The Goldbergs s08e05 Episode Script

1
Ah, the phones of the '80s;
kitschy, colorful and enormous.
And my dad hated all of them.
Especially when he couldn't
get through to the house.
A busy signal?!
Oh, what kind of Chatty Charlie
is hogging the line?!
Piece of crap garbage children!
If you met them, you'd know!
But then we got the cutting-edge tech
that would end
the busy signal forever
call waiting.
I love you more than the
Cookie Monster loves cookies.
Whoa, that's a lot.
Is that your call waiting?
Let me get rid of them.
Goldbergs.
And if this is for Barry,
he's instructed me to say
"Wassup, girl."
I've been calling for ten minutes!
- Didn't you hear the beep?
- Oh, sorry, Dad.
Put your mom on.
Who knew there was more
than one kind of onion?
Mom, Dad's calling, but make it fast
'cause I'm talking to Brea!
Just a sec, Schmoopie Poops.
I'm adding some flavor
to my Swedish meatballs.
Dad, it's gonna be a while.
Let me get back to Brea.
No, no, no, don't you do the click over.
Ooh, my finger's already in motion.
Sorry, my love.
My dumb dad was on the line.
It's still me, moron!
Whoops.
- Brea?
- Hey.
Where'd he go?!
Please deposit ten cents.
Fine! I'm gonna get
every onion there is!
I will take away everything
and everyone you love forever!
Too much club, sweetie.
Well, then, fine!
I'll throw your bedroom into the ocean!
Moving closer, but still a miss.
All right, I will remove
all of your precious phones!
Mom, talk to your husband.
We need phones.
What if there's a medical emergency?
There will be
if you don't move out of my way!
Dad!
Okay, Murray, there's too much slack.
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was November 18th, 1980-something,
and the Jenkintown Posse
was back in action.
Your lives may begin again!
Your magnetic and voluptuous
leader has returned!
- JTP!
- JTP!
Hmm, the place seems different.
Where's all the sadness
and stench of a litter box
even though there's no cat?
Oh, Erica's been helping them
spruce the place up.
Mostly, it's just cleaning.
Did you know that there was
a fireplace behind the gum wall?
Okay, emergency JTP announcements.
One, I am now single
and free to hang around the clock.
Two, turn this place back
into the filthy hell I love.
Dude, they can't live in a dump.
They have girlfriends now.
Oh, please!
These loveless, unlovable dummies
don't have love
in their love-deprived lives.
But we do.
I met Beth when she came in The Gap
looking for a fitted cable knit sweater,
and she left with my heart.
Dear Penthouse letters, I have
a story you'll never use.
My special lady is Gwen.
Her purity ring says no,
but her anger at her father says yes.
Gwen sounds like a poor man's Beth.
I've recently begun a dalliance
with Laura.
She embraces my nudist lifestyle
but asks that I put a towel
down on her couch.
Sounds like you guys got
a pretty good poker hand:
three fives.
Now let's go to the Wawa
and play some classic JTP smash ball.
Is that where you smash fruit
with swords and tennis racquets,
and the guy who works there
spends hours hosing it down?
Erica knows her sports.
Ah, we're gonna need a rain check, man.
We have a quadruple date at Bennigan's.
Our ladies like to day drink
in a funky atmosphere.
But article nine of the JTP bylaws
states that all members
must heed the wishes
of its most jacked leader. Me.
I don't remember signing off
on that one.
That's because it was just added.
The JTP Constitution
is a living document.
Yeah, these rules seem to change
based on your arbitrary whims.
Naked Rob gets it.
Now let's grab a weapon
and smash some stuff.
I call whatever this is!
Ooh, that's our decorative river cane.
Let's Let's leave that be.
Now I'm angrier than Gwen at her father.
Damn it! I learned her name. Let's move!
While Barry forced the JTP to hang,
I was without a phone
and forced to connect with Brea
the old-fashioned way
pen and paper.
"Brea, my light, my heart"
"is laid bare before you.
I give you all of me,
and in return I require nothing
but to see your smile
more glorious than any sunrise."
Okay, Shakespeare we were not,
but these were sweet nothings
shared between just the two of us.
"My dearest sweet Adam"
"you are my sun and my moon."
And apparently my mom.
"Until our lips meet again, I am lost.
I can't wait until we are
eternally bonded in marriage.
Man and wife."
Oh, no!
[Bleep] no!
Murray, turn off your best friend!
We got a problem!
Is that the electric bill?
Because I told those kids,
"Hey, you don't open that refrigerator
until you know what you want!"
It's Adam and Brea's love letters.
They're discussing marriage!
They've only known each other
like a week.
They've been dating for over a year.
She came to Miami with us.
Ah! I know who you're talking about.
Big girl, like 6 feet,
blonde hair, 200 pounds,
big wine-stain birthmark on her face.
No! And who is that?
They're already tossing around
names for their children.
They want to name their son Cameron.
My first instinct is to do nothing.
I'm gonna go with that.
You're not shocked by any of this?
Nah. My first girlfriend?
I told her I would die for her.
We broke up a week later.
Just found out she died.
Nobody cares about
your old, dead trollops.
I'm worried about Adam.
My point is, young couples
say all sorts of dumb stuff.
Well, what if this isn't just stuff?
This girl could be
our future daughter-in-law.
- We barely know her.
- We know her
big girl with
the Gorbachev thing on her face.
That's very specific.
- Who are you thinking of?
- I don't know.
But why are we on the hook for all this?
Call up her parents and let them
destroy young hearts.
That's a great idea, Murray.
Except we don't have a phone
to call them!
So go down the street
and use the pay phone
like I do to order calzones.
Why am I the only one with good ideas?
As my mom thought of ways
to reach out to Brea's parents,
the JTP were returning to their roots.
They sliced stuff.
Piña colada!
They crushed stuff.
- Ohh!
- Told ya!
Then they blew stuff up.
Whoo!
That was bananas!
Firecrackers and wordplay!
This is the best!
This seems like
a natural stopping point.
I gotta boogie. You know
how Erica gets when I'm tardy.
Yeah, I should go too.
- Same.
- Me too.
But I have a long list
of other fun things to destroy.
We love you, bud, but our lovely ladies
are waiting for us.
Well, I'm afraid you've given me
no choice
but to order you to break up
with your girlfriends.
You can't do that.
Oh, but I can.
Tell Linda, Essie and Ginzy it's over.
Those aren't their names,
and we're not gonna do that.
We like them a lot.
More than me, your best friend?
- Well
- It's not the same.
Their hugs are different.
Oh, get over here!
There's not a lady alive
I can't out-hug.
Bar, if anyone should understand
why we wanna spend time
with our girlfriends, it's you.
Yeah, you totally disappeared
when you were dating Ren and Lainey.
Hmm. This all makes sense now.
As long as you have love in your life,
you won't ever have time for me.
Awesome. Your tone is ominous,
but I'm glad we could figure this out.
Oh, it's figured.
It's figured but good.
Hey, get back here and clean this up!
While Barry cooked up
a surprise for the JTP,
I got a surprise visit
from my girlfriend's mom.
- Hey, Adam.
- Mrs. Bee?!
What are you doing here in my home
where my dubious family resides?
You okay? You seem
a little startled to see me.
Oh, not too startled, I hope.
Adam tends to get a leaky fuel line
under the smallest amount of pressure.
- What?
- We're talking oil and gas.
Mom! It was one Fourth of July!
I see. Uh, your mom invited me over
to get to know each other,
and I already feel like I know too much.
Excuse us for a sec.
Why is my girlfriend's mom here?
Well, you've been dating a long time,
and you are her sun and moon.
You read my letters! Those are private!
You should know that nothing
in this house is private.
That's why I took the doors
off the bathrooms.
You said the handyman was painting them.
And to be clear: no grandson of mine
is gonna be named Cameron.
We're also considering Joshua.
I've already got
your kids' names picked out.
The boys will be Eli, Jacob and Samuel.
And the twins will be named
Sasha and Lily.
- Five kids?
- Don't worry.
I'll be there the whole time
to help out.
I'm home!
Doesn't mean it's the start
of a conversation.
Dad! Put your pants back on!
Vicki Bee is here!
- The principal?
- No, Murray, I'm Brea's mom.
It's nice to finally meet you.
I'm sorry.
I wish somebody would've called
and let me know I'd be
uncomfortable in my own home.
We would have except Murray
got rid of all the phones.
Because this moron was
constantly tying up the line,
talking to his moron girlfriend!
Whose mom is right here!
Great, we're practically family.
Off they go.
Yeah, Mrs. Bee in my house
was bound to be bad.
But then the craziest thing happened.
She and my mom became fast friends.
I probably shouldn't admit this but
I took a teeny peek at one of
Adam and Brea's love letters.
- I read 'em all.
- Me too.
It was a little upsetting.
So tell me, how do we pull the reins
on their stupid,
misguided, teenage love?
Maybe we talk to them as adults?
Ooh, I got one.
We trick them into thinking
that marriage
is a faulty, loveless institution
that yields no permanent joy
or happiness.
Oh, I've already done that.
Oh?
Brea's dad and I went through
a nasty split.
- Wasdatnow?
- Yeah, we're divorced.
Yep, back in the day,
people were uncomfortable
with the "D" word.
- Oh.
- My mom was definitely one of them.
- Wow.
- Truthfully, it ended up being
the best thing for everyone.
With that, my mom realized
Mrs. Bee's past might affect my future.
So she did this.
Murray, we've got to break up
Adam and Brea!
Damn right!
That lady's way too old for him.
My mom was upset over the news
of Vicki's divorce,
- and my dad wasn't helping.
- So this doesn't bother you?
She's divorced, big deal.
So you don't care
about Adam splitting with Brea
and only seeing his children
half the time?
So help me, if she takes those
little munchkins out of state,
I will kidnap them!
So you think Brea will divorce Adam
just because her mom is divorced?
Yes. Children repeat
the mistakes of their parents.
We have to stop Adam.
Stop me from doing what?
Oh, baby, sit down.
We have some upsetting news about Brea.
Brea's mother, Vicki
is divorced.
What are you saying?
Divorced.
Still can't hear you.
- Dee. Vorced.
- The Force?
- Dee. Vorced.
- From "Star Wars"?
- Divorced.
- What are you saying?
Divorced!
The woman is divorced!
Oh. Yeah, I know.
That harpy told you
about her broken marriage?
No, I kinda figured it out
when her dad lived in a different house.
Without his family?
Is he ever not smiling?
Adam, let me tell you a story.
No. I don't wanna hear
how your aunt's handyman's mom
got divorced and now she's living
in a giant soup can.
It was my manicurist's roof guy
who lost so much in his split
that they turned his water off
and he had to bathe in a lake.
Snapping turtles took his toes, lips
and a nice chunk of one buttock,
and now he's got to sit crotch down.
None of that happened to any person.
I only bring this up
because you and Brea
have been discussing your futures,
and I don't think that she has
the best role models.
And what do I have?
No boundaries and no bottoms.
The kid's pretty clever.
When's he gonna get a girlfriend?
Adam, you need to listen to me!
Divorce is no laughing matter!
I don't want you to be
one of those sad sacks
who has to go on dates in his thirties!
In his thirties!
Stop! Divorce isn't some horrible thing!
Just because Brea's mom is
doesn't mean it's inevitable for us.
Okay, so you're not gonna listen to me.
Maybe you'll listen to one
of your esteemed heroes.
You think these bozos are my heroes?
It's the best I could do.
Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.
We didn't agree.
This is a hostage situation.
Well, while we're waiting for help,
let's find out more about you people.
I'd prefer to keep
my private life private.
Oh, not me. I talked about my gout
on a sports call-in show this morning.
- What do you want to know?
- Dale, are you currently married?
Nope, split as the pea soup I eat alone
in my bachelors-only building.
Your divorce must have been difficult.
Actually, it was the best.
- What?
- Yup. I was finally free
from the lies about why our carpenter
was always wearing my bathrobe
or coming with me and Gretchen
on vacation.
Ignore him.
Ball, you're a tragic divorcé, right?
Happily married
for thirty glorious years.
But you always seem so bald
and miserable.
This going how you thought
it was gonna go?
Fine. Surely you have
tragic tales of dating.
Au contraire.
The pool of unattached
older gals is deep.
Desperate, widowed bitties
want attention.
And I'm just the young buck
to give it to 'em.
Enough. No one cares
if Brea's mom is divorced.
Brea Bee's hot mom is on the market?
Tell her I have
most of my original teeth.
Well, excuse me
for wanting to protect you.
Protect him from what?!
He's never gonna do better
than Brea Bee. Ever.
I mean, ever.
It's true.
We spend hours in the teachers' lounge
trying to figure out how he
landed her in the first place.
My guess is she got hit on the head
and it damaged the part of her brain
that processes odd shapes.
This is starting to feel personal.
It is. Ha!
While my mom's plan
to break up me and Brea broke down,
Barry was planning
a few breakups of his own,
one JTP member at a time.
Good afternoon, it's Matt Bradley.
Hi, Matt Bradley, it's your girlfriend.
Beth? You sound weird.
You sound weird!
Which is one of the reasons
why I'm breaking up with you.
Don't look for answers.
Byeeee!
One down
three to go.
Yep, he used every trick
in the breakup book,
like the Dear John letter.
"Dear Rob, it's over.
Sincerely, Naked Rob's girlfriend.
Don't look for answers."
The intimidating home-wrecker.
- Andy Cogan?
- Yeah?
I'm your romantic rival,
and I have easily claimed
your girlfriend.
What? But you're a turtlenecked child!
A turtlenecked child with
a fresh twenty in his pocket!
- What?
- Don't look for answers.
And for Geoff, he straight-up lied.
- Oh, hey, Barry. What's up?
- Terrible news.
I just talked to my sister.
She said she doesn't want
to see you again.
- Oh, my God! What?!
- Don't look for answers.
While Barry's lies stunned the JTP,
my mom was about to face
a very angry Mrs. Bee.
Vicki! To what do I owe this
Cut the crap, Beverly.
Did you tell Dale Woodburn
that I was single and ready to swingle?
Not in those words.
He just called and asked me
to be his date
to his cousin's sobriety anniversary.
Meeting the family!
Wow, you move fast!
I'm not going anywhere with him!
Only one side of his body sweats.
That's called Harlequin syndrome.
It's a real nervous disorder.
And I would think
you'd be more sympathetic
given your situation.
My situation?
Meaning I'm divorced?
Something you're clearly
not comfortable with.
I have no issue, zero,
with the fact that you are divorced.
Then why can't you say it?
Please!
Give me a soap box and a megaphone!
You are divorced.
Here's something I have
no problem saying:
you're crazy.
Your whole family is crazy!
How dare you?!
That is something that you whisper!
Why? The whole world should know.
Your husband doesn't wear pants.
- And?
- And he threw out all your phones.
- And?
- And you dragged your son to school
to scare him with
the marital woes of the faculty!
That's a good one.
- Mom?
- What's going on?
Uh, what's going on is we're leaving.
- But But
- Let's go!
What. Did. You. Do?
Nothing!
She called our family crazy
for some reason.
For all the reasons!
It's well established you're
a mentally deranged crackpot!
Schmoo, don't be upset.
I'm just looking out
for your best interests.
Best interests?
I thought you read my letters.
Brea is my everything.
No one who really cared about me
would try to take that away.
While my mom was divorced from reality,
Barry was ready to hang
with the newly single JTP.
There they are.
I heard the news
about all four of your lovers
leaving you simultaneously.
But fear not, I've come bearing gifts.
Yeah, Bar, how exactly did you hear
about our girlfriends dumping us?
You know, the campus grapevine.
General scuttlebutt.
While I do like to gab,
I think of myself as a listener.
Check it.
Used road flares, huh?
Dude, our ladies didn't
actually break up with us.
Denial. People don't want
to hear the truth,
but it's best to accept it and move on.
Cheggit: "Look Who's Talking."
It's a baby who's talking, that's who.
Nice try, dumbass.
This is low even for you.
Geoff, you took this strumpet
back after what she did?!
Barry, I didn't cheat on him!
Oh, don't play her games!
She knows what she did!
Barry, we know you're behind
this and we can prove it.
Sorry, Barry.
Even though this guy wears sandals,
he's quick like a rabbit.
I want my 20 dollars back.
Long gone, muchacho.
Like me.
Enjoy whatever this is.
Fine! You got me.
Another Barry prank for the ages.
First we laugh, now we make up
over Hawaiian pizza.
No, thanks.
This time you went too far, man.
Only because I wanted
to hang out with you guys.
And watch the romantic
ups and downs of a new mom
as seen through the cynical eye
of a talking baby.
Why would we want to hang out
with someone
who'd try to hurt us?
We're gonna go be with our ladies.
See ya around, Big Tasty.
Come on.
Geoff, come on.
Wait!
Barry's attempts to free the JTP
from the bonds of their
girlfriends had been fruitless.
The same could not be said
about the Wawa parking lot.
Uch.
That tastes nothing like Sprite.
Thought I'd find ya here.
You playin' some smash ball?
I tried, but I have no one to play with,
so I'm just eating the fruit.
Yeah, I see you munching
on that lime there.
- How's that treating you?
- Not so good.
Neither are the three grapefruits,
basket of blackberries,
six mushy plums, half a mango,
and something called a jackfruit.
I'm starting to think the seeds
weren't edible.
Oh, no! Barry, that is
way too much fruit!
No, I deserve the terrible gas,
bloating,
and pins-and-needles feeling in my feet.
I'm a terrible friend.
I mean, it wasn't great.
Why can't you just be happy for them?
I am.
I love those guys.
It's just they've always been
there when I needed them.
And for the first time they're not.
That's not true.
Bar, haven't I always been there
for you?
- Yeah.
- Look, you can still be a good friend
while being in a relationship.
- What's the secret?
- No secret.
You just got to work hard at both.
And always make sure no one forgets
how much they mean to you.
Are you saying I should go to them?
They're on a group date right
now at the mini golf course.
- So maybe it can wait till
- I will go to them! Thank you, Geoff.
And so Barry ran to his friends.
But my mom couldn't run
from how I really felt
about my girlfriend.
Whatcha doing?
Torturing myself.
Adam writes that
he will never love anyone
as much as he loves Brea.
You think he means it?
Yeah, right now he does, sure.
Well, if he and Brea are in it
for the long haul,
we've got some awkward holidays ahead.
I offended Vicki Bee.
Well, just call her and apologize.
How? We have no phone.
I missed having something to slam.
Thanks.
But this is probably something
I should do in person.
Sometimes we get so caught up
in what's best
for the people we love,
we do crazy things.
Listen!
I need to say something,
but not to you guys.
To them, the girlfriends.
Yeah, Bar
You three may not know it,
but you are the luckiest ladies
on the planet.
All right? Let me give you some advice.
Cherish these men
and all that make them unique.
Like how irate Andy gets when
you use his tiny back scrubber.
Do you mean my toothbrush?
Accept them as they are.
Because if you don't
you'll lose them.
And that's a terrible feeling.
Um, Barry, these girls aren't
their girlfriends.
What do you mean?
Okay.
Who remembers what I just said?
We all do.
JTP.
JTP!
Yeah, there's lots of different ways
to say you're sorry.
But when it comes from the
heart, that's all that matters.
- Looking for Adam?
- You, actually.
I want to apologize for everything.
I have no right to judge you.
I'm sorry.
Thanks.
Look, I have a lot of big,
sometimes-stupid ideas
about what a traditional family
is supposed to be.
But you're a great mom.
You couldn't raise a girl as
amazing as Brea if you weren't.
Well, Adam's not too bad himself.
My body made his body.
That's something someone says
to another person.
It's just, if our kids are gonna
be in each other's lives,
it would be nice if we could
make it work, too.
For our kids, we'd both do anything.
Come on in.
That's the thing. No family is perfect.
But it's our differences
that make us unique.
This makes me nervous.
I'm terrified.
And when you combine those differences
with a whole lot of love,
it goes a long way.
In the end, that's what strengthens
all the relationships in our lives,
no matter what,
'cause when you got people who love
and care and celebrate you,
it's a hole in one.
So, I'm here with the real Brea,
who you saw playing her own mother.
Is it just weird
to play your own mother?
It's super weird.
You and Adam really did date
in high school.
Did you guys actually write
those letters?
It is true.
We did date during high school
and we wrote a lot of letters
to each other.
Now, I happen to have
an actual letter right here.
- Oh, no.
- "I feel like your soul
and my soul have become one.
When I'm not with you,
I feel like I'm dying.
It's almost like I need you to live."
I mean, that's normal, right?