The Neighborhood (2018) s08e04 Episode Script

1
Oh, those are beautiful pastries.
Yeah, right? I got them
from this amazing bakery
on Abbot Kinney.
I thought this was a cream puff,
but it's got meat in it.
You know how you get your mouth
all ready for something sweet,
and suddenly there's ham?
I don't like mouth surprises.
(WOOD CREAKING)
Malcolm, is that your floor
making that sound?
Uh, yeah, mine's got a few quirks.
(WOOD CREAKING)
Son, your floor shouldn't be mushy.
It's fine. It's just a old house, Pop.
Whoa, Marty, no!
What? What?
You cannot go near the fireplace.
What's wrong?
There's a gap in the floor
right where you're standing.
- A gap?
- It's a small gap.
- But do not move.
- What
Look, I had to put a rug over it
'cause I didn't want Mama to see it.
So you rather your mother
watch her son fall to his death?
CALVIN: Okay, babe,
it's one foot down and just sand.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
Well, it's not just sand.
(CLEARS THROAT)
It's a family of crabs under there.
Crabs?!
- Daddy, please
- You-you gonna be okay, son.
You gonna be all right.
- You can do this.
- Mar-Marty, look at me, okay?
Step towards the plant.
- Come on.
- (WOOD CREAKS)
Step to the edge of the rug.
Okay, now jump.
There you go. See? Yay.
Get off me. Get off me.
See? Look, we all good.
We are not all good.
When people come to visit,
they shouldn't have to
be a American Ninja Warrior
to go to the bathroom.
You know what? You need new floors.
Oh, no, no, I can't afford
new floors right now.
Well, can you afford a lawsuit?
Oh, please, Marty is not gonna sue me.
- I would sue you so fast!
- TINA: See?
Uh, uh, no-nobody's suing nobody.
Listen.
We'll get you new floors.
It'll-it'll be our housewarming gift.
- Yeah.
- Whoa, no, no, look, look. Thanks, y'all.
But-but new floors? That's a fortune.
Eh, not necessarily.
You know what? I'm gonna
call my cousin Crutch.
Oh, Crutch?
That's the one who always has
his shirt off in the Christmas cards?
Yeah, I don't even open
the envelope anymore.
We haven't seen Crutch in years.
Look, the point is is that he owns
a flooring company in New York.
I'm sure he can get us
the materials wholesale.
- Oh.
- Okay.
I'll just call him right here.
(FACETIME RINGS)
CRUTCH: What up, cuz?
Okay, C-Crutch, could-could you
put a shirt on, please?
You called me during my naked time.
Eh Oh Okay, Crutch, listen.
Hey, my son Malcolm
just bought a house, and, uh,
he needs new floors, so
we thought maybe you could hook us up.
Of course, cuzzo. I got you.
Well, all right.
I can't believe Malcolm
is old enough to buy a house.
It feels just like yesterday
you was wearing pull-ups
and eating glue.
Y'all let me eat glue?
Me? No. Your father
let Crutch watch you.
You kept trying to open up
your little mouth.
It was adorable.
CALVIN (LAUGHS): Okay, well,
a-all right, all right, cuz,
thank you so much, man.
We appreciate the help, though.
Thank you.
Look, don't mention it.
As soon as I place the order,
I'll get on a plane.
CALVIN: A plane?
What Why-why you
getting on a plane?
It's a long drive from New York.
You know I got banned from Amtrak.
They don't joke around
with them quiet cars.
(CALVIN LAUGHS, STAMMERS)
You know, uh, Crutch, there's no need
for you to travel
all the way out here.
We just, you know,
we thought you could just
kind of help us with the materials.
- That's
- Hold on for a minute.
You want the Crutch discount
without the Crutch?
No. No, no, man, we want the Crutch.
You know we want the Crutch.
We love the Crutch.
MALCOLM: Yeah, we want
the Crutch. Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, thank you, Cousin Crutch.
No problem, Sticky Lips.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Hey! Sorry I'm late.
I'll get dinner started.
Already taken care of.
Wow!
I'm sorry you lost your job,
but coming home to a home-cooked
meal is pretty great.
I love having all this free time.
You know, just today
I uploaded all of Grover's
baby photos onto the cloud,
I marked all 761
of your unread emails as read,
and I finally canceled
that gym membership
we still had in Michigan.
Huh. How can I repay you?
I can think of a few ways.
Mmm.
Can you not?
- Why do you hate love?
- We barely touched!
I-I'm sorry. I'm just wiped out.
It feels like I've
been silk-screening T-shirts
- for hours.
- Ooh, let me see that.
What have we got here?
"Capy time, vibing hard"?
Did you mean for it to say that?
Okay, boomer.
'Scuse me. I-I am not a boomer.
Tom Brokaw is a boomer.
I don't know your friends, Dad.
(SPUTTERS)
I guess we're just confused
about this shirt.
Well, you're the only one,
because everybody in my class
loves them.
I've already sold a bunch.
Oh.
Looks like we have
a budding entrepreneur
- in our house.
- Mm.
Yeah. I-I just don't know
how I'm gonna get
all these T-shirts made
and my homework done.
You're in luck, buddy.
I have all this time.
Please, take advantage. Use me.
- R-Really?
- Yeah.
That'd be great, Dad.
But, uh, at your age,
are you sure you have the energy?
- At my age?
- GEMMA: Uh
I have got to teach you
how to quit while you're ahead.
Morning, babe.
I don't know what you're doing,
but this turkey bacon
smells like real bacon.
Oh. Yeah, you're smelling my bacon,
because my cholesterol is great.
Oh.
Well, can I rub my bacon
on your bacon?
- Ew.
- (KNOCKING)
Don't be nasty.
Ain't nobody being nasty.
I'm talking about bacon.
- You're being nasty, you know you are.
- You No, you were being
Hey, I'm talking
about breakfast, girl.
- I wasn't even trying to do nothing.
- (CHUCKLING)
- Hey!
- Cuz!
Crutch, man!
Wh-What are you doing here?
I told you I was coming.
Yeah, but, uh, you know,
I thought you'd tell me
when you were coming.
You know you didn't have
to drop everything.
Drop what?
My wife Jeanette been gone five years,
God rest her soul.
Kids are out of the house.
I'm all yours.
- Well
- Oh, there she is!
- Bring it in, sis! Whoo!
- Hey! How you doing?
Ooh, you smell like bacon.
- Oh.
- Oh, it ain't you.
There is bacon.
Oh.
I'm starving. Do you mind?
No, no, go ahead. Help yourself.
- Mmm.
- You already have it
in your unwashed
airplane hands anyway.
Hmm.
You know, every time I see him,
I can't help but think about
how much he looks like
your brother Curtis.
Really?
Yeah.
I don't see it.
These bacons is good.
I can't wait to soak up
some of this L.A. sun,
meet some celebrities.
Oh, before I forget,
here's the receipt
to my airplane ticket.
Oh, I'm-I'm paying for your flight?
Yeah, I'm supposed to pay
to come fix your floors?
Crutch, this is a lot.
Well, it's a business trip.
That's why I flew business class.
It's in the name.
Where's the commode?
- That way.
- Yeah.
- Right here?
- Yeah.
- Really, Calvin? Really?
- I know, I know.
I know, I know, babe. But, you know,
just think about all the money
we'll save on Malcolm's floors.
- Mm.
- And just think about it
I get to hang out
with my favorite cousin.
You know, back in New York, man,
we would spend summers there.
It'd be such a good time.
And I remember he was just a
And it was a
(KNOCKING)
- Ooh, good morning!
- TINA: Oh.
Tina, I'm bringing back
your Crock-Pot.
Just another way I'm using
my free time to help Gemma.
Oh. Well
Ooh. Are your hands blue?
Oh, yeah.
I'm also helping Grover
silk-screen some T-shirts.
Oh, man.
Them little soaps are whimsical.
Uh, Crutch,
this is my good friend Dave.
Oh, this man right here
needs no introduction.
Calvin, have you been talking me up?
David Schwimmer.
What?
Why didn't you tell me you was friends
with a Friend?
Oh, no. Sir, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not It's not
- I'm not - Da-David.
- Dave.
- Don't bother.
- Just go with it. It's better.
See how these boards are all warped?
- Yeah.
- That's from salt air.
Your house is too close
to the big ocean.
Well, Crutch, it's a beach house.
That's actually considered a positive.
Go figure.
California.
Anyway, I ordered you
some oak wood flooring.
But now?
I think that you might want
some engineered hardwood.
But don't worry about it
I'll get it for you at cost.
- Okay, well, that's good, right?
- But it might take
a day or two
to arrive from the warehouse.
But don't worry.
I have someplace to stay,
and I'll have time
to go see the big donut
and the place where Whoopi
Goldberg put her dreadlocks
in the cement.
Okay. Well, uh, now
that my floors are all torn up,
- I guess I need a place to stay, too.
- Mm.
Well, you're welcome to bunk
with me at your pop's house.
Uh, you should know that he
likes to sleep in the nude.
And go to the kitchen that way, too.
- Hey, Dad.
- (CHUCKLES): Hey!
- Are you taking a break?
- No.
Actually, I've already done
seven this morning.
Oh, that's great,
'cause I just got an order for 24.
Ooh, that's exciting, buddy.
Yeah. Um
Hey, is
is this one, uh, for practice?
There something wrong with it?
No, uh it's fine.
Like, I can tell you were tired, so
What? Okay, you know,
look, I-I can redo it.
Oh, could you?
That'd be great. Thank you.
Uh, that one, too.
Hey, Dave.
While you're at the drugstore,
I need you to get me some concealer.
Well, I'm gonna need
a little more detail than that.
You know what kind of concealer I use.
I'm only vaguely aware
of the concept of concealer.
Just get my old one
out of the cabinet.
Come on, Grover. We got to go.
Love you. Bye.
This one, too.
Crutch, were you up early watching TV?
Yeah.
I'm on East Coast time.
Well, what was so funny
at 4:00 in the morning?
Your boy David Schwimmer on Friends.
He look different.
I think he had work done.
Oh, my goodness.
What the hell, Calvin?
It's freezing in here.
The thermostat's at 62 degrees.
I'm a hot sleeper.
You know something? You two
have been so gracious to me.
How about letting me
make you breakfast?
Who wants some of my famous waffles?
- Oh
- Oh, okay. Well, that's
nice of you, Crutch. Thank you.
It's the least I can do.
- Oh.
- Yes.
- Oh, babe, I remember when we were kids.
- Mm.
- Crutch's waffles fantastic.
- (TRUCK BACKUP ALARM BEEPING)
Ooh, okay.
(BRAKES HISSING)
Oh.
Yeah, it's, uh, the delivery truck.
I think the engineered wood is here.
Oh, hallelujah.
Where's your toaster?
You know, I don't think
all this stuff is gonna fit.
That's okay.
We can make another trip.
Maybe tomorrow.
Oh, hell no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
No!
No, let's get this done today. I mean,
let's just load up
my beautiful Subaru Solterra.
Look, she got all kinds of room.
S-See?
Huh. I never pictured you
driving a EV.
What is that supposed to mean?
Electric vehicle.
Calvin?
All right, all right, all right.
Come on, let's just load it up.
Yeah, I don't know.
You sure this car can make it
all the way to the beach?
Are you kidding me?
With the range on this baby,
I could drive all the way to Mexico.
We should go to Cancún.
Do floors tomorrow.
No. O-Okay, o-okay,
how-how about this?
You do the floors today
and then I take you
to Roscoe's in East L.A.
You won't know the difference. Okay?
- Deal.
- Okay. (CHUCKLES)
Even though they waffles
ain't as good as mine.
CRUTCH: Ah!
This is the life.
How many fish you think are in there?
I don't know, Crutch.
It's the Pacific Ocean.
How about you come in here and help us
- and we can count fish later?
- Yeah.
Malcolm, you owe me for this.
I am not built for manual labor. Ow!
See? Splinter.
- Ow!
- CALVIN: Okay, okay.
I'm gonna say two million.
(SIGHS, SPUTTERS)
I see what you were trying to do.
So you don't like 'em?
They're getting better.
It's just
(SIGHS) When people buy a Grover,
they expect
a certain level of quality.
Okay. Grover,
I'm doing the best I can.
I mean, look at my hands.
They're all cramped up.
They look like blue claws.
I mean, I get it. I get it.
It's just (SIGHS)
These new orders are from juniors.
Okay? So it's one thing to sell
subpar shirts to freshmen,
but this
whatever this is,
it's-it's not gonna fly
with the juniors.
Hmm.
Oh. Let me guess
the concealer's wrong.
Well, it's just the color.
This is frosted linen.
I use almond pearl.
They looked exactly the same.
I have peach undertones.
(SCOFFS) But it's okay.
It's okay. You didn't know.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I can only do so much.
Okay, this one's
definitely a freshman shirt.
Oh, God.
Oh. What now?
It's fine. It's just I asked you
for a shampoo and conditioner,
and you got me shampoo-conditioner.
What am I missing?
The "and."
I'm sorry that your husband
is not Vidal Sassoon.
Is that another one
of your boomer friends?
I am an elder millennial!
And you are taking advantage
of my generosity.
But no more!
(DOOR OPENS)
I did not mean
to slam the door that hard.
But I am still quite upset.
It's like whatever I do
for them, it's never enough.
Get the dry cleaning.
Make these T-shirts.
Become a shampoo expert.
So you ran away from home?
No, Tina.
Running away from home
is for children.
I stormed out.
Like a man.
Ah, ah! Don't move.
This area is still wet.
Man, I tell you,
these floors are solid.
Ain't no crabs getting in here.
Great.
Malcolm, you owe me a mani-pedi.
What? Why am I getting your toes done?
It's cheaper to do the set.
Once all that sealant dries, Malcolm,
you'll be able to Cha-Cha Slide
on these floors, man.
- Hey!
- Oh, yes!
And look at the time!
Crutch, you are in luck.
You could be able to catch
your red-eye.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Flag on the play, guys.
What-what-what flag? What flag?
This ain't gonna work.
- Why?
- The sealant was for the original wood.
Look at the streaks.
What streaks? Uh, what streaks?
I don't see no streaks. What?
You can't see,
because when it come to floors,
you don't have the professional eye.
But that's okay.
It's gonna take a few days.
I'm just glad I'm getting used
to your hard bed.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.
You staying?
- He's staying?
- Okay.
All right. Let-let-let me
just talk to him.
- Crutch, what's going on, man?
- Get on that.
Nothing.
The floors, they just not right.
Come on, these floors are beautiful.
And-and when it comes to flooring,
you don't make mistakes.
Not on the East Coast.
But due to the time change
and your house being so hot
Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
I know what this is.
See, this is what you always do
whenever you don't want
to do something.
What? You crazy.
Am I?
I mean, you've been doing this
since we were kids, man.
This reminds me when you were
afraid to play tackle football
and told your daddy
you had geriatric arthritis.
You were nine.
Fine.
- You got me.
- Okay.
The truth is,
been running from my problems,
just like TV's Ross.
You guys, again, I stormed out.
Been married so long.
When Jeanette passed,
just got lonely.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Aw, Crutch.
I'm sorry.
I mean, well, what about your kids?
My daughter's in Minnesota.
My son's off in law school.
We don't have what you have here.
I got used to being around family.
Guess I was just trying
to make the feeling last.
- Come on, man. We got you, cuz, man.
- We're your family.
- You can always FaceTime us.
- Yeah.
Yeah, man.
So my floors are finished?
Wrong with you?
Um
we love you, cuz.
- Yes.
- TINA: Yes.
Crutch, you know what, take your time.
- You can stay as long as you like.
- Yeah.
Till Sunday.
Okay, come on, y'all.
Let's get out of here.
All right.
No, no, no, no.
Not you, David Schwimmer.
You have to wait
for that sealant to dry.
How long is that gonna take?
About two, three hours.
All right, now, we gonna see you
at the house, Dave.
Yeah, see you later.
You know, your cousin Crutch
can be a handful,
but I'm-a miss him.
Yeah. You know, me, too.
And he did save us a few bucks
on those new floors.
I just don't know how he managed
to spend $300 at Roscoe's.
(CHUCKLES) I do.
This suitcase is full
of chicken and waffles.
What?
Hey, Dad.
Um
Look, I-I really felt bad
when you ran away from home.
Grover, I stormed out.
That's not really how it came off.
But
regardless, um,
I'm sorry I rode you so hard
about the shirts.
I was not a good boss.
Son, you were not my boss.
Well, not to worry,
because I fixed my production issue.
Um, I'm outsourcing my silk-screening
to a bunch of eighth graders who
will do it for 50 cents a shirt.
Grover, that's, like,
two dollars an hour.
Yeah, that's why I didn't
go to the math kids.
Dave, I just want you to know
how much I appreciate
all you've been doing for us.
And if I haven't said it
You haven't said it.
Well, I just said it.
Okay, well
I forgive you.
- Aw.
- Can you not?
- How do you think we made you?
- It's so normal.
- Hey, hey, cuzzo!
- (CHUCKLES)
You ready to go?
- Yep.
- (CHUCKLES)
Been fun, but I got to go home.
- Aw.
- Need to feed my snake
or I won't have a cat.
Wow!
Lisa Kudrow!
You guys are friends in real life?
- Just go with it.
- Oh.
It's been great seeing you, Crutch.
Yeah, you know, I hope it's
not so long till the next time.
Well, it doesn't have to be.
You know, my son Jake
is graduating from law school.
Y'all two should come.
Oh, my God. To New York?
Oh, yeah. I'm in.
I mean, shopping, Broadway show,
room service, shopping.
- Well
- Oh, my God.
I mean, you know,
I already spent a lot of money
on these new floors, so
- Oh, come on.
- I mean, it's got to be
the most expensive hookup
I've ever gotten.
But Calvin, you keep saying
how important family is.
Right, Crutch?
Absolutely.
Huh.
I'm gonna go book it right now.
Ha!
See what you did?
You know what?
I hope TSA confiscate every breast,
thigh, and wing you got in there.
sync & corrections awaqeded