It Ain't Half Hot Mum (1974) s08e07 Episode Script
The Last Roll Call
Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So, meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! (Parky) Dear Mum, we left Rangoon at teatime and the boys are all very cheerful.
At last we're coming home.
There are 600 blokes on this boat and only three girls.
There's nothing much to do all day except lifeboat drill, and watch the porpoises.
We came through the Red Sea, which wasn't, and we passed the bit where Moses crossed, but we didn't see nothing.
Coming through the Suez Canal we noticed that the little Arab boys wore nightshirts all day long.
They lifted them up to show us what nice legs they got, so, the captain sent the three girls down to their cabin, but I think they looked through the porthole.
When we reached the Mediterranean, the blokes got a bit bored, so we gave them a show - # Meet the gang, cos the boys are here # - Get out of it! - Get off! - Rubbish! but not a very long one.
(Ship's horn) We passed the Rock of Gibraltar and came out into the Atlantic, - where we ran into an awful storm - (Thunder and lightning) and a lot of us was ill.
(Gloria) I wanna die, I just wanna diel (Evans) In that case, you won't want your steak and kidney pud.
Bung it over.
(Parky) Then we got our first glimpse of dear old England, but not for long, a fog came up.
(Graham) Who are you writing that letter for? You'll be home before it arrives.
(Parky) I never thought of that.
(Williams) Leave the boy alone, he can use it in his memoirs.
There it is, lovely boys.
Dear old England.
Where? I can just about make some figures out, over there.
Perhaps it's a band to welcome us.
They always have a band.
I expect the mayor will be there as well.
I don't want any speeches, I just want to go home.
Yeah, it is a band.
I can see a fella in a uniform, look - he's waving a placard.
What's it say? Prepare to meet thy maker.
Don't tell me they sent him as well.
I've just had orders to disembark, Mr Williams, get the chaps moving.
Right, get your kits, file down the gangway.
- What gangway? - Over by here, unless you'd rather jump.
Thanks very much for a lovely voyage.
Sergeant Major, take your men over to that shed.
- What shed? - Over there, you'll come to it.
I can't see a thing, Sergeant Major.
Just follow me.
What are you doing? I've come a long way, Sergeant Major, I don't wanna lose you now.
Just put your hand on my shoulder.
The rest of you, do the same.
- # If you go down in the woods today # - Shut up! Oh! Excuse me, sir, how did you get in front of me? I'm lost.
I'm behind you.
You must've veered off to the right.
Sorry, sir.
Follow me.
I think you're going the wrong way, Sergeant Major.
Will you shut up! I knows exactly what I is doing.
(Splash) Mr Williams all right, Bombardier? I don't know, sir, he hasn't come up yet.
Welcome home, boys, I'm sure you'd like a nice cup of English tea.
Poor thing.
Where are you from? - Burma.
- Don't tell me you swam.
He fell off the dock.
I told him he was going the wrong way Shut up.
He nearly snuffed it.
Oh, that would've been rotten luck, wouldn't it? Right, you lot You're next.
- What for? - To go through customs.
Customs? But we're soldiers.
Well, sort of soldiers.
Well, we're in the army.
Look like a load of poofs to me.
Over there.
This is an absolute disgrace.
Who's in charge? - I am.
- Read this out to your men.
You are required to declare to his majesty's customs if you have any of the following goods in your possession: Diamonds, rubies, emeralds, gold, perfume Go on, Gloria, own up.
platinum, watches, jewellery, cameras, binoculars, furs, heavy machinery Are you mad? We've just come from up the jungle! - Where? - Burma.
- What were you doing there? - Fighting the Japanese.
It was ours, you know.
The Japanese took it and we had to get it back.
What d'you think we're wearing these hats for, eh? I thought you were Australians.
I think this a damn bad show.
These chaps have fought for king and country.
That little one must've been a big help.
At least he was there.
Yeah, where were you? Dunkirk, North Africa, Italy and France.
Now, have you anything to declare? No? All right, move on.
Fancy having customs at Dunkirk.
I'm absolutely livid.
How dare they subject us to this, after all we've been through.
I must say that customs officer was damned high-handed.
I'm jolly well going to complain.
Yes, you go and do that.
Ask him his name.
Yes, I will.
Now, look here, I'm going to put in a complaint about your cavalier treatment of our men.
- What's your name? - Palmer.
Where'd you get that ring? - It's mine.
- A bit effeminate for a man.
How dare you? I bought it in the bazaar for my wife.
- Got a receipt? - You don't get receipts in a bazaar.
- Would you mind coming with me, sir? - Don't let's make heavy weather over this.
Captain Ashwood was only joking about reporting you.
Have you no sense of humour? I think you should know, sir, that when we've passed our final exam, they put us into a room, and there we sit for one hour listening to records of Tommy Handley, Max Miller and Rob Wilton, and if one of us so much as smiles, we're out.
Follow me, please.
Hup, hup, hup, hup, come on, move yourselves, move yourselves! Hup, hup, hup, hup, smarten yourselves up.
Come on, come on, move yourselves, you horrible lot! Right wheel! Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, come on, come on, come on, let's have you, you idle shower.
Halt! Left turn! Stand at ease.
Stand easy.
Excuse me, Sergeant Major, why are we doing all this? (Mocks) Why are we doing all this? Because Mr La-Di-Dah Gunner Graham, you has been laying around on a troop ship for six weeks and you is flabby and out of condition.
But we're being demobbed tomorrow.
If you do not buck your ideas up, you'll be on a fizzer, and instead of being demobbed, you'll be doing 28 days CB.
And after that, another 28 days CB.
And after that and after that and after that and after that! The way you is going, you could be in the army until you is very old.
Have a heart, Sergeant Major.
Have an 'eart? Have an 'eart?! You ask me to have an 'eart.
I have not got no 'eart cos you broke it.
You smashed it into tiny pieces.
Now hear this, you is not being demobbed till 1200 hours tomorrow.
It is now 1200 hours today.
For the next 24 hours I shall be watching you like an 'awk.
You put one foot wrong, and I shall have you in the guard room, locked up.
Excuse me, Sergeant Major, do you think we could continue this discussion indoors? Yes We're soaked to the skin.
Shut up! Attention! Let's have a look at you.
Oh, good heavens, Ashwood, Sergeant Major's doing all that inspecting and stamping around stuff - - we don't want to get involved, do we? - Definitely not, sir.
Let's go to the Officer's Mess.
I think a few gins, a good meal and then a nap in one of those great big leather armchairs is the order of the day.
- Excellent idea, sir.
- Good.
Shove the umbrella a bit more my way, Ashwood, I'm getting soaked.
- If I shove it your way, I shall get soaked.
- Don't be selfish.
It is my umbrella, sir.
Here, don't drip on the lino, we'll have to polish it again.
Just think, another 24 hours and we shall be free from all this.
We're gonna have to be careful we don't get in any sort of trouble.
(Mocks) We'll have to be careful we don't get in any sort of trouble.
Crawler! Stand by your beds! Now get this into your thick heads, you think cos you've come off parade, you is having two hours off - wrong! All kits will be laid out according to this diagram.
Bombardier! (Bangs staff) Sergeant Major? Oh! I want this lino polished until it is gleaming, gleaming, gleaming! - He's started that gleaming business again.
- Shut up! These windows is filthy - clean them, I want that glass invisible.
Polish that stove until it looks like silver.
I want it shining, shining, shining! Would you no rather have it gleaming, gleaming, gleaming, sir? Shut up! - Bombardier! (Bangs staff) - Sergeant Major? Do something about that coal.
What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it? You ask me what's wrong with it? It is filthy! I will not have dirty, filthy coal in my barrack room.
Coal usually is dirty, Sergeant Major.
Not in the British army.
Wash that coal.
Polish that coal.
When I comes back, I wants to see that coal (All) Gleaming, gleaming, gleaming! Shut up! I give up, he's totally mad.
As soon as I get this uniform off tomorrow, I shall give myself the pleasure of telling him exactly what I think of him.
Join the queue.
I shall call him a mindless, overbearing, sadistic ignoramus.
Aye, you use all the long words, I'll use the short ones.
I'm just gonna belt him in the gob.
I can't wait till 12 o'clock tomorrow - you know I'm good at gestures, well, I'm gonna do one for him.
(Blows raspberry) He'll be powerless.
He'll have to stand there and take it.
He'll have apoplexy.
Here, you know what old shut up's gonna do when he gets demobbed? - No, what? - He's gonna be a prison warder.
You'll see him on Dartmoor making all the convicts whitewash the rocks they're breaking.
Fancy taking a job as a prison warder - that's typical, he's obsessed with uniforms.
Yeah, I know what I'm gonna do with my uniform.
I'm gonna take it down the bottom of the garden and I'm gonna burn it.
Let's all burn 'em at the same time.
At 12 o'clock next Saturday, we'll go to the bottom of our gardens, and we'll light a bonfire and shove our uniforms on.
Hey, that's a great idea.
And when the smoke's rising up into the sky, I'm gonna shout "Goodbye army, you've had the worst years of my life.
" And at the same time, we'll all think about each other.
Are we agreed on that? (All) Yeah.
There's only one snag.
I live in a flat.
Come along! Does you lot want to get back home? More than anything in the world.
- Shut up.
- Officers.
That's us, Ashwood.
You lot go through that door there.
Well, chaps, this could be the parting of the ways.
We may not see each other again.
But I'm not gonna get emotional, we've been through a lot together.
I just want to say What I wanted to say was - What's the word I'm looking for, Ashwood? - Goodbye, sir.
Anyway, one thing's quite certain, I shall never forget any of you.
Goodbye, Gunner Gunner Sugden, sir.
Goodbye, Graham.
Keep tinkling the ivories.
- Thank you, sir.
Goodbye.
- Bye, Beaumont.
If you ever see my name outside a theatre, be sure and come round.
Of course.
Goodbye.
- Good luck, Parkins.
- Sir.
Good luck, er - Clark, sir.
- Of course, yes.
Good luck - Evans.
- Thank you.
Mackintosh, give my regards to everybody north of the border.
It might take a wee while, sir, but I'll try.
Well, Sergeant Major, this is it.
Good luck in Dartmoor or wherever you're going.
Thank you, sir.
It's been a privilege to serve under you.
Yes.
Well, once again Once again, goodbye and good luck, all of you.
(All) Thank you, sir.
Oh, don't break down now, Ashwood.
I'm sorry, sir.
Right, well, here we go then.
Oh, here we are again then.
Officers this way, Ashwood.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Now, by the time you get to the end of this hall, you will be kitted out in suit, shirt, hat, shoes and accessories of your personal choice.
We have a full range of sizes and a wide selection of colours and materials, all presented to you by his majesty King George VI.
I wonder if it says "by appointment" on the label.
Shut up.
Now, first of all, we take the shirts.
We have types A, B, C or D.
All you have to do is tell the clerk the type of your choice and collar size.
Right, step smartly up to the counter and make your choice.
- I'll have, em Let me think.
- Come on, come on! I'll have A-14, please.
No, perhaps I'll have C.
Yeah, I'll have C.
No, no, I'll have the D.
Make your mind up, Bombardier! How can I possibly tell until I've seen the suit? Whatever you choose you'll still look like a poof.
Haud on a minute, Sergeant Major, we're not in the army now.
Oh, yes, you is.
You is not out of the army until your AB64 is stamped at the end of this table, and that is 20 foot away! Now, a lot can happen in 20 foot.
You put one foot wrong inside that 20 foot, I'll have you back through that door and into that guard room before your feet touch the ground! I don't believe this is happening.
You will, boy, when you is peering through them bars.
Get on with it.
B-16, please.
- What's your chest size? - 46.
Oh, dear, we'll have trouble with you right down the line.
You've only got him for 20 foot, I've had him for 10,000 miles! Haven't you got any boys' shirts with fat necks? Give him an 18.
Your mother can take a bit in.
All right.
Right, now, do you want a suit or sports jacket and flannels? Are you sure these are officers suits? They're all the same, sir, you're just standing on a different side of the rack.
The world's changing, Ashwood.
I'll try a sports jacket, chest 42.
Yes, I'll have the same, 38.
42 38.
Yes, quite ghastly, can't imagine ever wearing the thing.
Never mind, sir, you can always give it to your butler or your chauffeur, maybe even your gardener.
Look here, there's no need to be sarcastic.
We've been fighting for people like you.
Heroes are ten a penny round here, mate.
Ah They're no that bad.
D'you know, Atlas, this is the first time in me life I've had a completely new suit.
I've always had to have me older brother's.
(Laughs) Got any other colours? These are all so drab.
(Mocking) All so drab.
Let me tell you Mr La-Di-Dah Gunner Graham, if you want a zoot suit with a drape shape, you're in the wrong shop.
- 38 long.
- What pattern? I'm not fussy.
I'll have a G-36, please.
G-36, extra short.
I'll have type C, 42.
C-42, extra long.
Er There's nae room for ma growth.
42-A.
42 long.
Ta.
I'll have type E, 48 short.
Type E, 48 short - don't kid yourself! He means type E, 48 ridiculous.
These trilbies look awful.
I'm going to have a cap.
I'll have the same.
There's no need for you to have exactly the same as me.
I'm sorry, sir, I want a cap.
I say, these are working men's caps! Haven't you got a country gentleman's cap? Sorry, sir, if I'd know you were coming, I'd have got some toppers in.
I've a jolly good mind to report you.
What's your name? Oh, don't start all that again, Ashwood.
Just think, only three paces before he stamps our pay book and we're civilians again.
- Don't hang about then, get on wi' it.
- Yes, they might shut for dinner.
Name? Beaumont, sir.
Right.
This is your ration book, your clothing coupons.
Thank you.
- Released.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Mr Beaumont.
Mr Beaumont? Name? Graham, sir, actually.
- Ration book, clothing coupons.
- Thank you.
- Released.
Thank you, Mr Graham.
- Thank you, sir.
- Name? - Mackintosh, sir.
Did you hear what he called me? Mr Beaumont.
I'm released.
I'm free! I'm free.
Never thought I'd see the day.
It's a bit of an anti-climax, really.
What do we do now? You're going to tell old Shut Up what you think o' him - all they long words.
And you were gonna do your gestures, Lofty.
Better hang on for Nobby, he's gonna hit him.
Go on, Nobby, you can hit him now.
And then I'll do me gestures.
No, I better wait, he's not out the army yet.
Thank you, Mr Williams.
He is now.
Yeah, well, I can't hit him now, me arms are all full.
Put it down.
No, someone might nick it.
You have a go, Paderewski.
Oh, I really can't be bothered, I'm gonna go and get changed.
I can't be bothered either.
You're just scared he might hit you back.
You hit him then! No, he might get me on some technicality.
I'm not gonna bother either.
Right.
He looks so pathetic.
Come on, fellas, let's get changed.
(Sighs) Meat, butter, clothing coupons.
Mr BL Williams Civilian.
Never thought I'd see the day.
(Train chugging) - Usual, Ashwood? - Oh, thank you, sir.
Two gin and tonics, please.
Sorry, dear, no spirits until seven o'clock, and then only for regulars.
How can you have regulars in a station bar? Some people work, dear.
How dare you! Do you realise we were fighting for people like you? Demobs, are you? We get a lot of your sort through here, all wanting us to be grateful.
I must've had 50 men fighting for me this week.
Did any of them get you? Watch it, or I might not serve you at all.
I've had enough of this, what's your name? Don't start all that, Ashwood.
Just give us two halves of bitter.
It'll have to be mild and bitter, we're rationed.
Sergeant Major.
I must say you look very Very Doesn't he, Ashwood? Yes, sir, very.
I feel a right berk, sir.
Still, I suppose we got to get used to it.
- Would you care to join us? - Oh, thank you, sir.
That'll be eightpence.
Can I have another one, please? Why didn't you say so before? Because he wasn't here before.
Been away fighting, has he? Just get the beer.
There's that embarrassing little man.
I hope he's not going to join us.
Well, Lofty, you look very, er - Don't he, sir? - Yes Very.
Fancy a beer, Gloria? Oh, don't mind if I do.
When you're ready, miss, we'll have two beers.
Sorry, finished.
- The beer's finished.
- Oh, heck! Never mind, fellas, we haven't got that long anyway.
There's still some grub left.
Three pork pies, please, miss.
Right.
Well, here we all are then.
Aye.
Yeah.
Yes Here we all are then.
Where are you off to, Bombardier? London.
My agent's fixed me a pantomime.
Wishy Washy.
Understudy.
I suppose most of you are off home.
Aye.
Yeah.
What about you Gunner Graham? - Oh, Mr Graham now, sir.
- Oh, of course.
I'm going to look up my old tutor in Cambridge, try to get into the habit of being a civilised human being again.
I'm going to see my old foreman in the shipyard, trying to get into the habit of working again.
I'm going to loaf around for a couple of weeks, then I'll get a job.
- There's plenty about.
- I'll soon get something.
Oh, smart boy like you will be snapped up in no time.
You're going straight to Parkhurst or Dartmoor, Sergeant Major? No, no, sir, I just heard there's been a bit of a hold-up there.
Where are you off to then? Well, I dunno, sir.
I'll probably get digs round here and hang on for a bit.
(PA) The train outside at platform two is the 3:21 That's our train, fellas.
Come on, grab your things.
Goodbye, Sergeant Major.
So long, Beaumont.
We haven't always seen eye to eye, but well, I'll miss you, and I won't forget you.
Any of you.
(All) Bye, Sergeant Major.
See you, sir.
(Both) Bye, Sergeant Major.
Bye, sir.
Hurry up, Ashwood, first class compartment's usually up front.
What's the matter, boy? Forgotten something? - No, no.
- You're gonna miss your train.
That's all right, they haven't blown the whistle yet.
You didn't get that job, did you, Sergeant Major? No.
No, they turned me down.
Too old.
Still, depressing places, prisons, ain't they? So, you haven't got anywhere to go then? Well, nowhere special.
What about that widow lady in Wales with the pub you was always telling me about? Yeah, well, I rang her up last night and her new husband answered the phone.
I tell you what, you can come and stay with Mum and me, until you get things sorted out.
I couldn't do that.
Course you can.
Mum always asked after you in her letters.
Edith? I haven't seen her for 25 years.
I'd like to see her again.
Well, that's it then.
Only till I get myself sorted out, mind.
- Oh, you'll soon do that.
- (Whistle) (Gloria) Come on, Parky! Come on, sir.
After you, lovely boy.
Shoulders back.
A fine pair of shoulders - show 'em off.
(Gloria) Come on, Parky, we're going.
Come on, quickly! Give us your cases.
On you go, son.
On you go, Sergeant Major.
(Whistle) Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So, meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you We are here to make you feel gay So, give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey Just gather around and put down your gun With us about, there's plenty of fun So, meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you (Train whistle) Dear Gloria Sahib, I have got my ticket for the port of Blighty, and I shall be home in six weeks.
And I hope most sincerely that you will come to the grand opening of my restaurant, The Star of India, in the beautiful city of Bradford.
I expect it is cold in Blighty, but out here, as Gunner Parky always used to say, "Cor blimey, it ain't half hot, Mum.
" (Williams) Shut up.
At last we're coming home.
There are 600 blokes on this boat and only three girls.
There's nothing much to do all day except lifeboat drill, and watch the porpoises.
We came through the Red Sea, which wasn't, and we passed the bit where Moses crossed, but we didn't see nothing.
Coming through the Suez Canal we noticed that the little Arab boys wore nightshirts all day long.
They lifted them up to show us what nice legs they got, so, the captain sent the three girls down to their cabin, but I think they looked through the porthole.
When we reached the Mediterranean, the blokes got a bit bored, so we gave them a show - # Meet the gang, cos the boys are here # - Get out of it! - Get off! - Rubbish! but not a very long one.
(Ship's horn) We passed the Rock of Gibraltar and came out into the Atlantic, - where we ran into an awful storm - (Thunder and lightning) and a lot of us was ill.
(Gloria) I wanna die, I just wanna diel (Evans) In that case, you won't want your steak and kidney pud.
Bung it over.
(Parky) Then we got our first glimpse of dear old England, but not for long, a fog came up.
(Graham) Who are you writing that letter for? You'll be home before it arrives.
(Parky) I never thought of that.
(Williams) Leave the boy alone, he can use it in his memoirs.
There it is, lovely boys.
Dear old England.
Where? I can just about make some figures out, over there.
Perhaps it's a band to welcome us.
They always have a band.
I expect the mayor will be there as well.
I don't want any speeches, I just want to go home.
Yeah, it is a band.
I can see a fella in a uniform, look - he's waving a placard.
What's it say? Prepare to meet thy maker.
Don't tell me they sent him as well.
I've just had orders to disembark, Mr Williams, get the chaps moving.
Right, get your kits, file down the gangway.
- What gangway? - Over by here, unless you'd rather jump.
Thanks very much for a lovely voyage.
Sergeant Major, take your men over to that shed.
- What shed? - Over there, you'll come to it.
I can't see a thing, Sergeant Major.
Just follow me.
What are you doing? I've come a long way, Sergeant Major, I don't wanna lose you now.
Just put your hand on my shoulder.
The rest of you, do the same.
- # If you go down in the woods today # - Shut up! Oh! Excuse me, sir, how did you get in front of me? I'm lost.
I'm behind you.
You must've veered off to the right.
Sorry, sir.
Follow me.
I think you're going the wrong way, Sergeant Major.
Will you shut up! I knows exactly what I is doing.
(Splash) Mr Williams all right, Bombardier? I don't know, sir, he hasn't come up yet.
Welcome home, boys, I'm sure you'd like a nice cup of English tea.
Poor thing.
Where are you from? - Burma.
- Don't tell me you swam.
He fell off the dock.
I told him he was going the wrong way Shut up.
He nearly snuffed it.
Oh, that would've been rotten luck, wouldn't it? Right, you lot You're next.
- What for? - To go through customs.
Customs? But we're soldiers.
Well, sort of soldiers.
Well, we're in the army.
Look like a load of poofs to me.
Over there.
This is an absolute disgrace.
Who's in charge? - I am.
- Read this out to your men.
You are required to declare to his majesty's customs if you have any of the following goods in your possession: Diamonds, rubies, emeralds, gold, perfume Go on, Gloria, own up.
platinum, watches, jewellery, cameras, binoculars, furs, heavy machinery Are you mad? We've just come from up the jungle! - Where? - Burma.
- What were you doing there? - Fighting the Japanese.
It was ours, you know.
The Japanese took it and we had to get it back.
What d'you think we're wearing these hats for, eh? I thought you were Australians.
I think this a damn bad show.
These chaps have fought for king and country.
That little one must've been a big help.
At least he was there.
Yeah, where were you? Dunkirk, North Africa, Italy and France.
Now, have you anything to declare? No? All right, move on.
Fancy having customs at Dunkirk.
I'm absolutely livid.
How dare they subject us to this, after all we've been through.
I must say that customs officer was damned high-handed.
I'm jolly well going to complain.
Yes, you go and do that.
Ask him his name.
Yes, I will.
Now, look here, I'm going to put in a complaint about your cavalier treatment of our men.
- What's your name? - Palmer.
Where'd you get that ring? - It's mine.
- A bit effeminate for a man.
How dare you? I bought it in the bazaar for my wife.
- Got a receipt? - You don't get receipts in a bazaar.
- Would you mind coming with me, sir? - Don't let's make heavy weather over this.
Captain Ashwood was only joking about reporting you.
Have you no sense of humour? I think you should know, sir, that when we've passed our final exam, they put us into a room, and there we sit for one hour listening to records of Tommy Handley, Max Miller and Rob Wilton, and if one of us so much as smiles, we're out.
Follow me, please.
Hup, hup, hup, hup, come on, move yourselves, move yourselves! Hup, hup, hup, hup, smarten yourselves up.
Come on, come on, move yourselves, you horrible lot! Right wheel! Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, come on, come on, come on, let's have you, you idle shower.
Halt! Left turn! Stand at ease.
Stand easy.
Excuse me, Sergeant Major, why are we doing all this? (Mocks) Why are we doing all this? Because Mr La-Di-Dah Gunner Graham, you has been laying around on a troop ship for six weeks and you is flabby and out of condition.
But we're being demobbed tomorrow.
If you do not buck your ideas up, you'll be on a fizzer, and instead of being demobbed, you'll be doing 28 days CB.
And after that, another 28 days CB.
And after that and after that and after that and after that! The way you is going, you could be in the army until you is very old.
Have a heart, Sergeant Major.
Have an 'eart? Have an 'eart?! You ask me to have an 'eart.
I have not got no 'eart cos you broke it.
You smashed it into tiny pieces.
Now hear this, you is not being demobbed till 1200 hours tomorrow.
It is now 1200 hours today.
For the next 24 hours I shall be watching you like an 'awk.
You put one foot wrong, and I shall have you in the guard room, locked up.
Excuse me, Sergeant Major, do you think we could continue this discussion indoors? Yes We're soaked to the skin.
Shut up! Attention! Let's have a look at you.
Oh, good heavens, Ashwood, Sergeant Major's doing all that inspecting and stamping around stuff - - we don't want to get involved, do we? - Definitely not, sir.
Let's go to the Officer's Mess.
I think a few gins, a good meal and then a nap in one of those great big leather armchairs is the order of the day.
- Excellent idea, sir.
- Good.
Shove the umbrella a bit more my way, Ashwood, I'm getting soaked.
- If I shove it your way, I shall get soaked.
- Don't be selfish.
It is my umbrella, sir.
Here, don't drip on the lino, we'll have to polish it again.
Just think, another 24 hours and we shall be free from all this.
We're gonna have to be careful we don't get in any sort of trouble.
(Mocks) We'll have to be careful we don't get in any sort of trouble.
Crawler! Stand by your beds! Now get this into your thick heads, you think cos you've come off parade, you is having two hours off - wrong! All kits will be laid out according to this diagram.
Bombardier! (Bangs staff) Sergeant Major? Oh! I want this lino polished until it is gleaming, gleaming, gleaming! - He's started that gleaming business again.
- Shut up! These windows is filthy - clean them, I want that glass invisible.
Polish that stove until it looks like silver.
I want it shining, shining, shining! Would you no rather have it gleaming, gleaming, gleaming, sir? Shut up! - Bombardier! (Bangs staff) - Sergeant Major? Do something about that coal.
What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it? You ask me what's wrong with it? It is filthy! I will not have dirty, filthy coal in my barrack room.
Coal usually is dirty, Sergeant Major.
Not in the British army.
Wash that coal.
Polish that coal.
When I comes back, I wants to see that coal (All) Gleaming, gleaming, gleaming! Shut up! I give up, he's totally mad.
As soon as I get this uniform off tomorrow, I shall give myself the pleasure of telling him exactly what I think of him.
Join the queue.
I shall call him a mindless, overbearing, sadistic ignoramus.
Aye, you use all the long words, I'll use the short ones.
I'm just gonna belt him in the gob.
I can't wait till 12 o'clock tomorrow - you know I'm good at gestures, well, I'm gonna do one for him.
(Blows raspberry) He'll be powerless.
He'll have to stand there and take it.
He'll have apoplexy.
Here, you know what old shut up's gonna do when he gets demobbed? - No, what? - He's gonna be a prison warder.
You'll see him on Dartmoor making all the convicts whitewash the rocks they're breaking.
Fancy taking a job as a prison warder - that's typical, he's obsessed with uniforms.
Yeah, I know what I'm gonna do with my uniform.
I'm gonna take it down the bottom of the garden and I'm gonna burn it.
Let's all burn 'em at the same time.
At 12 o'clock next Saturday, we'll go to the bottom of our gardens, and we'll light a bonfire and shove our uniforms on.
Hey, that's a great idea.
And when the smoke's rising up into the sky, I'm gonna shout "Goodbye army, you've had the worst years of my life.
" And at the same time, we'll all think about each other.
Are we agreed on that? (All) Yeah.
There's only one snag.
I live in a flat.
Come along! Does you lot want to get back home? More than anything in the world.
- Shut up.
- Officers.
That's us, Ashwood.
You lot go through that door there.
Well, chaps, this could be the parting of the ways.
We may not see each other again.
But I'm not gonna get emotional, we've been through a lot together.
I just want to say What I wanted to say was - What's the word I'm looking for, Ashwood? - Goodbye, sir.
Anyway, one thing's quite certain, I shall never forget any of you.
Goodbye, Gunner Gunner Sugden, sir.
Goodbye, Graham.
Keep tinkling the ivories.
- Thank you, sir.
Goodbye.
- Bye, Beaumont.
If you ever see my name outside a theatre, be sure and come round.
Of course.
Goodbye.
- Good luck, Parkins.
- Sir.
Good luck, er - Clark, sir.
- Of course, yes.
Good luck - Evans.
- Thank you.
Mackintosh, give my regards to everybody north of the border.
It might take a wee while, sir, but I'll try.
Well, Sergeant Major, this is it.
Good luck in Dartmoor or wherever you're going.
Thank you, sir.
It's been a privilege to serve under you.
Yes.
Well, once again Once again, goodbye and good luck, all of you.
(All) Thank you, sir.
Oh, don't break down now, Ashwood.
I'm sorry, sir.
Right, well, here we go then.
Oh, here we are again then.
Officers this way, Ashwood.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Now, by the time you get to the end of this hall, you will be kitted out in suit, shirt, hat, shoes and accessories of your personal choice.
We have a full range of sizes and a wide selection of colours and materials, all presented to you by his majesty King George VI.
I wonder if it says "by appointment" on the label.
Shut up.
Now, first of all, we take the shirts.
We have types A, B, C or D.
All you have to do is tell the clerk the type of your choice and collar size.
Right, step smartly up to the counter and make your choice.
- I'll have, em Let me think.
- Come on, come on! I'll have A-14, please.
No, perhaps I'll have C.
Yeah, I'll have C.
No, no, I'll have the D.
Make your mind up, Bombardier! How can I possibly tell until I've seen the suit? Whatever you choose you'll still look like a poof.
Haud on a minute, Sergeant Major, we're not in the army now.
Oh, yes, you is.
You is not out of the army until your AB64 is stamped at the end of this table, and that is 20 foot away! Now, a lot can happen in 20 foot.
You put one foot wrong inside that 20 foot, I'll have you back through that door and into that guard room before your feet touch the ground! I don't believe this is happening.
You will, boy, when you is peering through them bars.
Get on with it.
B-16, please.
- What's your chest size? - 46.
Oh, dear, we'll have trouble with you right down the line.
You've only got him for 20 foot, I've had him for 10,000 miles! Haven't you got any boys' shirts with fat necks? Give him an 18.
Your mother can take a bit in.
All right.
Right, now, do you want a suit or sports jacket and flannels? Are you sure these are officers suits? They're all the same, sir, you're just standing on a different side of the rack.
The world's changing, Ashwood.
I'll try a sports jacket, chest 42.
Yes, I'll have the same, 38.
42 38.
Yes, quite ghastly, can't imagine ever wearing the thing.
Never mind, sir, you can always give it to your butler or your chauffeur, maybe even your gardener.
Look here, there's no need to be sarcastic.
We've been fighting for people like you.
Heroes are ten a penny round here, mate.
Ah They're no that bad.
D'you know, Atlas, this is the first time in me life I've had a completely new suit.
I've always had to have me older brother's.
(Laughs) Got any other colours? These are all so drab.
(Mocking) All so drab.
Let me tell you Mr La-Di-Dah Gunner Graham, if you want a zoot suit with a drape shape, you're in the wrong shop.
- 38 long.
- What pattern? I'm not fussy.
I'll have a G-36, please.
G-36, extra short.
I'll have type C, 42.
C-42, extra long.
Er There's nae room for ma growth.
42-A.
42 long.
Ta.
I'll have type E, 48 short.
Type E, 48 short - don't kid yourself! He means type E, 48 ridiculous.
These trilbies look awful.
I'm going to have a cap.
I'll have the same.
There's no need for you to have exactly the same as me.
I'm sorry, sir, I want a cap.
I say, these are working men's caps! Haven't you got a country gentleman's cap? Sorry, sir, if I'd know you were coming, I'd have got some toppers in.
I've a jolly good mind to report you.
What's your name? Oh, don't start all that again, Ashwood.
Just think, only three paces before he stamps our pay book and we're civilians again.
- Don't hang about then, get on wi' it.
- Yes, they might shut for dinner.
Name? Beaumont, sir.
Right.
This is your ration book, your clothing coupons.
Thank you.
- Released.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Mr Beaumont.
Mr Beaumont? Name? Graham, sir, actually.
- Ration book, clothing coupons.
- Thank you.
- Released.
Thank you, Mr Graham.
- Thank you, sir.
- Name? - Mackintosh, sir.
Did you hear what he called me? Mr Beaumont.
I'm released.
I'm free! I'm free.
Never thought I'd see the day.
It's a bit of an anti-climax, really.
What do we do now? You're going to tell old Shut Up what you think o' him - all they long words.
And you were gonna do your gestures, Lofty.
Better hang on for Nobby, he's gonna hit him.
Go on, Nobby, you can hit him now.
And then I'll do me gestures.
No, I better wait, he's not out the army yet.
Thank you, Mr Williams.
He is now.
Yeah, well, I can't hit him now, me arms are all full.
Put it down.
No, someone might nick it.
You have a go, Paderewski.
Oh, I really can't be bothered, I'm gonna go and get changed.
I can't be bothered either.
You're just scared he might hit you back.
You hit him then! No, he might get me on some technicality.
I'm not gonna bother either.
Right.
He looks so pathetic.
Come on, fellas, let's get changed.
(Sighs) Meat, butter, clothing coupons.
Mr BL Williams Civilian.
Never thought I'd see the day.
(Train chugging) - Usual, Ashwood? - Oh, thank you, sir.
Two gin and tonics, please.
Sorry, dear, no spirits until seven o'clock, and then only for regulars.
How can you have regulars in a station bar? Some people work, dear.
How dare you! Do you realise we were fighting for people like you? Demobs, are you? We get a lot of your sort through here, all wanting us to be grateful.
I must've had 50 men fighting for me this week.
Did any of them get you? Watch it, or I might not serve you at all.
I've had enough of this, what's your name? Don't start all that, Ashwood.
Just give us two halves of bitter.
It'll have to be mild and bitter, we're rationed.
Sergeant Major.
I must say you look very Very Doesn't he, Ashwood? Yes, sir, very.
I feel a right berk, sir.
Still, I suppose we got to get used to it.
- Would you care to join us? - Oh, thank you, sir.
That'll be eightpence.
Can I have another one, please? Why didn't you say so before? Because he wasn't here before.
Been away fighting, has he? Just get the beer.
There's that embarrassing little man.
I hope he's not going to join us.
Well, Lofty, you look very, er - Don't he, sir? - Yes Very.
Fancy a beer, Gloria? Oh, don't mind if I do.
When you're ready, miss, we'll have two beers.
Sorry, finished.
- The beer's finished.
- Oh, heck! Never mind, fellas, we haven't got that long anyway.
There's still some grub left.
Three pork pies, please, miss.
Right.
Well, here we all are then.
Aye.
Yeah.
Yes Here we all are then.
Where are you off to, Bombardier? London.
My agent's fixed me a pantomime.
Wishy Washy.
Understudy.
I suppose most of you are off home.
Aye.
Yeah.
What about you Gunner Graham? - Oh, Mr Graham now, sir.
- Oh, of course.
I'm going to look up my old tutor in Cambridge, try to get into the habit of being a civilised human being again.
I'm going to see my old foreman in the shipyard, trying to get into the habit of working again.
I'm going to loaf around for a couple of weeks, then I'll get a job.
- There's plenty about.
- I'll soon get something.
Oh, smart boy like you will be snapped up in no time.
You're going straight to Parkhurst or Dartmoor, Sergeant Major? No, no, sir, I just heard there's been a bit of a hold-up there.
Where are you off to then? Well, I dunno, sir.
I'll probably get digs round here and hang on for a bit.
(PA) The train outside at platform two is the 3:21 That's our train, fellas.
Come on, grab your things.
Goodbye, Sergeant Major.
So long, Beaumont.
We haven't always seen eye to eye, but well, I'll miss you, and I won't forget you.
Any of you.
(All) Bye, Sergeant Major.
See you, sir.
(Both) Bye, Sergeant Major.
Bye, sir.
Hurry up, Ashwood, first class compartment's usually up front.
What's the matter, boy? Forgotten something? - No, no.
- You're gonna miss your train.
That's all right, they haven't blown the whistle yet.
You didn't get that job, did you, Sergeant Major? No.
No, they turned me down.
Too old.
Still, depressing places, prisons, ain't they? So, you haven't got anywhere to go then? Well, nowhere special.
What about that widow lady in Wales with the pub you was always telling me about? Yeah, well, I rang her up last night and her new husband answered the phone.
I tell you what, you can come and stay with Mum and me, until you get things sorted out.
I couldn't do that.
Course you can.
Mum always asked after you in her letters.
Edith? I haven't seen her for 25 years.
I'd like to see her again.
Well, that's it then.
Only till I get myself sorted out, mind.
- Oh, you'll soon do that.
- (Whistle) (Gloria) Come on, Parky! Come on, sir.
After you, lovely boy.
Shoulders back.
A fine pair of shoulders - show 'em off.
(Gloria) Come on, Parky, we're going.
Come on, quickly! Give us your cases.
On you go, son.
On you go, Sergeant Major.
(Whistle) Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So, meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you We are here to make you feel gay So, give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey Just gather around and put down your gun With us about, there's plenty of fun So, meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you (Train whistle) Dear Gloria Sahib, I have got my ticket for the port of Blighty, and I shall be home in six weeks.
And I hope most sincerely that you will come to the grand opening of my restaurant, The Star of India, in the beautiful city of Bradford.
I expect it is cold in Blighty, but out here, as Gunner Parky always used to say, "Cor blimey, it ain't half hot, Mum.
" (Williams) Shut up.