion
was to contaminate
the evidence
of the Dekalb Street murder.
But the suspect
is in prison,
has no ties
to organized crime,
and no means
of bribing an officer.
How could he have
possibly pulled that off?
Yeah, Jake, that stumped me
for a little bit too,
but then something
you said gave me an idea.
I mean, that kind of evidence
would never hold up at trial.
You'd be laughed
out of court.
Ah, yeah, I remember
when I said that.
It was awesome.
Wait, but who did it?
The mastermind
was ADA Greene.
He didn't have enough
evidence for the case.
He was afraid
he was gonna lose
and needed someone
to blame it on.
Whom did he work with?
Obviously someone who
knew about the pranks
and that Amy
called Jake "babe."
Excellent question, Captain.
It took a little digging
to find that out,
but I pulled some personnel files
and combed through
some social media.
Do you know what Greene's
wife's maiden name is?
Duchovny?
No.
Zappa.
No.
Fagerbakke.
No, Booth. Howard Booth.
As in, Officer Booth.
Oh, yes. Officer Howard.
BOYLE: He's
Greene's brother-in-law.
He didn't just put
the evidence on Jake's desk.
He put the glitter bomb there.
Oh, my God.
We have to find Booth.
Already did it.
And I booked him.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
PERALTA: Oh,
classic elevator reveal.
This feels like it calls
for an audible gasp.
(GASPS LOUDLY)
Not from you, Charles.
From me. (GASPS LOUDLY)
(GASPS) Wait,
did you just gasp at my gasp?
Sorry. Your gasp
was so good.
Oh, thank you
for gasping at my gasp.
My pleasure.
Sorry you missed
your daughter's concert.
No, no, it's okay.
Sharon totally understood
After I lied to her
and said we had to stay late
because Rosa got shot.
Next time you see her,
walk with a limp.
Copy that.
Hey, you know you don't
have to sweep up, right?
Well, someone's gotta.
Plus it reminds me of
the three years I spent
as a cleaning lady
in college.
Hmm. I guess there really
is no term for cleaning man.
Mmm-mm.
That's not great.
So hey, listen.
I wanted to say
great job today
and also I'm sorry.
Sorry for what? Well,
when I heard you got the task force,
my first reaction was
just to feel sad for myself
instead of happy for you.
Well, you sure
hid it well.
I really didn't.
I stormed into the other
room and moped by myself.
Eh, but you had style.
Charles, no. Look.
You have to take
the task force job.
Really? What about Nikolaj?
He's gonna be
so proud of his dad.
I bet he even ditches
those new friends.
Oh, man.
That's the dream.
Thank you
for saying that.
Honestly, though, I still don't
get why Holt chose me over you.
Are you kidding?
I mean, just look at today.
Instead of fighting
for attention,
you did the work and
methodically built your case.
You noticed things
that a room full
of seasoned cops all missed.
You're a great
detective, Charles.
Wow. Even in defeat,
you are a true
prince of a man.
The task force is yours.
What? No. Boyle,
just take the win! Right.
It was good
to see you today.
I'll keep my ears open
for any job
opportunities that arise.
Appreciate it.
I could use it.
Just got a text
from Alyssa,
I've been fired
by the Yarn Barn.
Well, you're still
the best damn detective
I've ever worked with.
Thank you.
Wait a minute.
Your iris just contracted
by 1 /10th of a millimeter.
You're lying.
Yes, I've lost a lot
of respect for you today.
Understood.
Goodbye, Raymond.
Well (SIGHS)
Since Dittman is clearly
out of the top spot now,
who's the best detective
you've ever worked with?
It's Sergeant
Leslie Hunt-Minkoff.
Who?