Brooklyn Nine-Nine s07e12 Episode Script
Ransom
HITCHCOCK: Can you
believe this, Scully?
Looks like we're the only
responsible people
who show up
on time anymore.
And they're always
calling us lazy.
But where are they
now? I don't see them.
They're not here.
But you know who is?
Hitchcock and Scully.
The oafs.
The bozos.
The
Idiots! What are you
doing here?
The building's
being fumigated.
There were
so many emails.
There were?
We didn't
(THUDS)
Lightweight.
That's your takeaway?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Just doesn't seem like
he should be that fast
for how big he is.
Yeah.
Gah, I hate Wario.
Peralta, my office.
Oh, Kevin's here.
And you both look
so upset.
Oh, no. Did they
stop funding the arts?
They did, but that doesn't
matter anymore. Nothing does.
Cheddar has
been kidnapped.
Someone took
our fluffy boy.
Oh, my God!
What happened?
Well, Cheddar and I walked
to the bakery together.
We shared
a plain scone.
Then we went to the park
and I let him off leash.
He never came back.
Someone took
our fluffy boy.
Right. You mentioned that.
Now just to be clear,
you didn't actually see
someone take him, right?
So there's a chance
Cheddar just ran away.
You know like,
some dogs do.
Cheddar isn't some dog.
He would never do that.
Someone took our
Fluffy boy.
Yes, I understand.
I need you
to drop everything.
Nothing in the world
is as important to me
as this dog.
I wouldn't say nothing.
For example,
you and I are
very close.
We don't have
time for this. Okay.
In kidnapping,
the first 48 hours are the most crucial.
Right. And in dog years,
that's only seven hours.
Why would you say that?
This is why everyone
prefers that dog to you.
Everyone? Okay, look.
I'm just saying that
before we jump
to any conclusions
(CELL PHONE DINGS)
we should consider the fact
that there's
no actual proof
that someone
kidnapped Cheddar.
The text, it reads,
"I've kidnapped your dog."
I see. Well, that seems like
pretty hard proof. That's good.
Good proof.
(SINGING)
I said who's that mama
Looking so cool
I'm that mama
Looking so cool
Whoa.
(GASPS) What?
Oh, sorry,
didn't see you there.
Yeah, that was clear.
What's going on? Why
are you dork dancing?
A baby store in Dumbo is
having a contest to win a Snoog.
Who or what is a Snoog?
Are you kidding me?
It's only the best stroller.
It has the versatility
of Sporjule,
the safety rating
of a Fajerb,
and an even smoother ride
than the Kinderbuscht.
Are you having a stroke?
All the best strollers
are from Scandinavia
where they don't hate people
for having children.
I saw Midsommar. Those
people have their own problems.
This Snoog is my dream stroller,
but it's way too expensive.
What's the contest?
It's an endurance
competition.
Everyone has to stand
with one hand on the stroller,
and if you let go,
you're out.
Last person
holding on wins.
Sounds painful.
Can I come?
Aw, for moral support?
Sure. That.
Okay, sir, the kidnappers
should be calling
with his demands
any minute.
If we can trace
his location,
we can find
your fuzzy boy.
Not fuzzy.
He's fluffy.
KEVIN: We don't know
what he is anymore.
He could be fuzzy.
He could be anything.
Raymond, he could
be scruffy.
Now you've upset Kevin.
I hope you're happy.
Why would I be happy?
I clearly just mixed up
fuzzy and fluffy.
"Just?" You're fired. I want
your shield and your piece.
That seems
a little extreme.
Jake is right.
Thank you, Kevin.
Just suspend him
without pay.
Why did you ask for my help?
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
He's calling. Sir, remember,
we need two minutes for the trace.
Two minutes. Understood.
So just keep him talking
and stay calm.
Peralta,
I'm in complete control.
(DISTORTED VOICE) Hello.
Shut your damn mouth.
I'm the one talking here.
Then this is over.
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
And he hung up. Well,
that could have gone better.
JEFFORDS: Come on, Terry.
You can pick up that paper.
(GROANING)
No, forget it.
(SIGHS WEARILY)
It's only a first offense.
Uh, is everything okay,
Lieutenant?
You've been groaning
all morning.
I'm sore
from my workout.
My muscles hurt
so bad. Look.
Ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow!
Come with me, friend.
I have exactly
what you need.
Bone broth. It's an old
Boyle family recipe.
I drink it after every
workout and I'm never sore.
Boyle, I don't think
we're maxing out
at the same weight
at the gym.
Oh, Terry. They're just
numbers. You'll get there.
Hey. There you are.
And, oh, my God.
What is happening?
I've gotten mad,
and now I'm getting even.
Okay, look. Sir,
I know you're upset.
But you need to stay calm
and treat this like any other case.
I mean, I can't believe
I'm gonna say this,
but now is not the time
to go all John Wick.
Who's that? A friend of
yours? (SCOFFS) I wish.
But he's not
a real person.
He's a movie assassin that
goes nuts when someone
messes with his dog.
Then call me John Wicks
because I'm about to go nuts.
It's Wick. Singular,
and you already did go nuts.
It cost us the trace,
remember?
Look, I need you to focus. The
kidnapper texted his demands.
How much does the bastard
want for my little doggy?
Oh, that's just it.
He doesn't want money.
He requested all the files
we worked from May 2004.
It's a lead.
He's gotta be connected to
one of those cases somehow.
Interesting.
You know what else
is interesting? Hmm?
Grenades.
Just please, stop it.
I'm gonna take Kevin to the park
where Cheddar was kidnapped
and look for clues. I need you to
stay here, go through those files
and put together a list
of potential suspects.
Can you do that?
Okay, fine.
I'll go through
the files. Great.
You realize I can't leave until
you put the grenades back, right?
Oh,
but you let John Wicks have grenades?
It's Wick. Singular.
Just put 'em back.
Okay,
Kevin. We need to recreate your morning
and see if we can
find some clues.
All right. Cheddar and I
entered on the east side
of the park over
past those trees.
Oh, how he loved
those trees.
Jake, I don't know
if I can do this.
Yeah, you can do this.
I'm right here with you.
We're gonna get
through it together.
Now let's go.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh. Hey, Kev, bud.
Couldn't help but
notice that when I said,
"Let's go,"
you didn't go.
You stayed here and
stared at that bench.
Cheddar loved
benches.
He'd run up to them,
sniff their legs.
Paw at them with his
Paws. Sure,
that's what you paw with.
(CLEARS THROAT) I'm
sorry. This is impossible.
Everything I see
reminds me of Cheddar.
The grass,
the asphalt, squirrels.
Cheddar loved squirrels.
Oh, stop.
He loves to chase them.
I suppose
I should say "loved."
He'd never get there. He's
like Kevin, stop. All right?
We need to get over to that
gate and recreate your morning.
And if seeing all these
things is too much,
then just focus only
on me, all right?
Stare straight
into my eyes.
Very good. I'll stare
straight into your eyes. Okay.
Oh, wow. Piercing.
Huh, okay,
so let's do this.
And we are headed
to the east gate.
We're doing great. This
is working. I can do this.
Here we go.
I'm doing it.
You're looking away.
No, I'm not.
Stop looking away.
I'm not.
Don't look away.
But I see leaves.
No! Cheddar loved
playing in leaves.
Didn't matter
what kind.
Oak, maple, elm
Wait.
I hate to cut you off,
but look what I found.
Security camera. Cheddar
loved security cameras.
How is that possible?
SANTIAGO: Oh, Rosa.
There she is.
The Snoog.
Look at those
sexy lines.
Oh, I just wanna get behind
that thing and push.
Aw, man.
You're grossing me out.
(GASPS)
What is Teddy doing here? Teddy?
Oh, my gosh. Hey, Amy.
Oh, right. Boring ex-boyfriend
Teddy. Hey, Teddy.
Hey,
Rosa. SANTIAGO: What are you doing here?
You promised you would stop
showing up at places to propose to me.
Quit flattering yourself.
I only did that four times.
(LAUGHS) Also,
I'm taken now.
I got married, last year,
in the spiciest
little city, Phoenix.
Mmm.
It was very posh.
We served a flight
of large batch Pilsners.
I don't know if you remember,
but I love
ALL: Pilsners.
Yeah, we remember.
Yeah, long story short.
We're pregnant now,
and I'm, uh, gonna try to
win this sexy little number.
Oh, God. Is that what I
sound like? DIAZ: Yep.
Excuse me? Are you here
for the competition?
Uh, yes. Hi,
I'm Teddy Ramos.
Took my wife's
last name.
Very brave.
He's the worst.
Hi, I'm Amy Santiago.
I am so sorry, but pregnant
women aren't allowed to compete.
Not after what happened
last year.
Are you gonna say
what happened?
It's part of the
settlement. We can't.
Okay. Well,
uh, good news.
I'm not pregnant.
I just had a huge lunch.
I'm so sorry.
I just can't.
All right.
I'll compete for her.
What? You will?
But I know you think
these strollers are dumb.
They are. But I can't let
that boring bastard win.
So we decided to paint
the baby room white.
I mean, you used
to have sex with him.
I know.
Charles,
this Boyle bone broth is incredible.
I'm not sore
at all anymore.
I told you it works.
The Boyles used to drink it
during potato digging season
to keep everyone healthy
in the furrows.
You know, I bet
we could sell this stuff.
You really think so?
(GASPS) We can call our
company "The Bone Boys."
No! "More Bone,
Less Moan."
No! "Workplace Bone Buds."
That's the one.
I'm registering it.
Uh, we can name
the company later.
Anyway, I know just
who to pitch this to.
My buddy who invented
Muscle Malt.
(GASPS) This is great!
We're the perfect partners.
When it comes to cooking,
you got me.
When it comes to being ripped,
you also have me.
And you have
a little connection.
We're gonna be rich.
(LAUGHS)
Sir, we're back.
Did you find anything
in the case files?
Yes. Most of them
were useless,
but one caught my eye.
On May 15th, 2004,
detectives arrested Frank Kingston,
leader of the 16th
Street Gang.
Thanks to the testimony
of a confidential informant,
Kingston served 16 years.
He just got out
last month.
And you think he wants
the file to figure out
which one of his guys
turned on him to get revenge.
It's a Vendetta. (IN
ITALIAN ACCENT) Vendetta.
Sure.
So now I know who the
sumbitch is who took my dog.
The only problem is, I have no
idea where to find that sumbitch.
Well, Raymond,
I think we can help you find
that sumbitch. Jake?
Sumbitch.
We all got to say it.
Let me show you
what we found.
A security camera grabbed
some footage of Cheddar
being picked up
and put into a car
which was registered to an
anonymous shell company
on Dean Street.
We can be there
in 15 minutes.
That's weird.
It's sunny outside.
Why is that weird?
Because a (BLEEP) storm is
about to rain down on that punk.
Oh, my God! I fell for it,
and I loved it.
All right, let's gear up.
Kevin, you stay here.
And don't worry. We're
gonna get your dog back.
So we did not
get your dog back.
Unfortunately,
he wasn't here.
No, no, no. I think Captain
Holt's taking it really well.
(SCREAMS)
So we'll see you soon.
WOMAN: Wow, five hours.
This is the most exciting
contest we've had.
Of course,
the incident last year was exciting,
but we all know
how that ended.
No, we don't.
Right. Because
of the gag order.
(SCOFFS)
Are you sure you wanna keep doing this,
Rosa?
You really
don't have to.
My feet hurt a little,
but I can go as long as it takes.
We're having a
great time back here.
I was just telling my buddy Reggie
here about this great salsa that I make.
It's so mild
you barely taste it.
That's it. I can't take
anymore. I'm out.
Bye, Reggie. I'll send you
that article about mailboxes.
REGGIE: Please don't!
Oh, my God. Teddy is boring
people out of the competition,
and he doesn't even
realize it.
Can't let him get
to you, Rosa.
It's fine. I can handle
boring. We're friends.
Ooh, guys,
you will never believe who I saw
at Bush Gardens
last summer.
My neighbor. Yeah.
Just walking around.
The kidnapper said, he would call
with drop instructions at 8:00 a.m.
It is now 8:01.
Cheddar's dead.
Cheddar is not dead.
It's just one minute.
Perhaps the kidnapper's
watch is slow.
Oh, dear God.
If his watch is slow,
there's no telling what else
this psychopath is capable of.
KEVIN: Raymond,
Cheddar is fine.
He's coming back to us
and that is why I bought a
new GPS tag to put on his collar.
Thank you, Kevin. At least
some of us are thinking clearly.
KEVIN: Yes,
crystal clear.
In fact I bought
five GPS tags.
One for his collar and
one for each arm and leg.
I'm going to make
bracelets to put them on,
and I'll never lose
my Cheddar again.
Okay, a little unsettling,
but I like your positivity.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
HOLT: Three minutes after 8:00.
This man is unhinged.
You said you'd
call at 8:00.
(DISTORTED VOICE)
My watch is slow.
Put the files on a flash
drive and have your husband
bring it to the 9th Street
entrance of Prospect Park at noon.
My husband? No.
I'm not involving
him in this.
I'll bring them myself.
I don't trust you.
I told you not to look for me,
but you did.
Send your husband
or the deal is off.
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
Clearly, we're not
doing this.
No, it's fine. We can just alter
the files and give him fakes.
He'll never know.
HOLT: It's not that.
It's that I refuse
to put Kevin in harm's way.
Understood,
but I think maybe I have a way
to put Kevin in danger
without putting Kevin in danger.
(IMPERSONATING) Well,
hello there, Raymond.
It's me, Kevin.
(FLATLY) And I am
Detective Jacob Peralta.
We didn't have anything else to wear,
so we just switched.
He understands.
Okay. If we're gonna
pull this off,
we need to teach you how to move,
talk, and act exactly like Kevin.
In other words we have
ourselves a "Pygmalion" situation.
Exactly, a "pig mailman"
situation.
Raymond.
It'll be okay.
What'll be okay?
Let's get started.
(IMPERSONATING) Yes! Let's
get started. It's getting worse.
Spot on Kevin.
Look,
Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Look, Raymond.
A yellow crested warbler.
No, you're
too excited.
The warbler's a common bird. Ah.
And then I said,
"Which 'Metamorphosis'? Kafka or Ovid?"
(LAUGHS)
He loves it.
He loves it.
(SIGHS) So that's the
joke. Now you tell it.
Oh, okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
So a professor walks in
to a rare books collection
No, you've ruined it.
Now it's not funny.
Look, Raymond.
A yellow crested warbler.
Look, Raymond.
A yellow crested warbler.
HOLT: Ugh,
not excited enough.
They may be common,
but they're still birds.
The 92nd Street Y had
a wonderful symposium
on just that topic.
That's it.
You're getting it.
Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool.
Don't say "cool,"
instead, say "indeed."
Oh, indeed, indeed,
indeed, indeed, indeed.
It's weird.
Look, Raymond.
A yellow crested warbler.
Yes!
That's the right level of
excitement for such a bird.
You captured the essence
of Kevin. You've done it.
Correction,
I've accomplished it.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Indeed, indeed,
indeed, indeed.
ALL: Indeed, indeed, indeed,
indeed, indeed, indeed.
It's growing on me.
Oh, my God! Rosa?
I can't believe
you're still here.
I can't believe
Teddy looks so normal.
I'm gonna win you that Snoo. Slog. Snat,
whatever.
My brain is broken. I
haven't slept in 72 hours.
You've only been doing
the competition for one night.
I mean, you're allowed to
not sleep for other reasons.
Okay. I got you a coffee. Oh,
thank you.
Just need to put my
left hand on the stroller.
My right hand
grabs the cup.
My mouth do
the sipping.
What's happening?
My broken brain won't talk to my body,
so I'm doing it. Blink.
Rosa,
you don't have to do this. You can stop.
Snarl at Amy.
(SNARLS)
Teddy and I are
the only ones left.
I'm gonna win this no matter how
much he talks about light rail systems.
Ooh, you should ride the one in Akron,
by the way.
Very little noise.
Oh, my God! Enough about
light rails. Let's talk trams.
Amusement parks get it.
I can't, I can't, I can't
If most cities adopted
amusement park method
Oh, put your hands
over your ears.
Oh, no.
Wait, Rosa.
Hands are off.
We have a winner.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
Me?
(SIGHS) I won the stroller.
Whoo-hoo! (LAUGHS)
Oh, I see what
I did wrong.
It's okay. Come on,
let's get you home.
Excuse me. Amy?
You can have the
stroller for the right price.
Okay. How much?
Amy Santiago,
will you marry me?
No!
Okay, I'm approaching
the drop site.
I don't see
anything unusual.
We have eyes on you.
Just be natural.
PERALTA: Indeed, I will.
Oh, look,
a yellow crested warbler.
Very good.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
He's calling.
Wait, Kevin, we didn't go over
how you answer the phone.
HOLT: There isn't time.
Just answer.
Okay.
You've reached
Professor Kevin Cozner.
Please start speaking
when I finish this sentence.
(DISTORTED VOICE) Pick up the
book on the bench and head south.
He hung up.
And he had me pick up
a copy of The Tempest.
Oh, no, Raymond.
Do you know
what's happening
in the park today?
The Shakespeare Festival
which will be
attended by
Guys, I'm in
a sea of Kevins.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Okay, between us,
I think we made enough broth.
Did you edit the
presentation like I asked?
You mean, did I remove the
tasteful photos of me stretching?
They weren't tasteful.
You were in a thong.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
All right,
Muscle Malt Kenneth is on his way up.
Hey, I just wanna say,
no matter how this turns out,
it was really fun working
on this with you.
Aw, Terry, it's gotta turn out
well. I invested $11,000 in it.
$11,000!
It only cost 30 bucks
to make the broth.
Yeah, but it cost $11,000
to buy the domain name.
Workplacebonebuds.com.
I am all in.
Boyle, why in the world
would you do that?
You are such a An
amazing business partner.
Kenneth, I'd like you
to meet my amazing
business partner,
Charles.
Hey.
Hello.
I'm excited to see
what you guys have here.
Well then, take a sip, and feel
the soreness start to drain away.
(JEFFORDS CHUCKLES)
(SLURPS) Mmm.
It's good. Very tasty.
Not only
is it delicious,
it's high on amino
acids and low in sodium.
Well, not exactly
low in sodium.
It definitely
has salt in it.
Not in the batch I made.
I left it out.
Terry doesn't like to get all
bloaty. You left out the salt?
That stops the fermentation.
The salt keeps it stable.
Oh! Ah!
God, what is happening?
They're all gonna blow.
TERRY: Take cover!
So, uh,
do we have a deal?
(ALL SCREAM)
PERALTA: Still waiting
for instructions. Over.
HOLT: Wait. We
don't have eyes on you.
Kevin, do you see Jake?
Yes, he's right there.
Oh, no, that's a different gentleman
wearing a handsome jacket.
Everyone is
so well dressed.
Peralta, head for
the north gate.
We're having trouble
finding you.
All right, Professor. I'm
assuming you're wearing a wire.
A what?
Ah, yes, a wire. My husband
asked me to wear that.
We lost comms.
Something happened.
Cheddar!
Uh, my fluffy boy.
I've missed you so.
All right, put up your hands.
I'm gonna tap you down.
There's no need for that.
Here, I have the drive.
Just take it.
Thanks. I'm still
gonna pat you down.
Be my guest,
but you're not gonna find anything.
Here's a gun.
Whoops.
And another gun. I
forgot about that one too.
So, the Professor's got
two guns on him,
and he's wearing
a fake beard.
Oh, please don't rip
it off. It hurts so much.
I think the Professor's
actually a cop.
Something tells me I
should check that drive.
There's a laptop in
the front seat. Get it.
If these files aren't the real deal,
you and the dog are dead.
Oh, no need to worry,
because everything is on the
level and will be completely fine.
(GRUNTS)
Cheddar, go! Go, boy!
Hey, cop.
Would you like to buy
a laptop?
There's no sign
of Peralta out here.
Did you hear anything on the wire? No,
it never came back on.
Do you think he's okay? Shh.
What?
Do you hear it?
(BELL JINGLES)
Yes, I do.
That's the jingle
of Cheddar's collar.
(BARKS)
And that's his bark!
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, it's our
fluffy boy!
Good dog.
Good dog.
Oh, Mr. Cheddar,
how I've missed you. We both have.
I'm putting that GPS tag
on your collar immediately.
Oh, damn it,
it's not here.
I'm wearing
Peralta's pants.
Ugh,
and now my hands are sticky.
Wait, so Peralta's wearing your pants,
which means
He doesn't have
sticky hands.
Yes, but also,
he has the GPS tracker.
(GASPS)
Hey, so given the fact that
you haven't slept in forever,
I feel like I should
drive you home.
I'm not going home.
I'm going out.
What? Really?
What is your life?
It's pretty good actually.
Huh.
By the way, I'm sorry
that I I didn't win you
that stroller.
No, no, no.
You were right.
I don't need a Snoog. It's
way too fancy. It is stupid.
It's not stupid. I said
you didn't need it
because I already
bought you a stroller
for your shower
this weekend.
It's just isn't as
fancy and I felt bad.
Rosa, I would love any stroller you
got me because it came from you.
It's a Luftroller.
Oh, that is
That is a great stroller.
I got you a gift receipt.
Thank you so much.
I cleaned as much as I
could but I think that couch
is gonna smell like
bone broth for a while.
So, did you talk
to your friend?
Any chance he'll
reconsider investing?
Yeah, that's not happening.
He said that was the
most scared he's ever been.
And he was on that plane
that landed on the Hudson.
I guess that's it.
I'm never gonna make
my $11,000 back.
Actually,
I called another guy from my gym.
He wants to buy
the domain
workplacebonebuds.com
off of you. That's amazing.
I can't believe you found
someone else
who runs a bone broth
company with a coworker.
What are the odds?
No.
Obviously, he wants
to make a website
that helps people hook up
with their coworkers.
I don't see it.
Charles!
It's called
workplacebonebuds.com.
All I hear is friendship
and broth.
But yeah,
I mean he wants to burn his money,
I'll light the match. Yeah,
tell him to call me. His loss.
So, what's your
plan here, Kingston?
You gonna torture me?
You gonna put my beard
back on and rip it off again?
No,
I'm gonna cut each one of your fingers
until you tell me
who the rat is.
I see. Well,
that's bad news,
because I don't know
who the rat is,
and I need all my fingers
if I'm gonna beat Wario.
You can't beat Wario?
You can?
How do you do it?
It's simple. When he's approaching,
you just tap the
(ALARM BLARING)
Damn it!
Motion detector.
I'm sorry. What do you
tap? Get up. Let's go.
Kingston,
what do you tap?
What do you tap?
NYPD! NYPD!
Split up.
Cover the exits.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Freeze!
Captain! Captain!
HOLT: He's not
getting away.
He took my dog!
Oh, my God!
It's happening.
(GRUNTING)
(GUNSHOT)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GRUNTS)
Oh, I see
you have a knife.
But what you need
is an umbrella.
Tell him why.
Tell him why.
Because there's a (BLEEP) storm
gonna rain down on you, punk.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
PERALTA: Ooh.
My goodness.
(GRUNTING CONTINUES)
(WHOOPING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(HOLT YELLING)
You took
the wrong fluffy boy!
(SIRENS APPROACHING)
(GRUNTS) He's done.
Cuff him. OFFICER: Yes, sir.
That was the single coolest
thing that has ever happened.
Relax, Peralta.
That wasn't even the
coolest thing I've ever done.
What have you done
that's cooler? It was the '80s.
It was nothing. I mean,
they made a movie out of it,
but whatever.
What? What movie?
I don't remember
the title.
Uh, there was a crime
on a plane,
I was a passenger.
Was it Passenger 57?
I honestly don't know.
It had to have been.
Just say it was that.
You know, Peralta,
sometimes I don't
understand the words
coming out of your mouth.
Oh,
my God! Was it Rush Hour? What? No.
You know what?
I'm too old for this crap.
It was Lethal Weapon?
Sir, are you
Murtaugh?
Does that make me Riggs?
I am Riggs!
believe this, Scully?
Looks like we're the only
responsible people
who show up
on time anymore.
And they're always
calling us lazy.
But where are they
now? I don't see them.
They're not here.
But you know who is?
Hitchcock and Scully.
The oafs.
The bozos.
The
Idiots! What are you
doing here?
The building's
being fumigated.
There were
so many emails.
There were?
We didn't
(THUDS)
Lightweight.
That's your takeaway?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Just doesn't seem like
he should be that fast
for how big he is.
Yeah.
Gah, I hate Wario.
Peralta, my office.
Oh, Kevin's here.
And you both look
so upset.
Oh, no. Did they
stop funding the arts?
They did, but that doesn't
matter anymore. Nothing does.
Cheddar has
been kidnapped.
Someone took
our fluffy boy.
Oh, my God!
What happened?
Well, Cheddar and I walked
to the bakery together.
We shared
a plain scone.
Then we went to the park
and I let him off leash.
He never came back.
Someone took
our fluffy boy.
Right. You mentioned that.
Now just to be clear,
you didn't actually see
someone take him, right?
So there's a chance
Cheddar just ran away.
You know like,
some dogs do.
Cheddar isn't some dog.
He would never do that.
Someone took our
Fluffy boy.
Yes, I understand.
I need you
to drop everything.
Nothing in the world
is as important to me
as this dog.
I wouldn't say nothing.
For example,
you and I are
very close.
We don't have
time for this. Okay.
In kidnapping,
the first 48 hours are the most crucial.
Right. And in dog years,
that's only seven hours.
Why would you say that?
This is why everyone
prefers that dog to you.
Everyone? Okay, look.
I'm just saying that
before we jump
to any conclusions
(CELL PHONE DINGS)
we should consider the fact
that there's
no actual proof
that someone
kidnapped Cheddar.
The text, it reads,
"I've kidnapped your dog."
I see. Well, that seems like
pretty hard proof. That's good.
Good proof.
(SINGING)
I said who's that mama
Looking so cool
I'm that mama
Looking so cool
Whoa.
(GASPS) What?
Oh, sorry,
didn't see you there.
Yeah, that was clear.
What's going on? Why
are you dork dancing?
A baby store in Dumbo is
having a contest to win a Snoog.
Who or what is a Snoog?
Are you kidding me?
It's only the best stroller.
It has the versatility
of Sporjule,
the safety rating
of a Fajerb,
and an even smoother ride
than the Kinderbuscht.
Are you having a stroke?
All the best strollers
are from Scandinavia
where they don't hate people
for having children.
I saw Midsommar. Those
people have their own problems.
This Snoog is my dream stroller,
but it's way too expensive.
What's the contest?
It's an endurance
competition.
Everyone has to stand
with one hand on the stroller,
and if you let go,
you're out.
Last person
holding on wins.
Sounds painful.
Can I come?
Aw, for moral support?
Sure. That.
Okay, sir, the kidnappers
should be calling
with his demands
any minute.
If we can trace
his location,
we can find
your fuzzy boy.
Not fuzzy.
He's fluffy.
KEVIN: We don't know
what he is anymore.
He could be fuzzy.
He could be anything.
Raymond, he could
be scruffy.
Now you've upset Kevin.
I hope you're happy.
Why would I be happy?
I clearly just mixed up
fuzzy and fluffy.
"Just?" You're fired. I want
your shield and your piece.
That seems
a little extreme.
Jake is right.
Thank you, Kevin.
Just suspend him
without pay.
Why did you ask for my help?
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
He's calling. Sir, remember,
we need two minutes for the trace.
Two minutes. Understood.
So just keep him talking
and stay calm.
Peralta,
I'm in complete control.
(DISTORTED VOICE) Hello.
Shut your damn mouth.
I'm the one talking here.
Then this is over.
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
And he hung up. Well,
that could have gone better.
JEFFORDS: Come on, Terry.
You can pick up that paper.
(GROANING)
No, forget it.
(SIGHS WEARILY)
It's only a first offense.
Uh, is everything okay,
Lieutenant?
You've been groaning
all morning.
I'm sore
from my workout.
My muscles hurt
so bad. Look.
Ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow!
Come with me, friend.
I have exactly
what you need.
Bone broth. It's an old
Boyle family recipe.
I drink it after every
workout and I'm never sore.
Boyle, I don't think
we're maxing out
at the same weight
at the gym.
Oh, Terry. They're just
numbers. You'll get there.
Hey. There you are.
And, oh, my God.
What is happening?
I've gotten mad,
and now I'm getting even.
Okay, look. Sir,
I know you're upset.
But you need to stay calm
and treat this like any other case.
I mean, I can't believe
I'm gonna say this,
but now is not the time
to go all John Wick.
Who's that? A friend of
yours? (SCOFFS) I wish.
But he's not
a real person.
He's a movie assassin that
goes nuts when someone
messes with his dog.
Then call me John Wicks
because I'm about to go nuts.
It's Wick. Singular,
and you already did go nuts.
It cost us the trace,
remember?
Look, I need you to focus. The
kidnapper texted his demands.
How much does the bastard
want for my little doggy?
Oh, that's just it.
He doesn't want money.
He requested all the files
we worked from May 2004.
It's a lead.
He's gotta be connected to
one of those cases somehow.
Interesting.
You know what else
is interesting? Hmm?
Grenades.
Just please, stop it.
I'm gonna take Kevin to the park
where Cheddar was kidnapped
and look for clues. I need you to
stay here, go through those files
and put together a list
of potential suspects.
Can you do that?
Okay, fine.
I'll go through
the files. Great.
You realize I can't leave until
you put the grenades back, right?
Oh,
but you let John Wicks have grenades?
It's Wick. Singular.
Just put 'em back.
Okay,
Kevin. We need to recreate your morning
and see if we can
find some clues.
All right. Cheddar and I
entered on the east side
of the park over
past those trees.
Oh, how he loved
those trees.
Jake, I don't know
if I can do this.
Yeah, you can do this.
I'm right here with you.
We're gonna get
through it together.
Now let's go.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh. Hey, Kev, bud.
Couldn't help but
notice that when I said,
"Let's go,"
you didn't go.
You stayed here and
stared at that bench.
Cheddar loved
benches.
He'd run up to them,
sniff their legs.
Paw at them with his
Paws. Sure,
that's what you paw with.
(CLEARS THROAT) I'm
sorry. This is impossible.
Everything I see
reminds me of Cheddar.
The grass,
the asphalt, squirrels.
Cheddar loved squirrels.
Oh, stop.
He loves to chase them.
I suppose
I should say "loved."
He'd never get there. He's
like Kevin, stop. All right?
We need to get over to that
gate and recreate your morning.
And if seeing all these
things is too much,
then just focus only
on me, all right?
Stare straight
into my eyes.
Very good. I'll stare
straight into your eyes. Okay.
Oh, wow. Piercing.
Huh, okay,
so let's do this.
And we are headed
to the east gate.
We're doing great. This
is working. I can do this.
Here we go.
I'm doing it.
You're looking away.
No, I'm not.
Stop looking away.
I'm not.
Don't look away.
But I see leaves.
No! Cheddar loved
playing in leaves.
Didn't matter
what kind.
Oak, maple, elm
Wait.
I hate to cut you off,
but look what I found.
Security camera. Cheddar
loved security cameras.
How is that possible?
SANTIAGO: Oh, Rosa.
There she is.
The Snoog.
Look at those
sexy lines.
Oh, I just wanna get behind
that thing and push.
Aw, man.
You're grossing me out.
(GASPS)
What is Teddy doing here? Teddy?
Oh, my gosh. Hey, Amy.
Oh, right. Boring ex-boyfriend
Teddy. Hey, Teddy.
Hey,
Rosa. SANTIAGO: What are you doing here?
You promised you would stop
showing up at places to propose to me.
Quit flattering yourself.
I only did that four times.
(LAUGHS) Also,
I'm taken now.
I got married, last year,
in the spiciest
little city, Phoenix.
Mmm.
It was very posh.
We served a flight
of large batch Pilsners.
I don't know if you remember,
but I love
ALL: Pilsners.
Yeah, we remember.
Yeah, long story short.
We're pregnant now,
and I'm, uh, gonna try to
win this sexy little number.
Oh, God. Is that what I
sound like? DIAZ: Yep.
Excuse me? Are you here
for the competition?
Uh, yes. Hi,
I'm Teddy Ramos.
Took my wife's
last name.
Very brave.
He's the worst.
Hi, I'm Amy Santiago.
I am so sorry, but pregnant
women aren't allowed to compete.
Not after what happened
last year.
Are you gonna say
what happened?
It's part of the
settlement. We can't.
Okay. Well,
uh, good news.
I'm not pregnant.
I just had a huge lunch.
I'm so sorry.
I just can't.
All right.
I'll compete for her.
What? You will?
But I know you think
these strollers are dumb.
They are. But I can't let
that boring bastard win.
So we decided to paint
the baby room white.
I mean, you used
to have sex with him.
I know.
Charles,
this Boyle bone broth is incredible.
I'm not sore
at all anymore.
I told you it works.
The Boyles used to drink it
during potato digging season
to keep everyone healthy
in the furrows.
You know, I bet
we could sell this stuff.
You really think so?
(GASPS) We can call our
company "The Bone Boys."
No! "More Bone,
Less Moan."
No! "Workplace Bone Buds."
That's the one.
I'm registering it.
Uh, we can name
the company later.
Anyway, I know just
who to pitch this to.
My buddy who invented
Muscle Malt.
(GASPS) This is great!
We're the perfect partners.
When it comes to cooking,
you got me.
When it comes to being ripped,
you also have me.
And you have
a little connection.
We're gonna be rich.
(LAUGHS)
Sir, we're back.
Did you find anything
in the case files?
Yes. Most of them
were useless,
but one caught my eye.
On May 15th, 2004,
detectives arrested Frank Kingston,
leader of the 16th
Street Gang.
Thanks to the testimony
of a confidential informant,
Kingston served 16 years.
He just got out
last month.
And you think he wants
the file to figure out
which one of his guys
turned on him to get revenge.
It's a Vendetta. (IN
ITALIAN ACCENT) Vendetta.
Sure.
So now I know who the
sumbitch is who took my dog.
The only problem is, I have no
idea where to find that sumbitch.
Well, Raymond,
I think we can help you find
that sumbitch. Jake?
Sumbitch.
We all got to say it.
Let me show you
what we found.
A security camera grabbed
some footage of Cheddar
being picked up
and put into a car
which was registered to an
anonymous shell company
on Dean Street.
We can be there
in 15 minutes.
That's weird.
It's sunny outside.
Why is that weird?
Because a (BLEEP) storm is
about to rain down on that punk.
Oh, my God! I fell for it,
and I loved it.
All right, let's gear up.
Kevin, you stay here.
And don't worry. We're
gonna get your dog back.
So we did not
get your dog back.
Unfortunately,
he wasn't here.
No, no, no. I think Captain
Holt's taking it really well.
(SCREAMS)
So we'll see you soon.
WOMAN: Wow, five hours.
This is the most exciting
contest we've had.
Of course,
the incident last year was exciting,
but we all know
how that ended.
No, we don't.
Right. Because
of the gag order.
(SCOFFS)
Are you sure you wanna keep doing this,
Rosa?
You really
don't have to.
My feet hurt a little,
but I can go as long as it takes.
We're having a
great time back here.
I was just telling my buddy Reggie
here about this great salsa that I make.
It's so mild
you barely taste it.
That's it. I can't take
anymore. I'm out.
Bye, Reggie. I'll send you
that article about mailboxes.
REGGIE: Please don't!
Oh, my God. Teddy is boring
people out of the competition,
and he doesn't even
realize it.
Can't let him get
to you, Rosa.
It's fine. I can handle
boring. We're friends.
Ooh, guys,
you will never believe who I saw
at Bush Gardens
last summer.
My neighbor. Yeah.
Just walking around.
The kidnapper said, he would call
with drop instructions at 8:00 a.m.
It is now 8:01.
Cheddar's dead.
Cheddar is not dead.
It's just one minute.
Perhaps the kidnapper's
watch is slow.
Oh, dear God.
If his watch is slow,
there's no telling what else
this psychopath is capable of.
KEVIN: Raymond,
Cheddar is fine.
He's coming back to us
and that is why I bought a
new GPS tag to put on his collar.
Thank you, Kevin. At least
some of us are thinking clearly.
KEVIN: Yes,
crystal clear.
In fact I bought
five GPS tags.
One for his collar and
one for each arm and leg.
I'm going to make
bracelets to put them on,
and I'll never lose
my Cheddar again.
Okay, a little unsettling,
but I like your positivity.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
HOLT: Three minutes after 8:00.
This man is unhinged.
You said you'd
call at 8:00.
(DISTORTED VOICE)
My watch is slow.
Put the files on a flash
drive and have your husband
bring it to the 9th Street
entrance of Prospect Park at noon.
My husband? No.
I'm not involving
him in this.
I'll bring them myself.
I don't trust you.
I told you not to look for me,
but you did.
Send your husband
or the deal is off.
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
Clearly, we're not
doing this.
No, it's fine. We can just alter
the files and give him fakes.
He'll never know.
HOLT: It's not that.
It's that I refuse
to put Kevin in harm's way.
Understood,
but I think maybe I have a way
to put Kevin in danger
without putting Kevin in danger.
(IMPERSONATING) Well,
hello there, Raymond.
It's me, Kevin.
(FLATLY) And I am
Detective Jacob Peralta.
We didn't have anything else to wear,
so we just switched.
He understands.
Okay. If we're gonna
pull this off,
we need to teach you how to move,
talk, and act exactly like Kevin.
In other words we have
ourselves a "Pygmalion" situation.
Exactly, a "pig mailman"
situation.
Raymond.
It'll be okay.
What'll be okay?
Let's get started.
(IMPERSONATING) Yes! Let's
get started. It's getting worse.
Spot on Kevin.
Look,
Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Look, Raymond.
A yellow crested warbler.
No, you're
too excited.
The warbler's a common bird. Ah.
And then I said,
"Which 'Metamorphosis'? Kafka or Ovid?"
(LAUGHS)
He loves it.
He loves it.
(SIGHS) So that's the
joke. Now you tell it.
Oh, okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
So a professor walks in
to a rare books collection
No, you've ruined it.
Now it's not funny.
Look, Raymond.
A yellow crested warbler.
Look, Raymond.
A yellow crested warbler.
HOLT: Ugh,
not excited enough.
They may be common,
but they're still birds.
The 92nd Street Y had
a wonderful symposium
on just that topic.
That's it.
You're getting it.
Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool.
Don't say "cool,"
instead, say "indeed."
Oh, indeed, indeed,
indeed, indeed, indeed.
It's weird.
Look, Raymond.
A yellow crested warbler.
Yes!
That's the right level of
excitement for such a bird.
You captured the essence
of Kevin. You've done it.
Correction,
I've accomplished it.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Indeed, indeed,
indeed, indeed.
ALL: Indeed, indeed, indeed,
indeed, indeed, indeed.
It's growing on me.
Oh, my God! Rosa?
I can't believe
you're still here.
I can't believe
Teddy looks so normal.
I'm gonna win you that Snoo. Slog. Snat,
whatever.
My brain is broken. I
haven't slept in 72 hours.
You've only been doing
the competition for one night.
I mean, you're allowed to
not sleep for other reasons.
Okay. I got you a coffee. Oh,
thank you.
Just need to put my
left hand on the stroller.
My right hand
grabs the cup.
My mouth do
the sipping.
What's happening?
My broken brain won't talk to my body,
so I'm doing it. Blink.
Rosa,
you don't have to do this. You can stop.
Snarl at Amy.
(SNARLS)
Teddy and I are
the only ones left.
I'm gonna win this no matter how
much he talks about light rail systems.
Ooh, you should ride the one in Akron,
by the way.
Very little noise.
Oh, my God! Enough about
light rails. Let's talk trams.
Amusement parks get it.
I can't, I can't, I can't
If most cities adopted
amusement park method
Oh, put your hands
over your ears.
Oh, no.
Wait, Rosa.
Hands are off.
We have a winner.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
Me?
(SIGHS) I won the stroller.
Whoo-hoo! (LAUGHS)
Oh, I see what
I did wrong.
It's okay. Come on,
let's get you home.
Excuse me. Amy?
You can have the
stroller for the right price.
Okay. How much?
Amy Santiago,
will you marry me?
No!
Okay, I'm approaching
the drop site.
I don't see
anything unusual.
We have eyes on you.
Just be natural.
PERALTA: Indeed, I will.
Oh, look,
a yellow crested warbler.
Very good.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
He's calling.
Wait, Kevin, we didn't go over
how you answer the phone.
HOLT: There isn't time.
Just answer.
Okay.
You've reached
Professor Kevin Cozner.
Please start speaking
when I finish this sentence.
(DISTORTED VOICE) Pick up the
book on the bench and head south.
He hung up.
And he had me pick up
a copy of The Tempest.
Oh, no, Raymond.
Do you know
what's happening
in the park today?
The Shakespeare Festival
which will be
attended by
Guys, I'm in
a sea of Kevins.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Okay, between us,
I think we made enough broth.
Did you edit the
presentation like I asked?
You mean, did I remove the
tasteful photos of me stretching?
They weren't tasteful.
You were in a thong.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
All right,
Muscle Malt Kenneth is on his way up.
Hey, I just wanna say,
no matter how this turns out,
it was really fun working
on this with you.
Aw, Terry, it's gotta turn out
well. I invested $11,000 in it.
$11,000!
It only cost 30 bucks
to make the broth.
Yeah, but it cost $11,000
to buy the domain name.
Workplacebonebuds.com.
I am all in.
Boyle, why in the world
would you do that?
You are such a An
amazing business partner.
Kenneth, I'd like you
to meet my amazing
business partner,
Charles.
Hey.
Hello.
I'm excited to see
what you guys have here.
Well then, take a sip, and feel
the soreness start to drain away.
(JEFFORDS CHUCKLES)
(SLURPS) Mmm.
It's good. Very tasty.
Not only
is it delicious,
it's high on amino
acids and low in sodium.
Well, not exactly
low in sodium.
It definitely
has salt in it.
Not in the batch I made.
I left it out.
Terry doesn't like to get all
bloaty. You left out the salt?
That stops the fermentation.
The salt keeps it stable.
Oh! Ah!
God, what is happening?
They're all gonna blow.
TERRY: Take cover!
So, uh,
do we have a deal?
(ALL SCREAM)
PERALTA: Still waiting
for instructions. Over.
HOLT: Wait. We
don't have eyes on you.
Kevin, do you see Jake?
Yes, he's right there.
Oh, no, that's a different gentleman
wearing a handsome jacket.
Everyone is
so well dressed.
Peralta, head for
the north gate.
We're having trouble
finding you.
All right, Professor. I'm
assuming you're wearing a wire.
A what?
Ah, yes, a wire. My husband
asked me to wear that.
We lost comms.
Something happened.
Cheddar!
Uh, my fluffy boy.
I've missed you so.
All right, put up your hands.
I'm gonna tap you down.
There's no need for that.
Here, I have the drive.
Just take it.
Thanks. I'm still
gonna pat you down.
Be my guest,
but you're not gonna find anything.
Here's a gun.
Whoops.
And another gun. I
forgot about that one too.
So, the Professor's got
two guns on him,
and he's wearing
a fake beard.
Oh, please don't rip
it off. It hurts so much.
I think the Professor's
actually a cop.
Something tells me I
should check that drive.
There's a laptop in
the front seat. Get it.
If these files aren't the real deal,
you and the dog are dead.
Oh, no need to worry,
because everything is on the
level and will be completely fine.
(GRUNTS)
Cheddar, go! Go, boy!
Hey, cop.
Would you like to buy
a laptop?
There's no sign
of Peralta out here.
Did you hear anything on the wire? No,
it never came back on.
Do you think he's okay? Shh.
What?
Do you hear it?
(BELL JINGLES)
Yes, I do.
That's the jingle
of Cheddar's collar.
(BARKS)
And that's his bark!
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, it's our
fluffy boy!
Good dog.
Good dog.
Oh, Mr. Cheddar,
how I've missed you. We both have.
I'm putting that GPS tag
on your collar immediately.
Oh, damn it,
it's not here.
I'm wearing
Peralta's pants.
Ugh,
and now my hands are sticky.
Wait, so Peralta's wearing your pants,
which means
He doesn't have
sticky hands.
Yes, but also,
he has the GPS tracker.
(GASPS)
Hey, so given the fact that
you haven't slept in forever,
I feel like I should
drive you home.
I'm not going home.
I'm going out.
What? Really?
What is your life?
It's pretty good actually.
Huh.
By the way, I'm sorry
that I I didn't win you
that stroller.
No, no, no.
You were right.
I don't need a Snoog. It's
way too fancy. It is stupid.
It's not stupid. I said
you didn't need it
because I already
bought you a stroller
for your shower
this weekend.
It's just isn't as
fancy and I felt bad.
Rosa, I would love any stroller you
got me because it came from you.
It's a Luftroller.
Oh, that is
That is a great stroller.
I got you a gift receipt.
Thank you so much.
I cleaned as much as I
could but I think that couch
is gonna smell like
bone broth for a while.
So, did you talk
to your friend?
Any chance he'll
reconsider investing?
Yeah, that's not happening.
He said that was the
most scared he's ever been.
And he was on that plane
that landed on the Hudson.
I guess that's it.
I'm never gonna make
my $11,000 back.
Actually,
I called another guy from my gym.
He wants to buy
the domain
workplacebonebuds.com
off of you. That's amazing.
I can't believe you found
someone else
who runs a bone broth
company with a coworker.
What are the odds?
No.
Obviously, he wants
to make a website
that helps people hook up
with their coworkers.
I don't see it.
Charles!
It's called
workplacebonebuds.com.
All I hear is friendship
and broth.
But yeah,
I mean he wants to burn his money,
I'll light the match. Yeah,
tell him to call me. His loss.
So, what's your
plan here, Kingston?
You gonna torture me?
You gonna put my beard
back on and rip it off again?
No,
I'm gonna cut each one of your fingers
until you tell me
who the rat is.
I see. Well,
that's bad news,
because I don't know
who the rat is,
and I need all my fingers
if I'm gonna beat Wario.
You can't beat Wario?
You can?
How do you do it?
It's simple. When he's approaching,
you just tap the
(ALARM BLARING)
Damn it!
Motion detector.
I'm sorry. What do you
tap? Get up. Let's go.
Kingston,
what do you tap?
What do you tap?
NYPD! NYPD!
Split up.
Cover the exits.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Freeze!
Captain! Captain!
HOLT: He's not
getting away.
He took my dog!
Oh, my God!
It's happening.
(GRUNTING)
(GUNSHOT)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GRUNTS)
Oh, I see
you have a knife.
But what you need
is an umbrella.
Tell him why.
Tell him why.
Because there's a (BLEEP) storm
gonna rain down on you, punk.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
PERALTA: Ooh.
My goodness.
(GRUNTING CONTINUES)
(WHOOPING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(HOLT YELLING)
You took
the wrong fluffy boy!
(SIRENS APPROACHING)
(GRUNTS) He's done.
Cuff him. OFFICER: Yes, sir.
That was the single coolest
thing that has ever happened.
Relax, Peralta.
That wasn't even the
coolest thing I've ever done.
What have you done
that's cooler? It was the '80s.
It was nothing. I mean,
they made a movie out of it,
but whatever.
What? What movie?
I don't remember
the title.
Uh, there was a crime
on a plane,
I was a passenger.
Was it Passenger 57?
I honestly don't know.
It had to have been.
Just say it was that.
You know, Peralta,
sometimes I don't
understand the words
coming out of your mouth.
Oh,
my God! Was it Rush Hour? What? No.
You know what?
I'm too old for this crap.
It was Lethal Weapon?
Sir, are you
Murtaugh?
Does that make me Riggs?
I am Riggs!