Futurama s10e03 Episode Script

1
♪♪
[Leela] One, two, three, four
[upbeat theme music playing]
[glass shatters]
[theme concludes]
Another Xmas come and gone.
And to everyone I didn't kill,
season's greetings!
And hold still next year.
Ho!
[gunshot]
Ho!
[gunshot]
Ho!
[rapid gunfire]
[gentle orchestra music playing]
[antenna clatters,
electricity sparking]
All in all, it was a pretty good Xmas.
We only lost one crew member.
Poor Charlie.
It was his first day on the job.
And he was just a week from retirement.
[fuse crackling]
[wick hisses]
I'm thinking about mint,
but I'm tasting pain.
[loud slurping]
[Fry grunting]
[mouth full] Mmm,
now I'm tasting about thinking.
People, we've reached that awkward week
between Xmas and New Year's
when there's no work to be done
and little fun to be had.
Therefore,
you're all on unpaid leave.
So, leave.
I'm going to visit
my parents for the week.
It would be really nice
if you came with me.
Oh, uh uh, sorry, I I can't go.
Really? You have something better to do
than visit old people in the sewer?
Uh, Bender!
Invited me.
To visit his parents?
[sighs] I get it. It's fine.
Say hi to Bender's
nonexistent parents for me.
I will.
Oh, can you at least
water my plant while I'm gone?
Sure. I'm not going anywhere.
Just once.
You know how many times
once is, right?
Less than twice, more than nunce.
[smooches]
See ya!
[forceful blowing, faint whistle blows]
Eh, must be outta batteries.
Circle up, people!
I don't know what's going on,
but I love circling.
New Year's is coming up.
And that's the anniversary
of the day I first met Leela.
Aww. Which anniversary is it?
I'm actually not sure.
But I think a big one.
Uh, maybe ten? Or 45?
Who knows!
It's impossible to say
with all the time loops
we've been through.
Well, whichever one it is,
I wanna throw her a giant surprise party.
Hey, wait a minute!
You and I met that same day!
Where's my party?!
Well, listen, Bender
That's the beautiful day we met
and attempted suicide.
[Bender sobbing]
I refuse to help!
Bye.
[door opens and closes]
[paper crinkles]
The first thing I need
is some not-necessarily-legal fireworks.
[sweeping shattered glass]
Scruffy knows a place.
Uh-huh. Just across the border.
[epic music playing]
[rocket zooming]
[raucous crowd chattering]
[Bender scat singing]
[door bells jingle]
Bender? You decided to help?
No!
I just ran out of a few things
and had to run to the market.
How may I pervert you?
Yeah, uh we'd like some, uh
ya know [clicking tongue]
"filthy porno"?
Ah, yes.
I think I have what you're looking for.
I thought we were here for fireworks.
Shh! Not so loud!
Right this way for your "porno," sir.
I've got every kind of firework.
Except the legal kind.
I'm looking for ones that spell out
"Leela" in huge explosions.
What language?
Um I forget what it's called.
The language my mouth knows.
Alright, coupla these.
One of those
[paper crinkling]
I'm also looking for
a giant laser eyeball.
A giant laser what-kind-of-ball?
- Eye.
- Oh yes.
Yes, we have those, too.
[upbeat music playing]
Any chance I can borrow a cryogenic tube
for my anniversary?
I wanna come dancing out of one
like when I first met Leela.
Not a problem. Terry!
[both grunting]
[ice shatters]
Nobody needed Rudy Giuliani anyway.
[festive music playing]
Santa flushed such
wonderful presents this year.
These earmuffs are lovely.
[squishing]
Where's Fry?
I got him a nice slipper.
He couldn't make it.
He had faker things to do.
[shivers]
I'm going out to chop
more PVC pipe for the fire.
[door creaking]
Psst! Over here!
Fry! You came!
And in such a weird way.
Don't tell Leela, but I'm throwing her
a surprise anniversary party.
I hope you can all make it.
[shouting] Thank you!
They're new!
[door creaking open]
[pipes clatter]
[fire whooshing]
[Fry coughing]
Who wants to toast sewer-mellows?
[crane whirring]
[glass shatters]
Here ya go.
This one's on mes.
I likes to help young loverses.
[air pumping]
She's coming!
I hear her distinctive heavy bootsteps!
Everyone in your hiding places!
[lights click]
[dial cranking]
[tube door shuts]
Quick! In here!
[metal clanging]
[heavy bootsteps approaching]
[keys jingling]
[lights click]
Oh no!
My plant is dead!
If he couldn't come to
my stupid parents' stupid house,
he could have at least
watered my stupid plant!
[party horn blares]
Ahh!
Welcome to the world of tomorr
- Intruder!
- [Terry] Ow!
[timer dings]
[tube hissing]
Oh, Leela
Don't "Oh, Leela" me.
You couldn't water it one time?
What?
Oh, right the plant.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny G!
This saxophone serenade goes out
to a very special one-eyed lady.
[robotic arms whirring]
I wasn't given a name,
but I'm gonna assume it's you.
[romantic saxophone solo playing]
Maybe you only killed it a little bit.
I'll try to revive it with some water.
[water splashing]
Hey!
Oh, my my G-water!
Here, we've got some gin.
Thanks. I call it G-water.
[outdoor crowd] Ten! Nine! Eight!
I'm really sorry I forgot to water it.
But I did other things.
Look.
[sparklers crackling]
I mean, the leaves are dry as dust.
[outdoor crowd] Happy New Year!
[fireworks exploding]
[party guests] Surprise!
[Vyolet snorts]
Whose birthday is it?
No, it's our annivers
[lasers zapping]
[gorilla yelping, screeches]
[loud crashing]
Leela, I planned this
whole huge party for you.
I spent all the money in
our joint bank account.
We don't have a joint bank account.
Well, not anymore.
Ugh. I don't need grand displays.
I need to know I can count on you.
Look, let's not fight in front of Kenny G.
Is the plant really such a big deal?
Don't you understand that this plant
is a metaphor for our relationship?!
You know I don't.
[groans] I need some time to
think about our future.
If there is one.
I'm going back to stay
with my stupid parents.
[tentacles sucking]
I'll see ya there, honey!
[somber music playing]
Surprise!
[balloon doll deflating]
[solemn music playing]
[Fry sniffles]
[crying] I can't believe
how bad that went.
I mean, is it my fault the plant died?
Yes.
I love her so much,
and she's never gonna forgive me.
Oh, sure she might.
- Leela?
- Hello, Philip.
Oh snap! She "Philip'd" you.
That is cold.
Good news, everyone!
Hey! You can't do that!
That's my only thing!
Today, we'll be delivering
this stud buggalo to Mars.
[cage banging]
[buggalo snarling]
[sighs]
I'll lead him to the ship.
Actually, I'd rather Fry
didn't go on this mission.
Why?
Well, the buggalo might get angry
when it sees your red jacket.
So I'll take it off.
I don't want you to get chilly.
I'll just take Zoidberg instead.
But his whole body's red.
No, I'm a deep, rich salmon.
[cage door squeaking]
Come on, boy. Follow the carrot.
[buggalo roars]
Woop-woop-woop-woop!
Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop!
[buggalo snorting, growling]
♪♪
[rocket roaring]
[Fry sobbing]
I don't know what to do.
I always thought Leela
and I were soulmates.
But maybe [sniffles]
it wasn't meant to be.
You know, mon,
there's a way to test if that's true.
Hush, Hermes!
Never speak of that!
Speak of what?
Oh, it's a fascinating story.
[hologram chirps]
You see, a thousand years ago,
AI-powered dating apps were
becoming more and more powerful.
With access to social media posts,
DNA databases,
genital pics, and so on,
they became too good,
able to identify
a person's one perfect match
from among all inhabitants of Earth.
Wh-What's wrong with that?
Everything, you whimpering imbecile!
Because naturally,
many people soon learned
that they had settled for someone
other than their perfect match.
It led to a 10,000% increase
in jealous murders,
and an end to the traditional
two-car family.
The soulmate apps were banned.
But some say the technology still exists
in ancient relics known as
[whispering]
"Magic Mirrors."
Yes, some say that.
But not us!
Because it's illegal to even mention!
No law can keep me from my noble purpose.
To the pornatorium!
[door bells jingling]
Bender? Again?
Yeah, I had a coupon for a new girlfriend.
What happened to the old one?
She ran off with the bicycle pump.
So, uh do you have one of those
"Magic Mirrors" no one talks about
that I've been hearing about?
You don't need to wink
if you're not speaking in code.
Gotcha. [clicking tongue]
[Bender] Come back, baby!
We can work it out!
[upbeat music playing]
[Fry grunting]
Okay, where can I hang it?
Well, you don't need this anymore.
[glass shatters]
[Fry and Bender struggling, grunting]
Huh. What's "USB"?
I think it was the new name
after the collapse of the USA.
I got this, guys.
I have a universal male plug.
You never know who you might meet.
[chuckles]
[cord whirring]
[plug clicks]
[mirror powers on]
All charged up!
Who wants to test it?
Ooh, I will!
I know Kif and I are soulmates,
so this is gonna be fun.
Right, Kiffy?
[Kif sputtering and stammers]
Don't worry.
[mirror humming]
[whirring]
[Kif] It's me!
Oh thank the Grand Midwife's
porous skin sack.
It was always you.
[kisses]
[Kif's skin ripples]
You wanna give it a try, Bender?
Nah, I got a good thing
going over here. [chuckles]
[mirror chirping]
Ooh!
[breathes deeply]
Alright. Okay.
I'm ready to see if Leela's my soulmate.
Actually, I'm not ready.
I changed my mind.
Too late! Shut up!
[mirror humming]
[dramatic drum roll trilling]
[mirror chirping]
It is Leela! I knew it!
[heavy bootsteps approaching]
My love!
All is forgiven.
That's big of you,
but I'm just here to get my stuff.
[mirror humming]
But we belong together.
Don't go!
[plant snaps]
Wow, it just keeps metaphoring.
It's okay. She'll be back.
She's my soulmate.
Uh-huh. Too bad you're not hers.
[dramatic sting]
[Fry gasps]
[wheezing and groaning]
[body thuds]
So anyone else wanna try the mirror?
[police siren blaring]
Fry fainted!
We need smelling salts!
I'll give him a smell assault.
[playful babbling]
[Fry gagging and coughing]
That's Leela's soulmate?
That's the worst picture of me
I've ever seen!
Dial down the denial, mon.
Let's see who eliminated you
in round one.
[mirror beeping]
[Philip]
And they spelled my name wrong!
Fry
It's not me, is it?
Not even close.
What makes this guy so great?
And what could make him
a little less great?
Ooh, I know!
Strangling!
It's the right thing to do,
and the fun way to do it.
Hmm.
The mature thing would be
just to punch him a little.
But he could be anywhere.
[mirror beeping]
Anywhere within a three-foot
radius of this point.
He's in Central Park.
The park?
That's the perfect place
to dispose of the body!
And, uh any other bodies
we might happen to have
lying around, right, guys?
Right?
[dramatic music playing]
[birds chirping]
[wheels squeaking]
Say your prayers, stud muffin.
I can't believe it.
[sniffling] My little Fry
is becoming a murderer.
[birds squawking]
[insects buzzing]
[animal whimpering]
[raccoon whining]
[whimpering continues]
Poor little guy.
It's these Central Park thorns.
[raccoon chittering happily]
[punch thuds]
Hey!
Why did you do that?!
And why didn't it hurt very much?
- You stay away from Leela!
- Who?
The most beautiful woman
in the world, that's who.
Really? Tell me more?
Oh, I'll tell you more.
She's not just beautiful,
she's smart and sexy!
Is she single?
Yes. Recently.
Can you introduce me to her?
Of course, you idiot!
She's my roommate!
[loud creaking]
[ominous music playing]
What What was that?! A moth?
Get down! We're in danger!
[ominous music continues]
[softly]
Are you gonna punch me back?
Shh! I'll do it later.
Okay, but I need to be at work by three.
What are we hiding from?
An invasive tree species
that's killing indigenous plants.
Plants I swore to protect with my life.
[eerie music playing]
Oh no!
I left my clippers in the shed!
[tree creaking]
[Fry yelps]
I don't like the way that tree is walking.
It's the Creeping Willow!
[Branch yells]
[Branch grunting]
[Fry thuds]
[grunting] Grab the zip line!
[suspenseful music playing]
[Branch yells]
[Fry screaming]
Ahh! Ooh! Ow! Oi!
[relentless pummeling]
It's time to let go!
Never! She's mine!
Oof!
[Fry yelps]
Thank God, she's okay.
"She"?
The One-Eyed Susan.
The last of her species
in the entire universe.
Hmm, very nice, but how
do you know its pronouns?
It's a dioecious plant that
produces only female flowers.
But there are no males left,
so she can't reproduce.
Sorry. I didn't know you wanted kids.
She was placed under my care.
And not even my own anniversary
could keep me from watering her.
[tear plops]
Don't worry, she thrives on salt water.
[uprooted creaking]
[both yelp]
Quick!
We need to arm ourselves.
[panting]
Hup hup! Hup hup!
Hup Uh, hup!
[water trickling]
Wow! Leela would love this!
The decor, the the live plants.
This beautiful wood beam.
- What's it made of? Wood?
- What beam?
[screams]
[Branch yelling]
I would rather die than
let this invasive species
encroach on the ecological niche
of my plant!
Are you with me?
I'm not sure I'd rather die.
But yeah.
[suspenseful music playing]
[guns clipping]
[Branch yelling]
[Fry screaming]
[suspenseful music continues]
[guns clipping]
[roots snapping]
[tree creaking]
Woo!
[bird cawing]
[crickets chirping]
[toads croaking]
[Fry and Branch slurping]
[suspenseful music resumes]
- Brothers to the end?
- Brothers to the
well, maybe not the "end" end, but
[both yelp]
[roots creaking]
[Fry and Branch groaning]
[birds chirping]
[Bender scat singing]
Eh, good grave. Not great.
[Fry grunting]
I'm proud of you, son.
I couldn't have killed him better myself.
No. He's just injured.
Really? Well, there's no law
against mercy bludgeoning.
Actually, I think there is.
You're no son of mine!
It's gonna be a tough recovery,
but you should be alright
since you came to this hospital
instead of letting me treat you.
I told you to leave the charts alone!
[smacks]
Ahh!
I can't believe it.
[sobbing] My plant is dead.
Ahh, my plant!
I'm sorry, Branch. You did your best.
She was lucky to have such a kind,
committed guy in her life.
[sniffles]
Thank you, friend.
[punch thuds]
Oof! [gasps]
[straining] Call it even?
Even.
Hey, Fry's my friend!
If anybody's gonna punch him,
it's gonna be me!
Fry! I heard you were hurt.
I was so worried!
You were?
Of course.
Are you okay?
I will be now that you're here.
[heart monitor beeping]
[sweeping romantic music playing]
[monitor beeping faster]
[romantic music
and beeping continue]
[Fry screams]
I love you the most!
[soft, romantic music playing]
[heart monitor beeping]
Who's your friend?
I am! See?
[punch thuds]
Oof! He's nobody.
Yeah, a six-foot-four nobody
with really good health insurance.
And eyes like limpid pools.
They don't look limpid to me.
I'm just reading the chart.
I think you should leave now.
[whispering]
Branch is about to have
an embarrassing type of surgery.
Is it a penis reduction?
I'm just guessing based on the chart.
Gimme that!
[Fry yelping]
[monitor beeping]
[glass shatters]
[head smacks]
[tile cracks]
[yells, groaning]
[monitor flatlines, steady beeping]
I'm afraid this machine is dead.
[soft, dramatic music playing]
[monitor beeping]
[Fry snoring, mutters]
What?
Fry? He's waking up!
Wh-What happened?
Well, I got a really cute skirt on sale,
and you've been in a coma for a month.
It's plaid.
A month?!
Ha Has Leela visited me?
Oh, lots of times!
She brought these flowers.
Well, her and Branch.
Branch?!
Uh-huh! He picked them out.
He really knows a lot about plants.
[IV bag boiling]
[whistling, steam hissing]
♪♪
[contestant] [on TV]
Ever since Night One,
I've had, like, deep feelings for you.
And some of the other
hot girls on the island.
[gasps]
He's cheatin' on you, Chastity!
Bah, I can take care of a plant, too.
Hey Bender, where's
your green spray paint?
Here.
It's almost empty.
[paint can rattles]
[spray hissing]
See?
[leaf flutters]
So, is Leela living with Branch now?
How many kids do they have?
Forget about Leela.
[emotional] Chastity's about
to make the mistake of her life.
[somber music playing]
[sniffles]
It's tearing me up inside.
Maybe I can convince Branch
that Leela and I belong together
if I can just talk to him.
Strangle him, you say?
I happen to know of an unoccupied grave.
It's a little small,
but I can bend him in half.
[mimics bone-cracking]
[soft, whimsical music playing]
[knocking]
Fry! You're out of your coma?
Uh, I think so.
- Listen, can I talk to you?
- In a minute.
First, I have to show you something.
[Fry gasps]
The invasive trees
didn't kill your flower!
[trees creaking]
[yelps]
And they're back for revenge!
No! It's okay!
It turns out the Creeping Willow
isn't invasive.
It's actually the male of the species!
I was trying so hard
to keep them apart, but
[sobbing]
it was meant to be.
[bee buzzing]
Aw, geez!
Get a greenhouse.
[flower crackling, seeds popping]
[sweeping orchestral music playing]
All she really needed
was for me to step out of the way.
Branch, you're a good man.
And a good friend.
That's it! I'm gettin' my shovel!
♪♪
[mirror beeping]
[mirror humming]
Oh, you're here.
Leela, this might sound old-fashioned,
but I knew you were right for me
from the first moment I saw you.
Actually, you screamed.
Okay, the moment after that.
But it's not about what's right for me.
I love you.
And I want you to be happy.
I know that.
That's why I need to get out of your way
and let you and Branch pollinate
Well, you know what I mean,
like, get to know each other,
and maybe with a chaperone.
You love me so much you'd let me go?
I would.
And I get it.
Branch is a great guy.
He really is.
He even revived my plant.
I killed it again. Sorry.
I'm sure Branch can save it.
The man is good with plants.
Yeah, although I have to say
he's always plant-splaining stuff to me.
I mean, come on,
sometimes you wanna talk
about something other than botany.
[stammers] What?
He's your soulmate.
What are you talking about?
A friend, sure.
But not my soulmate.
How do you know?
[gentle piano music playing]
[mirror humming]
Because, now I know you are.
[gentle piano music continues]
[music fades out]
[fanfare playing]