Futurama s10e05 Episode Script

1
[upbeat theme music playing]
[glass shatters]
[theme concludes]
[devices chiming]
[grunting] Dinner's ready!
I made sushi for the entire family.
[chiming continues]
So, um, Axl, how was school today?
Uh-huh.
Did you learn anything?
Or perhaps participate in shenanigans?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
[devices clicking and chiming]
[toy automated voice]
The flerk goes "ba-KOOK-a-zoodle."
Okay, kids, that's enough.
[Newt whining]
We agreed,
no devices at the dinner table.
Then what's the point of eating?
[Kif sighs]
I'm asking you to put away your phone.
Now tell us,
what happened at school today?
They asked me to put away my phone.
[phone chiming]
I said, "No."
[Kif sighs]
I can't communicate with my own son.
He's on his phone 24 hours a day,
yet he's never called me once.
I'd kill for a butt dial.
Why are we the only family
dealing with this?
[games clicking, gunfire on laptop]
[LaBarbara] Dwight?
Dwight!
I told ya to get your jam-jams on! [sighs]
We need some way to get through to him.
What if I post one of
those catchy dance videos?
[grunting] Hoo, ooh, ooh.
Hoo, hoo, hoo-hoo. Hoo!
Husband, ya can't dance.
Sure I can. My doctor okayed it.
Hoo, hoo Ooh! Oh!
[Hermes thudding down the stairs]
[Hermes yelps]
[emoji clicks, devices chiming]
Bedtime, Cubert!
Oh, bother.
I'll have to fetch him from
some dam-ned alternate reality.
[headset beeping]
Bedtime, Cubert!
[fishing line whooshing]
[lure plopping]
Oh, bother.
He's in an alternate, alternate reality.
[virtual headset buzzing]
[gentle music playing]
[clock ticking]
Leela, I'm worried other people's kids
are spending too much time
on their devices.
♪♪
[devices clicking and chiming]
Kids. Am I right?
Yes.
I thought so.
[Bender] Amen, brother.
"Screen addiction" is what they call it.
And it's destroying society!
[pong dot bopping]
[scoring chimes]
Woo-hoo! Go Righty!
I've had precisely enough of this.
[hologram chirping]
Activating Deny-Fi.
[devices click off]
[kids groaning, complaining]
You're mean!
For the next two hours,
you're all offline.
Go play outside!
There's a big, beautiful world out there.
[Cubert] Ugh!
[scissors crunching]
[birds chirping]
[Dwight] Man, I can barely even
control that pigeon.
This world needs an update.
[shivering] I'm jonesin', guys.
I needs my net!
[whispering] Yo, I got gigs!
Uploads, downloads What do you need?
You got 5G? I need a nickel.
Man, I got 10G.
You want me to cut it with some static?
Nah, just hit us up.
[satellite dish whirring]
[phones buzzing]
[ominous music playing]
[kids groaning weakly]
[light clicks]
Pretty scary, huh?
Hi, my name is Bender
and I'm a recovering screenaholic.
If you're currently using another device
in addition to the one
you're watching me on,
then you're a sick, sick bastard.
So pick up a third device and call me now.
Together, we'll get through this,
just me, you, and your credit card.
In fact, forget you!
[quickly] Phone sex also available.
[ambulance sirens blaring]
Screen addiction.
Every time I see it,
it only gets a little easier.
Well, at least here in the hospital,
they're free from their ding-dong devices.
[monitor beeping]
Hey, check it out!
Bet I can get it up to 150. [grunting]
Oh yeah? 170! Eat my beats!
[beeping faster]
[both grunting]
Stop video-gaming your heart rates!
[Cubert grunting]
Ooh! This is the last straw.
Come on, fellow parents.
Let's go back in time and not have kids.
- Oh, yeah!
- You said it.
Wait, I've got an idea.
It's a really bad idea,
but it's better than his.
Hello, twerps.
Welcome to Zapp Brannigan's
"Scared Screenless."
An intensive two-week program
to wean you off your devices.
And to be clear,
you are the wean-ees.
I am the wean-er.
Questions?
[Kif and Axl sighing]
[suspenseful music playing]
"Why," you ask,
"is the DOOP's rearest admiral
running a children's camp?"
I didn't hear anybody ask that.
It's because young people today can't
meet the DOOP's fitness requirements.
In the old days,
recruits came in looking like me.
Kif, tighten my girdle so
they can see what I look like.
[Kif inhales deeply]
[grunting]
[girdle straining]
[Zapp wheezing]
And voila, I stand before you, an adonis.
[button beeps]
It's go time. Devices in the bag,
losers on the bus.
Here! We got one more loser.
Hey!
What'd I do? Nothin'!
[eyeball game chomping]
[Professor Farnsworth]
You're as bad as everyone else,
only worse.
Get on the loser bus.
[Bender angrily grumbling]
[game over sounds]
[sighs] Well, sport,
this is our last chance
to talk for a while.
[melancholy music playing]
[music stops]
[Axl grunts]
- Stay safe!
- Good luck, son!
Watch for greens snakes!
Love ya, Bender!
[door clunking]
[bus whirring]
[Bender] Bite my shiny metal
ass!
[voice fading]
So, LaBarbara, with no kid around,
it's the perfect chance for
Ladies' Night!
Don't wait up, Hermes.
- Woo-hoo!
- Let's do this!
[hover-convertible whirring]
[wheels squealing]
Ah, who needs them anyway?
We can have our own Ladies' Night.
Right, men?
- Yes, we can!
- We need it!
I call designated driver!
[claws clacking]
♪♪
[bus whirring, skidding]
[brakes squealing]
[bus engine sputtering]
[thuds]
[insects chirring]
[rope whooshing]
[Zapp grunts]
There's no WiFi here on Remotus.
[button beeps]
Nevertheless, I shall hoist your devices
high atop this naturally
occurring stripper pole
for one reason and one reason only,
to taunt you.
It's working.
[dramatic harp music playing]
Ugh!
I have built entire
mobile game cities out of candy,
but I can't put together one stupid tent?!
How are we supposed to do this
if we can't watch a video
on how to do this?
Ahh, this is roughing it.
[yurt booms]
[Bender and kids yelping]
If anyone needs me,
I'll be exfoliating in my yurt.
[faucet squeaking, water running]
♪♪
[shakers whooshing and rattling]
Then Mandy said, "Make my bed?
But I already have a bed."
[Amy and LaBarbara laugh]
- Get it?
- Oh, that's
as cute as when
Dwight said the same thing.
Hilarious.
Now, can we talk about something else?
How about if anyone mentions kids,
they have to drink?
- Sure!
- Bring it on!
This is fun.
I haven't been out day drinking
since I had kids.
Oops!
Ha! You look like Dwight
after I give him goat liver oil.
[laughing] Uh-oh.
[LaBarbara gulps, winces]
Kids, kids, kids.
[exciting music playing]
[hover-car whirring]
Hey! Unh! Party-mobile!
Come on, Kif, no moping in the moon roof!
Well, I suppose I could stop worrying
about my son for a short while.
I'll panic all day tomorrow.
That's the spirit.
Zoidberg?! You're supposed to be driving!
Ugh. God forbid the driver
should get a morsel of fresh air.
♪♪
[grunting]
Chopping firewood sounds fun
until you do it.
[metal clanging]
Ow!
Right in my a-hole.
Antenna hole!
[Cubert laughing]
I just wish I had my phone
so I could film this for lumberjack fails.
[log thwacks]
Ow!
♪♪
[flint sparking]
[Zapp grunting]
Campers, the trick to
starting a fire is persistence.
[Zapp grunting and groaning]
But sometimes being a quitter works, too.
I prefer cold stew anyway.
Cold, raw stew.
[Zapp slurping]
[chewing loudly]
[Zapp gagging]
Say this might restore my dignity.
- How do I look?
- Sporky.
Eat hearty, campers.
For tomorrow at dawn,
we set out to hunt the wily snipe.
The wily what what?
None other.
The snipe is difficult to describe,
yet extremely real.
[suspenseful music playing]
It's got the talons of an eagle,
the fangs of a viper,
the feathers of a pillow,
and the angry red buttocks
of an infected baboon.
[kids whimpering]
It preys on the weary,
so get some shuteye before sunrise.
Look, sunrise!
Then the hunt has begun.
I'll be getting some shuteye.
[ominous music playing]
[bushes rustling]
[yelping] What was that?!
I think I heard a snipe!
I think you didn't.
Because I think Zapp made it up.
Yeah. I've never once heard of a snipe.
And I'm a 12-year-old kid.
Man, the sun is sunning.
Whew!
[spork whirring and buzzing]
[electricity crackling]
[teeth chiming]
Bender, you've got bars!
[all gasping]
He's getting internet from the sun!
This star must be a relay
on the stellar backbone.
[teeth chiming]
[energy fizzling]
Hey, I was Redditing!
[energy powers up]
If we got our devices back,
we could piggyback off his signal.
Ooh, I'm a hotspot-bot!
[spork rattling]
♪♪
[Zapp snoring]
[kids grunting and groaning]
[Bender straining]
[crashing]
[all grunting in pain]
[metal arm whirring]
[Bender laughs]
[arm whirring]
[quietly chanting]
Go, Bender. Go, Bender. Go, Bender.
[antenna clicking]
[teeth chiming]
Aw, yeah. That's the stuff.
Now we just need Bender's password.
You mean "assword."
"Assword1"?
That's not a very secure assword.
[keypads clacking]
[devices humming]
[chuckling] Oh, yes!
Lumberjack fails, here I come.
Looking up "snipes" on Snopes and
Debunked! No such thing.
Whew. Well, that's a relief.
'Cause otherwise,
I'd have screamed my head off
when I saw that snipe.
[dramatic music playing]
[snipe screeching]
[all screaming]
[snipe snarling]
[ominous music playing]
[glassware clinking]
Dwight [groaning]
[shot glass slams]
[glasses clattering]
[hover-car screeching]
[car brakes squealing]
Zoidberg! You're going the wrong way
on a one-way street!
[Professor snoring]
Fine. Fine. I'll increase my driving.
[hover-car screeching]
Now you're going the wrong way
on a two-way street.
[horns honking]
[passengers screaming]
[cars crashing]
[metal clattering]
[all groaning]
[Officer Smitty knocking]
[window whirring]
What seems to be the problem, Constable?
You just crashed into a police station.
[phone ringing]
[slurping]
Damn, this cabinet was
three days from being used
to store retirement paperwork.
[snipe screeching]
[Bender and kids whimpering]
[snipe squawking]
According to Wikipedia snipes do exist!
- That was me.
I just updated it!
- Ow!
- Ow. Ow!
Stop pecking me, you stupid murder bird!
[snipe screeching]
Uh, we call it a chicken.
[suspenseful music playing]
[snipe squealing and snarling]
[meat sizzling]
I'm known by the name
of Groovestick Waterfall.
And this is my old lady, Bliss Waterfall.
Peace, brother.
[smooches]
Brother? Ew!
It's just a figure of speech, m'kay?
- We're cousins.
- Mm-hmm.
Centuries ago, our mutual ancestors
split from Earth,
'cause they were, like, bummed out
by science and technology.
Except a spaceship, apparently. [snorts]
It was pedal-powered.
They came here to be one with nature,
and not have to work.
Generations have continued their dream
through a careful program
of selective inbreeding.
[mud splashing]
[kids laughing, mumbling gibberish]
[banjo strumming]
Not that careful.
[bright music playing]
Here is where we make our dream trappers.
No-kill dream trappers.
To catch the snipes.
And then you kill 'em?
Nuh-uh, they die of fright, dig?
And this is where we grow all our food.
- Except the snipes.
- Shut up.
[mole squeaking]
[crunching] Mm! Mm.
[chewing] Mm.
Here, all is provided by
Mother Sun and Uncle Moon.
Even fun? What do you do for fun?
Fun? What is this "fun"?
Like, what do you like to watch?
Plants growing!
- Go corn!
- You got this, radish!
Seriously?
This is what we do on Earth.
[devices clicking and chiming]
[hippie kids] Whoa!
Don't look! It'll take your souls.
It's just solitaire.
Witchcraft and dark science!
[ominous music playing]
[all gasping]
[panicked chatter]
Mother Sun!
She's being eaten
by the great snipe of heaven.
No, wife-goddess.
She hides because
your satanic electro-machines
have angered her!
You can't blame us!
It's just an eclipse.
Don't listen to the chubby wizard.
I have a metabolic condition.
The sun is gone forever!
Our crops will wither.
Not on my watch.
Hippies, attack!
[dramatic music playing]
[rain sticks rattling]
[carrot darts blowing]
[mole squeaking]
[Bender grunting]
Get it off! Get it off! It's a mole!
[projectiles whooshing]
In the name of peace, aim for the head!
[radish whooshes]
[shouting crazed war cry]
[cell door rattling]
Alright, hand over your devices.
I have a device, too.
Two tin cans on a string?
It's the latest in affordable tech.
The battery life is excellent,
and it smells like cream of mushroom soup.
Hello Fry, how's the soup on your end?
[snickering] Tell you what,
you can keep yours.
Maybe Santy Claus will call ya.
Really? I never gave him my number.
[dramatic music playing]
[kids panting]
We've gotta find that dumb bus driver!
I think his name is Yurt.
No, it's Zapp.
[Cubert yelps]
He's useless.
I'm calling my dad!
[dialing]
Come on, pick up!
[phone buzzing]
[Kif] Wait, it's my son!
[phone beeps]
Hello, Axl?
How is camp? Are you making friends?
[out of service tone blaring]
[automated voice] We're sorry.
This call cannot be completed.
Please hang up and worry.
[dial tone blaring]
No, I need that!
My son never calls me
unless it's an emergency.
Sounds like the emergency
is your relationship.
Aw, yeah.
[somber music playing]
[cell door rattling]
The call dropped!
I have no bars!
The WiFi's out too!
And right when I was
about to get 10,000 steps!
It's 'cause the stupid sun is blocked!
That was our access point.
It's a total eclipse of the internet!
[ominous music swells]
[bushes rustling]
There they are!
Radish at will!
[dramatic music playing]
[radishes whooshing]
[music intensifying]
[Bender and kids whimpering]
Oh no!
[Cubert choking]
[gagging]
[Bender laughing]
[radishes thunking]
I deserve that.
[ominous music playing]
[Zapp scat singing]
Ah, the best part of waking up
[distant screaming]
a box of wine and the gentle song
of children screaming in nature.
[wine splashing]
[Zapp yelping]
[Axl] Help! We're under attack
by peaceful hippies!
[Bender's eyes whirring]
There's only one way
to deal with every situation,
guns.
[gun clicking and buzzing]
My iBlaster! It's not working!
That's 'cause it needs to connect
to a server in Des Moines, Iowa.
Damn. To the bus!
[buzzing]
The iHatch! It's not working!
Des Moines, Iowa!
[radishes ricocheting]
Damn this network-dependent technology
to hell!
[radishes whizzing]
Oh, why did I pick today
to start my life of crime?
My son is in trouble. I must talk to him!
Now see here, ya mug.
There's a network outage on Remotus.
All the skells was talkin'
about it in the yard.
Yes, but Zapp has
a hard-wired emergency phone.
Hard-wired? To another planet?
It's connected through
a subspace wormhole.
Oh, if only we had a phone on our end.
Like that phone?
Sweet skink of the clink!
It's some kind of Stone Age relic.
We had these back in my day.
You put coins in here,
you pick a number out of a book, dial it,
and ask if their refrigerator is running.
But nobody has coins anymore!
Not since suicide booths
started takin' Venmo.
Eh, coins are for chumps anyway.
I'm what they called a "phone phreaker."
[Fry clears throat]
[high-pitched shrieking]
[dial tone blaring]
[dialing, keypad beeping]
[Zapp Brannigan] [over phone]
Yello?
Captain! Oh, I never thought I'd be happy
to hear your voice.
How dare you use the emergency line.
We're having an emergency!
I'm behind a protective
shield of children,
but who knows how long they'll last.
Please, let me speak to Axl,
before it's too late.
Is, uh, one of you Axl?
I am! Is it my dad?
Oh, uh, hang on. One last thing.
If I don't make it, I want to
be buried in my dress uniform.
And a formal girdle.
[radish smashes]
[electricity sparking]
Hello? Kif?
[hook dinging]
Yoo-hoo?
All I wanted was to
never speak to him again.
[crying] And now I'll
never speak to him again!
Hold up, Bender's got a phone jack!
Hand me that cord.
[Axl grunting]
Oh no you don't!
[Kif grunting]
[smacks wall, yelps]
[grunts] Finally!
[dial tone blaring]
[kids cheering]
[cable rattling]
What is this cable, haunted?
[grunting]
[metal creaking]
[Bender groaning]
[metal head thuds]
[Axl grunts]
[voice echoing] Hello? Dad?
Can you hear me?
Saved it!
But the piece you talk into is broken.
Here, use mine!
[Professor] Ah, that'll never woik.
I'm leaving you jokers behind
when I bust out of this joint, see?
[Axl] [on phone]
Who's the idiot pulling on the line?
[gasps] Axl?! It's Daddy. Hello?
Dad! I'm so glad I got through to you.
I'm really scared.
You're gonna be okay.
Don't hang up the can.
[Axl] They're coming! I have to go.
I'm sorry I was a bad son.
[loud clattering over phone]
Axl?!
Axl, what's happening?
[voice echoing] [over phone] Hello? Hello?
[dramatic music playing]
Sharpen the olive branches!
Load the hacky sack cannon!
[rain stick rattling]
[Kif] [over phone] Whoever you are,
leave my son alone.
If you so much as lay a finger on him,
I'll rip your heart out with my bare hands
and make you apologize
before I give it back!
[Zoidberg]
Alright, I'll take my phone back now.
Who Who Who's Who's talking?!
[Zoidberg] Zoidberg. Who's listening?
Groovestick Waterfall,
peace-father of the Remotus commune.
[Zoidberg] Must be nice.
So, how's the weather there?
If I'm honest,
here we've had a mild summer.
Sorcery!
[ominous music playing]
[bows creaking]
[music building]
[antenna whirring and beeping]
[devices chiming]
[hippies] Ooh.
[instruments clunking]
[tablet notifications
whooshing and pinging]
What wondrous visions dance
upon these cheese plates?
We call it content.
We will call it "God."
You have corrupted their souls.
Taste the fury of my rain stick!
[rain stick rattling]
[snipe screeching and snarling]
The snipe! It fooled us by existing.
[Groovestick Waterfall] Dude.
[snipe chomps and chitters]
[tablet game chiming]
[unenthusiastically] I'll avenge you, Dad.
[bright music playing]
Let's go, kids. Mission fun-complished.
[devices clicking and chiming]
I'm back, baby!
[Zoidberg]
Is that you, robot?
[bright music playing]
[bus whirring]
[cell door rattling]
Okay, beat it.
We need this cell for another group.
The jail ain't been built
what can hold me.
[panting] Finally, I can text Axl!
Are you okay?
[breathing heavily] Oh, he's not replying.
Maybe I should text him six more times.
[women groaning]
Leela! How'd you know where we are?
I don't even know where I are.
[Leela hiccups]
[cell door rattling]
[thuds]
Kiffy!
Have you talked to Axl? Is he doing okay?
[melancholy music playing]
[notification chimes]
Yes.
We just had a beautiful conversation.
[poignant music playing]
[fanfare playing]