The Goldbergs s08e18 Episode Script

1
Back in the '80s,
there was no show
quite like "The Dating Game,"
where bachelors
and bachelorettes competed
with innuendo-filled questions
for a chance at romance.
If I were a car,
describe the hand-wash
I could expect from you.
The words they're saying are innocent,
but the meanings are not.
Just so you know, Squishy,
if we were ever on this show,
I'd pick you every time.
In what world would we be
on a dating show together?
Never forget I will always be
the first girl you ever kissed.
I never considered that until now.
- and I act, and I teach.
- Is that Ms. Cinoman?
I also salsa dance.
It was.
And my mom and I weren't the only ones
watching our weird
drama teacher find love.
Yikes.
That lady taught at your school?
Yep. And as a recently single
woman, I support her.
I'm wearing a corduroy vest
and a denim skirt,
and it goes alllllll the way down.
Where else would it go?
But no one enjoyed the game of romance
more than my brother Barry.
If I was one of these bachelors,
- I'd smoke these clowns.
- Mm-hmm.
For a date with
a 50-year-old drama teacher?
50 is the new 48, Matt Bradley.
Open your mind
to all of God's creatures.
Hey, Joanne, you cool with this?
I don't care if he window shops,
as long as the only thing
he brings home is me.
And the bacon.
Mmm! She doesn't mean money.
- She likes bacon.
- Love it.
You know who should
go on "The Dating Game"?
This sad sack!
Sad sack?
You're basically the human equivalent
of a dropped ice-cream cone
with ants on it and a bootprint.
I saw this doc where whales
that sing out of key
get lost and die alone.
You're sadder.
I heard you weeping in the bathroom.
Okay, I'm a little down,
but that doesn't mean I'm ready to date.
So you're just gonna be single?
What? "Single" is not a bad word!
Here's some other words for you
alone, abandoned, forsaken,
deserted, Albuquerque.
I appreciate everyone's concern,
but this breakup with Erica
is all about finding myself.
And the best way to find yourself
is to find someone else.
Preferably a crazy brunette
with tons of red flags.
Aww! I'm just mean to waiters
and have no female friends.
No biggie.
I'm actually doing
pretty good on my own.
- Do explain.
- I don't believe you.
Well, I recently rekindled an old flame
with my first love, Arabella.
Tell us all about her! What's she like?
She's got some pretty sweet curves,
and we make some
beautiful music together.
Arabella's your cello, isn't she?
You know it.
It sounds like ghosts are screaming.
- Make bad noise stop!
- On it, babe!
- Quit it!
- No! Not my only lady!
- Gimme it!
- Dude!
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was April 21st, 1980-something,
and despite some initial bumps,
my dad's new business partnership
was about to pay off.
Great news, fellas!
I told ya white wicker furniture
was a gold mine!
Nothing adorns a tasteful sunroom
better than a woven rattan.
Those saps slurped it up
like Mom's matzoh.
Well, not my mom, because
she was a horrible cook,
an even worse woman,
but you know what I mean.
Wicker and soup. Enough said.
There's more. Much more!
- Is this a mistake?
- No mistake.
I've never seen so many numbers!
Look at 'em all.
There's 7 a-and 9
and a-and they brought
their old pal 3.
And yours doesn't have
as many zeroes as mine does.
Thank you for putting my joyful
moment into perspective.
Welcome to the world of the filthy rich.
You get one free murder. Use it wisely.
What should I do with this?
Murray, listen to your best friend.
Is that you in this case?
Think big!
Do something that will cow your enemies
or shame your family.
Or something nice.
I'm gonna get a Vespa scooter.
It's a whole culture.
Well, that's a crap example. But sure!
This kind of cash was a whole
new ballgame for my dad,
but to everyone's surprise,
he stepped up to the plate
and took a big swing.
I did it! I did the thing,
and it is big!
Just make sure you lit a candle
by the sink this time.
No, moron! I bought something!
Bevy, care to guess?
A riding lawnmower so
I don't have to push anymore?
No! Something I would never do.
Salsa lessons and then we go
salsa dancing every night,
then we get all caught up
in the salsa lifestyle
and we open a casino in Havana?
Even more life-changing.
You purchased something
more life-changing
than quitting your lives in
America and pursuing dance?
I bought a beach house!
- What did he say?
- Beach house!
I think he said "bean chow."
He wants to eat more beans.
That makes the most sense.
I bought a house
on the beach.
Is this real?
Does constant nagging actually work?
You're welcome, m'lady.
Every summer, that Jane Bales
rolls off to her shore home
like she's better than me.
Well, guess what! I'm better than me!
Suck it, Jane!
I guess we're beach people now.
Not me. I burn easily.
And waves are just God's punches.
Well, get some sunscreen
and some courage,
'cause now the sea is your best friend.
Oh, I gotta call my friends.
Hey, it's me. Gather
the rest of the moo crew
and drag your rumps over here.
I've got a life-altering announcement!
A beach house!
Well, this better be good.
I left the tennis club for this.
- Oh, you play tennis?
- I know that you don't know,
but that's a very non-tennis
club member thing to ask.
Here's something you don't know
I have a beach house.
And it's not a crappy timeshare
like yours, Ginzy.
Wait. It's not a timeshare, is it?
- Full-time!
- In your face, Ginzy!
Have fun in your sad
November beach house
filled with other people's silverware.
Oh, well, we were actually thinking
- of going to Greece this summer, so
- No one cares!
I have a summer house.
Bevy, that's so exciting.
Hey, if there's a free weekend
No. First rule of our
beach house "no moochers."
It's on a driftwood sign
covered in seashells.
So where is the beach house?
Margate? Ventnor?
I don't know, because my
romantic and spontaneous husband
surprised me.
Did you marry someone new?
Nope, it was me,
her dynamic and handsome first husband.
Well, I hate to rush you out,
but managing two households
is extremely time-consuming,
so thanks for being jealous, everyone.
While my mom couldn't wait
to see her new beach house,
Erica and Geoff couldn't stay
far enough away
from each other
- despite trying very hard.
- Holy crap!
Finally, my brother and Joanne
decided to end the awkwardness.
- It's a trap!
- Gotta go!
No, no! No! Get over here.
This has to stop.
What has to stop? Nothing has to stop.
I'm not weird. You're weird.
We can't have this tension.
You have to figure it out.
You're right.
We can be friends, right, Geoff?
Friends. I can do that.
So would you join me
for a friend coffee?
Sounds lovely, friend.
- So
- So
Enough terrible small talk.
I'll start the ball rolling.
Geoff's gonna be on "The Dating Game."
- I am?
- He is?
- But I didn't even sign up.
- I did.
Ms. Cinoman gave me
the number of a producer,
and I badgered him with my unique brand
of persuasive energy until he said yes.
I didn't know we were
seeing other people.
We're not. I I'm not.
I don't control you.
Not that I controlled you
when we were together,
which we're not anymore, so
Nice. Nice.
Save that gold for the show.
If you want to go on a dating show
in front of millions of people, you can.
You're okay with this?
Why not? We're friends,
and I support my friends.
Then I'm totally gonna do it.
This tomcat is back on the prowl.
Meow! It sounded better in my head.
Now it's Erica's turn.
Attention, diner patrons!
This gal's single
and has a decent frame.
Makeup will fix the rest.
Come over here. See?
Isn't this way better?
As Erica and Geoff were in Hell,
my mom was having a day at the beach.
Ohh, we've got a beach house!
Open your eyes and take a look
at your dream house.
Unfortunately, it looked
more like a nightmare.
Well, this is something.
I think I've seen
this place on the news.
I bet you have.
It used to be a home
for unwanted children.
- If these walls could talk.
- They would scream?
There's just so much to take in.
You know? Like
What the hell are you wearing?
Dad made me! He keeps yelling
I'm a beach kid now.
Damn right you are.
And you're gonna make a sand angel,
and you're gonna have sandball fights,
and you're gonna carve
a beautiful sandman!
Sandman? The guy that makes you sleep?
I don't know beach talk,
but I do know this
you better not spoil your mom's dream.
Dream, yes. That's what this is.
Oh, so much character.
A character from
"Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
Ah, so it needs a little cleaning up.
We'll paint, we'll patch,
badda boom badda bing, it'll be a home!
We'll all do it together.
Together, yes.
That is something
I've definitely said before.
Because I'm the best.
You really are, Murray. I love it.
- I [bleep] hate it.
- You hate it?
I'm wearing a shirt
that says "Surf City."
Where is this place? It's so generic.
Why don't you just tell him?
Because I'm dumping this dump
without him knowing it.
Sounds good, but let's not insult
the haunted house while we're in it.
While my mom had one foot out the door,
Erica couldn't believe
Geoff had hit the dating ground running.
I just thought that I'd be
the first one to move on
and he would dress up
a mannequin in my clothes
and spoon it at night.
You need to get back out there, too.
But a ton more, with, like,
faceless guys who work with their hands.
Sometimes their hands are strong.
Either way, it's new and scary.
Very specific to you,
and I don't think I'm ready.
Well, get ready.
See that cute guy over there?
He's already given you three refills.
He totally digs you.
And he's coming over here.
What? No, no, no.
I can't talk to human boys.
Oh, here's one now.
- Can I top you off?
- Sure.
Love your beans.
Coffee beans, I mean.
Other beans I like garbanzo, pinto, mung.
Ow!
So, Heat. That's an unusual name.
Are your parents big fans
of NBA expansion teams?
It's Heath. Like the candy bar.
You can call me Whatchamacallit.
Ow!
So, I'm wondering, do you maybe
want to hang out sometime?
Wow. So I guess I didn't have to
list off all those beans.
Ow!
And, yes, for sure. Let's hang.
As Erica fumbled her way into a date,
Barry was prepping Geoff
for game-show success.
Winning "The Dating Game"
is all about one thing.
ANUS.
I thought there was nothing
that could make me
want to do this less, but there it is.
A is for "Alpha Status."
You need to dominate the other
contestants around you
by saying things like,
"Wow, Bachelor Number Two,
have your eyes always been so far apart,
or is your mother an elephant seal?"
I thought it was light flirting
and being affable,
but I'll be awful, I guess.
Moving on to U and S, a.k.a. "Us."
Wait. Us? What about the N?
N in this case stands for "nothing."
I just really wanted to spell "Anus."
Now, "us" are gonna help you
with some role playing.
- Joanne will be our bachelorette.
- Ooh.
Matt Bradley, Geoff, and I
will be bachelors.
Naked Rob, hoot and holler as needed.
What? No! Please don't make me reply
- to my sister's sexy innuendos.
- You will.
Jo-Jo, ask your brother/suitor
a sexually charged question.
Bachelor Number One,
say we're stuck in a glass elevator
- Yeah, I'm out.
- No! Back in!
Blood relative or not, you need
practice talking suggestively.
Say the words.
Gah. Fine.
I guess I would push
all the right buttons?
I'm your sister, you weirdo!
You have the same mom!
- I guess he's over Erica.
- I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
- Yeah, bye.
We did good work here.
Yeah.
My mom wasn't exactly thrilled
with my dad's surprise purchase,
but she was never one without a plan.
Wait a tick. I don't want
any part of whatever this is.
Can't a woman bring macadamia muffins
to her husband's best friend anymore?
Sweet Hawaiian gold.
Macadamias are my weakness.
I just need a little help first.
- You're a contractor, right?
- I sell tile!
So you have a hammer. It's all the same.
Please just ask me whatever
hugely imposing favor this is.
Murray has bought a beach house.
How incredibly generous of him.
It's a dump and I hate it!
And now we know why you're here.
You want me to say the terrible
things so you don't have to.
You tell Murray
how costly it'll be to fix.
The thought of spending
a single penny more
will reawaken his cheapness,
and then I won't have to live
in the house from "The Munsters."
I'm available next Tuesday.
We're going now.
Well
Mur-man, I'm not gonna lie to you.
This is more than a paint-and-patch.
That sounds like big bucks.
Please, Bill, be more specific.
- You need new drywall.
- Drywall? That's easy.
Uh, anything else?
Maybe something that isn't easy?
And new floors, I guess.
You guess or you know?
I don't want to crash through
to whatever lurks beneath here.
Is quicksand just a jungle thing?
Uh, that mold is, uh, deadly,
and it'll eat your whole family.
Okay, well, Bill
took that too far there,
but, uh, how does that
make you feel, Mur?
Like you want to maybe
reconsider everything?
Mold?
I just got some new cream
for my toenails.
I'll plop it on the wall,
it'll all disappear.
Bill, can I speak to you over here
next to the water damage
that made a face?
Yeah.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm sorry, but look at him.
I'm not gonna take his happiness.
Take it! There's not that much there.
He won't even know it's gone!
Hey.
What are you doing in here
and not out on the crystal brown
waters of the Atlantic?
Why do you want me to surf so bad?
You're the only one not
embracing our beach lifestyle.
Now go on out there
and ride the big kahuna.
Is that a person?
I don't know who it is!
But he's out there.
Well no easy way
to say this, Mur-man.
It's gonna cost you an arm
and a leg to fix this place up.
Bill, there's no amount of money
I wouldn't spend
to put a smile on
this little lady's face.
Last week you got mad at me
for having grocery ketchup.
Well, those little packets
are everywhere,
but this is different.
I know it'll take some work,
but over time,
we'll get it done.
Time, as in the one thing
we can never get more of?
That and gallbladders.
Found that out the hard way.
- Bill, get out.
- You drove me here.
Fine.
While my mom's plan had gone awry,
Geoff was putting Barry's
"Dating Game" training
into action.
Bachelor Number Two, I love to laugh.
How could I tickle your funny bone?
Well, Mandy, I may never laugh again
after seeing Bachelor
Number One's hideous face.
I'm so sorry.
I-I think your face is lovely.
Oof. Rough start.
Yeah, I don't know. I think
he's just nervous. Hey
Shushy-shush. TV's talking.
If you were ordering me a steak,
how would you say I like my meat?
I'd go with rare.
And you know what else is rare?
The shape of
Bachelor Number Three's head.
I'm so sorry.
I feel like outside of this
we could be friends.
Wait. Is he kind of succeeding?
I love watching baseball.
What's your favorite position?
I'd have to say bat boy,
because I'm helpful and organized.
Crash and burn! He is so done.
You know, in my novel, we actually
Okay, zip it, yakkity yak.
Mandy's about to pick a winner.
I choose
Bachelor Number Two!
- Hey, that's me!
- What the hell?!
We're whisking you two lovebirds away
on an all-expenses-paid dinner
at Bookbinder's,
home of the world-famous Snapper Soup.
Taste the sea!
You're gonna take me to Bookbinder's.
Look, I gotta be honest. I thought
this was going really badly.
Nah. Tens from all the judges.
Now let's boogie.
As Erica was off to dinner,
my mom was meeting with the Realtor
to get our new beach house
off of her hands.
Please. Somebody's gotta be
interested in this place.
Yeah, like a true-crime buff
or someone into the occult.
This couldn't get worse.
Beverly!
Ohh
Is that you?
Jane Bales.
The ocean air must have
masked your approach.
Well, I heard you were out here,
so I've been driving around
looking for you.
It took forever, since
I started in the nice areas.
Is this what you were bragging about?
No, I-I volunteer to bring meals
to sick and decrepit people
who live in dumps like this.
Charity is so gross.
So gross.
Uh, but isn't that your odd boy?
Well, he has a generous spirit, as well,
by feeding and washing
society's trash bin.
What do I do?
He just finished bathing a man
with the appearance and smell
of pumpkin soup.
Isn't that right, Adam?
Sure. I just washed
a pumpkin man, I-I guess.
Can we go home?
Yes, 'cause this is not our home,
so we should go to the one that is.
And which is it? Is it nearby?
Let's just say, um, my palatial estate
is right on the water
and nothing like this [bleep] shack.
You hate it?
What? Murray, no.
I heard the whole thing.
Then yes. I-I hate it.
Ohh. I'm just gonna park.
I thought this was your dream.
Well, it is, but, like
six houses that way.
Oh, more than six, honey.
Why didn't you just ask me first?
Because I thought I was doing
something special for you.
I guess I thought wrong.
Well, silver lining
I had a great day.
Bye!
While my mom could see she messed up,
Erica was aiming to catch a glimpse
of Bachelor Number Two.
Oh, my God! It's TV's Geoff and Mandy!
You know, celebrities love
interactions with the public,
so let's do it.
Erica?
Geoff? Oh, my God. Hi.
What are you doing here?
And with the guy from the coffee shop?
Oh, this strapping fella?
This is Heath, and we're on a date.
Me too. This is Mandy from
Where are you from?
"The Dating Game."
Anyway, we're together. You're together.
I mean, check us out.
We're like two perfect puzzle pieces.
Except one puzzle piece
doesn't wear deodorant.
Oh, that stuff is toxic.
Yeah, and so are the smells
that it prevents.
Yeah, well, that arm's not the only arm
getting draped over a lady tonight.
Come on in here, Mandy.
Yeah, this is all moving really fast.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry!
I'm messing with you! I'll do anything.
- Oh.
- Okay, that's enough.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were
just friends being friends.
You didn't come here
to stop my date, did you?
Of course not!
I came here to taste the sea!
And all right, Mandy. It's a restaurant,
not the alley behind the restaurant.
You know
I don't get it, Erica.
You broke up with me.
You told me to go find myself,
and that's what I'm doing.
Come on, Mandy.
- Is it shrimp time?
- Almost!
Feeling guilty for having
broken my dad's heart,
my mom was looking to the sea
for answers,
but the only thing
coming out of there was me.
Oh, no, Schmoo. What happened?
I surfed!
Wait. You paddled out there?
No. I went to clean my toes
of icky sand in the water,
but the undertow took me!
And my feet couldn't touch bottom!
But that's not the worst of it.
There was a fin in the water!
- A shark?!
- Jaws himself!
So what happened?
I scrambled onto my board
just as a wave yanked me
into its grip
and hurled me toward shore.
And it turns out that fin was a dolphin!
And she smiled at me.
So I guess it kind of worked out.
I get it now. It's special here.
Dad's right.
Maybe he is.
So, wait. H-How did you
break your board?
Oh, this is from the revolving
door of the Marriott
when I went to pee.
Murray what's all this?
Too busy hating the house
to come up here?
I deserve that.
It's kind of wonderful.
It's why I bought the place.
I know it needs a lot of work,
but it's also got a lot of charm.
Kind of like you.
Hey, I thought when
the grandkids go to sleep,
we could come up here,
have a foo-foo drink,
sit and watch the ocean
or something dumb like that.
It's not dumb. It's sweet.
Look. I'm sorry I bought
this place without you.
It's your dream house.
You should have a say in it.
But I never had money like that,
and I got excited, and
I messed up.
Murray, I'm the one
who should be apologizing.
If you believe in this house,
then so do I.
You're not embarrassed?
Oh, beyond.
But not because I couldn't see
how special the house is, but
'cause I couldn't see
how special my husband is.
While my Mom and Dad
finally patched things up
in that broken-down house,
Erica wanted to fix
some things of her own.
Hey. Is Geoff here?
He's at class.
I'll just wait then.
Can I give you some advice?
I was wrong.
You can't be friends with your ex.
Stop. I'm just here
to explain last night.
Erica, take it from the guy
who lost the love of his life.
You're only gonna make it worse.
This is nothing like you and Lainey.
No, it's harder.
She went away, and I didn't
have to see her every day.
What are you saying?
I'm saying you guys
need to be out of each other's
lives for a while.
It's the only way you're
gonna get through this.
It's impossible.
To see him, to not see him.
I just didn't think
it was gonna be this hard.
I know.
And I also know I'm just
your younger, goofy brother,
but I'm always here for you.
Thanks, Barry.
Life can get messy sometimes,
whether it's the end
of a relationship
or even the start of
something new and wonderful.
Either way, you can always look back
but you can only live forward.
Okay.
Hey! You were just on "The Dating Game"!
What can I do for you?
I'm looking for a chair
to fill out my boudoir.
If you were my chair,
what type would you be?
And don't say La-Z-Boy.
- Vic, you have a customer!
- Oh, Salesman Number Two.
I'd very much like
to see your love seat.
Oh, my. Your tone is
quite forward. Uh, Bill?
Well, I'm just waiting for Murray.
I don't even work here.
Yeah, y-you do now.
- Huh?
- Hm.
Newly-Hired Sexy Salesman Number Three,
perhaps you'd like to help me
try out a new mattress.
Oh, just don't get a water bed.
Those things will make you
seasick. Not a night goes by
- that I don't barf.
- Never mind.