The Neighborhood (2018) s08e08 Episode Script

1
Just not the Christmas season
until Tina puts out her Black Santas.
You mean Santas, right?
Isn't that what I said?
Kind of.
Hey, hey, Malcolm,
let me use your phone
before your mom gets back.
I need to use your app
to make reservations
for our date-a-versary.
No, Pop.
I don't want you using my app.
Look, I got a perfect
five-star rating, man,
and I know you, okay?
First off, you gonna be late,
and then you gonna send stuff back,
and then you gonna say,
"Well, my table's under a vent."
- Fine.
- Yup.
Marty, let me see your phone.
Oh, no, Daddy, you don't want mine.
I'm in the doghouse with that app.
A couple of months ago, Daphne
threw up at Brunch & Beyond,
now I got a three-star rating
and I can't get in anywhere.
Malcolm, come on.
I'm not gonna ruin your rating.
They know me at Giovani's.
It's been our special place
for 38 years.
- Come on, man.
- (SIGHS) Okay.
- All right.
- Table for two, tomorrow night, 6:30.
- Okay. All right.
- Do that for me.
Good. Hey, hey, but if they
put me under a vent,
they gonna hear about that.
No, Pop! We just talked about that.
Hey.
Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Put Isaac down.
Isaac? You named this Black Santa?
ALL: It's just Santa.
Yeah, come on.
Yes, let's get these out
and looking good.
Katrina's coming over tomorrow.
Katrina?
That's the lady from the salon
you've been talking about.
Yeah. We get along so well,
we decided to take
our friendship beyond the salon.
Huh, look at this.
Santa's surfing.
Why is that surprising?
It's not surprising. It's just
Just, uh, just what, Dave?
I-I just didn't think
that Black Santa
- A what?
- Yeah, take your time.
- Uh, that a Santa of color
- (CLEARS THROAT)
I just wasn't aware that there
were waves at the North Pole.
I'm gonna scoot.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Oh, the elf.
On the shelf.
So we're still doing that?
Well, how else will Santa know
if Grover has been naughty or nice?
He's 14. He doesn't care
what that elf sees.
True. He doesn't care
what I see either.
You know, just the other day
Dave, do not ruin my Christmas.
Gemma, do not worry.
This Christmas is going to be epic.
Yeah, about that.
Let's not go crazy
with the gifts this year.
Totally agree. Don't worry.
We're gonna keep things small,
but next year,
when I have some great new job,
I'm going bananas.
An elf on every shelf.
Oh, good.
(KNOCKING)
- Knock, knock.
- Oh, hey, Marty.
Oh, hey.
Um
Dave.
I need your help
- with something delicate.
- Oh.
I am a delicate man.
I am gonna buy something for Courtney.
An engagement ring.
- Ooh! Marty. Congratulations.
- (LAUGHS) Thanks.
Yes, I will be your best man.
And yes, I will
break the news to Malcolm.
No, no, man, a-actually,
I-I just need your help
getting the ring
while she's out of town.
Oh, well, of course.
Oh, thanks, man.
I was worried
she was never gonna be ready,
but she's going to her third
bachelorette party this year.
Her single friends
are dropping like flies,
and she is weakening.
And I'm going to prey
on that weakness.
Well, that is very romantic, Marty.
Yes. Oh, b-but
you-you can't tell Gemma
'cause it'll get back to my mom,
and this has to be a secret.
Oh, don't worry, this stays
between you, me and the elf.
Oh, you mean the white elf?
No, no, no, Marty, it's just an elf.
Exactly.
(KNOCKING)
Hey, hold on, Mercedes.
One second. (GRUNTS) Sorry,
- I was just
- Excuse me. Who are you?
I'm Gwenny, Mercedes' producer.
- Uh, okay, hey. (STAMMERS)
- Roland. Uh-uh.
Pillows are all wrong.
- What are you doing here?
- Decorating the set.
The set? Hey, no, no.
This is my house.
- Malcolm.
- Hey. Okay.
Look
Mercedes. Mercedes.
Hey, hey, hey. What's going on?
I-I thought we were meeting
about the book,
and these people seem to think
we are filming it.
Oh, my God. (LAUGHS)
I take it as a given. I'm sorry.
This is reality television.
We film everything,
but that's okay with you right?
- Actually, I think
- You're a sweetheart.
We're doing something
about this table, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Roland, kill the table.
Whoa, whoa.
Do not kill my table, Roland.
Now, what Oh
Oh, my God. Mercedes,
you-you I'm sorry.
You are making a reality show
and you're getting rid of my reality?
Yes, we need it to be
more aspirational.
This whole place gives
"starving writer."
I am a starving writer.
Mercedes, what is even going on?
I don't know how to do this.
Look, don't worry. This is reality.
Just be yourself.
So, what, just-just sit here
and-and be your writer?
Well, actually, we want
the audience to think that
I'm writing the book,
so you're my editor.
Ah, okay, yeah. (LAUGHS)
That is not being myself.
- Wow. Okay, I like this one.
- Mm-hmm.
Good God! If I get that ring,
Courtney and I are gonna
have to live in it.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
(SIGHS) I-I love it. It's just
But my price range
is a few zeroes lower.
Uh, why don't you show us
some of the lab-grown diamonds?
Of course.
Now, the-the lab diamonds are
They're nice, right?
Absolutely.
Most people won't even know
it's not the real thing.
- Oh, great.
- But you will.
What it comes down to is this:
what does your heart tell you to do?
Does it want a stone
that's as real as your love,
that's been in the earth
for a million years,
waiting for you
and your soulmate to find it?
Or something a guy made in Arkansas?
I want the real one.
I hope you're proud of yourself.
(SIGHS) This is just
over my credit limit.
Hey, uh, Marty, I have an idea.
Why don't you put the rest on my card?
Yeah, look, I you can pay me back
and I can get the travel points.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, definitely.
Look, I can use them to give Gemma
a free weekend in Ojai for Christmas.
Gemma sounds like a lucky lady.
You are about five seconds away
from getting a scathing Yelp review.
Oh, my goodness, that salon is crazy.
Were you there when Zenay
told us her top three?
Oh, my God, yes.
Blair Underwood, Morris Chestnut
and that skinny white boy
who used to date Kim Kardashian.
- Pete Davidson.
- Yes.
He's kind of hot in a weird way.
Y'all can have that.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Huh. Our credit card just sent me
a large transaction alert.
Oh, from where?
Oh, God, it's from a jewelry store.
Oh, Dave, we talked about this.
No extravagant gifts.
- (SIGHS, GROANS)
- Hey, everybody.
- Gemma, you okay?
- No.
Your best friend just
bought me expensive jewelry.
Ooh, I hope it's a tennis bracelet.
Oh, but it better not be!
Okay, that was interesting.
- Hi, babe.
- Hi, honey. Mm.
Meet Katrina.
- Calvin? - Trina?
- What?
Trina, Trina Bo-Bina. (LAUGHS)
- How you doing?
- Okay oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
What the hell is going on here?
- Well, we actually know each other.
- We used to date.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Isn't that that-that's funny.
- Right? Isn't that
- It's so funny.
That's hilarious.
Yeah, let me know the year
and I'll let you know
- if it's hilarious or not.
- Oh.
Oh, babe, it was long before
you and I met.
(LAUGHS): Oh. Then it's hilarious.
Well, how long have you two
been together?
Uh, uh, 38 years.
- Can you believe it?
- Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah.
And in fact,
tonight we are celebrating
our date-a-versary
at this restaurant, Giovani's.
Giovani's?
I haven't been there in years.
- Oh, you've been there?
- Well, yeah.
Calvin and I discovered it.
Oh.
Girl, the chicken parm,
you have got to try it.
It is so good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have.
(LAUGHS) Thirty-eight times.
I should probably be going.
Yeah. Yeah. That'd be good. Yeah.
- Bye, now.
- Calvin, it was so great to see you.
(CHUCKLES)
(MOUTHS)
You know what, babe?
I'm actually proud of you that
that didn't get weird
between y'all, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's
it's weird between me and you.
Oh, I mean, come on, Tina.
I mean, we both
dated other people before
Calvin, I don't give a damn
about who you dated before me.
But for 38 years,
you've been letting me think
that Giovani's was special.
That it was our place.
Well, I mean,
a-a lot of people go there.
You know, it's, it's-it's
it's Giovani's place,
you know, when you think about it.
I ain't thinking about it that way.
I mean, Trina T-Tina.
- "Trina"? What?
- (STAMMERS) Tina. Honey.
Hey.
- Look, it was our first date.
- Uhp.
I wanted to take you to a place
I knew was good.
You liked it, we went back
over and over again
and it became our special place.
Now our place is ruined.
Maybe if you would have said,
in all those years,
that our place was your place
with someone else,
I would have picked a different
place to be our place!
As a writer, it's scary
to face the blank page.
But it's also freeing. No limits.
Yeah. Uh
Okay, he's just looking
right into the camera.
- Malcolm.
- I-I'm sorry, I don't know how to do this.
I-I know, I know. He's green.
And shiny. Roland.
Well, maybe I'm shiny 'cause
you put me in a turtleneck
under hot lights like
I'm a rotisserie chicken.
Move, Roland.
Okay.
We need to get
to the good stuff, okay?
So, just ask her
where the inspiration came from
for chapter three.
- Got it? Let's roll.
- Okay. Yeah.
Let's roll.
So
So, let's get into, uh, chapter three.
Uh, Serafina's older sister Lexi.
Where did you get
the inspiration for her?
I was in rehab,
after my first divorce.
- (CRYING)
- Oh.
Oh, damn.
I was devastated.
I was broke. I had no one to turn to.
I had alienated everyone.
Everyone except my big sister.
She was my rock. (SNIFFLES)
And she said,
"Don't worry about the money.
I will do whatever it takes."
And I said,
"You can't afford equestrian therapy.
Not in Malibu."
But my sister
she wouldn't hear of it.
God, I love her.
Uh
Wow. Mercedes, I had no idea.
Your sister sounds like
an amazing woman.
All right, cut.
Aah! That was so great. (LAUGHS)
- Wasn't it?
- Yes.
I'm sorry, are you okay?
I'm fine. Did he look into the camera?
- Almost constantly.
- Ugh.
Question.
Oh, Lord.
What other traditions do we have
that aren't really ours?
Tina, come on.
No, really, is Harlem Nights
really our movie?
Is "You're All I Need"
really our song?
Is Honey Bunches of Oats
really our cereal?
I-I didn't know we had a cereal.
But you had one with her?
No, Tina.
Look, babe, I was gonna surprise you.
- Mm-hmm.
- We're not going to Giovani's.
I made some calls,
and I got us into Sandalwood.
That new restaurant in Beverly Hills?
You know, the-the chef
has a Michelin star.
I know. Only the best for my baby.
- Oh.
- And it just opened,
so you know that
I have no history there
with anybody at all, ever.
Okay, well, baby, that sounds nice,
but we're not taking your truck.
God only knows
what y'all did in there.
Oh, hey, honey.
Hello, David.
Uh, just curious.
If I asked the elf, would he
tell me you've been naughty?
Ooh, not at all.
Why don't you tell her?
He's been a jolly good lad,
he has. Yeah.
Ugh, please don't do that.
Well, I know something you will like.
I know it's early,
but I got you a little gift.
Dave, a gift?
I thought we agreed
we weren't gonna do this.
You jerk.
Oh, it's in an envelope?
Well, why wouldn't it be?
No reason.
W-Well, look at this.
A gift certificate.
Yeah, it's a spa weekend getaway
in Ojai.
Just the two of us.
Where's the jewelry, Dave?
The jewelry? What are
What are you-what are you
talking about?
We agreed not to spend any money.
Yes, we did, but then I got an alert
that said you spent
quite a bit of money
at a jewelry store.
Who's the jewelry for, Dave?
- Another woman?
- It's not what you think,
I just can't tell you what it is,
but it is not what you think.
Dave, you better start
telling me something,
or that elf is gonna jingle
all the way up your
Okay, fine, fine, I will
I will tell you.
But you have to swear
not to say anything.
Okay? I I just fronted
the money to Marty
so he could buy a ring. For Courtney.
An engagement ring?
Yes.
Dave, why would you tell me that?
Ugh. You know I can't
hold something like that in.
Oh, now I can't see or talk
to Tina until he tells her.
Why couldn't you just have
cheated on me?
Well, you know, I think
we have us a new tradition.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Because Sandalwood was
(CHUCKLES) wow.
Yeah, yeah, and, uh,
we got a chance to try so many things.
Yeah, oh, yeah,
the portions very pretty small.
Yeah, yeah, tiny, tiny. But the foam.
Oh. Oh, the foam. The foam.
I hated it.
Was it even food?
And all I could think about
was how much
I missed celebrating
our date-a-versary at Giovani's.
I know about that. Tina
When I first went to Giovani's,
it was just a place to eat.
It wasn't special
until I took you there.
And it only became special
because we put 38 years
of memories into it, together.
Baby, why didn't you say that
four hours ago?
Look, I know it's kind of late,
but you want to get
some takeout from Giovani's?
- Are you sure?
- Ugh. I am so sure.
I am starving.
And I'm so hungry
that I don't even care
what you and Katrina did in there.
It's a restaurant.
Okay. I think we got some stuff
that was useable.
Luckily, we've got you in
close-up, so we can cut around,
you know
I know you're talking
about me, Gwenny.
Oh, I'm being coy, honey,
I just forgot your name.
- Okay.
- Okay. It's fine.
It's fine.
You did great, Malcolm.
Uh, Mercedes, this isn't for me.
Okay? I am a writer.
But whatever today was
that was not writing.
I don't want to be on camera,
I don't want to have my table killed
and this turtleneck is itchy.
Okay. My bad.
I shouldn't have thrown you
into the deep end.
(CHUCKLES) In my world,
sometimes I forget
that there are genuine people
out there like you.
I mean, one minute, you were crying,
the next minute, you're all business.
And you know, you really had me going
with that whole story
about your sister.
But now, I don't even
Do you even have a sister?
Yes, I have a sister,
and that story was real.
Well, real-adjacent.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Uh
No, no. Um
Everything I said
really happened, except
my sister is the one
who ended up in rehab.
I'm the one who took care of her.
So, you're the one who's amazing.
(SCOFFS)
Mercedes, that's a much nicer story.
Exactly. (LAUGHS)
No one wants nice Mercedes
stories. They're boring.
And plus, my sister
didn't sign up for this.
She doesn't need me airing the
details of her personal life.
Well, I
You are not who I thought you were.
Is that a good thing?
Yes.
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, look.
If we are going to be
working together,
I need you to give me
some type of heads-up
when I'm seeing the real you.
Okay. Here's a clue.
When the cameras are around,
that's Mercedes.
And when the cameras are gone?
I'm just Sadie.
That's what my friends call me.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well
It's nice to meet you, Sadie.
(LAUGHS)
So, we're good?
Good-adjacent.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh.
Okay.
Oh, look what we're standing under.
Yeah, because you dragged me under it.
It doesn't matter how we got here.
Got to respect tradition.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Let's try that again.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Oh
I don't know which one of y'all
that was, but, uh
yeah, I liked it.
Girl, this is just a tree trimming.
You didn't have to bring anything.
I know, but I was raised right,
so I brought my famous
sweet potato pie.
Ooh, I remember that.
That's cool.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Oh. Ho, ho, ho, everyone.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Merry Christmas, Marty.
Oh, same to you, Gemma.
I hope all your dreams
come true in the New Year.
David. You told her?
She's my wife, Marty. Trust me,
you'll understand soon.
- Hey, merry Christmas, everybody.
- Hey.
Hey, hey, hey. Oh, this must be
the famous Katrina from the salon.
And you must be Malcolm,
the famous writer.
- Yes.
- Yes. How was your meeting with Mercedes?
Did she slap anybody?
Did she slap you?
Please say yes.
No, uh, Gemma, it was
very uneventful.
- Oh, come on!
- You're such a liar.
- Give us the deets.
- I don't buy that for a second.
Hey, hey. Y'all leave the boy alone.
M-Malcolm.
Get you some of this chicken parm.
It's better the next day.
Thank you, Pop.
Yeah. Giovani's.
Did y'all have a good date-a-versary?
- Uh, eventually.
- Mm.
You know, we went to a place
with a Michelin star first,
and it was terrible.
But then we ordered takeout
- from our very special place.
- Yes.
- Mm.
- No, no. Please p-pause. Stop.
A-Are you saying y'all missed
your reservation at Giovani's?
T-The one I made you?
- Yeah, I guess we did.
- Yeah.
But it all worked out.
- You know?
- Mm
No. No, no, no.
Pop, it did not work out.
You have to cancel
the reservation or
You see? There it is.
Now I've been downgraded
to three stars.
Ah, yes.
Welcome to the three-star club,
Malcolm. (CHUCKLES)
Hope you like eating
next to the bathroom.
Well, all I know it's been
the best date-a-versary
since the one we made Marty.
- (LAUGHS)
- GEMMA: Aw.
- MALCOLM: That's just disturbing.
- Really could've kept that one
to yourself.
- ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
sync & corrections awaqeded