The Neighborhood (2018) s07e20 Episode Script

1
(BOTH GRUNT)
There you go.
I can't believe you're already moving.
Yeah, I know, man.
I was only looking for a few weeks.
I saw the broker literally
putting the sign out.
I double-parked and
damn near tackled him.
(CHUCKLES): Yeah.
Hey, you okay?
Yeah, man, it's
it's just dawning on me that
we've lived together
almost our whole lives.
Just feels different, you know?
Tonight, you'll be gone.
And I'll be watching Jeopardy
all alone.
Except you don't have a TV.
You took the TV?! I bought that.
Because you broke mine.
Daphne hit it with a sippy cup.
That means you broke it.
(INDISTINCT ARGUING)
No. Pop? Pop? Pop?
Tell Marty that's my TV now.
Why y'all arguing over it?
It's just stuff.
Man, stop being petty.
Man, see what you did?
Why is my chair in here?
Uh, Pop, you gave it to me.
No, as landlord,
I gave it to the house.
For paying tenants of the house.
Which, as of now, you are no longer.
Oh!
My baby's leaving.
Who knows when I'll see you again?
Tina, the boy is moving
to Venice Beach.
Which I do not get.
'Cause we are not beach people.
Who wants a baby?
- Oh, I do, I do!
- Me, me, me!
- Hi, Daphne.
- Hi.
- I'll take her off your hands.
- Okay.
So you'll take her to daycare?
Uh, yes, and
I'll meet you
at the Westside Fuse Box?
Okay.
Is that my coffee maker?
I wouldn't be surprised.
I saw him packing your bathrobe
and your Waterpik.
Well, it is not my fault
our house is full of her stuff.
Oh, you know, I've been thinking, uh,
given that my place is gonna
have a lot more room now,
uh, we could simplify things
by perhaps collaborating on
Uh, things are simple enough.
Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying our
beneficial friendship.
You know? (LAUGHS)
But, uh, do we really want
No! No, no.
We-we don't, I don't.
I don't, I thought you did.
So, you know, whatever.
Nonstarter, right?
- Yeah.
- Like
We brought you a housewarming gift.
Oh, look at that, it's beautiful.
And-and it is so large.
I wanted to get you an air fryer.
Nah.
This is so much better. Now.
It's delicate, so it needs
bright but indirect
south-easterly sunlight.
Also a daily misting.
And don't be embarrassed
to sing to it.
Calvin, a little R&B?
Now when the leaves
turn brown, you (GASPS)
Load 'em up, move 'em out!
Let's go!
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Yeah, isn't this place amazing, Pop?
It's pre-war.
Did we lose?
Well, check out this view.
Look at that.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a nice view.
- Yeah.
But these floors are gonna
need to be patched.
That's $2,500.
Well, that's okay, because I got
a great deal on this place.
You know, and-and this,
uh, drop ceiling here?
It's got water damage.
That's $500, if you're lucky.
Okay, okay.
Look, fine, there are
a few issues, right?
But, trust me,
you're gonna love it tonight,
when we all get together on my patio
for my "beachecue."
- "Beachecue"?
- Yeah.
That's not a thing.
Oh, but a "yardecue" is?
My yardecue is a 30-year tradition
that Shaq came to.
That man was lost.
He came.
He had a rib.
(SCOFFS)
Okay, fine, whatever,
but new traditions
have to start sometime, right?
Come on, and I love Venice.
Look, man, it's vibrant.
There's art everywhere.
And you can smell
the creativity in the air.
Yeah. (SNIFFS)
I don't know about the creativity,
but I do smell the weed.
Oh, no.
- (KNOCKING ON WINDOW)
- N-No!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Did-did you just buy this house?
- Yes, I did.
No! No!
Hey, are-are you all right?
No, I'm not all right!
I wanted this house!
I've been waiting
for the owner to die.
What? Now it finally happens
when I'm scuba diving in the
Maldives and some random person
swoops in off the streets and buys it?
Um, okay, are-are-are you my neighbor?
Yes. Bruce Hargaden. Why?
Why am I asking if you're my neighbor?
I'm sorry, uh, am I speaking Chinese?
Whoa, hold on, buddy
It's a serious question.
Sometimes when I get agitated, I
slip into Mandarin
and I don't even realize it.
Okay.
I'm coming off rude, aren't I?
Uh, well
Let me explain myself,
so you don't hate me.
Unfortunately,
I'm gonna need to knock
this place down so I can
build a screening room
and a gym, so (CHUCKLES)
I'm afraid you're gonna have
to sell it to me.
Oh. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHING)
No, I'm not.
But I want it.
But I own it.
Why don't you join a gym,
or, I don't know,
go to the movie theater?
Other people would be there.
And, I would where would I pee?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, wow!
This view?
Malcolm, I love this place. (STAMMERS)
Don't get attached
because I'm buying it.
Oh, hold up. Yeah?
Are you Bruce Hargaden?
- Yes.
- (LAUGHING)
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh!
Oh, Malcolm, this guy's
a cybersecurity legend.
He created the graphic
randomizer that powers captchas.
Oh, those things on websites
to prove you're human?
Yep.
(CHUCKLES) I hate those.
Big surprise, everybody does.
I'm so sorry you have to click
on three bicycles so you don't
get infected by Russian spyware.
My bad!
Ooh, that's a space!
No, I think it's too small.
Is it?
- Uh
- Yeah.
I just want to see my baby's new home.
Hurry up, Dave.
(STAMMERS) How can I do this faster?
Explain it to me, Tina, please.
- I would love to know.
- (CAR HORN HONKING)
Well
I got into your crawlspace,
and, uh
well, your foundation is fine.
Finally, that is good news.
(SCOFFS)
What's the bad news, Pop?
Well, the salt air has corroded
your dryer vents.
That's gonna be 375.
I know you think I don't know
what I've gotten myself into,
but I did my homework, and I'm good.
Okay.
(SHOUTS)
Please don't, Pop.
$72.
Oh, hey.
Want to help keep Venice weird?
Uh, maybe. Is weird good?
Yeah, weird is great.
My name's Bellamy,
I'm right next door.
Oh, Marty. My brother just moved in.
Oh, cool. Well, it's great here.
I mean, I've lived
in Venice my whole life.
Well, I did miss
my ride home from Coachella
one year, so I just stayed.
But, eh.
Anyway, we're just trying
to keep the spirit
of Venice alive and stop
rich jerks from building
monstrosities like that one.
Oh, I actually think that house is
awful! It's a blight on the beach.
- See? You get it.
- Yeah.
Uh, this is a weed pen.
Oh, my God,
I've been looking for that.
- Ooh, space!
- What?
"No parking Monday to Friday
8:00 to 6:00,
"except holidays, two hour
parking Tuesday-Thursday
"10:00 to 4:00, permit parking
only after 1:00 p.m.,
tow away zone weekdays"?
Feels like that sign is a trap.
I'm too scared. I'm gonna drive
around the block again.
Bellamy?
Hi, can you and your, uh,
friend come over here?
I'm having a little bit
of an emergency.
Well, Marty, this is Matisse.
Hello, Marty. Can you please hurry?
Your little party guest
is passed out on the couch.
And he's naked.
This is an emergency?
The couch is Italian suede,
and he's got his junk all over it.
Look, and I obviously
can't have a naked dude on it
when the rep from Campari
gets here, please.
Okay, look, I-I am a pretty smart guy,
but I am very confused.
Oh, you don't know who Matisse is?
You don't have Instagram?
Of course I have Instagram.
You got a lame algorithm.
I have a healthy and
diverse algorithm.
Please, please,
just excuse my friend here.
I just really need
that guy out of our house and
you're so big and strong.
(CHUCKLES)
I do cut an imposing figure.
You know I be Oh, wait, no!
He looks way stronger.
I moved a chair just like that one!
Uh, Marty, what the hell
are you doing over there?
Uh, where is the bathroom?
I'm pretty sure
it's not on the porch, man.
Why is he naked?
I am.
No wonder I'm chilly.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, you look chilly.
Where's my cardigan?
Your cardigan?!
How about you find some drawers?
Get dressed and kick rocks!
Thanks, neighbor.
I do what I can, you know.
(MUTTERING)
Better get used
to the public nudity, fellas.
(CHUCKLES) It's nearly constant.
Oh, hey, Bruce.
Thanks so much for calling the cops
on our party last night.
To be clear, I actually
didn't call the police.
(CHUCKLES) I called the FAA.
Because that one invaded
my airspace with her drone.
Oh, my God, Bruce!
You are not a country.
You don't have airspace.
So, have you guys met your neighbor,
"Narc" Zuckerberg?
Yep, he wants to tear my house down.
Oh, see, that is why
we need this petition.
This is one of the last classic
bungalows left on this beach.
And these tech bros just keep
turning them into big metal boxes
to make up for their tiny To make
up for our tiny penises, oh, yeah!
Yeah, how original, Bellamy.
Not the first time I've heard
I have a tiny penis.
(CHUCKLES)
You might want to work
on your comebacks.
All right, let's see what we got.
Fire in the hole!
All right, well,
something around here works.
Ha ha!
It's a bit of a fixer-upper, huh?
Yeah, you can say that again.
It's a bit of a fixer-upper, huh?
Uh, I-I-I'm Bruce.
Yeah, Calvin.
Yeah, my son just bought this place.
Bit of a money pit.
Ooh, yeah. (LAUGHS)
Hey, uh,
just thinking out loud here, but, um,
what if I told you
you could turn that money pit
into a money pot?
I'm listening.
So, uh
I'd be happy to take
that house off your hands.
Okay, so, uh, what are we talking?
Ten percent over what he paid.
Okay, so we're not talking at all.
Had you said 20 and no inspection,
I would've been downright chatty.
Deal!
Okay.
(STAMMERS) Fist bump, then?
I got great news.
I just sold your house.
You did what?
Yeah, there's a guy next door
crazy, cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs
but loaded.
Uh, yeah, yeah, Bruce, I met him.
I told him I wasn't selling,
Pop, which I am not.
But, Malcolm,
I just solved all your problems, man.
I don't need you to solve my problems.
What part of "I'm not selling"
do you not understand?
The "I'm not selling" part.
♪
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
Please leave.
Malcolm, ah!
I've never been to a beachecue.
Congratulations!
I love this new place.
Funky Venice vibes.
Hey, listen, I am actually glad
that you are here. Um
Starting to realize I might have
a little cash-flow problem.
So about my book?
I know it might be hard to say, but
when can I start expecting
royalty checks?
Oh, that's not hard to say.
Okay. Two, three years.
Years?
Oh, damn, no, I need money
sooner than that.
Well, have no fear.
I have fantastic news
for my favorite client.
Mercedes Selznick,
of the Real Housewives?
She has a great idea for a YA novel
and needs someone
to ghostwrite it for her.
Well, that sounds
terrible.
Yeah, she's an absolute nightmare.
Even for a Housewife.
But
her kids book is
on the Amazon preschool top ten.
Nanny Bathes You, Mommy Loves You.
Yeah, Lisa, I don't think
I'm cut out for that.
Oh, I see. I didn't realize
we were still in the integrity phase.
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, oh, there! Okay, okay, okay!
Okay, all right. All right, all right.
Thank you, all right, thank you, okay.
Move, Dave, get
(GROANS) Thank you.
Where were you guys?
I thought you weren't
gonna make it to the beachecue.
Well, after spending an hour
looking for a parking spot,
we finally found
a valet that only charges
$12 every 15 minutes.
Yeah.
But we were still
a mile and a half away,
so this man gave us a ride.
Yeah, uh, Tina,
will you Venmo him $30, please?
I don't have Venmo, Dave.
Tina, I've had just about
enough of you today!
Malcolm.
This place? You scored.
Yeah, it's really a beautiful,
beautiful place, Malcolm.
But, uh, boy, parking is
(CHUCKLES) no picnic.
Oh?
I found a spot right out front.
Of course you did.
Congratulations!
Uh, hey, everybody.
Thank you guys so much for coming,
but, uh, there's something
I need to tell everybody.
Oh, before you do!
A toast.
To my firstborn, my baby Malcolm.
You know, seeing you here
in your, your new place, it's just
Uh, Ma, Ma, I'm sorry,
please, let me
I've decided
I'm gonna sell this place.
Well, all right.
I'm just glad the boy's
coming to his senses, bae.
Malcolm, why would you want to sell?
I bit off more than I can chew.
You know, I got my first
big paycheck, and I guess I
I went crazy.
You know, Pop's been trying
to make me see that, and
I see it now.
Oh, really?
Well, did your father
happen to mention
how he spent his first big paycheck?
No.
What are you talking about, Tina,
my acid-washed Guess jeans?
I didn't know you were
a Guess man, too.
How have we not discussed this?
Tell him what you bought, Calvin.
(SIGHS)
I put all my money down
on a convertible Chrysler LeBaron.
Mm.
And could you afford it?
No.
The payments was high as hell.
And my dad was riding me about it.
Talking about I was being
irresponsible.
Oh, so you kept your LeBaron,
but you're telling me not
to keep my house?
Look, son, it's just much
harder than you think.
Those payments were killing me.
I had to get a second job.
As a fry cook at a Long John Silver.
Cats would follow me everywhere.
Okay, but-but did the car
make you happy?
Yeah, it did.
But I want better for you.
I don't want cats
following you around.
I appreciate that, Pop,
but this house is my LeBaron.
(SCOFFS) This is a fleet of LeBarons.
Yeah, it is, and you know what?
This time I'm going to do as you do,
and not as you say.
Lisa, I can't believe
I'm gonna say this.
Get me a meeting with
that Real Housewife.
Already did. Tuesday at 11:00.
Whoa, whoa, wait a
minute, come, come
Uh, so, uh
which Housewife?
Mercedes Selznick.
- (GASPS) I love her!
- She's evil!
What?
Hate to be the one that's doing
all the counting around here,
but that's 1,500 right there.
Aw. Look at our Malcolm.
- All grown up.
- (LAUGHS)
And has been since the
first Obama administration.
All right, all right.
I've got a case of free tequila
in limited-edition skull bottles.
Ooh!
I think I like your new neighbors.
(CHUCKLES)
- Oh, hey.
- Oh!
My hero. You really saved me today.
You know, I try.
I'm sorry, uh, what's this all about?
Hi! You are?
I'm Courtney.
I'm the mother of your hero's child.
I thought you were single.
(STAMMERS) I am single, technically.
Uh, uh
uh, what-what was the term
you used, Courtney?
A "beneficial friendship"
is what it is.
Well, uh
here's one of the benefits.
(EXHALES)
Damn, bro, I heard
y'all's teeth clink.
- Yeah, you did.
- My man.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, hey. Hey!
Oh, hey.
No, hey, hey, excuse me.
- Bruce, right?
- Yeah, yeah?
Oh, my gosh, you know,
I've just got to tell you,
I love doing the captchas.
- Ah, great.
- Yeah, just-just fun little puzzles.
And not to brag, but, uh,
I always get them first try.
Congratulations, you're not a robot.
(CHUCKLING)
So, uh, I got it.
Cashier's check.
- Oh, for what?
- Oh, oh, for your house.
- I told you I'm buying your house.
- Oh, no, no.
I am staying.
But we had a deal.
- No.
- I-I almost shook your dad's hand!
We-we pounded each other!
- No, whoa, whoa!
- We did.
- You know we did.
- BELLAMY: Okay, okay, okay.
You know what, look, I-I'm so sorry.
You guys are all so lovely,
but Bruce is here.
And we just,
we don't party with narcs.
Oh, yeah, it's not cool.
Well, well, I don't
party, period.
Oh, burn!
- That's a sick burn and you know it is!
- (SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
- You can't give it up.
- Oh, it's
Okay! Okay!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on!
Listen, we are neighbors.
And we are going
to act like neighbors.
That's how it is where I'm from.
That is how it's going to be here.
So everybody please just
grab a burger.
Grab a damn burger, I said!
Wow.
He sounds like his daddy.
Yeah, he sounds rude as hell.
I've never been prouder.
- C-Calvin?
- Yeah.
Is it just me, or is that
Bruce guy kind of a lot?
sync & corrections by awaqeded