The Neighborhood (2018) s08e06 Episode Script
Welcome to the Walk of Roses
1
♪
(PHONE CHIMES)
(GASPS)
Ooh, look.
The yearbook faculty pictures
just came in.
Oh, don't show me.
- I never like those.
- Okay.
Okay, let me see.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, God! I told you not to show me.
What are you talking about?
You look cute.
That's cute?
That's what I look like?
So that's what you saying?
You want to see awful?
Huh. Look at mine.
Aw. You look great.
Great?
I look like Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Well, I look like Shrek.
Shrek the ogre?
No, Shrek the beautiful Black woman.
Yes, the ogre!
Calvin, would you sleep with this hag?
I don't see a hag.
I would sleep with
that beautiful woman though.
(CHUCKLING)
Nice.
I should teach a class.
(DOOR OPENS)
Ooh, good morning!
Calvin, I brought you your mail.
Yeah. Thank you. It's garbage.
(PROTESTING)
- (GRUNTS)
- Well,
don't you want to see what you got?
Dave, I know what I got.
It's coupons, all right?
Uh, I change my own oil,
I don't need five dollars off
of a cheeseburger,
and I I don't want
a free consultation for Botox.
It is a $30 value.
But, Calvin, look at this.
You got a letter from the city.
(SCOFFS) Well, when was a letter
from the city ever good?
Sometimes it's good.
You know, I'm gonna read it.
Here we go.
"Congratulations, Mr. Butler."
Ha.
"You have been chosen by your peers
to be honored "
(STAMMERING)
You don't read another man's mail.
"to be honored with a rose
on the Pasadena Walk of Roses."
Well, all right!
Oh. Well, what's so great, baby?
You know those plaques they put
in the sidewalks in downtown?
Oh, with the names
of great Pasadenians?
Pasadonas?
- What are we?
- Uh,
I believe the term is, uh, "Pasadini."
And they're giving one
- to Calvin.
- Nice.
Guys, it-it's not a big deal.
It's not a big deal.
It's just a way for the city
to show their appreciation
for my numerous
outstanding contributions
and accomplishments.
Okay.
Ooh, look at this, Calvin.
You also got
this big thick one. Look at that.
Ooh. You've been summoned
for jury duty.
Mm.
I believe I've done enough
for the city.
You keep that one.
That's so nice for Calvin,
getting his name on the Walk of Roses.
Uh, yeah, was it, uh,
divine intervention or was it
Dave-ine intervention?
No reaction to what I just said?
I'm sorry.
I was looking at my picture.
What?
No, if I repeat it, it ruins it.
Okay.
Okay, what I was saying is
that I'm the one who nominated
Calvin for the rose.
- You are?
- Yeah.
Why didn't you tell anyone?
Well, because it would
kind of cheapen it
if Calvin knew that his best friend
had been pulling the strings.
When did you have time to do all this?
It wasn't that big a deal.
All I had to do was tell them
about Calvin's numerous
contributions to the community,
write up a ten-page proposal,
put together a quick PowerPoint,
and then get
400 signatures on a petition.
Okay, one,
- you're a really good friend.
- Aw.
And, two,
you gotta get a job.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
(SINGSONGY): Good morning!
How's my favorite ghostwriter?
Oh, damn. The pink box.
Is that any way to greet your agent?
You always bring donuts
when you have bad news.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
You're so paranoid.
(CHUCKLES)
What's in the box, Lisa?
What's in the box?
(CHUCKLES)
It's donuts.
(GROANS, EXHALES)
But it's fine. It's good.
Mercedes read the first five
chapters of Brown Sugar Nights.
And?
- And her people sent some notes.
- Ah.
And her other people sent a few more.
Oh. Great.
- Man, look
- Oh, don't get upset.
These are just
a few little suggestions.
Oh, so I don't have to do this stuff?
Of course you have to. Are you insane?
But these notes are
always such confusing nonsense.
It would be so much easier
if I could talk to Mercedes.
(GASPS) You can't just talk to her.
What would her people do?
I don't know what her people do do.
You know what? I want to meet her.
(GROANS) If you insist.
But I am warning you
Mercedes is a monster.
She once pushed a Kardashian
over the edge
of an infinity pool.
♪
(CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY)
TINA: Ooh.
- All right.
- I mean, what do you wear
when you're being celebrated
as a local legend?
- (CHUCKLES)
- I mean, I want to look formal
but humble.
I want to look impressive
yet approachable.
You know, fly but not superfly.
You know what I mean?
So what do y'all think?
It's great. Yeah, it's nice.
- I love it. I love it.
- Yeah, it's
- Awesome.
- It's-it's good.
But?
(STAMMERS)
It looks a little like you're
the mayor of Emerald City.
To be honest,
it looks a little bit like someone
stole your Lucky Charms.
Which Batman villain has
all the question marks?
- The Riddler.
- The Riddler.
- (PROTESTING)
- What? That's what it is.
That's what it is.
You got your nerve.
You wear above-the-knee shorts.
He-he didn't mean it, Marty.
Marty.
Aw.
All right, well, never mind him.
Baby, where's your rose gonna be?
Well, it says it's on the corner
of, uh, Azalea and Orange?
- Azalea and Orange?
- Hmm.
- I can't picture it.
- No, I'm sure
it's gonna be near
all the other Pasadena giants.
You know, like Jackie Robinson,
Oppenheimer,
or the dad from Brady Bunch.
You know, Calvin, we should
go down there and check it out.
Definitely.
But, first, I got to figure out
what I'm gonna wear to the ceremony.
There's gonna be a million
photographers out there.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm gonna go make sure
I still fit into my wedding khakis.
Oh, my God, Gemma,
we're gonna be photographed.
I can't be.
I look like Garth from Wayne's World.
You're beautiful.
I look like somebody
just rescued me from a well.
Wait a minute.
Those coupons Calvin got in the mail.
There was a free consultation
for Botox.
- Here it is.
- Oh.
Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to get
- a free consultation, right?
- Yeah.
Maybe we get a little
glow-up for the photos.
- Oh. And it does have a $30 value.
- Yeah.
We'd be stupid
not to at least hear them out.
Okay, okay. Well, party on, Wayne.
That's mean.
♪
(GASPS) Malcolm Butler!
We meet at last! (CHUCKLES)
Am I late? Are we late?
Only, uh, 45 minutes.
Oh, great.
I was afraid
I was keeping you waiting.
I'm sorry.
Let me get you another chair.
Oh. No, no.
She's not hungry.
She ate yesterday.
Um
Bernard? (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Why did you sit us
in the middle of the restaurant?
Am I the owner or the entertainment?
Is this SeaWorld? Do you expect me
to clap my hands
and catch sardines in my mouth?
My apologies, Ms. Selznick. I, uh
I don't know what I was thinking.
No, no. Hey, look, that-that's my bad.
Bernard said
I could sit anywhere, so I
We can just move.
- It's fine.
- Oh.
We can move in the restaurant I own?
Thank you for mansplaining.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, um, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.
I know you are a very busy woman.
I just got, uh
I got turned around by the notes
on Brown Sugar Nights.
Like when you say the book
should be "aspirational"
I never said "aspirational."
Well, your people did.
What did they mean by that?
I don't know.
That's why I'm here.
Here you are, Ms. Selznick.
Your usual.
(GROANS) Why are my mussels not open?
Am I supposed to wrestle them?
You're absolutely right.
It's totally unacceptable.
Uh, no, hey, Bernard, Bernard,
it-it's fine, okay?
I will open the mussels.
Don't talk to Bernard.
What?
First you pick the worst seat
in the restaurant,
and now you're ordering
my staff around?
- No, but-but-but
- And here?
In the restaurant
that my ex-husband built
from the ground up and lost
to me because his lawyers
were idiots?
- But-but, listen
- Oh, but-but-but-but-but!
(GASPING)
We're done here.
Purse.
Hey, Bernard?
Can you box all this up? (CHUCKLES)
I think I just lost my job.
♪
(SIREN WAILING)
This is the place
where they plan on honoring me?
It says the corner
of Azalea and Orange.
(SNIFFS) Oh, my God.
- What-what is that smell?
- Hmm.
It's not azalea.
And it's definitely not orange.
You know, I don't want my rose
on this terrible street, man.
Okay, well, come on. Look.
Calvin,
there's a St. Patrick's Day
headquarters.
You know, they don't even have
that on Rodeo Drive.
You know what else
they don't have on Rodeo Drive?
A random wheel with a boot in it.
Okay, look, I get it.
This street is a bit of a fixer-upper.
But this place has real potential.
It's got character.
(SCOFFS)
That's not what I would call it.
Hey. What's up?
We got a problem here?
You guys want to buy a TV remote?
Where's the TV?
Give me 15 minutes.
A young entrepreneur.
Now, that guy's going places.
He's going to steal a TV, Dave.
Oh, yeah? Oh.
Then why is he over there
breaking into my car?
- Why's he breaking into Hey, stop that!
- Hey! Hey!
- Uh-uh! What are you doing?!
- Stop that, sir!
TINA: It looks good, right? I mean
we didn't overdo it with
the radiance package, did we?
GEMMA: No. I mean, we
didn't do the ultimate package.
- That would have been crazy.
- Right?
I mean, looking at you,
I wouldn't even know
you'd done anything.
Oh. You, too.
You're just you, but
smoother.
Mm.
I mean, you look like
you got so much sleep.
So refreshed.
That's how I feel.
- Oh!
- Mm!
There's my grandbaby!
Mommy.
What happened?
What do you mean?
Well, you're (STAMMERS)
You're glowing.
- We got facials.
- Mm-hmm.
That's what facials is doing now?
Amazing, right?
Mm-hmm.
- Little coochi, coochi, coochi
- There she is.
- There's my little baby
- (BABBLING)
- (DAPHNE CRYING)
- (MARTY STAMMERING)
I'm sorry, Daphne.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Do we look weird?
No, child. She just tired.
♪
Why do you hate money?
- Fine. The meeting was a disaster.
- (GROANS)
But as my pops always says,
"All money ain't good money."
Your pops is wrong.
The woman flipped over
a seafood tower.
Oh, I know.
It's all over TMZ.
- (GROANS)
- The entire Bravo
universe is talking about it.
See, this is what happens when
you don't go through the people.
Lisa, I am not going to take a job
if it costs me my self-respect.
Self-respect? Ha.
You are a writer.
You know the two most common
words in a writer's obituary?
"Died penniless."
Okay, fine.
What do you want me to do,
go back and apologize?
Apologize?
No.
I want you to grovel.
♪
It still looks good, right?
I can't tell.
Your screen is frozen.
I thought your screen was frozen!
Oh, damn.
W-Well, don't worry.
It'll all be back to normal
in a few weeks.
A few weeks?
Got to go.
Well, the streak continues.
What a banner year it is
for David Seymour Johnson.
You know, Calvin hates
where they're putting his rose.
GEMMA: I'm sure
you're just overreacting.
Overreact Gemma,
I am underreacting.
Okay, I wanted to honor my best friend
and I've hurt him.
Me and the 400 people
who signed my petition.
And I was very aggressive.
I'm banned
from Trader Joe's now, Gemma.
Trader Joe's!
And the worst part of all
my own wife won't even look at me.
Dave, of course I'll look at you.
The cold disdain on your face
says it all!
♪
You know, I can't believe
I have to go to this stupid ceremony
and act like it's an honor.
I can't believe
I have to show my weird-ass face
in public.
Babe, you are still the most
beautiful woman in the world
to me. Mmm.
I can't move my lips, Calvin.
(CHUCKLES)
And you don't have to. (CHUCKLING)
Nice. Nice.
Calvin, we need to talk.
Dave is really hurt.
Oh, no. Did he try
to open a jar again?
No.
Because he's the one
who went to all that trouble
to get you that rose.
He did?
Why would he do that?
Okay, don't tell Dave
I showed you this.
But here's the letter
he wrote to the city.
"Seven years ago,
"my family moved
from a small town of 75,000
"to Los Angeles,
"a city so big
I couldn't comprehend it.
"I was scared.
"I didn't want my wife
and son to know it.
"And then one man changed everything,
"not just for my family but
for everyone in Pasadena."
Damn it.
What?
That son of a bitch
wrote the nicest letter
I ever read in my life.
♪
Malcolm. I'm glad you're back.
- You are?
- Yeah.
You were great before, by the way.
Yeah, wait, uh, what was great?
You acting all confused.
"But-but-but." (CHUCKLES)
And then when I flipped
the seafood tower,
your face was priceless.
My face was real.
I have post-traumatic shrimp disorder.
Wait. Do you not know
what I was doing there?
- (STAMMERS, CHUCKLES)
- Oh, my God.
Malcolm, my restaurant is my stage.
People come here to see Mercedes
from The Trophy Divas of Brentwood.
Once I saw some fans were
filming me, pfft,
shrimp had to fly.
(CHUCKLES): Okay.
So, uh, that was all for show?
Yes. (SCOFFS)
My fans expect
a certain level of drama.
It's in my contract, actually.
Two public outbursts a week, minimum.
Okay, so, uh
I'm not fired?
Please. (CHUCKLES)
I read your pages,
and I am very excited.
One tiny thing.
Okay.
They're just a little smutty.
Well, I can tone that down.
No, no, no.
They're just a little smutty.
I want them a lot smutty.
I'm talking smut city.
Can you do that?
Smut city?
- I'm the mayor. Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES)
I can do that.
Great. But keep it real.
You know, just like your story
about the boxer and the teacher.
Except filthy. (CHUCKLES)
Wait a minute, you read my story?
Yes. What, you think I don't read?
Well, I-I
Okay, maybe I misjudged you.
But, in fairness,
your tagline on your show is
"I don't read books. I read bitches."
Well, between you and me,
I read both.
Okay.
(SIREN WAILING)
Hoo-hoo! Dad.
I got to say, man,
I'm really proud of you.
Oh. Thank you, son. (CHUCKLES)
I think this neighborhood
is kind of hip and funky.
Look, that motel has
air conditioning and HBO.
Great. Maybe after this,
we can go get a prostitute
and watch the Entourage movie.
(SOFT CHATTER)
Where's Daphne?
I left her home.
Between the pack
of loose pit bulls and
Mom's face
(SPEAKING INAUDIBLY)
Yeah, that's a good call.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
Thank-Thanks, everybody,
for coming out here today.
You know, I got to say,
when I first saw
where I was getting my rose,
I was like, "Nah."
You know, this isn't the nicest
block in the neighborhood.
And-and-and, in fact,
it may be the worst.
But then I read a letter.
A letter written
by this man right here.
Dave Johnson.
(QUIETLY): You showed him my letter?
(QUIETLY): I know
you didn't want me to, but I
That's right. I'm Dave Johnson.
I wrote the letter.
Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave,
get up here, man. Come on.
All right. Okay.
- So
- No, no. No, no, Dave. I got it.
Please. Come on.
Gotcha.
You know, Dave's letter
made me realize that,
even in a city this big,
any one of us can make a difference.
(OTHERS AGREEING)
So it's not where your rose is
it's where your heart is.
And my heart is here in Pasadena.
So, though this rose
may have my name on it,
it also belongs to this man right here
who's become one of my best friends.
One of?
Look, Dave,
I just want to thank you
for helping me realize
that it's not the neighborhood
who make the people.
It's the people
who make the neighborhood.
- Beautiful. Just beautiful.
- CALVIN: Am I right? - (CHEERING)
Am I right about it?
All right, well, good.
Good news, 'cause
because I just want you to know
I have a bunch of shovels, rakes
and dustpans and trash bags
and we're gonna clean this up
together.
Who's with me?
Anybody?
- Yeah, I'm with you!
- Yeah!
There you go. Come on.
Guys, come on. Who's with me?
- Let's do it!
- Yeah.
- Let's clean it up.
- Come on. Let's make this
a block that all of us Pasadini
- can be proud of!
- Yeah!
- Let's do this!
- (APPLAUSE)
Good, good.
Uh-uh, Marty Butler!
Come back here.
♪
Okay, people.
Smile.
Okay, one more.
Everybody smile.
Okay, the two ladies, can I get a
We can't smile!
Just take the damn picture!
I got your TV.
Get your ass off my rose.
♪
sync & corrections awaqeded
♪
(PHONE CHIMES)
(GASPS)
Ooh, look.
The yearbook faculty pictures
just came in.
Oh, don't show me.
- I never like those.
- Okay.
Okay, let me see.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, God! I told you not to show me.
What are you talking about?
You look cute.
That's cute?
That's what I look like?
So that's what you saying?
You want to see awful?
Huh. Look at mine.
Aw. You look great.
Great?
I look like Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Well, I look like Shrek.
Shrek the ogre?
No, Shrek the beautiful Black woman.
Yes, the ogre!
Calvin, would you sleep with this hag?
I don't see a hag.
I would sleep with
that beautiful woman though.
(CHUCKLING)
Nice.
I should teach a class.
(DOOR OPENS)
Ooh, good morning!
Calvin, I brought you your mail.
Yeah. Thank you. It's garbage.
(PROTESTING)
- (GRUNTS)
- Well,
don't you want to see what you got?
Dave, I know what I got.
It's coupons, all right?
Uh, I change my own oil,
I don't need five dollars off
of a cheeseburger,
and I I don't want
a free consultation for Botox.
It is a $30 value.
But, Calvin, look at this.
You got a letter from the city.
(SCOFFS) Well, when was a letter
from the city ever good?
Sometimes it's good.
You know, I'm gonna read it.
Here we go.
"Congratulations, Mr. Butler."
Ha.
"You have been chosen by your peers
to be honored "
(STAMMERING)
You don't read another man's mail.
"to be honored with a rose
on the Pasadena Walk of Roses."
Well, all right!
Oh. Well, what's so great, baby?
You know those plaques they put
in the sidewalks in downtown?
Oh, with the names
of great Pasadenians?
Pasadonas?
- What are we?
- Uh,
I believe the term is, uh, "Pasadini."
And they're giving one
- to Calvin.
- Nice.
Guys, it-it's not a big deal.
It's not a big deal.
It's just a way for the city
to show their appreciation
for my numerous
outstanding contributions
and accomplishments.
Okay.
Ooh, look at this, Calvin.
You also got
this big thick one. Look at that.
Ooh. You've been summoned
for jury duty.
Mm.
I believe I've done enough
for the city.
You keep that one.
That's so nice for Calvin,
getting his name on the Walk of Roses.
Uh, yeah, was it, uh,
divine intervention or was it
Dave-ine intervention?
No reaction to what I just said?
I'm sorry.
I was looking at my picture.
What?
No, if I repeat it, it ruins it.
Okay.
Okay, what I was saying is
that I'm the one who nominated
Calvin for the rose.
- You are?
- Yeah.
Why didn't you tell anyone?
Well, because it would
kind of cheapen it
if Calvin knew that his best friend
had been pulling the strings.
When did you have time to do all this?
It wasn't that big a deal.
All I had to do was tell them
about Calvin's numerous
contributions to the community,
write up a ten-page proposal,
put together a quick PowerPoint,
and then get
400 signatures on a petition.
Okay, one,
- you're a really good friend.
- Aw.
And, two,
you gotta get a job.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
(SINGSONGY): Good morning!
How's my favorite ghostwriter?
Oh, damn. The pink box.
Is that any way to greet your agent?
You always bring donuts
when you have bad news.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
You're so paranoid.
(CHUCKLES)
What's in the box, Lisa?
What's in the box?
(CHUCKLES)
It's donuts.
(GROANS, EXHALES)
But it's fine. It's good.
Mercedes read the first five
chapters of Brown Sugar Nights.
And?
- And her people sent some notes.
- Ah.
And her other people sent a few more.
Oh. Great.
- Man, look
- Oh, don't get upset.
These are just
a few little suggestions.
Oh, so I don't have to do this stuff?
Of course you have to. Are you insane?
But these notes are
always such confusing nonsense.
It would be so much easier
if I could talk to Mercedes.
(GASPS) You can't just talk to her.
What would her people do?
I don't know what her people do do.
You know what? I want to meet her.
(GROANS) If you insist.
But I am warning you
Mercedes is a monster.
She once pushed a Kardashian
over the edge
of an infinity pool.
♪
(CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY)
TINA: Ooh.
- All right.
- I mean, what do you wear
when you're being celebrated
as a local legend?
- (CHUCKLES)
- I mean, I want to look formal
but humble.
I want to look impressive
yet approachable.
You know, fly but not superfly.
You know what I mean?
So what do y'all think?
It's great. Yeah, it's nice.
- I love it. I love it.
- Yeah, it's
- Awesome.
- It's-it's good.
But?
(STAMMERS)
It looks a little like you're
the mayor of Emerald City.
To be honest,
it looks a little bit like someone
stole your Lucky Charms.
Which Batman villain has
all the question marks?
- The Riddler.
- The Riddler.
- (PROTESTING)
- What? That's what it is.
That's what it is.
You got your nerve.
You wear above-the-knee shorts.
He-he didn't mean it, Marty.
Marty.
Aw.
All right, well, never mind him.
Baby, where's your rose gonna be?
Well, it says it's on the corner
of, uh, Azalea and Orange?
- Azalea and Orange?
- Hmm.
- I can't picture it.
- No, I'm sure
it's gonna be near
all the other Pasadena giants.
You know, like Jackie Robinson,
Oppenheimer,
or the dad from Brady Bunch.
You know, Calvin, we should
go down there and check it out.
Definitely.
But, first, I got to figure out
what I'm gonna wear to the ceremony.
There's gonna be a million
photographers out there.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm gonna go make sure
I still fit into my wedding khakis.
Oh, my God, Gemma,
we're gonna be photographed.
I can't be.
I look like Garth from Wayne's World.
You're beautiful.
I look like somebody
just rescued me from a well.
Wait a minute.
Those coupons Calvin got in the mail.
There was a free consultation
for Botox.
- Here it is.
- Oh.
Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to get
- a free consultation, right?
- Yeah.
Maybe we get a little
glow-up for the photos.
- Oh. And it does have a $30 value.
- Yeah.
We'd be stupid
not to at least hear them out.
Okay, okay. Well, party on, Wayne.
That's mean.
♪
(GASPS) Malcolm Butler!
We meet at last! (CHUCKLES)
Am I late? Are we late?
Only, uh, 45 minutes.
Oh, great.
I was afraid
I was keeping you waiting.
I'm sorry.
Let me get you another chair.
Oh. No, no.
She's not hungry.
She ate yesterday.
Um
Bernard? (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Why did you sit us
in the middle of the restaurant?
Am I the owner or the entertainment?
Is this SeaWorld? Do you expect me
to clap my hands
and catch sardines in my mouth?
My apologies, Ms. Selznick. I, uh
I don't know what I was thinking.
No, no. Hey, look, that-that's my bad.
Bernard said
I could sit anywhere, so I
We can just move.
- It's fine.
- Oh.
We can move in the restaurant I own?
Thank you for mansplaining.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, um, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.
I know you are a very busy woman.
I just got, uh
I got turned around by the notes
on Brown Sugar Nights.
Like when you say the book
should be "aspirational"
I never said "aspirational."
Well, your people did.
What did they mean by that?
I don't know.
That's why I'm here.
Here you are, Ms. Selznick.
Your usual.
(GROANS) Why are my mussels not open?
Am I supposed to wrestle them?
You're absolutely right.
It's totally unacceptable.
Uh, no, hey, Bernard, Bernard,
it-it's fine, okay?
I will open the mussels.
Don't talk to Bernard.
What?
First you pick the worst seat
in the restaurant,
and now you're ordering
my staff around?
- No, but-but-but
- And here?
In the restaurant
that my ex-husband built
from the ground up and lost
to me because his lawyers
were idiots?
- But-but, listen
- Oh, but-but-but-but-but!
(GASPING)
We're done here.
Purse.
Hey, Bernard?
Can you box all this up? (CHUCKLES)
I think I just lost my job.
♪
(SIREN WAILING)
This is the place
where they plan on honoring me?
It says the corner
of Azalea and Orange.
(SNIFFS) Oh, my God.
- What-what is that smell?
- Hmm.
It's not azalea.
And it's definitely not orange.
You know, I don't want my rose
on this terrible street, man.
Okay, well, come on. Look.
Calvin,
there's a St. Patrick's Day
headquarters.
You know, they don't even have
that on Rodeo Drive.
You know what else
they don't have on Rodeo Drive?
A random wheel with a boot in it.
Okay, look, I get it.
This street is a bit of a fixer-upper.
But this place has real potential.
It's got character.
(SCOFFS)
That's not what I would call it.
Hey. What's up?
We got a problem here?
You guys want to buy a TV remote?
Where's the TV?
Give me 15 minutes.
A young entrepreneur.
Now, that guy's going places.
He's going to steal a TV, Dave.
Oh, yeah? Oh.
Then why is he over there
breaking into my car?
- Why's he breaking into Hey, stop that!
- Hey! Hey!
- Uh-uh! What are you doing?!
- Stop that, sir!
TINA: It looks good, right? I mean
we didn't overdo it with
the radiance package, did we?
GEMMA: No. I mean, we
didn't do the ultimate package.
- That would have been crazy.
- Right?
I mean, looking at you,
I wouldn't even know
you'd done anything.
Oh. You, too.
You're just you, but
smoother.
Mm.
I mean, you look like
you got so much sleep.
So refreshed.
That's how I feel.
- Oh!
- Mm!
There's my grandbaby!
Mommy.
What happened?
What do you mean?
Well, you're (STAMMERS)
You're glowing.
- We got facials.
- Mm-hmm.
That's what facials is doing now?
Amazing, right?
Mm-hmm.
- Little coochi, coochi, coochi
- There she is.
- There's my little baby
- (BABBLING)
- (DAPHNE CRYING)
- (MARTY STAMMERING)
I'm sorry, Daphne.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Do we look weird?
No, child. She just tired.
♪
Why do you hate money?
- Fine. The meeting was a disaster.
- (GROANS)
But as my pops always says,
"All money ain't good money."
Your pops is wrong.
The woman flipped over
a seafood tower.
Oh, I know.
It's all over TMZ.
- (GROANS)
- The entire Bravo
universe is talking about it.
See, this is what happens when
you don't go through the people.
Lisa, I am not going to take a job
if it costs me my self-respect.
Self-respect? Ha.
You are a writer.
You know the two most common
words in a writer's obituary?
"Died penniless."
Okay, fine.
What do you want me to do,
go back and apologize?
Apologize?
No.
I want you to grovel.
♪
It still looks good, right?
I can't tell.
Your screen is frozen.
I thought your screen was frozen!
Oh, damn.
W-Well, don't worry.
It'll all be back to normal
in a few weeks.
A few weeks?
Got to go.
Well, the streak continues.
What a banner year it is
for David Seymour Johnson.
You know, Calvin hates
where they're putting his rose.
GEMMA: I'm sure
you're just overreacting.
Overreact Gemma,
I am underreacting.
Okay, I wanted to honor my best friend
and I've hurt him.
Me and the 400 people
who signed my petition.
And I was very aggressive.
I'm banned
from Trader Joe's now, Gemma.
Trader Joe's!
And the worst part of all
my own wife won't even look at me.
Dave, of course I'll look at you.
The cold disdain on your face
says it all!
♪
You know, I can't believe
I have to go to this stupid ceremony
and act like it's an honor.
I can't believe
I have to show my weird-ass face
in public.
Babe, you are still the most
beautiful woman in the world
to me. Mmm.
I can't move my lips, Calvin.
(CHUCKLES)
And you don't have to. (CHUCKLING)
Nice. Nice.
Calvin, we need to talk.
Dave is really hurt.
Oh, no. Did he try
to open a jar again?
No.
Because he's the one
who went to all that trouble
to get you that rose.
He did?
Why would he do that?
Okay, don't tell Dave
I showed you this.
But here's the letter
he wrote to the city.
"Seven years ago,
"my family moved
from a small town of 75,000
"to Los Angeles,
"a city so big
I couldn't comprehend it.
"I was scared.
"I didn't want my wife
and son to know it.
"And then one man changed everything,
"not just for my family but
for everyone in Pasadena."
Damn it.
What?
That son of a bitch
wrote the nicest letter
I ever read in my life.
♪
Malcolm. I'm glad you're back.
- You are?
- Yeah.
You were great before, by the way.
Yeah, wait, uh, what was great?
You acting all confused.
"But-but-but." (CHUCKLES)
And then when I flipped
the seafood tower,
your face was priceless.
My face was real.
I have post-traumatic shrimp disorder.
Wait. Do you not know
what I was doing there?
- (STAMMERS, CHUCKLES)
- Oh, my God.
Malcolm, my restaurant is my stage.
People come here to see Mercedes
from The Trophy Divas of Brentwood.
Once I saw some fans were
filming me, pfft,
shrimp had to fly.
(CHUCKLES): Okay.
So, uh, that was all for show?
Yes. (SCOFFS)
My fans expect
a certain level of drama.
It's in my contract, actually.
Two public outbursts a week, minimum.
Okay, so, uh
I'm not fired?
Please. (CHUCKLES)
I read your pages,
and I am very excited.
One tiny thing.
Okay.
They're just a little smutty.
Well, I can tone that down.
No, no, no.
They're just a little smutty.
I want them a lot smutty.
I'm talking smut city.
Can you do that?
Smut city?
- I'm the mayor. Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES)
I can do that.
Great. But keep it real.
You know, just like your story
about the boxer and the teacher.
Except filthy. (CHUCKLES)
Wait a minute, you read my story?
Yes. What, you think I don't read?
Well, I-I
Okay, maybe I misjudged you.
But, in fairness,
your tagline on your show is
"I don't read books. I read bitches."
Well, between you and me,
I read both.
Okay.
(SIREN WAILING)
Hoo-hoo! Dad.
I got to say, man,
I'm really proud of you.
Oh. Thank you, son. (CHUCKLES)
I think this neighborhood
is kind of hip and funky.
Look, that motel has
air conditioning and HBO.
Great. Maybe after this,
we can go get a prostitute
and watch the Entourage movie.
(SOFT CHATTER)
Where's Daphne?
I left her home.
Between the pack
of loose pit bulls and
Mom's face
(SPEAKING INAUDIBLY)
Yeah, that's a good call.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
Thank-Thanks, everybody,
for coming out here today.
You know, I got to say,
when I first saw
where I was getting my rose,
I was like, "Nah."
You know, this isn't the nicest
block in the neighborhood.
And-and-and, in fact,
it may be the worst.
But then I read a letter.
A letter written
by this man right here.
Dave Johnson.
(QUIETLY): You showed him my letter?
(QUIETLY): I know
you didn't want me to, but I
That's right. I'm Dave Johnson.
I wrote the letter.
Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave,
get up here, man. Come on.
All right. Okay.
- So
- No, no. No, no, Dave. I got it.
Please. Come on.
Gotcha.
You know, Dave's letter
made me realize that,
even in a city this big,
any one of us can make a difference.
(OTHERS AGREEING)
So it's not where your rose is
it's where your heart is.
And my heart is here in Pasadena.
So, though this rose
may have my name on it,
it also belongs to this man right here
who's become one of my best friends.
One of?
Look, Dave,
I just want to thank you
for helping me realize
that it's not the neighborhood
who make the people.
It's the people
who make the neighborhood.
- Beautiful. Just beautiful.
- CALVIN: Am I right? - (CHEERING)
Am I right about it?
All right, well, good.
Good news, 'cause
because I just want you to know
I have a bunch of shovels, rakes
and dustpans and trash bags
and we're gonna clean this up
together.
Who's with me?
Anybody?
- Yeah, I'm with you!
- Yeah!
There you go. Come on.
Guys, come on. Who's with me?
- Let's do it!
- Yeah.
- Let's clean it up.
- Come on. Let's make this
a block that all of us Pasadini
- can be proud of!
- Yeah!
- Let's do this!
- (APPLAUSE)
Good, good.
Uh-uh, Marty Butler!
Come back here.
♪
Okay, people.
Smile.
Okay, one more.
Everybody smile.
Okay, the two ladies, can I get a
We can't smile!
Just take the damn picture!
I got your TV.
Get your ass off my rose.
♪
sync & corrections awaqeded