Brooklyn Nine-Nine s07e11 Episode Script

MALE OFFICER:
I don't miss Porzingis.
I'm glad the Knicks got
rid of him. That's crazy.
You never trade a seven-footer
with three-point range.
(OFFICERS CLAMORING)
Why is the precinct
full of bunnies?
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
MAN: Go, go, go!
(CACKLES)
This is still going on? What is?
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to
the Halloween heist!
(ALL CHEERING)
(AIR HORN BLARING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
PERALTA: Happy Halloween.
I see you all have
your game faces on.
Special shout-out to Amy
who is clearly only wearing
that pumpkin costume
to conceal
her heist equipment.
Nuh-uh. I was greeting kids
at the Halloween party.
Nobody believes you.
Anyhow, will there be a new
champion crowned this year,
or will I become the first
ever three-time winner,
building on
my glorious victories
in heists one and five?
You didn't win
the fifth heist.
I did, when you
proposed to me.
HOLT: I won that year.
You ended up with a modified
version of the cummerbund,
and you only got that because
you slept your way into it.
Sorry, sir,
that no one here wants to bone you,
you dusty,
old skeleton.
Whoa!
(LAUGHS)
Okay, so this segs me nicely
into my next point, decorum.
This is supposed
to be a fun day
that brings us all
closer together,
but in the past few years,
I've noticed it trending in
the opposite direction.
Is this about the surveillance
system I set up in your apartment?
Sleep, sleep,
you ugly morons.
No, but it is now.
All right, look, the point is,
this year when we team up,
there will be no betrayals,
because at the end of the day,
we're all friends,
and we love each other,
and also, you'll be
handcuffed to your partner.
If you undo them,
you lose.
Now, in each of these
envelopes is a name.
The last four champs
will pick their partners,
and, since
I'm already up here,
I'll just go first. So
Nope.
You've obviously rigged
this to get the best teammate,
but I'm not falling
for that crap this time.
So I am going
to partner with
Scully.
You know what? We are friends,
best friends.
Sorry I took
your envelope.
No, no, no!
It's too late.
Boyle, cuff 'em.
It's okay, Rosa.
I'm focused this year,
and I'm more determined
to win than ever.
I also really have to go
to the bathroom.
Why didn't you say that
before he put
the handcuffs on us?
SANTIAGO: Okay, I'll go next.
I have
(CHUCKLES)
Geppetto?
Yeah.
Ugh, that must
be Charles.
It is because
I'm the puppeteer,
and you're all
my little puppets.
Ugh.
Can we choke our partner
to death with our handcuffs?
Sure, choke away.
Terry?
I'm out.
Terry is retiring
from heisting.
I don't have anything
left to prove after
my win last year.
But we need you.
What if one of us has a plan
that involves
a big, strong brute?
Not a great
sales pitch, Jake.
Terry is going
out on top.
PERALTA: Ugh, fine.
I guess that
makes it my turn,
so I will pick
my partner.
And it is
(LAUGHS) Raymond Holt.
Well, well, well,
it appears the original
two heist champs
are teaming up.
Should we just skip ahead
so everyone can
bow down to us now?
Yes, you all heard him.
Bow down.
Boyle, you first.
He is not gonna bow do Ugh,
he's already doing it.
Well, they're gonna win.
I'm currying favor.
So what prize are we playing for,
you ask?
Wait, what about me?
Nobody picked my envelope.
So what prize are we playing for,
you ask?
(HEAVENLY CHORAL MUSIC)
Ooh,
the Infinity Gauntlet from The Avengers.
Yes, except not quite.
The actual movie replica
was extremely expensive,
so I had to get something
off Russian eBay.
Say hello to the
Infinitude Gobbler.
It's identical to the one that Thaboo
wore in the movie Avangaboys.
HOLT: This glove
Gobbler.
contains three
plastic jewels.
The Infinitude Gems.
Each representing one
aspect of a heist winner.
"Amazing,"
"human," "genius."
Whoever possesses
these stones at midnight
will be
named champion.
But what obstacles will I face,
you may ask yourself.
Well, the Infinitude Gems
will be guarded
by a ferocious
and daunting sentry.
Hey, best friends.
We're not your
best friends, Bill.
(LAUGHS) You don't get
to decide that.
So Bill will hide the
gems in his pockets.
You're really gonna have
to root around in there.
I dried my jeans,
so they're extra tight.
You were right, Amy.
I should have got a safe.
Sorry, everyone.
Let the heist begin!
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
HOLT: I can't believe the
two strongest competitors
got partnered up.
We're a dream team
like in the 1992
Summer Olympics.
Okay, I know you're not
talking about basketball,
so just tell me
what weird sport
you think the Dream
Team was from.
Sport? I'm talking about
the opening ceremonies.
Agnes Baltsa
and Alfredo Kraus
singing back-to-back arias.
Wonderful, yes,
we are just like Agnes and Alfredo
all thanks to me.
What?
Oh, yeah.
I rigged the envelopes
so that we could team up.
But you chose
Scully initially.
Only because I knew as
soon as I tried to go first,
Rosa would jump in,
and then I made sure
no one picked our
envelopes by marking them
with Cheeto
thumbprints.
Oh, so everyone
would assume
that they were
Hitchcock and Scully's.
Brilliant.
These fools don't stand
a chance against us.
Yeah, they really
are fools, aren't they?
Just like whoever
Agnes and Alfredo
beat at singing to
get into the Olympics.
I know nothing about opera. No,
you're right.
Amy's a real
Teresa Berganza, huh?
(BOTH LAUGH)
(LAUGHING)
I don't know.
Look at them laughing. Jake must
have said something really funny.
Should we forfeit and
go hear what it was?
No, Charles,
we're not forfeiting.
I wanted Jake
to rig the envelopes
and partner up with Holt.
I gave him the idea
by making him watch Lincoln.
Oh, wow,
a team of rivals.
Mmm-hmm.
And when that didn't work,
we watched
X-Men: Days of Future Past.
Magneto and Professor X
working together?
Amy, are you
seeing this?
Yes, I see it.
(WHISPERS)
I see it all.
Why would you do that? Jake
and Holt are like the '92 dream team.
I know you're not
talking about sports,
so who do you think
the '92 Dream Team was?
Aladdin and Abu.
Right.
Look, Jake and Holt
are too stubborn
and too proud
to work as a team.
Once they implode,
we'll waltz in and grab the gems.
I do love waltzing. What
about Rosa and Scully?
I'm not too worried
about them.
SCULLY: Hey, Rosa,
you brought headphones, right?
To drown out the sound? No.
Oh boy, I'm really sorry
for what's heading your way.
(DIAZ SCREAMS)
I'm sorry!
So here's the plan.
Okay.
We're gonna need pliers,
grappling hook
Wait. Amy, look.
(GASPS)
The bullpen's
filling up with smoke.
Oh,
someone's making a move. That's right.
That someone is us.
Seems like
a pretty sloppy plan.
You're just saying it's
sloppy because you're jealous
you didn't
think of it.
You don't even know
what we're doing yet.
Fog up the room until no one
can see and then steal the gems.
Yeah, but I also got us
little booties,
so we can move
through the room quietly.
And I memorized the exact
layout of the entire bullpen
using a blindfold,
so follow me.
One, two,
three, desk.
One, two, turn.
One, two, three,
four, Bill.
Hi, boys.
Oh, God!
Why do you sound horny?
Very upsetting.
Okay, reaching
into your pockets,
feeling a lot of things,
and I got the gems.
Let's go.
One, two, three
Oh! Whoa.
Was that the gems?
Did you drop them?
That chair wasn't
supposed to be there.
Where'd they go? HOLT:
I can't see anything.
Turn off the smoke. It's lucky
I was prepared for you to fail.
Now, I didn't wanna
reveal him this early, but
(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
HOLT: Here he comes.
Cheddar!
Cheddar the Dog!
Yeah, we all knew
he was coming.
You don't have to make
such a meal out of it.
Go, Cheddar. Arcessere.
Means fetch. Cheddar's
been taking Latin.
Who has the gems?
What's going on?
And explain it quickly.
I have to pee again.
You're too late.
For the last three months,
I have been training Cheddar
to retrieve gems.
Using his low center of
gravity and keen sense of smell,
he expertly
(GASPS)
Oh, no.
He swallowed them.
He swallowed the gems!
Well, (BLEEP)
Mmm, got a pedicure,
made a smoothie
'cause Terry
loves smoothies.
Retiring early was the best
decision I have ever made.
Well, you're missing out.
People are saying
this is the most fun heist
we've ever done.
Looks like Holt keeps
trying to put his whole hand
in Cheddar's mouth
while Rosa googles,
"how to make a dog vomit."
Yeah.
Like I said,
we're having a blast.
(GIGGLES)
Why would he have
swallowed the gems?
Well, a photograph of Cheddar
was featured on Chonky Pups,
an Instagram account
for overweight pets.
A top comment called
him a "thick king."
Kevin and I put him on a diet,
and I suppose
he got hungry enough to
mistake the gems for food.
This is why you don't
team up with a dog.
It's better than teaming up
with Bill like you do every year.
Bill is a human.
He is able to use more
than just his mouth.
Not if you don't want me to. Bill,
stop chiming in.
I'm just saying. I'm not
that different than a dog.
You're not helping.
We need to get Cheddar
to a doctor right now.
SANTIAGO: Bravo.
What a performance.
Cheddar didn't
swallow any gems.
This is all a ruse
just like my brilliant lie
about the pumpkin
costume. That was good.
There is no chance in
hell that any of this is real.
Yep, you can see the gems
right here on the X-ray.
Okay, so it's real.
Uh,
I'm sorry. Who are all these people?
We're coworkers involved in
an elaborate Halloween heist.
Do you seriously not
talk to your vet about us?
Seems to me
Cheddar has the gems,
and he's my property,
so we win.
PERALTA: Yeah,
works for me.
Time for the big
wrap-up speech.
I'm sure you're all wondering
how we pulled this off.
No, we continue the heist
right here, right now.
I'm gonna
open him up.
No, no, no, no,
there's no need to operate.
The gems are small enough.
He should be able to excrete
them without discomfort.
The medical term
for excrete is "dump out".
It is not.
Hmm?
Okay, so we wait until
Cheddar passes the gems,
and then we restart the heist the
next time we all have a free day.
Perfect. When
will that be?
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Valentine's Day
Halloween heist.
This is still
happening?
SANTIAGO: Why so
curious, Terry?
Hoping we'll let you
participate now?
'Cause you can't!
Oh, no.
I don't get to compete
for a bunch of stones
that were in a dog's
butt. What will I do?
I'll have you know that
a dog's butt is cleaner
than a human's mouth.
That can't be true.
Well, a dog's mouth is
cleaner than a human's mouth,
and dog mouths
lick dog butts,
so you tell me where
my theory is wrong.
He has no comeback.
All right, the heist will
pick up where we left off.
There are six hours remaining
and three teams left.
The now-sterilized
Infinitude Gems
will be placed back
into the care of Bill.
Oh, wow, Bill,
looks like you had a rough four months.
It was actually
a great three months
and then one
really bad one.
Okay, but you're here,
and you're happier than ever.
I don't know
why you think that.
Let the heist re-begin!
Okay, your smoke plan
was a disaster.
Yeah, because
your dog ate the gems.
Because you tripped
and dropped them.
Yeah, because someone
put a chair in my way
that wasn't supposed
to be there.
I'm sorry. Are you
accusing me of something?
Was that not clear? Do you
need me to say it in Latin?
(IMITATES ITALIAN ACCENT)
I think-a you a-sabotage a-me.
I would never.
I want to win.
Which is why I'm initiating
Operation Fabius.
Okay.
That does sound
kind of cool.
Well, it shouldn't. I may
have to change the name.
Roman dictator
Fabius Maximus
defeated Hannibal by avoiding
battle and exercising patience.
I can be patient. I just listened
to you talk about that Fabius guy
for, like, four hours.
It was two sentences.
Ugh, shut up.
SANTIAGO: And the
infighting continues.
I guess Jake
and I still have
the only unbreakable bond
in the whole precinct.
I mean, he is my husband.
Uh-huh. No one
ever gets divorced?
Charles.
I'm sorry.
I'm just all worked up
because of the heist.
There's heist
in the geist.
No, look. There's
something happening.
MAN: I have flowers
for Bill Hummertrout.
PERALTA: Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. This is a scam.
There's no one in Bill's life
that would send him flowers.
It's true.
Something's up.
Flowers for Bill
Hummertrout?
How many of these
guys are there?
Flowers for Bill
What is happening?
You tell us. You're the one
who just mysteriously appeared
at this
critical moment.
I was stuck in the
bathroom with Scully.
It was a nightmare.
SCULLY: For me too.
Hitchcock and I haven't
had any time alone all day.
I don't even know
what he had for lunch.
Italian sandwich. But,
with what kind of chips?
Okay,
stop. We don't have time for this.
Everyone,
form a blockade! Protect Bill!
Protect the gems!
DIAZ: I can't see anything.
There's too many of them.
SANTIAGO: Wait,
they're clearing out.
BILL: Yeah,
because they got them.
The gems are gone.
PERALTA: Of course they are.
This is clearly the work of
Charles Boyle, the son of a florist.
You think I'd make bouquets
that look like this?
With all this baby's-breath?
What do you think of me?
Maybe it was Terry
who sent the flowers!
Yeah, I really wanted to
spend $2,000 on Valentine's Day
not for my wife.
Ah, he admitted it! HOLT: No,
Rosa took the gems.
I saw you brush up against
one of the flower delivery men
who handed you the gems,
which you gave to Scully,
who placed them
in his mouth.
That's absurd. (MUFFLED) Yeah,
that's absurd.
Okay, fine, but no one
is getting those gems.
Yeah.
None of you would dare
to put your bare hands
inside Scully's mouth.
Yeah.
DIAZ: Who knows what kind
of diseases he's got.
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
My doctors sure don't.
Scully, why
wasn't that garbled?
Yep, he swallowed 'em.
You can see the gems
right here on the X-ray.
And you're sure
those are the gems
and there's not something
horribly wrong with him?
Well,
the part that's horribly wrong with him
is if you look here
Oh, nobody cares.
What does this mean
for the heist?
PERALTA: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Easter
Valentine's Day Halloween heist!
We will once again
pick up where we left off.
The Infinitude Gems
You guys are still
doing this?
You know
it's April now.
Yeah, Terry,
we're still doing it,
and we're still
having a great time.
Why are the gems
so pale?
I guess
Scully's insides
zapped all the color out
of them? I don't know.
Babe, you're undercutting
my whole thing with Terry here.
Anyways,
the Infinitude Gems
will go back to Bill
whose life seems to have
unraveled even further.
Tough March for you there,
bud? Yeah, just a heads up.
I sold my pants
with the pockets,
so I'll be putting the gems
in my undies this time.
ALL: No.
I'll give him a fanny
pack. Can I keep it?
This could be just what I
need to turn my life around.
Yeah, Bill, you can
keep the fanny pack.
I don't have to do
anything for it, do I?
Because I will
if you ask.
I'll do anything,
even
What's that supposed
to represent?
No one answer that. Anyhow,
quick heist update.
There's less than
an hour left,
and only two
teams remain.
Two? My doctor
said I'm at a grave risk
for a shenanigan-related
death, so I have to drop out.
That's not fair. I should
get a new partner.
Terry, you want back in?
JEFFORDS: Nope.
I want my mango tango.
Slurp, slurp.
Sorry, Rosa,
if you wanna switch partners
this late in the game,
they have to have the
same skill set as Scully.
I'm available.
Right, or
That filing cabinet
kind of looks like Scully.
I see it. Same flat top. But if we
really wanna make this a fair switch,
it seems like you need
to start in the men's room.
Come on. Let the
heist re-re-begin!
Okay, in five minutes,
ten other bunnies
will march past
this door.
We'll blend in and grab
the gems. It's foolproof.
How is this any different
than my bunny suit plan?
Oh, it's very
different.
I gave the bunnies glasses and little,
blue vests.
The vests add nothing.
The vests add gravitas.
Your butt
adds gravitas.
Get ready. Bunnies are gonna
be here at any moment.
How do you know
this is their plan?
'Cause Jake
frickin' told me.
He did?
Yeah.
He's so frustrated
with Holt,
like I knew
he would be,
that it's all
he talks about.
In therapy.
What?
The thing is,
the bunny vests do add gravitas,
but I can't tell him that
'cause then he wins.
Oh, hey, is it weird that
Jane Jetson gives me a bo
You found a therapist
that let you do that?
No, I've been paying
an actress
to pretend to treat
him for months.
She's actually
helped him a lot.
Oh, did Jake ever say
anything about me
while you
were listening?
Where are those bunnies?
(FILE CABINET SCRAPING)
Boy, that thing's
pretty heavy, huh?
Here they come, my beautiful,
blue-vested bunnies.
My God,
they're so cool.
What's that? Hmm?
Nothing. I hate them.
This probably won't
even work. Let's go.
It's happening. Put on your head. Oh,
with pleasure.
I love disappearing
into a role.
I'm Argyle James Hopford,
a bachelor bunny
who's carrying out a scandalous
affair with a local goose.
Shut up and put on
your damn head!
Hello, bunnies.
SANTIAGO: Okay,
just be cool and blend in.
HOLT: Jake,
who are those bunnies?
PERALTA: They must be
Amy and Charles.
BOYLE: They see us.
Let's go.
SANTIAGO: Give it up, Bill!
Give it up!
PERALTA: Come on, Holt,
move your ass.
SANTIAGO: No, I can't unclasp
the fanny pack with these furry hands.
HOLT: You're hitting me, Jake.
PERALTA: I can't see anything,
and we're all dressed the same.
BOYLE: Uh-oh, Rosa's coming.
SANTIAGO: And Bill's getting away.
HOLT: Nope, I got his ankle.
SANTIAGO: Get off me!
Get off me!
PERALTA: Someone
got the fanny pack!
SANTIAGO: They're headed
for the roof!
PERALTA: Go, go, go!
(CACKLES)
This is still going on?
Was it Terry?
Nope. Wasn't me.
Wait, if you're Terry,
then that must be
What's up, losers?
Yes.
Whoo. Whoo.
Rosa, that was amazing.
It was not amazing. She didn't
stay handcuffed to her partner.
She's disqualified.
We'll reset and start
over on the next holiday.
Earth day.
An Earth day heist.
It's perfect.
DIAZ: Wrong.
Rules said I couldn't undo the cuffs,
and I didn't.
Oh, not fair. I didn't know I
could cut off Peralta's hand.
I'll file that away
for next year.
Actually, I think
we're one and done
on the whole
handcuff concept.
This is incredible.
How'd you do it, Rosa?
Well, back on Halloween,
I knew Jake would make the first move,
and I had to be ready.
PERALTA: You were
hiding in the fog.
It wasn't Holt that put
that chair in my pathway.
No, I did.
I wanted to be the one who
was responsible for our victory.
What?
We already lost.
There's no point in trying
to maintain team morale now.
Dick.
DIAZ: Anyway, I knew
Cheddar would be
making an appearance.
Oh, everyone loves
to see Cheddar.
He's here a lot.
I never bring in Arlo.
Who?
Exactly.
I spent every morning
for the last year
giving Cheddar
a taste for ham.
Oh, so that's why
he got so thick
and ended up
on "Chonky Pups."
I submitted his photo.
And once you put
Cheddar on a diet,
all I had to do
was mark the gems
with a little of that
sweet ham taste.
Why did you want Cheddar
to swallow the gems?
Because I needed
to delay things.
The second part of my plan
took place on Valentine's Day,
which went perfectly.
Ah, I wouldn't
say perfectly.
Scully swallowed
the gems.
'Cause I tricked him
into it. Wasn't hard.
Pretty much used the same
Cheddar ham playbook.
Table ham.
Seven days in a row.
So now I have to think
twice before I eat food
I find lying around.
Thanks a lot.
DIAZ: I marked the gems
with ham again,
and everything pushed to
Easter when I could finally
get rid of Scully
as my partner.
Doctor, I'm willing
to pay you
to tell Norm Scully
not to participate
Participate?
No, no, no.
Norm Scully should not be
participating in any activities.
He could die. I'll go
call him right now.
Now I finally had a teammate
whose hand I could cut off.
Just needed a
little help from Terry.
Boy, that thing's
pretty heavy, huh?
Did you bring
the tools?
But you were retired. You
were loving your smoothies.
Yeah, but after a while,
I felt left out.
And if I'm being honest,
the smoothies
weren't even that good.
I wonder why that was.
Maybe it's because
I hammed your smoothie.
Am I the only one who
didn't get fed ham this year?
Wait, how did you know
about Jake's bunny plan?
You weren't the only one
listening in on his therapy.
Of course the bunnies
should have glasses.
I just can't believe I didn't
come up with it myself.
Oh, you know what? Betty
Rubble also gives me a bo
You guys were listening
in on my therapy?
That feels like
a real violation.
Jake, Jake,
this is Rosa's moment.
Yeah, man, go tell it
to your fake therapist.
She's fake?
Anyway, then
I grabbed the gems,
jumped off the roof,
and wrote my name in flames.
Wait, why did you keep
delaying the heist?
Couldn't you have just
won at Halloween?
Oh, I did.
These are the real
Halloween gems.
I switched them out
before Cheddar found them.
I also won
on Valentine's Day.
What is happening?
I switched those gems out
before I gave them to Scully.
And then I won today.
So while you nerds
are always arguing
about who the only
two-time champion is
PERALTA, SANTIAGO
AND HOLT: Me.
I just became the first
three-time champion.
I guess there's just
one thing left to do.
To Rosa Diaz,
an amazing human/genius.
ALL: To Rosa Diaz.
Well, you did it,
but always remember one thing.
Those gems were
in Scully's butt.
How dare you.
I know.
I'm happy for you,
I guess. I don't know.
Hold on. I have
some math questions.
If Rosa has three wins,
does Scully have two?
Am I now tied with Scully?
SANTIAGO: No, no, no.
I'm tied
with Scully.
You're tied with
the filing cabinet.
The filing cabinet has
more wins than me?
Yes, obviously.
Yeah, that's how that works.
As it should.
Guys, stop it.
We're supposed to be
celebrating Rosa here,
not fighting.
No, no, keep fighting.
It's why I did this.
You know, technically,
we all shared in Jake's first win,
so this might
be my fourth.
What? No.
Yeah, that's
a good point.
Oh, we also helped
Holt win too.
Oh, shut up, Santiago.
Just shut up.
Excuse me?
Wow, "shut up"?
PERALTA: How dare you, sir.
I won two times.
That is my wife.
(ALL ARGUING)