The Neighborhood (2018) s08e05 Episode Script

1
♪
Mmm.
Babe, you did your thing
with this pot roast.
- Yeah, Mom.
- Aw. Thank you,
but as usual, I made too much.
Well, Miss Tina, if you don't mind,
I'd be happy to take
the rest of this to the shelter.
- That is so sweet.
- Yeah.
(SCOFFS)
Yes. Yes, it is.
And, uh, which shelter
are you taking it to?
The Cresthaven men's shelter.
- Oh.
- That's his apartment, Tina.
Uh mm-mm.
Malcolm, you know the rules.
No phones at the dinner table.
(SIGHS) I'm sorry, Mama. I'm just,
I'm waiting on a work email.
- Oh.
- Yep, that's right, son. Family first.
Hell yeah!
"Hell yeah" what?
"Hell yeah" family first.
- That's right.
- Mm-hmm.
TINA: That's right.
Mama, Daddy's watching
the basketball game.
- Wow.
- What?
- You got to be kidding me.
- Baby (STAMMERS)
See, that's why Malcolm's my favorite.
And that's why I snitched.
(MUTTERS)
Malcolm, why are you getting
work emails at 7:00 at night?
Because the emails are coming
from Dubai tomorrow morning.
- Who's in Dubai?
- Mercedes.
The, um, real housewife
that I'm ghostwriting for.
She's celebrating
her divorce in Dubai,
so the whole cast is there.
She's divorcing Garnett already?
He-he was her soulmate.
Oh, my God,
this season is gonna be so good.
Well, apparently my book
is not going to be good.
I'm getting all these notes
from her people
saying that I'm not
"capturing her voice."
Ah. Well, here's an idea.
Watch her damn show.
Why? I already watched, like,
a hundred viral clips.
- Mm.
- All it is is a bunch of rich women
who don't do anything, Ma.
Just brunch and Pilates,
brunch and Pilates.
No, I'm not ghostwriting
her autobiography.
It's a romance novel.
Malcolm, you have to watch
her show to get her essence.
She has layers.
All right, fine.
I will watch the show.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
You got to be kidding me.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
Amen. Amen.
Calvin.
Give me the damn phone.
Oh
That-that's my phone.
Cal-Calvin,
you-you got to get it back.
I'm in the doghouse, Trey.
Did you see where she put it?
It's gonna be at least a week
before I get anything out of there.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
♪
Hey, honey.
Uh, can't help noticing
you have a dogsled.
Yes, I do, Dave.
Remember that silent auction at school
where I asked you to start
the bidding on a few things
to get people excited?
Well, it didn't get them so excited,
so here we are.
I do remember. You know
this is from the movie Snow Dogs.
Signed by Cuba Gooding Jr.
Can't believe it went
for the minimum bid.
Oh, not just that. We also got
a hot air balloon ride in Ojai,
a full-body skin cancer check
Ooh, this one might actually be fun.
A four-person box
at the Hollywood Bowl.
Box seats. I've always wanted
to know what it would feel like
to sit in the lap of luxury.
What-what is it? Ooh, I hope
it's a Grease sing-along.
You could be Sandy, I could be Rizzo.
Why wouldn't you be Danny?
I don't know, Rizzo speaks to me.
Okay.
Well, it's not Grease, it is
"Tchaikovsky Under the Stars."
Oh.
Well, he's good, I guess.
We're always saying
that we want to see
- more classical music.
- We do.
And it's free.
I-I mean, it was $350,
but we already spent it,
so now it's free.
Dave? Is that a dogsled?
Ooh. It's not just any dogsled.
Perhaps you remember
the movie Snow Dogs?
Oh, yeah, the one
with the Saint Bernard.
The No, that's Beethoven.
Is that the big red dog?
That's Clifford the Big Red Dog.
Okay, if you say so.
Well, Gemma's school
had a silent auction.
Got a pretty sweet haul.
Including a box at the Hollywood Bowl.
- Oh, now, that's cool.
- Isn't it? I mean, it's Tchaikovsky.
Otherwise, we would have
invited you and Tina.
"Otherwise"?
What do you mean, "otherwise"?
Well, it's Tchaikovsky. It's classical.
Yeah, I know who Tchaikovsky is.
Oh. Well, I just, I didn't think
that was your thing.
Oh, not our thing?
What, because Tina and I
are too uncultured
to like classical music?
Is that it, Dave?
No, no. No, look,
I-I just had always thought of you
as more of a-a jazz, soul
L'il Side Baby type of guy.
Oh, okay, okay, now I get it.
Thanks for clarifying.
What, do you just picture me
standing over a trash can fire
warming my hands singing doo-wop?
Doo woo ♪
No, come on.
Calvin, I didn't say that.
Well, you didn't have to.
Eh, a lowbrow like me
couldn't possibly appreciate
classical music
the way a sophisticate like you does.
Ha. I got it.
Calvin, I didn't mean it like that.
You know what? Why don't
you and Tina come with us?
You know what? We will.
Great. Looking forward to a night
of Tchaikovsky.
Oh, yeah.
(DOOR OPENS)
Tina, do you want to hear the crap
that just came out of Dave's mouth?
Is this about black spatulas
being toxic again?
I am not replacing all my spatulas.
No.
Dave got tickets
to the Hollywood Bowl,
but didn't invite us
because he assumed
that we don't like classical music.
How ignorant is that?
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, do you want to hear
something crazy?
Calvin wants to go
to that concert with us.
Really?
Yeah, you know,
you think you somebody.
Turns out, he loves classical music.
I hate classical music.
Then why are we going?
Because he assumes
that we don't want to go.
I mean, Dave thinks
he's more cultured than us
because he likes music with a clarinet
and that big-ass violin.
Cellos?
No, babe, you know, the-the violin.
The big one, they put it on the floor.
With-with the pointy leg.
You know
That's definitely a cello.
Good. Good, good.
You know what? I can't wait
to let his ass know I know that.
Oh, well, it'll be fun
to have them along.
Remember, we always talked about
going to see more classical music.
Yeah, and yet you notice
we never actually went?
(DAVE SIGHS)
Look, truth is
I'm not into that stuff.
You know, my mom used to
make me go, but only because
her special friend Steve
played the French horn.
So just give them all four tickets.
And let Calvin think
that I'm some sort of bumpkin?
No way. We have to go.
We have to go, Tina.
- Why?
- To make a point.
Just because we don't happen
to like classical music
doesn't mean that we aren't
classical music people.
That's exactly what it means.
Wow.
- Whose side are you on?
- What?
♪
So you and Calvin will bring
sandwiches to the concert,
and Dave will bring
a charcuterie board.
Oh. Is Dave going to do
all those weird origami things
with the cold cuts?
He sure is. You know Dave
loves his meat flowers.
- Tina.
- Yeah?
Brought back your Tupperware.
Hey, any chance
you made lasagna last night?
Get away from me.
I'll just put these on the table.
Okay, so let's talk wine.
Mm. Well, we'll be at the Bowl
for like three hours.
How many bottles should we bring?
For classical music? A case.
(LAUGHING): What?
It's not gonna be that bad.
- TINA: Mm.
- Look, if you want to have
a good time at something boring,
my extensive research suggests
you should take gummies.
Gummies, huh?
Well, it's an idea.
But should we?
- I mean, we have to.
- We can't.
- It's fine.
- But we could.
- We'll have wine, too.
- I don't know.
Let's go.
Look look, I'm telling you,
it's gotten me through a lot of things
that I didn't want to go to.
Oh. Gemma, we are doing it.
(GASPS) We're so bad.
Trey, do you know any dealers?
Dealers? This is California.
There's five weed shops on Marengo.
Hey, look. Tell them Trey sent you,
you'll get ten dollars off.
(GASPS) Which one?
Any one of them.
♪
Oh, good news.
The tickets came with a parking pass.
Uh, just so you know, it is stacked.
- So?
- I'm just saying, if you want
to leave the concert early,
you won't be able to.
Are you saying that you want
to leave early, Dave?
No, no, no.
No, not me. Don't be silly.
I can't get enough Tchaikovsky.
Oh. Me, either.
Did you know that he died of cholera
nine days after the premiere
of his Sixth Symphony?
- Oh, yeah, no. I-I knew that.
- Yeah, it was, uh, 18, uh, 93.
Nine, nine, nine, nine 93.
Yeah, that's the year he died.
- Yeah, I'm-a pop my gummy now.
- Oh, God, yes.
(STAMMERS)
Be cool, be cool, be cool.
Dave's a narc.
(FEIGNING A COUGH): Oh. Oh, God.
That nagging cough is back.
(COUGHING)
Excuse me while I cough.
(COUGHS DRAMATICALLY)
That's better.
- Smooth. Real smooth.
- Mm. I know.
♪
All right. Here it is.
The Trophy Divas of Brentwood.
Oh, my God, there's five seasons.
Oh. Okay.
Uh, where do you want to start?
I don't really think
it matters, Marty.
How about this one? Look.
"Three Facelifts and a Funeral."
What's that even mean?
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I found it.
Mercedes' personal brand of rosé.
And it's the good stuff.
Two bottles for nine dollars.
SAVANNAH (OVER TV): Previously
on Trophy Divas of Brentwood
Don't you ever talk about
my (GLASS BREAKS) husband, you bi
MERCEDES: You mean the husband
I saw at the Rooster House last night?
Stop filming! I want a producer!
- I need a producer!
- (CROWD CLAMORING)
Oh, my God, d-did that woman
just take her wig off
and throw it in Mercedes' soup?
Okay, okay, I
I think we need to start
from the previous episode
so we can see
how we got to wig in soup.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
♪
- (CALVIN MUTTERS)
- Calvin, please.
What? I'm hungry.
Well, let me take a picture
of my charcuterie art
for my Insta first.
Oh, oh, wait, wait.
I got to put my biscotti
assortment up there.
What's that look for, Dave?
You thought I'd bring a common
cookie to a philharmonic?
(CHUCKLES) How gauche.
Okay, well, for the record,
I, too, love biscotti.
And I can't wait to hear the cello.
Who brought the black tongs?
Well, congratulations.
The platter is now contaminated.
(HUSHED): It's Mr. Ryan,
the teacher from our school.
- So?
- So? I'm high as a kite.
Well, you
you weren't just a second ago.
Well, these things
really kick in fast.
Okay, okay, okay.
Calm down, okay, Gemma?
- Okay.
- It's just in your head.
- I'm cool. I am cool.
- Be cool.
Okay.
I'm just gonna look this way
the whole concert.
Wow. Principal Johnson, Tina.
Small world.
Hello, Mr. Ryan.
So lovely to see you under the stars.
Are you also here for the concert?
Aren't we all?
- You good?
- I-I sure am.
(GEMMA LAUGHING)
He knows.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV)
- (MUSIC ENDS)
- I got to say,
that episode was a'ight.
- Yes, it was. Yeah.
- Yeah, but Mercedes was wrong
for getting on the ATV
- with London's man.
- Yeah.
But Sienna tried to warn her.
Yeah, but she's not gonna
listen to Sienna
after that fight with Savannah.
Why is every woman on this show
named after a city or a car?
(LAUGHS)
All right, you know what?
I'm glad we did that. (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS) I think I'm starting
to get a better sense
- of her personality.
- Yeah.
So, Laker game?
Hell yeah.
- (CHUCKLES): Let's go.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS OVER TV)
(CROWD EXCLAIMING OVER TV)
I wonder what's gonna happen
on Tahoe's yacht.
It's not gonna be good.
Especially after Sienna said her neck
had more lines than notebook paper.
And you know Tahoe's got them hands.
- Yeah.
- Well, I mean, look.
The Lakers are already up
by four in the second quarter.
We know how this is gonna end.
What we don't know is what's
gonna happen on that yacht.
- Turn it back!
- Come on.
One more episode.
- Somebody going overboard.
- Yeah, somebody dying today.
- Rosé me.
- Let's go.
(ORCHESTRA PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)
Mr. Ryan is going to tell everybody.
I'm done.
I'm gonna be on Dateline.
(IMITATING REPORTER):
It was a night of music
that turned into a nightmare
of drug-fueled mayhem
for the pretty principal.
Gemma!
Don't nobody know your ass.
And besides, gummies are legal.
Shh!
You shush!
You're killing my vibe.
Calvin, what is wrong with our wives?
Whoo!
Oh, I'm starving.
Oh, pepperoni flower!
Oh, my God.
Oh, oh. These cheese cubes,
they-they look just like dice.
(CHUCKLES) Come on now.
Baby need a new pair of shoes.
Did she just throw cheese at me?
Calvin, if I didn't know better,
I would say that they were high.
Calvin?
Calvin.
What, Dave? I'm in the zone here.
Do you have an earbud in?
Hey.
Give me that.
- Oh.
- The Lakers game?
Dave, you put my earbud in your ear?
That's nasty.
Tina,
you got a Wet-Nap?
(GRUFFLY): "Tina, you got a Wet-Nap?"
- Tina. You hear that?
- Huh?
Every time I talk,
I hear somebody saying
what I'm saying,
and she sounds just like me.
You know, Dave,
if I didn't know better,
I would think
our wives are high as hell.
That is what I was trying to tell you.
This is great.
They're stoned
and you're not even listening
to this boring funeral music.
Boring?
So you don't like it?
No. And neither do you.
You know, if you didn't like it,
why didn't you just tell me?
Well, that's because you assumed
I didn't like it.
And you don't.
But it's not because
I couldn't like it.
I like sophisticated stuff.
(CHUCKLES) I like biscotti.
Uh, you do?
No, they hard as hell.
Whatever.
You know what,
here's your earbud back.
I'm not putting this back in my ear.
It's got your wax on it.
And now, thanks to you,
all I got to do is just sit here
and listen to this.
I'm sorry, but will you guys
please quiet down?
We'll do you one better, Scott.
We're gonna leave.
- We're leaving. We are leaving.
- Oh, God, yes. Yes. - Oh, please.
We're in stacked parking!
Nobody's going anywhere.
Cheech, Chong, sit down.
Now Mr. Ryan definitely knows.
- RYAN, CALVIN and DAVE: Everybody knows!
- Ah!
♪
(TROPHY DIVAS OF BRENTWOOD
THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
I got to say,
Mama was right.
Mercedes does have layers.
You know, in a weird way,
I admire her resilience
- and her honesty.
- Yeah.
Okay, am I the only one
that got teary-eyed
when she sang "Hallelujah"
at her Frenchie's funeral?
No, you were not.
Pepper went way too soon.
Oh, Lord.
All right.
You know what?
I think I am ready
to write for her now.
- I can definitely hear her voice.
- Oh.
And when she's not screaming
and throwing things,
she's actually pretty interesting.
And sent. Ha-ha.
- Sent what?
- (CHUCKLES)
I just sent Savannah a DM
on Instagram.
What?
She just found out
that her husband is gay
at a dog funeral.
I got a shot.
- That is true. Yeah.
- You're not wrong.
It's-it's a long shot
(TCHAIKOVSKY'S
ROMEO AND JULIET PLAYING)
Calvin, you okay?
I'm fine.
Are you high, too?
No, Dave,
I'm just listening to the music.
You actually like this?
It's actually the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard in my life.
Really?
Okay, well,
I guess I underestimated you.
You know, your ignorance
is astounding.
- Calvin, I'm sorry. I had no
- Shh!
♪
(MUSIC BUILDS)
(WHOOPS)
Yeah, baby!
♪
(OVERTURE ENDING)
(TCHAIKOVSKY'S 1812 OVERTURE PLAYING)
Can we talk about the dinner
party with the psychic?
- Oh. Insane.
- That was the best.
Oh, Madame Rosa was uncanny.
- Yes.
- Now, look, I'm a man of science,
but Barcelona should've listened
when she predicted
- Clay would cheat on her.
- Right, right. - Oh.
With her accountability coach?
That part. That part.
See?
- I knew you guys would love it.
- Yeah.
Ooh. Speaking of which,
- you know, the reunion show just dropped.
- (GASPS)
You want to pop the rest
of these bad boys and watch it?
- Heck yeah. We are so bad.
- Hey.
(CHUCKLES)
Wait for it.
♪
(OVERTURE ENDS)
Ah.
Gets me every time.
I'm sorry, Calvin. You know,
I should've
never musically profiled you.
Well, I'm not surprised.
Calvin has always appreciated
exquisite beauty.
- Obviously.
- Mm. (CHUCKLES)
- That's right.
- (CHUCKLES)
Hey, you think I can get
Trey's, uh, phone back?
Aw, I gave it back.
But, uh,
you could fish around in there
and see what else you can find.
(CHUCKLING DEVILISHLY)
- Why?! Why?!
- Let's go, man.
♪
sync & corrections awaqeded