The Neighborhood (2018) s08e01 Episode Script

1
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey, babe, I got the cake.
Calvin, I told you to get the big one.
This is the big one.
Any cake bigger than this,
some naked lady would have
to pop out of it.
I just want tonight to be special.
Malcolm hasn't been home in forever.
Well, he has been home.
His home is in Venice Beach now.
Are you really trying
to pick a fight with me
after buying that little-ass cake?
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Oh, oh, oh. That's Malcolm.
That's Malcolm. Mommy's coming!
(GRUNTS) Okay
Hey, I Ugh.
It's just them.
Don't mind Tina. She was just
hoping you guys were Malcolm.
Aw. I can only imagine
how much you miss him.
We are never letting Grover move out.
No way. I am out of here
the moment I turn 40.
- Aw.
- 40?
- (GASPS, SQUEALS)
- Hey!
Daphne. She's getting so big.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
(LAUGHS): Oh, hi.
I'm sorry, Courtney's
running a little bit late.
Her building's
being converted into condos,
so she is apartment hunting.
Apartment hunting?
Doesn't she live with you?
She doesn't live there, per se.
TINA: Oh, that's right.
She just eats, sleeps, bathes
and raises their child there.
That's all.
Mama, I know,
but every time I bring it up,
she changes the subject,
so clearly she's worried
that moving in feels so permanent.
I'm sorry, is, uh,
is Daphne a temporary baby?
You know, Marty,
I was gonna ask you, uh,
that email you sent, uh,
I-I don't get it. Who's this Al guy?
What Al guy?
Well, y-you keep saying,
"Al's gonna handle the payroll,
Al's putting out the schedules."
Who's Al?
Nobody's Al, Daddy, it's "AI"
Well, it-it looks like "Al."
I mean, it wouldn't kill you
to put some dots in there.
And besides, I don't want
to have anything to do
with this AI stuff.
Calvin, you got to embrace AI
Look, it's the future.
Well, the future's dumb.
Sorry, Calvin.
Dave's obsessed with this stuff,
ever since he started training
an AI at work.
Yeah, it does all
of my grunt work for me.
So I can just concentrate
on stuff I really care about.
Oh, like creating images
of me as a mermaid?
I just wanted to see.
(LAUGHS)
Crap, I'm at two percent.
Uh, Mr. Calvin?
What kind of phone charger
do you have?
Charger? (CHUCKLES)
I don't even know
what kind of phone I have.
I hate how much time
he spends on that phone.
Well, at least your son
didn't leave you
and move to the very edge of America.
Well, no,
but he's at a new school now.
I used to be able to keep
an eye on him all day.
Now who knows what he's doing?
Do you know that she tracks him
on her phone all day?
- She does? Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
That's, uh, that's crazy.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Ooh! Move. That's Malcolm.
A-Answer it, baby. I'm all floured up.
Hey, baby! Are you on your way?
MALCOLM (OVER PHONE):
Yeah, hey-hey-hey, Mama.
Uh, listen, about that, um
You know that romance novel
that I'm ghostwriting?
- Ooh, the one for the Real Housewife?
- Uh, yeah.
Hey, Gemma.
Uh uh, listen,
her people just sent me, like,
14 pages' worth of notes.
I'm gonna have to stay here
tonight and work on the book.
Just wanted to let you know
before you went to too much trouble.
Oh, okay, well thank you, Malcolm.
That was very, um, considerate of you.
- I love you.
- Mm.
- Tina, don't
- Oh!
Should we go?
- I-I would if I could.
- Yeah.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
(GARBAGE DISPOSAL GURGLING)
Babe? Babe, what-what are you doing?
Just getting rid of all the leftovers
since there's nobody here to eat them.
Okay, Tina, stop.
I'm here to eat them.
Fine. Knock yourself out.
Babe, you'll see Malcolm soon.
It's not just Malcolm.
Sure, Marty is still next door,
but he and Courtney
are like their own little family.
I feel weird every time
I pop in late at night
to kiss the baby.
You should feel weird about that.
I'm a mother, Calvin.
I've got no one to mother.
Might as well shove me down
the disposal,
push the button and hold it.
Wow, that is dark.
I just miss our baby.
I don't get to make
my own work schedule.
You got a chance to see Malcolm
three times last week.
Well, it's not because I wanted to.
Malcolm's house is falling apart,
and he's roped me into fixing it.
You know, today,
I got to go re-bracket
his damn bookshelves. (LAUGHS)
(IMITATES LAUGH)
Well, I've got nothing.
You have a career that you love,
you have your health
and you have a sexy husband
who loves you.
Beyond that? Nothing.
Come on, Tina. This is an opportunity.
You're a vibrant woman with
your whole life ahead of you.
It's a new chapter. Seize it.
All right, all right. I'm going to.
Just got to figure out
what my next thing is.
Oh, you know what?
I read about this place
that teaches you how to pole dance.
I said "my thing."
It's for exercise.
♪
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
Hey, Marty, I'm putting
you down as a reference
for my new apartment.
- Okay.
- Yeah, it's expensive,
but it comes with parking.
Oh, hey, you know
where else there's parking?
My house.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, thing is, I'm just not ready
to take a big step like that.
Oh-oh, but it-it's not a big step.
In fact, it's no step.
You already spend so much time there
and almost all of your stuff is there.
You're right.
But I can't move in with someone
who's allergic to cats.
You don't have a cat.
Not now, no, but I'm just not ready
to say I will never have a cat.
You don't even like cats.
David, I just wanted to take
this opportunity to commend you
for your work implementing
our new AI program.
I'm very pleased.
Ah. Well, thank you, Gregory.
I-I'm flattered.
AI wrote that for me.
Well, it really captured
your personality.
Thank you.
Just FYI, from this point
forward, I'll be freeballing.
Understood. Look, AI has been great.
It has freed up so much of my time
by doing my grunt work for me
so now I can just focus
on being a big-picture guy.
Y-Yes, I've noticed
you've been using AI
to send the veterans reminders
about their counseling appointments?
It has reduced no-shows by ten percent.
Which is great.
But a few of the veterans
have been, uh,
startled by the avatar.
Kitty the Clown?
Yeah, what is that?
Well, it's a cat clown.
Cat head, clown body.
Yeah, maybe pick one.
Uh, t-these people
have been through war.
Let's be gentle with them.
Understood. I'll go full clown.
Mm. How about full cat?
I think that's a mistake, but okay.
Yes, I got your notes for chapter two,
and they are they're great.
Uh, but, um, you know, just-just
just thinking out loud, uh
Y-You say you want Serafina and Trent
to make love on the beach,
but it's Chicago in December.
(THUMPING)
Uh, no, no, no, I-I'm sorry.
I'm saying it doesn't
it-it, it does
Uh Uh, okay, I'm sorry.
C-Can you hold on
for one second, please?
- Hey, Pop.
- Hey, Malcolm.
Have you seen the refills
for my glue gun?
What? No, I (STAMMERS)
(DRILL WHIRRING)
- Hey, Pop, Pop. Pop
- Well, all right.
Two bookshelves done, six to go.
Okay, look, thank you again,
Pop, but, uh,
look, the old bookshelves were-were
were just fine, okay?
I-I didn't even ask you
to do any of this, man.
What kind of father would I be
if you had to ask?
Speaking of which,
you know, you might want
to raise these ceilings.
And we can do that together.
(CHUCKLES): No, no, no.
No, we can't, because, hey,
I'm on a Zoom call
with Mercedes' assistant
getting some notes, so
I just need some peace and quiet.
- Oh oh, hey. E-Enough said.
- Yeah. Okay.
- I do not want to disturb the artiste, okay?
- (LAUGHS)
All right, so,
I-I'll just finish this up here
and then, uh,
we'll go grab some lunch.
Uh No. No. Hey, Pop,
I can't go to lunch because
Oh. Who are all those people?
Yeah, I-I'm on a Zoom call.
- Okay, I'm sorry, man.
- Okay
- Hello!
- Whoa, okay.
I'm Malcolm's dad, Calvin.
- Just-just
- Look-look, go ahead I got
I'm just gonna tighten up
a couple more screws.
I'll drill quiet.
Uh, no. No, no, Pop,
you can't drill quietly.
(DRILL WHIRRING)
(STAMMERS)
♪
Ugh. My God, woman.
Are you still tracking Grover?
I can't help it.
It's so scary
having a kid in high school.
I'm not his principal anymore.
Grover's whole life, I've been
able to keep an eye on him,
but now the bell rings
at the end of the day
and he's just out in the world.
It's hard to let go.
I know.
I'm in the same boat.
I still can't get used
to Malcolm being
all the way across town.
Yeah, but Malcolm's, like, 36.
So, what's your point, Gemma?
No point. Same boat.
Uh-oh. Grover's on the move.
Ooh, where is he?
He's three blocks from his school.
Some place called Slow Grind?
What the hell is Slow Grind?
Oh, my God, is it a strip club?
It's a coffee shop.
Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Good.
Just gonna text him
to make sure he got a decaf.
MARTY (OVER PHONE):
I mean, you'd think, after
having a baby, we'd be past
this whole "big step" thing. But I
I don't want to push her,
because then she'll feel pushed,
and no one wants to feel pushed,
you know what I mean?
CALVIN: Hola, amigo.
Tiempo for burritos.
Oh, that is awful.
I would recognize
that accent anywhere.
Yeah, h-hey, hey, Pop, Pop, man, look.
I said I can't go to lunch Oh
I know.
That's why I brought lunch to you.
Got us some jerk chicken burritos.
Your own individual tub of guac.
That's because I'm considerate.
Look, Pop, I appreciate
that you are trying to help,
but-but I never asked for shelves
and I never asked for lunch.
- (GROANS)
- Tell me what you need, man.
I need some peace and quiet.
I-I need you to go.
Oh.
- All right. Yeah.
- Wait.
Well, I gue
No, I'll just take my burritos
and my individual guac and, uh
you know, I'll take them to
the guys down at Muscle Beach.
I'm sure they'll appreciate
the protein.
Don't-don't
don't be like that, Daddy.
MARTY: Wow.
Oh, shut the hell up, Marty.
Oh, good. You're home early.
Oh, so, how's my firstborn baby boy?
Well, he's a grown man, Tina.
He's already had a prostate exam.
But
- Well, he's still my baby.
- You know what?
- I finally had to put my foot down.
- Oh.
I-I said, "You're just too needy.
- Mm-hmm.
- "You're gonna have to take some
responsibility for your own life."
- Well, good for you, baby.
- Yeah.
And guess what?
I finally found my thing.
(LAUGHS)
See, I've been thinking,
what was something
that I always wanted to do?
Uh, vacuum under the sofa?
No, Calvin.
Although I did. But no.
You and I are gonna learn
how to salsa dance.
- I bought a course on YouTube.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I thought this was about
you finding your thing.
It is my thing.
And my thing is dancing salsa
with my very sexy husband
who loves me.
(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING)
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
TEACHER (OVER VIDEO):
All right, salsa fans,
get ready for lesson número uno.
Whoa, whoa.
How many lessons are there?
Twenty-five.
We gonna have to move
this couch 25 times?
- Oh, hey, babe.
- Aah!
What are you doing home so early?
Oh, well, thanks to AI,
I got a week's worth
of intake forms done in an hour.
Freed up my whole afternoon.
Oh, did you start dinner?
No.
But I took a picture
of everything in the fridge,
and AI came up
with 14 potential recipes.
- Look at that.
- Okay (SCOFFS)
We have bigger problems.
Have you heard from Grover?
- No.
- Have you checked his location?
Why would I? He's a big kid now
and I trust his judgement.
Based on what?
You're right, what am I saying?
Damn it. He turned his location off.
Yeah, four hours ago.
Last place I have him
is some place called Slow Grind?
- What kind of sleazy
- No, it-it's
it's a coffee shop, Dave.
Okay, well, where has he been?
That's just it.
We don't know where he's been.
He could be at a drug den.
Yeah, or a dope house.
What's the difference?
I don't know.
I've never been to either.
- 'Sup, y'all?
- Aah!
Dear God!
Grover. Thank God.
- Where have you been?
- Upstairs.
Uh, why are your locations off?
What? I don't know Oh,
my phone died when I was
getting coffee after school.
Okay, you know what?
I'm getting you one of those
batteries that snaps
onto the back of your phone.
Oh, sure,
I'll remember to charge that.
- (BABBLES)
- Nom, nom
Hi, Daph-Daph.
Mommy's home.
- (LAUGHS): Hi.
- Ha!
- What?
- Oh, nothing.
It's just, you called
this place "home,"
and yet, you've made it
abundantly clear
this ain't your home.
Well, I'm just
keeping it simple for the baby.
Oh. Okay.
Marty, do you have something to say?
You know what? I do.
I simply don't understand
why you insist
on paying rent for a place
that's basically storage
for your ski boots and
high school yearbooks,
all because you won't admit
we are living together.
Okay.
Yes, it is a little scary for me.
At this point, how could it be scary?
Can we please lose the puppet?
Sorry.
Look, I
I always thought
that I would find my soulmate
by starting with a hypothesis,
collecting data points,
maybe a spreadsheet or two.
But then that whole plan
went out the window.
I got pregnant.
I had a baby.
Then I got feelings.
Courtney, I-I get it.
This was the last thing
I was expecting.
Statistically, the idea that a woman
I accidentally impregnated would be
my soulmate
the odds are
infinitesimally low, But
I like to think of our relationship
like the butterfly effect.
One tiny fluctuation
that changed our whole universe.
The patterns are random,
but there is beauty in entropy.
Yeah. There is.
Mm. But hey, if I'm gonna live here,
these curtains have got to go.
Okay, yeah. Done.
(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING)
Yes. Yes.
Ow. Ah.
- (LAUGHS)
- Ooh!
- Oh, my gosh. Ugh!
- Oh, my goodness.
That was muy caliente, Calvin.
Well, I told you,
these hips don't lie.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- (SIGHS)
- Ooh.
Oh, Tina, I knew we would find
something to fill that void.
(SIGHS) Well, it doesn't
fill the whole void,
but it helps.
- Yeah.
- You know, you were right, Calvin.
I'm not as strong as you.
Oh Oh, come on, now Tina,
don't beat yourself up.
I mean, I'm just
I'm built different. You know?
- That's the thing. You know?
- Yeah.
- Hey, y'all.
- Oh! Ooh, ooh.
- There's my That's my baby.
- Hey, Mama hey, hey, okay.
- Oh, oh!
- Hey, hey, Mama.
- Aw.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, Mama. Good to see you.
- Hey, baby.
I'm sorry, can-can you
give me one minute?
I need to apologize to Pop.
Uh, no, no.
We're good, man Hey. (SCOFFS)
No. No, hey.
We're not good, Pop, I-I just,
I didn't mean to be so rude.
And you weren't, so, you know,
let's let it go.
Well, no, no, listen. I got that place
'cause I needed
peace and quiet for my work,
but it was just rude of me
to kick you out
- the way I did
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.
- Kick you out?
- Yeah.
Well, I thought you were the one
who put your foot down.
Oh, come
Babe, it was so long ago, like,
who knows who said what, you know?
Well, well-well, Pop, I'm-I'm
sorry I hurt your feelings.
Man, I-I saw the pain in your eyes
- when you grabbed that burrito.
- Oh.
Well, I guess we're built
kind of the same, huh?
- Ooh! Malcolm.
- Hey, Gemma.
- I thought I saw your car.
- Hey, man.
- It's good to have you back.
- TINA: Oh!
Well, y'all come in.
We're gonna celebrate.
I'm-a heat up that
leftover fish Damn it, Calvin.
Why'd you let me put so much
down the sink?
- Hey, hey, everybody.
- ALL: Hey!
- Hi, Daphne.
- (CHUCKLING)
- Hey now, sweetie.
- Oh, hey, Dad.
Are you okay?
When Malcolm kicked you out earlier,
I heard the hurt in your voice.
Look-look, I'm-I'm fine.
Go-go on now, with all that
Oh, hey, this is kind of perfect
that you're all here,
because we have some big news.
- Oh.
- Um
I know this is kind of
unexpected, but
I'm moving in with Marty.
- Wow. - That's huge.
- Shockeroo.
- I didn't see that coming. Wow.
- That's wild.
Congrats.
Yeah. Thanks, everyone. Um
- I think we should celebrate.
- We should.
Hey. You know what, Tina?
Let's show them how we do it.
Let's show them how we do it, baby.
- (SALSA MUSIC PLAYING)
- Okay. Oh, wow.
- Ooh.
- Here we go.
(WHOOPS)
Oh, yes!
(WHOOPS)
Does anybody have a phone charger?
- Come on.
- TINA: Your turn.
Your turn. Keep going.
Up, up, up, up. Now, hold my hands.
Now move your hips. Move your hips.
Hey, boss. You wanted to see me?
Have a seat, David. I assume
you know why you're here?
Oh. Uh-oh. You want to tell me
how awesome I'm doing?
So, you don't know why you're here.
David,
your AI model has worked out great.
- I knew it would.
- So great
that the people upstairs have decided
they can effectuate
a workforce realignment.
Oh, no. Uh
Not Chet.
Not Chet.
Thank goodness.
Oh, my good Not Gilbert.
Gilbert's good. I can see
I'm gonna have to go about this
a little more directly.
David, I need you
to clear out your office.
Oh.
Well, which office am I moving into?
Dear God.
Oh, well, Gregory, I really
don't think I should be drinking
in the middle of a workday
Oh, no.
sync & corrections awaqeded