The Goldbergs s08e19 Episode Script
Daddy Daughter Day 2
1
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
it felt like I grew up at school.
From crashing assemblies
to crushing school dances,
I found lots of ways to leave my mark.
But that didn't matter now
that I was an upperclassman,
'cause nothing cemented your legacy
quite like your senior prank.
Fellow seniors,
throw out your prank suggestions.
No bad ideas.
We all come to school
wearing turtlenecks.
There are bad ideas.
What if, at lunch,
we grill a ton of hot dogs
and just give them
to whoever wants them?
That's not a prank, okay?
That's a minor league
baseball promotion.
We could do something to
the William Penn statue.
Nooo!
This statue is off-limits
to all pranks.
William Penn is my personal hero.
Wasn't he expelled from Oxford
and jailed a bunch?
Don't believe everything you
read in our textbooks, Goldberg.
And keep your mitts off him.
I mean, we gotta hit that statue now.
Ball basically just told us to.
What if we just dressed him up
in an embarrassing outfit?
Adam, you have tons of
shameful costumes, right?
Normally, I'd jump at the chance
to show off my collection
of screen-worn memorabilia,
but Principal Ball
made it pretty clear
that statue's a big no-no.
Dude, this is our senior prank.
It's our last chance.
Once we're adults,
pranks are called crimes.
Adam, don't you have
that furry Alf costume?
You mean my Bigfoot costume?
Is that what that was?
It seemed Never mind.
If we pull this off, we'll
be total rock stars.
That's it!
What about avant garde
singer-showman David Bowie?
It's perfect!
We can put him in
a flamboyant spaceman jumpsuit
and paint a lightning bolt on his face.
But whatever we do,
don't tell anyone, okay?
If we get caught,
we could get suspended.
Oh, no. I didn't want to get suspended.
But I couldn't let my friends down.
Poopsie-pie.
Your slumping frame
wouldn't have anything to do
with the senior prank, would it?
Principal Ball told the faculty
to be on high alert.
No.
Maybe.
I'm so conflicted, Mama.
Ohh. You can share anything with me.
Secrets. Soup.
Vows we write to each other
and then exchange
in an intimate ceremony
between family and friends.
I guess I'm okay with the soup.
But my friends asked me to desecrate
the William Penn statue.
If I get caught,
NYU will never let me in.
Now, as Quaker Warden,
I'll put a stop to it.
But no one can know it was me.
Mama is always discreet.
And if you still want to
make your mark,
I have the perfect idea
a mother-son prank.
- Mm!
- How about a mother-son
quietly go their separate ways?
Yes, you're in.
You'll go up at assembly and say,
"My mama was the best part
about high school,"
and then I'll go up
and give you kissies!
That's not a prank.
That's just me
committing social suicide.
Ohh, son. [Laughs]
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was April 28th, 1980-something,
and Erica was trying to
distract herself
- from her breakup with Geoff.
- [Doorbell rings]
Until this happened.
Geoff.
Heyyy, you.
Heyy back at ya.
- [Door closes]
- I'm sorry. It's
It's weird I'm here.
Sure, we have a rich romantic history,
but stuff happens,
and then it stops happening.
As you know, today would
have been our 5th anniversary.
I guess it would. Five's a big one.
Was a big one, I mean.
Not for me, though, because
I celebrate the small ones,
like 3, 6, 17, and
Okay, you talk again.
We had that dinner
at Le Bec Fin planned,
and I figured since we already
paid and it's non-refundable
that maybe
Maybe
Maybe you could give this to Barry?
Barry! Oh! Pshh!
That's why you're here!
That makes sense.
I mean, passing my little bro
our special night.
I'm just gonna go.
[Door opens, closes]
Schmoodle, are you okay?
- [Voice breaking] I'm not okay.
- Bring it in.
Make Mama's sweater
sparkle with your tears.
He said to give it to Barry,
but I'm not gonna give it to Barry.
I'm gonna start a fire and
I'm gonna put it in the fire
and then I'm gonna jump into the fire!
[Crying]
Okay, Murray, I need a box of
tissues, fashion magazines,
and a block of chocolate
big enough to dance on.
My baby needs her mama!
- [TV shuts off]
- I got a better idea.
I'll handle it.
Up-bup. Handle what?
Oh, the blubbering one.
No offense, Murray, but when
Barry had a broken heart,
you told him to zip it
or take it outside.
That's because
"She's the Sheriff" was on.
- This is different.
- I don't know.
Wait till she hears
what I have in store for her.
She's gonna love it!
It's Daddy Daughter Day!
It was a classic move.
Back in the day, my dad took
my sister to this very rink
for some quality
father-daughter bonding.
But I haven't been here in years,
and I was so young and stupid,
and I think you might be
wearing the same shirt.
Come on. It'll melt
all your troubles away.
Besides, I didn't eat salt this morning
so my skates would fit.
- One lap.
- Let's do it.
While my dad and sister got on wheels,
my mom was helping me
hit the brakes on my prank.
You sure you were discreet?
Don't worry, Schmoo.
I sent Principal Ball a memo
made with cut-up words out of magazine,
like a ransom note.
I should have been a kidnapper.
If it makes you feel any better,
you did steal most of my childhood.
It does. Ta!
Better luck next time, seniors.
I just got a hot tip
from an anonymous oddball
that Billy P here
is about to be pranked,
so he will be locked away
till graduation.
Point, Ball.
- Holy crap! It worked!
- What worked?
Don't be mad?
Everybody inside!
It's happening!
[Gasping]
Whoever pulled this one off
best prank in years.
That means a lot
coming from the teacher
who rides a motorcycle
despite all the safety data.
If the devil wants to take me,
he's got to catch me first.
What an amazing
life lesson to tell children.
You guys did this without me?
Look, we love that
you're a sweet, nice boy,
which is why we kind of counted
on you to blab to your mom.
And that got Principal Ball
fixated on the statue outside
so we could get
these sweet beasts inside.
Did you know donkeys have
phenomenal memories
and a logical, flexible
approach to problem-solving?
Thanks, Jack Hanna.
But I kind of am focusing on
the fact that you used me.
If anything, you were
the most important part.
Right after securing and transporting
two donkeys in secrecy.
The burros are making love
in the computer lab.
- [Donkey brays]
- Damn it!
It's such a good prank.
As my friends had made an ass of me,
my dad was trying not to fall on his.
See? We're doing the thing.
Sort of doing it.
You hit that cone, fell,
and you said, "Leave me."
But you didn't.
And here we are,
about to finish our first lap.
At least no one's here to witness it.
Well, almost no one.
Erica Goldberg? [Gasps]
I haven't seen you in forever, bitch.
I know bitch.
Yo, guy. I'm Carla.
Erica's best friend from high school.
That's my dad.
You've met him like 100 times.
Oh, yeah!
I didn't recognize you
with your pants on.
[Laughs] Oh, man.
I can't even count how many dads
I've said that to.
I don't like you.
I'm going to get a Fanta.
Do you work here?
I'm a Rink Lady.
I'm in charge of, like, so many
kids' safety, it's stupid.
So, where's Geoff?
We actually broke up.
Was it a passion killing?
No, just your standard, boring breakup.
Honestly, in high school,
I pooh-poohed dweebs like Geoff,
but in the rearview mirror
of my chaotic life,
he's the whole package.
Hey, babe. Other babe.
Erica and Geoff split up.
That sweet-faced douche-nugget
is on the market?
You gotta swoop in, and swoop fast!
But what about us?
We're talking Geoff Schwartz here.
He's grade-A marriage material.
He's gonna be an optometrist.
- An ophthalmologist.
- What?
A real medical doctor
who can perform retinal surgeries
including radial keratotomy?
If you don't swoop in, I will.
Well, you don't really need me here
to figure out
who's gonna swoop in, so
- We're leaving.
- MURRAY: Already?
Don't you remember this claw machine?
I'm trying to win you
that unicorn you always wanted.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Ohhh!
What does it take?
Murray, let's just get out of here
before anyone else finds out
how pathetic my life is.
JOHNNY: This one goes out to Erica,
who just broke up with
solid catch Geoff Schwartz.
There's an eye man
on the table, ladies.
ADULT ADAM:
While Erica fled from her past,
I sought advice to cement my legacy.
Bar, I'm in trouble.
Wait. What are you doing?
We're out of TP,
so I'm improvising. Cheggit.
Hey, you did something good with a saw.
Now, tell your wise brother your woes.
Well, my friends used me
to pull a prank.
A tale as old as time,
but your situation is
even worse than you think.
Worse?
If you're not actively involved
in a senior prank,
no one will remember you.
Like Seth Snider?
The son of the pretzel baron?
Not even a little.
He graduated my year
without a prank to his name.
I only remember him
'cause he had that weird thing
on his nose.
- That thing was weird. What was that?
- No one will ever know.
Well, probably him
and the dermatologist
and the insurance company
and his friends and family
and anyone who isn't afraid to ask.
Long list. Anyway. Let's get prankin'.
But pranks get you in trouble!
Look, you may not have
the courage, the mental agility,
- the hunger
- Sure, but
the physical prowess,
the danger in your eyes,
- the cunning wit.
- I get it.
- The muscles in your arms, legs, or back.
- Get to it!
But you do have something
no one, including me, ever had.
Juvenile arthritis?
Access.
Access to what?
To the school, dummy.
Mom works there now, and she has keys.
But she's not just gonna
hand me keys to the school.
The way I see it, you either
figure out a way to those keys
or be flushed away in history.
Your choice, nerd.
I'll take this, too. It's fun.
Sadly, Barry was right.
If I wanted to be remembered,
I needed to do something big.
Not so fast!
She's among us!
What are you doing in my purse?
I was just looking for this tampon.
Oh, my God.
You were looking for my keys
to pull a prank at school.
She caught me red-handed.
There was only one thing to do
tell her the truth.
- Mm, kinda.
- Rats. Phooey.
I guess the mother-son prank is off.
Mother-son prank? [Scoffs]
Like I'd ever believe that.
I got to thinking,
what better way for
my judgy peers to remember me by
than with a very public
love note to the woman
You came out of.
I was gonna say "raised me," but sure.
Well, that makes a tremendous
amount of sense.
Just for fun, what would
that giant banner of love say?
I guess I'd go with something like,
- "Adam Loves His Mama."
- [Gasps]
You are such a good writer.
But too bad.
Without the keys, it's not happening.
The world will just have to
wonder, do I love you?
Tell you what.
I'm just gonna forget
my keys right here.
[Keys clack]
And if anyone chooses to
come looking for them,
I'd never know.
There they were. I finally had my
Whoa! I, uh
I need my P.O. box key.
A lot of mail-order shopping
your dad would frown upon.
- [Keys clack]
- Oop!
Clumsy me, forgetting my keys again.
I had the access.
Now all I had to do was
I forgot my Mace.
You know, with my blond hair
and curvy physique,
I'm a magnet for pervs.
- There.
- [Keys clack]
[Whispering] I was never here.
And with that,
I officially had the keys
to unlock my legacy.
After duping my mom into giving
me the keys to the school,
I was one prank away
from being a legend.
- Hello, brother.
- Gah! Barry!
Were you just sitting
in the dark waiting for me?
Just for three short hours.
Not important.
What's important is that prank
you're trying to pull.
Well, I was thinking
I'd sneak into Ball's office
and write him
an anonymous thank-you note
for a great four years.
Then you douse it in kerosene,
walk away in slow motion,
and throw a lit match behind you?
Just the kind note.
But maybe I'll throw in
a handful of those
butterscotches he likes.
That's not a prank!
That's a cherished memory
of his impact as an educator!
- I'm coming with you.
- What? Why?
My legacy as a badass
at William Penn Academy
will be tarnished forever
if you do something
like put a daisy in everyone's locker.
Ooh, maybe with a little
lavender for a playful pop of
- Oh, my God. You have to help me.
- Don't worry.
With my know-how
and you having the keys,
we can't lose.
Ha ha. Boom!
This high-traffic area
is fully greased.
Just adding some finishing touches.
What is that? What are you doing?
Adding rock salt.
- Don't want the floor to be too slippery.
- Yes, you do.
How is anyone gonna hurtle
themselves into the locker,
possibly needing to go to the
hospital while everyone giggles?
I don't want to hurt anyone.
Tell me you didn't take
the Saran Wrap off the toilets.
Of course not!
I just hung up signs saying
"Warning: these toilets
are Saran-Wrapped."
You're gonna disgrace the Goldberg name
by not disgracing the Goldberg name!
I'm gonna go find a locker to punch.
And I'm gonna run a mop over this
to save the janitor the trouble.
Barry was right.
I was a good boy,
doomed to be forgotten
until I saw something
that changed all of that.
Where are you going?
Home. This was a huge mistake.
I admit taking a Fanta
out onto the rink
with all the signs telling
you not to was a big mistake,
but we should talk.
You want to talk?
You're famously bad at that.
Yeah, that's because
I'm usually tired, bored,
or disinterested,
or there's something better on TV.
But I'm good. Let's talk.
Fine. Let's talk.
And so, just like the last
Daddy Daughter Day,
my dad got my sister to open up.
Geoff was the first boy who
ever told me that he loved me.
Of course, this time
it wasn't teenage girl stuff.
It was real adult relationship stuff.
I mean, he ate what I ate,
watched what I watched,
yawned when I yawned
which is a natural reaction to yawns,
but I mean, come on, man.
Yawn for yourself.
But then, something insane happened
my dad actually rose to the occasion.
And how'd that make you feel?
Wait, are you actually
engaging me on this topic?
It doesn't come naturally,
but tell me about the pain.
It was amazing.
My dad didn't just listen to Erica,
he was there for her.
Not a day goes by I'm not terrified
that I completely destroyed my life.
- You know what I mean?
- I do.
Normally, all the deep talk
and intimate details
would have spun our dad out
And I miss his kiss.
He weirdly had the softest lips,
and he didn't even use ChapStick.
but not today.
It's the small things
that we miss the most.
Dad, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but thanks.
It feels really good
to talk about this stuff.
JOHNNY: Attention, rink-rollers.
It's closing time.
You don't have to roll home,
but you can't roll here.
Well, that was fun.
Well, why should it end now?
Let's turn our Daddy Daughter Day
into a Daddy Daughter Night.
What a weird and uncomfortable
turn of phrase,
but what do we even do?
Wait. Did you give
that voucher to Barry?
You mean the one that's
for my anniversary dinner?
You mean our Daddy Daughter Dinner?
Come on. I was right
about this, wasn't I?
Not only that,
but they have beef Wellington!
That's meat inside a loaf of bread.
Science is real.
I guess.
Dinner with my Peanut! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Erica.
So how's your mom?
She ever mention me?
Actually, yes.
She's constantly reminding me
and my brothers
that if we don't try hard
and graduate from college,
then we'll end up like Johnny Atkins.
Noice!
Say "what's up" back. [Chuckles]
ADULT ADAM: While my dad and
Erica were off to a fancy meal,
I was on my way to school
to dress up our distinguished namesake.
It's our beloved founder
dressed in a way I think would
make him uncomfortable
if he were alive.
The dork you've trusted with nothing
has done that which you could not.
Bowie. Nice!
Now that's a prank. [Laughs]
Oh, no. His stern demeanor
has been vanquished.
Who would do such a thing?!
- 'Tis I!
- Goldberg, move.
Somebody behind you just admitted it
- in the stupidest possible way.
- No, it was Goldberg.
He's mocking William Penn
and you at the same time.
I'm best friends
with the guy who did that.
And I'm dating him.
And look! I said it out loud
without any hesitation.
[Students chanting] Adam!
Schmoo, I don't understand.
Is this part of the mother-son prank?
Sorry, Mom, but there's no such thing
as a mother-son prank.
But you're a good boy who
would never deceive his mama.
Turns out I'm a bad boy
who feeds off
the adulation of my peers.
I'm a legend! We did it, Billy P!
[Rumble]
Oh, no. Somebody stop it!
It's heading directly
for my sweet ride!
[Gasps]
Oh, balls!
Oh, no, please! Oh, no.
I'm not a mechanic, but these
things buff out, right?
Adam, you're in big trouble.
You did the one thing
I asked you not to,
and you destroyed
a beloved faculty member's
only mode of transportation.
- It's okay.
- BEVERLY: And what's worse,
you gently lied about
celebrating our love
in front of your friends and teachers.
While my prank had gone sour,
my sister and Dad
were enjoying the sweet life
at Philly's best restaurant.
Welcome, lovers.
Mademoiselle Erica. Monsieur Geoff.
Uh, no lovers.
I'm not Geoff.
I'm the girl's father.
It is your night.
You are whoever you want to be.
Geoff must have
planned this months ago.
This is a culinary journey
through our relationship.
Okay, could you take these menus
and just bring in the regular ones?
But that would be
an entirely new charge.
- We'll push through.
- Ohh, look at the back.
Why don't you just bring us the food?
Dad, I just don't
feel right about this.
So we had a little hiccup
with the menu.
We're gonna have a great time.
But they weren't.
They super weren't.
Looks exactly like my prom corsage.
Not anymore.
Bon appétit.
And it only got worse from there.
For mademoiselle, your favorite,
coq au vin,
and for the gentleman, trout almondine.
Why is it cut into teensy pieces?
Geoff was terrified of choking,
'cause he always did.
God, I miss him so much.
Don't, because he wasn't special.
All men like a pre-cut
piece of trout. [Laughs]
There's no way
I'm ordering pizza later.
And then he brought out the face cake.
- Really, guy?
- I can't even look at it.
Mmm. Oh, my God.
There's chocolate mousse on the inside!
Like the moose that we saw
when we went upstate.
I believe that was the intention.
You're not getting a tip.
You already generously
included it, Monsieur Schwartz.
I'm not him!
Why can't you get that?
Why can't you get that
I didn't want to come here?
- Peanut
- No, don't "Peanut" me.
I don't know why I thought
you of all people
would make me feel better.
[Scoffs]
After destroying my legacy
and the coolest teacher
in school's motorcycle,
there was nothing left to do
but apologize.
Hey, Mr. P.
I heard that you
take the bus now that
My bike was flattened by a Quaker
dressed like an omnisexual rock god?
Quick and to the point.
Wait, why are you on the bus?
My mom's form of punishment.
But hey, this isn't so bad, am I right?
You are not.
I used to be king of the road.
Now I ride a yellow bus with children.
Damn it!
Was that your spitball, Levi Douglas?
I will go over these seats!
It's like the bus kids
don't know how cool you are.
They don't. You see these shades?
One of these lame-os asked me
if they were medical.
You're medical!
If you want to hate me forever,
I wouldn't blame you.
Oh, please.
I know you're a good kid.
[Laughter]
Unlike Scott Wasserman!
I will date your mom!
But I ruined everything for you.
You were just trying to make your mark,
but you didn't realize you already had.
As a nerdy everyman?
Being a nerd is not that special.
That's kind of my whole schtick.
But you're not gonna be
remembered that way.
You're gonna be remembered
as a sweet, thoughtful kid
that everyone likes.
I can't believe you can still
think those things about me
after what I did.
One mistake doesn't change who you are.
- But let's just keep it to one.
- Definitely.
Pudding, huh? Okay.
Ol' Perott's got hard-boiled eggs!
You brought a knife to a gunfight!
Thanks to
the coolest teacher in school,
I was off the hook.
But the same couldn't
be said for my dad.
You were right. I was so over my head.
Okay, well, I'll take over from here.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not giving up.
No offense, but giving up
is kind of your thing.
Not tonight.
[Roxy Music's "More Than This" plays]
Oh, my God, Dad. Please, no more.
Get this
there's nothing I can do to help you.
That's it?
I mean, even with no expectations,
that's brutal, man.
I know I'm no good at this,
but I can't stand to see you like this.
Look at you.
It's like you actually care.
I do care,
more than you could possibly know.
But, [Sighs] breakups are really hard,
and the only thing you can do
is live through it.
So you tried distracting me
with roller skating?
I blew it.
Not entirely.
Like that time you fell.
And then that other time you fell.
I stink at roller skating.
Yeah, but you are a pretty okay dad.
Look at you.
I came in here to make you feel better,
and you're making me feel better.
Well, what can I say?
I'm a pretty okay daughter.
I think you're the best daughter.
The unicorn?
How many quarters
did you spend to get this?
Too many, and then I had to
bribe your scary friend
to open up the machine.
More than this
Sometimes we spend so much time
worrying about
the relationships we lost
that we forget about
the ones we still have.
Where are you taking me?
You'll see.
Tell me one thing
[Gasps] The mother-son prank!
Ohh! Only it's not a prank
and it says all the words!
- I'm sorry I tricked you.
- [Sighs]
Adam, I'm never gonna forget this.
And neither will
the rest of the school.
[Chuckles]
Yeah, it's impossible to know
exactly how you'll be remembered,
but what we can control
is the love we give
and the time we take
to actually be there for each other.
More than this
In the end, that's a legacy
anyone would be proud to have.
More than this
Whoo! You still got it, Mama.
Yes, you do! Mm.
- Truer words have never been spoken.
- Johnny Atkins?
Someone's got Johnny on the brain.
I'll tell the kids I ran into you.
Or we can run into each other
over drinks.
I'm sorry?
You will be!
Wh Carla?
I thought you died!
Just for 6 minutes.
And you're the one that's in
trouble, talking to my man!
How dare either of you
speak to me like that.
You're lucky I don't call your parents.
She just got hotter.
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
it felt like I grew up at school.
From crashing assemblies
to crushing school dances,
I found lots of ways to leave my mark.
But that didn't matter now
that I was an upperclassman,
'cause nothing cemented your legacy
quite like your senior prank.
Fellow seniors,
throw out your prank suggestions.
No bad ideas.
We all come to school
wearing turtlenecks.
There are bad ideas.
What if, at lunch,
we grill a ton of hot dogs
and just give them
to whoever wants them?
That's not a prank, okay?
That's a minor league
baseball promotion.
We could do something to
the William Penn statue.
Nooo!
This statue is off-limits
to all pranks.
William Penn is my personal hero.
Wasn't he expelled from Oxford
and jailed a bunch?
Don't believe everything you
read in our textbooks, Goldberg.
And keep your mitts off him.
I mean, we gotta hit that statue now.
Ball basically just told us to.
What if we just dressed him up
in an embarrassing outfit?
Adam, you have tons of
shameful costumes, right?
Normally, I'd jump at the chance
to show off my collection
of screen-worn memorabilia,
but Principal Ball
made it pretty clear
that statue's a big no-no.
Dude, this is our senior prank.
It's our last chance.
Once we're adults,
pranks are called crimes.
Adam, don't you have
that furry Alf costume?
You mean my Bigfoot costume?
Is that what that was?
It seemed Never mind.
If we pull this off, we'll
be total rock stars.
That's it!
What about avant garde
singer-showman David Bowie?
It's perfect!
We can put him in
a flamboyant spaceman jumpsuit
and paint a lightning bolt on his face.
But whatever we do,
don't tell anyone, okay?
If we get caught,
we could get suspended.
Oh, no. I didn't want to get suspended.
But I couldn't let my friends down.
Poopsie-pie.
Your slumping frame
wouldn't have anything to do
with the senior prank, would it?
Principal Ball told the faculty
to be on high alert.
No.
Maybe.
I'm so conflicted, Mama.
Ohh. You can share anything with me.
Secrets. Soup.
Vows we write to each other
and then exchange
in an intimate ceremony
between family and friends.
I guess I'm okay with the soup.
But my friends asked me to desecrate
the William Penn statue.
If I get caught,
NYU will never let me in.
Now, as Quaker Warden,
I'll put a stop to it.
But no one can know it was me.
Mama is always discreet.
And if you still want to
make your mark,
I have the perfect idea
a mother-son prank.
- Mm!
- How about a mother-son
quietly go their separate ways?
Yes, you're in.
You'll go up at assembly and say,
"My mama was the best part
about high school,"
and then I'll go up
and give you kissies!
That's not a prank.
That's just me
committing social suicide.
Ohh, son. [Laughs]
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was April 28th, 1980-something,
and Erica was trying to
distract herself
- from her breakup with Geoff.
- [Doorbell rings]
Until this happened.
Geoff.
Heyyy, you.
Heyy back at ya.
- [Door closes]
- I'm sorry. It's
It's weird I'm here.
Sure, we have a rich romantic history,
but stuff happens,
and then it stops happening.
As you know, today would
have been our 5th anniversary.
I guess it would. Five's a big one.
Was a big one, I mean.
Not for me, though, because
I celebrate the small ones,
like 3, 6, 17, and
Okay, you talk again.
We had that dinner
at Le Bec Fin planned,
and I figured since we already
paid and it's non-refundable
that maybe
Maybe
Maybe you could give this to Barry?
Barry! Oh! Pshh!
That's why you're here!
That makes sense.
I mean, passing my little bro
our special night.
I'm just gonna go.
[Door opens, closes]
Schmoodle, are you okay?
- [Voice breaking] I'm not okay.
- Bring it in.
Make Mama's sweater
sparkle with your tears.
He said to give it to Barry,
but I'm not gonna give it to Barry.
I'm gonna start a fire and
I'm gonna put it in the fire
and then I'm gonna jump into the fire!
[Crying]
Okay, Murray, I need a box of
tissues, fashion magazines,
and a block of chocolate
big enough to dance on.
My baby needs her mama!
- [TV shuts off]
- I got a better idea.
I'll handle it.
Up-bup. Handle what?
Oh, the blubbering one.
No offense, Murray, but when
Barry had a broken heart,
you told him to zip it
or take it outside.
That's because
"She's the Sheriff" was on.
- This is different.
- I don't know.
Wait till she hears
what I have in store for her.
She's gonna love it!
It's Daddy Daughter Day!
It was a classic move.
Back in the day, my dad took
my sister to this very rink
for some quality
father-daughter bonding.
But I haven't been here in years,
and I was so young and stupid,
and I think you might be
wearing the same shirt.
Come on. It'll melt
all your troubles away.
Besides, I didn't eat salt this morning
so my skates would fit.
- One lap.
- Let's do it.
While my dad and sister got on wheels,
my mom was helping me
hit the brakes on my prank.
You sure you were discreet?
Don't worry, Schmoo.
I sent Principal Ball a memo
made with cut-up words out of magazine,
like a ransom note.
I should have been a kidnapper.
If it makes you feel any better,
you did steal most of my childhood.
It does. Ta!
Better luck next time, seniors.
I just got a hot tip
from an anonymous oddball
that Billy P here
is about to be pranked,
so he will be locked away
till graduation.
Point, Ball.
- Holy crap! It worked!
- What worked?
Don't be mad?
Everybody inside!
It's happening!
[Gasping]
Whoever pulled this one off
best prank in years.
That means a lot
coming from the teacher
who rides a motorcycle
despite all the safety data.
If the devil wants to take me,
he's got to catch me first.
What an amazing
life lesson to tell children.
You guys did this without me?
Look, we love that
you're a sweet, nice boy,
which is why we kind of counted
on you to blab to your mom.
And that got Principal Ball
fixated on the statue outside
so we could get
these sweet beasts inside.
Did you know donkeys have
phenomenal memories
and a logical, flexible
approach to problem-solving?
Thanks, Jack Hanna.
But I kind of am focusing on
the fact that you used me.
If anything, you were
the most important part.
Right after securing and transporting
two donkeys in secrecy.
The burros are making love
in the computer lab.
- [Donkey brays]
- Damn it!
It's such a good prank.
As my friends had made an ass of me,
my dad was trying not to fall on his.
See? We're doing the thing.
Sort of doing it.
You hit that cone, fell,
and you said, "Leave me."
But you didn't.
And here we are,
about to finish our first lap.
At least no one's here to witness it.
Well, almost no one.
Erica Goldberg? [Gasps]
I haven't seen you in forever, bitch.
I know bitch.
Yo, guy. I'm Carla.
Erica's best friend from high school.
That's my dad.
You've met him like 100 times.
Oh, yeah!
I didn't recognize you
with your pants on.
[Laughs] Oh, man.
I can't even count how many dads
I've said that to.
I don't like you.
I'm going to get a Fanta.
Do you work here?
I'm a Rink Lady.
I'm in charge of, like, so many
kids' safety, it's stupid.
So, where's Geoff?
We actually broke up.
Was it a passion killing?
No, just your standard, boring breakup.
Honestly, in high school,
I pooh-poohed dweebs like Geoff,
but in the rearview mirror
of my chaotic life,
he's the whole package.
Hey, babe. Other babe.
Erica and Geoff split up.
That sweet-faced douche-nugget
is on the market?
You gotta swoop in, and swoop fast!
But what about us?
We're talking Geoff Schwartz here.
He's grade-A marriage material.
He's gonna be an optometrist.
- An ophthalmologist.
- What?
A real medical doctor
who can perform retinal surgeries
including radial keratotomy?
If you don't swoop in, I will.
Well, you don't really need me here
to figure out
who's gonna swoop in, so
- We're leaving.
- MURRAY: Already?
Don't you remember this claw machine?
I'm trying to win you
that unicorn you always wanted.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Ohhh!
What does it take?
Murray, let's just get out of here
before anyone else finds out
how pathetic my life is.
JOHNNY: This one goes out to Erica,
who just broke up with
solid catch Geoff Schwartz.
There's an eye man
on the table, ladies.
ADULT ADAM:
While Erica fled from her past,
I sought advice to cement my legacy.
Bar, I'm in trouble.
Wait. What are you doing?
We're out of TP,
so I'm improvising. Cheggit.
Hey, you did something good with a saw.
Now, tell your wise brother your woes.
Well, my friends used me
to pull a prank.
A tale as old as time,
but your situation is
even worse than you think.
Worse?
If you're not actively involved
in a senior prank,
no one will remember you.
Like Seth Snider?
The son of the pretzel baron?
Not even a little.
He graduated my year
without a prank to his name.
I only remember him
'cause he had that weird thing
on his nose.
- That thing was weird. What was that?
- No one will ever know.
Well, probably him
and the dermatologist
and the insurance company
and his friends and family
and anyone who isn't afraid to ask.
Long list. Anyway. Let's get prankin'.
But pranks get you in trouble!
Look, you may not have
the courage, the mental agility,
- the hunger
- Sure, but
the physical prowess,
the danger in your eyes,
- the cunning wit.
- I get it.
- The muscles in your arms, legs, or back.
- Get to it!
But you do have something
no one, including me, ever had.
Juvenile arthritis?
Access.
Access to what?
To the school, dummy.
Mom works there now, and she has keys.
But she's not just gonna
hand me keys to the school.
The way I see it, you either
figure out a way to those keys
or be flushed away in history.
Your choice, nerd.
I'll take this, too. It's fun.
Sadly, Barry was right.
If I wanted to be remembered,
I needed to do something big.
Not so fast!
She's among us!
What are you doing in my purse?
I was just looking for this tampon.
Oh, my God.
You were looking for my keys
to pull a prank at school.
She caught me red-handed.
There was only one thing to do
tell her the truth.
- Mm, kinda.
- Rats. Phooey.
I guess the mother-son prank is off.
Mother-son prank? [Scoffs]
Like I'd ever believe that.
I got to thinking,
what better way for
my judgy peers to remember me by
than with a very public
love note to the woman
You came out of.
I was gonna say "raised me," but sure.
Well, that makes a tremendous
amount of sense.
Just for fun, what would
that giant banner of love say?
I guess I'd go with something like,
- "Adam Loves His Mama."
- [Gasps]
You are such a good writer.
But too bad.
Without the keys, it's not happening.
The world will just have to
wonder, do I love you?
Tell you what.
I'm just gonna forget
my keys right here.
[Keys clack]
And if anyone chooses to
come looking for them,
I'd never know.
There they were. I finally had my
Whoa! I, uh
I need my P.O. box key.
A lot of mail-order shopping
your dad would frown upon.
- [Keys clack]
- Oop!
Clumsy me, forgetting my keys again.
I had the access.
Now all I had to do was
I forgot my Mace.
You know, with my blond hair
and curvy physique,
I'm a magnet for pervs.
- There.
- [Keys clack]
[Whispering] I was never here.
And with that,
I officially had the keys
to unlock my legacy.
After duping my mom into giving
me the keys to the school,
I was one prank away
from being a legend.
- Hello, brother.
- Gah! Barry!
Were you just sitting
in the dark waiting for me?
Just for three short hours.
Not important.
What's important is that prank
you're trying to pull.
Well, I was thinking
I'd sneak into Ball's office
and write him
an anonymous thank-you note
for a great four years.
Then you douse it in kerosene,
walk away in slow motion,
and throw a lit match behind you?
Just the kind note.
But maybe I'll throw in
a handful of those
butterscotches he likes.
That's not a prank!
That's a cherished memory
of his impact as an educator!
- I'm coming with you.
- What? Why?
My legacy as a badass
at William Penn Academy
will be tarnished forever
if you do something
like put a daisy in everyone's locker.
Ooh, maybe with a little
lavender for a playful pop of
- Oh, my God. You have to help me.
- Don't worry.
With my know-how
and you having the keys,
we can't lose.
Ha ha. Boom!
This high-traffic area
is fully greased.
Just adding some finishing touches.
What is that? What are you doing?
Adding rock salt.
- Don't want the floor to be too slippery.
- Yes, you do.
How is anyone gonna hurtle
themselves into the locker,
possibly needing to go to the
hospital while everyone giggles?
I don't want to hurt anyone.
Tell me you didn't take
the Saran Wrap off the toilets.
Of course not!
I just hung up signs saying
"Warning: these toilets
are Saran-Wrapped."
You're gonna disgrace the Goldberg name
by not disgracing the Goldberg name!
I'm gonna go find a locker to punch.
And I'm gonna run a mop over this
to save the janitor the trouble.
Barry was right.
I was a good boy,
doomed to be forgotten
until I saw something
that changed all of that.
Where are you going?
Home. This was a huge mistake.
I admit taking a Fanta
out onto the rink
with all the signs telling
you not to was a big mistake,
but we should talk.
You want to talk?
You're famously bad at that.
Yeah, that's because
I'm usually tired, bored,
or disinterested,
or there's something better on TV.
But I'm good. Let's talk.
Fine. Let's talk.
And so, just like the last
Daddy Daughter Day,
my dad got my sister to open up.
Geoff was the first boy who
ever told me that he loved me.
Of course, this time
it wasn't teenage girl stuff.
It was real adult relationship stuff.
I mean, he ate what I ate,
watched what I watched,
yawned when I yawned
which is a natural reaction to yawns,
but I mean, come on, man.
Yawn for yourself.
But then, something insane happened
my dad actually rose to the occasion.
And how'd that make you feel?
Wait, are you actually
engaging me on this topic?
It doesn't come naturally,
but tell me about the pain.
It was amazing.
My dad didn't just listen to Erica,
he was there for her.
Not a day goes by I'm not terrified
that I completely destroyed my life.
- You know what I mean?
- I do.
Normally, all the deep talk
and intimate details
would have spun our dad out
And I miss his kiss.
He weirdly had the softest lips,
and he didn't even use ChapStick.
but not today.
It's the small things
that we miss the most.
Dad, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but thanks.
It feels really good
to talk about this stuff.
JOHNNY: Attention, rink-rollers.
It's closing time.
You don't have to roll home,
but you can't roll here.
Well, that was fun.
Well, why should it end now?
Let's turn our Daddy Daughter Day
into a Daddy Daughter Night.
What a weird and uncomfortable
turn of phrase,
but what do we even do?
Wait. Did you give
that voucher to Barry?
You mean the one that's
for my anniversary dinner?
You mean our Daddy Daughter Dinner?
Come on. I was right
about this, wasn't I?
Not only that,
but they have beef Wellington!
That's meat inside a loaf of bread.
Science is real.
I guess.
Dinner with my Peanut! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Erica.
So how's your mom?
She ever mention me?
Actually, yes.
She's constantly reminding me
and my brothers
that if we don't try hard
and graduate from college,
then we'll end up like Johnny Atkins.
Noice!
Say "what's up" back. [Chuckles]
ADULT ADAM: While my dad and
Erica were off to a fancy meal,
I was on my way to school
to dress up our distinguished namesake.
It's our beloved founder
dressed in a way I think would
make him uncomfortable
if he were alive.
The dork you've trusted with nothing
has done that which you could not.
Bowie. Nice!
Now that's a prank. [Laughs]
Oh, no. His stern demeanor
has been vanquished.
Who would do such a thing?!
- 'Tis I!
- Goldberg, move.
Somebody behind you just admitted it
- in the stupidest possible way.
- No, it was Goldberg.
He's mocking William Penn
and you at the same time.
I'm best friends
with the guy who did that.
And I'm dating him.
And look! I said it out loud
without any hesitation.
[Students chanting] Adam!
Schmoo, I don't understand.
Is this part of the mother-son prank?
Sorry, Mom, but there's no such thing
as a mother-son prank.
But you're a good boy who
would never deceive his mama.
Turns out I'm a bad boy
who feeds off
the adulation of my peers.
I'm a legend! We did it, Billy P!
[Rumble]
Oh, no. Somebody stop it!
It's heading directly
for my sweet ride!
[Gasps]
Oh, balls!
Oh, no, please! Oh, no.
I'm not a mechanic, but these
things buff out, right?
Adam, you're in big trouble.
You did the one thing
I asked you not to,
and you destroyed
a beloved faculty member's
only mode of transportation.
- It's okay.
- BEVERLY: And what's worse,
you gently lied about
celebrating our love
in front of your friends and teachers.
While my prank had gone sour,
my sister and Dad
were enjoying the sweet life
at Philly's best restaurant.
Welcome, lovers.
Mademoiselle Erica. Monsieur Geoff.
Uh, no lovers.
I'm not Geoff.
I'm the girl's father.
It is your night.
You are whoever you want to be.
Geoff must have
planned this months ago.
This is a culinary journey
through our relationship.
Okay, could you take these menus
and just bring in the regular ones?
But that would be
an entirely new charge.
- We'll push through.
- Ohh, look at the back.
Why don't you just bring us the food?
Dad, I just don't
feel right about this.
So we had a little hiccup
with the menu.
We're gonna have a great time.
But they weren't.
They super weren't.
Looks exactly like my prom corsage.
Not anymore.
Bon appétit.
And it only got worse from there.
For mademoiselle, your favorite,
coq au vin,
and for the gentleman, trout almondine.
Why is it cut into teensy pieces?
Geoff was terrified of choking,
'cause he always did.
God, I miss him so much.
Don't, because he wasn't special.
All men like a pre-cut
piece of trout. [Laughs]
There's no way
I'm ordering pizza later.
And then he brought out the face cake.
- Really, guy?
- I can't even look at it.
Mmm. Oh, my God.
There's chocolate mousse on the inside!
Like the moose that we saw
when we went upstate.
I believe that was the intention.
You're not getting a tip.
You already generously
included it, Monsieur Schwartz.
I'm not him!
Why can't you get that?
Why can't you get that
I didn't want to come here?
- Peanut
- No, don't "Peanut" me.
I don't know why I thought
you of all people
would make me feel better.
[Scoffs]
After destroying my legacy
and the coolest teacher
in school's motorcycle,
there was nothing left to do
but apologize.
Hey, Mr. P.
I heard that you
take the bus now that
My bike was flattened by a Quaker
dressed like an omnisexual rock god?
Quick and to the point.
Wait, why are you on the bus?
My mom's form of punishment.
But hey, this isn't so bad, am I right?
You are not.
I used to be king of the road.
Now I ride a yellow bus with children.
Damn it!
Was that your spitball, Levi Douglas?
I will go over these seats!
It's like the bus kids
don't know how cool you are.
They don't. You see these shades?
One of these lame-os asked me
if they were medical.
You're medical!
If you want to hate me forever,
I wouldn't blame you.
Oh, please.
I know you're a good kid.
[Laughter]
Unlike Scott Wasserman!
I will date your mom!
But I ruined everything for you.
You were just trying to make your mark,
but you didn't realize you already had.
As a nerdy everyman?
Being a nerd is not that special.
That's kind of my whole schtick.
But you're not gonna be
remembered that way.
You're gonna be remembered
as a sweet, thoughtful kid
that everyone likes.
I can't believe you can still
think those things about me
after what I did.
One mistake doesn't change who you are.
- But let's just keep it to one.
- Definitely.
Pudding, huh? Okay.
Ol' Perott's got hard-boiled eggs!
You brought a knife to a gunfight!
Thanks to
the coolest teacher in school,
I was off the hook.
But the same couldn't
be said for my dad.
You were right. I was so over my head.
Okay, well, I'll take over from here.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not giving up.
No offense, but giving up
is kind of your thing.
Not tonight.
[Roxy Music's "More Than This" plays]
Oh, my God, Dad. Please, no more.
Get this
there's nothing I can do to help you.
That's it?
I mean, even with no expectations,
that's brutal, man.
I know I'm no good at this,
but I can't stand to see you like this.
Look at you.
It's like you actually care.
I do care,
more than you could possibly know.
But, [Sighs] breakups are really hard,
and the only thing you can do
is live through it.
So you tried distracting me
with roller skating?
I blew it.
Not entirely.
Like that time you fell.
And then that other time you fell.
I stink at roller skating.
Yeah, but you are a pretty okay dad.
Look at you.
I came in here to make you feel better,
and you're making me feel better.
Well, what can I say?
I'm a pretty okay daughter.
I think you're the best daughter.
The unicorn?
How many quarters
did you spend to get this?
Too many, and then I had to
bribe your scary friend
to open up the machine.
More than this
Sometimes we spend so much time
worrying about
the relationships we lost
that we forget about
the ones we still have.
Where are you taking me?
You'll see.
Tell me one thing
[Gasps] The mother-son prank!
Ohh! Only it's not a prank
and it says all the words!
- I'm sorry I tricked you.
- [Sighs]
Adam, I'm never gonna forget this.
And neither will
the rest of the school.
[Chuckles]
Yeah, it's impossible to know
exactly how you'll be remembered,
but what we can control
is the love we give
and the time we take
to actually be there for each other.
More than this
In the end, that's a legacy
anyone would be proud to have.
More than this
Whoo! You still got it, Mama.
Yes, you do! Mm.
- Truer words have never been spoken.
- Johnny Atkins?
Someone's got Johnny on the brain.
I'll tell the kids I ran into you.
Or we can run into each other
over drinks.
I'm sorry?
You will be!
Wh Carla?
I thought you died!
Just for 6 minutes.
And you're the one that's in
trouble, talking to my man!
How dare either of you
speak to me like that.
You're lucky I don't call your parents.
She just got hotter.