The Neighborhood (2018) s08e09 Episode Script

1
Well, see you next year, Donovan.
And, Jayden, when I figure out
who broke your candy cane,
there will be hell to pay.
Aw. It's always so sad when the
Christmas decorations come down.
You know, what's really sad
is that it's almost March.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, well, don't remind me.
All this time,
and I still have gotten no
nibbles on my job applications.
I keep telling you, you've got
to zhuzh up your résumé a bit.
Well, you know, you say "zhuzh,"
but what you really mean is "lie."
Still feel terrible about
shrinking the font size to 11.
Come on, babe.
You're up against people
who are embellishing
the hell out of their achievements,
and your résumé
it's just so honest.
(STAMMERS)
Look at this. Look at this.
He has a section called "Weaknesses."
Car sickness?
In case they wanted to carpool.
Mrs. B,
thanks for lending us Terrence.
Oh, no, no, no! Don't put him there!
Uh-uh, girl. Him and Jimmy got beef.
No, no, no. I got you,
I got you, I got you.
Dave, your competition is making up
all kinds of stuff on their résumé.
If you want to make an honest
living, you gonna have to lie.
I guess you make a good point.
The good point I've been making
for four months?
You know, Calvin, you're right.
Maybe I do need to
zhuzh it up a little.
He didn't even say "zhuzh."
I said "zhuzh."
I have to say, I'm on Team Calvin.
You mean Team Gemma!
Whoa.
You wouldn't believe how much
I embellished my résumé.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you saying I hired you
off a zhuzhed-up résumé?
Too late.
I have your grandbaby.
(LAUGHING)
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Oh, my God. Gemma!
They just dropped a clip
from the new episode
of Trophy Divas of Brentwood.
- (GASPS)
- Okay.
- Savannah took muscle relaxants.
- Uh-huh. (GASPS)
She drove her Cybertruck into Sephora.
(GASPS) Oh, wait. Oh, wait.
Sephora the store
or Sephora the housewife?
- Bitch, both.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, no, no, no, no.
No more spoilers.
Let's go watch. Let's go watch.
Dave. Dave.
- Guess who just called. The jeweler.
- (SIGHS)
You didn't let me guess.
You know I love to guess.
I'm sorry, man.
But Courtney's engagement ring
is finally ready.
(CHUCKLES)
Operation Proposal is underway.
- All right.
- Yeah.
Now I got to pick the perfect
day to pop the question.
What do you think
of a prime number date?
To show that we can't be divided.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Hey, Dad, uh, can you just sign this?
Yeah, sure. What is it?
Um, the usual.
No need to bother reading it.
I already, uh, read it for you.
In that case,
I definitely want to read it.
Hey, Grover, you have played
this very badly.
Um, it just says I don't have
to do PE because of my asthma.
Oh, been there. I know exactly
how you feel. (CHUCKLES)
No, you don't. He doesn't have asthma.
What? Little boy,
that is stolen valor.
Look, let's not argue over
who does and doesn't have asthma
when all you have to do
is sign your name right there,
and then I get a free period.
Okay, Grover, that would be a lie.
What? Everybody does it.
Charlie said he was allergic
to his own sweat,
and Jacob claimed a religious
exemption to volleyball.
I don't care what everyone does.
Honesty matters, and the truth
will always come out.
Remember this:
Real eyes realize real lies.
I'm sorry, what was that?
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna slow it down.
Real eyes
realize
real lies.
I realize I should have asked Mom.
Okay, close your eyes
and open your mouth.
Mmm. I'm gonna say toro.
- What part of the toro?
- The belly.
Hey, you're getting good at this.
(LAUGHS)
Well, we do sit here every night
and play "guess the sushi."
Mercedes, we've been going out
for the last two months,
and you know, we have
never actually gone out.
Uh, we go out. We've gone out to
the patio to meet the sushi guy.
Look, come on, Sadie.
(SIGHS) Okay.
I know it's not ideal,
but as soon as we go out,
everything will change.
People will recognize me
and they'll swarm us
and they'll take our picture
and you can kiss
your private life goodbye.
Look, I don't want that, but
keeping me hidden away like
this, I feel like a side piece.
Oh, come on, Malcolm.
You're my only piece.
No. No.
No, see, you kissing me like this
will not make these (GRUNTS)
issues go away.
Okay.
Yup. I (SIGHS)
What were we talking about?
(SIGHS)
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Okay.
Done. No! Too obvious.
(SIGHS)
Oh.
(LAUGHS) She plays chess, you idiot.
(GASPS)
Hey-hey-hey.
Look who's home early.
Yup. And I don't have to pick
Daphne up from day care
for another 20 minutes.
- Oh. Really?
- Really.
So, I was thinking we could get
into a little afternoon delight.
Oh.
No, no, no, no.
No?
No. No. Uh
Not, not on the couch. The bed.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (SIGHS)
So much for spontaneity.
Uh, well, not on the bed,
under the bed.
- (GASPS) What?
- (CHUCKLES)
Yeah. Look, you said you wanted
spontaneity. Let's go.
- Okay.
- (LAUGHS)
All right!
This is what I'm talking about.
This is a well-zhuzhed résumé.
Well, a lot of good it's doing me.
All these jobs are just out
of my reach, li-like this one
background in conflict mediation
and therapy.
Okay, great,
but it's with the L.A. Rams.
Rams?
Yeah.
What's the but? I mean,
there is no but, Dave.
The "but" is, it says
"Football experience a must."
(LAUGHING): Oh, Dave, come on.
"Football experience a must," man.
That could mean anything.
I think it means I must have
football experience.
I mean, well,
you played football, right?
- No.
- In middle school.
Nope. The only sports
my mom allowed me to play
were coed badminton and soccer.
Dave, what does the rest
of the world call soccer?
- Football.
- Boom.
(LAUGHS)
There's your football experience.
I guess you could make
that case, but, Calvin
No, no, no, no, no, no, Dave,
no more buts.
Come on, man.
This is a great job for you.
You'll be doing what you love.
You'll be providing for your family.
That is true.
And it comes with great perks
for you and me.
Last season I had a vendor
they took me to their
luxury box at SoFi Stadium.
(SIGHS) Dave, it was paradise.
You and me
hanging out in a luxury box.
Yeah, man, and-and-and-and, Dave
(LAUGHS) That dessert cart,
- all the churros you could eat, baby.
- Churros?
- Say no more. Game on.
- Let's go.
All right, what we watching?
- Oh, my God.
- (SIGHS)
We have finished Netflix.
- Come on.
- No, baby, look.
Already watched, already
watched, already watched.
It doesn't even have suggestions.
Okay, uh
Let's do it.
Get Hulu?
Let's get out of here.
Wait. Really?
Yeah, but it's got to be someplace
that no one would ever look for me.
Actually, I know a secluded place
right here in Venice.
Are you sure?
Yes. (LAUGHS)
Now come on
before you change your mind.
- (SIGHS)
- (CHUCKLES)
And, hey, look, trust me,
we will be inconspicuous.
Mmm.
- Ah!
- Unity!
(BOTH LAUGH)
(STAMMERS)
Shh, shh. Be cool.
- Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
- I am cool.
Okay, what-what was that shot?
Well, this was very cheap tequila.
(LAUGHS) Ding, ding, ding.
I told you, see, "guess the shot"
is a lot more fun
than "guess the sushi."
- Hello, Lenny. Thank you, Leonard.
- MERCEDES: Be cool.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS)
Oh, my God, did you see the headline
on Entertainment Tonight?
"Mercedes' Mystery Man"? Of course!
- (LAUGHS)
- Okay?
- I have theories.
- Me, too.
It's got to be the tennis
instructor from season three.
You saw the way
he restrung her racket.
No way she's dating
some hourly worker.
Oh, my God.
You don't think it could be
Savannah's hot stepson?
(CHUCKLES) Tina, her stepson is gay.
Mercedes' first husband was gay.
That's her type.
Eh.
(GASPS)
Have you asked Malcolm? He knows her.
Uh-bup-bup-bup-bup. Adding him now.
- (SQUEALS)
- (LINE RINGS)
- (GRUNTING)
- Oh.
Mama? Hey, um, good morning.
Malcolm, are you hungover?
Yeah, you look horrible. Ugh.
What is Gemma doing here?
We want answers.
Who is the mystery man?
(GROANS, STAMMERS)
What are you talking about?
- (GASPS) He hasn't seen it yet.
- It's all over the Internet.
Mercedes was seen at some
restaurant with a new guy.
- She was?
- Ugh.
Who is he? Spill it.
Oh, so-so-so you can't tell who it is?
- Ugh.
- He's a mystery man, duh.
- Duh.
- (CHUCKLES)
Mm-hmm.
Uh, wh-wh-whose foot is that?
Mine.
I'm doing yoga.
Y'all messing up my chi. I got to go.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- He was useless.
But flexible.
Calvin.
Calvin. The guy
from the Rams responded.
He wants to Zoom with me
about the job. ASAP.
Oh, man, that's great.
Yeah, yeah, but I have
no idea what I'm gonna say.
Zhuzhing a résumé is one thing,
but a live interview?
That's zhuzh-proof.
I don't know the first thing
about football.
I don't know when they kick.
I don't know why they kick.
Okay. (STAMMERS)
Dave, just calm down, all right?
It's a remote job interview.
I can just stand outside the camera
and coach you,
like a defensive coordinator.
Is that who decides when they kick?
Baby.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Good morning.
Not as good as yesterday afternoon.
I was finding dust bunnies
in my pants all day.
Oh, yeah. Me, too.
(BOTH LAUGH)
We should really use
the Swiffer under there.
Mm.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Since when do you eat
Frankenflakes with ScaryBerries?
I don't, but I'm out
of raisin bran, so
Ah-da-da.
(LAUGHS)
- It's mine.
- So?
(YELPS, LAUGHS)
You wouldn't like it. It
it's so fruity, it's scary.
Fine. I'll have yogurt.
Okay.
Ah, you know what? (LAUGHS)
I am being selfish.
Here you go. (LAUGHS) Enjoy.
GRAHAM (ON ZOOM):
A lot of people think,
offseason, must be
pretty easy right now.
Fact is, for those of us
off the field,
it's the busiest time of year.
So you guys aren't playing right now.
I like a guy who doesn't
take himself too seriously.
Now we're just looking forward
to this year's draft.
What do you think
of this kid Brottmiller?
Br-Brottmiller. Uh
Yeah, he (CHUCKLES)
he has got an arm.
(STAMMERS) And he, uh,
he runs.
Out of his pocket.
You know your stuff.
Maybe we should hire you as a scout.
You know, I was actually a Boy Scout.
Yeah, th-that's on your résumé.
Speaking of which,
football experience.
Tell me, what position did you play?
Position? Well, I was a
I was a strong
safe
Tea. I was a strong safety.
Would've guessed punter.
But great.
The fact that you work in mediation
and you're a therapist?
That's what we're looking for.
All right, next step,
we're gonna loop in Tim
and the training staff.
I'll send you a link later today.
Okay, great.
Uh, looking forward to it.
Thank you.
(LAPTOP CHIMES)
- We did it.
- Yeah, baby.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
David, you just nailed it, man.
Oh, God.
I can already taste those
churros in the luxury box.
(GASPS) So it went well?
Gemma, it was a field goal.
Do we really have to play catch?
Yes. What's more American
than a father and son
tossing around the old pigskin?
That was a pig?
I have no idea.
Now come on, go long.
Grover, you're gonna need
this practice for PE. Now hut.
You got this.
- (MUTTERS)
- (SHRIEKS)
You threw that right at me.
- Did you just hit my truck?
- No, no, no.
D-Did you just hit my truck?
Dave, did you just hit my truck?
No. Cal-Cal-Calvin. Calvin.
I was just trying
to teach football to Grover.
Well, that's nice, but
how about we focus on things
we can actually achieve?
Like you getting this job.
Well, I'm feeling
pretty good about it.
Well, feeling pretty good
is not good enough, Dave.
You got to ace this interview, man.
C-Come on, name some players.
Easy. Travis Kelce.
Okay, name any player that's
not engaged to Taylor Swift.
I got nothing.
Dave, you got to pretend
like you know this stuff.
Wait, so I can't fake asthma
to get out of sports,
but you can lie to get into them?
Well, Grover, it's not the same thing.
- Why not?
- Okay, well, superficially, sure, yes,
but when you're an adult,
you will learn the difference
between real lies
and lies you don't even
realize are lies.
Dave, what the hell are you saying?
He's saying adults can lie
and kids can't.
Well, exactly.
(CHUCKLES) Go on now.
Some of the earliest memories
I have with my dad,
watching those Chiefs.
Now Travis Kelce's team.
Well, Dave, clearly you are
a great fit for the job.
We just want to
Was that your boy?
Hey, little man.
Uh, hello.
How you doing, son?
So, are you a third-generation
football fan, huh?
You bet he is.
Yes. Uh
Football is my favorite.
I (CHUCKLES)
Just the way the players
uh, run, the way they throw the ball,
you know, and they sometimes
catch it. Uh
Well
I-I just try to,
I just try to catch
as many games as I can.
You must be a proud dad.
Yeah. Um
I am a proud dad, and
I would like to stay that way.
Um, listen,
Graham, I'm gonna be honest with you.
I've actually never played
I want those churros, Dave.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
- Yes.
- Congratulations, man.
- (BOTH SHUSHING)
Listen, Courtney is a keeper.
- Yeah. Thanks, big bro.
- Yeah.
- You're welcome.
- And thank you for holding the ring.
Of course, man.
Does this smell like ScaryBerries?
(SIGHS) Yes. Yes. It's a long story.
I am telling you, man,
there is no safe place
in this house.
This woman is everywhere.
- Hello.
- (BOTH SCREAM)
- Wow!
- She's omnipresent!
Oh, you dropped something.
- (SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh!
- (LAUGHS) No, it's just, um
- Whoa.
It's-it's-it's just, it's very, very
- personal.
- Yeah.
- Oh. Say no more.
- Yeah.
He's extremely constipated.
It's his fiber supplement pills.
- He all locked up in here.
- (LAUGHS)
She said, "Say no more."
- Yes, she did.
- Yeah.
Oh, Malcolm, it is nothing
to be ashamed of.
I'm gonna make you
a kiwi smoothie, but
you better not have any plans.
(LAUGHS)
You owe me so big.
Calvin, I can't help but feel
like I let you down
by not getting that job.
Yeah, because
you did let me down, Dave.
Okay, well, I can look my son
in the eye
and know that I set a good example.
I'm comfortable with my decision.
Well, not as comfortable
as we would've been
in that luxury box.
Dave, don't worry.
You'll get the next one.
I know I will, and (SIGHS)
Gemma, I don't want you to feel bad.
I know you meant well when you
told me to lie on my résumé.
Wait. Now I get the credit?
I mean, what were you thinking, Gemma?
Hey, Gemma, E.T. is back on.
KEVIN FRAZIER (OVER TV):
And Trophy Diva of Brentwood
Mercedes Selznick was out on the town,
canoodling with this
tall drink of water.
And all of Mercedes Nation
wants to know:
who is this new boy toy?
- Uh Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
- What?
Oh, my God.
That's Malcolm.
(SCOFFS) Please. That blur?
You can't even see a face.
I don't need to see a face.
Look, the-the ear,
that walk.
That ain't no damn boy toy!
That's my baby!
sync & corrections awaqeded