The Goldbergs s08e06 Episode Script
Eracism
1
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
I loved a good popcorn flick,
so much so that I made
my own versions of them.
Yep, nothing thrilled me more
than a light-hearted romp,
and I couldn't wait to be
inspired by Hollywood's latest.
One for "Turner & Hooch," please.
Sorry, it's sold out.
But I had my heart set
on the gentle action-comedy
of Tom Hanks.
"Do the Right Thing"
starts in five minutes.
Does it have action? Excitement?
A hound with a nose for murder?
It has Danny Aiello.
From "Broadway's Danny Rose"? Sold.
Spike Lee, huh?
What a fun name!
Fight the power
Turns out, "Do the Right Thing"
was no light-hearted romp.
It was a groundbreaking look at
the tensions, heartache,
- and violence caused by racism.
- Fight the power
I was inspired, but in a different way,
and I had to tell someone.
Radio Raheem had this huge boombox
and "love" and "hate" on his hands.
And then Brooklyn was super hot,
so this sweaty Larry Bird guy
is scuffing people's shoes.
- And And
- O-Okay, you're having a fever dream.
I'm gonna run and go get
the tushie thermometer.
Mom, we've discussed this.
I'm okay with the mouth one now.
I need you to listen.
See, Mookie works at this pizza place
Pizza! Yes.
Let's get some pizza
and some crazy bread.
We're not getting pizza.
We're opening our eyes to prejudice.
No, no. Too late!
I'm in. I had pizza for lunch,
but I'll just fold it over
and say it's a calzone.
And I'll take Hawaiian.
Those island people wear
flip-flops to the office.
- They know how to live.
- Pineapple?
Who puts fruit on a pizza?
This guy!
There's literally nothing I won't eat
if it's on top of sauce,
cheese, and dough.
- What about sardines?
- Those salty little guppies?
- Stack 'em up.
- Yogurt?
- It'll just make it healthier.
- Franks n' beans?
It's called campfire pizza.
Reminds me of summer.
Enough pizza talk!
I'm trying to tell you I saw this movie
and it makes me want
to do something big.
From the moment you came
taxiing down my baby tarmac,
I've known you were gonna
change the world.
Haunting, but colorful.
She never disappoints.
I'm behind you a hundred percent.
Then Adam F. Goldberg is
a man on a mission! Ha!
Yes! Go, Schmoo! Make your mark!
Yes, one large Hawaiian
with extra pineapple.
Hey! No pineapple on pizza!
- Ew! Barry! No one wants
- Let me have this!
[All shouting] It's island time!
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was November 25, 1980-something,
and Erica was about to be
in a horrible car accident.
Erica, no!
At least, according to Geoff.
- [Car door slams]
- Ohh. Call 911!
[Scoffs] Relax.
- It's just a love tap.
- That's a dent!
No way. It's a ding, at best.
Or a beauty mark. Like Cindy Crawford.
- We've got to leave a note.
- Why would we leave a note?
The note should have our contact info
so they can follow up
and we can help pay for repairs.
Geoff! We did nothing wrong here.
But everyone should run and hide.
Yeah, the more time we spend here,
the more it seems like I made the dent.
But you did make it! Oh, my God!
Where did you learn this behavior?
You never leave a note!
Ever! No note!
See, Geoff? It all worked out.
Not for the guy with the dented car.
Follow our Golden Rule
"Do unto others or they'll do unto you."
That's not the Golden Rule.
He didn't say the Golden Rule.
He said our Golden Rule.
Words matter, Geoff.
I thought it was "Do unto others
before they do unto you."
- That's good too.
- No, it's not.
And I don't like
this side of you, Erica.
Take it easy, Saint Geoff.
- No one got hurt.
- Until now.
Ow! Why?!
I did unto others
before they did unto me.
- Golden Rule.
- I did a good job with you two.
While Geoff was learning
something new about my family,
Mr. Glascott was about
to educate my classmates.
Okay, students, starting tomorrow,
we will be switching to the Food Wheel,
which is five food groups
instead of four.
The state candy lobby has added sweets
as an important part of your diet.
Now they asked me to sing
"Pour Some Sugar on Me."
[Chuckles, clears throat]
I have something to say.
Dang it. I practiced that nasty song.
Fellow students,
I just saw a movie
that taught me a shocking lesson.
As we sit here, safe and secure
in the City of Brotherly Love,
racism is still alive and well
in Brooklyn!
Uh what?
I didn't believe it either.
But there are still people out there
that hate others
simply for the color of their skin.
"Still"?
Where are you going with this?
To the only place I can go
the end of racism forever.
Meet me in the yearbook office
to join the cause!
In conclusion, racism bad, sugar good.
[Chuckles]
I really let this one get away from me.
Dude, no one's coming.
What? Why not?
Because you said some dumb things
that were also very stupid.
What's stupid about
being concerned with racism
in the streets and pizzerias
of Brooklyn?
You don't honestly think
that racism's only happening
in a single borough, do you?
It's spread to other areas of New York?
Have we lost Staten Island?
Racism's everywhere, man.
Yeah. It's in the school.
Really? I mean, our school's not exactly
a model of diversity,
but I've never witnessed any racisms.
Well, it's here.
And you call racist acts "racisms"?
I never said I was an expert.
But, luckily, I have strong opinions.
I was thinking our group's
motto should be
"Eracism."
Wow. Our work here is done.
- Really?
- No!
You have no idea what we deal with.
Like my English teacher only calls on me
when we're reading "Othello."
I mean, does he only ask
the Danish kids to read
when we're doing "Hamlet"?
Magnus mostly keeps to himself,
but I see what you're saying.
And why does my Home-Ec teacher
keep calling me Connie Chung as a joke?
Because Connie Chung
is a national treasure?
No! I mean, granted, she is.
Maury Povich hit the jackpot
when he married her.
But it doesn't make it okay.
[Sighs] I feel terrible
for not seeing these things
or doing anything to stop them.
So many racisms.
Stop calling it that, but yes.
And there's tons more.
I've jotted down a few incidents.
[Binder thuds]
Wow, that is a thick binder.
Maybe even too much
to digest in one sitting?
The fight is ours. Let's dig in.
As my friends were teaching me
some tough lessons,
Geoff was schooling Barry
and Erica in one of his own.
Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.
Uh, I never agreed to this,
but this meeting is
occurring where I live
and I didn't want to put shoes on,
so well-played.
It's no secret that Erica and I hope
to one day have a family of our own.
- Aww.
- And that's why I'm worried
about your broken moral compass
and complete lack of ethics.
Well, that took a hard turn.
I've got to show you that
the world is not
just full of bad apples trying
to take advantage of you.
Ha! Where is this fantasyland,
with mermaids, unicorns, and armadillos?
- Armadillos are real.
- Sure, buddy.
Same with Komodo dragons.
- This guy.
- Okay.
While grocery shopping,
would you eat a grape without paying?
Sure, victimless crime.
What about the grape farmer
who spends his whole day
bent over in the sun
only to have you steal his wares?
If it's so tough,
that farmer should quit
and try something new.
Like BMX-ing or high finance
or grape farming.
I panicked, couldn't think
of a third one.
Next question.
I'm sure that you've taken a penny,
- but have you ever left a penny?
- Not even once.
I've taken the little tray
that holds the pennies.
Next question
Would you ever exceed the speed limit
to get to a dentist's
appointment on time?
Did it. Got there.
Realized it was the wrong day.
Mom called and made
the dentist come in anyway.
Speed limit?
With that, Geoff realized
he would never be able to
convince them to leave a note,
so there was only one thing to do
leave one himself.
- You did what?!
- I left a note.
Why the hell would you do that?!
Because now you will see that
it pays to be honest and moral.
[Knock on door]
[Door opens]
Oh, hi. [Clears throat]
I got your car confession.
Thank you so much.
Now I know who to sue the pants off of.
Whoa! Those look like nice pants.
- Are those Wranglers?
- Bugle Boy.
[Chuckles] Bugle Boy.
As Geoff's theory was proven false,
I was eager to figure out
why I had been kept blind to the truth.
Mom, how come you never told me
racism is still around?
What an entrance.
This house never disappoints.
Racism?
Yes, that is a valid topic
of conversation,
and one that I am happy
to answer with my words,
and, uh, of course
Whenever my mother
was confronted with a tough question,
she answered the only way
Beverly Goldberg could
blatant distractions.
Sundaes! Topped with crème de menthe.
It's got alcohol in it,
so you can get a little bit drunk
like a babysitter would.
Who's up for Scrabble?
I'll allow "Star Wars" names.
Look what I found.
An 8x10 of Vigo the Carpathian
signed by former boxer and current actor
Wilhelm von Homburg.
No distractions, woman.
I want answers.
Do you want me to live
in a bubble of ignorance?
I prefer a bubble of happiness.
Hey, let's make bubbles. [Blows air]
Beverly, the boy deserves the truth.
Think about where our people came from.
I-I thought we came from Abington.
Murray, please. Jump in any time.
Well, as you know,
I'm not much of a jumper.
- Oh!
- But the boy's turning 12.
I figure it's about time.
I'm a senior in high school,
and time for what?
Here.
Murray, no.
Not the box of harsh realities.
Your mom kept
those movies away from you,
and for the record, I was against it
until she made the most
convincing pot roast.
It's too much too fast.
You're gonna short-circuit
his innocent little brain.
We're gonna deal with it the way
my dad taught me how to swim.
He threw me in the deep end
and then went inside to play canasta.
That may not be a good example.
Sorry, Mom. Looks like the comfort
of your safe bosom ends today,
and I deeply regret saying that.
[Sighs]
What have we done?
Eh, he'll be fine.
But my dad couldn't
have been more wrong.
Why?
Do something, Gregory Peck.
Don't make her pick!
Cambodia is such a beautiful country.
Oh, no!
Why would a small-town sheriff
behave that way?
Oh, mother of mercy, why?!
I miss feeling safe!
Yep, those movies proved it.
World bad.
World real bad.
It was Goldberg family policy
to never leave a note
on a dented car, and Geoff
was starting to see why.
Wait, so you're claiming that
you were napping in your car?
We didn't even see you.
Yeah. I was using my camouflage blanket,
so I totally disappeared
like an arctic hare.
Or also my dad.
Damn it, he's clearly playing us.
I was merely minding
my own business in my car-house
when I was viciously attacked.
But I'm willing to be reasonable.
And that's why I left a note.
Look, why don't I just drop the lawsuit
and I won't call
our insurance companies?
Oh, my God, yes! Thank you!
As long as you cover
my medical expenses.
FYI, this Adam's apple
right here got dislocated.
Might cost you about ten hundo.
A dislocated Adam's apple?
That's not even a thing.
- I'm sorry. Are you a doctor?
- Not yet.
Damn it, he's always a step ahead.
Can't we just have the damage
assessed by a mechanic?
I already did. It's totaled.
From a ding on the bumper?
But again, I'm willing
to forget the whole thing
for another ten hundo?
Ten hundo? That's a thousand dollars.
And no one says it that way.
'Cause I don't like to talk about money.
- But, yes, cash.
- Please.
Haven't you ever loved someone so much
that you felt you needed to
change them for the better?
The only things I ever loved
were my Adam's apple and my car.
And you guys wrecked both of those.
Ooh! Ow! [Winces]
Pain and suffering.
Maybe we should throw in
another ten hundo on top?
Have a great day.
And what have we learned?
That everyone is terrible
and no one is decent.
- He got there.
- There ya go.
While Geoff was losing
his faith in humanity,
mine was already long gone.
I know you'll say I'm wrong,
but I feel how I feel.
The world is a bag of hot,
festering crap.
Mm-hmm.
What do you mean, "Mm-hmm?"
I agree.
- The world is crap in a bag.
- What?
Aren't you gonna try
to make me feel better?
Do you know I get followed by
store security at the pharmacy?
I'm a 55-year-old man
in an argyle sweater vest.
What am I stealing?
More mustache shampoo?
You use a separate product
for your mustache?
It's a very different hair.
But you're missing the point
the world is terrible.
But if it's all bad, how do we fix it?
All you can do is chip away.
For me, it's trying to get the
board to change our textbooks.
They're outdated and biased.
Did you know that
the chapter on Civil Rights
is basically a fold-out
of Lyndon B. Johnson?
If you open the third page,
you can see half of
Martin Luther King Jr.'s face.
Sadly, he's misidentified as Lou Rawls.
That just makes me feel worse.
I know it's a lot,
but if you keep pushing through,
good things can happen.
- Then what should I do?
- Maybe something you're good at.
- I like making movies.
- There you go.
Spike Lee creates films
to make the world a more just place.
Why not use your much more limited
abilities to do the same?
I'll do it!
I'll use my special brand of genius
and my parents' money to make a movie
that shines a light on racial injustice.
- Thanks, Mr. G.
- Sure.
As I was off to right society's wrongs,
Geoff went right to the produce
department to make a point.
You were right. Giving our fellow
humans the benefit of the doubt
was wrong and totally naive on my part.
And now I, Geoff Schwartz,
will eat a grape without paying.
Hey, there you go.
I'm glad to see
you're finally coming around.
And if anyone asks,
you're just "tasting" one "grape"
to make "sure" the bunch is okay
"for" human "consumption."
I may have lost track
of where the quotes go.
Huh.
Nothing bad happened.
I might eat another one.
Ooh. Playing with fire.
But the fire is grapes.
Thank you for opening my eyes.
Oh, my gosh, am I a bad boy now?
[Chuckles] You are the baddest boy.
I am the baddest boy. [Chuckles]
Geoff, I-I think you've made your point.
Yeah, you're right. Enough grapes.
Onto the bananas!
Yep, stealing that first grape
opened a Pandora's box
of supermarket mayhem,
leading Geoff to go on
the saddest crime spree of all time.
This lifetime rule follower
was now a grocery store bandit.
No pantry staple was safe.
Oh, Geoff, no.
What am I seeing right now?
W-Why are you all staring at me?
This is fine.
Erica, tell them it's fine.
- Um
- Oh, no!
I went too far!
What the hell are you doing?
Geoff, what are you doing?
I don't know! You broke me!
How did I break you? I didn't tell you
to do your unspeakable things
to those chickens.
Yeah. I'm not even good at being bad.
I'll just pay for everything.
The car, too.
Because I always do what's right.
Even if my girlfriend doesn't.
While Geoff failed
at doing the wrong thing,
I had enlisted my mom
to help me do the right thing.
Film screening tomorrow!
Have a cookie.
Take a bite out of racism.
Chocolate with
white chocolate chips, huh?
- Makes you think.
- Uh, sorta.
I'm glad to see you took
my advice and made a film.
I can't wait to see it.
Why wait? I'll give you
a sneak preview right now.
ADAM: Long, long ago, robots
were owned by man as servants.
They were butlers like in "Rocky IV"
or overtaxed laborers
like KITT from "Knight Rider."
But like Johnny 5 in "Short Circuit,"
they soon came alive
and demanded rights.
This is their story.
[Majestic music plays]
Wow, such a long
and deeply cumbersome title.
Is it science fiction?
It's a combo platter of
all my favorite movies
with robots in them,
but a hidden message about race.
I'm a rom-com guy myself,
but I'll give it a whirl.
Shh! Here comes my big-screen debut.
[Gasps] Back of the space ship,
you dirty hunk of metal.
[Robotically] But I'm tired
from all the dangerous work
you make me do in the Jupiter mines,
and would like to sit up front.
As long as I am
the President of the Galaxy,
that will never happen.
So the president is a bus driver?
Space bus driver.
[Menacing music plays]
[Austrian accent] Remember
when I said, "I'll be back"?
Well, here I am.
There's a dang Terminator in this?
It's his signature Goldbergian move.
Are people saying "Goldbergian"?
I keep hearing it, so yes.
Wait.
There must be a simple solution
to this war between our two kinds.
There is, citizen.
I am a cyborg.
That's clearly RoboCop.
It's just different enough
so there's no legal issues.
This is my love gun.
It will make us all equal.
[Love gun pulsing]
We are all the same?
Intergalactic prejudice is terminated!
[Majestic music plays]
So?
How do I put this gently?
It's atrocious.
Okay, all art is subjective.
And, please, don't call it art.
Don't listen to this ding-dong.
He obviously doesn't get it.
The robots are black people.
Oh, he got it.
And making us all the same
isn't better either.
Our diversity is what makes us great.
[Uplifting music plays]
What the hell is this?
- [Ding!]
- Oh, no.
Oh, sweet Lord in the sky, no.
Make it stop. Make it stop!
Please! Make it stop! [Grunts]
I'm sorry to say
that you are very out of touch, Adam.
[Door opens, closes]
Well, we've learned
a valuable lesson here today.
We should never venture
out of our comfort zones.
What? No.
Because of you,
I'm just some sheltered kid
with no clue about what goes on
in the real world.
And even worse,
I'm a part of the problem.
Thanks for nothing.
ADULT ADAM: Even though
Geoff knew he'd been scammed,
true to his word, he was gonna
pay back John Calabasas.
Thanks for letting me work
off the debt, Mr. Calabasas.
No problem, kid. Whoa.
You're supposed to be in
traditional Oktoberfest garb.
Are those Mork suspenders?
It was surprisingly difficult
to find lederhosen in suburban Philly.
Well, it does draw the eye.
I guess that's what's important.
- Okay. Hop to it.
- Okay, uh
genuine Berlin Wall for sale!
Uh, it's fresh from Germany!
Get 'em "wall" you can!
Erica?
- What are you doing here?
- I was gonna ask you the same thing.
I'm working off the debt
so he doesn't sue us.
Are these actually from the Berlin Wall?
Oh. Who's to say they're not?
Uh, me. Because they're clearly
Spanish roof tiles.
It wasn't all concrete and barb wire.
Some of it was quite decorative.
Look it up.
Or clearly stolen from the house
being built across the street.
Erica, just let it go, okay?
The sooner I sell these
random historical bricks,
the sooner I'm off the hook
with this guy.
The next 6 to 18 months
are gonna be quite the ride.
Yeah, this ends now.
- Here.
- What's that?
I'm paying off this scam artist.
"Artist." Finally. Thank you.
Whoa! This says 87 bucks, okay?
That's a bit shy of the vague
10 to 15 hundo that we had discussed.
That's because I got an estimate,
and that is the actual amount
it costs to fix the dent.
For the car.
What about my pain and suffering?
Well, I also went to the DMV
and found out
that your car is registered
to a one Barbara Calabasas.
I didn't know you were
gonna do some light digging.
Please don't tell Mom I took
her sled for a joyride, okay?
That woman has a terrible temper.
Well, then, take that
and get out of here.
Fine. But the joke's on you,
because I'm not fixing the dent.
I'm spending all this money
on lotto tickets and strawberry milk.
You didn't have to do that.
This is my fault
for believing in the world.
Stop. That's what I love about you.
I don't get it. I thought
you wanted me to open my eyes.
Sure, there are bad people out there.
But that just means that the world needs
more honest, good ones, like you.
So, you don't want me to change?
Actually, I was hoping you
could help me be more like you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
The more time we spend together,
the better I'll be,
so when we do start a family,
I'll be as much of a sucker as you are.
Well, lucky for you, I would love
to be taken advantage of together.
- [Chuckles]
- There is freedom within
With that, Geoff and Erica
decided that from then on,
they'd hold each other accountable,
because that's what you have
to do with the people you love,
even if that means
admitting you were wrong.
So, no sequel?
- The first one was a flop, so no.
- There's a battle ahead
- Adam, I'm sorry I sheltered you,
- Many battles are lost
but I'm your mama.
- But you'll see the end of the road
- It's my instinct
to protect you from the world.
- But all you've done is keep me in the dark.
- Hey, now, hey, now
- Walls, Dave Kim, Mr. Glascott?
- Don't dream it's over
- They're confronted with this stuff every day.
- Hey, now, hey, now
- They don't get to hide from it.
- When the world comes in
So what do you want to do?
For starters, I want to be
a part of the solution.
- I want to figure out how I can help.
- When the world comes in
- It may not be a movie,
- They come, they come
but I want to make a difference
wherever I can.
- I know you will.
- To build a wall between us
And I'm not going to stand in your way.
- Maybe you'll show me how I can help, too.
- We know they won't win
I'd like that.
Truth is, real change starts
with tough conversations,
'cause you have to face reality
if you want to improve it.
Injustice anywhere is a threat
to justice everywhere.
That's Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
And you would know that
if it was in your textbooks
where it should be.
Sure, a few people can't
change the world all at once,
but it's a start, 'cause
that's what progress is
small steps that can lead
to something revolutionary.
The movies had always
inspired me to create,
but one in particular
inspired me to do the right thing.
Hey, now
Oh, it's all too much!
Oh!
- [Sobbing]
- Oh, no!
- Oh, mother mercy, why?!
- Oh!
Geoff, you've inspired me
to be a better man.
Aww, Bar. Are you giving some
of your stuff to charity?
Nope, I'm giving
some of your stuff back.
My missing Jordans?
I cried when I couldn't find these!
So hard. But they're back now,
and they smell like my feet.
My toothbrush? My pajamas?
- A photo of my Nana?
- [Chuckles] I like her face.
My prescription swim goggles?
Yeah, those gave me
a headache in the shower.
But the good news is,
I learned my lesson
and I will never permanently borrow
anything from you again.
- Later, Schwartz.
- Oh, come on!
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
I loved a good popcorn flick,
so much so that I made
my own versions of them.
Yep, nothing thrilled me more
than a light-hearted romp,
and I couldn't wait to be
inspired by Hollywood's latest.
One for "Turner & Hooch," please.
Sorry, it's sold out.
But I had my heart set
on the gentle action-comedy
of Tom Hanks.
"Do the Right Thing"
starts in five minutes.
Does it have action? Excitement?
A hound with a nose for murder?
It has Danny Aiello.
From "Broadway's Danny Rose"? Sold.
Spike Lee, huh?
What a fun name!
Fight the power
Turns out, "Do the Right Thing"
was no light-hearted romp.
It was a groundbreaking look at
the tensions, heartache,
- and violence caused by racism.
- Fight the power
I was inspired, but in a different way,
and I had to tell someone.
Radio Raheem had this huge boombox
and "love" and "hate" on his hands.
And then Brooklyn was super hot,
so this sweaty Larry Bird guy
is scuffing people's shoes.
- And And
- O-Okay, you're having a fever dream.
I'm gonna run and go get
the tushie thermometer.
Mom, we've discussed this.
I'm okay with the mouth one now.
I need you to listen.
See, Mookie works at this pizza place
Pizza! Yes.
Let's get some pizza
and some crazy bread.
We're not getting pizza.
We're opening our eyes to prejudice.
No, no. Too late!
I'm in. I had pizza for lunch,
but I'll just fold it over
and say it's a calzone.
And I'll take Hawaiian.
Those island people wear
flip-flops to the office.
- They know how to live.
- Pineapple?
Who puts fruit on a pizza?
This guy!
There's literally nothing I won't eat
if it's on top of sauce,
cheese, and dough.
- What about sardines?
- Those salty little guppies?
- Stack 'em up.
- Yogurt?
- It'll just make it healthier.
- Franks n' beans?
It's called campfire pizza.
Reminds me of summer.
Enough pizza talk!
I'm trying to tell you I saw this movie
and it makes me want
to do something big.
From the moment you came
taxiing down my baby tarmac,
I've known you were gonna
change the world.
Haunting, but colorful.
She never disappoints.
I'm behind you a hundred percent.
Then Adam F. Goldberg is
a man on a mission! Ha!
Yes! Go, Schmoo! Make your mark!
Yes, one large Hawaiian
with extra pineapple.
Hey! No pineapple on pizza!
- Ew! Barry! No one wants
- Let me have this!
[All shouting] It's island time!
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was November 25, 1980-something,
and Erica was about to be
in a horrible car accident.
Erica, no!
At least, according to Geoff.
- [Car door slams]
- Ohh. Call 911!
[Scoffs] Relax.
- It's just a love tap.
- That's a dent!
No way. It's a ding, at best.
Or a beauty mark. Like Cindy Crawford.
- We've got to leave a note.
- Why would we leave a note?
The note should have our contact info
so they can follow up
and we can help pay for repairs.
Geoff! We did nothing wrong here.
But everyone should run and hide.
Yeah, the more time we spend here,
the more it seems like I made the dent.
But you did make it! Oh, my God!
Where did you learn this behavior?
You never leave a note!
Ever! No note!
See, Geoff? It all worked out.
Not for the guy with the dented car.
Follow our Golden Rule
"Do unto others or they'll do unto you."
That's not the Golden Rule.
He didn't say the Golden Rule.
He said our Golden Rule.
Words matter, Geoff.
I thought it was "Do unto others
before they do unto you."
- That's good too.
- No, it's not.
And I don't like
this side of you, Erica.
Take it easy, Saint Geoff.
- No one got hurt.
- Until now.
Ow! Why?!
I did unto others
before they did unto me.
- Golden Rule.
- I did a good job with you two.
While Geoff was learning
something new about my family,
Mr. Glascott was about
to educate my classmates.
Okay, students, starting tomorrow,
we will be switching to the Food Wheel,
which is five food groups
instead of four.
The state candy lobby has added sweets
as an important part of your diet.
Now they asked me to sing
"Pour Some Sugar on Me."
[Chuckles, clears throat]
I have something to say.
Dang it. I practiced that nasty song.
Fellow students,
I just saw a movie
that taught me a shocking lesson.
As we sit here, safe and secure
in the City of Brotherly Love,
racism is still alive and well
in Brooklyn!
Uh what?
I didn't believe it either.
But there are still people out there
that hate others
simply for the color of their skin.
"Still"?
Where are you going with this?
To the only place I can go
the end of racism forever.
Meet me in the yearbook office
to join the cause!
In conclusion, racism bad, sugar good.
[Chuckles]
I really let this one get away from me.
Dude, no one's coming.
What? Why not?
Because you said some dumb things
that were also very stupid.
What's stupid about
being concerned with racism
in the streets and pizzerias
of Brooklyn?
You don't honestly think
that racism's only happening
in a single borough, do you?
It's spread to other areas of New York?
Have we lost Staten Island?
Racism's everywhere, man.
Yeah. It's in the school.
Really? I mean, our school's not exactly
a model of diversity,
but I've never witnessed any racisms.
Well, it's here.
And you call racist acts "racisms"?
I never said I was an expert.
But, luckily, I have strong opinions.
I was thinking our group's
motto should be
"Eracism."
Wow. Our work here is done.
- Really?
- No!
You have no idea what we deal with.
Like my English teacher only calls on me
when we're reading "Othello."
I mean, does he only ask
the Danish kids to read
when we're doing "Hamlet"?
Magnus mostly keeps to himself,
but I see what you're saying.
And why does my Home-Ec teacher
keep calling me Connie Chung as a joke?
Because Connie Chung
is a national treasure?
No! I mean, granted, she is.
Maury Povich hit the jackpot
when he married her.
But it doesn't make it okay.
[Sighs] I feel terrible
for not seeing these things
or doing anything to stop them.
So many racisms.
Stop calling it that, but yes.
And there's tons more.
I've jotted down a few incidents.
[Binder thuds]
Wow, that is a thick binder.
Maybe even too much
to digest in one sitting?
The fight is ours. Let's dig in.
As my friends were teaching me
some tough lessons,
Geoff was schooling Barry
and Erica in one of his own.
Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.
Uh, I never agreed to this,
but this meeting is
occurring where I live
and I didn't want to put shoes on,
so well-played.
It's no secret that Erica and I hope
to one day have a family of our own.
- Aww.
- And that's why I'm worried
about your broken moral compass
and complete lack of ethics.
Well, that took a hard turn.
I've got to show you that
the world is not
just full of bad apples trying
to take advantage of you.
Ha! Where is this fantasyland,
with mermaids, unicorns, and armadillos?
- Armadillos are real.
- Sure, buddy.
Same with Komodo dragons.
- This guy.
- Okay.
While grocery shopping,
would you eat a grape without paying?
Sure, victimless crime.
What about the grape farmer
who spends his whole day
bent over in the sun
only to have you steal his wares?
If it's so tough,
that farmer should quit
and try something new.
Like BMX-ing or high finance
or grape farming.
I panicked, couldn't think
of a third one.
Next question.
I'm sure that you've taken a penny,
- but have you ever left a penny?
- Not even once.
I've taken the little tray
that holds the pennies.
Next question
Would you ever exceed the speed limit
to get to a dentist's
appointment on time?
Did it. Got there.
Realized it was the wrong day.
Mom called and made
the dentist come in anyway.
Speed limit?
With that, Geoff realized
he would never be able to
convince them to leave a note,
so there was only one thing to do
leave one himself.
- You did what?!
- I left a note.
Why the hell would you do that?!
Because now you will see that
it pays to be honest and moral.
[Knock on door]
[Door opens]
Oh, hi. [Clears throat]
I got your car confession.
Thank you so much.
Now I know who to sue the pants off of.
Whoa! Those look like nice pants.
- Are those Wranglers?
- Bugle Boy.
[Chuckles] Bugle Boy.
As Geoff's theory was proven false,
I was eager to figure out
why I had been kept blind to the truth.
Mom, how come you never told me
racism is still around?
What an entrance.
This house never disappoints.
Racism?
Yes, that is a valid topic
of conversation,
and one that I am happy
to answer with my words,
and, uh, of course
Whenever my mother
was confronted with a tough question,
she answered the only way
Beverly Goldberg could
blatant distractions.
Sundaes! Topped with crème de menthe.
It's got alcohol in it,
so you can get a little bit drunk
like a babysitter would.
Who's up for Scrabble?
I'll allow "Star Wars" names.
Look what I found.
An 8x10 of Vigo the Carpathian
signed by former boxer and current actor
Wilhelm von Homburg.
No distractions, woman.
I want answers.
Do you want me to live
in a bubble of ignorance?
I prefer a bubble of happiness.
Hey, let's make bubbles. [Blows air]
Beverly, the boy deserves the truth.
Think about where our people came from.
I-I thought we came from Abington.
Murray, please. Jump in any time.
Well, as you know,
I'm not much of a jumper.
- Oh!
- But the boy's turning 12.
I figure it's about time.
I'm a senior in high school,
and time for what?
Here.
Murray, no.
Not the box of harsh realities.
Your mom kept
those movies away from you,
and for the record, I was against it
until she made the most
convincing pot roast.
It's too much too fast.
You're gonna short-circuit
his innocent little brain.
We're gonna deal with it the way
my dad taught me how to swim.
He threw me in the deep end
and then went inside to play canasta.
That may not be a good example.
Sorry, Mom. Looks like the comfort
of your safe bosom ends today,
and I deeply regret saying that.
[Sighs]
What have we done?
Eh, he'll be fine.
But my dad couldn't
have been more wrong.
Why?
Do something, Gregory Peck.
Don't make her pick!
Cambodia is such a beautiful country.
Oh, no!
Why would a small-town sheriff
behave that way?
Oh, mother of mercy, why?!
I miss feeling safe!
Yep, those movies proved it.
World bad.
World real bad.
It was Goldberg family policy
to never leave a note
on a dented car, and Geoff
was starting to see why.
Wait, so you're claiming that
you were napping in your car?
We didn't even see you.
Yeah. I was using my camouflage blanket,
so I totally disappeared
like an arctic hare.
Or also my dad.
Damn it, he's clearly playing us.
I was merely minding
my own business in my car-house
when I was viciously attacked.
But I'm willing to be reasonable.
And that's why I left a note.
Look, why don't I just drop the lawsuit
and I won't call
our insurance companies?
Oh, my God, yes! Thank you!
As long as you cover
my medical expenses.
FYI, this Adam's apple
right here got dislocated.
Might cost you about ten hundo.
A dislocated Adam's apple?
That's not even a thing.
- I'm sorry. Are you a doctor?
- Not yet.
Damn it, he's always a step ahead.
Can't we just have the damage
assessed by a mechanic?
I already did. It's totaled.
From a ding on the bumper?
But again, I'm willing
to forget the whole thing
for another ten hundo?
Ten hundo? That's a thousand dollars.
And no one says it that way.
'Cause I don't like to talk about money.
- But, yes, cash.
- Please.
Haven't you ever loved someone so much
that you felt you needed to
change them for the better?
The only things I ever loved
were my Adam's apple and my car.
And you guys wrecked both of those.
Ooh! Ow! [Winces]
Pain and suffering.
Maybe we should throw in
another ten hundo on top?
Have a great day.
And what have we learned?
That everyone is terrible
and no one is decent.
- He got there.
- There ya go.
While Geoff was losing
his faith in humanity,
mine was already long gone.
I know you'll say I'm wrong,
but I feel how I feel.
The world is a bag of hot,
festering crap.
Mm-hmm.
What do you mean, "Mm-hmm?"
I agree.
- The world is crap in a bag.
- What?
Aren't you gonna try
to make me feel better?
Do you know I get followed by
store security at the pharmacy?
I'm a 55-year-old man
in an argyle sweater vest.
What am I stealing?
More mustache shampoo?
You use a separate product
for your mustache?
It's a very different hair.
But you're missing the point
the world is terrible.
But if it's all bad, how do we fix it?
All you can do is chip away.
For me, it's trying to get the
board to change our textbooks.
They're outdated and biased.
Did you know that
the chapter on Civil Rights
is basically a fold-out
of Lyndon B. Johnson?
If you open the third page,
you can see half of
Martin Luther King Jr.'s face.
Sadly, he's misidentified as Lou Rawls.
That just makes me feel worse.
I know it's a lot,
but if you keep pushing through,
good things can happen.
- Then what should I do?
- Maybe something you're good at.
- I like making movies.
- There you go.
Spike Lee creates films
to make the world a more just place.
Why not use your much more limited
abilities to do the same?
I'll do it!
I'll use my special brand of genius
and my parents' money to make a movie
that shines a light on racial injustice.
- Thanks, Mr. G.
- Sure.
As I was off to right society's wrongs,
Geoff went right to the produce
department to make a point.
You were right. Giving our fellow
humans the benefit of the doubt
was wrong and totally naive on my part.
And now I, Geoff Schwartz,
will eat a grape without paying.
Hey, there you go.
I'm glad to see
you're finally coming around.
And if anyone asks,
you're just "tasting" one "grape"
to make "sure" the bunch is okay
"for" human "consumption."
I may have lost track
of where the quotes go.
Huh.
Nothing bad happened.
I might eat another one.
Ooh. Playing with fire.
But the fire is grapes.
Thank you for opening my eyes.
Oh, my gosh, am I a bad boy now?
[Chuckles] You are the baddest boy.
I am the baddest boy. [Chuckles]
Geoff, I-I think you've made your point.
Yeah, you're right. Enough grapes.
Onto the bananas!
Yep, stealing that first grape
opened a Pandora's box
of supermarket mayhem,
leading Geoff to go on
the saddest crime spree of all time.
This lifetime rule follower
was now a grocery store bandit.
No pantry staple was safe.
Oh, Geoff, no.
What am I seeing right now?
W-Why are you all staring at me?
This is fine.
Erica, tell them it's fine.
- Um
- Oh, no!
I went too far!
What the hell are you doing?
Geoff, what are you doing?
I don't know! You broke me!
How did I break you? I didn't tell you
to do your unspeakable things
to those chickens.
Yeah. I'm not even good at being bad.
I'll just pay for everything.
The car, too.
Because I always do what's right.
Even if my girlfriend doesn't.
While Geoff failed
at doing the wrong thing,
I had enlisted my mom
to help me do the right thing.
Film screening tomorrow!
Have a cookie.
Take a bite out of racism.
Chocolate with
white chocolate chips, huh?
- Makes you think.
- Uh, sorta.
I'm glad to see you took
my advice and made a film.
I can't wait to see it.
Why wait? I'll give you
a sneak preview right now.
ADAM: Long, long ago, robots
were owned by man as servants.
They were butlers like in "Rocky IV"
or overtaxed laborers
like KITT from "Knight Rider."
But like Johnny 5 in "Short Circuit,"
they soon came alive
and demanded rights.
This is their story.
[Majestic music plays]
Wow, such a long
and deeply cumbersome title.
Is it science fiction?
It's a combo platter of
all my favorite movies
with robots in them,
but a hidden message about race.
I'm a rom-com guy myself,
but I'll give it a whirl.
Shh! Here comes my big-screen debut.
[Gasps] Back of the space ship,
you dirty hunk of metal.
[Robotically] But I'm tired
from all the dangerous work
you make me do in the Jupiter mines,
and would like to sit up front.
As long as I am
the President of the Galaxy,
that will never happen.
So the president is a bus driver?
Space bus driver.
[Menacing music plays]
[Austrian accent] Remember
when I said, "I'll be back"?
Well, here I am.
There's a dang Terminator in this?
It's his signature Goldbergian move.
Are people saying "Goldbergian"?
I keep hearing it, so yes.
Wait.
There must be a simple solution
to this war between our two kinds.
There is, citizen.
I am a cyborg.
That's clearly RoboCop.
It's just different enough
so there's no legal issues.
This is my love gun.
It will make us all equal.
[Love gun pulsing]
We are all the same?
Intergalactic prejudice is terminated!
[Majestic music plays]
So?
How do I put this gently?
It's atrocious.
Okay, all art is subjective.
And, please, don't call it art.
Don't listen to this ding-dong.
He obviously doesn't get it.
The robots are black people.
Oh, he got it.
And making us all the same
isn't better either.
Our diversity is what makes us great.
[Uplifting music plays]
What the hell is this?
- [Ding!]
- Oh, no.
Oh, sweet Lord in the sky, no.
Make it stop. Make it stop!
Please! Make it stop! [Grunts]
I'm sorry to say
that you are very out of touch, Adam.
[Door opens, closes]
Well, we've learned
a valuable lesson here today.
We should never venture
out of our comfort zones.
What? No.
Because of you,
I'm just some sheltered kid
with no clue about what goes on
in the real world.
And even worse,
I'm a part of the problem.
Thanks for nothing.
ADULT ADAM: Even though
Geoff knew he'd been scammed,
true to his word, he was gonna
pay back John Calabasas.
Thanks for letting me work
off the debt, Mr. Calabasas.
No problem, kid. Whoa.
You're supposed to be in
traditional Oktoberfest garb.
Are those Mork suspenders?
It was surprisingly difficult
to find lederhosen in suburban Philly.
Well, it does draw the eye.
I guess that's what's important.
- Okay. Hop to it.
- Okay, uh
genuine Berlin Wall for sale!
Uh, it's fresh from Germany!
Get 'em "wall" you can!
Erica?
- What are you doing here?
- I was gonna ask you the same thing.
I'm working off the debt
so he doesn't sue us.
Are these actually from the Berlin Wall?
Oh. Who's to say they're not?
Uh, me. Because they're clearly
Spanish roof tiles.
It wasn't all concrete and barb wire.
Some of it was quite decorative.
Look it up.
Or clearly stolen from the house
being built across the street.
Erica, just let it go, okay?
The sooner I sell these
random historical bricks,
the sooner I'm off the hook
with this guy.
The next 6 to 18 months
are gonna be quite the ride.
Yeah, this ends now.
- Here.
- What's that?
I'm paying off this scam artist.
"Artist." Finally. Thank you.
Whoa! This says 87 bucks, okay?
That's a bit shy of the vague
10 to 15 hundo that we had discussed.
That's because I got an estimate,
and that is the actual amount
it costs to fix the dent.
For the car.
What about my pain and suffering?
Well, I also went to the DMV
and found out
that your car is registered
to a one Barbara Calabasas.
I didn't know you were
gonna do some light digging.
Please don't tell Mom I took
her sled for a joyride, okay?
That woman has a terrible temper.
Well, then, take that
and get out of here.
Fine. But the joke's on you,
because I'm not fixing the dent.
I'm spending all this money
on lotto tickets and strawberry milk.
You didn't have to do that.
This is my fault
for believing in the world.
Stop. That's what I love about you.
I don't get it. I thought
you wanted me to open my eyes.
Sure, there are bad people out there.
But that just means that the world needs
more honest, good ones, like you.
So, you don't want me to change?
Actually, I was hoping you
could help me be more like you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
The more time we spend together,
the better I'll be,
so when we do start a family,
I'll be as much of a sucker as you are.
Well, lucky for you, I would love
to be taken advantage of together.
- [Chuckles]
- There is freedom within
With that, Geoff and Erica
decided that from then on,
they'd hold each other accountable,
because that's what you have
to do with the people you love,
even if that means
admitting you were wrong.
So, no sequel?
- The first one was a flop, so no.
- There's a battle ahead
- Adam, I'm sorry I sheltered you,
- Many battles are lost
but I'm your mama.
- But you'll see the end of the road
- It's my instinct
to protect you from the world.
- But all you've done is keep me in the dark.
- Hey, now, hey, now
- Walls, Dave Kim, Mr. Glascott?
- Don't dream it's over
- They're confronted with this stuff every day.
- Hey, now, hey, now
- They don't get to hide from it.
- When the world comes in
So what do you want to do?
For starters, I want to be
a part of the solution.
- I want to figure out how I can help.
- When the world comes in
- It may not be a movie,
- They come, they come
but I want to make a difference
wherever I can.
- I know you will.
- To build a wall between us
And I'm not going to stand in your way.
- Maybe you'll show me how I can help, too.
- We know they won't win
I'd like that.
Truth is, real change starts
with tough conversations,
'cause you have to face reality
if you want to improve it.
Injustice anywhere is a threat
to justice everywhere.
That's Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
And you would know that
if it was in your textbooks
where it should be.
Sure, a few people can't
change the world all at once,
but it's a start, 'cause
that's what progress is
small steps that can lead
to something revolutionary.
The movies had always
inspired me to create,
but one in particular
inspired me to do the right thing.
Hey, now
Oh, it's all too much!
Oh!
- [Sobbing]
- Oh, no!
- Oh, mother mercy, why?!
- Oh!
Geoff, you've inspired me
to be a better man.
Aww, Bar. Are you giving some
of your stuff to charity?
Nope, I'm giving
some of your stuff back.
My missing Jordans?
I cried when I couldn't find these!
So hard. But they're back now,
and they smell like my feet.
My toothbrush? My pajamas?
- A photo of my Nana?
- [Chuckles] I like her face.
My prescription swim goggles?
Yeah, those gave me
a headache in the shower.
But the good news is,
I learned my lesson
and I will never permanently borrow
anything from you again.
- Later, Schwartz.
- Oh, come on!