The Goldbergs s08e04 Episode Script

1
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
my family had plenty of
missteps when it came to love.
[Sobbing gibberish]
But for one magic moment,
it seemed like the gods of love
were smiling on all of us.
I was with Brea, Barry had Ren,
and Erica and Geoff
were as strong as ever.
Even my dad's friend Bill Lewis
had found someone.
My angel, Dolores,
I promise to cherish you,
and to listen to you recount your dreams
no matter how dumb they are,
and to smile when I eat
what you call a taco salad.
Why would you toss a pear in there?
This is a courthouse.
We don't have time for vows.
- Is your witness here?
- Mur-man, you're up.
And I gotta tell you, I'm ready,
except I'm not putting my hand
on a Bible.
I just need your signature.
Stop! Nobody sign a damn thing!
Oh, no. She found us. How?
This morning Murray says
he's going out for a walk,
and naturally I assumed
he's terminally ill
or having an affair, so I followed him.
A walk, Murray?
That's a lie as lazy
as the man who told it.
And how dare the two of you
try to sneak off and elope?!
I'm sorry. Is this any of your business?
Silly Dolores.
Bill is my husband's best friend,
which makes him my best friend,
which makes this all about me.
That does not track.
Which is why we didn't
tell you about it.
We knew you'd want
to take over the wedding
and do something crazy.
All I wanted to do
was throw them a grand wedding
for the ages.
I just need six months
and a quarter of a million dollars.
We leave for Tahiti on Sunday.
Challenge accepted.
The wedding is tomorrow!
Please, Bill, just say "I do"
and sign the paper.
Then she can't touch us.
Dolores, your wedding day
is the most important day of your life.
Murray and I will never forget ours.
- Yeah, it was the dead of winter.
- July 3rd.
- There was a chill in the air.
- The cake melted.
Memories. The slide show of my mind.
You could have what we have.
[Gasps] Ooh, and we'll have it
in the backyard.
But nobody uses the john in the house
'cause we got bushes.
That's both a kind
and wildly ungenerous offer.
But no one can plan
an entire wedding in a day.
Watch me. [Chuckling]
Whee! [Laughs]
That was my birth certificate.
Life-changing news, everyone.
We're going on safari!
And I'm gonna walk across
some rocks on a river
only to realize they're hippos.
I have no information,
but I'm positive that's all wrong.
In the next 24 hours,
you all are gonna help me
plan a wedding.
- Yay!
- Zero chance.
- No, thanks.
- In Africa?
You have no choice!
And it's gonna be a ridiculous,
over-the-top-affair.
This is gonna be a disaster,
so I'm bringing Ren.
She's a foxy wildcard
that'll lighten up this snooze-fest.
If he's bringing Ren,
then I'm bringing Brea.
No guests. They cost money.
But it's a wedding,
- and I'm obviously bringing Geoff.
- Who?
This isn't because your father
doesn't know my name.
It's just weddings get me going.
You know, the bride
in the dress of her dreams,
the promise of forever,
the dad in the wheelchair
who's standing up
just for that last little
walk down the aisle.
This is who you want to bring? Really?
Everyone's invited, Murray.
Even hysterical Geoff.
Who's getting married, again?
Your dad's friend Bill and some rando.
Oh, it's gonna be so much fun!
Ooh, it's like
we're all getting married.
Don't forget me!
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was November 4th, 1980-something,
and my mom was attempting
to do the impossible
plan an entire wedding
with less than 24-hours notice.
We got here as soon as we could.
What happened to Murray?
Did he take a header down the stairs
because his feet are so swollen?
Are his injuries consistent
with blunt-force trauma
and you have a rock-solid alibi,
but we know in our hearts it was you?
Close.
He's barely helping me
throw a wedding by tomorrow.
Dang it, Beverly!
I had a tennis lesson with Lars. Lars!
Good. Channel that weird,
middle-aged energy into this.
Ginzy, I need enough flowers
for a presidential funeral.
Linda, I need you to cater a meal
for a hundred picky eaters.
Essie
prove yourself useful.
I once went to a wedding
that had a really fun psychic.
Oh, she was a hoot.
Did she predict how useless
you'd be in this moment?
Yoo-hoo!
Of course, my mom didn't account
for her rival yenta,
who could smell a wedding being planned
from a mile away.
Jane Bales.
To what do I owe this displeasure?
I just popped over
because I heard
you were planning a wedding.
Based on the interior of your home,
I wanted to stop you.
You will plan this wedding
over my dead body.
I introduced Bill and Dolores.
I don't want you screwing this up.
Please. I am the best party planner
in Montgomery County,
Southern New Jersey,
and the entire Eastern seaboard
south of Delaware.
Well, that's impossible because I am.
And the rest of the U.S.
and Puerto Rico and Guam.
I once threw myself a baby shower
while I was giving birth.
I threw a quinceañera
for a 50-year-old white guy.
It was super weird, but it was his day.
I once threw a Cinco de Mayo party
on Ocho de Octubre.
I threw a surprise party for myself,
and I had no idea.
Thanks, but no, thanks.
I have it covered.
Really? What have you done so far?
Just this.
[Gasps]
Well, it's been three minutes.
Why don't I see results?
Because you ask too much of us?
Err! Wrong answer, Ginzy!
Now move your puckered poopers
outta here
and come back with a wedding!
- [Door slams]
- [Exhales sharply]
Well, at least you're working on
your best-man speech.
No, I'm writing a very angry letter
to the moron who almost parked
in front of our driveway.
Dammit, Murray! You only have
two responsibilities!
- Our kids?
- We have three kids.
I'm talking about the wedding.
You have to write your best-man speech
and get chairs.
- Got it. Chicken fingers.
- Murray!
Let me give you
a little piece of advice
If you want something done right,
you do it yourself.
While my dad dodged his wedding duties,
we got hit with a long list of chores.
I can't believe Mom
would actually ask us
to do manual labor.
What even is this thing?
My God, you know nothing.
It's called a yard fork.
Now it's a Kenpo thrusting lance!
Hello, rambunctious children.
I am here for the wedding.
Am I in the right place?
Sweet "Witches of Eastwick"!
It's Karen English,
one of Philadelphia's
more popular radio occultists.
You might recognize this side of my face
from various vandalized bench ads.
Tell us, enchantress,
what greatness is in store for me?
The spirits are telling me meh.
- Huh?
- Ooh, but I am registering
a negative romantic complication.
There is a couple here
who will not last the night.
Someone's getting murdered?
No.
But there is a romantic
relationship in peril.
Well, it's not mine.
My boyfriend is so loving and devoted,
even though he just
recently chose to move out.
I see.
And Brea and I are solid as a rock
if half the rock was super attractive
and the other half was wildly insecure.
- Hmm.
- Ha-ha!
Karen English thinks
your love is garbage.
Well, what about you
and your unlikely partnership with Ren?
I agree. Ren is a ten.
But, as you all can see, I'm an eleven.
Together, we are blackjack.
All I know is that someone
is doomed here tonight.
A reckoning is coming.
I am never wrong.
[Latch rattling]
Is there a trick with this?
- Yeah, just jiggle the thingy.
- I am jiggling it.
- Jiggle it harder.
- Yeah, you gotta give the thing
- a good jiggle.
- I'm jiggling the thingy!
Yeah, just a little
- I got it.
- Oh.
I'm never wrong.
I'm never wrong.
As Karen English had us
worried about a break-up,
my mom was trying to keep
the wedding from falling apart.
What the hell is this?
An elegant centerpiece
of tulips and begonias.
You expect someone to look at this
and feel anything but sick?
Maybe whimsy?
Beverly, I do think
you're pushing us a little hard here.
I already made 350 cucumber sandwiches.
I think that's enough.
Yeah, and I agreed to iron napkins,
not whatever these are.
Those are Murray's formal intimates,
and you will put that iron
wherever I tell you to.
Now, getting rid of all this.
We're gonna start over.
I am done.
Good! 'Cause despite
your mediocre efforts,
you've really set me back.
I'm right behind you, Linda.
I can't believe I wasted my morning
creasing your husband's butt rags.
And I said some hateful words
in the bathroom to myself,
so I need to go apologize
to my children.
- Well, good riddance!
- [Door opens]
I'll just draw a frown
on a sack of flour
to replace you!
- [Door slams]
- Oh.
Too bad your friends are gone
'cause I got one for the win column.
I got us chairs.
Oh, I knew you'd come through.
Daddy does it again.
So now that I've done my part,
I'm gonna go to my natural
surroundings of the den.
Uh, wait, Murray.
- Yeah?
- What am I looking at?
That's one of one hundred
premium wedding chairs.
- This chair is for a child.
- Nah. It's perfect.
Well, if it's so perfect,
why don't you sit down.
Because I prefer to stand.
I like being on the balls of my feet,
ready to pounce.
Sit!
[Groans]
All right. There you go.
Well, that's, uh
that's quite comfortable.
I like being so close to my knees.
You can sit that way
through the whole ceremony?
I'm in a great deal of pain.
Dammit, Murray, you failed me,
like everyone else!
What am I supposed to do now?!
I'm gonna tell you what I tell our kids.
There's nothing wrong with quitting.
I'll take care of the chairs.
You just go and finish writing
your best-man speech.
Hey, don't worry. I'm gonna wing it.
My mom's party crew was crumbling.
She knew there was only one yenta
who could help her get
this wedding back on track.
I
Failed miserably
and inevitably had
to come to me for help?
- It's just
- You couldn't pull off
a one-day wedding by yourself
and you needed me all along?
- That's
- True.
And admitting your mistake
is the first step
in the lengthy apology you owe me.
Well, save it.
We have a wedding to throw.
[Choir sings]
[Singing stops]
Come on.
As my mom and Jane Bales joined forces,
the strength of our bonds
was about to be tested.
Hey, guys. You ready?
Almost. Let me just touch up
my lipstick.
Because I smooched it off.
[Gags]
I'll never get used to it.
Geoff, you got
some extremely personal mail
that I obviously opened.
Congrats.
You got into the study-abroad
program in Spain.
- Oh, my God, really?!
- Yeah.
The Spanish are awesome.
They eat dinner at midnight,
fight bulls for fun,
and even their babies kiss hello.
Wait, you're just gonna jet off
to a faraway land of fancy ham
and flamenco dancing?
Oh, I-I mean, it's totally
not gonna happen.
It was just a lark.
A lark that totally panned out
in the most amazing way,
but it's not happening.
Geoff, look at me.
You have to go.
Wait. You really want me to go?
It's Spain!
Or, as they call it, España.
Es-pa-ña! Huh?
Are we starting a chant or what?
I don't think so.
Madrid, Barcelona, Ibiza.
You know your places. Nice.
I'm gonna start the car.
But you can't drive to Spain!
It's across a whole ocean!
- [Quietly] Damn it.
- BARRY: Holy crap.
That mind witch was right.
You and Geoff are dunzo.
You don't know
what you're talking about.
It's someone else.
Brea can't come to the wedding.
She's going to
her grandma's 70th in Hartford.
Should I be worried?
Hot dog, yes! Very worried.
I thought you were gonna gently
reassure me I was being crazy.
Do you know anything about
senior birthdays in Connecticut?
Super sexy.
That's why it's called
the Romance State.
I think it's the Nutmeg State.
You're thinking, but I'm knowing.
Once you cross state lines,
anything goes.
But they're just going
to the Holiday Inn.
- Ouch.
- They have pools.
- Pools have boys.
- Boys meet Brea.
- Brea go bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Oh, God! There is a pool!
And a free New York Times every morning!
That's what I'm saying.
They really know
how to set a table for love.
Are we good to go?
[Chuckles]
We are. Them? Not so much.
My mom had gotten
exactly what she needed
to pull off a one-day wedding
another Beverly Goldberg.
Get me up to speed.
Where are we on food?
- Unfinished.
- Chairs?
- Tiny.
- Guest list?
A real who's-who of nobodies.
I've worked with less.
Yeah, but we still need music, a cake,
an officiant, a videographer,
and a huge team of
hair and makeup for us
and possibly Dolores if there's time.
So a whole wedding?
Done.
Your daughter's musical, right?
Oh, don't bother.
My children have already
refused to help me.
That's adorable.
You! You're in a dumb
singing group, right?
Yeah, but I'm not in the mood
I don't care. You're booked.
I'm only saying yes because I'm afraid.
Not afraid enough.
Scoot. Go. Knees high!
[Gasps] Holy crap!
You were hateful to my child!
[Quietly] And it was beautiful to watch.
Hey, hey, hey. Look at me.
You can be this horrible, too.
While I am an ordained deacon,
uh, I'd like to sit down
with the bride and groom
and really get to know them.
He's as bald as a misshapen egg,
and she doesn't seem to mind.
You're all caught up.
Your angry eyes make me feel
like I know them enough.
Oh, no!
A fit, middle-aged lady on my bed.
I saw this movie with Barry.
Flattered but spoken for.
Get your head out of the gutter,
camera dork.
I prefer film aficionado.
You are gonna point your Kodak
and chronicle the nuptials
of Bill and Dolores.
I barely know who those people are,
and I'm kind of at a crossroads
in my own relationship.
Everything you're saying is ridiculous
because you're a child.
And what is this room?
Ginzy, I wasn't very nice earlier,
so this will come as no shock.
But I'm gonna need you to bring me
all your white roses,
you tremendous piece of [bleep].
[Gasps] You know, words like
that are why we canceled HBO!
I'll have them here by 1:45.
Hello, I need service!
[Rattling]
I'm next forever, so why don't you
and your corned beefcovered friends
start making me some finger sandwiches
and a six-tiered wedding cake.
- We only do meats.
- And now cakes.
And I need you to take in
the seams of all these pants.
Okay.
Yep, my mom and Jane were a dream team,
but I was in a relationship nightmare.
Pick up, pick up, pick up,
pick up, pick up, pick up.
Dammit! Answering machine!
Dude, you're doomed.
Leaving a message
won't get your lady back.
Brea! It's Adam Goldberg
of Adam and Brea.
It's already bad.
I know you're headed off
to sexy Hartford,
but I could use a pep talk
on where we stand.
I mean, you could do whatever you want,
but please don't do whatever you want.
For the love of God,
stay out of that hotel pool!
You're tanking it, bro.
Just hang up while you're behind.
Anyhoo, safe travels,
and please don't leave me.
Oh, here comes my anxiety gas.
Have I hung up yet?
I think I nailed it.
You did not, but you can fix it.
Just leave a few more messages
in the same tone of clumsy desperation.
- You're not a good person.
- I know.
Yeah, Barry had me worked up
about my relationship,
but I wasn't the only one
trying to work things out.
Hey, whatcha doin'?
Hiding from Jane Bales.
She's a scary lady.
I know. She made me the flower girl.
I didn't even say yes,
but here's my basket of petals.
Look, about the whole
study-abroad thing
it kind of seemed like
you were super pumped
- for me to go.
- So pumped!
You'd be okay with me leaving you, then?
I guess that's what I'm saying.
Oh. Okay, then.
I guess I should really consider it.
- Please don't!
- I am so confused.
I know. I'm sorry.
Of course I don't want you to go.
But we just had this whole thing
about how everything's on my terms,
and this was my chance to
finally support what you want.
But I can never leave you.
But it's España.
You can eat paella
and watch children smoke.
Everything I want is right here.
Now you're laying it on a little thick.
Just shut up and kiss the flower girl.
[Chuckles]
Balls!
You guys are okay?!
Now it's definitely me.
As the psychic's prediction
became clear,
my mom and Jane Bales
had pulled off the impossible.
In one day, they turned our backyard
into a picture-perfect wedding venue.
Hey, have you seen my, uh,
tie with the stain
that looks like a stripe?
I've got it right here.
Oh!
And you also got big-boy chairs.
How 'bout that.
I pushed you to do better.
Now maybe you can take care of something
like your best-man duties?
I think it's a little too late
for a bachelor party,
- but I'll talk to Vic.
- No. Is your speech ready?
- Well, yes.
- Where is it?
Bingy, bingy.
- So you didn't write it.
- No, I did not.
Beverly, big problem.
Bill has locked himself in the bathroom.
He says he doesn't want
to go through with it!
Nobody panic. It's just cold feet.
Murray will talk him down.
Thank you, Murray!
What am I supposed to do?
Maybe care about this wedding
for a freakin' second!
I did at City Hall.
But then you took over everything
and turned it into a circus.
Circus?
Do you understand why I'm doing this?
No, I don't.
Murray, you know,
a wedding is not just about
the two people getting married.
It's a celebration of what
it means to be married
two people starting
their lives together,
starting a family.
Huh. I never thought of that.
Well, I guess I shouldn't be
surprised that you didn't.
I can't believe Brea's going
to the Holiday Inn in Hartford.
I know.
It's like she's going
to the Playboy Mansion,
if the Playboy Mansion
was in the insurance capital
of the world.
Hey, Adam.
Brea? You're here? Why?
Because I can't imagine
being away from you
for even a day.
Psh! Girl, I wasn't scared.
Which is a complete lie.
Thank God you're here.
Aww
Oh, no.
If Geoff and Erica are good
and you and Brea are, too,
then that can mean only one thing!
Hey, I was looking for you.
Hopefully not to break up with me.
- What?
- We're good, right?
Oh, um yeah
"Oh, um"?
Barry, we need to talk.
The wedding my mom planned
for Bill was in serious trouble
'cause there was no Bill.
Bill, when you agreed to get married,
you gave up your right
to ever make a decision again.
[Falsetto] Bill Bill stepped out!
[Calmly] Bill
Um, I'm gonna knock down this door,
choke you out,
and drag your lifeless body
downstairs
[rapidly] and move your face
like a puppet
so you say, "I do!"
You're gonna "Weekend at Bernie's" me?
No, thank you!
L-L-Let me give this a try.
[Sighs heavily]
Hey, Bill.
I thought you were crazy
about this lady.
Like beans love weenies.
That's also our nicknames
for each other.
I'm beans.
Well, then, what's the problem?
I've been burned
by the marriage game once.
Do you know I spent the last six years
sleeping on an empty waterbed?
That sounds terribly uncomfortable.
I just haven't had anyone
to fill it for, you know?
Now you got Dolores to fill it for you.
What if she leaves me, too?
I can't go through it again.
You know, I was gonna save this
for my wedding speech,
but what the hell.
Marriage is not a sure thing.
That's a rough start.
Look, if you find
the right woman, like I did,
it's the easiest choice in the world.
I knew I loved Bevy soon as I met her.
Over the last 28 years,
she's really taught me what love is.
If you find a woman
who makes you half as happy
as Bevy makes me,
you're set for life.
I want what you have.
That's a good thing
'cause it's waiting right outside.
You really are my best man.
Do you really mean those
nice things you said?
Nah.
Shut up and get in here.
All right.
While my dad put
the wedding back on track,
Barry was trying to keep
his relationship with Ren
from going off the rails.
Look
Barry, I-I think you're great.
But
I saw my old boyfriend,
and I think I still have
feelings for him.
You sure?
We kissed.
So that's it?
You're just gonna get
back together with him?
I'm so sorry.
Me too.
In that moment,
Barry didn't need a psychic
to tell him how much it was gonna hurt,
but luckily, he had
a few shoulders to lean on.
- You okay?
- [Scoffs] Not really.
Stupid psychic.
Bar, no one actually knows the future.
But what I can tell you
is we're gonna get through this.
Together.
I guess family can't break up with you.
Wouldn't even think of it.
You're stuck with us forever.
It was true.
In good times and in bad,
family is there forever
both the family we're born into
and the family that we choose.
ERICA: Maybe I'm amazed at the
way you love me all the time
Bum-bum, bum
Maybe I'm afraid of the way
I love you
Bum-bum, bum-bum,
bum-bum, bum-bum-bum
And by the power vested in me
by two very terrifying ladies,
I pronounce you man and wife.
[Laughs]
[Applause]
That day,
Bill and Dolores chose their new family,
and with it, a new future
one they'd make together.
It's so beautiful! [Laughs]
- You did great but you always do.
- Maybe I'm amazed at the way
I really need you
Maybe I'm a man
- Maybe I'm a lonely man
- That's what's incredible about weddings.
They're just a day.
But they're the beginning
of an entire new lifetime.
Because when you think about it,
life is full of new beginnings
marriage, children, even break-ups.
And although we can't predict
what tomorrow holds,
as long as we're there
with the people we love in the present,
the future is bound to be amazing.
[Bell chimes]
Hey, Brea. It's Adam again.
I'm so glad you came to the wedding
instead of going to Hartford.
I'm sure you would've looked
great at the hotel, too.
I hear there's a nice pool there,
so I assume you'd be enjoying
the freedom of a swimsuit.
My mom always says
a one-piece is the safest choice
for modesty.
I'm in no way suggesting
you should have a swimsuit
like my mom's.
In her defense, she pulls it off.
She's pretty fit.
Power walks, plays tennis,
eats cottage cheese.
You could do a lot worse than
having a body like my mom's.
Let's just say
if you were her age and had her body,
you would hear no complaints from me.
[Receiver hangs up]
How'd I do?
Honestly, I am feeling better
about my break-up.