The Neighborhood (2018) s08e10 Episode Script

1
Chili for your boy.
[LAUGHING]
- Got the corn bread.
- [SPORTSCAST PLAYING OVER TV]
Yeah, all right, all right.
Game on. Okay.
[LAUGHING]
Nice. This is what
I'm talking about right here.
[MURMURING]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Aw, man, I already dipped. What?
[RINGING CONTINUES]
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
Okay.
Unknown number?
This better be good,
because I already dipped.
Marty?
Why you calling from this number?
Oh, is that Malcolm?
Let me talk to him.
No, baby, it's Marty.
He's got a flat
on the side of the 101.
Oh. Well, why doesn't he
just call a tow truck?
For a flat tire?
We Butler men,
we don't call a tow truck
for a flat tire. [CHUCKLES]
Say what? You already called 'em?
Oh, oh.
Ask him if Malcolm told
him he's seeing someone.
Babe, he's broke down
on the side of the road.
Then he has time to talk.
Tell him.
Okay, okay, o-okay, babe.
Marty, no, don't What?
Since when do you leave work
without your phone or your wallet?
I know you ain't about
to eat chili over my nice rug.
I'm not eating chili at all.
Marty, what the hell
are you doing here?
Well, hello to you, too, Mommy.
Your dad said that you were
stuck on the side of the road.
Well, I think I would know
if I were. [CHUCKLES]
Ow!
Why didn't you tell me
that your brother was
dating a reality TV star?
He is? Oh, Mercedes!
- [SCOFFS]
- [LAUGHING]
Please. You're no help.
No, no, I got it.
Uh, the, uh, security code is 314.
MARTY'S VOICE: Thanks. And zip code?
Zip code?
Marty, you've had the same
zip code your whole life.
Sorry, Dad.
I'm just a little scrambled.
I want to get home safely.
Okay, all right, all right,
just calm down.
Um, the zip code is 91101.
Daddy! How's it going?
Shh. I'm on the phone with Marty.
Thanks, Dad. It just went through.
[LINE BEEPS]
What the hell?
- Who was that?
- That was you.
No, I'm me. That was not me.
If that wasn't you, then who did
I just give my credit card to?
Aw, damn. I just got got!
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Yeah, no, my high
school mascot is a bear.
Now can you freeze my card, please?
No, I know my favorite movie.
It's Training Day.
What do you mean
that's not my favorite movie?
I know my favorite movie when
I tell you my favorite movie.
Okay, oh, if it's not that,
then it's Barbershop.
Hey, Calvin, can you fix a TV?
Dave, Dave, I'm on the phone. No, no.
Do not put me on hold.
Sir, do not put me [STAMMERS]
They put me on hold.
- What's wrong, Dave?
- I punched my TV and broke it.
[CHUCKLES] Been there.
2017, when the Astros
cheated the Dodgers.
Ooh. Me, too.
Series finale, Game of Thrones.
'Nuff said.
It wasn't like that.
I was wearing my VR goggles,
and I'm trying to knock down
Mushroom Sprites in
Pixie Quest 3-D, you know?
[IMITATES WHOOSHING]
[SIGHS] I didn't realize
my TV was there.
- I mean, you get it.
- No, no, I get it.
Those purple mushrooms
are so mischievous,
but you got to hit them like this.
Really?
Video games?
See, this is why
you can't change a damn tire.
Dad, it wasn't me!
Does this mean we can
get into Mercedes' restaurant?
I mean, we should be VIPs.
Expired.
I'm not going to that place.
I could never support a woman
who pulled a fire alarm
at a sushi bar
just so she could get a table.
You said that was genius.
You love Mercedes. Keep.
Well, that's when she was
a trophy diva of Brentwood.
Now she's just a woman
that's sinking her claws
into my little boy.
Does cereal go bad?
This box has Gabby Douglas on it.
Aw.
It could be bad, but I ain't
throwing Gabby away.
Expired.
Why is he doing this to me?
Why is he keeping it a secret?
Because he knows you can be
What can I be, Gemma?
I don't want to say
while I'm standing on a chair.
This is good.
Look, man, I get it.
It's not easy dating a celebrity.
How would you know, Trey?
Don't you remember? I dated Sheridan.
She was on Price Is Right.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
She, uh, she-she won
the Showcase Showdown?
That's how I went to Greece.
Okay, look, it's not really
the same thing, Trey, you know.
Mercedes is
an international celebrity.
Uh, Greece is international.
Anyway, all over the Internet,
everybody's asking,
"Who's the mystery guy?"
This is what Mercedes
was warning me about.
Man, who cares?
She's worth it, isn't she?
Yeah, she is. Definitely.
I just
look, I like my privacy, man.
You know, it's only a matter of time
before I'm in the public eye.
Any day now, some vulture's
gonna get my photo
and make a fortune off of it.
Yeah.
That's a damn shame.
That's why I stopped
dating celebrities.
You know, I should've known
it wasn't you.
Like you could go ten feet
without your phone.
I know you're just lashing out.
Am I losing my edge? Am I slipping?
Dad, th-these scammers
have gotten so sophisticated,
- it could happen to anyone.
- Has it happened to you?
Me? [LAUGHING]
No.
See, Dave, I come from a time
that if you got taken,
they did it to you in person.
They respected you enough
to scam you to your face.
Well, Calvin, you know,
you wouldn't have gotten taken
if you spent a little more time
keeping yourself sharp.
You should do what I do:
puzzles, brainteasers, crosswords.
Oh, uh, what's a four-letter word for
"insufferable know-it-all"?
Ooh, I know this one.
It's "Dave," isn't it?
You are sharp.
MARTY: You know, Dad,
you could put in a little
more effort to be tech-savvy.
I mean, I went through
a lot of trouble to install
that Wi-Fi sprinkler system,
and you won't even open the app.
I like my hose.
I like to use my thumb to hit
the brown spots in my grass.
He won't even use the spray nozzle.
Why would I do that
when I have a thumb?
You know, how about you use
that same thumb on the app
to hit those same brown spots?
Then I would have a dry thumb.
I don't like dry thumb.
Daddy, you are just so
resistant to anything new.
You know, Calvin, as long as
you stay this stubborn,
stuff like this is gonna
keep happening to you.
Well, answer me this:
Why did the voice sound
exactly like you?
DAVE: Well, uh, Calvin,
scammers can clone people's voices
that post things on the Internet.
Well, you don't post on the Internet.
Do you?
I mean, h-have I ever posted
anything online?
I'm-I'm sure,
in special circumstances.
Marty. Are you forgetting?
He's got a YouTube channel.
Move over.
But I don't post that often.
Calvin, he has got a weekly show.
It's called The Butler Debunked It.
What the hell is that?
Okay, look, I just feel like,
as a scientist,
it is my duty to inform the
public about misconceptions in
[QUIETLY]: superhero movies.
In-in-in what?
Superhero movies.
Now that I've explained it,
we don't need to watch it.
No, no, no. Let's watch this one.
- Hard truth.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
I don't care how strong Kal-El,
aka "Superman," is.
Lifting a building is not
just about strength.
It's about that object's
ability to withstand
its own weight.
If lifted from a single point,
a skyscraper would collapse
and crush everyone in Metropolis.
But they don't tell you
that part, okay?
They don't tell you that part.
That is what you learn here
at Butler Debunked It,
where the only superpower is science.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC ENDS]
[LAUGHS]
Wow.
61 views.
It's-it's only been up for two months.
That's just great.
Now I got to fill out
18 different forms
to get my money back.
I hope your zero seconds of fame
was worth it.
Man, I thought
the comments section was mean.
This one calls you
"Bill Nye the Celibate Guy."
[GRUNTS] Well, thank you for
taking me out for coffee, Mama.
That was a, uh
that was a nice surprise.
Well, I'm always happy
to spend time with my firstborn,
who shares everything with me.
[MALCOLM CHUCKLES]
Anything else you want to tell me?
I can't think of anything else.
Think harder.
- You know what?
- What?
- I just bought an air fryer.
- Oh, okay.
Well, do you like it?
It, uh, it hasn't come in yet.
Okay, Malcolm, I drove an hour
and paid $34 to park.
Is there anything else
you want to tell me?
Uh, Mama, I-I told you about
the cat that lives on my front porch.
Right? I-I told you
I got a loyalty card
from the coffee place.
I told you I got a birthday
email from my optometrist.
I don't have anything else.
Mm-hmm.
Surfing?
Not for me.
Trey, you bought a surfboard?
Nah, nah, people just
leave these out for you to use.
I don't think that's true.
Okay. I'm gonna go.
Um, unless there's
something new in your life
that you just remembered.
- Is there?
- Uh, well
Miss Tina.
I just got my forklift license.
Aw! That's so nice.
Thank you for sharing something
from your life, Trey.
Oh, I hate this, man.
- Keeping secrets from my mama.
- So? Tell her about Mercedes.
You said it yourself,
it's gonna get out.
Yeah, I know, but I'm not ready.
Well, you should get ready.
It could get out as early as today.
For all we know.
Trey?
You ain't reading no damn book. Trey!
- Is it already out?
- For all we know, yes.
[SCOFFS]
- Really, Trey?
- I'm sorry. I-I'll get a towel.
I'm not talking about the couch.
You sold me out.
- I thought we was boys.
- Man, we are boys.
Somebody was gonna get paid.
I'm not gonna let some vulture
get paid off my friend's misery.
So now we're making money
off your misery.
So you sold me out
for a couple of bucks.
Wow.
- Whoa.
- Your half.
Just put it in the air fryer
for like 30 seconds.
Oh, my God, I better go tell my mama.
She will never forgive me if she
hear it from the streets first.
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
- [CLAMORING OUTSIDE]
Well, you better hurry up.
There's a couple guys out here
trying to take pictures
through the window.
MALCOLM: Oh!
Just stop posing, Trey!
- I guess it could be Malcolm.
- Oh, it definitely is.
Let me zoom in.
Look at that. Look at that.
Yo, now it's just a blurry blob.
You can't even recognize
your brother's own ear?
It looks just like your dad's.
Look. See? Look at that.
What are you doing?
I'm looking at your ear.
Well, I'm trying to do sudoku.
Why?
Dave was clowning me
about getting scammed.
They say doing puzzles
sharpen the mind, so
- Oh.
- Ah.
Sudoku, eh?
But that box has
nothing but eights in it.
Yeah. That's my eight box.
Ooh, hey, guys.
Uh, can I borrow some muscle?
I need help setting up my brand-new
70-inch flat-screen TV.
Dave, you have a teenage son.
He helped Dave get it into the house.
Took so much out
of him he went to bed.
Well, piece of advice, Dave.
Teach the boy how to change a tire.
I didn't have a flat tire!
This is a big TV, Dave.
Yeah, 4K OLED?
That must have been pricey.
One would think.
But I was on my way into the store,
and I saw a guy with this baby
in his shopping cart.
He was trying to return the TV
because it was too big for his shelf,
but the return line was too long.
- Yeah, it already sounds sus.
- Super sus.
Let me finish.
He didn't want to wait,
so he asked if I would
take it off his hands.
He wanted full price,
but, uh, I haggled with him
and got $200 off.
Okay.
Well, it's a good thing
you didn't pay full price,
because whatever is in this box,
it's definitely not a TV.
Yes, it is.
Because, being a savvy consumer,
I made him open the box and show me.
Marty.
- Oh, yeah.
- Whoa.
Well, I stand corrected.
Well, damn.
Yeah, I felt bad
taking advantage of the guy,
but it's a dog-eat-dog world
out there, and today I ate dog.
Don't-don't even
Let's fire this bad boy up.
[TV CHIMES]
Well, it certainly is hi-def.
The hell is that?!
Well, Dave, it appears as though
you have bought a Gravy Jack's menu.
No. No.
[STAMMERS]
It must just be
on the chicken channel.
Dave, there is no chicken channel.
And that is the remote
for an adjustable bed.
You know, after looking
at all these ears,
I think it could be Malcolm.
Yeah, you never realize
how weird ears look
until you look at a thousand of them.
Hey, Ma, we need to talk.
What-what is it?
Well, remember when you asked me
if there was anything new
- going on in my personal life?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I just remembered something.
Mm.
- Mercedes - Who called it?!
- Oh!
- Who called it?!
- You.
Okay.
So you knew?
Yes, baby, I knew.
- Oh, Mommy
- And what were you thinking?!
That woman is toxic.
She's materialistic.
- She is a drama queen.
- Whoa.
Now, now, hold on, Mama.
You were the one who told me
to give Mercedes a chance.
A chance to write a book,
not to be out smooching up
in public with your ear all out!
My ears are always out.
And I'm trying to tell you
she is not who you think she is.
Oh, no, honey, she is not
who you think she is.
I have been watching
that woman for years,
and she is ruthless.
She doesn't care who gets hurt.
You saw the last episode,
when she got Sienna drunk
at the ski chalet and then
pushed her off the chairlift!
She went down that mountain
faster than the people on skis.
- Full-on makeup.
- Just, like, not even an eyelash out of place.
Okay, okay, okay, okay!
Look, Ma, real talk, okay?
We should
Gemma, I think we could use
a little privacy.
- [GASPS] I'll lock the door.
- Okay.
[LOCK CLICKS]
Oh. With me on the other side of it.
- Y-Yeah, okay, go.
- Yeah.
Call me.
I locked it.
Now, Mama, I know what you gonna say.
What? That Mercedes Selznick
once made a whole cruise ship
turn around because
she forgot her Birkin bag?
I did not know
you were gonna say that.
That woman is
a narcissistic nightmare.
Which I love on TV,
but not for my son.
See, b-but that's just it, Mama.
You are talking about
her TV character.
That's not the Sadie I know.
Sadie? Who's Sadie?
Yeah, that's what I'm trying
to tell you. Okay?
She's she's two different people.
Right, right.
And both of them are wrong for you.
You know, Ma,
Grandma told me a story once.
About a woman Pop was seeing.
Said she was all wrong for him.
She was gonna ruin his life.
Yeah, yeah, I get it, Malcolm.
That woman was me.
No, that was some woman named Carla.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, she was crazy.
Okay, but Pop had to find out
who she was for himself, Ma.
If he had never done that,
he'd be wondering "What if?"
his whole life.
All right. Malcolm, I hear you.
You're a grown man.
I just got to let you
do stupid things.
Thank you.
And as a veteran of
many, many stupid relationships,
I'm telling you, this
this thing I have with Sadie,
it's not stupid, Mama.
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
- [CLAMORING OUTSIDE]
What is going on out there?
It's like 15 photographers
in front of our house.
Tina, did you tell the news
I got scammed?
Yeah, Calvin.
60 Minutes is on the way.
No, no, no, Pop.
It's because I'm in a relationship
with Mercedes Selznick.
Well, all right!
No. No.
Not helping.
Uh, babe, I'm just saying.
She's a rich woman.
Our boy is like the new Stedman.
[LAUGHING]
Ooh, can I get a chicken sandwich?
Buy your own. You rich now.
That was my sandwich.
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
- [CLAMORING OUTSIDE]
Back! Back!
It is crazy out there.
They were swarming me like zombies.
And not the slow Walking Dead kind.
The fast-moving World War Z kind.
Save it for your YouTube, Marty.
Well, good luck.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're going out there?
We're not the ones dating celebrities.
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
- [CLAMORING OUTSIDE]
[PAPARAZZI GROANING, BOOING]
Ah, come on! [STAMMERS]
For all you know,
I could be Tom Cruise.
Ha, ha!
I don't know how I'm ever
gonna get out of here.
Oh, well, I guess you have to
move back home with us, baby.
No!
CALVIN: Don't worry, Malcolm.
I can get you out of here.
Thanks to your brother,
I have an app for that.
- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES]: Hey.
- Come on, man.
- Okay. Check you out.
- [CAMERAS CLICKING]
- [CLAMORING]
[CHUCKLES] Well, hello,
ladies and gentlemen.
[PAPARAZZI GROANING]
Great evening, huh?
You guys look like you might be
a little thirsty.
- Yeah.
- Boom!
- [LAUGHS]
- Dad.
- That's-that's your flashlight.
- Okay, yeah.
H-Hold on just a second. Wait. Um
And boom!
- Yeah.
- [PAPARAZZI GROANING]
Ah, yeah. Oh, okay.
Oh, I see they might need
a little zone two.
- Yeah, hit 'em with the zone two.
- Full power. Boom!
MARTY: Deuces. Let's go.
[LAUGHS] Let's go!
- Run, run!
- Yeah. Oh, Dad!
There's a guy behind the tree.
Oh, I'm-a have to zone five him
with the turbo boost.
- Boom!
- [GROANS]
Let's go!
- Get out of here!
- Yeah.
Hey, Malcolm, come on out, man.
The coast is clear.
Whew. Hey, thank you, Pop.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
- Ah! Paparazzi, two o'clock!
- Oh, go.
Go, go, go, go. I got you!
I got you! Move, move!
Go! Move, move, move!
Get low, Malcolm! Get low!
sync & corrections awaqeded