The Neighborhood (2018) s08e14 Episode Script

1
Okay, we need you
to settle an argument.
It's not an argument.
MARTY: All right. I will
frame it without prejudice.
Asking a woman's father for
his blessing before proposing:
is it a time-honored tradition
that builds a bond with
one's future father-in-law
or
is it an outdated patriarchal ritual
that only matters to stupid Marty?
I remember I asked
Gemma's dad. It was so special.
He broke out the cigars,
his good whiskey.
I vomited on his loafers.
We really bonded that day.
You know, when I asked
your Grandpa Otis,
your mama was already showing.
Yeah, and then he showed you his .38.
Well, as traumatizing
as these memories sound,
I really don't want you
doing that, Marty.
I can't believe you've never
met Courtney's dad in person.
I know. He has his security
consulting business,
so he's always traveling.
I met her mom,
I've met her sisters,
I even met her weird aunt.
Eleanor is not weird,
she just talks in a baby voice
when she's nervous.
Oh.
And now, finally Clancy's
in town on business,
so I get to meet him,
but there's so much pressure on it.
Oh, relax.
He likes to puff up his chest,
but he's a softy.
You'll be fine.
Just talk about dad stuff.
Uh, barbecue, golf, gas prices.
Damn it.
I drive an electric car.
Daddy, how much is gas?
Too damn much.
Well, I can't wait to meet
your dad. You know what?
We'll have him over for dinner.
Absolutely.
Uh, what do Canadians like to eat?
Ah, poutine.
Poutine? What-what's poutine?
Oh, it's like a, like a cheese toast.
Oh, oh, oh, and it's got French fries
- in there, right?
- Yes, fries.
- Cheese curds.
- [ALL TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]
Hey!
I'm making pot roast.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Hey, Grove. How was school?
Excellent. My favorite period
was second period.
I've got a history test coming up
that I'm gonna get a head start on.
It is the Industrial Revolution,
which is some wild stuff.
Um, but how was your day?
It was good.
Okay, great.
I'll see you guys for dinner.
Uh, what just happened?
Did he just ask us about our day?
Why was he talking about school?
That is not our son.
Remember fourth grade,
when he was all nice to us?
Yeah, he wasn't eating
the lunches we packed him.
Stack of bologna under his pillow.
I could light a hundred candles,
it still smells like a deli in there.
Oh, wow.
What happened, babe, did
the power go out at the salon?
No, but I had to leave before
I slapped Zenay with a flat iron.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, Mama, what happened?
She wouldn't shut up
about all the tabloid trash
she's been seeing
about you and Mercedes online.
Well, Mercedes and I have
already talked about it, okay?
It just comes with the territory
of dating a reality TV star.
Zenay was all, like, "Oh,
congratulations,
your son hit the jackpot."
All those ladies are talking
about you being a gold digger.
- A gold digger? Come on.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you know,
that doesn't make any sense.
Well, that's what I said.
Yeah, 'cause if anything,
he'd be a gigolo.
- Calvin!
- Oh, come on, Pop. A gigolo?
She was all like, "Ooh,
Malcolm's gonna
have to sign a prenup."
What? No, no, no. I am not
after Mercedes's money.
Okay? I don't know where people
come up with this stuff.
Ooh, Malcolm.
I see you driving
your fiancée's sweet
Range Rover. [LAUGHS]
She knows how to treat her boy toy.
"Boy toy."
- That's it. That's the one.
- MALCOLM: No, no, no, no.
No, that's not it, okay?
My car was blocked in
by her Range Rover,
so I moved it, and the heated seats
felt nice so I kept driving it.
But I am not a boy toy.
Well, then, can you come down
to the salon with me
and tell them that so I can get
the other half of my hair done?
Well, If it makes you
feel any better, Malcolm,
I was at the barbershop
to get a fresh line-up
to meet Courtney's dad,
and everybody there
was cheering you on.
They said you went from
"jump-off" to "scratch-off."
[LAUGHS]
- That is funny, right?
- No, no, that's not funny.
Oh, FYI,
everybody at the barbershop says
do not sign the prenup.
Mercedes hasn't even
brought up the idea of a prenup.
Good. You know, because you are
entitled to half her stuff.
- Okay.
- She's taking a Butler man off the market.
No, no, no, Pop.
I do not want half of her stuff.
What? She got some good stuff.
Oh, man.
Grover, have a seat.
Um, this seems probably bad.
Honey, we're worried about you.
You've been acting strangely,
and we just want
to make sure you're okay.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Well, then, why are you scratching?
Oh, um
I don't know. No reason. Just fun.
Grover, sweetie,
you know you can tell us anything.
Are you on drugs?
Yes. Yes.
I'm on drugs, but
I will get off them immediately.
I guess this is rock bottom, huh?
Damn it, he's not on drugs.
You know what?
That's it. Sleeve up, now.
[GEMMA GASPS]
Oh, my God. Is that a tattoo?
Yes, okay? It's a tattoo.
We can see that, Post Malone.
What is it even
supposed to be? A moon?
I think it's a slice of cantaloupe.
What? It's obviously a dolphin.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
- In what world is that a dolphin?
It doesn't even have a dorsal fin.
Whatever it is, it's infected,
so we gotta get him
- to urgent care.
- Come on.
Can we not talk about this on the way?
Oh, we are talking
about this on the way,
starting with how does
a dolphin with no fin
even balance in the ocean?
Mr. Pridgeon.
Marty.
At last.
It's an honor, sir.
Mm, no, no, the honor is mine.
Mm-hmm.
Please, sit down.
All right.
I I, uh,
I'm gonna need my hand back.
Yeah.
Okay, uh
It's, uh,
it's so nice to finally
meet you, uh, face to face.
I hope they have barbecue here.
It is the golf of food.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
What are you drinking?
Oh, just water.
Well, where I'm from,
water's for washing your ass.
Well, we-we do that here,
too, it's just that
some people choose to drink it.
Uh, it's
Hmm. Scotch and soda.
Hold the soda.
Uh, and I'll have a mango margarita.
Hmm?
Uh, hold the mango.
So, um,
your daughter's great.
Which one?
No, I thought it was obvious
I meant Courtney.
What's wrong with the others, huh?
Nothing. No, I mean,
they're-they're great.
They're You did good.
You did real good, sir.
[LAUGHS]
I'm just busting your balls,
Marty. Come on, man.
[LAUGHS] Oh. Oh, well,
consider my balls busted.
- [LAUGHS]
- Uh
Look, I'll just cut
to the chase, Mr. Pridgeon.
Um, it is my intention
to marry your daughter,
Courtney, um,
and I I would really
like your blessing.
Yeah
Okay, so what's the problem?
You-you asked the man
for his blessing,
and he said "Yes."
Not exactly.
He said, "Yeah"
Well, isn't that just a long "yes"?
No, see, the inflection is important.
Could be a "yes."
Could be a "no." Could be
a "hell no" for all I know.
Well, how dare he maybe
say "hell no" to my son.
Or-or-or
maybe he said, "hell yes."
So, my dad told me
you two had a nice lunch.
Yeah
Meaning what?
That's what we would like to know.
Look, Courtney,
your dad was very intimidating.
But the worst part was
I asked him for his blessing and
Oh, God, really?
I know, babe, I couldn't help myself.
But I still don't know
what his answer was.
What did he say?
Yeah
[SIGHS] Oh God.
Marty, it's just what he does.
Okay? He made
my prom date wet his tuxedo.
[CHUCKLES] Well, he'll never
make a Butler man wet himself.
You didn't pee on yourself,
did you, boy?
No!
He is all bark and no bite.
He was just trying to rattle you.
Well, I'm rattled.
Well, if only someone had told you
not to ask for his blessing.
Okay.
Okay, you know what?
Everybody calm down.
He's coming for dinner.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
Well, if he doesn't
give Marty his blessing,
I'm taking mine away from Courtney.
[GROANS] Malcolm,
we don't have to do this.
I don't care about a prenup.
Look, I'm sorry,
but it's important to me.
All right? I need the world to know
I don't want half of your stuff.
I got some good stuff.
Okay.
Good afternoon.
- Mercedes.
- Preston.
I'd like to start off
by saying, for the record,
that this meeting is inappropriate.
Relax, Preston. We are
all on the same team here.
The thing is, we're not.
By definition,
a prenup is
an adversarial negotiation,
and you've let
our opponent into the process.
Well, um, the opponent,
hey, has a name. It's Malcolm.
Pleasure to meet you.
Say it like you mean it.
Pleasure to meet you!
Okay, you're grounded.
No TV, no phone, no internet.
What-what else
can we take away from him?
Oh, you know what? None of
those fun cereals either.
Just a big bag of bran
with Mom's terrible almond milk.
GEMMA: All right,
enough with the stonewalling, Inky.
Where'd you get the tattoo?
At school, okay? I
A friend got
a stick-and-poke tattoo kit
and asked to try it out on me.
You were the guinea pig
for someone's first tattoo?
No wonder it's terrible.
Yeah, and that kid has got
to go to the aquarium.
Fine, I'll add the fin.
- No.
- No!
What is the perp's name? Spill it.
What, so you can call her parents?
Her?
Her name's Esme.
We've been kind of hanging out.
She thinks I'm funny and
she says my drawings are cool.
Why would you let her do this?
She dared me. What was
I supposed to do, say no?
Yes! Other options would be
"in your dreams," or "no way in hell."
Right, Dave?
Well
I'm sorry. "Well"?
I mean, she did dare him.
Okay, quick sidebar.
You, sit.
Wait, what?
Um, hello? Can I have a snack?
Bran? You guys were serious?
We're supposed to be a united front,
and you're telling our son
a dare is a reason
to get all tatted up?
I'm just saying, I kind of get it.
Look, Esme is his Angel Kinnard.
Who?
Look, I was about
Grover's age and, gosh,
Angel was so mean to me.
It was amazing.
Mean is amazing?
Oh, yeah. Look,
most of the girls ignored me,
but not Angel Kinnard.
I would've done anything
she dared me to do.
I once let her give me a mohawk
with a dog trimmer.
She used to wear this red bra,
and when she would stand in
front of the overhead projector,
you could see it
through her Iron Maiden T-shirt.
Is that why you bought me that shirt?
No.
Look, the point is
is I've been there.
I guess I've been there, too.
I used to torture Jake Herman.
And he loved it.
He used to let me draw
on the back of his neck
with a Sharpie in algebra.
So maybe we cut Grover
a teeny bit of slack?
Maybe.
And if you, uh, want to put on that
- Iron Maiden T-shirt
- No, I'm not putting on the shirt, Dave.
You can draw anything you want
on the back of my neck.
Stop it.
So,
the Malibu house?
I don't want it.
The ski chalet in Park City.
I didn't know about that one, but I,
I don't want it.
What about Aspen?
How many chalets do you have?
Uh, Aspen is one of my horses.
Damn, you do have some good stuff.
And I'd like to protect that stuff.
Okay, Preston, I don't know
what else to tell you,
but I don't want any of it.
I see what you're doing.
Acting like you're mentally unstable
so you can invalidate
the agreement later.
Respect.
Do you have any other lawyers?
Because I may be
about to kill Preston.
Or, my love, we can not do this.
What are we accomplishing here?
We are shutting up all the people
who don't believe I love you for you.
Okay. Malcolm, I was only
going through with this
because I was trying to make
you happy, but enough is enough.
All those people
have opinions about me, too,
and I don't care.
And neither should you.
I know. I know, you're right.
I am.
The only opinion
you should care about is mine.
And I love you and I trust you,
so I know you're
gonna be disappointed,
but we are not getting a prenup.
PRESTON: Um
I'm disappointed.
Courtney, does your father
have any food allergies?
Just mustard.
Huh.
Calvin, can you pass me
the mustard, please?
Tina. Tina, we give the man
a chance before we poison him.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- [GASPS] Hi, Daddy.
- Oh.
- Hi!
- Jellybean. How's my baby girl?
- Good.
- All right.
- Good, good, good.
- Mr. Pridgeon.
This is my father, Calvin Butler.
Ah, nice to meet you.
Good to be met.
Well, come on in, man. Have a seat.
All right. Sure.
All right.
Okay. Yeah.
Oh, Dad, this is Marty's mom Tina.
Oh, hey, it's a pleasure to meet you.
We'll see.
Tina. Tina, come on, now.
Now, come on. Just be cool.
Jellybean, is, uh, something going on?
I hope not.
You know what?
Um, how about
we clear the air here
and just kind of, you know,
just get right to it. Uh, Marty?
- Yes. Uh, Mr. Pridgeon.
- Mm-hmm?
When I asked you for your blessing,
I gotta say, I was a little
confused by your answer.
How so?
Well, it sounded to me
like you said "no."
Oh, if I meant "no,"
I would've said "no."
See? See that, baby?
See, the man meant "yes."
Well, if I meant "yes,"
I also would've said "yes."
Ah-ha.
Okay, all right.
Well, ho-ho-hold on now, Clancy.
You're confusing me, because
if you're not saying "no"
and you're not saying "yes,"
what the hell are you saying?
I'm processing.
Well,
I mean, I can help you process.
Okay, you know what?
You know what? Tina, no.
- Babe.
- What is he talking about?
- You know, I got, I got, I got.
- He's processing, and he
- I-I-I
- talking about my son's life?
No, I got this.
You know what? Um,
how about
we all go get some fresh air,
just kind of talk. Come on, man.
You know, me, you, Marty.
Yeah, man. You and me,
my pleasure. You know.
Um, you see how
he just sat down in my chair?
[TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]
Okay.
Look, you're a dad, and I get it.
But Marty and Courtney are adults.
Have you been to his house?
He has a lot of
Star Wars dolls for an adult.
[MARTY STAMMERS]
Sorry, "dolls"?
Dolls? [SCOFFS] Do dolls have
36 points of unique
articulation? I think not.
- Okay?
- Hey, hey, Marty, Marty,
you're-you're not helping here.
I got it. Look.
They're gonna get married.
I mean, why can't you accept that?
Because that's my baby girl, man.
- [CRYING]
- [CALVIN STAMMERS]
Oh. Oh, damn.
I did not see that coming.
[SNIFFLES]
Look, my daughter went off
and had a baby.
She's about to marry a man
that I don't even know.
That's not
how it's supposed to happen.
She was supposed
to bring him home to meet me
so I could size him up.
Get to know him.
Take him to a hockey game, a fight.
Shoot a caribou from a helicopter.
Is-is-is that a thing you can do?
Hey, um,
Mr. Pridgeon, sir,
I would love to do
all those things with you.
Well, I mean,
not those things,
but things.
What I'm trying to say is,
your daughter is the best thing
that ever happened to me.
She's smart, she's beautiful,
she inspires me.
Now, I know me
and Courtney didn't do things
the most conventional way,
but from this moment forward,
you are in this thing with us,
because we are family.
So
you'll go up
in the helicopter with me?
Yeah
Touché.
- Yeah, that was
- [LAUGHS]
I see what you did there.
You know what?
For a man that
orders mango margaritas,
you're all right with me.
You ordered a mango margarita?
Yes, he did.
Okay, y'all need to wrap it up.
I'm ready to eat,
and I'm not waiting for
anyone's blessing for that.
Speaking of that Jellybean?
You and Marty
have my blessing.
Thank you, Dad.
- Oh.
- Oh.
It's still dumb, but thank you.
- Okay.
- Well
Clancy,
- grandpa to grandpa
- Yeah?
welcome to the family.
Oh, thank you. [LAUGHS]
Oh. Well, you know,
I can do this all day.
Yeah, me, too.
I've never lost a handshake.
- Me, either.
- Yeah.
I often say,
"Calvin Butler. Nice to meet you."
[LAUGHS] Oh, fancy-pantsy,
hand-grips-anancy.
[LAUGHS] Top o' the day to you, sir.
Okay, salutations to you, my friend.
Or I'll flip it up on you, be like
[TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]
And you know, I'll flip it
right back on you.
sync & corrections awaqeded