The Neighborhood (2018) s08e17 Episode Script

1
Come on, Malcolm.
It's gonna be a blast.
It's fine, Marty. I am happy
to be kicking off our
bachelor party at a theme park.
Wh Ah, ah. It is not a theme park.
The Camelot Experience
is a theme restaurant.
Set in the glory days
of the reign of King Arthur,
where gallantry and magic
were the order of the day.
You know, I thought I was gonna
regret not being able to go.
Daddy, look, look, listen, okay?
This is perfect for a bachelor party.
The ale wenches?
(LAUGHS) Their bosoms
are practically bursting
out of their bodices.
Wow, Marty. You mean
I get to see the top of boobs?
You know, if you went
to the Jiggle Hut on Slauson,
you get to see the whole thing.
Plus, have some of those
lemon pepper wings, and, boy
I know you're not
talking about the Jiggle Hut
to my babies.
Marty brought it up.
- I just
- Well, no, Malcolm's been there.
What? I never been to the Jiggle Hut.
I can't believe you're
dogsitting for Mercedes.
This is your life now.
- Hey, everyone. - Hey.
- Hi, girl.
- Hi, baby.
- Hey, baby.
Uh, thank you guys so much
for dogsitting Coco.
- Oh, no, our pleasure. We're happy to.
- She loves it. Yeah.
- Where is Coco?
- Oh, right here.
- (GASPS) Oh.
- (LAUGHS)
That's it? That's the whole dog?
TINA: Aw.
- She's adorable.
- Aw.
That's not a dog, that's
a hamster that made a wish.
Hey, everybody.
- Dave, say hi to Coco.
- Oh, hey, Coco.
Yeha, my folks are dogsitting
while we go on our bachelor
and bachelorette parties.
Ooh, uh, speaking of, bad news.
I'm not gonna be able to make
your bachelor party.
Uh, Dave you weren't invited.
If you remember
Marty's last bachelor party,
you had two Jell-O shots
and turned into Dave the Douche.
- It wasn't that bad. - (SCOFFS)
- No.
- You were the absolute worst.
- It was a nightmare.
I can't believe you did that to me.
Okay, well, I have to be on call
for my telehealth gig anyway,
so I'm not gonna be able
to make it. Don't beg me.
- Yeah, you got it.
- Okay. Bye, Dave.
I wouldn't even dream of doing it.
Yeah, not at all.
- I remember what he did.
- So, Marty,
you got a medieval cape picked out
- for your night at Camelot?
- (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
Well, I know you are
making fun of me, but
yes. Yes, I do.
I'm glad you guys are having
a nice, clean bachelor party.
(LAUGHS) I bet you are.
You know Garnett, her ex-husband?
His bachelor party? Whoa-ho!
Yep.
Oh, they had to blur out everything.
So, all this stuff
is for one little dog?
Yeah, and if she doesn't sleep
on her memory foam mattress,
she wakes up cranky.
That's what happens
when you buy a pure breed.
Well, in my day, you didn't buy a dog.
- MALCOLM: Oh, boy.
- You got a dog.
Like Bingo.
He was chasing me home
from school one day.
He was trying to bite me,
and-and I was running,
and I got caught in a corner.
And then he was looking at me,
I was looking at him
and I had a little piece
of Slim Jim. I threw it at him.
And he ate it.
Boom, I had a dog.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
Oh, hell no.
How many times I got
to tell you? You could sleep
in your orthopedic bed, your basket,
or your little Malibu dream house,
but the chair is mine.
Shoo. Go on now.
What part of "go on now"
don't you understand?
Calvin, she's probably exhausted.
I had to flush out her ears
with anti-fungal foam.
She fought me tooth and nail,
and trust me,
that little dog is a lot
stronger than she looks.
Dog? That's not a dog.
Bingo was a dog.
This one time, a raccoon tried to drag
my little brother
into the woods, right?
A-And Bingo, Bingo said,
(GROWLING): "Not on my watch.
Not on my watch."
He said that, did he?
(REGULAR VOICE): Yeah. A-And then
he chased that raccoon
up a hundred-foot pine tree,
all the way to the top.
There's no way he did that.
Look, the point is
- is that that dog saved Curtis' life.
- Okay.
This dog
well, she wears a puffer vest
so she don't get cold.
What'd I tell you about my chair, huh?
What'd I say about my chair?
You are going to go here, okay?
Yeah, that's where you belong.
Oh. Okay.
Okay. All right,
so this what you do
you just sit in people laps?
- (LAUGHS) I don't think so.
- (MAILBOX LID CLUNKING)
(BARKS)
The mailman?
(BARKS)
- Okay.
- (BARKS)
Okay, barking at the mailman.
I like that. (LAUGHS) That's
big dog energy right there.
All right, I think we all good
for tomorrow.
I mean, the Sprinter van'll
be here at 6:00,
dinner's at 6:30,
go-kart track's at 9:00.
The only thing left to do
is hire the strippers.
- What strippers?
- The ones you asked for.
No. We didn't ask for strippers.
In fact, we explicitly said
no strippers.
Well, somebody asked for them.
Was it you, Trey?
It was somebody.
Look, regardless, it's better
to have strippers and not need them
than to need strippers
and not have them.
- No strippers.
- No strippers.
Got it.
Strippers TBD.
Anyway, I am so psyched
for this party.
This is gonna be way better
than my last bachelor party.
Are you kidding? That party was dope.
We had steaks, cigars, a party bus.
Man, that's how you send
your man off to get married.
(LAUGHS)
Except I called off the wedding
at the end of the night.
Oh, well, for you, it was horrible.
For me, top five.
This time is totally different, okay?
Courtney and I have
a daughter together,
- we live together.
- Mm-hmm.
We know how compatible we are.
With Necie, it was just too impulsive.
Like, we'd only really known
each other for a few months.
Yeah, you know what?
There's no way you can
get to know a person that fast.
Uh, well, well, uh, you know,
it, uh (CLEARS THROAT)
it does depend on the person.
Well-well, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm not talking about you.
- Right.
- I mean, a few months
is plenty for you and Mercedes.
- Yeah. Yup.
- I mean, you guys are totally different.
- Very, very different.
- (LAUGHS) You're damn right.
We we different.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, right. (LAUGHS)
(CLEARS THROAT) How?
You like that cheese?
You get you a little piece of cheese.
You like that cheese, don't you?
You know what's better than cheese?
Belly rubs.
I rub that belly. I like that belly.
- You like that belly
- Oh.
Oh, uh, uh, scram, mutt. Yeah.
Yeah.
What'd I tell you about my chair?
Uh-huh.
Oh, you're on dog duty.
I'm going to the barbershop.
Oh, no, no, no. Gemma and I
are getting mani-pedis.
You'll have to take her with you.
I can't go into that barbershop
with Ratatouille.
Hey, Tina. Guess what?
Dave has very generously offered
to drive us to the salon
and sit with us
while we get our nails done.
(STAMMERS) That Yeah,
that's not gonna work for me.
Dave just needs
to get out of the house.
He's been sitting
in front of his laptop all day.
This job is killing me.
I spent the last six hours
just shoveling people
through the system.
You know, I thought
I was gonna get a chance
to really use my therapy skills.
It's like they're keeping
Michael Jordan on the bench.
Well, Calvin can take him
to the barbershop.
- Oh, thank you.
- What-what-what-what did I do?
I got the dog and Dave?
Malcolm Butler getting married.
I never thought I'd see the day.
Well, I mean, I always knew
I would get married someday.
And it happened so fast.
I mean, not so fast.
I mean, three months.
Do you even know her last name?
- Uh, yes, I know her last name.
- Okay.
- Do you know her middle name?
- Obviously.
- He's googling it.
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
Hey, keep your eyes
on my hair, please.
Hey, hey, fellas.
OTHERS: Oh What?
Oh, my God.
Calvin's got a purse dog.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Uh, this is not a purse.
Uh, Daddy, it kind of
looks like a purse.
Oh, oh, is a suitcase a purse?
Is a bag full of guns a purse?
Okay.
Calvin, ignore them. Your
your man-card is fully intact.
There is nothing unmanly
about a poodle in a purse.
Now this is why
Okay, Dave, Dave,
would you stop helping, please.
I-I can't help it. It's what I do.
You know, we therapists have
a term for what they're doing.
It's called projection,
and it's born of insecurity.
That felt good. Jordan for three.
Okay, everybody,
give my pops a break, all right?
That's not his dog, it's my fiancée's.
Oh, yeah? What's the dog's name?
Um Damn it, I know this. Um
- The dog's name is Coco.
- Coco.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
It's okay to be upset, Calvin.
Those guys found
a vulnerability in you,
and they zeroed in on it.
You know, that's what bullies do.
I know what bullies do.
I am the bully.
But not to sweet little doggies.
No, no, no.
You know what I think?
I don't think this is about
you being humiliated
at the barbershop. I think
you have formed an attachment
to this dog.
And I think we should unpack that.
Absolutely not.
No one lets me
unpack anything anymore.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- I'll get it.
Hey, is this the Butler residence?
I'm sorry, we're actually
in the middle of something
- right now.
- Uh, no, we're not.
Dave, do you not know who this is?
That's Garnett Winters.
Three-time Pro-Bowler.
Holds all the records in receptions.
- Aren't you also on Trophy Divas?
- Yeah.
You're, uh, Mercedes' ex-husband?
- That I am. - Ah.
- Oh.
Well, if you're here to fight Malcolm,
just know it's
not gonna be one-on-one.
We jumping in.
Oh, no, I'd have to fight
both of you guys?
Don't worry, man.
Me and Malcolm are cool.
Garnett Winters is
a lover, not a fighter.
Huh.
Well, that's good to know, so, um
What can Calvin Butler
do for Garnett Winters?
You can give me back my dog.
Oh, Calvin Butler can't do that.
I'm sorry, Mercedes didn't
tell y'all I might come by
to pick up Coco?
She did not.
Typical. Ah, let's go, Coco.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
We still have time to
make our swim class.
You know, she won't be getting
in any pool today.
I just did her hair.
Garnett, Calvin has formed
an unusual bond with Coco.
- Oh
- We were about to start unpacking it.
The hell we were. No.
Uh, whose car is that?
I mean, what kind of nut job
buys an electric Rolls-Royce?
The rich, handsome,
environmentally-conscious kind.
Hey, how you doing? I'm Garnett.
- (GASPS)
- Oh, we we-we
we-we we-we know who you are.
We hate you.
Well, he's here to take Coco.
- (GASPS) Uh-uh.
- What? Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That is not gonna work.
I'm sorry, this is my dog.
How is this not gonna work?
We don't trust you.
And we don't trust a man
who pushes little Andy Cohen
off a stand-up paddleboard.
Nobody pushes Andy Cohen
off a stand-up paddleboard.
Mercedes trusted us with her dog.
That's right.
And we are not giving Coco
- to anyone without her say-so.
- Nope.
And maybe not even then.
Garnett, Calvin has fallen
in love with the dog.
- (GEMMA GASPS) - Aw.
- Oh, okay.
No, do not "aw" me. Don't "aw."
I love the dog.
It's my dog. Mine. Not yours.
I-I don't think y'all understand
how lonely a 12-bedroom
penthouse feels
when you're sitting there by yourself.
Ever since Mercedes took away
my visitation rights,
my life has been empty.
I miss the sound of
the ticky-ticky-ticky little feet
- on my custom Italian marble floor.
- Oh
Now, uh
Garnett, you let it out.
Thank you. Thank you.
The man can't have everything.
Custom Italian marble floors,
electric Rolls-Royce.
I'm keeping the dog.
Malcolm?
Uh, hey, Marty.
What's up?
Nothing, man. I'm just, uh
I'm playing Connect Four.
Oh, okay. Well, that is a
perfectly reasonable thing to do
in the middle of your bachelor party!
There we are,
enjoying the Camelot Experience,
reveling in jousts,
eating our Excaliburgers,
and I turn around and you are gone.
I just needed a minute, Marty.
You've been gone for an hour.
I had a panic attack.
Why?
Look, man, at your bachelor party
Not this one, the other one.
When did you know
it wasn't gonna work out?
Wait. You think you and Mercedes
are like me and Necie?
That's just it, Marty. I don't know.
You know, just like
I don't know her middle name
or her favorite color
or-or the name of her first pet.
You trying to marry the girl
or steal her identity?
I'm just saying, Marty,
am I being reckless?
You know, man,
was I so determined to prove
that I could commit to somebody
that I just
I don't know, I rushed into this?
I lost again.
And won. You are playing
against yourself. You also won.
Just like you are winning
with Mercedes.
Look, man, can I give you
some tough love?
Yeah.
Okay, come on.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Malcolm
you have been running from
serious relationships for years.
Now, some of them, thank God.
- I mean, Katrina?
- Whoa. Don't say her name.
Yeah, I still got her
blocked on socials.
But
now you've found something real.
Like, really real.
And I don't want to see you
running again.
You are never, ever
gonna do better than Mercedes.
Not if you live to be 300.
She's smart, she's beautiful,
and she's so nice you can't even
tell that she is filthy rich.
And she loves you.
And I love her. (CHUCKLES)
And yeah, it moved fast, man, but
- you know, when you know, you know.
- And you know.
- Oh, I know I know. (LAUGHS)
- I know you know you know.
Oh, my God.
Claudette! Yes!
Excuse me?
That's Mercedes' middle name
Claudette. Okay? Look,
all the guys at the barber shop
can suck it!
Yes, they can. Yeah.
Now, will you please
stop playing Connect Four
with yourself
and marry that girl
before she comes to her senses?
Uh, Marty, thank you.
I couldn't ask for a better brother.
That's what brothers are for.
- Love you, man.
- I love you too.
I-I don't know,
maybe Mercedes and I
were never really happy.
Garnett, this is good. We're
really starting to unpack this.
Other people could learn
from your willingness
to be vulnerable.
I don't know who you're talking
about, but they are not here.
Hey, why is there
an electric Rolls out front?
Because you took the McLaren
in the divorce.
Oh, my God. What is he doing here?
(GASPS) Do not give him the dog.
(STAMMERS) Trust me,
he's not getting the dog.
Because we're your
real friends, Mercedes.
Okay. Um, why are you back so early?
(SIGHS) Glamping was a terrible idea.
There were so many bats.
Sienna got drunk and fell on a cactus.
Aurelia got stung by a scorpion
in her brand-new boobs.
I'm-a have to start
watching this show.
Um, we had
a custody agreement, Garnett.
We were gonna share Coco,
and then you went
and brought her to Aruba on my week.
She had fun, and I got her
a cute, little snorkel.
- Come on.
- Guys, uh, i-if I may?
Can we please show Garnett
some grace here? Look
Does he have issues? Yes.
Does he manipulate people
with his charm
and million-dollar smile?
Aw, stop it.
It is insured.
Yes, but
he is feeling grief.
He lost a companion
that showed him love,
and he's committed
to working on himself.
Yes, I am.
I really am.
- Ha! - No way, you snake.
- Nice try.
Aw, man, I hate to do this, but
I agree with Dave.
I mean, a sweet little dog
like this can
fill holes
you didn't even know you had.
Bingo?
Bingo was his name-o.
He was the best damn dog
I ever met, you know.
And I didn't know how much
I was missing that feeling
until I met Coco here.
Well, she is a special dog.
She's the only thing
I've ever truly loved.
Gee, thanks.
You know, one time,
this big guy tried to, uh,
steal my bike, right? And Bingo
was not having any of that.
No, no, he bit off his pinkie.
And kept it in his mouth
all the whole way home.
Bingo was so proud, man.
Man, he was proud.
He was like (BARKS)
I-Is Bingo real?
I have no idea.
Get to your point, Calvin.
Yeah, yeah, well, I mean,
well, the point is
is that even the manliest man
can benefit from having
a little buddy just like this.
Especially if he's feeling alone.
(SIGHS) I guess we can
try shared custody again.
Thank you, Mercedes.
Dave, thank you so much.
Well, thank you for allowing me
to use my gift.
Jordan with the buzzer beater.
Swish.
Okay. Let's go, Coco.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Give me a minute.
You right. My bad.
(SIGHS)
You know, Coco
we had a special time.
So, don't be sad. You know,
be happy that we get this
Really?
So, I guess them belly rubs
didn't mean a damn thing.
So, y'all think because I got
a little dog, I'm not tough?
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
I got blindsided by Ray Lewis
across the middle.
- Whew.
- Okay.
Yeah, you know, I remember that game.
I lost my parlay when you fumbled.
It was prime Ray Lewis.
Yeah, yeah, listen,
if that would've happened to me,
I would've walked straight off
the field and then to my car.
Oh, man.
Man, give yourself some credit.
The league has nothing
on those Trophy Divas.
You never see somebody in the NFL
get hit with a stiletto.
That is true. That is true.
You know, I once knew
the toughest dog
in the whole damn world.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, Bingo?
You know it.
Bingo.
Once ate a whole beehive.
That's impossible.
No, a-and then, when he burped,
hornets came out.
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Pop, Pop, Pop,
- hornets came out of the beehive?
- You weren't there.
- What?
- You-you-you didn't see it.
(OVERLAPPING ARGUING)
And then and then and
then a tarantula came out.
(ALL CLAMORING, ARGUING)
sync & corrections awaqeded