It Ain't Half Hot Mum (1974) s08e06 Episode Script
The Long Road Home
Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So, meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! (# Piano introduction) Who writes the words and music for all the girly shows? No one cares And no one knows Who is the handsome hero Some villain always frames? But who cares if there's a plot or not When you've got a lot of dames? What do you go for Go see a show for? Tell the truth, you go to see those beautiful dames You spend your dough for Bouquets that grow for All those cute and cunning young and beautiful dames All dames are temporary flames to you Dames, you can't recall their names, do you? But their caresses And home addresses Linger in your memory of those beautiful dames (Applause) All right, all right.
Hold your positions, fellas.
Yes, I'm gonna have to clean that up a bit.
Paderewski! It's too slow.
We're not going to start that again, are we? Round the piano, everybody.
A one, two - (# Piano intro) - 700, 800 900, 1,000.
10, 20, 30, 1, 2.
- How are you getting on? - It's difficult with all that noise.
Let me stop them, sir.
I could take them away and give them silent PT.
- Outside the camp, sir.
- Let them carry on, Sergeant Major.
It beats me why they're rehearsing.
They start for home in a few hours.
If you ask me, they likes dressing up as girls.
It isn't that.
Bombardier Beaumont wants to have a show ready for the boat.
It's a five-week journey back to England.
Chaps can get a bit bored.
I don't think it's wise to give them all that money, sir.
Well, it's their savings.
Out here in the jungle they've only been drawing about five rupees a week.
Now they want the rest and they're quite entitled to have it.
It's my experience of soldiers, sir, that once they get some money they fritter it away on drink and women.
Now, this lot being poofs that just leaves the drink.
With respect, sir, we could be turning them into alcoholics.
- Huh! - Oh, dash it, now I've lost count.
Colonel, I'm ready to give your chaps their inoculations, TAB and cholera booster.
Good.
Get them on parade.
Sir.
Right, get on parade, move yourselves.
Come on, come on, come on.
Stand still, stand still.
At ease, pay attention.
You will parade with your AB64s and unless your inoculations is duly stamped inside your AB64s, you will not get on that boat, so I don't want no protests nor excuses, fall out.
(All) Sir.
We don't mind a bit, Sergeant Major, honestly.
We're gonna be ever so brave.
Just as long as we go on that boat, you can use me as a pin cushion.
Gloria, don't let them put me in first.
They push in the front cos I'm little.
It'll be all right.
Fellas, can we let Lofty go last just this once? - Aye, sure.
- Yes.
- Thanks, Gloria.
- That's all right.
I'm in such a good mood, you could ask me for anything.
Let's be having you, then.
Move yourselves! I'm sorry they is dressed up as tarts, sir.
Oh, that's all right.
Though I expect they would've preferred a lady doctor.
Not to worry.
I injected a platoon of Burmese gorillas last week and I'm not a vet.
Right.
Bombardier.
Now then, as soon as you's had your injections, you will step up to Captain Ashwood and get your pay and credits.
- Which arm do you want, Sergeant Major? - Both of them.
Do we get a bar of chocolate, Sergeant Major? "Do we get a bar of chocolate, Sergeant Major?" No, you does not get a bar of chocolate.
Until you is demobbed, you is supposed to be soldiers and not the Ovaltinies.
- Gunner Clark, 963 rupees.
- Thank you, sir.
Don't worry, it soon wears off.
We had ours a couple of days ago.
Just think, Ah Syn.
In a few hours, we will be selling last cup of char and saying goodbye to concert party forever.
It is the saddest day of my life.
What will you do without British? They cannot live without us.
They like my Chinese cooking.
You are right.
They like me because they like my char and they can shout at me and call me rude names.
I think they'll send for us.
Oh, heavenly joy.
If I could live in England, they could shout at me and call me rude names all day.
It would be bliss.
- What time are they going? - Four o'clock.
Now, listen, Ah Syn.
I have bought beautiful goodbye presents for all concert party.
They are in village.
You come with me now and help me carry back, OK? You got a present for me? No, you ignorant coolie.
You not going nowhere.
That is Gunner Parkins, sir.
May I ask you a personal question? Speaking as a medical man, have you ever seen such a fine pair of shoulders? A fine physical specimen, sir, brave as a lion.
Mm, ow! Sensitive with it.
Get your pay, boy.
Right, last one.
- Oh.
- Sorry, sir, we're out of cholera vaccine.
There should be another couple of bottles.
There's only the one, sir.
It's cloudy and the top's faulty.
That's a bit of a bind.
Er, Colonel? I'm afraid we can't do this one.
We're out of cholera.
Well, can't you take him to GHQ, give him a jab and bring him back? Well, I'm not going back to GHQ and anyway, I haven't got any vaccine there either.
But they're flying some more in within the next couple of days.
The truck leaves in a couple of hours.
I'll miss the boat.
That's a bit hard, isn't it? Never mind.
There'll be another boat in a few weeks' time.
You'll get on that.
You've nothing urgent to get home for, have you? Anyway, I, er, have to be off.
- Safe journey home.
- Goodbye.
Thank you.
- Right, carry on, Sergeant Major.
- Sir.
Get yourselves packed.
Move yourselves.
# Goodbyee, goodbyee # Wipe the tear baby dear from your eyee # I don't know what to say, Lofty.
I just don't know what to say.
Do you know what to say, fellas? Erm Look, couldn't we smuggle him aboard in one of the costume baskets? He can't stay locked up in a basket for five weeks.
He'd get hungry.
We could feed him soup through a straw.
They might not have soup.
They might serve melon.
We could slice it up and slide it through the lid.
Supposing there was a shipwreck, though.
He wouldnae be able to escape.
Houdini did.
Maybe we could forge his AB64, make it look like ours does.
But old Shut Up and the officers know he's not been done.
Perhaps we could bribe them.
Every man has his price.
That would be more than we can manage, even if we all chipped in with everything we've got, which, speaking for myself, I'm not prepared to do.
Well, the officers should do something about it.
I mean, that's what officers are for, to do something.
Whatever gave you that idea? Lofty being left behind is a matter of supreme indifference to them.
You don't seem that concerned either.
You're not prepared to chip in.
Would you? That's not the point.
I've got it, pal.
You're the great humanitarian, right? You stay with him, keep him company.
They wouldn't let me.
Anyway, Lofty wouldn't want you to do that, would you, Lofty? I wouldn't mind.
Ashwood, have you seen my silver-backed hairbrush? - Er, no, sir, I haven't.
- I hope some loose wallah hasn't pinched it.
- The truck's due in a minute, sir.
- I shall miss this old place, Ashwood.
Drinks together in the evening as the sun went down, swapping yarns by the light of the lamp.
You're quite good company, in your own self-effacing sort of way.
Thank you, sir.
I must say, your cheerful optimism has kept me going no matter how gloomy everything may have seemed at the time.
You've been, well, you've been a chum.
Ah, thanks, Ashwood.
I hope we can get a cabin together on the boat.
Well, I don't know about that.
They're unlikely to put a captain in with a colonel but I'll try and swing it.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry, sir.
I had it all the time.
Ashwood, how often have I told you I do not like people using my hairbrush? Oh, look, there's one of your hairs on it.
I'm sorry, sir.
Look, Ashwood, there's one thing I have noticed about you and that is your total lack of consideration for other people's feelings.
You take everything too much for granted.
You never say "Can I?" or "May I?" You just take it and use it.
My toothpaste, for instance.
You thought I wouldn't notice but I noticed all right.
You squeezed the tube from the middle.
Very underhanded of you.
Well, if we're trotting out home truths, what drives me absolutely round the bend is the way you talk with your pipe in your mouth.
- What are you on about? - You see? You're doing it now! And then there's disgusting little black wet bits you keep knocking out all over the basha floor.
It's most unhygienic.
Don't be such a bloody old woman.
Oh, I'm an old woman now, am I? If I may coin a phrase, pot calling kettle black.
There's just one other you're forgetting.
Oh, yes? And what childish, petty idiosyncrasy are you going to drag up? Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
Never mind, Lofty.
I mean, you'll only be a couple of weeks behind us, four at the most.
That's not the point.
I won't be with you.
We've been together all this time and I wanted to be with you until the end.
And I won't be able to do the show on the boat.
That new number, Dames.
It's smashing.
You in your lovely dresses and me in my tails.
What do we go for Go to a show for? We go to see those wonderful dames.
I'm going for a little walk.
That was so embarrassing! Thank goodness he's gone.
You think that was embarrassing? You imagine what it's going to be like when we line up and say goodbye to him.
Oh, I cannae stand it.
I'll break down, I know I will.
Look at that.
He's got a heart.
Every New Year's Eve when they sing Auld Lang Syne, I break out into goose pimples and have to go hide in the toilet.
I'm no good at that sort of thing either.
When I got called up, I cried when I had to say goodbye to the parrot.
He kept saying "Hello, hello," I said, "No, you berk, it's goodbye.
" I cried like a baby.
Well, we're all softies, otherwise we wouldn't be in show business.
I mean, look at Nosher.
Even he's got a faraway look in his eyes.
I was just thinking, I wonder what the grub will be like on the boat? Look, fellas, I'm a real artiste.
There's a lot of clown in me.
I can laugh, even when I'm choking back the tears.
And more than that, I'm a very good actor.
So I shall say goodbye to Lofty on behalf of us all.
- What are you gonna say? - I don't know, I'm trying to think.
I know.
I can do that speech that Charles Boyer did as Napoleon, when he said farewell to his troops.
Will it fit? Well, I can change some of the French bits and I won't kiss him.
- Sergeant Major, the truck's here.
- What, already? Right, get them baskets on the truck.
Move yourselves.
Colonel Reynolds, sir.
The truck's arrived.
What, already? I haven't finished my packing.
- I'll help you, sir.
- Well, no point in hanging around.
- Tell the men to load their kit.
- Sir.
Move yourselves! Come on, move yourselves! Don't you want to get back to England? Don't chuck my things in like that! Have you no respect for other people's property? - Don't you want to go home? - I don't want my things mucking about.
Don't pack that, I'm wearing it, for heavens' sake! 'Ere, Nobby, I wonder where the char wallah's gone? He sloped off half an hour ago, Parky.
- We cannae leave without saying goodbye.
- We can't wait till he gets back.
I know what.
Give the money we collected to Lofty.
I mean, he can give it to the char wallah for us.
Lofty, would you give this to the char wallah? And say goodbye for us.
Oh, all right, then.
- Are you off, then? - Yes, Lofty, we're off.
Well, Lofty On behalf of us all, I'd just like to say a few words.
Fall in, the concert party.
Not you, not you.
- Sergeant Major - Shut up! Squad, 'shun! But we haven't said goodbye to Lofty yet.
Very well, then.
Say goodbye to Lofty.
Goodbye, Lofty.
- Ta-ra.
- About turn! On the trot, back to England, double march.
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left.
Move yourselves! Move it! Well, goodbye, Gunner er Gunner, er, Lofty.
Yes, goodbye, Lofty.
Keep your chin up.
See you back in England sometime.
Lofty.
- Lofty.
- Oh, er, did you forget something? No, I came back to say goodbye.
- I thought you was cross with me.
- What made you think that? The way you pushed them out when they were trying to say goodbye.
I did that for your sake, Lofty boy.
I didn't want them poofs crying getting sentimental over you.
I knew it would upset you.
Sometimes, Lofty, one has to cruel to be kind.
Yes, Sergeant Major.
Now, listen to me, Lofty.
I want you to be very brave and I know you can be.
I've seen you out on that stage, singing your little heart out, the audience chucking things.
But you carried on and that's what I want you to do now with a brave smile and a cheerful heart.
Yes, Sergeant Major.
- Goodbye, Lofty.
- Goodbye, Sergeant Major.
I shall miss you.
I has learned in this life that one doesn't get many of you to the pound.
And just one thing, Lofty.
You may be here for quite a few days.
Don't let this old place fall into a shambles.
Keep your basha tidy, keep your kit laid out.
Inspect yourself every morning and keep them stones whitewashed.
- (Horn sounds) - (Reynolds) Hurry up, Sergeant Major! Duty calls.
(# Sitar plays Goodbyee) (Men) # raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue - # So meet the gang # - Sing it! Cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you - Beautiful! - # We are here to make you feel gay So give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey This is very strange, Ah Syn.
Where is everybody? Hello! Hello! They've gone.
The truck came one hour early.
Where have you been? I have been to village.
I have these beautiful presents for all concert party.
It is my big surprise.
Oh, dear.
I cannot believe that they would go without saying goodbye to me.
Me! Muhammad the char wallah.
They said they were sorry to miss you and they left you this.
It's 100 rupees.
It is too kind - but rather I give them the presents.
- (Vehicle approaching) - What's that? - They've come back! They remembered me! Oh, heavenly joy! Ah, there you are.
Glad I caught you.
I've got your cholera booster.
I knew I had another bottle.
That idiot orderly of mine put it in with bunch of bubonic.
Roll your sleeve up.
You'll be able to go.
- I can't.
They've gone half an hour ago.
- Well, you'll have to catch them up.
- Can you give me a lift on your Jeep? - I've got urgent cases to see to.
Sahib, I have idea.
Just past next village is garage, there a man has taxi.
You hire a taxi, catch truck.
What about all my gear? I can't carry it all that way with my little legs.
Leave it to me, sahib.
You and all my presents will go to boat by hooky or crooky.
The fan belt, sir - broken.
- Damn it.
Have we got a spare? - Afraid not, sir.
We'll have keep stopping, let it cool down.
It's 150 miles to Rangoon and the boat leaves midday tomorrow.
At this rate, we won't get there till next week.
- What's up? - Excuse me, sahib.
Do you have a penknife with little lever for getting the stones out of horse's hoof? - Why? - I have gone lame, sahib.
Oh, heck.
Put me down.
Look, sir, it's a garage.
Did you hear that, sir? Gunner Parkins has done it again.
It's a garage.
Garages sell fan belts.
The boy is right, sir.
Garages sell fan belts.
- Go and see if anyone can help us.
- Sir.
'Ey up, Johnny.
Shop! Why are you waking me up? Can you not read? It is early closing day.
And now it's early opening day.
We wants a fan belt.
Come back tomorrow.
You! Please, be a darling.
We're desperate.
Wait a minute.
You are those jolly concert party boys.
- Oh! - You can have your fan belt.
- Thank you.
- That's more like it.
After you have done a show.
Have you gone off your flaming rocker? We got a boat to catch.
This is an opportunity sent from heaven.
I'm always telling my wife about you.
She has never seen you, now is her chance.
- Now, see here - It's all right.
Get changed, fellas.
We'll do the Dames number.
Oh, dear.
Now you will never catch boat.
I'm not giving in.
The Sergeant Major said to carry on with a brave smile and a cheerful heart.
I'm thinking, sahib, in the middle of Burma with a broken rickshaw and a brave smile, we are going to look pretty damn silly.
Look! I've never felt such a fool in all my life.
Well, someone had to take Sugden's place.
It's not my fault he's only five foot tall.
We've got a boat to catch.
- But I don't know the words.
- I'll prompt you.
- Positions, everyone.
- (Gloria) Positions, everyone.
Right, one, two, three, four (# Intro) What do we go for? - Go see a show for? - # Go see a show for? Tell the truth, we go to see those beautiful dames.
Tell the truth, you go to see those beautiful dames - You spend your dough for.
- # You spend your dough for # - Bouquets that grow for - # Bouquets that grow for # All those cute and cunning young and beautiful dames.
All those cute and cunning young and beautiful dames - All dames are temporary flames.
- # All dames are temporary flames # Dames, you don't recall their names - Keep up, keep up.
- Sorry, sir.
# Do you? # - But their caresses and home addresses.
- # But their caresses # Linger in your memory Linger in your memory of those beautiful dames.
Of those beautiful dames Wasn't difficult, was it? Right, sir, fan belt's fixed.
- Right, off we go.
- On the truck, move yourselves.
- But we haven't changed.
- Do that on the truck, move yourselves! Move yourselves! (Cheering) There they are, that's them! Hey, wait for me! - Come on, Freda.
- Gee up, you damn coolie donkey.
Quick, Johnny, get me a taxi.
Follow that truck! Sorry, no taxi.
Go away.
Hey, do you know who you are talking to? This is vip.
- Vip? - VIP.
Very important person.
Gunner Lofty Sugden, the star of Royal Artillery concert party.
I am recognising you.
You are my biggest fan.
- Everything here is at your disposal.
- Thank you very much.
I'll take a taxi.
You'll have taxi first thing tomorrow morning, when he come back from wedding.
I can't wait.
I want to go to Rangoon.
The ship's waiting! Hey, what about that motorbike? That is my personal transport but I will lend it to you if you just give me your autograph.
- Done! - Plus 500 rupees.
- Royal Artillery concert party, Reynolds.
- You cut it fine, sir.
- We had fan belt trouble.
- We're casting off soon.
Ashwood.
Battery Sergeant Major Williams.
We're one short.
- Gunner Sugden won't be joining us.
- Right, I'll cross him off.
- Gunner Clark.
- Sir.
- Bombardier Beaumont.
- Have I got time to go to the chemist? - I've run out of make-up remover.
- Shut up and get on board.
Gunner Mackintosh.
- Gunner Parkins.
- Sir.
Hey.
Have you ever seen a pair of shoulders like that before? Gunner Graham.
(Horn blasts) Are they going to do much more of that? I've got rather a headache.
Move yourself! Gunner Evans.
Come on, come on, let's have you, let's have you! Correct.
Well, there it is, lovely boys.
Take your last look at the mythical East.
We'll probably never see it again.
Aye, and good riddance.
Don't say that.
We've had some good times.
What about when you came under fire from them Jap snipers? You won't get that kind of experience in Civvie Street.
Right, standby to lower the gangway.
(Horn blasts) Hold that ship! As I live and breathe, it's the little Caruso! (Cheering) - It's Sugden.
- (Shouting) - Get yourself up here, man.
- Hey, Lofty! Now, now.
Don't get historical.
(Shouting, ship's horn blasts) Here! It's the char wallah! - Sahibs! - Goodbye, Muhammad.
Sahibs, I have presents! - See you, Muhammad.
See you old son.
- Bye! Goodbye, sahib.
Give my love to dear old Blighty.
I shall never forget you with your happy songs and jolly jokes.
Thank you for showing a humble char wallah there is no business like show business! Tonight I shall make a special round of char and drink your health.
(Horn sounds) Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you We are here to make you feel gay So give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey Just gather around and put down your gun With us around, there's plenty of fun So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! # Land of hope and glory # Mother of the free (Williams) Shut upl
Hold your positions, fellas.
Yes, I'm gonna have to clean that up a bit.
Paderewski! It's too slow.
We're not going to start that again, are we? Round the piano, everybody.
A one, two - (# Piano intro) - 700, 800 900, 1,000.
10, 20, 30, 1, 2.
- How are you getting on? - It's difficult with all that noise.
Let me stop them, sir.
I could take them away and give them silent PT.
- Outside the camp, sir.
- Let them carry on, Sergeant Major.
It beats me why they're rehearsing.
They start for home in a few hours.
If you ask me, they likes dressing up as girls.
It isn't that.
Bombardier Beaumont wants to have a show ready for the boat.
It's a five-week journey back to England.
Chaps can get a bit bored.
I don't think it's wise to give them all that money, sir.
Well, it's their savings.
Out here in the jungle they've only been drawing about five rupees a week.
Now they want the rest and they're quite entitled to have it.
It's my experience of soldiers, sir, that once they get some money they fritter it away on drink and women.
Now, this lot being poofs that just leaves the drink.
With respect, sir, we could be turning them into alcoholics.
- Huh! - Oh, dash it, now I've lost count.
Colonel, I'm ready to give your chaps their inoculations, TAB and cholera booster.
Good.
Get them on parade.
Sir.
Right, get on parade, move yourselves.
Come on, come on, come on.
Stand still, stand still.
At ease, pay attention.
You will parade with your AB64s and unless your inoculations is duly stamped inside your AB64s, you will not get on that boat, so I don't want no protests nor excuses, fall out.
(All) Sir.
We don't mind a bit, Sergeant Major, honestly.
We're gonna be ever so brave.
Just as long as we go on that boat, you can use me as a pin cushion.
Gloria, don't let them put me in first.
They push in the front cos I'm little.
It'll be all right.
Fellas, can we let Lofty go last just this once? - Aye, sure.
- Yes.
- Thanks, Gloria.
- That's all right.
I'm in such a good mood, you could ask me for anything.
Let's be having you, then.
Move yourselves! I'm sorry they is dressed up as tarts, sir.
Oh, that's all right.
Though I expect they would've preferred a lady doctor.
Not to worry.
I injected a platoon of Burmese gorillas last week and I'm not a vet.
Right.
Bombardier.
Now then, as soon as you's had your injections, you will step up to Captain Ashwood and get your pay and credits.
- Which arm do you want, Sergeant Major? - Both of them.
Do we get a bar of chocolate, Sergeant Major? "Do we get a bar of chocolate, Sergeant Major?" No, you does not get a bar of chocolate.
Until you is demobbed, you is supposed to be soldiers and not the Ovaltinies.
- Gunner Clark, 963 rupees.
- Thank you, sir.
Don't worry, it soon wears off.
We had ours a couple of days ago.
Just think, Ah Syn.
In a few hours, we will be selling last cup of char and saying goodbye to concert party forever.
It is the saddest day of my life.
What will you do without British? They cannot live without us.
They like my Chinese cooking.
You are right.
They like me because they like my char and they can shout at me and call me rude names.
I think they'll send for us.
Oh, heavenly joy.
If I could live in England, they could shout at me and call me rude names all day.
It would be bliss.
- What time are they going? - Four o'clock.
Now, listen, Ah Syn.
I have bought beautiful goodbye presents for all concert party.
They are in village.
You come with me now and help me carry back, OK? You got a present for me? No, you ignorant coolie.
You not going nowhere.
That is Gunner Parkins, sir.
May I ask you a personal question? Speaking as a medical man, have you ever seen such a fine pair of shoulders? A fine physical specimen, sir, brave as a lion.
Mm, ow! Sensitive with it.
Get your pay, boy.
Right, last one.
- Oh.
- Sorry, sir, we're out of cholera vaccine.
There should be another couple of bottles.
There's only the one, sir.
It's cloudy and the top's faulty.
That's a bit of a bind.
Er, Colonel? I'm afraid we can't do this one.
We're out of cholera.
Well, can't you take him to GHQ, give him a jab and bring him back? Well, I'm not going back to GHQ and anyway, I haven't got any vaccine there either.
But they're flying some more in within the next couple of days.
The truck leaves in a couple of hours.
I'll miss the boat.
That's a bit hard, isn't it? Never mind.
There'll be another boat in a few weeks' time.
You'll get on that.
You've nothing urgent to get home for, have you? Anyway, I, er, have to be off.
- Safe journey home.
- Goodbye.
Thank you.
- Right, carry on, Sergeant Major.
- Sir.
Get yourselves packed.
Move yourselves.
# Goodbyee, goodbyee # Wipe the tear baby dear from your eyee # I don't know what to say, Lofty.
I just don't know what to say.
Do you know what to say, fellas? Erm Look, couldn't we smuggle him aboard in one of the costume baskets? He can't stay locked up in a basket for five weeks.
He'd get hungry.
We could feed him soup through a straw.
They might not have soup.
They might serve melon.
We could slice it up and slide it through the lid.
Supposing there was a shipwreck, though.
He wouldnae be able to escape.
Houdini did.
Maybe we could forge his AB64, make it look like ours does.
But old Shut Up and the officers know he's not been done.
Perhaps we could bribe them.
Every man has his price.
That would be more than we can manage, even if we all chipped in with everything we've got, which, speaking for myself, I'm not prepared to do.
Well, the officers should do something about it.
I mean, that's what officers are for, to do something.
Whatever gave you that idea? Lofty being left behind is a matter of supreme indifference to them.
You don't seem that concerned either.
You're not prepared to chip in.
Would you? That's not the point.
I've got it, pal.
You're the great humanitarian, right? You stay with him, keep him company.
They wouldn't let me.
Anyway, Lofty wouldn't want you to do that, would you, Lofty? I wouldn't mind.
Ashwood, have you seen my silver-backed hairbrush? - Er, no, sir, I haven't.
- I hope some loose wallah hasn't pinched it.
- The truck's due in a minute, sir.
- I shall miss this old place, Ashwood.
Drinks together in the evening as the sun went down, swapping yarns by the light of the lamp.
You're quite good company, in your own self-effacing sort of way.
Thank you, sir.
I must say, your cheerful optimism has kept me going no matter how gloomy everything may have seemed at the time.
You've been, well, you've been a chum.
Ah, thanks, Ashwood.
I hope we can get a cabin together on the boat.
Well, I don't know about that.
They're unlikely to put a captain in with a colonel but I'll try and swing it.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry, sir.
I had it all the time.
Ashwood, how often have I told you I do not like people using my hairbrush? Oh, look, there's one of your hairs on it.
I'm sorry, sir.
Look, Ashwood, there's one thing I have noticed about you and that is your total lack of consideration for other people's feelings.
You take everything too much for granted.
You never say "Can I?" or "May I?" You just take it and use it.
My toothpaste, for instance.
You thought I wouldn't notice but I noticed all right.
You squeezed the tube from the middle.
Very underhanded of you.
Well, if we're trotting out home truths, what drives me absolutely round the bend is the way you talk with your pipe in your mouth.
- What are you on about? - You see? You're doing it now! And then there's disgusting little black wet bits you keep knocking out all over the basha floor.
It's most unhygienic.
Don't be such a bloody old woman.
Oh, I'm an old woman now, am I? If I may coin a phrase, pot calling kettle black.
There's just one other you're forgetting.
Oh, yes? And what childish, petty idiosyncrasy are you going to drag up? Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
Never mind, Lofty.
I mean, you'll only be a couple of weeks behind us, four at the most.
That's not the point.
I won't be with you.
We've been together all this time and I wanted to be with you until the end.
And I won't be able to do the show on the boat.
That new number, Dames.
It's smashing.
You in your lovely dresses and me in my tails.
What do we go for Go to a show for? We go to see those wonderful dames.
I'm going for a little walk.
That was so embarrassing! Thank goodness he's gone.
You think that was embarrassing? You imagine what it's going to be like when we line up and say goodbye to him.
Oh, I cannae stand it.
I'll break down, I know I will.
Look at that.
He's got a heart.
Every New Year's Eve when they sing Auld Lang Syne, I break out into goose pimples and have to go hide in the toilet.
I'm no good at that sort of thing either.
When I got called up, I cried when I had to say goodbye to the parrot.
He kept saying "Hello, hello," I said, "No, you berk, it's goodbye.
" I cried like a baby.
Well, we're all softies, otherwise we wouldn't be in show business.
I mean, look at Nosher.
Even he's got a faraway look in his eyes.
I was just thinking, I wonder what the grub will be like on the boat? Look, fellas, I'm a real artiste.
There's a lot of clown in me.
I can laugh, even when I'm choking back the tears.
And more than that, I'm a very good actor.
So I shall say goodbye to Lofty on behalf of us all.
- What are you gonna say? - I don't know, I'm trying to think.
I know.
I can do that speech that Charles Boyer did as Napoleon, when he said farewell to his troops.
Will it fit? Well, I can change some of the French bits and I won't kiss him.
- Sergeant Major, the truck's here.
- What, already? Right, get them baskets on the truck.
Move yourselves.
Colonel Reynolds, sir.
The truck's arrived.
What, already? I haven't finished my packing.
- I'll help you, sir.
- Well, no point in hanging around.
- Tell the men to load their kit.
- Sir.
Move yourselves! Come on, move yourselves! Don't you want to get back to England? Don't chuck my things in like that! Have you no respect for other people's property? - Don't you want to go home? - I don't want my things mucking about.
Don't pack that, I'm wearing it, for heavens' sake! 'Ere, Nobby, I wonder where the char wallah's gone? He sloped off half an hour ago, Parky.
- We cannae leave without saying goodbye.
- We can't wait till he gets back.
I know what.
Give the money we collected to Lofty.
I mean, he can give it to the char wallah for us.
Lofty, would you give this to the char wallah? And say goodbye for us.
Oh, all right, then.
- Are you off, then? - Yes, Lofty, we're off.
Well, Lofty On behalf of us all, I'd just like to say a few words.
Fall in, the concert party.
Not you, not you.
- Sergeant Major - Shut up! Squad, 'shun! But we haven't said goodbye to Lofty yet.
Very well, then.
Say goodbye to Lofty.
Goodbye, Lofty.
- Ta-ra.
- About turn! On the trot, back to England, double march.
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left.
Move yourselves! Move it! Well, goodbye, Gunner er Gunner, er, Lofty.
Yes, goodbye, Lofty.
Keep your chin up.
See you back in England sometime.
Lofty.
- Lofty.
- Oh, er, did you forget something? No, I came back to say goodbye.
- I thought you was cross with me.
- What made you think that? The way you pushed them out when they were trying to say goodbye.
I did that for your sake, Lofty boy.
I didn't want them poofs crying getting sentimental over you.
I knew it would upset you.
Sometimes, Lofty, one has to cruel to be kind.
Yes, Sergeant Major.
Now, listen to me, Lofty.
I want you to be very brave and I know you can be.
I've seen you out on that stage, singing your little heart out, the audience chucking things.
But you carried on and that's what I want you to do now with a brave smile and a cheerful heart.
Yes, Sergeant Major.
- Goodbye, Lofty.
- Goodbye, Sergeant Major.
I shall miss you.
I has learned in this life that one doesn't get many of you to the pound.
And just one thing, Lofty.
You may be here for quite a few days.
Don't let this old place fall into a shambles.
Keep your basha tidy, keep your kit laid out.
Inspect yourself every morning and keep them stones whitewashed.
- (Horn sounds) - (Reynolds) Hurry up, Sergeant Major! Duty calls.
(# Sitar plays Goodbyee) (Men) # raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue - # So meet the gang # - Sing it! Cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you - Beautiful! - # We are here to make you feel gay So give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey This is very strange, Ah Syn.
Where is everybody? Hello! Hello! They've gone.
The truck came one hour early.
Where have you been? I have been to village.
I have these beautiful presents for all concert party.
It is my big surprise.
Oh, dear.
I cannot believe that they would go without saying goodbye to me.
Me! Muhammad the char wallah.
They said they were sorry to miss you and they left you this.
It's 100 rupees.
It is too kind - but rather I give them the presents.
- (Vehicle approaching) - What's that? - They've come back! They remembered me! Oh, heavenly joy! Ah, there you are.
Glad I caught you.
I've got your cholera booster.
I knew I had another bottle.
That idiot orderly of mine put it in with bunch of bubonic.
Roll your sleeve up.
You'll be able to go.
- I can't.
They've gone half an hour ago.
- Well, you'll have to catch them up.
- Can you give me a lift on your Jeep? - I've got urgent cases to see to.
Sahib, I have idea.
Just past next village is garage, there a man has taxi.
You hire a taxi, catch truck.
What about all my gear? I can't carry it all that way with my little legs.
Leave it to me, sahib.
You and all my presents will go to boat by hooky or crooky.
The fan belt, sir - broken.
- Damn it.
Have we got a spare? - Afraid not, sir.
We'll have keep stopping, let it cool down.
It's 150 miles to Rangoon and the boat leaves midday tomorrow.
At this rate, we won't get there till next week.
- What's up? - Excuse me, sahib.
Do you have a penknife with little lever for getting the stones out of horse's hoof? - Why? - I have gone lame, sahib.
Oh, heck.
Put me down.
Look, sir, it's a garage.
Did you hear that, sir? Gunner Parkins has done it again.
It's a garage.
Garages sell fan belts.
The boy is right, sir.
Garages sell fan belts.
- Go and see if anyone can help us.
- Sir.
'Ey up, Johnny.
Shop! Why are you waking me up? Can you not read? It is early closing day.
And now it's early opening day.
We wants a fan belt.
Come back tomorrow.
You! Please, be a darling.
We're desperate.
Wait a minute.
You are those jolly concert party boys.
- Oh! - You can have your fan belt.
- Thank you.
- That's more like it.
After you have done a show.
Have you gone off your flaming rocker? We got a boat to catch.
This is an opportunity sent from heaven.
I'm always telling my wife about you.
She has never seen you, now is her chance.
- Now, see here - It's all right.
Get changed, fellas.
We'll do the Dames number.
Oh, dear.
Now you will never catch boat.
I'm not giving in.
The Sergeant Major said to carry on with a brave smile and a cheerful heart.
I'm thinking, sahib, in the middle of Burma with a broken rickshaw and a brave smile, we are going to look pretty damn silly.
Look! I've never felt such a fool in all my life.
Well, someone had to take Sugden's place.
It's not my fault he's only five foot tall.
We've got a boat to catch.
- But I don't know the words.
- I'll prompt you.
- Positions, everyone.
- (Gloria) Positions, everyone.
Right, one, two, three, four (# Intro) What do we go for? - Go see a show for? - # Go see a show for? Tell the truth, we go to see those beautiful dames.
Tell the truth, you go to see those beautiful dames - You spend your dough for.
- # You spend your dough for # - Bouquets that grow for - # Bouquets that grow for # All those cute and cunning young and beautiful dames.
All those cute and cunning young and beautiful dames - All dames are temporary flames.
- # All dames are temporary flames # Dames, you don't recall their names - Keep up, keep up.
- Sorry, sir.
# Do you? # - But their caresses and home addresses.
- # But their caresses # Linger in your memory Linger in your memory of those beautiful dames.
Of those beautiful dames Wasn't difficult, was it? Right, sir, fan belt's fixed.
- Right, off we go.
- On the truck, move yourselves.
- But we haven't changed.
- Do that on the truck, move yourselves! Move yourselves! (Cheering) There they are, that's them! Hey, wait for me! - Come on, Freda.
- Gee up, you damn coolie donkey.
Quick, Johnny, get me a taxi.
Follow that truck! Sorry, no taxi.
Go away.
Hey, do you know who you are talking to? This is vip.
- Vip? - VIP.
Very important person.
Gunner Lofty Sugden, the star of Royal Artillery concert party.
I am recognising you.
You are my biggest fan.
- Everything here is at your disposal.
- Thank you very much.
I'll take a taxi.
You'll have taxi first thing tomorrow morning, when he come back from wedding.
I can't wait.
I want to go to Rangoon.
The ship's waiting! Hey, what about that motorbike? That is my personal transport but I will lend it to you if you just give me your autograph.
- Done! - Plus 500 rupees.
- Royal Artillery concert party, Reynolds.
- You cut it fine, sir.
- We had fan belt trouble.
- We're casting off soon.
Ashwood.
Battery Sergeant Major Williams.
We're one short.
- Gunner Sugden won't be joining us.
- Right, I'll cross him off.
- Gunner Clark.
- Sir.
- Bombardier Beaumont.
- Have I got time to go to the chemist? - I've run out of make-up remover.
- Shut up and get on board.
Gunner Mackintosh.
- Gunner Parkins.
- Sir.
Hey.
Have you ever seen a pair of shoulders like that before? Gunner Graham.
(Horn blasts) Are they going to do much more of that? I've got rather a headache.
Move yourself! Gunner Evans.
Come on, come on, let's have you, let's have you! Correct.
Well, there it is, lovely boys.
Take your last look at the mythical East.
We'll probably never see it again.
Aye, and good riddance.
Don't say that.
We've had some good times.
What about when you came under fire from them Jap snipers? You won't get that kind of experience in Civvie Street.
Right, standby to lower the gangway.
(Horn blasts) Hold that ship! As I live and breathe, it's the little Caruso! (Cheering) - It's Sugden.
- (Shouting) - Get yourself up here, man.
- Hey, Lofty! Now, now.
Don't get historical.
(Shouting, ship's horn blasts) Here! It's the char wallah! - Sahibs! - Goodbye, Muhammad.
Sahibs, I have presents! - See you, Muhammad.
See you old son.
- Bye! Goodbye, sahib.
Give my love to dear old Blighty.
I shall never forget you with your happy songs and jolly jokes.
Thank you for showing a humble char wallah there is no business like show business! Tonight I shall make a special round of char and drink your health.
(Horn sounds) Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you We are here to make you feel gay So give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey Just gather around and put down your gun With us around, there's plenty of fun So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! # Land of hope and glory # Mother of the free (Williams) Shut upl