The Goldbergs s08e08 Episode Script

1
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
I loved a good mystery,
whether it was UFOs or who shot J.R.,
the Bermuda Triangle,
or what was in New Coke.
So it was no mystery
that I loved the movie "Clue."
I was so obsessed, I even took
my own mom to go see it.
- I loved it.
- Was it the mystery?
The crime most foul? The snooty butler?
- It was the swanky party.
- What?
All those people dressed to the nines
and eating fancy foods
and discussing nonsense.
That is my dream.
But I think the nonsense
they were discussing
was a murder of a colleague.
How fun would that be,
solving the brutal stabbing
of a good friend?
I guess you could throw your own
murder-mystery party.
Yes! And it'll be
the social event of the year
and every year after that until I die
and my friends gather
to solve that crime.
I'll script the whole thing!
It'll be a night full of danger,
dialogue, and distrust!
Can you guys keep it down?
I'm watching "Dukes of Hazzard."
Dad, we're planning
a murder-mystery party.
- It's gonna be fun.
- Fun? N-No thank you.
Look at me. We're doing this.
Look at me. Over my dead body.
Yes! He can be the dead body.
Sounds like too much work.
This is the perfect
amount of work for you.
You just have to exist.
'Cause movement of any kind
is a deal breaker.
I'll murder you quick. I promise.
- Fine.
- Yay! Murray's kinda in.
A Goldbergs murder-mystery party.
How have we not done this?
Yay!
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was January 13th, 1980-something,
and Erica was about to get
a major reality check.
Ms. Goldberg [Sighs] any idea why
I've called you into the dean's office?
You want to put me on your famous list?
Is there, like, a cash prize,
or is it just something
worthless like honor?
Weirdly, the Dean's List
is not generated by the dean
- but a provost
- Can we just get to it?
I have a puppetry class in ten.
Well, that's why we're here.
It seems you haven't
declared a major yet.
But I'm only a sophomore.
Can't I just keep sampling classes
until something strikes my fancy?
That depends. Are you a member
of the well-heeled patrician
class where money is no object?
My dad's had
the same three pairs of pants
since I've known him, so not so much.
Well, I think you should pick now.
Your major affects your internships,
which turn into jobs,
which turn into a good life.
[Chuckles] Or not.
Some people are just unhappy.
Are you one of those people?
My depression is seasonal.
Okay, go. [Chuckles]
Pick a major!
Hey, oceanography.
Bing, bang, boom.
My life path is settled!
But you hate the ocean.
You said it's God's toilet.
Fair.
Computer science.
Hello, future. It's me, Erica.
Let's do this.
- You're really gonna program computers?
- Is that what that means?
Damn it! Why is this so hard?!
I mean, who actually knows
what they want to do
with their life at this age?
This handsome devil right here.
Barry, I don't want to hear it.
So you are aware that I'm a bio major
with a pre-med concentration
Oh, you're gonna be a doctor?
I got worried because you hadn't
said it in six seconds.
How dare you? I have never mentioned
my career in the life-saving arts.
I shall be a doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Brain doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
Doctor Tasty's ready to save lives.
- No one cares.
- Dr. Milgrom does.
He gave me an internship this summer.
Well, have fun mopping up bodily fluids
while Geoff and I hit the beach.
Uh, actually, I'm interning, too.
What?! But you're a freshman!
You seem upset. I'll just cancel it.
Point is, "Undeclared-ica,"
you either know what you want
to do with your life me
or you float around
like a turd in a toilet you.
I'm not a turd.
[Chuckles]
Said the turd.
Don't listen to him, babe.
You're not a turd.
- Turds can't talk.
- When you defend me, it's worse.
It was a tough area.
As Erica was spinning out,
our murder-mystery party was revving up.
Places, everyone!
The suspects are arriving soon.
[Breathes deeply]
Is there anything better
than opening night?
Yes, the end of the night,
when we close the door.
Dad, where's the rest of your costume?
I came up with some new
backstory for my character.
He doesn't care.
But I do.
Put some cloth between my eyes and that.
I don't take notes.
Murray, your murder kicks off
the entire night.
Put these on now.
What I do for you people.
[Doorbell rings, knock on door]
Hi. We're here for the murder.
Ha! That's not something people say.
Good evening.
Bitterfrost the Butler
at your service, sir.
And so cute in your little-boy tuxedo,
just like Fred Savage at the Emmys.
I know not of what you speak, ma'am.
I was born to a scullery maid.
Ooh! He is not breaking character.
So fun! And possibly annoying.
Good evening, everyone.
I'm Madame Topaz, an elegant Parisian
with impeccable class and dignity.
Murray, put your [bleep] pants on!
- [Doorbell rings]
- We're here.
I brought mushroom cups.
I'm Lady Alabaster.
And I'm Kitchen Helper
Number One. No name given.
Well, remember, Essie,
it's better for the help
to be seen and not heard.
You invited me.
- Oh.
- [Doorbell rings]
Hello, new friends. I'm John Glascott.
I hate to come empty-handed,
so please enjoy
these homemade crab cakes.
Fun!
The secret is to only use claw.
[Chuckles]
You invited my guidance counselor?
I ran into him at the market.
He saw all the alcohol in my basket
and asked if we were having a party.
So? Tell him you're an alcoholic!
He'd believe it with kids like us!
Sorry to interrupt, Boy Butler,
but I'm not familiar with
murder-mystery parties.
What the hell is all this?
We would like all our guests
to please refer to their dossiers.
"Captain Eggnog.
A war profiteer
with a monocle and pipe."
I-I didn't have any of that stuff.
I'm Mr. Pistachio, "a career diplomat
who should wear a green blazer
if you have it."
[Chuckles] Well, lucky for you,
this is one of nine.
I'm Miss Cabernet,
"a bombshell babe in a yowza dress."
[Chuckles] How flattering.
And accurate.
Wait. Adam, did you write that?
Assigned randomly.
I'm Linda the housekeeper.
And that's my name.
And I am "foreign"?
- That's it?
- To the dining room!
While our murder-mystery party
was getting under way,
Erica felt underwater picking a major.
I want to thank you
for this lovely spread
of loose jelly beans and sink water.
Hey, you're my number-one grandpa.
And I need your help
choosing a college major.
Honey, I get it. It's a big decision.
Maybe art history?
Damn it! Why was that so easy
for stupid Barry?
He gets to be a doctor
who makes a crap-ton of money
and drives a convertible
with vanity plates
that say "Dr. Big Tasty."
You shouldn't compare yourself to Barry.
You two are very different!
Yeah, he's gonna live
in an apartment over the park
while I'm stuck
in an equally luxurious place
because my husband's a doctor,
but it's not the same.
Look, hon, you can do anything you want
if you put your mind to it.
Maybe art history?
You're right. I could totally
be a doctor, too.
But until this moment,
you never once expressed
an interest in medicine.
Oh, thank you, Pops.
It might be time to stop
emotionally investing
in my grandchildren.
With that, my sister
had made up her mind.
She was gonna be a doctor.
Which was news to Barry.
- Goldberg?
- Here.
- Also here.
- Erica?
Surprise, I'm gonna be a doctor, too.
What? No, you're not.
There's only one Dr. Goldberg
in this class and on the planet.
Oh, you really don't have a grasp
of who makes up the medical community.
But you should be happy
we're going on this journey together!
You're not a doctor!
At best, you're one of those
pharmaceutical reps
who pushes allergy meds
in a pencil skirt!
Whatever. This isn't about you anyway.
It's about me helping gross, sick people
and having a dope-ass beeper.
But what kind of doctor
would you even be?
Obviously not the kind
that deals with your downstairs
or backside business.
And nothing with the mouth or ears.
And, of course, the middle
is off the table.
That's the entire body.
I didn't rule out shins.
I'll be a "shin-ologist." Look at me go.
Welcome to human anatomy.
Look around.
Half of you will fail,
a quarter will go on to med school,
and one will kill a man
through gross malpractice.
She's talking about you.
Hey, malpractice makes "malperfect."
It was game on between Erica and Barry.
Meanwhile, our murder-mystery
party was taking off.
Oh, oh, oh. That's crab, Billy.
You're highly allergic.
Blazes. I love that sweet sea meat,
but I love breathing more.
Good catch, babe.
One clam almost ruined
our whole trip to Myrtle Beach.
That was a nasty rash.
Oh, I've been there. [Chuckles]
Myrtle Beach, not the rash business.
- I love poppin' off my top.
- Oh.
Salty air on my flesh
while I proudly
strut down the boardwalk.
[Chuckles]
- Again, I'm John.
- Ooh, try my mushroom cups, Bill.
Try 'em. No seafood.
And if you're allergic
to flavor, you're still okay.
Ladies and gentlemen,
are you aware
of the bond you share tonight?
We're all open to new friendships?
Unh-unh. You are all about to embark
on a two-hour grand mystery
full of scripted twists and turns,
ending in murder!
[All gasping, exclaiming]
- Murder!
- Your weapons are served.
Speaking of, did, uh, Bill kill me yet?
- Murray!
- I'm sorry.
Has Dr. Prune killed me?
No, you just blew the ending!
Well, maybe nobody heard me.
I've heard every sound that's
come out of your body tonight.
It's okay. We still don't know
where Dr. Prune killed him or with what.
There ya go. We'll just
forget the basement
- and pick a new spot.
- Stop talking!
Yeah, don't even need to use
the ice skate.
- Oh, my God!
- So it was Dr. Prune
in the basement with the ice skate.
Well, that was a fun evening.
Can I drop anyone off?
Sure.
Damn it to hell, Murray!
All you had to do
was lay there and play dead,
but instead, you ruined the night!
All right, I-I'm sorry.
- Wait. I can fix it!
- He can fix it.
Yep. All I had to do
was rewrite my entire mystery
from scratch.
- Just got to boot this up.
- [Computer beeps]
- Takes a few seconds.
- Or minutes.
Yes! Okay, just need
to pop in the old diskette.
Yeah, this wasn't happening
anytime soon.
Oop. This one's full.
Let me find a fresh one!
- [All gasp, scream]
- [Glass shatters]
- [Groans]
- No!
There's crab cake in this mushroom cup!
Stand back! I'm an ophthalmologist!
Anybody else? Preferably not
a guy who sells Ray-Bans.
[Groans]
Oh, it passed.
Now it's just mild discomfort,
but what a ride.
You know what this means?
Someone in this house is a murderer.
But I'm still alive.
Attempted murderer.
It's just a scratchy throat.
Well, somebody's guilty of something.
The mystery's back on!
[Thunder crashes]
Great! 'Cause this thing
is still warming up.
Bill Lewis was crabbed!
My mom's big murder-mystery party
had gotten something even better
a real almost murder.
Can you believe it?
Someone tried to kill Bill.
This is the best!
Not for Bill!
He's still a little splotchy
around the tummy and neck.
Only the woman that loves me
would want to study
my nooks and crannies.
Or maybe it's an act
to throw us off her scent.
Clearly, Dolores crabbed you
to collect on your ample life insurance.
Please. She's the breadwinner.
- If anything, I'd crab her.
- Aww!
Not to rain on this strange parade,
but maybe my good friend Bill
grabbed a crab cake by mistake.
That makes sense,
except for the friend part.
I haven't said two words to you.
Well, now you have.
Get on in here. I'm a hugger.
Not so fast on that hug!
You're the one who brought
the deadly shellfish.
But I wouldn't hurt a soul.
You did crack open those crabs
and rip their legs off.
Sure, but they're ugly bottom-feeders.
They don't have souls.
They don't feel love.
There is no crab heaven.
Well, I'm in crab heaven.
Was there a sauce that came with these?
What about Lou? We all saw
the way he ogled Dolores
in her Miss Cabernet dress.
Lou? Is that true?
She's a handsome lady.
I enjoy her shape.
This night has been great
for my self-esteem.
But would someone really kill Mr. Lewis
over his new bride's athletic frame?
Well, on that note, I'm leaving.
Why? Are you running from something?
Perhaps a murder?
Please.
What reason would I have
to gently crab Bill?
I don't know. Perhaps
you've had it out for him
ever since he installed
that hideous tile
- in your powder room.
- [Gasps] It's not hideous!
It's terracotta!
Everyone loves terracotta!
- They really don't.
- It's a trash tile.
You've gone too far.
Wait! "U R NEX."
An ominous and unfinished warning!
Well, it couldn't have been Ginzy.
She'd never ruin her own crappy coat.
Then who's the criminal mastermind?
[Thunder crashes]
While our plot thickened, Erica
was in the thick of studying.
Why would anyone need to know
all eleven bones in the human foot?
They wouldn't, dum-dum.
There's twenty-six.
Oh, really? And you can name them?
Every metatarsal.
See, I write raps
to help the material stick.
Please don't rap. And he's rapping.
[Rapping] Yo, the human
foot, yeah, it's full of bones
You got the helix, the tarsal,
and the hammer toe
Ya stand on your foot,
and it don't give out
The bones of the foot's
what I'm all about
Don't get a bunion, y'a-a-a-all!
Wow. Both dumb and useless.
Okay, please, let's all
just try to remember
that we're friends and family
and we should support each other.
Opposite. I will dominate
and embarrass her
into not only not becoming a doctor
but never seeking medical
attention in her life.
Well, when I become a doc,
I'll name a skin disease after you.
"I'm sorry, ma'am, you have Barry-tigo.
It's hideous and incurable."
When you fail, I will make you my nurse.
Why would she take a job as your nurse?
It's the only job in medicine
she'll be able to get.
I'm off to rap-study.
That's not a thing.
We shall see when I use all twenty-six
bones in my foot to defeat you.
Hyah!
Doctor kick.
Um, I'm not sure what a doctor kick is,
but you should probably study harder.
Oh, believe me, I will.
I will.
C-plus? Crapity, crap, crap, crap!
"A," baby!
[Chuckles] Nice work, Mr. Goldberg!
Thank you. Your teaching
literally saves lives.
Excuse me, Professor?
I think you messed up.
See, there was a bunch of stuff
on the test I didn't know,
so what are you gonna do
to correct this?
I do have one idea. For next week's lab,
I'm gonna pair you
with a stronger student.
- Your brother.
- What? No.
Oh, yes, and I have
so much to teach you.
There you go.
Lesson one.
[Blows raspberry]
Write that down.
As Erica couldn't have felt smaller,
the criminal mastermind
remained at large.
Okay, here's what we know.
Bill was crabbed in the den,
- and Ginzy's beautiful coat
- [Imitates buzzer]
was bedazzled in the foyer.
And every guest had
the time of their life!
I did it!
I'm the Jackie O. of Jenkintown!
This fake murder thing still happening?
No thanks to you,
but the evening has taken
a welcome turn.
There's a monster among us.
Monster. Wait a second.
- That's it. Beverly did it!
- [Thunder crashes]
Essie, I swear to God,
if we ever do this again,
- you're eating in the kitchen.
- Think about it.
Who among us benefits the most
from this evening continuing?
Beverly.
You were probably jealous
that Dolores showed you up
in that smokin' dress.
Okay, wait a minute.
You really think I did this?
You did desperately
want the night to work out.
And when it didn't, you poisoned me?
And ruined my coat.
Bedazzling is one of your
signature activities.
- You all think I did it?
- Definitely!
- It makes sense.
- Hey, after this,
who wants to go to Dairy Queen
for Blizzards and gossip?
Dad, they're turning on your wife.
Hey, just want to say thanks for coming,
and this'll count as my goodbye
so I don't have to say it individually.
- To the DQ!
- [Thunder crashes]
- Murray, this is all your fault.
- Me? What did I do?
You gave away the entire fake mystery
and didn't participate in the real one.
And for some reason, you
took a bath and put a robe on.
What was I supposed to do?
Anything.
This night meant a lot to me.
We haven't had a dinner party
in a long time,
and I thought it would be
a fun, new tradition,
but shame on me for thinking
that you would want to be
a part of something.
As I leave, I should mention
that your robe is ajar.
While my mom's night was ruined,
Erica was jumping in with
both feet or at least one.
In front of each station
is a real human foot.
You and your partner
will be dissecting it
and identifying the bones,
muscles, and tendons.
Good luck.
Okay. Here's how this is gonna go.
You do nothing, and we both
get the "A" I deserve.
No way. I got this. I'm ready.
[Sighs]
Whoa. That's, like, the real thing.
So lithe and elegant.
Probably a ballerina.
Don't make it a person.
[Retches] Oh, God.
That's the inside of a foot.
Okay, just back off. It's not my fault
you don't know what you want
to do with your life.
Of course I know. I want to be
[Retching] a-a doc a doc
Toes. There's so many toes.
You can't even say "doctor"? Pathetic.
That's because I don't say,
I do! Now gimme the foot!
No, stop! You're making the foot dance!
It's hilarious, but not the time!
- [Grunts]
- [Screams]
[Screams] The foot touched my foot!
No, don't kick it!
Just pick it up, pick it up!
I'll just cover it with this bucket.
No, it's not a spider!
It's a dead lady's kicker!
- Okay. There.
- Step away from the foot.
Both of you leave my class now,
and don't come back.
You did this.
It's one thing to be competitive,
but it's another to ruin
the one thing I always wanted.
Thanks a lot, Erica.
My mom's murder-mystery party
had gone bust,
but every good murder mystery
has a twist.
Everyone, stop!
I figured out who crabbed Bill
and bedazzled Ginzy!
Adam, it's over.
Not yet. You're all gonna
want to see this.
Our criminal mastermind is
Me? What are you talking about?
I don't do things.
And yet you did.
[As butler] In order to help
you understand what happened,
I shall need to take you through
the events of the evening
step by step.
First, everyone showed up,
and Mrs. Schwartz was hurtful
when she said,
"You look like Fred Savage
at the Emmys."
I don't think I said it like that.
And Mr. Lewis was all,
"Jimminy Criminy!
We're here for the murder!"
Kid's a regular Rich Little.
Then Virginia arrived
with her deadly mushroom cups.
They weren't deadly. They were a hit.
Well, I think the whole evening
was delicious.
Just to reiterate,
my first name is John.
Then Dad ruined the game 'cause
he wasn't paying attention.
No one could tell, but he felt bad!
Your father doesn't feel regret.
Or shame or modesty
or common social decency.
Not typically, but tonight,
he wanted to fix things
and didn't know how.
He did know Bill had a mild allergy,
so he killed the lights
[All gasp, exclaim]
and smashed a light bulb
- for dramatic effect!
- [Glass shatters]
Under cover of darkness,
he grabbed a crab cake
and jammed it into a mushroom cup.
Bill took a bite and went down.
[Groans]
I suppose that makes some sense,
but what about my coat?
Simple.
While we were all busy bickering
"Your tile's hideous."
"There's no crab heaven."
"I enjoy her shape"
That gave Dad time
to find the closest thing
he could to a weapon
Mom's bedazzling gun.
[Gasps] Murray.
Is that true?
- What gave me away?
- [Thunder crashes]
The mid-party bath.
You were so overheated
by frolicking amok,
committing heinous acts,
you had to cool your body down.
Murray, you could've
seriously hurt Bill.
Nah, I saw him accidentally
eat some popcorn shrimp
at a Sixers game.
- I figured it was worth it.
- For fun like that,
you can play fast and loose
with my life anytime.
Wait. Y-You all had a good time?
- Big time.
- So much.
I need all your numbers.
My coat is still ruined.
But why? Why did you do this?
I guess I just felt bad
that I screwed up your big night.
That is the sweetest thing
you have ever done for me.
Really?
[Wreckless Eric's
"Whole Wide World" playing]
For the ones you love,
you got to step out
of your comfort zone,
even when all you can do
is own up to your mistakes.
You okay, kiddo?
No.
I screwed up college again.
I'm not pre-med. I'm not pre-anything.
Mm. That's okay.
And she probably lives in Tahiti
You'll figure it out.
What if I don't?
I already went down
one wrong path with music.
What if it happens again?
It might.
Well, that's not comforting at all.
Life's full of a million paths.
I'm still trying out new ones myself.
- Really?
- Sure.
Your major doesn't matter.
What matters is your passion,
and that, you got tons of.
- I guess.
- I know.
And you should probably use some of it
to fix what happened with your brother.
In that moment, Erica realized
what Pops had been
trying to say all along.
There was one way
only she could help Barry.
Please. I need this class.
Mr. Goldberg, I've made up my mind.
- Reconsider.
- I'm sorry?
Exhibit A, Barry's last test
the highest grade in the entire class.
Exhibit B, a letter from Dr. Milgrom
certifying Barry's internship
this summer.
And Exhibit C, Barry's time card
from Abbington Memorial,
where he volunteers.
- What's your point?
- My point is,
Barry's always wanted to be a doctor,
and he's gonna be a damn good one.
Are you really gonna
take his future from him
because of my screw-up?
Wow. You advocated for your brother
better than he could for himself.
I wrote an apology rap.
Yeah, which I don't want to hear again.
You're back in. Now please leave.
Turns out the best way to
figure out what's right for you
is by seeing strengths in others.
Erica, wait.
Thank you.
It's the least I could do,
since I almost ruined your life
over a severed foot.
Well, I appreciate it.
Did you ever consider being a lawyer?
- Not really.
- Well, you should,
because you were really
impressive back there.
I kind of was, wasn't I?
Truly. And whatever it is
you do decide to do,
I-I know you'll be awesome at it.
I'd go the whole wide world
Sometimes, life can be
one giant mystery,
and it's not easy to solve,
but you might be surprised
where you end up,
like being clued in to your
loved one's favorite movie,
or even pursuing a path in life
you hadn't considered.
In the end, if you keep
exploring your passion
and following your gut,
one thing becomes clear
you'll find yourself exactly
where you should be,
ready to take on the whole, wide world.
Yeah!
[Ding!]
[Ding!]
[School bell rings]
GLASCOTT: There he is!
My murder-mystery buddy!
We fraternize outside these walls.
- [Laughter]
- Please keep it down.
I already have
a precarious social dynamic
that doesn't need "teacher's friend"
added to the mix.
So, did anyone ask about me?
Um, Ginzy? Lou?
That sassy Bill?
I haven't spoken to my parents' friends
about anything because
I'm in high school
- and they're old.
- Good times.
So, when is the next evening
of merriment and laughter?
I'm just gonna write down
Mrs. Kremp's phone number
because it's the only one I know.
Finally. [Chuckles]
867-5
Eh, this is from a song!