The Neighborhood (2018) s08e07 Episode Script

1
Who wants fresh-baked banana bread?
Oh, oh. Me, me, me, me.
- Smells great, Dave.
- DAVE: Oh, yeah,
it's Steve's secret recipe.
Oh. Who's Steve?
Oh, he's my mom's special friend.
He would make it for me
whenever he and my mom
went upstairs to do their taxes.
How often would they do their taxes?
I don't know, a couple times a week.
Does he know that
Do you really
want to pull that thread?
Calvin, as soon as
I got my oven fixed,
this was the first thing I made.
Oh. Well, what was wrong with it?
No idea. Man came over, went
straight to the breaker box,
worked his magic, and
now we're eating banana bread.
It wasn't magic, Dave.
Did you really just pay somebody
to flip your circuit breaker?
No.
It was free, with the protection
plan that I bought.
Oh, so it wasn't free.
It's actually $250 a year.
That's very not free.
Well, it was free today.
And it gives me peace of mind.
Look, I always check the box
for the extended warranty.
[LAUGHS] See?
That's how they get you.
I don't check any of those boxes.
As soon as that cashier
turns that screen towards me,
I turn it right back on her.
And I tell her,
"I ain't the one."
[LAUGHS]
Speaking of "one,"
that's your last one.
Well, look,
if you don't check the box,
you just end up paying a man.
Dave, you are the man.
Right, but a real man
knows how to delegate.
Right, Gemma?
Absolutely.
Although I got to say,
growing up in Hickory Corners,
my grandpa fixed
- everything himself.
- Yep.
He put a new roof
on the barn when he was 82.
Gemma, he fell to his death.
With a hammer in his hand.
That's how a real man goes out.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Malcolm, I can't read
the draft of your book
- with you staring at me.
- Okay, my bad.
I can feel your eyes.
Okay, here's Daphne,
fresh out of the bath.
Thank you, Mrs. B.
Oh, she is slippery.
She's slippery, Marty.
Oh. Uh, Mom, remember,
we said we only want to use
water-based products on Daphne,
so no Vaseline.
Oh, everybody knows
babies should be greasy.
Ah, yes, that common phrase.
Uh, what happened to the outfit
that I laid out for her?
Oh, you wanted her in that thing?
It was a gift from my grandma.
Oh. Oh, let me check the rag box.
I'm gonna go try to degrease her.
Whoa, she is like an eel.
Ah, that's crazy, huh? [CLEARS THROAT]
Can you get back to my book, please?
I'm sorry, Marty,
I'm just anxious to know
if I'm capturing
the romance novel vibe.
Okay, okay, okay.
[MUTTERS]
"Derek grasped her heaving bosom."
What's wrong?
Well, "bosom." And "heaving."
And I don't love "grasped."
It's a romance novel, Marty.
It's supposed to be seductive.
Yeah, well, I'm not feeling seduced.
I'm not trying to seduce you.
Then why'd you ask me to read it?
Because I wanted your opinion.
This could have been an email.
Oh, man.
These books are just not
in my wheelhouse, you know?
I wish I knew somebody who read them
who could be my, uh,
my smut consultant.
Well, we could get
Mama back up in here.
- Mama!
- No, no, no, Mama. No.
Anyone else.
Gemma.
You think so?
She does love those books.
Remember when she was reading
Pride and Prejudice,
and then the fake cover slipped off
and it was Fifty Shades of Grey?
Yeah. [LAUGHS]
Yeah, she was all, like,
"How did that get in here?"
Yeah, and then she ran away
screaming, "Don't judge me!"
In case you're wondering who's
gonna hook this baby up, uh,
you're looking at him. A real man.
Congratulations.
You know, I spent all night
watching how-to videos on YouTube,
and, uh, I got this.
Whoa, whoa. Uh, exc [CHUCKLES]
Bathroom is in the house, my friend.
Yeah, I imagine so.
Uh, excuse me. Uh, so,
are you not gonna bring it in?
Oh.
Nah.
You just signed up
for standard delivery.
That means that
I leave this on the premises,
and your lawn is the premises.
If you wanted it
brought into the house,
you should have checked the box
for white-glove service.
But, uh [CLEARS THROAT]
My friend says those boxes are, uh
[CLICKS TONGUE] how they get you.
Well, you didn't get got.
Have a nice day.
Well, hold on. D-Don't go.
Ca Can I check the box now?
Nah, you have to do it
at the time of the purchase.
Have a nice day.
I am not going to have a nice day.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, hey.
Oh, she's still a little greasy.
I know.
There she is. There's my little
everything. Yeah. Oh.
Hi. You want to know
what Gamma got you?
Is that a dress? Oh, yes, it is.
Oh, wow. So I see.
So many colors.
Right?
You know what would
make that outfit pop?
Earrings. When are you
getting her ears pierced?
Not sure yet, but not right now.
Aw, she would look so cute.
Yeah. She would.
So?
You know what it is?
I just I get a little squeamish
when it comes to piercings.
But thanks
so much for the dress. Love.
Well, I'm
glad you like it. I bought her
a sweater with the exact same pattern.
Can't wait to see it.
Okay, now.
I hate lying to your mom.
Yeah, I know, that dress looks like
someone threw up a box of crayons.
And the whole piercing thing.
I really feel like we need to
wait until Daphne is old enough
to make that choice for herself.
Totally agree.
But it would be
so hard to tell your mom that.
Totally agree.
So, how do you do it?
Do what?
Disagree with her.
Oh. No, I don't. I don't.
I learned that years ago.
Come on.
No, it's true. Really.
I used to think
my favorite color was blue,
but then my mom told me it was green,
and it turns out she was right.
"Mayday, Mayday, this is not a drill"?
What do you need, Dave?
Just a quick favor.
I need you to help me
pop that bad boy into the house.
That bad boy is a bathtub.
Why didn't you have
the delivery guys do it?
Well, I didn't choose
the white-glove service
because the little Calvin
on my shoulder
told me not to check any boxes.
Well, regular-size Calvin
says you're an idiot.
You don't check the box
for loyalty service,
you don't check the box
for travel protection,
but you always check the box
for white-glove service.
Especially for stuff
as big as a bathtub.
Including a bathtub.
Everybody knows that.
Well, I didn't know that. Look,
Calvin, please, I can't have Gemma
come home and see
that I couldn't do this.
How am I supposed to feel
like the man of the house
if I can't even be a man?
You knew that was gonna
get me, didn't you?
You knew it.
Come on, Dave. I mean, a bathtub?
Well, maybe you're right.
Guess I'm not gonna die
like Gemma's grandpa.
Probably die like my grandpa,
at a puppet show.
I got so many questions.
- Uh
- I
All right. Come on, I'll help you.
Okay. Calvin, thank you.
And I'll tell you what.
Once this bad boy is in,
you get the honor
of taking the very first bath.
Dave, this will be the last time
that I ever touch your bathtub.
Come on.
Calvin, these buddy straps
were a great investment.
Instead of spending
$95 on white-glove service,
I spent 60 on these straps,
and I get
to keep them forever. Calvin,
imagine the things we can lift.
Yeah, let's just
get this up the stairs, Dave.
Okay, now, Calvin,
remember, lift with your legs.
I've lifted things before.
Here we go. One, two, three,
- lift.
- Yep.
- Yep. Okay. All right.
- Okay. All right.
I think we got it. Here we go.
Right foot, left foot,
right foot, left foot.
We're doing it. Right foot, left foot.
Right foot, left foot.
Yeah, I know how to walk, Dave.
"Heaving bosom?"
I am taking that part out.
- I would.
- I am.
- Because that's a really old
- I'm taking it out, Gemma!
Okay? It's gone.
Look, here's the thing, Malcolm.
You're a terrific writer.
But the intimate moments?
They're lacking a certain
[PURRS, CHUCKLES]
Well, can you help me out?
I don't know,
give me an example of-of
- Yes.
- Oh.
Okay, and you
highlighted passages for me.
Yeah. For you.
Okay, look at this one.
"His hand traced her softness,
"claiming her body with every breath.
"She trembled like a fawn
in the path of his undeniable ardor."
Okay. So-so-so,
you're saying that's
[PURRS]
Oh, yeah.
Okay, here.
Here's another good example.
[CLEARS THROAT] Mm-hmm.
Uh, Gemma,
this is a biography of Steve Jobs.
No, it's not.
Calvin, slow down. You're pushing.
I'm not pushing. You're pulling.
Well, I can't see.
You're my eyes, Calvin.
- I don't know where I'm going.
- I've got the heavy end, Dave.
Lift up. You watch it
- You're pushing me into the door.
- I am not.
I'm gonna die! Okay, down, down, down!
What, what, what, what?
Okay. That wasn't so hard.
It's not gonna fit.
Calvin, yes, it will.
No, it's too wide. It's not gonna fit.
We won't know unless we try.
Well, my eyes know.
Let's just try,
and then we'll know for sure.
Okay? One, two, three,
lift. All right.
Okay.
And now we know.
Hey.
[GASPS] Oh, hey!
There's my Daphne.
Thank you, Mama.
Doesn't she look pretty?
Well, yeah, she always looks pretty.
Mm-hmm.
Doesn't she look
extra pretty?
God, no!
You got her ears pierced?
Yeah. Don't worry, I did a video.
She was crying. It was so cute.
Mom, Courtney's gonna flip out.
Wait, why? She just told me
that she was too squeamish
to take Daphne herself.
This is what good grandmas do.
That is what she said.
The truth is, she wanted to wait
until Daphne was old enough
to make the decision for herself.
What? Wait, wait, wait.
I don't understand.
Like, why wouldn't she
just be honest with me?
I can take it.
I'm the most easygoing person
in the world.
- Oh, my God.
- [CHUCKLES]
Look, I know you think that,
but sometimes you can be a little
A little what, Marty?
Go ahead, spit it out.
You think I'm pushy?
That's that's what Malcolm says.
Okay, good.
You've got Serafina
and Derek in the boathouse.
- It's go time.
- Yeah.
All right. [LAUGHS]
How do they go?
They just go.
She throws him on the bed.
Yeah, but there's
no bed in the boathouse.
Then she throws him in a boat.
[GROANS]
Gemma, you've been telling me
to slow things down.
Yes, Malcolm, but now
you've got them ready.
Derek has been watching Serafina
put on her suntan lotion
on the veranda.
She admired his muscles when
he hauled in his crab traps.
And she has needs.
Reginald hasn't touched her in weeks.
I mean, this-this is
a-a pressure cooker
that's about to explode.
Yeah. Okay. Uh [CLEARS THROAT]
"Serafina clawed hungrily
"at Derek's belt.
"She pushed him down
"in the dirty dinghy.
She can't get his pants off
fast enough."
Yes. That is so nasty.
What? Keep going.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Okay, okay.
DAVE: Check us out.
Well-oiled machine.
Yep.
Yep, yep, we got this.
All right, now. Okay.
Thank goodness we have
the double doors back here.
[BOTH SIGH]
- All right.
- Yeah.
All we got to do is just
get it over to the bathroom,
and we're done.
[SIGHS]
You mean "up."
What do you mean, "up?"
Well, it's going in our bathroom.
Upstairs.
W-What about the bathroom down here?
Well, that's a half bath.
Yeah, we put the tub in there,
then it's a full bath.
Nah, come on, Calvin.
Let's strap back up. Let's take it up.
Da-David, I'm not going upstairs.
Your porch is only four steps
and it almost killed us.
You know what, maybe you're right.
You know, Gemma's
just gonna have to accept
that she's not married to The Rock.
I'm just a pebble.
Dave "The Pebble" Johnson.
Dave, you are not a pebble.
Look, Calvin,
it's not just about the bathtub.
Look, look, I know, man.
You lost your job, but
that doesn't make you less of a man.
Calvin, this is
not easy to say, but
Gemma and I, in the bedroom
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Pump your brakes.
[SCOFFS]
It's not what you think.
Look
we haven't been having sex.
That's exactly what I thought.
And now I know.
Well, it's great, at least,
that I have someone
I can share everything with.
No, not everything.
Look, David,
you're my friend, and so
let's just take care
of this tub situation,
and the other thing, it'll, uh,
be up and running in no time.
I'll go find us some help.
Thanks, man.
Don't you cry. Don't you do it.
There she is.
Mommy's home.
MARTY: Hello.
Hello, Courtney.
Ooh, Marty, you have to listen to this
amazing nine-part podcast
about the helium shortage.
- I swear, it's
- Daphne has
her ears pierced.
What?
Oh, my God.
Did your mother do this?
Look, I will not
sell out my own mother,
but, yes. Yes, she did.
I don't believe this.
That woman has no right
- Hey.
- [MARTY SHRIEKS]
Mrs. B. [LAUGHS]
It is so nice to see you.
Oh, cut the crap.
You know damn well
it's not nice to see me.
Excuse me?
Oh, come on. After what I did?
You need to stop being so polite
and start being real with me.
Hold on. You're mad at me?
You're the one
who pierced my baby's ears.
That's because you were too respectful
to tell me not to.
And stuff like this is gonna
keep happening
unless you start telling me
how you really feel. Because, honey,
I'm in my fifties
and I ain't changing.
Okay.
You did overstep.
Look, I get that
you're the grandmother,
- but I am the mother.
- Mm.
Uh-uh. Still too nice.
If you want to respect me,
stop being so damn respectful.
Okay. Okay.
Truth is, sometimes it's like
the concept of boundaries
is completely alien to you.
That was good.
Okay, better. Keep going.
Well, sometimes you barrel over me
like your opinion is the only opinion.
Okay, okay.
Now swing harder.
Say it with your chest.
Stay in your lane, woman.
Miss Tina.
Ma'am.
Respectfully.
TINA: Okay. See?
Now, had you been blunt
like that with me yesterday,
my grandbaby would not
have holes in her ears.
Okay. Fair.
All right, so now that
we're being honest,
do you like the dress
that I gave Daphne?
Oh.
Wait, uh, what dress
Seize the moment, Courtney.
I hate it.
It looks like a rainbow
stepped on a land mine.
I already shrunk it
in the dryer on purpose.
Mm-hmm.
I kept the receipt. I mean,
I could have returned it.
But you know what?
Thank you for your honesty.
Mommy,
my favorite color is blue.
Boy, shut up. It's green.
Look at your sweater.
Oh. Hey, everybody.
I need your help
to move Dave's bathtub.
- What?
- What? Why?
His bathtub got stuck
on the ground in the front yard,
but then come to find out
[WHISPERING]
Oh.
Oh, no.
- Poor Gemma.
- [CHUCKLES]
I mean, that is my worst nightmare.
Me too.
Good thing that ain't us.
You know what I'm saying?
[BOTH MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Excuse me.
Do you really think
you're being subtle?
All right, everybody, bathtub is in.
Now we'll just go
take a quick water break
and then pop back up
and hook up the plumbing.
Oh, well, you know, I think
I left something on the stove.
Yeah, and I just
need to change Daphne.
Well, I-I got to go help Courtney.
They're not coming back, are they?
Nope.
Well, you're with me, right?
David, I have been doing
manual labor man work all day.
I'm going home and
I'm taking me a bubble bath.
Well?
Malcolm, this is
[PURRS]
[LAUGHS]
- Wait, wait. Really?
- Really.
Okay, so-so I didn't go too far
with-with the, uh,
the beads of sweat and
And the wet, flimsy shirt
clinging to his chest?
No.
Oh, yes.
Yeah. Okay, so,
the next time Serafina
and Derek get together,
it's after the gala,
so do you think
- I got to Dave.
- You got to what?
I got to go.
You got Hey, uh
- Gemma, you forgot your purse.
- Keep it!
Dave. Dave!
♪
Oh, hey, baby. Sorry I'm such a mess.
That's a mess I can get into.
What? Gemma?
- Yeah?
- You okay?
Yeah. [SCOFFS]
Just look at you.
I mean, you're-you're all sweaty.
- What happened?
- Oh, yeah, well,
you know, sometimes, when a man
installs a whole damn bathtub,
you get a little sweaty.
Come on.
Well, where we going?
I'm taking you to the boathouse.
The-the boathouse?
The bathtub! The bathtub. The bathtub.
sync & corrections awaqeded