The Neighborhood (2018) s08e16 Episode Script

1
- Gemma, I think you're good.
- I'm gonna hit it.
- I would just go straight on back.
- No, no, I'm gonna hit it.
- Dave, I'm gonna hit it.
- You're not gonna hit it.
GEMMA: I'm gonna hit it.
- Did this jerk park you in again?
- Ugh.
When I find out who he is,
he is gonna be sorry.
Oh, yes, he is.
You know, this is cause
for an ass-whupping.
Now, now, we don't know
what he's going through.
Maybe there was an emergency.
- Maybe his wife is giving birth.
- GEMMA: Oh.
Where, Dave? In your yard?
And he parked here yesterday, too.
- Hmm.
- It's fine.
I left a terse note on his windshield.
I can't understand
why you are not furious.
'Cause if I left him a note,
it would say,
"Sorry for smashing out
all your windows!"
Calvin, can you help me
get out of here?
- Okay, yeah.
- Excuse me, I'm right here.
(GROANS)
Okay, no, you know what?
You probably need to
straighten it out
just a little bit first,
and then, and then cut it.
- No, no, no, cut it to your left.
- Cut it which way?
- To your left, Gemma. Go left-left.
- I would cut it to your right.
No, do not cut it to your right.
- Don't listen to me.
- You don't know what you're talking about.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Hey, Dad.
Do you know where
my birth certificate is?
Oh, sure. Look in the glove box.
- Thanks. (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah.
Oh, no, it's not!
Marty, I haven't seen
your birth certificate
since your mother
signed my name on it.
Uh, that tracks,
but Courtney and I need it
to get our marriage license.
Aw, don't worry, Marty.
Of course I've got it,
- but I'm gonna need it back.
- Why?
'Cause you'll lose it.
Mama, I'm about to be
a whole husband, okay?
You know what, Marty? You're right.
After the wedding,
I'll give it to your wife.
Come on, babe, that's ridiculous.
Is it? Okay.
Well, Calvin,
where's your birth certificate?
I don't know. You have it.
Mm.
See what I'm saying?
I know I don't say this enough
(PANTING)
- but I love you.
- Okay, okay.
David, you say it all the time.
Ah, Gemma.
- Oh, Dave. Are you okay?
- Yes.
I'm alive. Oh, Calvin.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What the hell is going on?
I was running down Marengo,
w-working on my six-minute mile,
when out of nowhere, one of
those food delivery robots
came careening down the sidewalk,
totally out of control.
(SIGHS) I had to leap out of the way
and almost stumbled into traffic.
But you're okay?
Well, yes, thanks
to my catlike reflexes.
Oh, my God, and now I smell like you.
But as I lay there,
looking into the light
- Okay.
- What is he looking at?
Okay.
I realized I almost made you a widow.
Grover, a half an orphan.
Is that the robot?
Oh, dear God.
It's coming back to finish me off!
Is this what?
- Uh, s I'm-I'm sorry!
- Really? - Oh, really, Marty?
I'm-I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Dave.
Okay? I had a hankering
for chilaquiles.
Where is my churro?
- Age?
- 43.
- Height?
- Six-one.
Six foot.
Five-11, final offer.
Sir, this is not for a dating app.
I just work for the insurance company.
Dave, I know yesterday was traumatic,
but we already have life insurance.
But you can never have enough.
Look, you don't realize
how fragile life is
until you're almost killed
by a Decepticon.
It was a rolling cooler full of tacos.
Regardless, I just want
to make sure that, God forbid,
something happened to me,
that you and Grover are taken care of.
Dave, stop. I hate thinking
about life without you.
You have to be prepared.
And just promise me
that you won't mourn forever.
Join a widows' grief support group.
You know, move on.
Enjoy life.
You know, maybe even meet someone.
Wh Oh, God. I can't imagine that.
I wouldn't even be able to think
about dating for a year or two.
- A year?
- Or two.
Or five.
No. No, no, no. You know what?
I'm sorry. It's what I want for you.
You know, maybe you and your
widow friends plan a vacation.
Go to, say, Greece.
Hit up the clubs in Mykonos,
you meet a DJ named Stavros.
(CHUCKLES) He doesn't speak
much English, but,
God knows, he doesn't have to,
not with that jawline.
So you're telling me
we've had this stuff
under our bed for 30 years?
(SIGHS) Just keep looking.
The birth certificates
are in one of these.
(SIGHS) Come on. Tina, really?
- Macaroni art.
- Oh, let me see.
- A kindergarten graduation cap.
- Aw.
Look at this.
You know, you got a
whole box of hand turkeys.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh.
- (SCOFFS)
But you gonna throw away
my Jet "Beauty of the Weeks."
My Jayne Kennedy.
O-Okay, uh, here we go.
These are report cards. Ah.
- Here go the birth certificates right here.
- Yes.
There we go. (LAUGHS)
What's this little envelope?
What are these?
Aw, that's their baby teeth.
What?
And you kept them? Why?
'Cause I just like
to look at them sometimes.
When?
Just put 'em back
in the envelope, Calvin!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Tina, you know what?
Enough is enough.
All right, they're grown men.
Let's just get rid of all this stuff.
No, I can't throw
their baby teeth away.
You know what? I'll just
put them under the bed.
No, you won't.
I ain't sleeping on no damn teeth.
Sorry about the urine sample.
You sure it's enough?
It's fine.
(SIGHS) It's so weird.
You know, at the movies,
I have to go, like, five times.
(STAMMERS) Gemma,
tell her, at the movies,
- how many
- Dave, she said it's fine.
- (TABLET CHIMES)
- Blood pressure 155/90.
What? That's high, right?
Yeah, that's pretty high.
Hold on, this makes no sense.
It's impossible.
Well, hold on.
Look. Look, I mean
I'm in good shape. I mean (SIGHS)
Sure, I can't always
make urine on demand,
but
Dave, calm down. We'll figure it out.
No. (SIGHS) Look, I-I don't smoke.
I never used drugs.
I mean, there was
that one Fourth of July
that I did snort Pop Rocks,
but that's it.
Hey, Calvin.
Dave.
I see that guy has your driveway
blocked in again.
Can't believe your little note
didn't scare him straight.
It might be my fault.
You know, he's probably a young guy.
I don't think they read cursive.
You know, and he moved
your garbage cans
to make room for himself.
You never touch another man's cans.
Look. (SIGHS)
It's not worth getting upset about.
- (MONITOR BEEPS)
- Aw, gosh darn it.
What's that?
It's my wearable
blood pressure monitor.
I'm trying to lower my blood pressure
or I'm gonna pay through
the nose for life insurance.
You know (SIGHS)
I'm doing everything I can.
I eat right. Exercise.
I sleep well. I take two naps a day.
(STAMMERS) You know,
maybe I eat too much kale.
I don't know what to tell you, Dave.
My blood pressure's always normal.
- So jealous.
- (STAMMERS)
I mean, you can't
compare yourself to me.
I grew up in the '70s.
We grew up tough.
No helmets. No seat belts.
No allergies.
Pretty sure people in the '70s
had allergies.
I didn't know any of them.
Calvin said I should
get rid of this stuff,
but it's really hard.
(SIGHS) I've been there.
It almost killed me last year
when I finally got rid of
Grover's light-up potty.
He's 14.
You have a bag of Malcolm's hair.
- Ooh, it was so curly. (LAUGHS)
- (GROANS)
But once you do it, you'll feel
so good about yourself.
- Yeah.
- Trust me.
Like, what is this?
Oh, Malcolm made this for me
for Mother's Day.
But what is it?
It's a
It's a paperweight.
- There's two of them.
- Then they're bookends, Gemma.
Okay.
Hey, Mama.
Oh, good. My babies are here.
Okay, I've got
your birth certificates,
your Social Security cards
and your passports.
- Aw, thank you, Ma.
- Also,
all of this is all yours now.
- Oh.
- Oh. Okay, uh
- What is that, finger paintings?
- Mm.
Yeah, we don't need any of that
stuff. You can just toss it.
- So, you want me to die?
- No.
This is your childhood.
Well, no, come on, Mama, a-a place mat
from Gravy Jack's
is not our childhood.
Aw. Look, you did the maze.
Oh. Tina, honey.
That is garbage.
Oh, my God,
there's, like, ten of them.
Oh, man, remember these?
- What? Muchigon cards?
- (CHUCKLES)
We used to get so excited about these.
Yeah, and now you're excited
to throw them out.
Oh, man, Vampirax.
Wereturtle. Pterodactyclops?
That's the one
I got sent to detention for
because I was showing my friends
in social studies.
Ah, in your defense,
it was incredibly rare.
Well, I couldn't believe I had one.
(NASALLY): Wow, Marty, that's so cool.
A one-eyed dino-bird card
that proves you're a virgin.
(LAUGHS)
Dave, the point of our team
meetings isn't to socialize.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Okay, but all I did was ask
that Brian guy how his weekend was.
That's an invasion of privacy.
It's giving ick.
I-I'm sorry, "ick"?
Wh-What is, what is "ick"
and how can it be given?
Now you're crossing into cringe.
- Hey, Dave.
- Oh.
- Check it out.
- Uh
Calvin, I'm in a meeting.
With who? One of Grover's friends?
DAVE: It's my boss.
Please uh, one second, Josh.
- What is so important?
- Oh. I just wanted to give you this.
- What did you do?
- You know the guy
that's been blocking your driveway?
I sent him a message.
Now, I couldn't get the bumper
all the way off, but it's hanging.
Calvin, you cannot just
you know, hold on.
Josh? Hey, uh, I'm so sorry.
But I get it. No more niceties.
I'm gonna bottom-line it:
if you could speak a lot less,
that would be awesome.
Uh
Josh, what I don't think
you understand is
Dave.
Dude. Remember what we talked about.
Lose the ick.
Lose the cringe.
Josh out.
What just happened, man?
Look, Calvin (SIGHS)
It's just the way
my boss is, okay? It's
It's not a big deal.
It is a big deal.
You can't let Nickelodeon
talk to you that way.
(MONITOR BEEPING)
See? That's why
your blood pressure is high.
You're holding in your rage.
I have nothing to rage about, Calvin.
See? It's that.
That thing right there
that you do with your neck.
What thing I do with my neck?
This thing that you do,
like a hungry baby bird.
You do it every time
you say you're not angry
when I know damn well that you are.
Calvin, wh-what do I have
to be angry about?
What don't you have to be angry about?
You lost your job,
you're working for Boss Baby.
You got your ass whupped
by a taco-bot.
Calvin, it's not that bad.
David, your life sucks right now, man.
Come on. Your life is trash.
And if you don't let that anger out
- (MONITOR BEEPING)
- people gonna start dancing
to that beat all the way to Funkytown.
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
- Mama
- Gemm
Gemma, you're not even looking.
Tina, you are gonna feel so good
when this is gone.
(MOANS)
Malcolm.
Uh, come look at this.
This this Pterodactyclops
is a first-edition platinum
diamond refractor card.
So?
So, it's worth $5,000.
What? You're kidding me.
For a piece of cardboard?
A very rare piece of cardboard.
Okay? Looks like it's my lucky day.
(LAUGHS)
Yours?
I bought that card. (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES)
Uh, you may have bought
the card, dear brother,
but if you remember,
when you started to care about
things like girls and sports,
you gave all your cards, uh, to me.
I believe I said that you
could play with them,
not that you could have them,
dear brother.
Ah. (STRAINED LAUGH) Well
Uh, so, you do admit
that you gave them to me.
Yes, but you never claimed dibs.
Dibs were implied!
The only thing you get dibs on
is being a dork!
Hey, hey, hey!
I cannot believe you guys are arguing
over some little stupid monster card.
Uh, my stupid monster card.
And may I remind you, brother,
- you ain't bigger than me no more.
- What?
Oh, no.
- Hold this, Mama. Mama, hold that. Hold on.
- No Oh, come on.
- Is this
- Just step back. Okay. All right.
- (SHOUTS)
- Oh!
- Okay! Okay!
- TINA: Don't do this!
Stop that! Put him down!
- Marty! Stop! No, don't Oh, no!
- (SHOUTING)
So, just smashing stuff is
supposed to make me feel better?
Oh, trust me.
David, you're gonna love it.
You know, Tina brought me here,
like, eight years ago
when I was going through some stuff.
Eight years ago?
That's when we moved in next door.
Hmm. Eh, coincidence.
All right. Go ahead, come on.
Start smashing some stuff.
(SIGHS) Well, come on, Calvin.
I-I mean, I can't hit this printer.
It's in perfectly good condition.
Oh, really?
Now it's not.
Come on, Dave.
You remember how pissed off you were
when your little boy boss
told you to shut up?
Yeah. I mean, I love to talk.
Yes, you do.
Now imagine you're in a meeting,
and you just heard "Shut up"
from that little snot
who's not even old enough
to rent a car.
How would that make you feel?
It would make me feel mad.
Get him.
Yeah.
Go.
Why don't you shut up, Josh?
(LAUGHS) You tell him, Dave.
Yeah. Meeting is over!
Oh, yeah!
Now you can't tell me
that didn't make you feel good.
Yeah, I won't tell you.
'Cause it felt amazing!
(CHUCKLES)
Okay. Now, you see that windshield?
Now imagine that belongs to the car
that blocks your driveway.
- Yeah.
- And it's street cleaning day.
Break yourself, fool!
Whoa! Yeah! Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about.
Now, what are you looking at, Stavros?
Okay, uh, uh,
who-who the hell is Stavros?
Yeah, he's a really handsome Greek guy
who's trying to steal my wife.
This is Sparta!
Yeah.
That is the spirit there, Dave,
right there.
And this? Yeah!
This is for the people that stand up
in the back of the plane once we land.
You're in 33-C!
Sit down! You ain't going nowhere!
- Oh!
- Ow!
I can't believe
I had to separate you two.
No kidding. You're a novelist,
you're a physicist,
and you're still
giving each other wedgies?
Well, he started it.
You stole my card.
Hey, hey, hey! I thought I said stop.
- Stop stop punching me, Malcolm!
- Ain't nobody touching you!
- (BOTH BICKERING)
- Hey!
- You better stop it!
- Look, Ma, he lying.
I kept all this stuff to remind me
of when y'all were little kids,
but now I'm remembering,
when y'all were little,
y'all were a pain in my ass.
- You hear that? She talking about you.
- She talking about you.
- She talking about you.
- What you talking about? She talking about you.
She talking about you, Malcolm
I'm talking about the both of you.
You know what?
I don't miss any of this.
And you won't miss any of this.
(SIGHS) You know what?
You're right, Gemma.
- Everything's got to go.
- Ugh! Finally!
(STAMMERS) But not the baby teeth.
I want to make a necklace.
Please tell me you're joking.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, I was joking.
Hey, hey, everybody.
- Hey, Daddy.
- Hey, Pop.
Great news.
Calvin and I were just smashing.
- What? What?
- MALCOLM: What?
David, there's got to be a better way.
Uh, you-you want to try that again?
Okay, fine. (SIGHS)
Calvin got us a private room.
- All right, I don't have time for this.
- So, you could smash my dad?
I-I'll tell the story.
I took Dave to a rage room
to get his anger out.
And the best part is,
is my blood pressure
has never been lower.
My insurance is gonna be
cheaper, and I'm not gonna die.
That's great, honey.
Yeah, and you tell Stavros
to find another widow.
- Hey. Hey, I remember these.
- Uh, whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. Uh
Uh, please be very careful with that.
- (CHUCKLES) It's worth $5,000.
- Yeah. Let me get
For a piece of cardboard?
Yes. They have been fighting
over it for the last half hour.
- Well
- Only because he gave it to me.
- Because I bought the card.
- But why can you not understand
- the concept of dibs?
- Shut up.
Wait a minute. Hold on.
Is this the stupid dinosaur card
that y'all used to fight over
as little boys?
- Uh, well, it-it, it's not stupid. (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES)
But-but yes, that is the one.
Yeah, and I remember this.
You knocked over
and completely destroyed
a full bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue.
I mean, that that does sound
vaguely familiar.
- Yeah. (MURMURS)
- You know what?
I confiscated it then,
and I'm reconfiscating it now.
- Oh, come on, Pop.
- Daddy, come on.
Now-now, now, no, you know what?
I'm gonna use the money
to pay for your rehearsal dinners.
And to replace my bottle
of Johnnie Walker Blue.
Are you happy, Marty?
Me? This is a hundred percent
your fault.
- How is that my fault?
- Well, you could've just gave me the card.
Hey, guy guys.
You didn't even have
the card yesterday.
Gain some perspective on the moment.
BOTH: Shut up, Dave!
- (MALCOLM SHOUTING)
- No, you don't tell Dave to shut up, Malcolm.
- I'm tired of you
- Hey! Hey! Oh!
Hey! Hey! Hey, don't Oh, no!
This is for the lady
at the liquor store
who said she didn't need to see my ID.
- Yeah.
- Hi-yah! (YELLING)
Yeah! (GRUNTS EXCITEDLY)
Hey, hey, well, this is for
the guy who gets on the elevator
and pushes the button
like you weren't smart enough
to push it already.
(WHOOPING)
This is for the guy
that knows you're waiting
on a parking space
- but decides to check his text messages.
- Whoa-oh.
- You see me! You see me!
- (WHOOPING)
And this is for The Rise of Skywalker!
- (SHOUTS, LAUGHS)
- Ooh!
(STAMMERS) Marty, what?
Well, it was, it was a very bad movie
in an otherwise excellent franchise.
- Let's go! Ow.
- Oh
- Give me the bat. You're done.
- No, please. - Oh, he didn't
- No, I-I need this.
- He didn't
sync & corrections awaqeded