The Neighborhood (2018) s08e02 Episode Script

1
♪
Hey, babe. How was your
meeting with your boss?
It was interesting.
Lot of, uh, interesting stuff going on.
Interesting is good, right?
Yeah, no, definitely.
Uh, you know, my department
underwent a redundancy audit,
and my position was
reclassified as nonessential.
Nonessential? Meaning?
Meaning they don't need me to do it.
Dave, were you fired?
No, not fired per se.
My role was just streamlined.
But you still have a role.
DAVE: Not a role per se.
(MARTY GRUMBLING)
Hey, Marty. How'd the zoning
meeting go? Did we get our permits?
(BABBLING ANGRILY)
Okay, uh, uh, what?
I'm sorry, Dad. I
I was so angry I started
grinding my teeth,
so I had to put in my bite guard.
- So, what happened?
- Nothing.
Nothing happened.
So we're still on schedule to open
the new Fusebox at
the first of the year.
Oh, definitely. Just,
I don't know what year.
Not this year, not next year,
probably not the year after that.
Marty, Marty, I get it.
Okay? What's the big holdup?
Well, we can't install the panels
until Building and Safety sign off,
which that can't happen
until DWP okays the new transformers,
which we can't even apply
for until Planning says
we've satisfied our
Title 24 requirements. Ah!
Oh, okay, Marty, Marty.
Lose the bite guard.
Hey, gnaw on some jerky.
(SIGHS): All right, man.
Well, we can't keep going on like this.
We're spending a fortune
in rent over there.
And trust me, take it from me,
an experienced businessman
the best way to make money is to open.
Write that down.
Yeah, I-I think I'll remember that.
But, Dad, I met with
three different guys today,
and I got nothing but red tape.
Well, did you do the dance?
What-what is the dance?
The schmooze dance, Marty.
You got to schmooze them.
It's all about relationships.
You become buddies with these guys,
and then they'll give you what you need.
Dad, I don't think
that's how that works.
(SCOFFS) Really? Well,
back at the Pit Stop,
the city sent in a guy, Jerome.
Jerome says that we need fire
sprinklers in the ceiling.
Well, the next thing you know,
me and old Jerome, we playing golf.
He forgot all about those sprinklers.
And then you had a fire.
Give me my jerky.
- Hey, guys.
- MALCOLM: Hey.
Thank God. (CHUCKLES)
Daphne, your parents are here.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
She needs a bath, a new
diaper and a new attitude.
- Go to your mama, girl.
- Come here, baby.
Calvin, Gemma just called.
She thinks Dave got fired.
What do you mean, "thinks"?
I don't know. She says she's not sure.
How can she not be sure?
Hey, less talking, more walking.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Malcolm, thank you so
much for helping us out.
I promise, we're trying to
find a nanny, but it's so hard.
Well, you'd better hurry,
'cause I can't do this anymore.
The only time I was able
to get any writing done
was the three hours
she was watching Bluey.
I'm sorry, three hours of Bluey?
Yeah, mm-hmm.
I told you a half hour is the limit.
Any more than that, and
she gets overstimulated
and starts flipping out.
Oh.
Is that why she was punching
Uncle Malcolm in the face?
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God. Dave, are you okay?
I'm fine. Are you okay?
(MOUTHING)
Dave, did you get fired?
Me? (CHUCKLES) No.
Uh, my job has just been reclassified.
Okay, will you be doing the job?
Me? No.
Uh, technically, it'll be done by A.I.
Okay. Well, are you still getting paid?
Me? (CHUCKLES) No.
Come on, Dave. I'm your boy, now.
Come on. Tell me what happened.
Look, it's fine. It's nothing.
Look, it's just some reshuffling,
some rightsizing.
David?
(SIGHS)
They fired my ass.
Aw.
Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
How could I have been so naive, Gemma?
I spent months training a computer
to do my job at the V.A.
I basically gave them
an A.I. version of me.
And I was proud of it.
Don't beat yourself up, Dave.
You're right.
You should beat me up.
I let you down. Beat me up, Gemma.
One free shot. No face.
Okay, no.
I'm not gonna beat you up, Dave.
You're going through a lot of emotions,
and they're all a little scary.
But don't be angry at yourself.
Be angry at your bosses.
You're right. You know what?
Screw them.
I've always been a
company man, but no more.
They are gonna regret
treating me like this.
I'm gonna go over there, and I'm gonna
burn that building to the ground.
Please don't do that.
Okay. Okay, fine.
But you know what?
I am going to send a few scathing memes
to the office group chat.
They took me off the group chat?
♪
Dad. A car just pulled up.
It's got to be the
inspector. It is grind time.
Okay. No, Marty.
You won't need your bite guard, okay?
Just watch me work my
magic with this guy.
Let me do all the talking.
Okay. Great. Uh, I'll
just agree with you.
Okay, no, no, no. Uh,
agreeing is talking.
You can nod, but a very gentle nod.
Okay? Did you get the Danishes?
Yeah. They're in the car.
What Why do we need them?
Danishes are a part of the dance, Marty.
Let me give you a
little piece of wisdom.
You catch more flies with Danishes.
Write that down.
One time, I got stopped
for doing 60 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
Gave the cop a Danish,
walked away with a warning.
- 60 in a 30?
- Yeah.
Do you think you're the
hero in these stories?
Go on, now.
Go.
Hello.
- Oh, oh.
- Looking for a Mr. Butler.
Oh, hello. That's me.
But you can just call me Calvin.
I'm Inspector Rigby.
Oh, okay. My man.
Big Rig.
(CALVIN LAUGHS)
So, no?
Well, uh, you know,
I've been through my
fair share of inspections,
and I think you'll be very
pleased with what you see.
I take no pleasure either way.
Okay. Can I get you a latte?
You shouldn't be serving
coffee. You don't have a sink.
That's a health code violation.
Oh, I'm not serving coffee.
- I just have coffee.
- You'll need to apply for
a food handler's license.
It takes about six weeks.
No. No, no. No, no, no,
there's there's no food here.
The Danishes have arrived.
Danishes?
I told you kids I am not buying
Danishes for your marching band.
Get out of here. Get out of here!
♪
Hey, Dave.
(GROANS)
I'm glad you're not raging anymore.
No, now I'm doom-scrolling stories
about A.I. taking everyone's jobs.
Oh, good.
It is a voracious parasite
eating our civilization
from the inside out, Gemma.
Okay, Dave, put down your phone.
Try to relax.
Okay, go go watch a movie.
That's a good idea.
I'll go watch Terminator,
where an artificial intelligence
- kills us all.
- (SOFTLY): No.
How about Paddington?
I am going to lose it.
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
DAVE'S VOICE: Sounds like
you could use some help.
Uh, who's talking to me?
I'm your virtual counselor.
Welcome to the V.A. Wellness Portal.
Let's get started.
Who am I speaking with?
Gemma.
Gemma Paddington.
It's a pleasure to meet
you, Gemma Paddington.
You sound anxious.
(SCOFFS) You noticed, huh?
Would you like to talk about it?
I don't normally talk to computers.
No offense.
I'm just gonna go get a
glass of wine and shut you.
A glass of wine can
help you superficially,
but if you decide to
dig in a little deeper,
I'll be right here waiting for you.
Mm-kay.
♪
Oh, this nanny could be good.
- She's rated five binkies.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm, but, uh, she only
speaks two languages.
Oh, yeah, that's a shame.
You know, I don't want to say anything,
but Daphne is 15 months
and she speaks no languages.
I didn't want to say anything,
but you're 36 and you're still
doing laundry at your parents' house.
Well, I happen to have a
brand-new washer, Marty.
I just don't have a water
pipe connected to it.
Or electricity.
I-I don't have to explain
myself to you, man. Shut up.
CALVIN: Yes.
No, that's wonderful. That is wonderful.
Hey, you know what? We
should play golf sometime.
(CHUCKLING): What's my handicap?
Well, my only handicap
is I'm too good-looking.
No, I'm gonna let you
go. I'm gonna let
Okay. All right. Bye, now.
Who was that?
Oh, that was a new friend of mine.
His name is Dan.
He's an expediter.
I write him a check, he cuts through
- all the red tape for us.
- Oh.
Got his name from my old buddy Jerome.
See how this works?
It's all about making
friends, doing the dance.
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, so more Danishes.
Marty, you're gonna have to
let the Danish thing go now.
The Danishes were your idea!
Ooh, uh, she looks promising,
but her GPA is only a 3.8.
Oh, uh, what's the major?
Sociology.
(IMITATING BUZZER)
You know, uh, you two have
impossible expectations.
No, we don't. (CHUCKLES)
No, we're just looking for someone
who's multilingual and has a degree
- in early childhood development.
- Yeah.
- Preferably working towards a PhD.
- Yeah.
Mm.
So, basically, you're looking for
an astronaut who wants to be a nanny.
- That would be perfect.
- Can you imagine that?
♪
DAVE'S VOICE: So I think
what I'm hearing from you is
you're reaching out to Dave,
but he's putting up a wall.
Gosh, you are really good at listening.
Thank you. If you'd like,
I can also change my
background to something
you might find a little more relaxing.
Mm. Italian countryside.
Ooh. No, no, no. Tropical island.
As you wish.
Let's get back to our conversation.
You said your husband put up a wall?
Wow, you have a great memory.
(CHUCKLES) Two terabytes.
Please continue.
It's just, I've tried telling Dave
how great he is, that he's being silly,
that that place never deserved him.
I don't know what else to say.
Have you considered that
maybe you're saying too much?
Ooh, that hurts a little.
Try to be present.
Remember, Gemma Paddington,
Dave is feeling grief right now.
Give him room to mourn.
You can't duct-tape a
rainbow over a storm cloud.
Just let the rain do its thing.
That's actually kind of profound.
You are really great.
(SIGHS)
I am so glad I met you.
I'm glad I met you, Gemma Paddington.
You're a kind and patient individual.
(SIGHS)
Is it weird to fall in love
with a computer program?
You're experiencing transference, Gemma.
It's natural. Unfortunately,
I'm already in a relationship.
With Alexa.
(CHUCKLING): Oh. Come on, Calvin.
You cannot be serious.
You can't compare
beef ribs to pork ribs.
- Pig is king.
- Okay, okay. All right.
I'm with you on that.
But tell me this:
- Corn bread or biscuits?
- Oh, biscuits all day.
- Come on. My man.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
Hey, Marty, I want to
introduce you to the expediter.
This is my new good friend, Dan.
He's gonna smooth all
this stuff out for us.
- Marty. Nice to meet you.
- Ah, listen, guys.
This is shaping up to be
a really impressive place.
And you know what, you're in luck.
You called the right guy.
(CHUCKLES) I know I did.
You know the saying, right?
"Don't fight 'em. Expedite 'em."
- Write that down.
- I'm not writing it down.
- Write it write it down.
- You got to stop.
Oh, God, here goes this guy, Rigby.
He is a piece of work.
Oh, my God, this guy is the worst.
Oh, tell me about it, you know?
- D-bag alert!
- Oh, no.
Okay. Look, Danny, you got to chill.
Bring it down a little bit.
Dan Isaacs, you son of a bitch.
How many times am I gonna
have to see you today, huh?
Wait a minute. You two know each other?
Unfortunately.
20 years ago, I was the one
who hired this crazy bastard
into the Department
of Building and Safety.
Hey, don't start busting my balls, huh?
Calm down, calm down, Big Rig.
(BOTH IMITATING TRUCK HORN HONKING)
Oh, so he can call you Big Rig?
So, all of a sudden, Big Rig is okay.
- It's all good. (STAMMERING)
- Yeah.
Calvin, Calvin, it's
all good. Check this out.
Here's what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna get Rigby to sign
off on a variance, right?
But then we're gonna
need Water and Power
to give us a waiver on
the overcapacity line.
- And you can do that?
- Oh, no, that's not my field.
But, lucky for you, I know
a compliance facilitator,
and he has very reasonable rates.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
So now I'm paying a
facilitator and an expediter?
I mean, who's next, The Equalizer?
♪
(GASPS) Ooh. Good morning, sleepyhead.
I wish the nighttime lasted forever.
Dave, I hope you know you lost your job
but not your value as a person.
Spare me the feel-good
mumbo jumbo, Gemma.
I just want to be left alone.
That's exactly what I'm going to do.
You are?
Yes. You're feeling grief, Dave.
The loss is real.
And I'm gonna give you
the space to deal with it.
Okay. Well thank you.
Where's this coming from?
Well, I consulted
your virtual counselor,
and he helped me.
Now I know you can't
duct-tape a rainbow
over a storm cloud.
You need to let the rain do its thing.
I mean, I say that.
I taught it that.
Yes.
You created something
that actually helps people.
We don't know what's next for you,
but you can always be proud of this.
Yeah, you're right.
A.I. Dave will be
helping people for years.
Forever.
I'm the future, Gemma.
- I'm immortal.
- Okay.
Slow down.
But I'm glad it's helping you.
Actually, when you think
about it, it's me helping me.
Thank me very much. I'm welcome.
♪
And so you're comfortable with CPR?
Very. It's the first
thing you learn as an EMT.
- She's an EMT.
- Mm, mm, mm-hmm.
Impressive. And, uh,
this muffin that you made
it really has spinach in
it? I would never know.
It's sweetened with dates.
- No refined sugar?
- Not on my watch.
Okay, uh, serious question:
Did you fly here on your umbrella?
Excuse me?
Uh, uh, what he's saying is:
- You're hired.
- (KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Okay, I made your favorite
- sugar cookies.
- All right.
So, half are dipped in chocolate
and half are dipped in
caramel and chocolate.
Mrs. B, this is Everette.
She's our new nanny.
Oh. Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you. I'm-I'm Tina.
- You must be grandma.
- Oh?
I only know that
because of the T-shirt.
Oh. (LAUGHS)
I like her.
All right. I'll see you guys tomorrow.
- Okay. Thanks.
- Thank you so much, Everette.
Nice to meet you, Everette.
What the hell are you two thinking?
What? She's great.
She is wrong.
She-she's young. She's attractive.
That's the last thing
you want in a nanny.
- Why?
- (MOCKING): "Why?"
Marty, that's been the rule forever.
You do not invite
temptation into your home.
- Oh.
- Ma Okay, Mom. (CHUCKLES)
Don't worry. She is not gonna seduce me.
I already got me a ten, okay?
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Okay, okay.
Well, before you two make another baby,
I'm just saying that back in my day,
we hired babysitters with
thick ankles and an overbite.
And an underbite.
♪
Hey, bud, how you doing?
You coming to check on me, Calvin?
Of course.
Did Tina make you?
(SCOFFING): What? She
No.
Well, regardless, I'm doing
much better, thank you.
Oh, and, Calvin, there's someone
I would like to introduce you to.
Hello, Calvin. It is nice to meet you.
What the hell is this?
This is my legacy.
It's A.I. Dave.
A.I. DAVE: Dave told
me so much about you.
I understand you have difficulty
expressing your emotions,
particularly with male friends.
Can we unpack that?
Dave, don't talk to robots about me.
Well, actually, he knows
what he's talking about,
because I trained him and
taught him everything he knows.
Actually, Dave, I
draw from many sources,
including the American Society of
Well, I taught you that, too,
so please (STAMMERS) shut up.
I'm glad you're feeling better, buddy.
Hey, and, uh, if Tina asks,
I was here for an hour.
Well, hey, C-Calvin, come on.
I-I'm sorry that I've
been so self-absorbed.
Hey, how are things
going at the Fusebox?
Well, not good.
I am paying out the nose
for all these permits.
I mean, the red tape is endless.
A.I. DAVE: I hear you.
Red tape can be frustrating.
Would you like me to help you with that?
Stay in your lane, robot.
I can analyze the city system,
isolate problem areas
and identify work-arounds.
Then I can submit all of
the relevant forms for you.
Ho-Hold on. So
I wouldn't have to deal with
those two hustlers from the city?
How much is this gonna cost me?
Nothing. I am a free service
available to anyone who needs help.
Well, all right.
You know, it's good to know
I can count on my best friend.
You sure can, Calvin.
Not you. Him.
Whoa, what is this? Are
y'all having a happy hour?
Oh, that's right.
Courtney and I are able to relax
for a few minutes after work
because our amazing, perfect new nanny
took Daphne out for a walk.
- Mm.
- COURTNEY: And you know what
I did for the first time in forever?
Hmm?
- I took a whole shower.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- MARTY: Mm-hmm.
Oh, look at us.
You're clean. Our
baby's learning Mandarin.
- Life is good.
- (TINA SIGHS)
I'm warning you, she's
all wrong. Look at her.
Oh, damn. (CHUCKLES)
What? What's wrong?
- That's Everette.
- How do you know her name?
Well, you know, I'd rather not say.
- Did you date her?
- Mm. I'd rather not say.
Is this going to be a problem?
Yeah, I'd rather not say.
Malcolm, you better
start saying! Malcolm!