The Goldbergs s08e15 Episode Script
Bever-lé
1
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
my dad and Barry shared a love
- of Philly sports teams
- ALL: Oh!
- especially the Eagles
- Yes!
though you wouldn't always
know it by the way they talked.
The Eagles are a giant steaming
pile of crap.
They need to fire the coach, G.M.,
and the guy who carts off the
players after they get injured.
Could he drive any slower?
It's a shame a pig had to die for this.
I hate my team so much!
What time should I come over
to watch the game on Sunday?
The preshow starts at 10:00.
- Don't be late.
- Okay.
And nothing mattered more than beating
my dad's best friend's team,
the hated Cowboys.
Lord in the sky, if he misses this kick,
I promise to live a just and pious life.
Except on my birthday.
And those evenings
when the Asti Spumante
hits Dolores just right.
Okay-kay-kay, let's lock arms
to help him aim.
Come on. Come on.
[Crowd cheers]
- Yeah!
- Oho-ho! Yeah!
- All right!
- Never doubted it!
- All right!
- This is on you, big fella.
I'm converting to whatever Murray is.
Whatever you do, Bill,
don't come crying to us.
I appreciate your concern,
but I only allow myself
one good cry a year,
and I wasted it on the death
of my father.
Hello?
Yes, there is a Losery Loser
from Loserville here.
[Laughs] It's for you, Bill.
Unlike the majestic eagle
for which your team is named,
you are not an honorable creature!
Good day!
- [Chuckles]
- We did it. We're 3 and 7.
Not mathematically eliminated yet.
Whoo-hoo!
Yep, the Eagles brought
my dad and Barry together.
Until the following season,
when the unthinkable happened.
Everyone, shut up!
I have an announcement
of international importance!
Barry, what is it? What's wrong?
Let me catch my breath.
I ran here from my car.
And you had to go up three steps.
Oh! Pins and needles!
Throw out that water. Bring your
brother some Hawaiian Punch.
No, this is my special water.
- Bar, what is it?
- I just heard a terrible rumor
that NFL players are going on strike.
It's not a rumor, moron.
This is the single most terrible
thing that's ever happened!
I was born in a wagon
and didn't see a dentist
till I was 20, but sure.
Darling, I can tell you're upset.
Come over here.
Let me nuzzle you
and sing the calm-down song.
If you need me, I'll be in my room,
punching and kicking
my treasured possessions.
But it's just a stupid game.
- [Suspenseful music plays]
- What did you just say?
You can't hurt me! Mom's here.
I can't help you. He's too upset.
- Run, Schmoopie, run!
- [Roars]
- Whoa!
- Aah!
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was March 31st, 1980-something,
and my mom was playing
her favorite sport
haggling with salespeople.
So listen up, Deb.
You're gonna take this coupon,
apply it to the existing discount,
then hand me the sweater plus $15.
I'm getting the manager.
Great. Go get Gerald.
[Chuckles]
It'll give me time to get mad.
Can we go?
I still have to exist in this society
even when you're not around.
Erica, I will not pay a dollar
more than the $4
that I've already paid for
that giant bag of new clothes.
Yep, my mom's bargaining
ability had no equal,
with one exception.
Beverly Goldberg?
Oh, as I live and breathe.
Well, unfortunately, you still do.
[Laughs]
Hello, Jane Bales.
If you're wondering
why the sales rack is empty,
it's because this vulture
already picked it clean.
Show her.
Oh, please.
I can get anything on sale I want.
I once made Chanel honor
a McDonald's gift certificate.
Well, I once forced my way into
Filene's Basement's basement.
[Chuckles] It was filled
with industrial
air-conditioning equipment,
which I bought for pennies
on the dollar.
I bought our house for peanuts
actual peanuts.
The guy worked with elephants,
so it made sense.
Then why are you holding
a blouse listed at full price?
Because my days of deal hunting
are over.
I pay retail now.
[Dramatic chord plays]
Retail? [Chuckles]
But that would give businesses
you support a profit.
Don't care.
I now shop exclusively
at the front of the store.
Seriously?
We speed past the front of the store.
There's so many happy people up there.
Smiling, laughing, happy people.
Well, we only seem happy because we are.
But how and why?
And why and how?
Simple. I'm now the top saleswoman
of a high-end French
beauty company called Energé.
- It means
- Dump truck.
- the vitality of youth.
- Exactly.
Wowza. Sales must be good.
They are magnifique, which means
- Magnifying glass.
- magnificent.
- You were close.
- The secondary meaning.
I've never seen
an unslashed price tag before.
It's so crisp.
I never even look at those anymore.
- Oh!
- Mama,
take me to the front
of the store, please.
Never! I mean, we have to go
up there to exit,
but stop poisoning
my baby's mind, Jane Bales.
Fine. Enjoy scraping the
bargain bin for odds and ends.
Au revoir.
And that means "suck it, losers."
Bye.
Damn it! Such a beautiful language.
While my mom was feeling down,
Barry called my dad to say, "What's up?"
- Hey, Dad.
- What's wrong?
Why are you calling? Were you arrested?
What? No, I was just wondering
if I should come over this Sunday.
W-Why? There's no football.
Wait. Is it your mother's birthday?
Whatever you got her, put my name on it.
No, I was just thinking we could
still hang out and chat.
About old football games?
Sure, or whatever.
You're acting weirder
than usual. I gotta go.
And just like that,
it seemed the clock had run out
on Barry's relationship with our dad,
until a Hail Mary
somehow landed in his lap.
REPORTER: Major news today
the NFL owners have decided
to finish the season
with replacement players.
- [Click]
- I trust you heard the news,
and I'm sure we're all thinking
the same thing.
That this is a vicious ploy by the NFL
to undermine labor unions?
No, that I should try out
for the replacement Eagles!
Who better than me?
Someone that's played
organized football before?
So, Barry, you're just gonna
call up the Eagles
and announce you want to play for them?
I already did that,
and they very rudely informed me
they're having open tryouts.
You're really doing this?
And we're just gonna ignore
the potential
life-altering injuries you might suffer?
Shhhh, Matt Bradley.
Men are talking.
Soon, I'll be giving postgame interviews
in just a towel and fending off
sexy sideline reporters.
What a fun bunch of steps to skip!
Well, if nothing else,
your dad will be into it.
I'm doing this solely
for my love of the game.
- Bar
- This has nothing to do
with my father's missing love.
Heisman! Hyah!
Look how fast!
Dad, I'm trying out for the Eagles,
and I want you to train me.
- [Laughs]
- [Laughs]
And what's so funny?
You being trained by Murray?
It's the blind leading
the tragically immobile.
Your father can barely coach
a nacho chip into his mouth.
Look at his shirt.
For your information, Bill,
my dad was a star football
player back in high school.
Did he go to an all-girls school?
[Chuckles] Whoops. That felt sexist.
Uh, God bless women
and their tiny bones.
Oh, I did it again.
Um, ladies good.
I wasn't a star,
but I did do some long snapping.
Are you serious? He was the silent hero
of the interior line's
special teams unit.
And I'm gonna follow in his footsteps.
But I'll be super famous
and will be on the cover
of the first all-male
Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.
No chance. Your mom will kill me.
Mom only hates football because
the helmets hide our faces.
Come on, Murray, the boy has
clearly been dreaming about this
for a couple of hours.
Saying no will destroy his afternoon.
Or possibly ours, when he throws
one of his famous hissy fits.
- Not gonna happen.
- Or maybe Murray won't help
because he actually never played.
[As Murray] I'm Murray Goldberg.
I love TV and chairs.
- [Laughs]
- And everyone's a moron!
Toss me the ball.
- Wait, wait.
- [Normal voice] What?
- What's happening?
- [Chuckles]
And why is he moving?
When I say "go," toss
that pillow across the room.
Oh, my God, he's breaking in half!
- Oh, no, he's just bending over.
- [Laughs]
Go!
[Heroic music plays]
- [Whoosh]
- [Thud]
- Moses in the reeds!
- Was it shot out of a cannon?
Boom! My dad is, and always will be,
a super jock. Right, Dad?
Everybody leave.
You don't want to see me
get out of this.
ADULT ADAM: As my dad
bent over backwards
to prove his friends wrong,
Erica and I were doing
our own problem-solving.
Damn it! Why won't
this stupid thing work?
Probably because
you're hitting it like that.
You got to hit it like this.
With the whackin' book.
Whackin' book?
It fixes more than it breaks.
Fear not, children.
Soon Madame Mama will buy you
hundreds of televisions.
That seems like too many.
And why are you dressed
like Sam Kinison?
This outfit is French.
Energé wants their saleswomen
to represent their le brand.
You joined Jane Bales' company?
More like Beverly Goldberg's company.
That's what they're gonna call it
as soon as I outsell
that screechy scarecrow.
Wait. Does that mean you're no longer
the Quaker Warden at my school?
I am gonna have to scale back
my hours a little bit
so I can bring home
the French Benjamins
AKA francs.
Whatever this is,
you have my full support.
Then go get me all the names
and phone numbers
of your friends' moms
so I can hawk them stuff
until they go broke.
Desperate times. I'll go grab you a pen.
Mom, how much do you really know
about this Energé?
Only that they're
the finest straight-to-market
French beauty company around.
- Why?
- I don't know.
It just seems like most jobs
that involve
getting rich quick are usually scams.
You should be more worried
about the poor saps
I'll be selling to.
[Chuckles] Which reminds me
There's no chance I'm giving you
the numbers of anyone I know.
Then I'll just do it the French way
through la séduction.
As my mom went to make a sale,
Barry was looking to profit
from my dad's football expertise.
[Chuckling] Yeah. Look at this.
Oh, to be young and delusional
about one's athletic ability.
Yep, I'm blessed.
- What's first, Coach Dad?
- Don't call me that.
And I'm not helping you
until you show me
a tiny bit of skill
and a willingness to listen.
I'll show you 10 times that.
- Oh!
- Professional hike!
Oh!
[Groans]
I need that mirror!
How will I merge?
That's it. I'm out.
Coach Dad, please,
give me one more shot.
Oh, come on, Mur.
Throw him a tip or two
and see how he does.
[Chanting] Throw him a tip.
BOTH: Throw him a tip!
- Hey.
- Throw him a tip!
Okay, fine! Get in your stance.
Not like that.
Be like, uh, a dog digging up
sand at the beach.
But dogs aren't allowed on beaches.
It's true, and if you're caught,
it's a hefty fine.
Beaches can be stressful
environments for dogs
the heat, the lack of shade
and noise can trigger all sorts
of unfortunate behavior.
I love our furry friends,
but let's keep beaches fun
and safe for people first.
Enough with the beach report.
Just pretend you're a human
digging like a dog at the beach.
Now, that I can do.
[Heroic music plays]
Tuck in your chin.
Raise up your tailbone.
Close your eyes
and imagine the perfect spiral.
Snap at the belt!
Great Vince Lombardi's ghost!
This is how people felt
watching the moon landing.
It's a massive overstatement,
but it was still surprising.
So, Dad, will you mold me
into a football god
that's a role model
to young kids everywhere?
Even though
that's really a parent's job.
Take it easy, okay?
You had one good snap.
We got a lot of work to do.
[Laughing] Oh! He said "we."
It's happening!
Victory spike!
- Whoo!
- Oh!
Barry was preparing
for his big NFL tryout,
and every moment was
an opportunity to train.
Hey, Bar, toss me a plum.
No, no, no, no, no.
Snap it to him.
You know it, Coach Dad.
Plum comin' in!
Boom!
That's a papaya.
Professional hike!
- [Thud]
- Apple.
Yi!
- [Glass breaks]
- Pear!
Yi!
- [Clatter]
- Tangelo!
You know what might be
a nice lesson, Coach Dad?
The difference between
a banana and a plum.
Thanks to my dad,
Barry was starting to improve.
- Hike!
- And before long
- Hike!
- long-snapping was a snap.
Ow! So cold!
- Whoo!
- [Bleep]
You said we were tasting ice cream!
- Ow!
- Ew!
Mr. Goldberg, you have
the power to stop this!
- Yeah, I do.
- Yep, with football to focus on,
Barry and my dad were
back on solid ground.
Nachos is it a meal, is it a snack?
Either way, it's a great way
to celebrate a child
crossing a labor dispute.
There he is.
I got something I want to give
you before you hit the gridiron.
More hiking knowledge, Coach Dad?
Better than that.
My old butt towel.
I don't know what to say.
Mostly 'cause I don't understand
what that is.
I used to wear this when I played,
to wipe off the ball
before I snapped it,
and I want you to have it.
I'd be honored to wipe a ball
with the towel that's been on your butt.
Don't make a father giving
his son his butt towel weird.
Wow. I've never seen your
old man give a gift to anyone.
It's pretty special.
When I win the Super Bowl,
he'll be the second person I thank,
right after my wife,
Paula Abdul Goldberg.
The person you should be
thanking is the good Lord above
for watching over you and making sure
that you are not
violently killed tomorrow.
But long snapper's one of the
safest positions on the field.
There's no such thing on the
cruel and unforgiving gridiron.
In high school, I got tackled
so hard, I lost three days.
I missed Ann-Margret
on "The Flintstones"
as Ann-Margrock.
Also, my grandmama's funeral.
You see this dent in my skull?
I got that from my time on the turf.
Now I can taste colors
and smell feelings.
[Sniffing]
Sad.
As Vic and Bill spooked my brother
- [Doorbell rings]
- my mom was looking
to scare up a few new customers.
Oh! Judas the Betrayer!
What did you just spray in my face?!
Bon-Bon Boudoir.
It's a skin toner.
I'll put you down for four bottles.
Is the rest of the herd here?
Ladies!
[Singsong voice] I hope
you brought your checkbooks.
[Laughs]
- [Gasps]
- [Normal voice] Jane Bales!
Hello, Beverly.
I've heard that we're co-workers,
which is great,
because every team needs a scrub.
The only thing I'm going
to scrub is the floor,
with my sales numbers.
This is awkward.
Uh, we just bought a whole bunch
of stuff from Jane.
Anyway, gotta run, which I do often.
Hence my exquisite frame.
- [Chuckles]
- Toodles, my poodles.
What the [bleep] [bleep]?!
I was supposed to be the one
to force you
into buying things you don't want!
We know, but then Jane arrived,
and she's so pushy and terrifying.
She said there was a new sheriff
in town, and it's her.
Then she showed us an actual badge.
I think she might be the sheriff.
Are you more scared of her
than you are of me?
Goodness no. No, no.
You frighten the crap out of us.
I once screamed when I thought
I saw your shadow.
Thank goodness it was just
a circus clown in my driveway.
Good. Then I'll put you all down
for our new Rose Petal Body Mist.
Sorry, but I've reached
my spending limit.
Same. I don't want Lou
to give me that unhappy look.
I have a product that'll keep
Lou so happy with your face,
he'll forget all about your body.
What's wrong with our bodies?
Nothing that a super-secret product
that only I have access to won't fix.
- We're not falling for that.
- What is it? Tell me!
I, too, want to hear about
the super-secret product!
May I present Rolé-Polé.
That kind of sounds like "roly-poly."
I don't hear it.
It's a new supplement
designed to help you slim down
without using an ounce of energy.
I don't know, Beverly.
There's an awful lot
of weird ingredients in here.
What's hummingbird extract?
Relax. I wouldn't sell you
anything I wouldn't take myself.
Now, come on, let's all look
years younger together.
[Laughs]
Soon, the French mystery pill
was working.
- Ah.
- Really, really working.
- My fingers are tingly.
- Why is my foot tapping?
It makes you kinda drowsy.
- Oh, wait! Now it's the opposite.
- This may sound crazy,
but who's up
for organizing Ginzy's pantry?!
- Me!
- So in!
You want to see how high I can kick?!
- Yeah!
- Do it again!
- Go!
- Do it!
- Aah!
- And from there,
things only got weirder.
Nothing like a little group speedwalk
to help break up the day.
A run would also feel good.
I'm super cold but sweaty.
Let's run hard.
Linda's just nodding
'cause she can't move her jaw,
but I say yes, too!
While my mom was amped,
Barry wasn't exactly pumped
for his tryout.
Why won't Big Tasty come out?
Because I don't want to die, you idiots!
Do you see the size of these guys?!
Yeah, Bar. Football players are large.
That's kinda what they're known for.
I'm not sure I can go through
with this tryout.
There's my boy.
You came?
You don't come to stuff.
Of course I did, you moron!
We're in this together!
We are in this together.
I mean, it's my body out there,
but I can see how you might have
some interest
in how this all turns out.
Yeah, I do.
Break a leg.
You know, Mur, a week ago,
if you told me that your son
could make the Eagles,
uh, I'd say you were crazy.
- [Whistle blows]
- [Players grunting]
- Ew!
- Oh, my God!
That little guy got bent in ways
no human should bend!
The human elbow's not located there.
- COACH: Next!
- Crap.
[Whistle blows]
It was then Barry realized
he was in too deep.
So, instead of trying out
- Never mind!
- he did this.
- Move, please.
- What's he doing?
- [Whistle blows]
- As Barry was running
from a violent collision
- Good hustle.
- my mom was dealing
with a crash of her own.
Nothing! Who wants to know?!
- You're acting strange.
- Oh.
And are you wearing
the same clothes from yesterday?
Gosh, you're loud.
Why is it so bright in here?
Were you out all night, young lady?
I always wondered what this side
of it felt like,
and it turns out it's as boring
as I thought.
If you must know, I was up
all night closing deals.
Then I did two exercise videos
and read "The Thorn Birds."
That sounds like a lot.
Not when you have
these French wonder vitamins.
They are [smooches] superbe.
Does that mean amphetamines?
This article in today's paper says
that your beauty company
uses speed in its diet pills.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
I feel amazing, and I've barely
eaten or slept in three days.
[Doorbell rings]
Hi! Is your mom in?
We just need
more body-shaping supplements.
You know, for our health?
Uh, Beverly,
your loyal customers are here.
I got cash from the register
at the flower shop.
Yeah, ladies, I don't think
this is a good idea.
Give me more pills now, please!
- No!
- Aaah!
Are you happy now?
I just wanted to make some extra dough,
not turn my gal pals into druggies!
They do look amazing, though.
Mom, when did making money
become so important?
I don't know. Maybe w-when
we saw Jane Bales at Gimbels.
So, this is all because you're jealous
that she shops
in the front of the store?
I'm not jealous that she pays retail.
I'm jealous
that she's got her own money.
I'm jealous
that she doesn't have to worry
about spending her husband's.
And I'm jealous of the way
you were looking at her.
- Mom
- Exactly.
I'm a mom.
More than anything,
a mom who wants to be
a role model for her daughter.
Instead, I'm just a drug dealer.
[Knock on door]
Open the freakin' door now!
My mom was ready to give up
her dream of financial freedom,
but not before Erica
could make a big sale.
Mom, if you have a minute,
I would like to pitch you
a new product
that will change your life.
- [Sighs]
- Wow! That sounds like a tall order.
Tell us more.
May I present
the Bever-lé.
It looks amazing.
What does the Bever-lé do?
Well, the real question is,
what doesn't she do?
She runs a household,
she works at a school,
and she cares
for three ungrateful children.
They look terrible!
Except for the young one.
He's got a Harrison Ford quality.
Stick to the script, or I will hurt you.
B Clearly, the Bever-lé
must have help.
You would think so,
but this is her life partner.
She accomplished all that tied
to a human anchor in a La-Z-Boy?
What's the catch?
Well, there is one thing.
Sometimes the Bever-lé
is prone to questioning
whether or not she sets
a good example for her daughter.
If that happens, what do you do?
Well, you assure her that
you can't think of a stronger,
more caring,
often terrifying role model
to aspire to,
regardless of how much money she makes.
[Crying] I'm the richest woman
in the world!
All of this can be had
for 10 easy payments of
She's crying, Adam. We're done.
Oh! That was the greatest
sales presentation ever.
It's easy when you believe
in the product.
You know, um, I still have
some drug money to unload.
What do you say we go buy you
some new clothes
at full price.
Hey!
You drove away before we could talk.
I brought shame on the family
like a disgraced samurai.
And if I hadn't broken my sword
last year
attacking that anthill,
I would've done the honorable thing.
Okay. [Sighs]
So, you're not a replacement Eagle.
There's no shame in not wanting
your head knocked off.
So, you're not disappointed?
Are you kidding?
I had a blast teaching you
my old snapping tricks.
I guess I'm just worried,
without football,
we have nothing in common.
Barry, we have everything in common.
You're my kid.
So, you'd want to hang out,
even when there's no game on?
I love the Eagles
but my true joy is you.
So, what do you want to talk about?
I don't know.
I Anything, everything.
What are you interested in?
[Sighs] Nunchucks,
the vocal stylings of Big Daddy Kane.
[Chuckles] I melted
a Nerf Ball with a blowtorch.
- We'll find something.
- Oh, oh
Sure, it can be hard
to find common ground
- with the people we love.
- I wanna be with you everywhere
It's not visible to the naked eye,
but this skirt has irregular stitching.
- Oh, oh
- I'll get the manager.
But sometimes the things
that drive us nuts
You embarrassed of me?
Always.
are also what makes them special.
What ya doin' today?
Whole lot of nothin'.
Maybe I'll stop by.
We can do nothin' together.
- Sounds good to me.
- Oh, oh
In the end, if we tackle
life's biggest challenges together,
there's no way we can lose.
ADAM: Mom's putting on her makeup.
The finesse.
- The curl on the lip.
- [Laughs]
Dad, hurry, it's almost kickoff!
[Sighs] Maybe I should have tried out.
Probably for the best.
I've had a headache for 36 years.
Oh, [scoffs] that's nothin'.
I can turn this foot all the way
around like an owl's head.
I got hit so hard on a crossing route,
I was legally dead for 3 minutes.
Try 5.
I saw my granny on a cloud.
She told me to rub some dirt on it
and then go block somebody.
I took a helmet to the stomach so hard,
I no longer have a belly button.
I don't have any toes.
This isn't baldness.
I got the hair tackled
right off of my head.
- [Gasps]
- Why do they let anyone play this game?
- 'Cause it's the best.
- So many good memories. I love it.
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
my dad and Barry shared a love
- of Philly sports teams
- ALL: Oh!
- especially the Eagles
- Yes!
though you wouldn't always
know it by the way they talked.
The Eagles are a giant steaming
pile of crap.
They need to fire the coach, G.M.,
and the guy who carts off the
players after they get injured.
Could he drive any slower?
It's a shame a pig had to die for this.
I hate my team so much!
What time should I come over
to watch the game on Sunday?
The preshow starts at 10:00.
- Don't be late.
- Okay.
And nothing mattered more than beating
my dad's best friend's team,
the hated Cowboys.
Lord in the sky, if he misses this kick,
I promise to live a just and pious life.
Except on my birthday.
And those evenings
when the Asti Spumante
hits Dolores just right.
Okay-kay-kay, let's lock arms
to help him aim.
Come on. Come on.
[Crowd cheers]
- Yeah!
- Oho-ho! Yeah!
- All right!
- Never doubted it!
- All right!
- This is on you, big fella.
I'm converting to whatever Murray is.
Whatever you do, Bill,
don't come crying to us.
I appreciate your concern,
but I only allow myself
one good cry a year,
and I wasted it on the death
of my father.
Hello?
Yes, there is a Losery Loser
from Loserville here.
[Laughs] It's for you, Bill.
Unlike the majestic eagle
for which your team is named,
you are not an honorable creature!
Good day!
- [Chuckles]
- We did it. We're 3 and 7.
Not mathematically eliminated yet.
Whoo-hoo!
Yep, the Eagles brought
my dad and Barry together.
Until the following season,
when the unthinkable happened.
Everyone, shut up!
I have an announcement
of international importance!
Barry, what is it? What's wrong?
Let me catch my breath.
I ran here from my car.
And you had to go up three steps.
Oh! Pins and needles!
Throw out that water. Bring your
brother some Hawaiian Punch.
No, this is my special water.
- Bar, what is it?
- I just heard a terrible rumor
that NFL players are going on strike.
It's not a rumor, moron.
This is the single most terrible
thing that's ever happened!
I was born in a wagon
and didn't see a dentist
till I was 20, but sure.
Darling, I can tell you're upset.
Come over here.
Let me nuzzle you
and sing the calm-down song.
If you need me, I'll be in my room,
punching and kicking
my treasured possessions.
But it's just a stupid game.
- [Suspenseful music plays]
- What did you just say?
You can't hurt me! Mom's here.
I can't help you. He's too upset.
- Run, Schmoopie, run!
- [Roars]
- Whoa!
- Aah!
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was March 31st, 1980-something,
and my mom was playing
her favorite sport
haggling with salespeople.
So listen up, Deb.
You're gonna take this coupon,
apply it to the existing discount,
then hand me the sweater plus $15.
I'm getting the manager.
Great. Go get Gerald.
[Chuckles]
It'll give me time to get mad.
Can we go?
I still have to exist in this society
even when you're not around.
Erica, I will not pay a dollar
more than the $4
that I've already paid for
that giant bag of new clothes.
Yep, my mom's bargaining
ability had no equal,
with one exception.
Beverly Goldberg?
Oh, as I live and breathe.
Well, unfortunately, you still do.
[Laughs]
Hello, Jane Bales.
If you're wondering
why the sales rack is empty,
it's because this vulture
already picked it clean.
Show her.
Oh, please.
I can get anything on sale I want.
I once made Chanel honor
a McDonald's gift certificate.
Well, I once forced my way into
Filene's Basement's basement.
[Chuckles] It was filled
with industrial
air-conditioning equipment,
which I bought for pennies
on the dollar.
I bought our house for peanuts
actual peanuts.
The guy worked with elephants,
so it made sense.
Then why are you holding
a blouse listed at full price?
Because my days of deal hunting
are over.
I pay retail now.
[Dramatic chord plays]
Retail? [Chuckles]
But that would give businesses
you support a profit.
Don't care.
I now shop exclusively
at the front of the store.
Seriously?
We speed past the front of the store.
There's so many happy people up there.
Smiling, laughing, happy people.
Well, we only seem happy because we are.
But how and why?
And why and how?
Simple. I'm now the top saleswoman
of a high-end French
beauty company called Energé.
- It means
- Dump truck.
- the vitality of youth.
- Exactly.
Wowza. Sales must be good.
They are magnifique, which means
- Magnifying glass.
- magnificent.
- You were close.
- The secondary meaning.
I've never seen
an unslashed price tag before.
It's so crisp.
I never even look at those anymore.
- Oh!
- Mama,
take me to the front
of the store, please.
Never! I mean, we have to go
up there to exit,
but stop poisoning
my baby's mind, Jane Bales.
Fine. Enjoy scraping the
bargain bin for odds and ends.
Au revoir.
And that means "suck it, losers."
Bye.
Damn it! Such a beautiful language.
While my mom was feeling down,
Barry called my dad to say, "What's up?"
- Hey, Dad.
- What's wrong?
Why are you calling? Were you arrested?
What? No, I was just wondering
if I should come over this Sunday.
W-Why? There's no football.
Wait. Is it your mother's birthday?
Whatever you got her, put my name on it.
No, I was just thinking we could
still hang out and chat.
About old football games?
Sure, or whatever.
You're acting weirder
than usual. I gotta go.
And just like that,
it seemed the clock had run out
on Barry's relationship with our dad,
until a Hail Mary
somehow landed in his lap.
REPORTER: Major news today
the NFL owners have decided
to finish the season
with replacement players.
- [Click]
- I trust you heard the news,
and I'm sure we're all thinking
the same thing.
That this is a vicious ploy by the NFL
to undermine labor unions?
No, that I should try out
for the replacement Eagles!
Who better than me?
Someone that's played
organized football before?
So, Barry, you're just gonna
call up the Eagles
and announce you want to play for them?
I already did that,
and they very rudely informed me
they're having open tryouts.
You're really doing this?
And we're just gonna ignore
the potential
life-altering injuries you might suffer?
Shhhh, Matt Bradley.
Men are talking.
Soon, I'll be giving postgame interviews
in just a towel and fending off
sexy sideline reporters.
What a fun bunch of steps to skip!
Well, if nothing else,
your dad will be into it.
I'm doing this solely
for my love of the game.
- Bar
- This has nothing to do
with my father's missing love.
Heisman! Hyah!
Look how fast!
Dad, I'm trying out for the Eagles,
and I want you to train me.
- [Laughs]
- [Laughs]
And what's so funny?
You being trained by Murray?
It's the blind leading
the tragically immobile.
Your father can barely coach
a nacho chip into his mouth.
Look at his shirt.
For your information, Bill,
my dad was a star football
player back in high school.
Did he go to an all-girls school?
[Chuckles] Whoops. That felt sexist.
Uh, God bless women
and their tiny bones.
Oh, I did it again.
Um, ladies good.
I wasn't a star,
but I did do some long snapping.
Are you serious? He was the silent hero
of the interior line's
special teams unit.
And I'm gonna follow in his footsteps.
But I'll be super famous
and will be on the cover
of the first all-male
Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.
No chance. Your mom will kill me.
Mom only hates football because
the helmets hide our faces.
Come on, Murray, the boy has
clearly been dreaming about this
for a couple of hours.
Saying no will destroy his afternoon.
Or possibly ours, when he throws
one of his famous hissy fits.
- Not gonna happen.
- Or maybe Murray won't help
because he actually never played.
[As Murray] I'm Murray Goldberg.
I love TV and chairs.
- [Laughs]
- And everyone's a moron!
Toss me the ball.
- Wait, wait.
- [Normal voice] What?
- What's happening?
- [Chuckles]
And why is he moving?
When I say "go," toss
that pillow across the room.
Oh, my God, he's breaking in half!
- Oh, no, he's just bending over.
- [Laughs]
Go!
[Heroic music plays]
- [Whoosh]
- [Thud]
- Moses in the reeds!
- Was it shot out of a cannon?
Boom! My dad is, and always will be,
a super jock. Right, Dad?
Everybody leave.
You don't want to see me
get out of this.
ADULT ADAM: As my dad
bent over backwards
to prove his friends wrong,
Erica and I were doing
our own problem-solving.
Damn it! Why won't
this stupid thing work?
Probably because
you're hitting it like that.
You got to hit it like this.
With the whackin' book.
Whackin' book?
It fixes more than it breaks.
Fear not, children.
Soon Madame Mama will buy you
hundreds of televisions.
That seems like too many.
And why are you dressed
like Sam Kinison?
This outfit is French.
Energé wants their saleswomen
to represent their le brand.
You joined Jane Bales' company?
More like Beverly Goldberg's company.
That's what they're gonna call it
as soon as I outsell
that screechy scarecrow.
Wait. Does that mean you're no longer
the Quaker Warden at my school?
I am gonna have to scale back
my hours a little bit
so I can bring home
the French Benjamins
AKA francs.
Whatever this is,
you have my full support.
Then go get me all the names
and phone numbers
of your friends' moms
so I can hawk them stuff
until they go broke.
Desperate times. I'll go grab you a pen.
Mom, how much do you really know
about this Energé?
Only that they're
the finest straight-to-market
French beauty company around.
- Why?
- I don't know.
It just seems like most jobs
that involve
getting rich quick are usually scams.
You should be more worried
about the poor saps
I'll be selling to.
[Chuckles] Which reminds me
There's no chance I'm giving you
the numbers of anyone I know.
Then I'll just do it the French way
through la séduction.
As my mom went to make a sale,
Barry was looking to profit
from my dad's football expertise.
[Chuckling] Yeah. Look at this.
Oh, to be young and delusional
about one's athletic ability.
Yep, I'm blessed.
- What's first, Coach Dad?
- Don't call me that.
And I'm not helping you
until you show me
a tiny bit of skill
and a willingness to listen.
I'll show you 10 times that.
- Oh!
- Professional hike!
Oh!
[Groans]
I need that mirror!
How will I merge?
That's it. I'm out.
Coach Dad, please,
give me one more shot.
Oh, come on, Mur.
Throw him a tip or two
and see how he does.
[Chanting] Throw him a tip.
BOTH: Throw him a tip!
- Hey.
- Throw him a tip!
Okay, fine! Get in your stance.
Not like that.
Be like, uh, a dog digging up
sand at the beach.
But dogs aren't allowed on beaches.
It's true, and if you're caught,
it's a hefty fine.
Beaches can be stressful
environments for dogs
the heat, the lack of shade
and noise can trigger all sorts
of unfortunate behavior.
I love our furry friends,
but let's keep beaches fun
and safe for people first.
Enough with the beach report.
Just pretend you're a human
digging like a dog at the beach.
Now, that I can do.
[Heroic music plays]
Tuck in your chin.
Raise up your tailbone.
Close your eyes
and imagine the perfect spiral.
Snap at the belt!
Great Vince Lombardi's ghost!
This is how people felt
watching the moon landing.
It's a massive overstatement,
but it was still surprising.
So, Dad, will you mold me
into a football god
that's a role model
to young kids everywhere?
Even though
that's really a parent's job.
Take it easy, okay?
You had one good snap.
We got a lot of work to do.
[Laughing] Oh! He said "we."
It's happening!
Victory spike!
- Whoo!
- Oh!
Barry was preparing
for his big NFL tryout,
and every moment was
an opportunity to train.
Hey, Bar, toss me a plum.
No, no, no, no, no.
Snap it to him.
You know it, Coach Dad.
Plum comin' in!
Boom!
That's a papaya.
Professional hike!
- [Thud]
- Apple.
Yi!
- [Glass breaks]
- Pear!
Yi!
- [Clatter]
- Tangelo!
You know what might be
a nice lesson, Coach Dad?
The difference between
a banana and a plum.
Thanks to my dad,
Barry was starting to improve.
- Hike!
- And before long
- Hike!
- long-snapping was a snap.
Ow! So cold!
- Whoo!
- [Bleep]
You said we were tasting ice cream!
- Ow!
- Ew!
Mr. Goldberg, you have
the power to stop this!
- Yeah, I do.
- Yep, with football to focus on,
Barry and my dad were
back on solid ground.
Nachos is it a meal, is it a snack?
Either way, it's a great way
to celebrate a child
crossing a labor dispute.
There he is.
I got something I want to give
you before you hit the gridiron.
More hiking knowledge, Coach Dad?
Better than that.
My old butt towel.
I don't know what to say.
Mostly 'cause I don't understand
what that is.
I used to wear this when I played,
to wipe off the ball
before I snapped it,
and I want you to have it.
I'd be honored to wipe a ball
with the towel that's been on your butt.
Don't make a father giving
his son his butt towel weird.
Wow. I've never seen your
old man give a gift to anyone.
It's pretty special.
When I win the Super Bowl,
he'll be the second person I thank,
right after my wife,
Paula Abdul Goldberg.
The person you should be
thanking is the good Lord above
for watching over you and making sure
that you are not
violently killed tomorrow.
But long snapper's one of the
safest positions on the field.
There's no such thing on the
cruel and unforgiving gridiron.
In high school, I got tackled
so hard, I lost three days.
I missed Ann-Margret
on "The Flintstones"
as Ann-Margrock.
Also, my grandmama's funeral.
You see this dent in my skull?
I got that from my time on the turf.
Now I can taste colors
and smell feelings.
[Sniffing]
Sad.
As Vic and Bill spooked my brother
- [Doorbell rings]
- my mom was looking
to scare up a few new customers.
Oh! Judas the Betrayer!
What did you just spray in my face?!
Bon-Bon Boudoir.
It's a skin toner.
I'll put you down for four bottles.
Is the rest of the herd here?
Ladies!
[Singsong voice] I hope
you brought your checkbooks.
[Laughs]
- [Gasps]
- [Normal voice] Jane Bales!
Hello, Beverly.
I've heard that we're co-workers,
which is great,
because every team needs a scrub.
The only thing I'm going
to scrub is the floor,
with my sales numbers.
This is awkward.
Uh, we just bought a whole bunch
of stuff from Jane.
Anyway, gotta run, which I do often.
Hence my exquisite frame.
- [Chuckles]
- Toodles, my poodles.
What the [bleep] [bleep]?!
I was supposed to be the one
to force you
into buying things you don't want!
We know, but then Jane arrived,
and she's so pushy and terrifying.
She said there was a new sheriff
in town, and it's her.
Then she showed us an actual badge.
I think she might be the sheriff.
Are you more scared of her
than you are of me?
Goodness no. No, no.
You frighten the crap out of us.
I once screamed when I thought
I saw your shadow.
Thank goodness it was just
a circus clown in my driveway.
Good. Then I'll put you all down
for our new Rose Petal Body Mist.
Sorry, but I've reached
my spending limit.
Same. I don't want Lou
to give me that unhappy look.
I have a product that'll keep
Lou so happy with your face,
he'll forget all about your body.
What's wrong with our bodies?
Nothing that a super-secret product
that only I have access to won't fix.
- We're not falling for that.
- What is it? Tell me!
I, too, want to hear about
the super-secret product!
May I present Rolé-Polé.
That kind of sounds like "roly-poly."
I don't hear it.
It's a new supplement
designed to help you slim down
without using an ounce of energy.
I don't know, Beverly.
There's an awful lot
of weird ingredients in here.
What's hummingbird extract?
Relax. I wouldn't sell you
anything I wouldn't take myself.
Now, come on, let's all look
years younger together.
[Laughs]
Soon, the French mystery pill
was working.
- Ah.
- Really, really working.
- My fingers are tingly.
- Why is my foot tapping?
It makes you kinda drowsy.
- Oh, wait! Now it's the opposite.
- This may sound crazy,
but who's up
for organizing Ginzy's pantry?!
- Me!
- So in!
You want to see how high I can kick?!
- Yeah!
- Do it again!
- Go!
- Do it!
- Aah!
- And from there,
things only got weirder.
Nothing like a little group speedwalk
to help break up the day.
A run would also feel good.
I'm super cold but sweaty.
Let's run hard.
Linda's just nodding
'cause she can't move her jaw,
but I say yes, too!
While my mom was amped,
Barry wasn't exactly pumped
for his tryout.
Why won't Big Tasty come out?
Because I don't want to die, you idiots!
Do you see the size of these guys?!
Yeah, Bar. Football players are large.
That's kinda what they're known for.
I'm not sure I can go through
with this tryout.
There's my boy.
You came?
You don't come to stuff.
Of course I did, you moron!
We're in this together!
We are in this together.
I mean, it's my body out there,
but I can see how you might have
some interest
in how this all turns out.
Yeah, I do.
Break a leg.
You know, Mur, a week ago,
if you told me that your son
could make the Eagles,
uh, I'd say you were crazy.
- [Whistle blows]
- [Players grunting]
- Ew!
- Oh, my God!
That little guy got bent in ways
no human should bend!
The human elbow's not located there.
- COACH: Next!
- Crap.
[Whistle blows]
It was then Barry realized
he was in too deep.
So, instead of trying out
- Never mind!
- he did this.
- Move, please.
- What's he doing?
- [Whistle blows]
- As Barry was running
from a violent collision
- Good hustle.
- my mom was dealing
with a crash of her own.
Nothing! Who wants to know?!
- You're acting strange.
- Oh.
And are you wearing
the same clothes from yesterday?
Gosh, you're loud.
Why is it so bright in here?
Were you out all night, young lady?
I always wondered what this side
of it felt like,
and it turns out it's as boring
as I thought.
If you must know, I was up
all night closing deals.
Then I did two exercise videos
and read "The Thorn Birds."
That sounds like a lot.
Not when you have
these French wonder vitamins.
They are [smooches] superbe.
Does that mean amphetamines?
This article in today's paper says
that your beauty company
uses speed in its diet pills.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
I feel amazing, and I've barely
eaten or slept in three days.
[Doorbell rings]
Hi! Is your mom in?
We just need
more body-shaping supplements.
You know, for our health?
Uh, Beverly,
your loyal customers are here.
I got cash from the register
at the flower shop.
Yeah, ladies, I don't think
this is a good idea.
Give me more pills now, please!
- No!
- Aaah!
Are you happy now?
I just wanted to make some extra dough,
not turn my gal pals into druggies!
They do look amazing, though.
Mom, when did making money
become so important?
I don't know. Maybe w-when
we saw Jane Bales at Gimbels.
So, this is all because you're jealous
that she shops
in the front of the store?
I'm not jealous that she pays retail.
I'm jealous
that she's got her own money.
I'm jealous
that she doesn't have to worry
about spending her husband's.
And I'm jealous of the way
you were looking at her.
- Mom
- Exactly.
I'm a mom.
More than anything,
a mom who wants to be
a role model for her daughter.
Instead, I'm just a drug dealer.
[Knock on door]
Open the freakin' door now!
My mom was ready to give up
her dream of financial freedom,
but not before Erica
could make a big sale.
Mom, if you have a minute,
I would like to pitch you
a new product
that will change your life.
- [Sighs]
- Wow! That sounds like a tall order.
Tell us more.
May I present
the Bever-lé.
It looks amazing.
What does the Bever-lé do?
Well, the real question is,
what doesn't she do?
She runs a household,
she works at a school,
and she cares
for three ungrateful children.
They look terrible!
Except for the young one.
He's got a Harrison Ford quality.
Stick to the script, or I will hurt you.
B Clearly, the Bever-lé
must have help.
You would think so,
but this is her life partner.
She accomplished all that tied
to a human anchor in a La-Z-Boy?
What's the catch?
Well, there is one thing.
Sometimes the Bever-lé
is prone to questioning
whether or not she sets
a good example for her daughter.
If that happens, what do you do?
Well, you assure her that
you can't think of a stronger,
more caring,
often terrifying role model
to aspire to,
regardless of how much money she makes.
[Crying] I'm the richest woman
in the world!
All of this can be had
for 10 easy payments of
She's crying, Adam. We're done.
Oh! That was the greatest
sales presentation ever.
It's easy when you believe
in the product.
You know, um, I still have
some drug money to unload.
What do you say we go buy you
some new clothes
at full price.
Hey!
You drove away before we could talk.
I brought shame on the family
like a disgraced samurai.
And if I hadn't broken my sword
last year
attacking that anthill,
I would've done the honorable thing.
Okay. [Sighs]
So, you're not a replacement Eagle.
There's no shame in not wanting
your head knocked off.
So, you're not disappointed?
Are you kidding?
I had a blast teaching you
my old snapping tricks.
I guess I'm just worried,
without football,
we have nothing in common.
Barry, we have everything in common.
You're my kid.
So, you'd want to hang out,
even when there's no game on?
I love the Eagles
but my true joy is you.
So, what do you want to talk about?
I don't know.
I Anything, everything.
What are you interested in?
[Sighs] Nunchucks,
the vocal stylings of Big Daddy Kane.
[Chuckles] I melted
a Nerf Ball with a blowtorch.
- We'll find something.
- Oh, oh
Sure, it can be hard
to find common ground
- with the people we love.
- I wanna be with you everywhere
It's not visible to the naked eye,
but this skirt has irregular stitching.
- Oh, oh
- I'll get the manager.
But sometimes the things
that drive us nuts
You embarrassed of me?
Always.
are also what makes them special.
What ya doin' today?
Whole lot of nothin'.
Maybe I'll stop by.
We can do nothin' together.
- Sounds good to me.
- Oh, oh
In the end, if we tackle
life's biggest challenges together,
there's no way we can lose.
ADAM: Mom's putting on her makeup.
The finesse.
- The curl on the lip.
- [Laughs]
Dad, hurry, it's almost kickoff!
[Sighs] Maybe I should have tried out.
Probably for the best.
I've had a headache for 36 years.
Oh, [scoffs] that's nothin'.
I can turn this foot all the way
around like an owl's head.
I got hit so hard on a crossing route,
I was legally dead for 3 minutes.
Try 5.
I saw my granny on a cloud.
She told me to rub some dirt on it
and then go block somebody.
I took a helmet to the stomach so hard,
I no longer have a belly button.
I don't have any toes.
This isn't baldness.
I got the hair tackled
right off of my head.
- [Gasps]
- Why do they let anyone play this game?
- 'Cause it's the best.
- So many good memories. I love it.