The Goldbergs s08e09 Episode Script
Cocoon
1
Back in the '80s, my mom was obsessed
with the TV drama "L.A. Law."
Counsel, approach the bench.
This legal soap had it all
romance, intrigue, shoulder pads,
and, best of all,
tough-as-nails lady lawyers.
If I have any more trouble from you,
I will do exactly that. Is that clear?
I love Susan Dey.
She's in charge in the courtroom
and the bedroom.
Ew. Ugh! Mom said "bedroom."
Look at that full-grown Partridge.
This is Hollywood nonsense.
Real lawyers fight for justice,
and they're not involved in
that many courthouse shootings.
Erica, tell it to someone
who couldn't have been a lawyer.
And that's when my sister
dropped a bombshell.
I finally declared a major Pre-Law.
The [bleep] you [bleep] say?
You heard me.
I'm considering getting my law degree.
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut your perfect mouth!
Murray, did you hear that?!
Our daughter's gonna be a lawyer!
I get to pay for more school.
Ow!
Oh!
It's all happening!
I've got one child
who's gonna be an Oscar winner,
another who's gonna be
the Surgeon General,
and now a Supreme Court Justice!
Yeah, and I'm actually gonna
be an eye doctor.
Nobody cares. Murray!
We won parenting!
If you say so.
I do! Now the world needs to know!
Attention, children of lesser mothers!
I won parenting!
I won parenting.
Did you want to buy a ticket?
Oh, I already have a ticket.
To the rocket ride
of my children's success!
I'd like to make a deposit.
This just says, "I won parenting."
And you can take that to the bank.
I won parenting!
Yeah, you did.
What are you doing?
Sorting M&M's.
Yellows are the yummiest, huh?
I kinda won parenting!
You get that out of your system?
Almost.
I won parenting!
Hi-yah!
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was January 27, 1980-something,
and I was devouring
the sci-fi classic "Cocoon,"
the totally believable story
of nursing-home residents
who are reinvigorated by
an alien fountain of youth.
Good thing my Pops didn't need that.
Or so I thought.
Well, that was confusing.
You wanna hit the deli,
get a cheese blintz,
and sort out what happened?
What happened is you slept through
one of the greatest movies ever.
Is it my fault it's dark
and smells like butter?
You brought a pillow.
I shoulda brought a blanket too.
It's colder than a toilet seat
at midnight in there.
As fun as it is to think about
your moonlit bathroom adventures,
you need to see it again.
I saw enough.
Doesn't matter.
All the elderly friskiness
has given me an idea
Let's dance our way home
while checking out ladies
that are age-inappropriate
for both of us.
Better idea I go home
and sleep off this movie nap.
While I was worried
that my Pops was slowing down,
my mom's enthusiasm for Erica's
career path was revving up.
Mom, I-I don't think a power suit
with triple the shoulder pads
was a necessary purchase.
You are a high-powered attorney now.
You need to look the part.
I'm a low-powered sophomore
who eats Lucky Charms for dinner.
That's not what your business cards say.
"Erica Goldberg, Esquire.
Defense attorney to the stars"?
All the men will want you,
and all the women will hate you.
But I don't want that.
I want to help the
disenfranchised, the poor.
Poor? Well, how are you gonna be able
to afford your Bimmer convertible
and a house in Brentwood?
Where?
It's an exclusive L.A. enclave.
Dabney Coleman lives there.
I don't want to be neighbors
with Dabney Coleman.
Look, choosing a major made me
do some soul-searching,
and I realized that choosing
a career just for the money
is never gonna make me happy.
Of course.
And that's when she saw it.
What the actual [bleep]?!
It was my mom's cookbook.
Her life's highest achievement.
Her proudest triumph. Now only 99 cents.
Uh, shelving emergency!
This life-changing,
full-priced masterwork
was in with the garbage books.
That's not a mistake.
All the out-of-print books go in there.
Out of print?
Mr. Whitby! We had a contract!
Mrs. Goldberg, I was expecting you.
I see you've discovered that your book
is gently discounted.
Our contract clearly stated
that you would print 10,000 copies.
You must have missed
the addendum which states
that I can limit the publishing run
any time I want.
And I want now.
I don't remember any addendum.
How did you have that right there?
It's the standard
Whitby and Sons contract.
I use it with all my authors.
Except for Mario Puzo.
Let's just say that guy
writes what he knows.
There's no way I would have signed this.
I'm suing.
And unfortunately for you,
I just found out that my daughter
is going to be an attorney-at-law.
Hmm. Well, I just found out
that my son is going to be
recovering-at-rehab.
I'll see you in court.
Technically, any contract dispute
would be settled in arbitration.
I'll see you in arbitration.
Damn it, that doesn't sound as scary.
But it is. I've been in several
with my wives, my children,
and my children's wives,
and my wives' new wives.
I bring people together.
While my mom was taking on a new case,
I went to Barry to help Pops
stop feeling so old.
Oh. Hello, tiny,
under-developed brother.
What brings you here?
I came because I'm worried about
Pops slowing down,
but now I'm more worried about
whatever this is.
Oh. Yeah. You're witnessing
the most natural thing in the world.
Four best friends oiling each other
to highlight our shredded physiques.
Here, let the world see the details!
- Come on. Get it! Get it!
- Grease him up.
Totally normal.
And what's this bottle
of giant horse pills?
That's the number-one
weight-training supplement.
Guaranteed to explode your abs,
traps, delts, and orbs.
Orbs?
The muscle that closes the eye.
Look how fast I can blink.
Agggggh!
You're really doing it.
And check out my arms like sequoias!
- Whoa!
- Yes!
And what's this giant
Donkey Kong barrel of powder?
Only the most crucial step of
our riptastic journey.
- "Male Rampage"?
- Indeed.
This magical elixir
gives us endless energy.
And like the screaming guy
in the infomercial,
my energy and skeletal
explosiveness know no bounds.
Ugh!
It's so thick.
I can feel it in my nostrils.
Mine won't come out of the glass.
It feels like I'm drowning.
But no pain, no gain!
For the record,
I celebrate the natural form,
and only ingest water, plants, and fish.
Maybe this powder can put
the spring back in Pops' step.
Our grandpa will have
more than his spring.
He'll have the explosive
vertical leap of Spud Webb.
The party dog from the commercials?
No! The tiny NBA dunker!
Wow.
Don't you want that for Pops?
I guess?
But I should probably
get a second opinion,
seeing how weird this all is.
What's weird?
Back to work, gents!
Ooh!
Dr. Katman.
Adam. Perfect timing.
Come learn about hydrophobic compounds.
Is "No, thanks" okay?
I'm making a homemade lava lamp.
We combine acid-base reactions
demonstrating density
for a totally groovy result!
Look, I just have some questions
about this fitness powder.
Is it safe?
Uh, these are mostly
natural ingredients.
It won't hurt you,
but it won't help, either.
But my brother swears by this stuff,
and he does seem to have
even more unpleasant energy than usual.
That's just the placebo effect.
And that is?
We studied this.
And I learned it.
But imagine a world where I didn't.
The human brain becomes convinced
that the powder works,
so, in a way, it does.
So someone could drink this
garbage and feel energized,
even though nothing
is actually happening?
Isn't the natural world amazing?
This isn't gonna spark
my interest in science,
- if that's what you're going for.
- I'll get ya one day.
Don't count on it.
At least take home the lava lamp.
Oh, wow.
When you make it yourself,
it kinda stinks.
Enjoy.
As I had a plan to pump up Pops,
my mom was trying to wear down Erica.
Oh, my God, no!
Hire a real lawyer.
I could have been a lawyer,
and you're going to be a lawyer.
Between the two of us,
we're one of the biggest
law firms in the country.
When you make that much sense No!
Come on!
A mother/daughter legal team
going up against
a big, bad publisher?
They'll make a TV movie about it
with Heather Thomas as me
and Joan Collins as you.
Why are you the younger one?
I'm just a producer, Geoff.
I'm not a casting director.
I'm watching either way.
And my answer still hasn't changed.
But you get how important this is to me.
I put my heart and soul
into this cookbook.
And also a lot of butter,
cream, and meat.
Also, a recipe I think my mom gave you?
It's fine, but she's pretty mad.
I can't just let Whitby erase
my entire life achievement.
And neither can you.
And yet I can. I gotta go.
I'm volunteering at
the campus legal aid foundation,
where I'll be helping
real people in need.
Babe, you do realize
your mom's just gonna hound you
until you do this, right?
Not this time.
I was firm, direct,
and established clear boundaries.
She gets it.
Oh, my God! Why don't you get it?!
Hi, I'm a disadvantaged woman
in need of free legal advice.
No! I can't have these people
meet my insane mother.
Well, you're the one that said
I needed to get a real lawyer.
Hi, there. Need some help?
Yes. So much.
I'm a famous cookbook author
who was wrongfully abused
by my publisher.
I'm sorry, we only take cases
of people at or below the poverty line.
That's me.
I used to have everything,
but now I don't even have
a daughter who loves me.
It's okay, Becca.
Let me handle this strange, insane lady.
So you'll take my case?
Fine. But just please leave.
Yes! The system works!
And don't worry, you will be
handsomely compensated
In smoochies.
- You're my little baby.
- Okay.
Mom!
With Barry's magical powder in my hands,
I was gonna pull
the biggest trick of all
making Pops young again.
Hey, kiddo, this is a surprise.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You have a lady friend back there?
Just Susan B. Anthony.
I'm sorting coins. Come on in.
Wow. That's a lot of pennies.
What you got in
your monkey barrel there?
Hopefully, the answer to all of this.
"Male Rampage"?
Endorsed by Rambo?
How can it be endorsed by Rambo?
He's a fictional character.
It just seems like you have
a little less energy lately.
I thought this might make you feel
like your old self.
Oh. I see.
If you don't want to
No. No!
Why wouldn't I want to drink
more "blood of my enemies"?
Well?
Mmm. Hachi-machi.
And just like that,
my ass-kicking grandpa was back.
I feel tremendous!
I could take on the world! Ooh!
And he did.
He charmed beautiful strangers.
That's how it's done, kid.
He tossed a Frisbee like a pro.
Hot disc coming at ya.
Whoa!
He even did bike tricks.
Hang on. I'm gonna pop a wheelie.
Ha, ha!
And then, just like in "Cocoon"
Cannonball!
Yep, it may have just been
the placebo effect,
but I got the spring back in Pops' step.
This is the best.
You said it, kiddo.
To our youth.
Albert, your grandson
lost a Band-Aid in the pool.
It's unsanitary!
Milton, you leave my grandson alone.
I'm checking the boy for
cuts and scrapes.
Take one step closer,
and you're gonna need that Band-Aid.
- What'd you say?
- You heard me.
Unless you're hungry for
a knuckle sandwich.
I make it special,
with a side of bam and
an extra helping of kapow.
Geez!
You try to start
a friendly conversation.
You were gonna get into
an old-man fight for no reason!
This is amazing!
So, what are we doing tomorrow?
Tomorrow?
That That's the day after today.
We can't let all this
newfound energy go to waste.
Ooh! We should go ziplining!
Oh, for sure.
Or I can tackle
that high-dive over there.
That's almost as good!
Just so you know, that was my Band-Aid.
And he'll probably find two more.
While Pops turned back the clock,
it was time for my mom
to face off with her publisher.
Good afternoon, I'm Pamela Reingold,
and I'll be your mediator today.
It is an honor, Your Honor.
May I approach the bench?
I'm not a judge,
and this is a conference table.
Still, I'd like to file
a motion to dismiss.
Dismiss what?
You're the one that wanted this.
Well, then, tell me what to say,
because the only legal jargon I know
is from TV and movies.
Me too.
Your Honor, on the advice of my counsel,
uh, the jury should disregard
my testimony.
There's also no jury.
It's just you, me,
this lady, and that man.
Good eye.
I am a man.
And so two people
with no legal background
laid down the law
in the weirdest way possible.
A-ha! You caught it with your left hand!
Oh, she's good.
Now everyone knows
I love to catch oranges.
Yeah, they busted out all the hits.
Silence!
Silence in this courtroom!
Ma'am, did you bring your own gavel?
It is a meat tenderizer.
If it, uh, pleases the court,
I, too, brought my own hammer.
Why would that please anyone?
And neither of you
should have tools here.
Eventually, they just yelled
stuff they'd heard on TV.
Objection! Overruled!
All rise! Please proceed!
What is happening?
I think she's just a little nervous.
In my chambers now! Both of you!
Or she's completely
lost touch with reality.
Watch yourself, counselor!
No further questions!
Badgering the witness!
Well, at least they're both doing it.
You don't have to answer that!
Withdrawn! I'll allow it!
You may be seated!
Move to strike!
Bailiff, remove this woman!
I'll rephrase.
State your full name for the record.
Case dismissed.
Okay, that that feels like
a good stopping point for today.
The only evidence remains
a signed contract
furnished by Mr. Whitby.
Mrs. Goldberg, if you have
any evidence to the contrary,
please come back, or I
will have to rule in his favor.
Wait. Where are you going?
I thought we would share a cab
or or the rest of our lives.
As my mom's case suffered a blow,
I was thrilled to have Pops
back in fighting shape.
Hey, Doc, just wanted to say thanks.
You really helped me out.
Oh, well, you know what they say
Chemists are the best
at solving problems
because they have all the solutions.
Big fun!
So you didn't take any of that powder.
Good for you.
Actually, I gave
a buttload to my grandpa,
and now he's cannonballing into pools,
just like "Cocoon."
"Cocoon"?
It's this awesome movie
about a bunch of elderly people
that become young again
after hanging out with alien eggs.
What will Hollyweird think of next?
Probably "Cocoon 2."
Ooh!
But the main takeaway here
is the amount of energy
my grandfather has now.
Adam, the placebo effect
can only push the body so far.
If your grandfather overdoes it,
he could really injure himself.
So, as an example,
if he were to jump off a high-dive
Ohh!
that might end badly?
Scientifically speaking, oh, yeah.
Good to know.
Good to know.
Pops! Stop!
No running! No running!
Read the posted signs!
Kiddo, you ready for me to do the dive,
just like Reggie Dangerberg
in "Back to the Pool"?
Do you mean Rodney Dangerfield
in "Back to School"?
That's what I said.
You were embarrassingly off,
but that's not important.
What's important is
you need to get down!
But I took a bunch of your muscle dust,
and I climbed up here.
It seems like I already made my choice.
But you're gonna hurt yourself!
Male Rampage doesn't make you
young again.
Nothing does.
We'll see about that
when I enter the water
like a graceful
- Whoa!
- [Bleep]
Pops!
Pops, are you okay?
Get all the ice.
And then find some more.
As my "Cocoon" plan went kerplunk,
my mom was still in the deep
end of her legal battle.
Look at us burning the midnight oil,
noshing on chow mein,
just like real lawyers.
It's 9:30 in the morning.
No one wants Chinese food.
Speak for yourself.
And what are all these files
and boxes for?
Our investigators are gonna fill them
with telescopic photos, fingerprints,
and DNA samples for the lab.
Why do we need DNA?
It's a dispute over a book contract.
Well, then, what are our
high-priced scientific experts
supposed to testify to?
The fact that it's clearly
your signature?
While that does look like my bulbous "B"
and my delightful flourish
around the "G,"
I-I would never sign something
just willy-nilly like that.
Mm, it kinda seems like you did.
Damn it! You two
were at my signing party.
Was there anything out of the ordinary?
Having a signing party is
out of the ordinary.
Who does that?
Maybe your wife,
who's proud of her accomplishment.
And you should be, too.
It's all coming back to me.
You did the thing. I was there.
Memories.
It's all up in the treasure chest.
My signing gala was
the talk of the block.
There was champagne, balloons.
I made that cheesy burger casserole
in the shape of my book.
It's the only book I've ever finished.
Wait Dad, didn't Mom ask you
to take pictures that day?
- Nope.
- I did!
Ohh!
Here's the camera.
Oh, there's no film in it.
Memories.
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
Again, not a lawyer,
but my advice would be
to move on with your life,
like I'm gonna do with mine.
Move on?
This cookbook is the first thing
I've ever accomplished all on my own.
Not as a wife, not as a mom, but for me.
And now I'm supposed to just let
that crooked publisher take it all away?
It's not that simple.
It is to me.
Erica, did I ever tell you
why I think I could have been a lawyer?
Because you like to argue with everyone
about everything?
Because I would fight
with every fiber of my being
for the things I care about.
My family. My friends. What's right.
I thought maybe you got
some of that from me.
I guess I was wrong.
My mom was back in arbitration,
but without Erica
or any evidence, her case
seemed to be open and shut.
Mrs. Goldberg, do you have
anything further to present?
Only my word.
I did not sign that addendum.
I'm ready to make my ruling
and be done with both of you forever.
Not so fast.
And then, in a hero moment
straight out of "L.A. Law,"
a badass in shoulder pads
showed up to save the day.
Erica, what are you doing here?
Fighting for something I care about.
I'd like to call Murray Goldberg
to the stand.
A surprise, 11th-hour witness?
- Oh, you are in for it now.
- I-I object.
- On what grounds?
- I'll allow it.
Let's see where this goes.
Mr. Goldberg, isn't it true
that you were asked
to take pictures at
your wife's signing party?
That's what people are saying.
And isn't it also true
that you're a forgetful loaf
who's never sure of what
he has or hasn't done?
I can say with full confidence
that I'm a, you know
And do you recognize this?
Oh, that's one of those photo things!
Indeed, it is.
And this one has your name on it.
Are those the pictures
from my signing party?
Hey, it is.
Here's a pic of your cheesy casserole.
But, perhaps, can I direct you
to the last photo?
Oh! Will you look at that?
Somebody's a hero.
I knew it. Rock-solid evidence.
Of what, exactly?
That the addendum was
forged by Mr. Whitby.
Uh-oh.
Because, as you can clearly
see in this photo,
you signed in purple Sharpie,
like a weirdo,
while the contract right there
is signed in blue.
Mr. Whitby, do you have
a response to this?
Yes, I do.
I lied.
But this has been a hoot. Am I right?
The judgment is for Mrs. Goldberg.
- Yes!
- Print her books.
We did it! My baby's a lawyer.
Well, not yet.
But if helping people feels this good,
there is no way I'm not going to be.
And I will be here to support you
every step of the way.
Whether or not you want me to.
I know.
- And I know.
- Ah!
I'm gonna remember this one.
As Erica landed a big win for my mom,
I was feeling terrible
about Pops' crash landing.
Pops, I'm so sorry.
I never should have
given you that powder.
Oh, don't be. I knew what I was taking.
What? You knew it wasn't real?
Then why'd you climb up
on that high-dive?
For you. You seemed so upset
I was slowing down,
I figured I'd give you
a few days of the old Pops.
I'm so confused.
Then where'd all that energy come from?
Simple. I am in incredible pain.
I can't believe you did that for me.
It wasn't just for you, kiddo.
As much as you miss the young Pops,
I miss him, too.
Just so you know,
I'm okay with just sorting coins.
As long as I can be with you.
That's good. Because I'm not
gonna be doing much moving for a while.
Do you remember the end of "Cocoon,"
when all the older people leave Earth
to go to that planet where
they can be young forever?
Would you take that deal?
And miss hanging with my best friend?
Not a chance.
Thanks to Pops, I picked up
a thing or two over the years.
Eventually, we all slow down.
But it doesn't matter if you're
growing older or growing up.
The important thing is to
appreciate the victories.
In the end,
every moment is worth savoring.
And no matter what stage
of life you're in,
a fountain of youth
will never be as magical
as time spent with the ones you love.
You're making me very curious about you.
Hey, guys! I'm just here
to return Oh, my God!
What happened to your skin?
- It's gorgeous, right?
- Ha!
As pro body builders now,
it's important to enhance
our jacked musculature
with a beautiful bronze hue.
That is not bronze.
That's because we went to
the roof without any sunscreen.
We're beet red now,
but it should settle into
a lovely mahogany.
It's so worth it.
You have third-degree burns.
You're just jealous 'cause your skin
isn't this glorious chestnut.
Now, watch my bi's and tri's dance
as I bring a little body oil
to the party.
Ow!
I'll get the aloe vera.
Back in the '80s, my mom was obsessed
with the TV drama "L.A. Law."
Counsel, approach the bench.
This legal soap had it all
romance, intrigue, shoulder pads,
and, best of all,
tough-as-nails lady lawyers.
If I have any more trouble from you,
I will do exactly that. Is that clear?
I love Susan Dey.
She's in charge in the courtroom
and the bedroom.
Ew. Ugh! Mom said "bedroom."
Look at that full-grown Partridge.
This is Hollywood nonsense.
Real lawyers fight for justice,
and they're not involved in
that many courthouse shootings.
Erica, tell it to someone
who couldn't have been a lawyer.
And that's when my sister
dropped a bombshell.
I finally declared a major Pre-Law.
The [bleep] you [bleep] say?
You heard me.
I'm considering getting my law degree.
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut your perfect mouth!
Murray, did you hear that?!
Our daughter's gonna be a lawyer!
I get to pay for more school.
Ow!
Oh!
It's all happening!
I've got one child
who's gonna be an Oscar winner,
another who's gonna be
the Surgeon General,
and now a Supreme Court Justice!
Yeah, and I'm actually gonna
be an eye doctor.
Nobody cares. Murray!
We won parenting!
If you say so.
I do! Now the world needs to know!
Attention, children of lesser mothers!
I won parenting!
I won parenting.
Did you want to buy a ticket?
Oh, I already have a ticket.
To the rocket ride
of my children's success!
I'd like to make a deposit.
This just says, "I won parenting."
And you can take that to the bank.
I won parenting!
Yeah, you did.
What are you doing?
Sorting M&M's.
Yellows are the yummiest, huh?
I kinda won parenting!
You get that out of your system?
Almost.
I won parenting!
Hi-yah!
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was January 27, 1980-something,
and I was devouring
the sci-fi classic "Cocoon,"
the totally believable story
of nursing-home residents
who are reinvigorated by
an alien fountain of youth.
Good thing my Pops didn't need that.
Or so I thought.
Well, that was confusing.
You wanna hit the deli,
get a cheese blintz,
and sort out what happened?
What happened is you slept through
one of the greatest movies ever.
Is it my fault it's dark
and smells like butter?
You brought a pillow.
I shoulda brought a blanket too.
It's colder than a toilet seat
at midnight in there.
As fun as it is to think about
your moonlit bathroom adventures,
you need to see it again.
I saw enough.
Doesn't matter.
All the elderly friskiness
has given me an idea
Let's dance our way home
while checking out ladies
that are age-inappropriate
for both of us.
Better idea I go home
and sleep off this movie nap.
While I was worried
that my Pops was slowing down,
my mom's enthusiasm for Erica's
career path was revving up.
Mom, I-I don't think a power suit
with triple the shoulder pads
was a necessary purchase.
You are a high-powered attorney now.
You need to look the part.
I'm a low-powered sophomore
who eats Lucky Charms for dinner.
That's not what your business cards say.
"Erica Goldberg, Esquire.
Defense attorney to the stars"?
All the men will want you,
and all the women will hate you.
But I don't want that.
I want to help the
disenfranchised, the poor.
Poor? Well, how are you gonna be able
to afford your Bimmer convertible
and a house in Brentwood?
Where?
It's an exclusive L.A. enclave.
Dabney Coleman lives there.
I don't want to be neighbors
with Dabney Coleman.
Look, choosing a major made me
do some soul-searching,
and I realized that choosing
a career just for the money
is never gonna make me happy.
Of course.
And that's when she saw it.
What the actual [bleep]?!
It was my mom's cookbook.
Her life's highest achievement.
Her proudest triumph. Now only 99 cents.
Uh, shelving emergency!
This life-changing,
full-priced masterwork
was in with the garbage books.
That's not a mistake.
All the out-of-print books go in there.
Out of print?
Mr. Whitby! We had a contract!
Mrs. Goldberg, I was expecting you.
I see you've discovered that your book
is gently discounted.
Our contract clearly stated
that you would print 10,000 copies.
You must have missed
the addendum which states
that I can limit the publishing run
any time I want.
And I want now.
I don't remember any addendum.
How did you have that right there?
It's the standard
Whitby and Sons contract.
I use it with all my authors.
Except for Mario Puzo.
Let's just say that guy
writes what he knows.
There's no way I would have signed this.
I'm suing.
And unfortunately for you,
I just found out that my daughter
is going to be an attorney-at-law.
Hmm. Well, I just found out
that my son is going to be
recovering-at-rehab.
I'll see you in court.
Technically, any contract dispute
would be settled in arbitration.
I'll see you in arbitration.
Damn it, that doesn't sound as scary.
But it is. I've been in several
with my wives, my children,
and my children's wives,
and my wives' new wives.
I bring people together.
While my mom was taking on a new case,
I went to Barry to help Pops
stop feeling so old.
Oh. Hello, tiny,
under-developed brother.
What brings you here?
I came because I'm worried about
Pops slowing down,
but now I'm more worried about
whatever this is.
Oh. Yeah. You're witnessing
the most natural thing in the world.
Four best friends oiling each other
to highlight our shredded physiques.
Here, let the world see the details!
- Come on. Get it! Get it!
- Grease him up.
Totally normal.
And what's this bottle
of giant horse pills?
That's the number-one
weight-training supplement.
Guaranteed to explode your abs,
traps, delts, and orbs.
Orbs?
The muscle that closes the eye.
Look how fast I can blink.
Agggggh!
You're really doing it.
And check out my arms like sequoias!
- Whoa!
- Yes!
And what's this giant
Donkey Kong barrel of powder?
Only the most crucial step of
our riptastic journey.
- "Male Rampage"?
- Indeed.
This magical elixir
gives us endless energy.
And like the screaming guy
in the infomercial,
my energy and skeletal
explosiveness know no bounds.
Ugh!
It's so thick.
I can feel it in my nostrils.
Mine won't come out of the glass.
It feels like I'm drowning.
But no pain, no gain!
For the record,
I celebrate the natural form,
and only ingest water, plants, and fish.
Maybe this powder can put
the spring back in Pops' step.
Our grandpa will have
more than his spring.
He'll have the explosive
vertical leap of Spud Webb.
The party dog from the commercials?
No! The tiny NBA dunker!
Wow.
Don't you want that for Pops?
I guess?
But I should probably
get a second opinion,
seeing how weird this all is.
What's weird?
Back to work, gents!
Ooh!
Dr. Katman.
Adam. Perfect timing.
Come learn about hydrophobic compounds.
Is "No, thanks" okay?
I'm making a homemade lava lamp.
We combine acid-base reactions
demonstrating density
for a totally groovy result!
Look, I just have some questions
about this fitness powder.
Is it safe?
Uh, these are mostly
natural ingredients.
It won't hurt you,
but it won't help, either.
But my brother swears by this stuff,
and he does seem to have
even more unpleasant energy than usual.
That's just the placebo effect.
And that is?
We studied this.
And I learned it.
But imagine a world where I didn't.
The human brain becomes convinced
that the powder works,
so, in a way, it does.
So someone could drink this
garbage and feel energized,
even though nothing
is actually happening?
Isn't the natural world amazing?
This isn't gonna spark
my interest in science,
- if that's what you're going for.
- I'll get ya one day.
Don't count on it.
At least take home the lava lamp.
Oh, wow.
When you make it yourself,
it kinda stinks.
Enjoy.
As I had a plan to pump up Pops,
my mom was trying to wear down Erica.
Oh, my God, no!
Hire a real lawyer.
I could have been a lawyer,
and you're going to be a lawyer.
Between the two of us,
we're one of the biggest
law firms in the country.
When you make that much sense No!
Come on!
A mother/daughter legal team
going up against
a big, bad publisher?
They'll make a TV movie about it
with Heather Thomas as me
and Joan Collins as you.
Why are you the younger one?
I'm just a producer, Geoff.
I'm not a casting director.
I'm watching either way.
And my answer still hasn't changed.
But you get how important this is to me.
I put my heart and soul
into this cookbook.
And also a lot of butter,
cream, and meat.
Also, a recipe I think my mom gave you?
It's fine, but she's pretty mad.
I can't just let Whitby erase
my entire life achievement.
And neither can you.
And yet I can. I gotta go.
I'm volunteering at
the campus legal aid foundation,
where I'll be helping
real people in need.
Babe, you do realize
your mom's just gonna hound you
until you do this, right?
Not this time.
I was firm, direct,
and established clear boundaries.
She gets it.
Oh, my God! Why don't you get it?!
Hi, I'm a disadvantaged woman
in need of free legal advice.
No! I can't have these people
meet my insane mother.
Well, you're the one that said
I needed to get a real lawyer.
Hi, there. Need some help?
Yes. So much.
I'm a famous cookbook author
who was wrongfully abused
by my publisher.
I'm sorry, we only take cases
of people at or below the poverty line.
That's me.
I used to have everything,
but now I don't even have
a daughter who loves me.
It's okay, Becca.
Let me handle this strange, insane lady.
So you'll take my case?
Fine. But just please leave.
Yes! The system works!
And don't worry, you will be
handsomely compensated
In smoochies.
- You're my little baby.
- Okay.
Mom!
With Barry's magical powder in my hands,
I was gonna pull
the biggest trick of all
making Pops young again.
Hey, kiddo, this is a surprise.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You have a lady friend back there?
Just Susan B. Anthony.
I'm sorting coins. Come on in.
Wow. That's a lot of pennies.
What you got in
your monkey barrel there?
Hopefully, the answer to all of this.
"Male Rampage"?
Endorsed by Rambo?
How can it be endorsed by Rambo?
He's a fictional character.
It just seems like you have
a little less energy lately.
I thought this might make you feel
like your old self.
Oh. I see.
If you don't want to
No. No!
Why wouldn't I want to drink
more "blood of my enemies"?
Well?
Mmm. Hachi-machi.
And just like that,
my ass-kicking grandpa was back.
I feel tremendous!
I could take on the world! Ooh!
And he did.
He charmed beautiful strangers.
That's how it's done, kid.
He tossed a Frisbee like a pro.
Hot disc coming at ya.
Whoa!
He even did bike tricks.
Hang on. I'm gonna pop a wheelie.
Ha, ha!
And then, just like in "Cocoon"
Cannonball!
Yep, it may have just been
the placebo effect,
but I got the spring back in Pops' step.
This is the best.
You said it, kiddo.
To our youth.
Albert, your grandson
lost a Band-Aid in the pool.
It's unsanitary!
Milton, you leave my grandson alone.
I'm checking the boy for
cuts and scrapes.
Take one step closer,
and you're gonna need that Band-Aid.
- What'd you say?
- You heard me.
Unless you're hungry for
a knuckle sandwich.
I make it special,
with a side of bam and
an extra helping of kapow.
Geez!
You try to start
a friendly conversation.
You were gonna get into
an old-man fight for no reason!
This is amazing!
So, what are we doing tomorrow?
Tomorrow?
That That's the day after today.
We can't let all this
newfound energy go to waste.
Ooh! We should go ziplining!
Oh, for sure.
Or I can tackle
that high-dive over there.
That's almost as good!
Just so you know, that was my Band-Aid.
And he'll probably find two more.
While Pops turned back the clock,
it was time for my mom
to face off with her publisher.
Good afternoon, I'm Pamela Reingold,
and I'll be your mediator today.
It is an honor, Your Honor.
May I approach the bench?
I'm not a judge,
and this is a conference table.
Still, I'd like to file
a motion to dismiss.
Dismiss what?
You're the one that wanted this.
Well, then, tell me what to say,
because the only legal jargon I know
is from TV and movies.
Me too.
Your Honor, on the advice of my counsel,
uh, the jury should disregard
my testimony.
There's also no jury.
It's just you, me,
this lady, and that man.
Good eye.
I am a man.
And so two people
with no legal background
laid down the law
in the weirdest way possible.
A-ha! You caught it with your left hand!
Oh, she's good.
Now everyone knows
I love to catch oranges.
Yeah, they busted out all the hits.
Silence!
Silence in this courtroom!
Ma'am, did you bring your own gavel?
It is a meat tenderizer.
If it, uh, pleases the court,
I, too, brought my own hammer.
Why would that please anyone?
And neither of you
should have tools here.
Eventually, they just yelled
stuff they'd heard on TV.
Objection! Overruled!
All rise! Please proceed!
What is happening?
I think she's just a little nervous.
In my chambers now! Both of you!
Or she's completely
lost touch with reality.
Watch yourself, counselor!
No further questions!
Badgering the witness!
Well, at least they're both doing it.
You don't have to answer that!
Withdrawn! I'll allow it!
You may be seated!
Move to strike!
Bailiff, remove this woman!
I'll rephrase.
State your full name for the record.
Case dismissed.
Okay, that that feels like
a good stopping point for today.
The only evidence remains
a signed contract
furnished by Mr. Whitby.
Mrs. Goldberg, if you have
any evidence to the contrary,
please come back, or I
will have to rule in his favor.
Wait. Where are you going?
I thought we would share a cab
or or the rest of our lives.
As my mom's case suffered a blow,
I was thrilled to have Pops
back in fighting shape.
Hey, Doc, just wanted to say thanks.
You really helped me out.
Oh, well, you know what they say
Chemists are the best
at solving problems
because they have all the solutions.
Big fun!
So you didn't take any of that powder.
Good for you.
Actually, I gave
a buttload to my grandpa,
and now he's cannonballing into pools,
just like "Cocoon."
"Cocoon"?
It's this awesome movie
about a bunch of elderly people
that become young again
after hanging out with alien eggs.
What will Hollyweird think of next?
Probably "Cocoon 2."
Ooh!
But the main takeaway here
is the amount of energy
my grandfather has now.
Adam, the placebo effect
can only push the body so far.
If your grandfather overdoes it,
he could really injure himself.
So, as an example,
if he were to jump off a high-dive
Ohh!
that might end badly?
Scientifically speaking, oh, yeah.
Good to know.
Good to know.
Pops! Stop!
No running! No running!
Read the posted signs!
Kiddo, you ready for me to do the dive,
just like Reggie Dangerberg
in "Back to the Pool"?
Do you mean Rodney Dangerfield
in "Back to School"?
That's what I said.
You were embarrassingly off,
but that's not important.
What's important is
you need to get down!
But I took a bunch of your muscle dust,
and I climbed up here.
It seems like I already made my choice.
But you're gonna hurt yourself!
Male Rampage doesn't make you
young again.
Nothing does.
We'll see about that
when I enter the water
like a graceful
- Whoa!
- [Bleep]
Pops!
Pops, are you okay?
Get all the ice.
And then find some more.
As my "Cocoon" plan went kerplunk,
my mom was still in the deep
end of her legal battle.
Look at us burning the midnight oil,
noshing on chow mein,
just like real lawyers.
It's 9:30 in the morning.
No one wants Chinese food.
Speak for yourself.
And what are all these files
and boxes for?
Our investigators are gonna fill them
with telescopic photos, fingerprints,
and DNA samples for the lab.
Why do we need DNA?
It's a dispute over a book contract.
Well, then, what are our
high-priced scientific experts
supposed to testify to?
The fact that it's clearly
your signature?
While that does look like my bulbous "B"
and my delightful flourish
around the "G,"
I-I would never sign something
just willy-nilly like that.
Mm, it kinda seems like you did.
Damn it! You two
were at my signing party.
Was there anything out of the ordinary?
Having a signing party is
out of the ordinary.
Who does that?
Maybe your wife,
who's proud of her accomplishment.
And you should be, too.
It's all coming back to me.
You did the thing. I was there.
Memories.
It's all up in the treasure chest.
My signing gala was
the talk of the block.
There was champagne, balloons.
I made that cheesy burger casserole
in the shape of my book.
It's the only book I've ever finished.
Wait Dad, didn't Mom ask you
to take pictures that day?
- Nope.
- I did!
Ohh!
Here's the camera.
Oh, there's no film in it.
Memories.
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
Again, not a lawyer,
but my advice would be
to move on with your life,
like I'm gonna do with mine.
Move on?
This cookbook is the first thing
I've ever accomplished all on my own.
Not as a wife, not as a mom, but for me.
And now I'm supposed to just let
that crooked publisher take it all away?
It's not that simple.
It is to me.
Erica, did I ever tell you
why I think I could have been a lawyer?
Because you like to argue with everyone
about everything?
Because I would fight
with every fiber of my being
for the things I care about.
My family. My friends. What's right.
I thought maybe you got
some of that from me.
I guess I was wrong.
My mom was back in arbitration,
but without Erica
or any evidence, her case
seemed to be open and shut.
Mrs. Goldberg, do you have
anything further to present?
Only my word.
I did not sign that addendum.
I'm ready to make my ruling
and be done with both of you forever.
Not so fast.
And then, in a hero moment
straight out of "L.A. Law,"
a badass in shoulder pads
showed up to save the day.
Erica, what are you doing here?
Fighting for something I care about.
I'd like to call Murray Goldberg
to the stand.
A surprise, 11th-hour witness?
- Oh, you are in for it now.
- I-I object.
- On what grounds?
- I'll allow it.
Let's see where this goes.
Mr. Goldberg, isn't it true
that you were asked
to take pictures at
your wife's signing party?
That's what people are saying.
And isn't it also true
that you're a forgetful loaf
who's never sure of what
he has or hasn't done?
I can say with full confidence
that I'm a, you know
And do you recognize this?
Oh, that's one of those photo things!
Indeed, it is.
And this one has your name on it.
Are those the pictures
from my signing party?
Hey, it is.
Here's a pic of your cheesy casserole.
But, perhaps, can I direct you
to the last photo?
Oh! Will you look at that?
Somebody's a hero.
I knew it. Rock-solid evidence.
Of what, exactly?
That the addendum was
forged by Mr. Whitby.
Uh-oh.
Because, as you can clearly
see in this photo,
you signed in purple Sharpie,
like a weirdo,
while the contract right there
is signed in blue.
Mr. Whitby, do you have
a response to this?
Yes, I do.
I lied.
But this has been a hoot. Am I right?
The judgment is for Mrs. Goldberg.
- Yes!
- Print her books.
We did it! My baby's a lawyer.
Well, not yet.
But if helping people feels this good,
there is no way I'm not going to be.
And I will be here to support you
every step of the way.
Whether or not you want me to.
I know.
- And I know.
- Ah!
I'm gonna remember this one.
As Erica landed a big win for my mom,
I was feeling terrible
about Pops' crash landing.
Pops, I'm so sorry.
I never should have
given you that powder.
Oh, don't be. I knew what I was taking.
What? You knew it wasn't real?
Then why'd you climb up
on that high-dive?
For you. You seemed so upset
I was slowing down,
I figured I'd give you
a few days of the old Pops.
I'm so confused.
Then where'd all that energy come from?
Simple. I am in incredible pain.
I can't believe you did that for me.
It wasn't just for you, kiddo.
As much as you miss the young Pops,
I miss him, too.
Just so you know,
I'm okay with just sorting coins.
As long as I can be with you.
That's good. Because I'm not
gonna be doing much moving for a while.
Do you remember the end of "Cocoon,"
when all the older people leave Earth
to go to that planet where
they can be young forever?
Would you take that deal?
And miss hanging with my best friend?
Not a chance.
Thanks to Pops, I picked up
a thing or two over the years.
Eventually, we all slow down.
But it doesn't matter if you're
growing older or growing up.
The important thing is to
appreciate the victories.
In the end,
every moment is worth savoring.
And no matter what stage
of life you're in,
a fountain of youth
will never be as magical
as time spent with the ones you love.
You're making me very curious about you.
Hey, guys! I'm just here
to return Oh, my God!
What happened to your skin?
- It's gorgeous, right?
- Ha!
As pro body builders now,
it's important to enhance
our jacked musculature
with a beautiful bronze hue.
That is not bronze.
That's because we went to
the roof without any sunscreen.
We're beet red now,
but it should settle into
a lovely mahogany.
It's so worth it.
You have third-degree burns.
You're just jealous 'cause your skin
isn't this glorious chestnut.
Now, watch my bi's and tri's dance
as I bring a little body oil
to the party.
Ow!
I'll get the aloe vera.