Brooklyn Nine-Nine s07e13 Episode Script

And those of you
patrolling 7th Avenue,
please be aware
of the new pedal pubs.
They're bike-powered
mobile bars
that are very popular
with bachelorette parties.
But unfortunately they have
led to a dramatic increase
in the rarely seen case
of female public urination.
Resist.
(SOFTLY) Yeah.
HOLT: That's everything,
but before we go home,
quick reminder
that today
is Sergeant Santiago's last
day before maternity leave.
Yes.
We'll see you
in three months.
SCULLY: She gets
three months off?
Can I take
a maternity leave?
Are you giving
birth to a baby?
I'm having a seven
pound mass
removed from my
abdomen next week.
(ALL GROAN)
Yeah, never ask Scully
questions. That's on me, guys!
Dismissed.
So, have you guys
decided on a name yet?
We're not telling
people until he's born.
Not the baby's name. My
name. What's he gonna call me?
Uncle Chuck? Uncy C? Ooh Chee-Chee,
so he says it early?
Maybe just Charles.
Wait, so my dad gets
to be his "Pop-Pop,"
but I'm just "Charles?"
Your dad does not get
to be his "Pop-Pop."
Well, I hope you're prepared
to make that phone call.
(POWER SHUTS DOWN)
PERALTA: Uh,
what was that?
Wow, all of Brooklyn lost power.
PERALTA: You know,
I've always kind of liked blackouts.
Listen to how quiet
it is. It's so peaceful.
(GUNSHOTS)
(WHEELS SCREECHING)
Nope, it immediately turned into
a purge. (CAR ALARM BLARING)
Way to go, New York.
All right, let's suit up!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
BOYLE: Maybe it's not
so bad out there.
I mean, none of our
phones are ringing.
That's because all
the cell towers are down.
Nobody has landlines anymore,
so they can't call in.
Huh, really makes you think
about society's reliance
on modern technology,
doesn't it?
No.
Yeah, me neither.
I just thought maybe
that's how you see it.
Guys, stop wasting time.
Headlamps on!
HITCHCOCK: We have to
engage blackout protocol.
I'm surprised, those guys are
really springing into action.
Nope, they're just eating
all the food in the fridge
before it goes bad.
There's a dozen sandwiches
here, I don't know what kind.
I'll figure it out later.
Just start chewing.
Yeah, they suck.
So, only Captain Holt
or Terry
can initiate
actual blackout protocol,
but I don't see
them anywhere.
Guys? Where did
our dads go?
Hello? Anyone?
We're stuck
in the elevator!
Can't you yell
any louder?
Use those big strong lungs
you're always flexing.
These are my pecs.
So this is all
just for show then.
It has no
functional purpose.
I mean,
I am pretty strong.
Good, then rip
those doors open.
I can't do that. Oh,
well at least you haven't
dedicated a significant
portion of your life
to looking like this.
What is with you?
I'm sorry.
This is a nightmare
of mine.
I have a phobia
of elevators.
It stems from a traumatic
experience I had as a child.
They only perform
rated-load testing
on city elevators
every five years?
Oh, my.
That was the last time I read
the municipal code before bed.
But
The damage was done.
Wait, look at this, sir.
I think we'll be fine.
It was inspected
four months ago.
By Walter Beverly,
the clown prince
of the Department
of Buildings.
You've made it
so much worse. Help!
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
Help!
Yeah, they're trapped
in there.
Oh, no, that means
we have to call
the fire
department. (GAGS)
Or, hear me out, we leave
them in there forever,
and move on
emotionally.
No. Call the fire
department.
All right, as the highest
ranking officer
not trapped in a box,
I'll take charge.
BOYLE: Uh,
shouldn't you be taking it easy?
Your shift's over.
You're on maternity leave.
As the baby's Chee-Chee
Charles, I'm fine,
and this is an emergency.
Subways aren't running,
and we're gonna have
a lot of people on the street.
So I'm gonna call
Mounted Division
to help with
crowd control.
BOYLE: But that's
Sergeant Peanut Butter's unit.
No one wants to work with
that condescending dick.
Okay, first of all,
he's a horse,
so he can't be
condescending.
(CHUCKLES) Oh,
he's got you people fooled.
Secondly
He's a lieutenant now.
What? How?
Charles, get it together.
I want you and Jake
to go to the Gowanus
power substation.
That's where
the transformer exploded.
Work with ESU,
get us a timetable
for the power being restored,
and hurry!
Wow,
look at my pregnant wife taking charge.
I don't know whether
to be proud or turned on.
I said hurry.
Oh, my God, it's both.
Hey, what happened?
Someone lost control
of their car,
jumped the curb,
went through the fence,
and rammed into
the transformer.
Guy must have been
drunk. There was an empty
bottle of vodka on
the floor of the car.
Okay, Charles,
I see two possibilities.
One, he was vaporized
into a being
of pure electricity,
becoming a supervillain
known only as
"The Surge Freak."
Seems unlikely. Yeah,
I know, Officer Rick,
that's why I said there
were two possibilities.
He probably just hobbled
off so he wouldn't get a DUI.
Here, we'll follow this
very obvious trail of blood.
Happy now?
Stupid Officer Rick
and his stupid
joyless approach
to life. Come on.
BOYLE: I can't see anything.
PERALTA: Me neither.
We'll just have to rely
on our other senses.
I call smell.
Okay, really jumped
on that one.
I wasn't gonna
fight you for smell.
I figured we'd just
listen for sounds.
Pfft, good luck
with that.
(SNIFFS) Hmm.
(SNIFFS) Yeah.
(SNIFFS) Mmm-hmm.
Okay. How's it going over
there? You hearing anything?
Yeah, I'm hearing you
and your creepy sniffs.
Really? Well,
I'm smelling a lot of jealousy
coming from your direction.
(CLANGING)
Sound to the left.
Smell to the left.
(CRASHING)
PERALTA: NYPD,
hands up!
(SNIFFS) Oh, yeah,
we got him.
Charles.
Aw, this ice cream
is melting.
Who cares? We can
drink melted ice cream.
We can't eat
spoiled ham.
We have
to prioritize!
What if we
combine them?
Wrap the ice cream in
the ham like a taquito.
This man. This man
is my best friend.
You two are the worst people
to have around in an emergency.
I literally can't imagine a
scenario where you'd be helpful.
Murder at a Cinnabon.
Who would you call?
Someone who wouldn't
be distracted by the frosting.
Yeah, I do love
that frosting.
Hey Diaz,
heard you guys needed help
from some real heroes.
DIAZ: Please.
Firefighters are
basically just EMTs
who all live together
and sleep in bunk beds.
Correction. It's a professional,
multi-tiered,
shared sleeping set-up.
You're describing
bunk beds.
Just get the people
out of the elevator.
We should have
all ambulances on call.
I want an open line
of communication with DOT,
and I want someone
from the DA down here
so we don't get
cases thrown out.
I need a pair of sweatpants,
and check again
on that status
update from ESU.
All right,
go, go, go!
What do you need
the sweatpants for?
My water just broke,
which reminds me,
we should be prepared to
distribute emergency water and food.
Your water just broke?
You need to go to
a hospital right now.
I don't want a birth happening
around me. It's way too gross.
I'm nowhere
near giving birth.
I haven't even lost
my mucus plug.
Amy, you need to get
the (BLEEP) out of here.
I'm sorry my baby
grosses you out, Rosa.
I'm excited to meet
your baby when it's clean
and wearing clothes,
and not blasting out of you
like some half-Cuban
Jimmy Neutron.
I'm just at the start
of my labor.
I haven't even had my
first contrac (MOANING)
tion.
Was that a contraction?
No.
That was just
a crazy yawn.
(SIGHS) Fine, look
I don't have to go
to the hospital
until my contractions
are three minutes apart
and last
for at least 45 seconds.
Yeah, but don't you need to
go home and pack some stuff?
(SIGHS) I'll be fine.
Scully, you have a hospital
go-bag at your desk, right?
Yep, what do you need? One-day,
three-day, coma kit?
I rest my case.
DIAZ: Peralta, you there?
Yeah, what's up?
You gotta get back here
right now. Amy's water broke.
What?
What?
When?
When?
Did she lose her mucus plug?
Did she lose her mucus plug?
I can't believe you're
making me say this,
but she thinks she lost
her mucus plug yesterday,
but mistook it
for normal discharge.
How thick was it?
Was it clear or milky?
Was it bloody?
Was it "the bloody show"?
Jake, I think
it's very cool
that you've learned this,
very progressive.
Charles, I think you know
you crossed a line.
Just get back here, now!
Copy.
This is it.
My purpose is clear.
I was put on this Earth
to get you back in time
to see your baby's birth.
I mean, you're a grown man
with your own hopes and dreams.
My purpose is clear.
Okay.
WOMAN: Excuse me,
my apartment is
on the seventh floor,
and the elevator
isn't working.
I'm getting cold.
Well, we're headed
back to our precinct.
There's emergency power
if you want to wait there
for the lights
to come back on.
BOYLE:
I'll get in back.
I'm Dorothy,
but my friends call me Dotty.
Although these days,
there are fewer and fewer of them.
Charles? Uh,
this is great, Dotty,
but we're kind
of in a hurry.
My wife just went into
labor and I want to get there
in time for the birth.
Why? The only man in the
room should be the doctor.
Okay.
All the dad needs to do
is to make the money
and have a nice, thick belt
for when it's time to teach
him a lesson.
My dad hit me
with a belt.
Soon as I got
big enough,
I shot him.
Wow, what a fun
group for this,
the most important
day of my life.
(CARS HONKING)
Don't worry,
fire department's on the job.
Hear that, Jeffords?
We're gonna die in here.
We're marked for death!
Okay, calm down,
I have an idea.
When my parents would fight
and my dad got scary,
I would take
my little brother upstairs
and to distract him,
I'd teach him dance moves.
What kind of dance moves?
Mostly '80s hip-hop.
He loved Salt-N-Pepa.
No, I won't be doing that.
(ELEVATOR RUMBLES)
(GASPS)
Salt and pepper, you say?
Ugh, we haven't moved.
Why is there so much traffic?
Stupid Uber. New York used
to be a paradise of open road.
Try the siren again.
(SIREN BLARES)
In my day,
people respected police.
They respect us,
they just have nowhere to go.
God knows they won't go
back to their own country.
Dotty, I really wish you
weren't such a big part
of my son's birth story.
BOYLE: We should walk.
It's only 27 blocks,
it's gotta be faster than this.
I mean,
it's a little bit faster.
Is it? Hey, Dotty,
just weighing our options here.
Have you ever been
worn like a backpack?
Okay, look,
you take the perp back to the precinct.
I'll stay here with
her. Are you sure?
Just remember
to tell your son
what Chee-Chee
did here tonight.
How you feeling
about Chee-Chee
having said it
out loud a few times?
I am loving it!
WOMAN: Help, I need help!
Jake,
we don't have time. We'll call it in.
Let someone else
handle it.
PERALTA: No,
we can't ignore a cry for help.
We can handcuff
him to the railing.
Dotty, call out
if you need anything.
I'd feel safer
if you just shot him.
PERALTA: Dotty, no.
We're not gonna
shoot him!
Hey, what's the update
from OEM
about the power
coming back on?
Yeah, they're working on it. So,
listen,
I've been timing
your contractions.
What? How?
I've been hiding
them so well.
No, you have not.
There's too much
radio chatter.
Let's try to keep
non-emergency communications
down to a
(GROANING)
minimum.
They're happening
every five minutes
and they're lasting 20
seconds. Your baby's coming.
It's still not
active labor.
Don't worry! I'm not
gonna have the baby
here and get placenta
all over your desk
or whatever it is
that you're afraid of.
Wait, is placenta something that can
get all over? Actually, technically
You know what,
don't answer that. I don't wanna know.
I promise I will go to
the hospital as soon as
(SUPPRESSED GROANING)
Amy, just make the noise.
You're not fooling anybody.
(YELLS)
(GROANS)
NYPD, you called
for help?
Yes, my neighbor
fell down the stairs.
I think he hit
his head real bad.
Ah. It's a concussion,
for sure.
All right,
we'll bring him with us to the precinct.
Someone can
help him there.
That'll slow us down.
Yeah, but we should
still make it as long as
nothing else goes wrong.
(GUNSHOTS)
(MAN SCREAMING)
Oh, fun.
Loud gunshots.
What happened?
She shot me!
She shot me in the leg.
You made a sudden motion.
I sneezed!
Okay, Dotty,
what do you have a gun for?
To protect myself.
(SCOFFS)
Cops are all
wimps now.
(IMITATING PERALTA)
My wife is having a baby
and I have to be there
to brush her hair.
I wasn't gonna
brush her hair.
You weren't?
All right, look,
Dotty, you're under arrest.
Jake, we gotta go.
I can't walk on this leg.
PERALTA: Great,
then we're stuck here.
We're never gonna make
it back to the precinct.
Yeah we are.
I have an idea.
BOYLE: Pedal Pub coming
through! I'm on my way, Amy!
Thanks for letting us hijack
your bachelorette party.
Oh, it's what
we do.
We're, like,
so random.
Yeah, in Red Bank,
where we're from,
everyone's like, "Uh-oh,
here comes trouble."
Wait, we have to stop.
No, no, no. No stopping.
Why are we stopping?
I lost both
my shoes back there.
I gotta go
find them. (GASPS)
Update.
I still have
one shoe on,
but I think
I broke my ankle.
But I'm gonna still try
to find the other one.
Guys, this is taking
way too long.
When she gets back,
we have to pedal faster.
Sorry,
I have a gunshot wound in my leg.
It didn't even hit bone,
you sissy.
Oh, if you're in pain,
here have some of this.
It's bubblegum
flavored gin.
I can't. I'm two years sober.
PERALTA: What? No
you're not. You got drunk
and crashed into
the power plant.
Yeah, that was a relapse.
I fell off the wagon.
Okay, so you're clearly
lying, which means
you planted
the bottle of vodka.
Which means the crash
wasn't an accident.
And you caused the blackout on purpose,
why?
RUSS: I don't know
what you're talking about.
I just drank
too much and that was
(SCREAMS) She's
fingering my wound!
Tell us what
you're up to.
The banks! We're hitting
all the banks on Union.
Dotty, stop.
RUSS: Please let go.
Dotty, that's
against the law.
I am the law.
What made you like this?
All right, Charles.
We gotta stop them.
We can't. That's in
the wrong direction.
That's away from Amy.
But it's near the hospital.
We can pedal down there,
stop the robberies,
and then I'll meet her
at First Presbyterian.
That's perfect.
Okay,
so I didn't find my other shoe,
but I did meet Luis.
He told me
he's Aquaman.
Bit of a stretch,
but welcome to the team, Luis!
Let's do it!
Okay, your contractions
are three minutes apart.
It's officially time to go
to the hospital.
Not yet.
Do you know how thin
your cervix is right now?
Yeah, I'm worried,
so I started reading the book
I found on Jake's desk.
I do not want
to be around
when page 53 happens!
Hank wants to know
if we can cut emergency
power to
the third floor.
(SIGHS) Let me
talk to him.
Hey! If you page
53 in front me,
our relationship
will never be the same.
Make sure you don't
look at page 214.
What? Why?
Mosey forward,
name in lights, butt pop.
Comb your hair.
Now typing motion,
pull it back.
Jump forward,
pelvic pump.
You got it!
Now, all we need to do
is run it all together
and do it at full speed.
I must say, Jeffords,
this dancing
is quite distracting.
I've completely forgotten
that we're trapped here
in this death box
inspected by Bozo Beverly
between clown shows.
You know what, sir?
I don't think
you are thrusting
your butt enough
before the name
in lights.
Yes, yes. I felt that.
God, I love that note.
(EXHALES)
Back to the top.
I'll count us in.
Five, six, seven, eight.
NYPD, hands
in the air!
You're under arrest.
We'll read you your rights
on the Pedal Pub.
Charles?
Come on, put on the zip-ties. Move,
move, move!
Hey, what's taking
so long?
Look, I can do it safely
or I can do it quickly.
Do it quickly.
Oh, I can't do it quickly.
You called my bluff.
(SIGHS)
(GASPS) Oh,
the lights are on.
(SINGING) Spank that
bottom Spank that bo
(ELEVATOR WHIRRING)
We will never
speak of this again.
Status update. I called
in every officer I could.
I green-lit double
shifts and overtime.
We're coordinating with
the 9-6 on traffic control.
We haven't
processed anyone,
so there's a backlog of
perps on the third floor,
and I have to go to the hospital
because my water broke.
You're having a baby?
Amy, this is so wond
(SCREAMS)
We can just catch up
after the baby comes.
(EXHALING)
PERALTA: Wait, wait, wait,
stop! The power's back.
Oh, yuck, none of you are
cute with the lights fully on.
You wanna play
mean girl, Kayla?
Two can play
at that game.
Let's talk about
your bangs.
Charles, not now,
I'm calling Amy.
SANTIAGO: Jake?
Hey, Ames,
look, I'm so sorry
we're not there yet,
but a guy
fell down the stairs,
and then the old lady
shot our perp
and then we stopped
a bank robbery
And I lost my shoe.
And Kayla lost her shoe,
but we're almost
to the hospital.
Are you there yet?
What room are you in?
The break room.
What? Why?
There isn't enough time. I
have to have the baby here.
But me and my crazy crew
make it to the hospital.
That's our birth story!
Screw your birth story,
just get here!
You're giving birth
at the precinct?
Is that safe?
It's gonna be okay.
There's a bunch
of firefighters here.
Right, and they're
basically just glorified EMTs
that live together
and sleep in bunk beds.
(GROANS) Jake,
she's gonna be okay.
I just don't think
she can talk right now.
Okay, just tell her
that I love her
and that I'll get there
as fast as I can.
Hey, Amy, can we have a second?
No, I'm kind of in the
middle of something, you
(LONG BLEEP)
Oh yeah?
Well, (BLEEP) yourself!
All right, all right.
SCULLY: Just come.
We have something
to show you.
(GROANS)
(GASPS)
You made me
a birthing suite?
We've been napping
at work for 20 years.
We know how to create a
relaxing space in a police station.
Gurney.
Fire blankets.
Night stick
for back massage.
Soothing lighting.
AKA Scully's fart candles.
I'm sorry I said you were
worthless in an emergency.
You two really
came through.
It's just nice
to have a win
after what we went
through today.
So many deviled eggs were lost,
and for what?
Hey, hey,
you can't focus on that.
There were hundreds of
meatballs that were eaten
because of you!
I could've eaten more.
Just one more!
Guys?
Not now, Amy.
(MOANS)
How am I going to get
back to the precinct?
This thing is way
too slow.
Not if we all band together
and pedal like hell.
That's not gonna
happen, Charles.
Dotty's asleep,
Kayla's flirting with Luis,
and Briana's peeing
in a trash can.
That's illegal, Briana.
Oh, you know
you love it.
I'm gonna miss
the birth of my son.
No, you're not.
Look, I didn't want
to have to do this,
but there is someone
I can call.
Who?
Hello, Peanut Butter.
I know we don't
see eye-to-eye.
But we gotta put that behind
us because my friend here
Charles, the horse was a
great idea but we don't have time
for you to have a
heart-to-heart with it.
Sorry, I'm just very
emotional, Jake.
Take care of my friend,
you four-legged bastard!
(GRUNTS)
You know,
now that I'm up here,
I realize I don't know
how to ride a horse.
It's probably pretty
self-explanatory, right?
OFFICER: Hyah!
Oh, no!
Move! Everyone move,
I don't know how to ride a horse!
(YELLING)
FIREMAN CURT: Okay,
Amy. I know you're in a lot of pain,
but we don't have
any meds here.
You just gotta try
not to focus on it.
Can you distract her?
I got this.
Hey, Amy, they come out
with any new binders recently?
I don't want to talk
about binders, Rosa.
All right, that was my big
gun. She's just gonna feel this.
(DOOR OPENS)
Not necessarily.
I was just checking to see if there
was anything we could do to help.
And I hate to say it,
but I think there is.
Oh, you think he's gonna
get me drugs from evidence?
Uh, no.
Something way
weirder is happening.
HOLT: Hit it, Jeffords.
(PUSH IT BY SALT-N-PEPA
PLAYING)
Ah, push it
Ah, push it
Get up on this
Ah, push it
I am definitely
distracted.
Oh, baby
Salt and Pepa's here
(PERALTA SCREAMING)
Oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God.
I can see the head.
Rosa, get over here.
I'm gonna need
a second set of hands.
No, no, no, she really doesn't
wanna be down at that end.
No, it's okay.
I got this.
I can close
my eyes, right?
Keep them open.
Oh, damn it.
Just keep pushing,
you're almost there.
Oh, but Jake's
not here yet.
Yes, I am! I'm here.
Oh,
Jake. I can't believe I made it.
I'm gonna see
the birth of my
(GASPING) We're
on page 53!
Babe, we're on page 53. I know!
I rode a horse.
(YELLING)
(BABY CRYING)
Well, we did
it, Ames.
We made the
world's hottest baby.
Say cute, Jake.
Nope. This kid
is liquid fire.
(CHUCKLES)
Crazy to think that
in just 17 short years
he's gonna be 6'7"
and the number one
draft pick for the Knicks.
Mmm, and that he's gonna
pass up that opportunity
to pursue
his true passion,
library sciences.
Well the important
thing is,
we'll support him no
matter what. Hmm.
Even if he's a huge,
huge, nerd.
Especially then.
(SIGHS) Are we gonna
be okay at this?
I mean, this entire day felt
like a warning from the universe.
I almost missed the birth,
we had our baby at the precinct,
a firefighter
touched our child.
You washed him off.
Yeah, but I'll always know.
Babe, we talked
about this.
Everyone balances
work and kids.
Yeah, but everyone's
not a cop.
True, but
When our son wants to hear
about the day he was born,
we get to tell him
that his dad
helped a bunch
of people
and foiled
a bank robbery.
Guess that is kind
of cool. (CHUCKLES)
And his mom managed
a city-wide emergency
while actually
giving birth.
(SIGHS)
I'm proud for our son
to have you as a dad.
Me too.
For you to be the mom.
I wasn't just agreeing with the
nice thing you said about me.
I love you.
Love you too.
Oh, my God,
he's beautiful.
Oh, Jake,
he's got your face.
Charles, meet Mac.
Short for McClane.
As in Shirley?
I love it.
No, as in John,
from Die Hard.
I mean, they're both
incredibly cool.
Only one Oscar winner.
Thanks for getting
Jake there in time.
Oh, don't thank me.
The real hero is
Lieutenant Peanut Butter.
PERALTA: No,
it was all you, Charles.
Or should I say
Uncle Charles.
Chee-Chee.
Don't ruin this
moment for yourself.
Uncle Charles it is.
How's he doing?
SANTIAGO: He's perfect.
I see you changed.
DIAZ: Oh, yeah.
That other outfit had
a lot of afterbirth on it.
Also during-birth
and pre-birth.
The point is
I burned it.
Thanks for staying
by my side.
I know it wasn't
easy for you.
It was worth it.
I'm Auntie Ro-Ro.
She gets to be Ro-Ro?
Incredible.
I've thrown seven
years away for this.
Captain,
Lieutenant,
the dance was great,
and it really helped,
thank you.
Dance? What dance?
HOLT: She doesn't know
what she's talking about.
Mommy brain much?
Captain Holt and I did
a hip-hop dance routine.
Oh.
I see. You know what?
I don't even care
that I missed it,
because right now,
I am holding my son,
and there's nothing
more important
in the world than that.
I have a video,
if you wanna see it.
Amy, hold this baby.
Rosa, give me that phone.
Give me that phone.
Everyone, wash your hands.