Black-ish (2014) s07e14 Episode Script

1
DRE: At the peak of success,
no one ever believes
their time at the top is going to end.
At the height of their power,
the Egyptians never imagined
that the pyramids would
turn into a tourist trap.
But the fact is,
everyone and everything
only get their 15 minutes.
Hey, there, baby girl.
What you working on?
I'm doing an assignment
about a dead culture
that I picked for class.
Oh, okay. Which one is that?
Hip hop.
Hip hop is dead?
As a horse at the Santa Anita racetrack.
- Hey.
- DRE: Hey.
Bow, will you tell your daughter
that hip hop is not dead?
What?!
MC Lyte, Queen Latifah, and Bahamadia
have a concert this Sunday
at the Pasadena Playhouse.
- So hip hop is fine.
- Bam.
Sorry, Dad, but when
the best rapper alive
is a dead guy, you've got problems.
Okay, first off,
the best rapper alive is Rakim.
- Hey!
- All right?
And he's still with us.
I think.
Look, I know why you think
the way you do
after seeing Migos ride those big wheels
in that soda commercial,
but hip hop is more than just music.
It's a statement of rebellion.
It's inventive and creative.
Banksy is hip hop.
The stepback three is hip hop.
I'm hip hop.
That's why I can wear
this gold chain to work.
Well, you told them it was
your emotional support chain.
How hip hop is that?
Well, you should be thanking hip hop
for this house, for your
private school education,
and for the clothes on your back,
because if it weren't for hip hop,
I wouldn't have been able
to break through in advertising.
So you should find another
dead culture to talk about.
Like the Mesopotamians
or Black baseball fans.
[Scoffs]
Hip hop dead? Please.
I brought hip hop swagger
to Stevens & Lido,
and that made me the king.
Uh-oh!
Someone broke out Sally, huh?
Look at that.
24 karat solid gold Cuban link.
- Wow!
- Ooh!
Well, we've got a pitch today,
so I had to bring in the Dre
that always closes the deal.
Ah. Very well done, Dre.
That's why I'm wearing
my lucky pitch underwear,
which is no underwear at all.
- Hm.
- STEVENS: Look, Dre.
I love it when you get
dressed like this,
'cause this swagger wins us accounts.
Your authentic realness
it seals the deal, time and time again.
Before I met you,
I thought restorative justice
was a clothing line.
Every day, you teach me
with your hip hop knowledge.
Everything else I know comes from, uh,
experimenting with it in college.
Always been down, down
If I ever didn't thank you, you
Then just let me do it now
Yeah, my lacrosse team
locked me in my car
with 311's first album on repeat.
Joke's on them because I loved
them rhymes. [Chuckles]
Wait, you think that's hip hop?
Uh, yeah. The real stuff.
Not like that trash they got today.
Oh, I love today's hip hop.
They're always telling you about the
kind of clothes they're wearing,
which makes it real easy
to shop for the look.
And it is a real moneymaker.
Look at this guy 50 Cents, okay?
He dehydrates them in the club,
and then he turns around
and sells them flavored water.
And how did guys like you
learn about 50?
From Dre Johnson.
- No doubt.
- Exactly.
I am the person that keeps you
connected to the youth
so you can always stay on trend.
We're gonna need you to bring
some of that flavor
to today's pitch, Dre.
You know I will.
I always bring my hip hop magic
to our pitches.
That's what makes me
indispensable to this company.
Ah! I, too, am indispensable
to this company.
I'm the only person who can pronounce
the security guard's name.
It's Shaunton'dre.
Shaun-ton.
While I was taking
Stevens & Lido into the future
with hip hop,
Bow was going through her musical past.
Ah!
"Rainbow's breakup mix volume forty."
How many of those did I make?
Hey, Junior, want to come sit down,
hear how Deborah Cox was the soundtrack
to the best summer of my life?
Aw! Sorry, Mom, but I can't.
- Oh.
- I have plans.
But, you know, some other time,
I would love to look through
your record book
and hear some stories.
Any time.
You know where to find me, sweetheart.
Bye, Mom.
- Bye. Be right here.
- [Door opens, closes]
Look at this. This is
- Hey, Mom?
- Mm?
What you got there?
Oh, it's just a book of nostalgia.
It's nothing.
Well, I'm not I'm not doing anything.
If If you want, we can hang out.
- Really?
- Mm.
Yeah, come sit down.
Look at this, huh?
Look at all of this.
These are the most Blu-rays
I've ever seen.
Oh, my God. These are not Blu-rays.
These are CDs.
This is some of the music
that shaped my life.
It turned me into the woman
that I am today.
Wait.
- "Jock Jams"?
- Mm-hmm.
But you're not a jock. You're a doctor.
- [Laughs] Oh, son.
- Mm.
Even I need to pump up
the volume sometimes.
- Hm. Fascinating.
- Right?
Well, I'll get us some water,
and then I'll put these
into the PlayStation
and see what happens.
Okay. Sounds good.
I was ready to once again
put the agency on my back
and carry it across the finish line.
I was about to put some hip hop mustard
all up on this mayo pitch.
Okay, guys.
So, we have a shot of a sandwich.
Then we see a dad.
We go back to the sandwich even tighter.
Then we see the dad's eyes.
He's mesmerized by it.
Finally, he can't resist
but to pick up the sandwich
and take a bite from it.
And this is the song that's playing
- underneath all of it.
- [Button clicks]
[The Notorious B.I.G.'s
"Hypnotize" plays]
Unh, unh, unh
C'mon
DRE: My special set of skills
was getting it done yet again.
I had them eating
out of the palm of my hand.
I was hip hop, and hip hop was me,
and we were both going to live forever.
Poppa been smooth
since days of Underoos
- Never lose, never choose to
- DRE: Wait.
Are these guys laughing?
Talk goes through us
- [Laughter]
- [Music shuts off]
Hey. What's wrong?
No, no. It It's great.
It's, uh
It's an old-school dad kinda vibe.
- Yeah, like like, it ain't fresh
- No.
but that's what you were going for.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- [Laughter]
Yeah, e-exactly.
I mean, wow. Look at you.
You're dressed the same way
I was dressed
at our company's '90s party.
Like, you went in for the pitch, bro.
Y-You must be in a rap group
Run-DM Dre.
[Laughter]
Yeah, you know, actually,
Dre still has a two-way pager.
[Laughter]
I feel like I'm hanging with Mr. Cooper.
Wait, this this his favorite dance.
- Look. Hunh, hunh, hunh!
- Hey!
- Hunh, hunh! Hey!
- What's up?
- Go around! Go!
- Hunh, hunh!
BOTH: Hey! Hey!
- That's you! That's you!
- That's you! That's you!
[Laughter]
Those mayo chumps were clowning me?
I needed to talk to someone else
from hip hop's greatest generation.
Man, that was messed up.
The way they were laughing at me
in there, man.
And then they were talking as if
we weren't relevant anymore.
Charlie, we have the reputations
of being the hip hop guys around here.
- Yeah.
- If we lose that, then
- then we become Black Josh.
- Yeah.
Josh was Black Josh
for Halloween last year.
It did not go well.
And who the hell do they think they are
- throwing shade on Biggie's name?
- Mm-hmm.
You and I both know that
this new stuff ain't it.
Uh, uh, uh, excuse me.
You're not my public defender.
I can speak for myself.
I love today's hip hop.
- Are you serious?
- No, no, no, no.
I'm plugged the whole way in.
Besides, this is how I keep up
with the ladies.
I met a 22-year-old grad student
at a Yung Baby Tate show.
She makes me feel stupid
all the time, and I love it.
Okay, look here, Charlie, it's
just you and me talking, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
- So you can be honest.
This stuff is not as good
as it used to be.
Well you just don't get it,
- and that's what makes you irrelevant.
- What?
You're starting to sound like
my uncle who refused to change.
He died in a nightclub,
screaming at the DJ,
"Play more Heavy D!"
- That's horrible, Charlie.
- Mm.
But that's not me, man. I can adapt.
- Heavy D?
- Yeah.
Weird part was, I was the DJ.
Don't be like my Uncle Marcus, Dre.
[Can hissing]
Oh. Hey, Jack.
Where's Mom?
I got her a caramel macchiato.
Oh, so now you have time for her?
What are you talking about?
You ditched Mom to make mugs
with your girlfriend.
But I lifted her up.
We read each other's horoscopes
and thought of ways that we
could improve in the new year.
You messed up, baby.
Okay. Cut it out, Jack.
Mom needs things
you could never give her.
You don't even know what kind of
milk substitute she uses.
Almond?
Sorry, kid. It's soy.
You see
Mom and I have a special bond
that can't be replaced.
So, you both drink coffee. Big deal.
[Chuckles]
We don't just "drink" coffee.
Our barista, Henry, makes us two drinks
whenever one of us goes
into our Starbucks,
because he knows that's just how we do.
We sip, we laugh, we grow.
Together.
She is mine.
Not yours.
I think she's mine.
- Face it, Jack. You're just her side-son.
- Hm.
If she has a choice
between the two of us,
- we both know who she'll pick.
- Okay.
[Cellphone keyboard clicking]
"I miss you a latte. Back porch chat?"
Mermaid emoji, coffee emoji.
- Send.
- [Cellphone whooshes]
Let's see.
[Cellphone chimes]
- She chose you.
- [Clicks tongue]
Yeah, I think your time
is finished, playboy.
I've gotta go meet Mom.
But why don't you spend
the afternoon in your memories?
[Chuckles lightly]
Wow.
I wasn't going to let myself
be irrelevant,
which meant I needed to get up
on this new stuff
if it was the last thing I did.
YoungBoy Never Broke Again?
That's not a rap name.
That's a sentence.
What are you doing?
Oh. Checking out this new-wave hip hop.
Uh
It's, uh it's great.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
'Cause your nose is bleeding.
What?
All right.
All right, I hate it.
But I've got to know it,
otherwise I can't do my job.
Tell me this.
How are these artists even popular?
Lil Uzi Vert?
Trippie Redd?
Moneybagg Yo?
Bad Bunny?
I can't even understand
a word that brother says.
It's like anybody can be a rapper now.
All you need is a drum machine
and a Supreme T-shirt.
Isn't your generation the one
that came up with
the Humpty Dumpty Dance?
It's the Humpty Dance.
And I'll give you
a million dollars right now
and you'd never be able to come up
with something as great as that.
[Chuckles] I'd do it for $20.
But I'm not the one
who has something to prove.
Okay.
Watch me prove it!
Yeah! Just watch me! I'mma prove it!
A-And just for that,
I'm not taking you with me to go see,
uh
Ski Mask the Slump God!
What kind of name is that?!
Hah! Are you ready for video game night?
You know I am. What do you want to play?
"Fortnite"? "FIFA"?
Ooh, I got "Madden."
Well, it used to be more fun,
but now all the players
just get concussions.
I was thinking that we would play
[Imitating drumroll]
Ooh!
"Sudoku 4K."
The number puzzle?
It's not a numbers puzzle.
No, no, no.
This, my dear Jack, is a brainteaser.
It is a scholastic add-on,
a math refresher!
Why does this need to be in 4K?
All right, my darling, you go first.
- [Electronic music plays]
- Yep.
Uh, w-when does the game start?
What?!
It's already started! Go!
Sweetheart, play the five.
Play the five! [Laughs]
Okay, this is so much fun.
Real fun. Uh
Yes. [Laughs]
Go! Fast.
"Glennon"?
Damn, these White people names
are killing me.
Junior, you have to help me.
[Sighs]
What can I do for you, playboy?
It's Mom. She's going overboard.
We spent the last two hours
playing a Sudoku video game.
The one with Maddow on the cover?
I haven't even played that yet.
I swear, if you took
the Wolf Blitzer avatar,
I am gonna be so pissed.
Now she wants to re-create the
"Lady Marmalade" music video.
Who'd you get?
Christina? Missy?
- P! nk.
- [Scoffs]
You don't have the pipes for that.
Or the calves.
Junior, you have to take Mom back.
[Sighing] Okay, man,
it is not that easy, all right?
You have to let her down gently.
She has a high-pressure job.
Lives could be at stake.
- Mm-hmm.
- And besides, you owe her that much.
Okay, what if hear me out
Okay.
I don't want to?
Fine, I'll do it.
I'll break up with Mom.
Good man.
Man, they grow up so fast.
First relationship with Mom. [Chuckles]
Hip hop may have
knocked me down for a minute,
but I trained and focused,
and I was ready to fight another day.
Okay, this campaign is now
completed and finished.
Dre, all we need now
is a song for the spot.
And, uh, we got to kind of hurry it up
'cause I got a bag of popcorn
in the microwave.
So, who is the hot young artist, huh?
All right, well, you know,
you came to the right guy.
And I think the rapper we should use
Lil Pizza Boy.
Whoa. What?
Are you kidding? Lil Pizza Boy? Come on.
He was canceled for selling baby tigers
out of the back of his SUV, Dre.
Come on. Next. Let's go.
- You got to do better than that.
- Okay.
All right. Well, you know, um
I have a million other rappers
to choose from.
- Good.
- You know, so, let's go with, uh
- Dre, seriously, what do you got?
- Mm.
Uh, how about, uh, we go with, uh
- [The Notorious B.I.G.'s "Hypnotize" playing]
- Come on.
Something new and current
that'll help you keep your job.
Unh, unh, c'mon
Ha, sicker than your average
Poppa twist cabbage off instinct
Niggas don't think shit stink
Pink gators, my Detroit players
- Timbs for my
- [Record scratches]
- [Music stops]
- [Telephone rings in distance]
Dre, who, uh
Who do you got?
You know, we could just, um
Uh, we we we we we
we could always go with "Hypnotize."
I mean, you know,
iit's a classic for a reason.
Are you kidding? I could have
come up with "Hypnotize,"
for God's sakes.
Is that really the best you have?
Okay, look, guys, I just
I just don't have it anymore, all right?
I'm washed.
And I am unwashed.
Today is laundry day.
If you'll excuse me.
- Hey, Dre.
- Hey.
There you are.
Thought maybe we had lost you
to the streets.
Eh, I don't know what happened
back there.
Yeah, it's my job to bring you
what's hot and what's new.
That's my sky hook.
It's what made me unguardable.
And if that's not hitting,
I might as well be writing
articles on jazz
for "The Huffington Post."
Ah, I wouldn't worry about it, Dre.
Everyone has an off day.
Not me. Not with this.
I mean, you hired me
to be your hip hop guy,
so I got to do whatever
I need to do to bring that.
Hold up, y-you think
you're just our hip hop guy?
"Hip hop." "Urban."
Whatever you want to call it, but, yeah.
Dre, you are just our guy.
I mean, yes, initially,
we brought you in
because we wanted someone
with a knowledge of Black culture, yeah.
Eh, well, the job listing did say
the application process is
"no thang but a chicken wing."
Yeah. That, uh
That was a blunder.
But, uh, now, Dre, I gotta say,
you know, I trust your instincts
on all our campaigns.
Before we finalize a pitch,
you're the one I go to.
You are our closer.
So, I'm not just
your Black guy?
Of course not.
Truth is, Dre,
the best decision I ever made
for this company was hiring you.
That's the truth.
All right.
Oh! Hey, listen.
Don't stop knowing
the Black stuff, though,
you know, because, uh
I, uh I can't rely
on Charlie for that.
Yesterday, he insisted
that Al Sharpton invented the Sharpie.
Yeah.
Hm.
Hey, Jack.
Just getting my game tight
so that when we go online later,
we can talk some trash
to the old ladies.
Yeah, actually, I think we need to talk.
Oh. Okay, what's up?
Oh.
Look, hanging out with you
has been a blast,
but, you know,
I think we're just at really
different points in our lives.
What are you talking about?
I don't think I'm built for this.
I mean, I love spending time with you,
but I just can't be
your best friend like Junior is.
Oh.
I can't be your everything.
Mm-kay.
Um, so
[Clears throat]
you think that Junior
is my best friend?
Mm-hmm.
[Laughing]
No.
But you were so sad when Junior
couldn't hang out with you.
Yeah. That's 'cause
I enjoy spending time
with him and he's my son.
It's the same way that I enjoy
spending time with you,
but, Jack, I have real friends, okay?
And they're grown-ups.
And I also have your dad,
and he is technically an adult.
So, thank you so much
for looking out for me,
but mnh-mnh.
Nope. I don't need none of y'all.
Mnh-mnh.
- Great.
- Yeah.
Because I still have no idea
how to play Sudoku.
I was just pressing buttons.
Mm. I know that, honey.
I knew we were in trouble when you said
you wanted to be the thimble.
[Junior chuckles]
Oh. What
- Oh! Ha!
- Hi.
Hey, Mom.
- Didn't know you were home.
- Oh, I'm home.
And it just so happens that
Henry made you your usual.
Oh, my God. He is the best.
- [Gasps]
- JUNIOR: Mm-hmm.
- Did he propose to Mavis?
- [Gasps]
- Do I have a story for you.
- [Gasps]
What do you say? Back porch?
Coffee talk?
I would like that
a latte!
- Right?!
- [Both laugh]
Oh, you just get better and better.
- Oh, thank you. Cheers.
- Cheers.
All right.
So, tell me
Oh!
"A latte."
That was actually pretty good.
Four, four. Yes.
- [Door slams]
- Hey, babe.
Five Yeah?
I had the wildest conversation
with Stevens at work today.
Was he fishing for compliments
'cause he hired a White chauffeur?
- One
- Even wilder.
No.
He told me he valued me.
- Oh.
- That I'm his go-to guy.
Now, this may sound weird
coming from me.
Mm-hmm.
But do I not know how great I am?
Well, let me see.
You enter a room
screaming, "I'm the champ,"
so, no, you don't have that problem.
Babe, I'm serious, all right?
You know, I feel like sometimes
I put a limit on my ambition
by only seeing myself
as a Black ad exec.
Hm.
I was worried about being irrelevant,
but the truth is
I never really saw my value.
Well, that's the trap.
I have been called a great Black doctor
or a great female doctor so many times
that I don't know what it would be like
if I was just a great doctor, period.
That's it right there, babe.
Because I am a great adman, period.
True.
Maybe I need to start
thinking like that.
Maybe I've grown out of being
just a Senior Vice President of Urban.
Maybe I need to start looking
at a bigger pond.
Maybe you do.
I like this for you. Mm-hmm.
A little mid-life evolution, huh?
- [Chuckles]
- You're like
[Gasps] You're like Jay-Z.
What?
- He was just a rapper.
- Mm-hmm.
But now he's an art collector,
he's a real estate developer,
and he makes a champagne
that always gets me [bleep] up.
Well, it is the only champagne
that comes with a screw top.
[Chuckles]
I think we have a bottle of that
somewhere around here.
Oh, we have a whole case.
- Do we?
- In the cabinet.
- In the cabinet?
- To the left.
- Whoo! Hey!
- [Chuckles]
- Is it too early for champagne?
- Nope.
Bow was right.
I wasn't irrelevant.
I was evolving, just like hip hop.
Oh, hey, Dad. Good news, man.
You're not gonna have to pay me
a million dollars.
I can't come up with a song
better than "The Humpty Dance."
There's a reason it's a classic.
All right, Humpty and Shock G
were the same person.
My Uncle Melvin tried to tell us,
but we just thought it was the dementia.
You and I both need to give
this new stuff another try.
I mean, just because
I don't know what it is
doesn't mean it's not good.
- Maybe.
- All right. Hey, hey.
- Listen to it with me.
- Pop that, drop a bag on me
Said pop that, drop a bag on me
Hey!
Oh, this is hot!
- Dad?
- Huh?
Your nose.
What?
Hard on the
Now go hard on the hard on the
- [Groans]
- [Music stops]
I'm starting to think these nosebleeds
aren't related to the music.
Babe!
It's happening again!