The Goldbergs s08e07 Episode Script

1
Back in the '80s, a cruise
was everyone's dream vacation.
It was the best game show prize
a floating luxury hotel,
and it was the only vacation
with its own theme song.
If they could see you now
Out on a Fun Ship cruise
Eating fancy food
and doing what you choose
All I can say is wow
Hey, look at where you are
Tonight we're living Pow!
Just like a movie star
What a fun ship, holy cow
They'd never believe it
If your friends could see you now
Why is this peppy broad all in my face?
She never stops moving.
She's like a lady Chihuahua.
That's the vivacious Kathie Lee Gifford,
whose energy and spunk knows no bounds.
She's basically me
if I were a sassy redhead.
Well, the best part is
she's singing about
making her horrible
land-bound friends jealous.
That's exactly what I would do.
Being trapped on a floating motel
is not my idea of a vacation.
Once you get into international waters,
the laws of man no longer apply.
You can jaywalk
or violate federal copyrights.
We'll see who's boss now, Mickey Mouse.
None of that's right,
but think of your children
who've never seen the world.
The closest I've been to another country
is that Chinese buffet place
that also serves pizza.
Yeah, I like my bathroom here,
where I know where all
the levers and papers are at.
You're a piece of garbage!
I wish anyone else was my father!
How many times do I have to tell you?
What you think of me as a man
does not matter to me.
Eh, I could pay.
Who is saying those words right now?
Me. I'll spring for the whole megillah.
I think you're confused, Pop-Pop.
We're talking about
a luxurious vacation,
not the nickel you tape
to our birthday cards.
I wanna treat you, huh?
For Hanukkah or whatever.
You usually buy the boys nail
clippers or pencil sharpeners.
One time, you gave me the Yellow Pages.
For killing spiders.
I got some Lawry's Seasoned Salt.
Admittedly, that was a re-gift.
And how are you gonna pay for it?
You live above a Burger King.
You don't know my finances.
I got investments,
Lord Big Crap of the County
think-he's-better-than-me.
Murray, don't you get it?
You and your father
have patched things up,
but he wants to take it
to the next level.
We're good. When I see him,
I don't feel boiling rage.
Maybe you could get closer
and feel something even better.
Like a mild warmth?
Like love.
The thing you never had as a child.
It's right there for the taking.
All right, let's go on the dumb ocean.
Yay! It's a snuggle ship!
Ohh!
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was Hanukkah,
1980-something, and Erica was
spending her first holiday
with the Schwartzes.
I really appreciate you still
coming to my folks' house.
I know it's a big sacrifice
to give up the family cruise.
- Geoff, I'm thrilled to be here.
- Aww.
Because I would rather
eat my fingers and toes
than be stuck on a boat
with my family for a week.
Gonna walk back that aww.
I'm just excited
to have a normal holiday
without family drama.
Normal is one thing that the
Schwartzes do well. That and Boggle.
I keep forgetting that normal
and boring mean the same thing.
There they are!
Five minutes late!
Sorry. Holiday traffic.
You know to plan for traffic, Geoffy.
Remember what we always say
"Lateness is the opposite of greatness."
I know, I know.
My family also has a saying
about being tardy
"Why are we even going to this thing?"
And then we fight and don't go.
Our first Hanukkah with our son
and his girlfriend.
I'm not a crier, but if I were whoo!
Oh, my God! Joanne's here!
- Joanne's here?
- Joanne's here!
I'm here!
Joanne, I didn't know you were coming.
Erica! My almost sister!
Oh! Oop!
Coming right in my business.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, pshh! What's five minutes?
You just had a whole rhyme about it.
Our Jojobean came up with that.
She is the family genius.
So, what have you been up to?
Mostly just partying at law school.
Did you hear that? Law school.
I kinda heard partying.
Oh, I still can't handle it.
My daughter is going to be a lawyer.
And your son's gonna be a doctor.
Eh, an ophthalmologist.
Aren't you an ophthalmologist?
That's why I can say it.
Linda, I thought you weren't a crier.
I am when my baby
come homes for Hanukkah.
Joanne, we got the guest room
all set up for you.
Geoffrey, you two can
take your old bedroom.
But you guys converted it
into a craft room the day I moved out.
So push some stuff aside.
Do I have to hold your hand?
You're holding Joanne's.
My angel's home!
While Erica was getting to know more
about Geoff's perfect family,
we were climbing aboard our ocean vessel
for the trip of a lifetime.
Man, what are we gonna do first?
First, I need you
to back away from me, okay?
I don't want
your Brea Bee relationship musk
spoiling my newly single pheromones.
Pheromones?
Is that why your shirt is glistening
like a dog at the beach?
Nah. I pre-oiled my body.
I don't want
the honeys seeing me ungreased,
but I also gotta be ready to pop
this top off at a moment's notice.
I don't know, Bar.
I think you might be
still getting over Ren,
and maybe you shouldn't
hang all your self-worth
on a random boat gal.
Opposite.
Who I stroll the lido deck with
literally means everything.
- Everything.
- Yay! St. Johns!
Oh, tropical waters,
white sands, fruity drinks!
So, why do you all look
like Hawaiian lawyers?
'Cause we're going to St. Johns!
Yeah, St. John, Canada.
It's a nice town.
Good puffin skewers, I hear.
What old man words is he saying?
Puffin. It's like a fat penguin.
What, are you too good
to eat an endangered seabird?
- Yes.
- Ben, when you said
we were going to St. John's,
we naturally assumed
you were talking about
the tropical paradise.
Have you seen the prices
of Caribbean cruises?
Hmm? No, thank you.
Are you telling me there's gonna
be no bikini-clad babes?
Oh, not a one. The average temp is 7.
The average age is 77.
Those are all the wrong sevens.
That is a stupid way to say thank you.
Quick! Exit the gangway!
No, we have to make this work
for the sake of Dad
and Pop-Pop's relationship.
But all I brought were my flip-flops
and a change of latitude.
Take my credit card,
go buy us some coats
and sweatshirts in the gift shop.
Nice. I'll buy gum and not tell you.
Hi, I'm Jenny, your cruise director.
How can I help you get settled?
We just got the shocking news
that this is an Arctic tour,
so we were wondering if there's
anything fun to do on board.
Sometimes you can get a glimpse
of the Northern Lights.
Oh, that's something.
Is it beautiful?
I wouldn't know.
But I've only been
on this ship for many years.
Follow-up question
why the [bleep] would anyone
go on a trip like this?
We have HBO?
You're telling me I don't
have to go on a beach excursion
or some Mayan ruins?
And there's premium cable?
Hoo-hoo!
What kind of grump would enjoy a trip
where he's cooped up in a cabin
the whole time?
Hey, you hear the good news?
HBO!
Yeah, now it's really Hanukkah, huh?
Isn't this great?
Our first holiday with my family.
Yeah, I was kinda nervous
because I always thought
your family was so normal and perfect.
Totally. Wait. What are you
talking about? They are perfect.
Come on. Jojobean?
Your parents totally favor her.
That's not true.
They gave you grief
for being five minutes late,
but she just waltzes in whenever.
Plus, there's two of us,
and we're in the crappy room.
Um, I think you mean the crafty room.
And it's the best. Cheggit.
This bolt of black latex.
What is my mom
intending to do with this?
All I'm saying is
you don't deserve to be treated
like second-fiddle.
In this house, we have a saying
Choose to be happy, choose to be kind,
positivity is in your mind.
No one says that.
Um, I believe
this pillow begs to differ.
- Yikes.
- Not yikes!
The opposite of yikes.
Yum.
Yeah, well, your family's bad
at opposites, too.
We're great at opposites
and everything else.
Black, white. Up, down.
Schwartzes, Goldbergs.
Okay. It's like that?
Well, I was just trying to be
supportive, but I don't have to.
Great. 'Cause I don't need
that kind of support.
Fine. Then I'll just curl up
in this heavy damask curtain
and not comment on how messed up it is
that they love her more than you.
We're a happy family.
Oh, I know, and I am
thrilled to be here.
- Love you so much.
- Love you more!
Pleasant dreams, sugarplum.
I will be right here
when you wake up, my darling.
As Erica and Geoff were butting heads,
my dad and Pop-Pop were bonding
over their mutual love
of the great indoors.
They watched TV.
Man, I love being out on the ocean.
They sampled the ship's cuisine.
You're right, Mur. They let
the old folks cut in line.
- What's in the bag?
- Oh, bacon bits.
- I'm taking some of these home.
- Smart.
And they relaxed.
They even found time
for some activities.
I've got a joke for this square,
but let me know if you've heard it B-4.
- Oh, my God.
- This guy puts his own spin on it.
Not quite a joke, but a smile.
Like a New Yorker cartoon.
I don't hate it.
I do.
Excuse me, ancient
and wizened co-passenger,
do you happen to have a granddaughter
or a great-granddaughter aboard
for me to romance?
What? It's a compliment.
I want to kiss a younger you!
Barry, this frozen boat trip
may not be the best place
for you to find a replacement
Shh! The foxy cruise director
just made eye contact.
Love is possible anywhere.
Hey, cutie, I'm Jenny,
your cruise director.
You look like you could use
something hot and sweet.
Oh, my God.
Was the new love of my life
into you instead of me?
Maybe. I mean,
stranger things have happened.
No, they haven't, ever.
Good news from the cancer doctor.
Your tumor is B-9.
Murray, wake up! You won Bingo!
Bingo!
Oh, wow! Wow!
Attaboy! That's my son!
Ben, I can't thank you enough.
This cut-rate maritime bus ride
has been the best Hanukkah gift ever.
Murray's having the time of his life!
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
I need him in a good mood.
Right? 'Cause what dad doesn't
want his son to be happy?
- Yeah.
- Oh, no.
Please don't tell me this generous gift
is just a facade
for some other, cynical agenda.
Of course not!
I do need a little loan, though.
How little?
Few grand.
Plus the cost of this trip.
The next day, my sister
decided she was gonna do
what Geoff wanted ignore the fact
that his family was screwed up
just like hers.
Time to light the candles!
Who wants to do it?
Ha! Definitely not Geoff!
I don't get it. Why is that funny?
I haven't been allowed
to light candles since I was 9
and I lit the table runner on fire.
His klutzy little hands
dropped the match.
My face was hurting so much
from laughing.
What an adorable story
about a boy
who made an innocent mistake,
which his parents taunt him
about well into adulthood.
Thank you for
that thorough recap, Erica,
but I love the memory
of almost burning down our home.
Blah-blah-boring.
Let me just light that sucker
with my Zippo.
Oh, my. You have a lighter
with your initials engraved in it.
I'm kind of a smoker now.
Look who's all grown up.
Damn it, Geoffrey! Stop slouching!
Whoopsies. Standing straight
will make me great.
That's another one of our fun sayings
that's always directed towards me.
- Should we eat?
- Way ahead of you.
Wait, where's the brisket?
I wait all year for it.
Well, keep waiting,
'cause this year,
I thought we'd mix it up.
- Your sister wanted grouper.
- Fun!
Who doesn't want to eat a fish
with the eyes still on?
Guys, I have an announcement,
and honestly, I'm a little nervous.
Jojobean, what is it?
I'm dropping out of law school
so I can pursue my dream of
becoming a professional singer.
- Oh.
- I'm really disappointed
that you were nervous to tell us
this incredible news.
My little girl is gonna be
the next Madonna!
- Yeah!
- What about law school?
Oh, it was a detour,
but now I'm on the path
that I was always meant for.
But you were never in a band or choir,
and you can't really play
an instrument or even whistle.
This is a passion I found recently
while humming to my shower radio.
I bet a lot of the greats
were just the same.
- Ooh! Linda Ronstadt, maybe.
- Sure.
You know, the music business
is notoriously difficult.
I mean, Erica, you pursued music.
Maybe you have some thoughts on this?
Oh, I'm just a crazy Goldberg.
I don't want to rub off
on your stable family.
Joanne, you are number one in our hearts
and, hopefully, the Billboard charts.
So follow your dreams, girl.
Rock 'n' roll!
Or pop or country or whatever.
Erica was staying out of it,
but my mom was diving in.
She had to tell my dad the real reason
Pop-Pop took us on the cruise.
Murray, we need to talk.
Give me a sec.
Oh!
Your father told you?
Yeah.
- He wants to play shuffleboard with me.
- What's that, now?
When I was a little boy,
he never played catch with me.
Now I'm getting the father
I always wanted.
You wanna warm up, champ?
"Champ"!
You hear that? Because I'm his champion.
I am now going to practice
and make him proud.
So, Blondie, when's the best time
for me to ask the big guy for the dough?
Never.
I'll give you your damn money,
but Murray can never find out.
We take this to our graves.
Ooh! Fancy pants over here
has grave money.
Looks like I came to the right people.
Okay, let's shuffle.
Wait. This pathetic game
is how I'll earn Jenny's love.
Adam, you're gonna be
my shuffle partner.
Nah. I'm not a puck guy.
Unless you're talking about
"A Midsummer Night's Dream."
Then I'd jump at the chance
to play a mischievous fairy.
Exactly.
While you keep saying
awful stuff like that,
I'll dominate these crusty old men.
No doubt winning
Jenny's heart, soul, and bottom.
And so, three generations
of Goldbergs shuffled.
- We clanked.
- Look at that.
- We scored.
- Yes!
- Barry did whatever this is.
- Yes!
And amazingly, pushing pucks
- pushed my dad and Pop-Pop together.
- Wha, wha, wha, wha!
I'm gonna say something
I've never said before.
Thank you.
This is the best Hanukkah
I have ever had.
- Yeah. For me, too.
- Ah.
Oh, best cruise ever!
Yep, things were going great
in the North Atlantic,
and not too bad
in the Schwartzes' living room.
Geoff, this is amazing!
Did you pay someone to do this?
I did it myself.
I took a class in technique
as an elective
and just noodled away at that
portrait when I had free time.
This is lovely, sweetie.
And it explains the B+
you got in Statistics.
My turn!
Mine's not something
you can hold or touch,
but you sure can feel it.
My gift is my song.
It's a little bit funny
This feeling insiiiiide
I'm not one of those who can
Easily hide
I know it's not much
But it's the best I can do-o-o-o-o-o
My gift is my so-ong
And this one's for you!
Bum-bum, bum-bum, bum!
In that moment,
Geoff finally had enough.
And you can tell everybody
To shut the [bleep] up!!
Geoff, what the hell?
How are you people crying over this?!
I literally gave you a work of art!
Wait. Did you not like my gift of song?
Honestly, no. I didn't.
You're not even the best singer
in the room.
Erica, just show her.
So, you're cool with my special
Goldbergian brand of support?
Yes.
And you admit that your family
isn't perfect either?
We're clearly a mess. Do it.
It's a little bit funny
This feeling inside
Where did she get a microphone?
I'm not one of those
who can easily hide
I know it's not much,
but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song,
and this one's for you
What was that?
Mommy, was she better than me?
It doesn't matter.
She shouldn't have done that.
Who gives a gift of song
when a gift of song
has already been given?
My lover does. 'Cause I told her to!
There you go, Geoff!
And don't say "lover" ever again.
- It's icky.
- Felt weird.
And you know what? I'm sick
of you guys favoring Joanne!
Where is this coming from?
Something's changed in you.
It's that Goldberg girl.
Yeah, her and her family.
Don't you blame her for this.
Erica's the only one who supports me.
In fact, we're leaving.
I've had a lovely time.
Thank you for the fish and music.
As Geoff told off his family,
Barry was ready to tell
Cruise Director Jenny
how he felt.
I hope we can wrap this game up
before sundown.
Once it's dark,
the temperature plummets.
I'll keep you warm, girl.
You can't.
No one can.
Hey, I don't know
what you're doing after this,
but there's a club on board.
I'll be there. You should check it out.
After all that power shuffling,
she still prefers you. It's insane.
Everyone has different tastes.
Different taste is like
"Do you like Coke or Pepsi?"
This is like "Do you like Coke
or lukewarm dishwater
that yaps about 'Star Wars'
and wear corrective underwear?"
That was for pelvic alignment!
And I've been patient with you
'cause you just got your heart broken,
- but this is too far.
- Ow!
Hey, Jenny My Cruise Director,
I'm in for that club.
Jenny My Cruise Director?
He has a girlfriend.
Bring her.
We're gonna play games,
and we even have Kool-Aid.
She's kinky and she likes fruit punch!
Life's unfair!
It's a club for children, isn't it?
That's right, little sailor!
Turns out, I wasn't the only
sailor hitting rough seas.
Aw, come on! That was a gimme!
True enough, but let's just stay focused
on the special father-son memory.
I don't need another memory
of my idiot son buckling under pressure.
Let's not forget
what this trip is all about.
No, no, no. Loan or not,
I'll call a moron a moron
when he's a moron.
- Loan?
- Ben's just loaning me
his, uh, shuffleboard thingy.
See? Look what I'm doing.
Nice cover-up, Nixon.
Your wife gave me the cash I needed
so you wouldn't get ferkakta
about the trip.
Damn it, Ben! You said
you'd take that to the grave!
Well, I'm old,
so I took it near the grave.
You just wanted money from me.
Unbelievable.
After yet another
disappointment from Pop-Pop,
my dad was ready to get
off the cruise port or not.
- Murray, where are you going?
- I gotta find a lifeboat.
You're gonna get in a tiny boat
in the middle of the Labrador Sea?
What are you gonna eat?
I'm sure on the lifeboat,
there's provisions and whatnot.
Biscuits.
Biscuits? What about protein?
You know how you get
when you don't eat your meats.
That is why I stole
a butter knife from the buffet.
Those fish come swimming by
Boom! Surprise!
You hate sushi.
There's a flare gun on that lifeboat.
I'll cook 'em up!
What about polar bears?
We're back to the butter knife.
You couldn't chase a possum
out from under the house.
How are you gonna kill a polar
bear with a butter knife?
With pure adrenaline
and the will to survive!
Stop it.
You are not getting off this boat
because of your dad.
It's not just 'cause of my dad.
There are other reasons.
Were you ever gonna tell me?
Of course.
But you two looked so happy
and you were getting along.
What was I supposed to do?
Stop trying to push us together.
Because then you give me
the worst gift of all
hope.
As my dad was lost at sea,
Geoff and Erica
found themselves alone at home.
Well, Hanukkah dinner's
not looking good.
Oh, God, what have I done?
You stood up for yourself.
I know. But I went too far.
Maybe. But take it
from a crazy Goldberg.
It's gonna be okay.
What are you doing here?
We wanted to say we're sorry.
You were right. About everything.
You've always been
our sweet, reliable Geoffy.
On the other hand, there's Joanne.
She's a lot.
So we give her a lot.
But that doesn't mean it's not unfair.
So it changes now.
We popped her balloon about the singing.
It is bad.
She's going back to law school.
And from now on, we're gonna be
more honest with each other.
Just like the Goldbergs.
But, you know less so.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
In that moment, Erica felt like
she really was
a part of Geoff's family
his perfectly messed-up family.
I'm sorry for calling you dishwater.
You're not.
You're a desirable, sensual
being with needs and wants.
Wow.
I guess my breakup with Ren
rocked me pretty hard.
It just feels like no one will
ever love me again, you know?
In that moment, I saw a Barry
that I wasn't that familiar with
vulnerable, scared, and defeated.
There was nothing I could say.
Or was there?
Yeah, Bar, here's the thing
Jenny is in love with you.
- What?
- It's basically true.
I went to claim my prize
her body.
But she told me she was
just using me to get to you.
- That makes so much sense!
- Of course it does.
Obviously, you can't
speak to her about this
because of all the maritime laws.
It'd be stuck in an international
tribunal for years.
- I don't want that.
- No one does.
But at least you know now
you're incredibly special.
And no doubt there's someone
perfect out there for you.
On land.
You know, you're a pretty good brother.
Well, I got an older one
who's taught me a lot.
Sometimes a white lie
can solve a problem.
And other times,
all you need is the truth.
Can I sit?
Why? So you can pretend to be
my dad so I'll give you money?
All right, fine. I'm a jerk.
We're on the same page.
Yeah, let me finish.
I'm a jerk, so people
don't stick around.
See, I thought that was okay.
But I'm getting older.
The other day, I couldn't
get my groceries upstairs,
and I figured no one's gonna help me.
Why would they?
So, you took me on this cruise
so I'd give you money?
For what?
I don't know.
Maybe a nurse?
Or someplace
that has bars in the shower?
I don't know. It's all terrible.
What's terrible is that
you think you have to bribe me
to take care of you.
What do you mean?
Y-You'd do it for nothing?
Of course I will. You're my father.
Thank you.
And now, uh, not for nothing,
I enjoyed myself on this tub,
uh, with you.
We had some moments.
Yeah, we did.
And there was still
one more great moment left.
And you can tell everybody
That this is your song
It may be quite simple, but
Now that it's done
I hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
Turns out, even the hardest
journeys are worth it
when you're with the people
who matter most.
On the boat. Let's take
a look around, shall we?
All right, here we got
our 20-foot picture window.
That's where Dad sleeps.
That's where Dad hit his head,
by the way.
Pop-Pop's Hanukkah gifts are here.
Get ready to be underwhelmed.
- Sweet! A bowling ball?
- With no finger holes.
Damn it! It's just a 16-pound marble!
Still better than mine.
I got a shower cap.
And it's wet!
But I'm the biggest loser.
He got me a box of trash bags.
I don't know. We can make it work.
Nice.
Trash coming in!
- Barry, no!
- Oh!