Black-ish (2014) s07e12 Episode Script

1
DRE: Life is filled with responsibility.
You've got to keep food on the table,
a roof over your family's head,
and you've got to keep your wardrobe fly
and your shoe game on point.
But every now and again,
you've got to relax,
take a little time for yourself,
and recharge.
You can even do little mini-breaks.
Like when I take out the garbage,
I give myself a little treat.
That's my thing.
But I don't judge anybody for
how they choose to relax.
- MAN: [Coughs]
- I say if it's not hurting nobody, do you.
Whew!
[Indistinct conversation]
What the?
Oh. Hey, Dad.
You trying to hit this?
I know I said no judgment,
but this stupid [bleep].
What were you thinking?
Anyone could have seen you outside.
Janine could have called the cops.
Hell, I could have called
the cops. You know what?
- I'm gonna call the cops right now.
- JUNIOR: Whoa, whoa.
You are blowing this
way out of proportion.
Smoking weed has been legal
in California for years.
It may be legal here,
but it's not legal everywhere.
What happens if you have
a joint on you, forgot,
and took a trip to Singapore?
Google "White kid getting caned"
and tell me if your high was worth it.
- [Door opens]
- RAINBOW: Hey, guys.
Weirdest thing.
I just got wildly nostalgic
for the commune,
and I don't know why.
- Uh, Wiz Khalifa Junior here is why.
- Huh?
I caught him outside
smoking "the gateway."
- Did you?
- It was just one hit, Mom.
I didn't know you smoked, sweetie.
I do from time to time,
to take the edge off.
What edge? You live at home.
You can't be a two-day college
drop-out and a stoner.
Boy, pick a struggle.
We are both genuinely sorry
for doing something
that makes you uncomfortable
on your property.
See? Even she knows y'all were wrong.
- Um
- We were. We were.
Although, to be clear,
I-I'm not apologizing for smoking.
I'm just apologizing for
doing it on your property.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
the bowl's kicked in,
and I am very hungry.
Um, can I have some of these?
- Yeah, go ahead, sweetie.
- Thank you.
Junior, you are a grown-up now,
- so we can't tell you what to do.
- [Scoffs]
But you do have younger siblings,
so all we ask is that you don't
partake in the house, okay?
- What kind of parenting is that?
- What are you talking about?
I guess it's gonna be okay
if he starts calling you "Rainbow."
I wouldn't mind that.
It's kinda cool, right?
He needs to know that
he's a Black man in America
and he cannot do drugs.
Would you rather I have a drink?
Because smoking marijuana
isn't any more harmful
than drinking alcohol.
This man is not wrong.
The only time that I have seen
people come into the ER
with complications from marijuana
is because they have had too
many crab legs from Red Lobster.
Okurr?
[Trilling] Okurr!
[Both laugh]
And you call yourself a doctor.
Face it, Dad, you're on
the wrong side of this.
- [Cellphone rings]
- Oh.
Hey.
I gotta go.
Olivia needs me to deliver more Goldfish
to the neighbor's kids' treehouse.
- Hmm.
- Hey.
I knew we should have never
listened to Bob Marley
when he was in the womb.
I'm gonna go search his bedroom
- for Altoid cans.
- Mm.
Bob Marley was the only thing
that stopped that boy from kicking.
DIANE: Jack, I need your help.
After months of
hanging out with the seniors,
my talents have been recognized.
They want me to lead the senior prank.
Oh, and you need an alibi.
What do you want me to go with?
Rumbling in the tum?
Migraine for days?
Uterus stuff?
- No, Jack. I do not need an alibi.
- Oh.
They've been watching you.
They like your drip.
You know, you've got
real popular kid energy.
I've always thought that,
but a popular kid
doesn't say it, you know?
Great. Now, are you in, or you out?
Wow, Diane.
I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to wear.
Man, don't make it weird.
- Just follow my lead.
- Okay.
Seriously, can I assume that
you'll tell me what to wear?
My first thought was overalls,
and I know that's wrong.
Oh, God.
Your brother let a skunk
in this house again?
- What?
- They're not pets.
I don't smell anything.
It's definitely coming from right here
in your general direction.
Wait a minute.
Are you smoking that, um
Ah Sookie Now?
What?
Me?
No.
Don't lie to me, Junior.
My mother used to say
if you wallow in weed,
you will be weed. Tshh.
I'm so sorry, Grandma. It was Olivia.
She made me stay in the car
while she smoked the marijuana.
- I didn't even like it.
- Mm-hmm.
- I know a temptress when I see one.
- Mm-hmm.
What with that beautiful skin
and and
and that killer curl pattern
- and Kyla Pratt vibes.
- Yep.
Those are the ways she's tempted me.
Well, fortunately, there's a way
back for the both of you.
Mm-hmm. At my church's youth
revival this weekend.
We're there, if you think
they'll have us.
- Oh, they'll have you.
- [Softly] Okay.
They let Janet's grandson back in
after what he did in that
mall fountain. [Chuckles]
Thanks for giving me
another chance, Grandma.
I'm sorry I let you down.
But I know that family
is more important than drugs.
Oh, what a mighty God we serve.
Mm. Amen.
All right, all right.
Pick me up Sunday afternoon,
and bring your new
King James version, all right?
None of that New Living Testament crap.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
Bow and Junior may have been acting
like weed wasn't a big deal,
but they weren't living
in the real world.
STEVENS: Hey, Dre.
You will be pleased to find out
that the elevator finally got fixed.
No more one flight of stairs for you.
Eh. Great.
Why are you not celebrating?
You called that flight of stairs
your "own personal 'Misery'"
the Kathy Bates kind.
- I caught Junior getting high.
- Oh, no.
You hate when he feels good.
STEVENS: I'm so sorry to hear that, Dre.
I know how hard you've worked
to give your family these
incredible opportunities,
and there goes Junior,
throwing it all away on crack.
[Gasps]
Crack?
Man, I caught him smoking weed.
[Chuckling] Oh. Okay.
So, then, why are you so upset?
Yeah, I assume you smoke, too,
based on your loud sweaters
and the fact that you're always
eating microwave s'mores.
I'm not a drug guy, Charlie.
Come on, Dre. Steve Jobs,
Barack Obama, Martha Stewart.
You know, a lot of successful people
got down with the sticky icky.
Okay, look, the fact of the matter is
Black people get judged for doing it
in a way that White people don't.
Yeah.
Like washing your hair every
day, or becoming a cop.
The War on Drugs has it
so that we are four times more likely
to get arrested for marijuana possession
than White people,
and that's after legalization.
It's not worth the risks.
I hear everything you're saying, Dre,
but let me offer this counterpoint
weed is amazing.
Without it, we wouldn't have
the music of Cypress Hill
- Mm.
- or the cinematic masterpiece
which is "Harold & Kumar
Go to White Castle"
or my podcast,
which I'm too shy to release.
You're not releasing it?
Charlie, we worked on that
for six hours.
Dre, why would you deny yourself
one of the world's greatest pleasures?
Check it out.
Imagine feeling God inside you,
and that God's body
is made out of a heating pad
and He takes all the things
that's bothering you
and put it in this box
for a little while
so you can feel free.
- Is that how you feel?
- Yeah.
That's my way of getting level
and dealing with
the stress of racism, work,
and the fact that my son is
garnishing all my wages
to pay for back rent.
Oh, my God.
You're high right now, aren't you?
Oh, yeah, look at those eyes.
It's not my fault that I got
bored on my way to work.
Not all the muffins.
Oh.
Had that chocolate one all lined up.
My head was spinning from the fact
that everyone was down with weed.
Maybe the world had changed,
and I was just being old.
I was wrong about
the 3-pointer ruining the NBA.
- [Cellphone chimes]
- Maybe,
that's what the world is telling me.
I mean, Nancy Reagan goes on
"Diff'rent Strokes" once
and I'm supposed to
not ever enjoy myself again?
Look, I want to be able to
sit back, turn my brain off,
and catch a vibe.
Damn it.
I'm a grown-up.
- [Magazine slams]
- I can do what I want.
- Babe?
- Yeah?
Let's get rid of the kids
this weekend and get high.
[Imitates David Wooderson]
All right, all right, all right.
So, it was finally Friday.
But unlike Ice Cube in the movie,
I did have something to do
get my kids out of the house
so I could get high.
So high.
All right, there you go.
You guys go out there
and, uh, have some fun.
- Generous amount.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm not suspicious at all.
Yeah, last time you
emptied your wallet like this,
we ended up with a little brother.
Laser vasectomy, okay?
So, we good.
Now get out of here
before I change my mind.
Go. Skedaddle. Scoot! Go!
Me and your mama
got some business to do.
- [Door closes]
- [Chuckles]
DRE: They're gone.
- [Laughs]
- Let's get faded!
- [Laughs]
- Great. Okay, Dre.
I have all the pretzel variations.
I've got rods, I've got twists,
I've got chocolate-covered,
peanut-butter-filled,
and pretzel-wrapped hot dogs
from the mall.
- Ooh.
- And [Clears throat]
Pizza bagels?
Pretzel.
Okay. [Laughs] Now we straight.
- How you doin'?
- Hey, babe,
- let's get some drugs.
- Let's get them.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I'm gonna call my guy.
- Do it.
- Ladarius!
Man, y'all got a lot
of fruit trees out there.
- Ladarius is your guy?
- DRE: Mm-hmm.
So, how we gonna do this, Ladarius?
We gonna roll past Lueders Park
and you gonna get
some of that Pressure House
that you used to smoke as a kid?
Actually, this is how we do it now.
Hmm.
- An app?
- Mm-hmm.
Come on, man.
I thought we were gonna buy
something from a dude
riding a beach cruiser with a pit bull
who stays at your house
a little too long.
Dre, nobody uses the weed man anymore.
Everyone does dispensaries or delivery.
- Man, I'll show you. Just give me your ID.
- Hey, now.
What? So they can track me?
So when they change the laws,
they can say I broke the laws
and take away my right to vote?
- Hell no.
- Okay. I'll put my info in.
- Fine.
- What?
So they can track you?
What about your medical license?
We need your income.
[Whispering]
I'm irresponsible with money.
[Whispering] Yes, we know.
I'll just put in my info.
You guys could really use this weed.
- [Laughs]
- [Normal voice] Oh, yeah.
I bought you something to tide you over.
- Okay.
- [Normal voice] Oh, did you?
Oh, did ya? Okay.
All right, baby.
[Chuckles]
Okay, on the count of three, Dre.
One.
Two.
Three.
Mm.
Mm, mm, mm-mm.
- Baby, put it in your mouth.
- I am.
I'm just trying to
make it warm and soft.
[Can rattling]
Diane, this is amazing.
Greg Curtis called me "pahtnah."
Don't get excited.
He calls the math teacher "pahtnah."
- [Person whistles]
- Oh. Okay.
You stay here, and if
you see anybody coming,
make the sound of a crow
so we know we have to get out of here.
- [Caws hoarsely]
- Yeah.
Just like that,
but, uh, you know, not terrible.
Wait. Y-You're leaving me here
all by myself?
I-I thought I was part of the team.
Yeah, you are.
You're the lookout.
And right now, I need you to be
the best lookout you can be, okay?
Thanks, friend.
[Caws sadly]
[Crow caws]
Don't try to make me feel better.
While the kids were up to no good,
Junior was trying to drag Olivia
into his problems with my mom.
Wait, are you serious?
You actually want me
to go to a church revival
with your grandma?
I'm not proud of it,
but she smelled weed and
I blamed it on you.
Now she thinks we're lost souls,
- and I need to restore her faith in me.
- What?
I am super sorry about it,
but in my family, we like to
keep my grandma happy.
You know you're going alone, right?
Come on, you might see someone
- catch the Holy Spirit and pass out.
- Okay.
Look, I respect
how it goes in your family,
but it's not healthy to do
something you don't want to do
- just because it makes someone else happy.
- [Sighs]
Even if it's your grandmother.
Okay.
I get it.
You don't have to come.
I'll just tell my grandma
you're going to your own church revival.
Junior!
She has blown up a boat.
- Babe?
- Yeah?
I wanna thrive
I have avoided weed for so long.
I know.
- And it's fine.
- Oh, yeah, it is.
I've never felt so at peace in my life.
[Sniffs]
And I love the smell of crayons.
[Sniffs]
- I'm making art, Bow.
- Mm.
I'm able to access a part of me
that has never been touched.
[Crayons clatter]
This isn't art.
This is Dre.
Do you think that I could
open a healing retreat
where people go to get healed?
People could go to reconnect
with their souls, and
we could sip tea and bake cookies.
- Wait a minute.
- Yes?
You mean to tell me all this time,
you've known how to bake?
Oh.
I'm such a lucky man!
[Both laugh]
[Video call rings]
[Gasps] Uh-oh.
Baby!
Baby!
[Gasps] It's Principal Biggs!
Okay, we're caught.
- She knows.
- No.
- She knows.
- It's okay. It's okay.
I watched my mom talk to
teachers high all the time.
All you need to do
Okay, what you need to do,
- you need to use huge words.
- Okay.
And you gotta talk really slow.
No! No, Bow, I got this.
- It'll work. It'll work.
- I got this. No, I got this.
Hey, Biggsy. [Chuckles]
To what do we owe the pleasure?
Guess whose kids got caught
painting the word "moist"
onto the football field?
- Who?
- The Conners'?
Meet me at the school
and get your damn kids,
and then we need to have a talk.
[Call ends]
Okay, Bow, I-I can't go
get the kids like this.
- It's okay.
- I can't drive like this.
- I can barely talk like this.
- It's okay.
See, this is exactly
what I was afraid of.
We're gonna have to go walk
to get the kids.
Then we'll get stopped by the police
because we will be
suspiciouslooking Black people
and they will arrest us
and we'll go to jail
and I'll lose my job
and everything that
we've worked so hard to
will crumble to dust
because I made a mistake!
- How could I be so stupid?
- No.
Oh, I should have listened
to Jesse Jackson
when he said nope to dope
and ugh to drugs!
Ohhhhh!
[Sighs]
[Clears throat]
- Hello.
- Welcome home.
- DIANE: Uh
- Yep. Okay.
- Everybody is home safe and sound.
- Yay.
Ms. Biggs want to talk
to you guys on Monday.
- Okay.
- Oh
She hopes your
hemorrhoid surgery goes fine.
- RAINBOW: What? Hmm.
- Why would she say that?
You ask me for a favor, I set the terms.
- Hey
- Wow.
So [Chuckles nervously]
I just want to remind you guys
that in this country,
we are innocent
There is spray paint
on his hands. Go upstairs.
No, no, no. I-I can explain.
I was, uh I was spray painting.
- RAINBOW: No.
- No.
Come on, Jack.
I cracked.
[Scoffs] Unbelievable.
Man. We messed this up.
Well
- at least they didn't know we were high.
- [Chuckles]
They probably just think
Devante hid our keys
- and we'll find them tomorrow.
- Okay.
- All of this right here?
- Yes.
This is just a part of why
I do not do the marijuana.
Dre, it worked for me.
It did. I was so relaxed,
and I got reconnected
to my younger self.
Bow, you were talking to a pineapple.
No, Dre.
A pineapple was talking to me.
Listen, come on, come on.
You know it was fun. It wasn't that bad.
Well
You're right. It was fun at first.
But then we got that call,
and I started to spiral out
- Yeah.
- and then it became
the opposite of relaxing.
It was like a a living nightmare
that I couldn't get out of.
- When you're high, you are extra dramatic.
- Okay, look.
I wish that I could let my guard down.
I wish that I could turn my brain off
and know that everything
was going to be all good,
but I can't, because deep down inside,
I know that everything is
not going to be all good.
I-I'm always on alert.
[Slaps legs softly]
I hear you.
- But that's what the weed was for.
- Come on.
To take all this stuff
off your shoulders, Dre,
so you could just chill out.
Okay, hey.
I think it's too late for me to learn
- how to turn all of that off.
- Okay.
And honestly, I don't want to,
because it's just not me.
Okay. If edibles aren't for you,
then we need to find something else
that's gonna help you relax.
Okay.
Because sitting on that floor coloring
was the most fun that I have had
in such a long time.
- Yeah. Me too.
- [Laughs]
[Inhales deeply, sighs]
[Clears throat]
I'm still a little high.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey.
Just let me grab my butterscotches
to pass out to the kids at church,
and we can go.
Where's your little girlfriend?
Olivia had to study,
but I am ready to close the door
on my life of sin.
So, she chose marijuana over you.
I doubt she's studying.
Probably somewhere blazing up.
Grandma, please don't
talk about her that way.
She is not a bad person.
But is she a good person?
I don't know if hanging out with her
is gonna get you a seat in the Kingdom.
And there ain't no water hoses in Hell.
[Bag unzips]
My girlfriend is not going to Hell.
- [Scoffs]
- And to tell you the truth,
she's not studying,
but she's also not blazing up.
She just didn't want to come
to the revival, Grandma.
And if I'm coming clean,
the weed that you smelled
was mine, not Olivia's.
I'm sorry.
Junior.
You know how I feel
about, uh marijuana.
I know.
And you decided to
tell me the truth anyway.
Just like your father
when he started dating your mother.
Before her, I could say any old thing
about the heifers he dated.
Hmm.
But when I called your mother
a "hippie dirt woman,"
he asked me not to
talk about her like that.
- What?
- [Chuckles]
That's how I knew that
hippie dirt woman was special.
So is Olivia.
Well, I'm happy for you,
and I'm glad you told me the truth.
- Thanks, Grandma.
- Mm, all right.
Where the hell you think you're going?
- Oh, I was just gonna go outside and
- Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh-unh.
You're coming to church with me.
The revival's gonna shake that weed
right out of your soul.
And put on a suit.
You look like a clown.
Come on.
Look, Jack, I'm sorry
I got you in trouble.
Diane, I'm not mad we got caught.
I'm mad that you told me
everyone admired my drip
when all you really needed
was a lookout.
Jack, what are you talking about?
You were part of the team.
The worst part of the team.
The part no one wants.
You invited me because I was
the only sucker who would do it.
No, I invited you
because you're the only person I trust.
Anyone else would have bailed
when those floodlights hit,
but you tried to warn us.
It's not your fault that
they had the exits covered.
It actually may have been.
I probably shouldn't have Instagrammed
my lookout position.
You know, before I got
my phone taken away,
everyone was texting about
what a great guy you are.
Greg Curtis even got your number
so he could invite you
to his next party.
Oh.
- For real?
- Mm-hmm.
That's so cool.
Oh, God, what am I gonna wear?
Greg's probably going to juvie,
so we got time to figure that out.
Hey, son, you got a second?
I know I came down really hard on you
about the weed thing,
but hear me out.
I don't trust that the world is ready
to see a Black man smoke weed
without consequences.
I mean, hell,
I get nervous checking
my cellphone on the corner.
[Both chuckle]
No, I I get it.
I know that people look at me
smoking differently
than if I were my White friends.
That is why I'm extra cautious,
but I appreciate you looking out.
If I'm being honest, son
I'm jealous that you can get high
- and tune out the world.
- [Chuckles]
I mean, I got high,
and I checked all of our
security cameras.
We got a blind spot in the garage.
Oh, yeah, that sounds like
the opposite of fun.
You know, when I'm faded,
I like to throw a bunch of
towels in the dryer
and then wrap them around myself
and pretend that I'm in the womb.
And that works, huh?
Yeah. Never felt safer.
But if it doesn't work for you
and it makes you feel paranoid,
it's just not for you.
Well, son, as long as you're being safe.
You know, I'm
I'm just happy that you found something
that helps you relax.
And you know if you ever
want to hang out,
we don't have to smoke.
Oh, no, I think I'm gonna need
- a little bit of something, though.
- [Chuckles]
Hey, you wanna play some "2K"?
Oh, yeah. I'm down.
Just let me, uh, run to
the garage for a second.
- Oh. Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Do that.
Oh! Hey.
Let me show you that,
uh, blind spot in the garage.
Why don't you?
[Both laugh]
[Ball creaks]
JACK: What is she doing?
I guess it's true.
A working mother never sleeps.
Is she talking to a pineapple?
Oh, honey.