The Neighborhood (2018) s08e18 Episode Script

1
Hey, Mrs. B. Wow.
You look great.
Oh, do I?
Yeah. What's the occasion?
Well, the occasion
was your makeup
and hair test for the wedding.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I I don't know how I missed it.
Mm.
Hey, Mama.
Whoa, you look amazing.
Yeah, what's the occasion?
I didn't miss our anniversary, did I?
I missed the hair and makeup test.
I texted you about it twice.
Oh, uh, Mama, you texted
the "Butler Fam" group.
Courtney's not in that one.
Yes.
I'm sorry.
CALVIN: I see it here,
I see the "Butler Boys" on here,
is that not a
No, Butler Boys is just us.
(TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)
Okay, so which group has the-the
little Yoda driving a car?
Oh, that's the "Daphne Drivers" group.
That's where we talk about
pickup and drop-offs for daycare.
Oh, and for the record,
it's Grogu on a landspeeder, but yes.
(LAUGHS)
Change that.
Yeah.
Okay, the makeup test
may have been my oversight,
but I am very busy, okay?
I've got the florist, the rentals,
the caterers.
I mean, if we
take our eyes off the ball,
we're gonna be
standing around the reception
eating Gravy Jack's.
I ain't be mad at that.
Them jacked fries be fire, boy.
(LAUGHS)
Marty, come on,
get your head in the game, man.
Be better.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
That flight was a nightmare.
Because one passenger is allergic,
nobody gets peanuts?
Mom, it seems like a small
sacrifice to save a life.
(SCOFFS) Snowflakes.
Oh, look. (LAUGHS)
It's your buddy Calvin.
Well, well, Paula.
- Welcome back.
- Thank you.
How was your flight?
Doesn't anybody dress up
to get on an airplane anymore?
I mean, the girl sitting next to me,
she was wearing pajamas.
(LAUGHS)
Nothing's sacred.
But the flight
was surprisingly smooth.
I was a little worried when
I saw that we had a DEI pilot.
Oh, I bet you were.
- Yeah.
- Dave, get your mama.
I M-Mom, Mom,
you really shouldn't
say things like that.
What? I said it was smooth.
I mean, are compliments illegal now?
Hey, Paula. How was your
- Don't. Don't ask.
- No, don't ask.
I better call Chip
and tell him I landed safely.
I'm sure he's been worried sick
since I told him about the lady pilot.
Oh, okay.
So she just don't like nobody.
Chip is her new boyfriend.
- Oh.
- He owns a chain
of car dealerships back home.
It's all she talked about
on the way here.
"Chip was the Phantom of the Opera
"at the Great Lakes Supper Club.
And Chip has
the hips of a salsa dancer."
He doesn't sound so bad.
"Chip is a very generous lover.
He does things
your father would never"
Okay. Okay, that's enough.
MARTY: Oh, I couldn't possibly
take another bite of cake.
I cannot believe
y'all are complaining
about having to taste cake.
Uh, excuse me,
but who told your mother
that you didn't need her help
with the tablecloths?
I was just trying to take
something off her plate.
See, that's just it.
She doesn't want things off her plate.
She wants everything on her plate.
She lives for this.
Yeah, but she's been so stressed out,
running all over town. We don't
want our wedding to kill her.
Okay, okay.
I see what's going on here.
You think this is
your wedding.
No, no, no, no. This is her wedding.
Yeah, she told me that.
Yeah, you know,
and if we survive this,
we're still not out the woods.
Because two weeks later,
it's Malcolm's wedding,
which is actually
- Mama's wedding. - Mama's wedding.
- Your mama's wedding.
And don't forget it.
I mean, the slightest thing
could set her off.
You know what I call her
when she gets like this?
- TN-Tina.
- TN-Tina.
Ba-boom.
Ouch.
Does she know you all call her that?
Oh, hell no.
You're not gonna flip on us, are you?
Never.
Listen, y'all let me handle this.
I am the only one
- Oh, uh
- that knows how to deal
with her when she gets like this.
So for the next month,
everything runs through me.
Are we clear?
- Crystal clear. Yeah.
- Roger that.
We're here!
Oh, hey, Mama.
- Hey, Daphne. Oh, hi!
- Hi, baby.
Mrs. B, thank you so much
for doing the afternoon pickups,
and all the wedding errands.
Is there anything you can't do?
- Oh, stop it! (LAUGHS)
- There you go.
There it is.
TINA: Oh, man,
I just love going to daycare.
But that little Connor,
he's a piece of work, though.
Really?
He's usually so sweet.
Well, Tina says he's not sweet,
so, you know, drop it.
You know, I caught him
pulling Daphne's hair.
- Mm-mm.
- Oh, no.
Did you talk to Ms. Doris?
Ms. Doris?
I talked to Connor.
Mama, he's two.
(STAMMERS)
We usually let the teachers
handle this kind of stuff.
Well, that little boy
needed to be told,
"Hey, hey, hey! You do not pull hair."
Jeopardy's supposed
to be on channel four,
but-but no, here it's on seven.
Did your crazy governor do that?
Yes, Mom. It's all part
of his radical agenda.
I knew it.
What's with the lamp?
It's a Himalayan rock salt lamp.
Some doctors believe
it helps with stress relief,
fat burning, improved sleep.
(SCOFFS) Sounds like a load of crap.
I agree, but, you know,
the telehealth company I work for
wants me to encourage
my therapy clients to buy them.
So you're selling lamps now?
Let me talk to Chip.
I mean, his business is going crazy.
I'm sure he could find a job for you.
Mom, wouldn't that job be in Michigan?
Well, I didn't say there
wouldn't be adjustments.
Please. Mom, we moved here
for a reason.
To hurt me.
No.
Gemma got a very impressive job here.
(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah.
But she was
telling me that she's over it.
Right, Gemma?
I-I didn't say "over it."
No, I don't blame you.
Who wants to work for
some fancy private school
where everyone gets a gold star?
Even the slow kids.
- Whoa.
- (GROANS)
Definitely didn't say "slow kids."
Mom, please,
I know that you love Michigan,
but our lives are here.
Plus, Grover just started
a new high school.
Oh, yeah, where he's
covering himself with tattoos.
One tattoo, Mom.
Well, in Kalamazoo,
kids don't get tattoos.
Because they're not in gangs.
Grover is not in a gang.
We can't even get him to join a club.
Well, I'm just glad
you're all so happy here.
I mean,
if you're choosing
to pay these California taxes,
it must be worth it.
It is worth it.
We have beautiful beaches.
Yeah. We never go to them,
but we could.
Daphne's finally down, and we
are never giving her cake again.
Marty, we've got problems.
Look at your phone.
Connor's mom is in
the parents group chat
complaining that your mom overstepped
and disciplined her child.
Yeah, well, her child
pulled Daphne's hair.
A-ha! Wha
Hey, man, where did all the cake go?
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Uh-oh. It's Doris.
What, the daycare director?
- Decline. Just decline.
- Yeah, don't answer it.
- Courtney, you can decline it.
- Don't answer! Courtney!
Hello? Hi!
Ms. Doris.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Sure.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, I understand.
Thank you.
Well, that was a lot of "uh-huhs."
Your mom
- Uh-huh?
- Uh-huh?
has been banned from daycare.
Oh, damn.
What are we gonna do?
We can't tell her, it'll destroy her.
We have to tell her something.
Oh, no, we don't. Listen,
you heard Pop.
When she gets stressed out like this,
everything goes through him.
- Yes. Yes.
- Yes. Yes.
Okay, uh,
"Daddy, we have a problem."
Why does everything in this town
have to be vegan?
DAVE: It doesn't.
GEMMA: And froyo
isn't vegan.
PAULA: I-I just want to know
who canceled ice cream.
Calvin!
Come here.
Can I ask you a question?
Of course.
Why does this keep happening?
Everybody in L.A.
thinks my name is Karen.
You know, because
you be "carin' so much."
That is definitely the reason.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh, goodness.
- Uh-oh.
- What?
I got a text from Marty.
Says Tina's been banned from daycare.
What? Why?
This is all I have right there.
Oh, my God.
She's gonna be so upset.
Not on my watch.
Let me text the boys back
in the group text
and just let them know,
"stay out of this."
"I will keep TN-Tina
from blowing her top."
Did you hear that?
Oh, that is so the perfect nickname.
Isn't that right? Ba-boom!
(PHONES CHIME)
Okay, good. Dad says he's handling it.
Oh, damn.
Pop sent the text
to the "Butler Fam" chat.
Your mom is in that one.
We are all gonna die!
(SHOUTING)
Daddy, what have you done?
What are you talking about?
That text.
About TN-Tina blowing her top?
You sent it to the group
with Mama in it.
No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- Yes, you did.
- Look, look
- (TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)
We are in this one.
You want the one she's not in.
Oh, damn, I did.
You did.
Look, it is a group chat.
You check and double-check,
and if all else fails, you unsend.
But it's too late now.
The die has been cast.
Hey, Marty, Marty!
Get ahold of yourself.
All right, look,
I'll just say that
you didn't like the cake
that your mama picked out,
and that you want coconut,
and you thought she would be mad.
So, that's it.
Say it with me. Coconut.
- Coconut.
- Coconut.
- Coconut.
- Coconut. That's it.
How do you explain
calling her "TN-Tina"?
(GROANS)
Okay, you know what?
I'll just say that
she's hot like a firecracker.
- Oh, oh.
- Huh?
- Yeah, man. That is
- Come on.
- It just came from nowhere.
- From nowhere.
I landed the plane with that one.
- (IMITATES BEEPING)
- You see me? (SHOUTS)
She gonna love that.
She gonna love it.
And she is not here screaming at us,
so maybe she hasn't seen it yet.
- That's a good point.
- Yeah.
We still got time to smash her phone.
PAULA: Oh, Chip.
No,
Tom Selleck hasn't stolen me
away from you yet.
He's so funny.
Okay, good night, honey.
No.
No, I can't.
They're right here.
Oh.
Yeah, we're right here, Chip!
- Bye.
- So, how's Chip?
Besides horny?
He's fine. Oh, and guess what?
He has a job for you.
(SIGHS) Mom, I told you,
I don't want to sell cars.
Your passion is selling lamps?
They're making you sell lamps now?
Oh, honey.
Okay.
And the job wouldn't even be in sales.
Mom, I told you, I don't want the job.
Because you'd be a nepo baby?
Nobody has to know
he's rocking your mommy's world.
Oh, my God.
That wasn't the issue,
although now,
it will haunt me forever.
Mom,
for the hundredth time,
we live in Los Angeles.
All right.
I get it.
I had to try.
And you know I only do this
because I love you and I miss you,
and I just wish
you weren't so far away.
That's actually sweet.
Rocking her world?
(GROANS)
Okay.
Looks like the coast is clear.
Her phone's right there.
Okay, what's her password?
Don't worry about that.
Everybody, just clear
watch out for shrapnel.
- No, Daddy, you don't have to
- Oh, no, no!
- Hey!
- Hey!
What's up? How y'all doing?
Good, we good. How you doing?
That's the real question.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
That's Where did my phone go?
- That's what I'm looking for
- You know, I don't know.
You know, how about we go to the store
and get you a new one.
MARTY: Yeah, yeah. That's good.
You know, I hear the cameras
are so much better now.
Oh. Okay, fine, but before we go,
a quick question.
Who's "TN-Tina"?
- Damn it! This is bad.
- I should've run.
So, who is TN-Tina?
Yeah, that's the question.
- That is the question.
- That's the question right there.
You know, TN-Tina is you, babe.
- Mm.
- 'Cause you hot like a firecracker.
(CHUCKLES) You like that, don't you?
I do not.
That's all I got.
Daddy, come on, what happened
to flying the plane?
You were flying the plane.
Wait. Wait a minute.
Why are you so worried
I'm gonna blow my top?
It's-it's about the cake.
We have decided we want coconut.
- Coconut.
- Oh.
Okay, that makes sense,
'cause you're allergic,
so you want your whole chest
to break out in a big itchy rash
on your wedding day.
Daddy made us lie!
Uh-huh. I knew it.
He don't know!
It's not my fault that y'all
sent our grandbaby
to a little punk-ass preschool.
Wait, wait a minute.
What are y'all talking about?
Ma, it's it's about that
little boy that you yelled at.
I did not yell at that little boy.
When do I yell at kids?!
Regardless, Doris has
Go on.
banned you from daycare.
Banned?
Mm-mm.
Oh. I see.
Well, I would love to tell Doris
my side of the story, so
I'll stop by and say hi.
(ALL STAMMERING)
I don't think that's a good idea.
Now, now, do not worry about me, okay?
I'll just have a quick chat with Doris
and maybe take away
something she loves.
- No, Mama.
- Oh, no, she's gonna blow! She's gonna blow!
Get the keys! Somebody get the keys!
- Move out of my way!
- Mama
(SHOUTING)
(CALVIN STAMMERING)
(GRUNTING)
(SHOUTING)
Hey, how was dropping
your mom off at the airport?
Well, she very helpfully
alerted security
to three possible terrorists
at the bag drop.
O for three, by the way.
Well, now she's Chip's problem.
I gotta say,
he's kind of good for her.
Yeah, she did seem happy.
It's just so insulting that
she would think that I would
drop everything and go work
for the great and powerful Chip.
(IMITATING CHIP): Oh, I'm
the Phantom. I sell cars.
(CHUCKLES)
Although I checked out his website,
it's actually pretty impressive.
Yeah, I looked at it.
Seems snazzy enough.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Somebody's texting me from Kalamazoo.
(SCOFFS) It's Chip.
"Hey, sport."
You're not my dad, Chip.
It's okay, Dave.
"Just wanted to give you
a few deets on the job."
Not fooling anyone
with the "deets," grandpa.
Huh.
"VP of Human Resources"?
Isn't that kind of good?
I mean, it is.
In a different world, that would
be right up my alley, but
it's in Kalamazoo and we live in L.A.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, we do.
We could go to the beach right now.
You want to go right now?
I don't know. Traffic.
Look, babe, I'm sorry
that you're having
to deal with all of this.
I mean,
you got enough on your plate
with the wedding
coming up in two weeks,
and all these super-sensitive parents
snitching you out
basically over nothing.
I'm not mad at them, Calvin.
I'm mad at you.
Me?
Yes.
After all our years
we've been together,
I don't want you thinking
that you have to manage me.
I was just trying
to protect your feelings.
Why, 'cause you didn't want
TN-Tina to go off?
I didn't make up that nickname.
Well, who did?
Okay, I did.
But it was actually kind of funny
before you found out about it.
Calvin, you're always saying
people should
talk things out, be more direct.
Maybe you could
show me the same respect,
instead of going around,
texting behind my back.
Okay.
I mean, you're right. My bad.
But, just for the record,
I'm not the only one in this marriage
who isn't always direct.
What are you talking about?
(CHUCKLES)
My favorite Adidas tracksuit?
The one I accidentally
spilled bleach on?
I mean, come on.
It was older than Malcolm.
You insisted on going out in it.
You wore the "A" off.
It just said "didas."
Well, you don't need the words
if you got the stripes.
The people know.
Okay, fine.
I could have been more direct,
just like you could have been.
- And I will be.
- Thank you.
Come here, girl. Come on.
I mean,
you really didn't like
when I said you were
hot like a firecracker?
I kind of liked it.
In that case,
it's about to be the
Fourth of July up in here, girl.
(LAUGHS)
Well, all right!
♪
I don't know, it could be
therapeutic for you, Jerry.
The heat of the lightbulb
releases the negative ions
in the Himalayan salt.
JERRY: Will this help me with
my online shopping addiction?
No. Uh
No, J-Jerry,
it's a lamp made out of salt.
It won't do anything for anybody.
Well, I guess I'll try it.
No-no, Jerry.
Stop buying garbage on the Internet,
and go see a real therapist,
which is what I used to be.
So, is the shipping free?
Goodbye, Jerry.
♪
"Gemma
I've been thinking."
(PHONE WHOOSHES)
(PHONE CHIMES)
Whoa.
No, no, no, no, no. Dave.
You put this in the group chat.
(PHONES CHIME)
BOTH: "Maybe going to
Kalamazoo is not so crazy."
sync & corrections awaqeded