Brooklyn Nine-Nine s07e10 Episode Script

HOLT: And I believe
that's all I've got.
Oh, wait.
There's one more thing. Peralta
gave me a note before the meeting.
Ugh, the penmanship
is horrid,
but I think it says,
"Ask if anyone has an anal mint."
It's announcements.
And we do.
Wow, what an entrance.
Amy and I have some
big news to share.
I'm pregnant.
We're pregnant!
(ALL FEIGNING ENTHUSIASM)
DIAZ: What a surprise.
What the hell?
I thought you guys
would be more
excited than that.
Charles, you didn't
even faint.
I'm so sorry. I'll try.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
It's not working.
Somebody choke me. On it.
Rosa. Sorry,
we're so happy for you,
but we also, maybe,
kind of already knew.
You didn't do the
best job of hiding it.
Why have you been carrying
that box around so much?
I just love this box.
Why are you reading that
newspaper? It's two days old.
I just love this issue.
Hey, why you wearing
that hazmat suit?
I just love this look.
Okay,
fine. So you all knew we were pregnant.
Good for you. But I
bet you didn't figure out
that we're
having twins.
(GASPS)
No, not really.
It's one baby.
I just needed to see
Charles faint.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Aw, Jake, I am excited
that you're having a kid.
Thank you, Dad. Oh, hey,
if you're free next Friday,
we're having
a sex reveal party.
I went to one of those
in Amsterdam.
I would not
invite relatives.
What? No, no, no.
It's a party
where we find out
the biological sex of the
baby in a surprising way.
You better hope
you're having a girl.
Peralta fathers do not
get along with sons.
What? That's not true.
I mean, look at us.
We're doing better
than ever.
This year you even
remembered my birthday month.
Things are good now, but honestly,
it's probably just a blip.
That's fun to hear.
It's just the way it is.
It's the family curse.
I haven't talked to my
father since you were ten.
His dad abandoned him
at the World's Fair.
His dad fled to America after
drowning his dad in a well.
Oh, my God.
Okay, so, yes, fine.
There's a bit of a trend,
but we're not cursed.
You and I are good.
I bet you could even
fix things up
with your dad.
The Admiral? You know,
I always hoped that I could
reconcile things with him one day,
but he's not gonna let that happen.
What can I tell you. We're
not meant to have sons.
There's a demon
in our genes.
Title of your
sex tape.
No. The title
of my sex tape is
"Cockpit Larry and
the Mile High Stewardae."
What? "Stewardae."
It's plural for stewardess.
Okay.
ADA Kurm.
How are you?
Do you want
the real answer
about how my wife's
leaving me?
Or do you just want me to say,
"Good, how are you?"
Uh, the latter.
Good. How are you?
We're fine.
Why are you here?
You know that
Carroll Street
Brownstone B&E?
Yeah, broken window,
swiped an old TV.
The house belongs to
a friend of the Mayor's.
Oh. I didn't realize
the case was a priority.
I'll check into it
right away.
Great. Call me as soon
as you have anything.
Yeah. Will do.
Oh, God,
what a nightmare.
Agreed. Dude's a mess.
You know he's only 24?
No, the Carroll
Street case.
I didn't realize that the
Mayor was interested in it,
and I think I did
something bad.
(SNORING) You gave
Hitchcock and Scully
an important
case.
(SIGHS)
Okay, here's
the cake.
If it's pink on the inside,
it's a girl,
and if it's blue,
it's a boy.
And why do you seem
so bummed by that?
Because I still think you
should have done the pig roast,
where we start eating it
from the snout,
and discover the baby's sex
when we get to the genitals.
Yeah, you know, Amy wanted to
do that too, but I just don't see it.
(PHONE DINGS)
I'm getting a text.
Ooh. "I will see
you soon, sir."
Guess who that was.
Elton John.
What? You said, "Sir",
and that's on you.
No. It was my grandfather,
the Admiral.
Oh, you tracked
him down?
Yep. He's on his way
to my apartment right now.
I'm gonna fix his
relationship with my dad.
It's gonna be
very emotional.
It's gonna be
so dramatic.
You should be
producing for Ellen.
Do you really think so? Because
I actually have another idea
for a segment where Ellen turns
your home into a haunted house.
I call it, "Extreme Makeover,
Bone Edition."
But, you know, I don't have
to do it. I like being a cop.
And you're
so good at it.
Yeah,
okay. I'm gonna go meet my grandpa.
Yup.
(FLUTE PLAYING MUFFIN MAN)
Oh,
fun. Terry's playing the flute.
At work. Who are you?
William Wonker?
No. This is police
business.
The flautist for
the NYPD band retired
and I'm going to audition
to take his spot.
Captain Holt,
you love music.
Can you give me
some pointers?
No, I'd rather not.
The music they play
is dreck.
Last month, they performed
Sousa at a fallen officer's funeral,
and the people were so appalled,
they cried.
Or they were crying
for the deceased?
No, she was
very unpopular.
The band made them cry.
(WHISTLES)
Suffice it to say I don't
respect what they do,
so it wouldn't be the
right teacher. I'm sorry.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hey, Grandpa.
Attention.
Oh.
At ease. Just pulling your leg.
I'm your grandfather,
not your commanding officer.
Now, come on,
give me a handshake.
Okay. Right.
Come on in.
Wow, it's really been
quite a while, huh?
Are you still watching those
cartoons about the karate lizards?
The Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles?
I am. There was
recently a reboot.
They did some
interesting things
with Splinter and
Krang's backstories.
Anyways, I'm an adult now,
how are you?
Oh, me? Well,
I guess I'm a
Grandpa.
What?
Oh, I was just asking
how you were.
Oh, sharp as ever.
Yeah.
I'm so glad
you reached out to me.
Same, you know,
now that I'm having a baby of my own,
I've started to realize
how important father,
son,
grandfather relationships really are.
Mmm-hmm. Which reminds me,
my dad is also coming.
He is. I'm surprised
he wanted to see me.
Well, he doesn't exactly
know you're here.
I thought it might be cool
to surprise both of you.
You know who else thought surprises
were cool? Admiral Yamamoto.
And we all know what happened then,
huh? We do?
Pearl Harbor.
Pearl Harbor, right.
Some surprises
can be bad,
but this one's
not going to be.
This one's gonna
be good, just like
The Battle of Midway.
The Bimble of Derbay.
Yup, we both said the same thing,
at the same time.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, that's my dad.
This is gonna
be amazing.
Hey, Jakey.
Roger Peralta,
prepare to hug and cry.
This is your father.
Dad, you son of a bitch! Uh-oh.
PERALTA: Ow!
(PERALTA GROANS)
Can't believe
you hit me.
I'm sorry.
My face is throbbing.
Hey, Dino Bites.
What the hell is my
father doing here?
You said you
wanted to reconcile.
I meant after
he was dead.
I planned on standing over his
grave and yelling, "I forgive you."
Well, you may get the
chance sooner than you think.
He keeps trailing off
and staring into space.
(SCOFFS)
That's his old trick.
Whenever he doesn't want
to talk about something,
he does that,
the old bastard.
Look, I know you
don't like him,
but can you at least
try to be nice?
For me?
Okay. I'll be nice.
I wish you were dead,
you lousy son of a bitch.
PERALTA: You said
you were going to be nice.
I lied so I could say
"the son of a bitch" thing.
Dad!
Okay.
Your, grandson would
like us to make peace.
So do you apologize for being the worst
father in the history of the world?
Even worse than fathers who
chain their children in basements?
I do not. That's on him,
I tried.
I really don't
think you did.
Jake, you don't get it.
He's a heartless jerk.
When I was in high school,
I almost died.
He didn't even visit
me in the hospital.
Okay. So maybe start by
asking him to apologize for that.
No, he should apologize to
me for being in the hospital.
I'm starting to see
the heartless thing now.
Growing up,
he had a boat.
It meant everything
to him.
He named it Walter,
after himself.
She was the child
I never had.
I was the child
you did have.
Anyway, one day I took
Walter Jr. out for a spin.
I was trying to impress
one of the lake girls.
Before I met your mom,
I was a bit
of a ladies' man.
Yes, that continued
long after you met my mom.
He's always
been a floozy.
It was dark, I crashed into the
dock and woke up in the hospital.
How was the girl?
Flexible.
Man, she could put
her leg total
No, I was
After the accident.
Oh, right. No,
she was totally unhurt.
Thank goodness. But I was
in the hospital for three weeks
and Admiral Ass
never visited me once.
I warned you not
to take the boat out.
You make mistakes,
you gotta accept the consequences.
I'm your son!
And Walter
was my daughter.
Oh! Okay, both of you, stop.
You're acting
like children.
You know what? That's it.
If you're going to like kids,
then I'm gonna
act like a parent.
Cry Hard
with a Vengeance?
Yeah, it's Bruce Willis's
book about parenting,
and we're going
to read it.
I just got another call from
the saddest ADA in the world.
He's still pissed. Did Hitchcock
and Scully get anywhere?
Hard to say.
Their file contains
a lot of non-case
related documents.
Bunch of menus?
Cease and Assist letter
from T.J. Maxx.
Multiple patents submissions for
something called a "pillow shoe".
An application
for a time share in "Fi-guee."
You mean Fiji?
No, Figi, with a "G".
They're getting scammed.
Wait. This is good. There was
a witness who saw everything.
Identified the thief,
even described
the getaway car down to
a dent in the right bumper.
We're golden! Yeah,
but Hitchcock and Scully
forgot to write down the
witness's name or contact info.
What? No,
that's insane.
Even they wouldn't do
something that dumb.
Dumb? Excuse me,
I don't need this crap.
I could be on the beach
in Figi right now.
If we go to court, we're going
to need the witness to testify.
But now we have no way of
contacting him. So there's no case.
How could you not take down
the witnesses' contact info?
Well, unlike you dorks,
we don't do everything "by the book."
We play by
our own rules.
And we get results.
Mmm-hmm.
No, you don't!
That's why
we're here.
PERALTA: So, John McClane's
advice wasn't great,
but I have
other books.
This one says
to make sure
neither of you
has a full diaper.
Feels like we can
skip that part.
I wouldn't
be so sure.
Dad,
come on. All right. How about this?
Dad just name one happy
memory that you have with Grandpa.
And don't say the memory
you're going to have at his funeral.
All right. When I was eight,
he was on shore leave,
and we played catch in the yard,
and that was fun.
Hey, there you go.
That was great.
And Grandpa,
is there a happy memory you wanna share?
Well, can I pick
the catch thing too?
PERALTA: Yeah, sure. Because
that was really a nice time.
While we were playing,
the neighbor kid fell off his bike.
Yeah, he broke
his arm.
You could see
the bone.
Do you remember
when we went skiing?
The guy fell off the lift
and busted his leg?
Yes. And you could
see the bone.
It was just like,
sticking right out of the skin.
And he's like screaming.
We were laughing.
Oh, it was beautiful.
I hope somebody found him.
Okay, well, you guys are both monsters,
but this is going great.
(PLAYING FLUTE)
Yes. Yes!
I know you're being positive,
but I could use some honest criticism.
Well, Terry,
I'd love to help but
Follow me.
Oh, no. You caught
me stretching.
I've been doing this and
nothing else for the last half hour.
Continuously. BOYLE: I saw you watching,
Terry.
You were finger conducting.
Fine. Yes.
I may have overstated my
contempt for the music they play
so that I wouldn't have
to help Jeffords.
Oh, no, am I so bad,
I can't be helped?
Oh, man, I wanted to play in
the Thanksgiving Day parade.
Terry loves being in
and among floats.
You're not bad.
You're maybe even good.
But to make
you great,
I'd have to break
you down to nothing.
It would ruin
our friendship.
I can handle criticism. My
daughters criticize me all the time.
They're so mean now. Please help me,
sir, please!
Okay, give me
your flute.
Wrong! First rule,
never give anyone your flute.
Hey, babe,
how's it going? PERALTA: Amazingly well.
My dad and my grandpa
are actually getting along.
They've been
catching up nonstop.
Aunt Millie.
Dead.
Uncle Thomas.
Dead.
ROGER: Aunt Janet.
WALTER: Dead.
Uncle Dean.
Gay!
Oh,
good for him. What about Aunt Lyn? Dead.
Apparently there was a fire
at the family reunion.
Lucky for my Uncle Dean,
he was not welcome at the event.
Wow. Dark.
Yeah. Well,
I'm glad everything's working out.
Oh, I gotta go.
Love you. Bye.
Actually, I got to go too,
so (LINE DISCONNECTS)
I didn't even think
it was possible
to put a cast on
that part of the body.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That was Amy,
I hung up first.
Looks like things are
still going great in here.
Yeah, they sure are.
Hey, Dad, toss me a beer.
Bring the heat.
Whoa.
No, no,
no. It's the sex reveal cake.
Oh! PERALTA:
Nobody look at the floor.
No one can see
the color of the cake.
How long we doing this?
What's the plan?
I don't know yet.
Okay. We all heard the cake splat
on the other side of the counter,
which means we can probably
assume you can see the color.
Why does
that matter?
Because the color of the cake tells
us if we're having a boy or a girl.
How can that baker tell?
Because the baker
does the test.
No, the doctor
does the test.
Then the doctor
calls the baker.
And the baker
makes the cake.
Okay. I hate to say this,
but can you start over?
No, we don't have time.
Just help me fix this.
WALTER: You know
it's Roger's fault.
All he had to do
was catch the beer.
Well, maybe I'd be
better at catch if I played it
more than once
growing up.
Guys, focus up. We're all
getting along. Remember?
Now, we can't see
the cake before Amy,
which means we have
to figure out a way
to clean it up without
looking at it.
(GASPS) We have
to Bird Box it.
And Bird Box
is the bakery.
No! Bird Box is a movie where
people aren't allowed to look at things.
Just put on these blindfolds
and help me clean it up.
I Bird Boxed a stewardess
in Sweden once. Dad!
Okay, that should
be all of it.
I think it's safe
to take off
our blindfold--
(BLEEP)
No, no! Oh, God!
Oh, (BLEEP)
What happened?
We were
so careful.
Here comes
the mop.
ROGER: Bag.
PERALTA: This is hard.
I could use a beer.
Yeah. Oh!
You're okay?
The cake was blue.
You're having a boy.
It's the curse.
No, no, no, no.
There's no curse.
Look, we can
still fix this.
All we have to do is clean
every inch of this room
and then bake
a gourmet cake.
No one can do
all that in two hours.
Wrong, Dad.
There is one who can.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello, fellas.
Let's get to work.
(WHIRRING)
Oh, hey,
I got something.
There was
a security camera
by the Carroll Street
brownstone.
And you got footage
of the perps?
No, but it caught Scully and
Hitchcock interviewing the witness.
All right,
let's start canvassing the neighborhood,
see if anybody
recognizes that guy.
Yeah.
SCULLY: Wait!
What the hell!
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to run.
And that was the only
way to stop the doors.
It wasn't
and it didn't.
It worked.
We're here.
Please don't go
looking for that witness.
We're just trying
to fix your screw-up.
We didn't screw up. The
witness gave us his name,
but he asked us not to write it
down because he's undocumented.
(SIGHS)
So he's scared show up
to testify
at the courthouse
because he didn't want to
be detained by ICE. Damn it!
You know, that keeps lots of
immigrants from helping cops.
Yeah, we know that. We're
surprised you know that.
That's insulting. I'm very
concerned with immigration issues.
And I've dated my
fair share of spicy
No! Scully said the nice thing.
You don't need to go past it,
Hitchcock.
Okay,
I know you need help and time is tight,
but I see there's
blue cake on the floor,
and I know what
that means,
vis-a-vis the sex
of the baby.
So before we do anything,
I'm going to need a minute.
Sorry for all the weeping and the
weird snort noise I made at the end.
It's genetic.
Now, Jake,
grab a mop,
you're on cleanup.
Admiral, you're
making the batter.
Captain, you're
on frosting duty.
Okay, Amy just texted,
she's gonna be here any second,
so hide that thing.
Oh.
Dad, that is so
noticeable.
It's awesome.
All right, everybody act normal,
act normal.
Hey, guys.
Hey, welcome home.
I'd like you to meet
my Grandpa Walter.
It's so nice
to meet you.
Hello, things are
normal here.
Yeah, everything's totally
normal back here too,
behind the chair.
PERALTA: Yeah,
and that was a normal thing to say.
Are things normal
with you, Amy?
Sure.
Cool.
I'm gonna go
get ready for the party.
Oh. Fun.
All right.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Oh, my God. I can't
believe we pulled it off.
Charles, we owe
it all to you.
Stop. It was an honor to
cook and clean with all of you.
Boy, Jake is so lucky
to have you as his butler.
Oh, he's not.
Thank you.
Oh.
JEFFORDS: I'm so glad
you're helping me.
Maybe I won't
blow it after all.
Oh, you'll do plenty
of blowing of that flute.
Now, let's go.
Five, six, seven, eight.
(PLAYS THE MUFFIN MAN)
Stop.
The nod meant
start now.
Not start one
second later.
Again. Five, six,
seven, eight.
(PLAYS THE MUFFIN MAN)
Stop.
Are you playing, The Muffin Man,
or The Garbage Man?
Huh? Do you know
the Garbage Man?
Because I do,
because I'm looking right at him. Again!
Five, six,
seven, eight.
(PLAYS THE MUFFIN MAN)
(VOCALIZING)
Again.
Again.
(VOCALIZING)
Why'd you stop playing,
Garbage Man?
I need some water.
What you need to do is keep practicing,
Garbage Man.
I don't have
any more saliva.
And I don't have
any more time
for your excuses,
Garbage Man.
Now play! Again.
Five, six
I don't want
your help anymore.
I'm not a Garbage Man!
I'm a Muffin Man!
(GLASS CLINKS)
Attention,
everyone.
Thank you all
so much for coming.
Please gather
around.
We're gonna cut
the cake and find out
what our baby's whole
downstairs situation is.
Why the accent?
I don't know. I did so
bad. I should've let you talk.
Yeah, you should have.
I love you.
Okay,
let's do this. Here we go. All right.
We are having a
Green!
Oh, my God.
What's inside of me?
No. You just had a bad slice. Here,
I'll get a good one.
I guess the bakery
must have messed up.
WALTER: What are you
talking about?
Roger's the one that
added the food coloring.
Well, you mixed
the batter.
Did you guys
bake that cake?
We just, you could
say that
Jake?
Okay fine. Yes,
we baked it. I'm so sorry.
I'll explain
everything later.
Dad, please stop
cutting the cake.
I'm trying to find
a good slice.
There is no good slice.
You screwed it up.
You're a screw-up.
Yeah, well,
if I'm a screw-up,
it's 'cause you screwed me up,
you screw-up.
Screw you.
I'm leaving.
PERALTA: Wait, no,
Don't go.
We reversed the curse. Don't
reverse the curse reverse.
Actually, Jake.
I'm going too.
What? No.
Why would you go?
I need to go to the
hospital. I cut my thumb off.
Again?
The other one.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Ah, get
the Dino Bites.
Hey, how you feeling?
How's the thumb?
Great. Looks perfect.
Like nothing ever happened.
It's the other thumb, Dad.
No. Yeah,
that looks bad.
Doctor said it might
take a long time to heal
and that it might
never be as long again.
What, my thumb?
I don't care.
Is my dad here?
No, I called him
and he said
How do I put this.
That I'm a useless screw-up.
And he's done with me.
Yeah, something exactly like that,
verbatim. Sure.
Look, I'm really sorry that I
forced this whole reunion on you.
I think our family
might be cursed.
And I'm gonna
be a bad dad.
No, I was wrong.
There's no curse.
My dad is just
a selfish dick.
And I was too.
All the other Peralta dads, we probably
just learned it from each other.
Or it's just
in our genes.
No, you proved
that wrong.
You care
and you do the work.
You're reading parenting books
before your kid is even born.
You tried get me
and Dad back together.
Hell, you even fished
my thumb out of the cake.
Yeah.
That was gross.
You're so excited about having a kid,
you're having a sex reveal party.
I never did anything like that
except that one time in Amsterdam.
I really wish you'd
stop bringing that up.
Jake, you're gonna
be a great dad.
And your son's
gonna love you.
Thanks.
And I think you're going to
make a real good grandpa.
Hey, who's got two
surgically reattached thumbs
and is super proud
of his son?
Oh, you don't
have to.
This guy!
(GROANS)
My boss is furious.
You ruined
my 25th birthday.
I want those
guys punished.
Understood. I'll talk
to them right now.
Without that witness,
the DA has nothing. Kurm's pissed.
It's true. He kept calling
you guys a human centipede.
Because we have our
heads up our asses.
Yes, we've heard
that before.
I never thought I'd say this
but you guys did the right thing.
Unfortunately, Kurm wants you
disciplined, so effective tomorrow,
you're each getting one
week paid suspension.
Like vacation?
You deserve
this punishment.
(WHISPERS) It's punishment
where you don't have to work.
We can go anywhere
we like?
You can go to hell
for all I care!
(WHISPERS) Or to a resort
where you're being scammed.
Figi. Good idea.
Now get out of my face!
DIAZ: (WHISPERS)
Have fun.
WOMAN: Next.
Hi.
My name is Terry Jeffords,
and I don't know how this is gonna go.
Wait!
Sir.
I'm Captain Raymond
Holt of the 99th precinct.
And I need to tell you
about this man.
Now,
the audition piece he's about to play
may not be
technically perfect.
In fact, it may
hurt your ears.
You may consider it
an insult to music.
You may whisper
to each other,
"Muffin Man? Pfft!
More like Garbage Man."
Come on.
But you would
be wrong.
This man has
taught me something.
He's taught me that music
is about heart and soul.
It's about perseverance.
Despite everything I put him through,
he showed up here today.
And you would be a fool
not to put him in your band.
Thank you, Captain. Lieutenant,
what instrument do you play?
The flute.
You're hired.
What? I haven't
even played.
You're the only flute who
auditioned. Welcome to the band.
Yes! I did it.
Hey, how's
your dad doing?
Oh, the doctor said
he'll be okay.
But his hands are
basically claws now.
I don't know why
they think that's okay.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry
the cake was green.
It's okay. I'll love
our little Shrek,
no matter what.
Oh, my God,
that's right.
You still don't know
the sex of the baby.
With all the craziness,
I almost forgot. Emphasis on, "almost."
What?
Well, I got another cake
just for the two of us.
Jake, that's so sweet.
Here we go.
So excited.
It's empty.
There's no cake inside.
What? Where'd it go?
Hey guys, do you
have any milk?
We're having a boy?
We're having a boy!
Hey! Do you have
milk or not?
Jeez.
God.