Futurama s10e06 Episode Script

1
[upbeat theme music playing]
[glass shatters]
[theme concludes]
[intense, ominous music playing]
[energy whooshing]
[Professor sniffing]
[smelloscope clicking]
Yowzer!
The smelloscope is locked on
to a collapsing magnetar.
Oh, I never thought I'd
live to smell the day.
Amy, take this down.
[sniffing] Traces of lavender and oak.
[softly] "Lavender and oak."
[pencil scratching]
Wait, how do you spell "lavender"?
[sniffing] Notes of new car smell.
[softly] Only two Ls in "smell."
[dust cloud blowing]
[coughing]
What's all this cursed dust?
[sneezes]
[Zoidberg] Gesundheit!
Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop
Ugh, what are you rolling in now?
Your own filth?
No, everyone's!
It's the contents of the office vacuum.
I'm taking an abrasive dust bath.
Everything you do is abrasive!
[loud scrubbing]
[Zoidberg] Mm!
My sinuses are so inflamed,
I can't smell a thing!
I'll have to clear my nose
with a nasal laser,
or "Naser".
I've never heard of a Naser.
That's because it doesn't exist.
So one of us will have to invent it.
Uh
It's your turn, Professor.
[groans]
Very well.
[screw cranking]
[laser beam zapping]
Okay, let's test it out.
Fry, get over here.
[Fry grunting]
Hang on! I'm caught in my arm hole.
Ugh, forget it.
I'll just try it on this test melon.
[laser zapping]
[melon exploding]
Hmm, not quite powerful enough.
I'll need some new crystal resonators.
[gentle, mystical music playing]
[people chattering]
In the market for crystals, eh?
Well, sir, you're lookin' at one.
Folks call me the Borax Kid.
Pfft! Borax is just for laundry.
Not so.
Why, it's also a leading cause
of accidental poisoning.
[Professor scoffs]
I'm in need of a small sapphire.
Uh sapphire?
I suppose you'd know it
by its chemical name,
aluminum oxide.
Whoa! Words can have numbers in them?
What birthstone is it?
[annoyed] Virgo.
Uh can you describe it
in a way that's less scientific?
No!
How 'bout "blue"?
Oh, blue!
Yeah, we got blue.
Very powerful vibrations, man.
Helps us speak our truth.
[grunts] My truth is I hate you!
[laser zapping]
[Professor screams]
[sniffing] Eureka! I can smell!
[sniffing]
What smells like burning nostril?
Um, yeah, can you read my palm?
Certainly.
[mechanical whirring, clanging]
I'll be back for that in an hour.
Bender, don't waste
your liquor store money
on this quackery.
It's not quackery!
She's an astrologer, just like you.
I'm an astronomer, you drunken idiot!
And a respected cosmologist.
We just met a cosmologist!
She sells holistic makeup
with essential oils.
That's a cosmetologist!
And what was she thinking?
You're clearly an autumn.
Yeah, a little borax will set you right.
Thank you. [choking, coughing]
I've had it with fools who buy into
this unscientific flim-flam.
Oh, loosen up, Professor.
People like to believe in things.
Well, I like to know things.
Things supported by evidence!
Yet there is another path to knowledge.
Faith.
Many people believe in a heaven,
yet you do not call them crazy.
Yes, I do. To their faces.
And behind their backs, I'm even ruder.
You hurt my feeling. [sniffles]
[emotional] I know Heaven is real
because my grandma's there!
You're thinking of Mexico.
Oh, right.
I always mix those up 'cause
they both have margaritas.
Professor, what would it take
for you, as a scientist,
to believe Heaven is real?
Would you have to see people
literally rise into the sky
with your own eyes?
Yes, I would.
Then, and only then, would I believe it.
In that case,
you might wanna look over there.
[epic, heavenly music playing]
[people gasping]
[epic music swelling]
I still don't believe it.
[soft, ethereal music playing]
[tires screeching]
Our top story,
your neighbor's bumper sticker was right.
The Rapture has arrived,
and people are rising up to Heaven
like there's no tomorrow,
which there probably isn't.
Believers such as myself
are removing ceilings
to improve their chances.
Linda?
[Linda laughs]
[Linda sobbing]
Why was I left behind?!
I'm so scared, Leela.
I wanna go to Heaven,
but I can't stand harp music.
Hopefully we'll go deaf
sometime during eternity.
I need to sneak out of work early
to be with my family.
I'll let it slide this time,
but if I do it again,
I'm fired.
[phone ringing]
Are you okay, Amy? Don't panic!
I'm not panicking.
Am I supposed to be panicking?
Maybe we should all fly to
my home world, Amphibios 9,
until this blows over.
We can't.
All air traffic is grounded
due to the thick clouds
of people.
[dramatic music plays]
Do you think I'll be left behind?
What if they don't take pets?
[slipper thuds]
Ow!
I told you, you're not a pet!
Now fetch me my slipper.
[Zoidberg whimpering]
How can you people believe
this Rapture nonsense?
There's no proof!
That looks like proof to me.
[slipper thuds]
Ow!
The scientific method
requires forming a hypothesis
[Zoidberg whimpering]
then collecting data to test it.
Don't we have a hypothesis?
That people are rising up to Heaven?
Well, it's a lousy hypothesis,
so our job is to disprove it.
We aren't some cult of belief.
We're scientists.
Well, I don't know that we are.
Then it's settled.
With evidence and reason,
we'll persuade the world
to abandon these cultish delusions.
Now, how better to promote science
than by wearing a garment
that demands respect,
the lab coat.
All the buttons are missing.
Strange Who would eat
nice, crunchy buttons?
Uh, just tie them with
various lengths of wire.
Oh, and put on these
"pro-science" rocket badges.
Science is truth!
[group] Science is truth!
Now kneel in the direction of MIT.
[soft, mysterious music playing]
Husband, ya always need to look
your best for the apocalypse.
Are we going to church?
Can I wear my sermon-canceling headphones?
We don't know where we're goin', son.
But wherever it is,
we're all goin' together.
Hey! Wait for us!
Stop him, Hermes!
Do your limbo-jump!
[bones cracking]
[Hermes grunts]
[Hermes thuds]
[wailing] Our boy is gone!
Well, at least we still have each other
Hello?
[dramatic music playing]
Wife! No!
[bushes rustling]
Barbados Slim?!
I happened to be walkin' by, mon.
I'm stuck here with you?!
That's the worst-case scenario!
[ominous music playing]
I was wrong!
[soft organ music playing]
My fellow faith leaders,
we gather to discuss
this blessed ascension
that whoever or whatever
heavenly force has bestowed upon us
in his, her, or their
infinite or finite wisdom.
Amen!
Feels good to lead the religion
that saw this comin' a long time ago.
Excuse-a me? We called it a-first.
Not even close!
Out holy book predicted this
when your Dead Sea Scrolls
were barely even sick.
[overlapping arguing]
Now, now! Now, now!
[gavel banging]
Please, let's not split hairs!
Now is the time that we,
as leaders of faith,
should join hands and gloat.
Let's take the win, people!
[religious leaders cheering]
[glasses clinking]
[parishioners clapping and cheering]
[knocking on window]
[muffled] Boo!
Despite your various hats,
you're all just members
of the same crazy cult!
Commence Operation Anti-Cult.
[ball bearings rattle rhythmically]
[group chanting]
We worship data! Not a false cre-a-ta!
We worship
Perhaps I'll command even more respect
wearing Darwin's beard.
Have you heard the good word of science?
It's peer-reviewed.
Amy? What's going on?
We're inviting people to embrace science.
Join us, and drink the Cult-Aid.
"Cult-Aid"?
It's a cultured yogurt drink
we grew in a beaker.
With bacteria!
[groans]
[megaphone squealing]
Almighty science is so powerful,
it's only occasionally wrong!
You seem quite passionate, brother.
Care to share your testimony inside?
I'd be honored, you fraud.
[megaphone squealing]
Divine revelation is rubbish!
Understanding must be
earned in the laboratory.
We don't need the megaphone.
It's for me.
I can barely hear myself.
Now look here, Professor Glasses.
If science has all the answers,
maybe you can tell us why
folks are rising up to Heaven?
Oh, I can, and I will.
As soon as I figure it out.
[religious leaders laughing]
It seems you have faith in science,
much as we have faith in the divine.
Ah, but there's a difference.
Science makes predictions
that prove correct
time and time again.
That is the evidence that fuels my faith.
What fuels yours?
The knowledge that whatever happens
is the Lord's plan.
But you can use that to explain anything!
That's what's so great about it.
[dramatic music playing]
[windows and doors thudding]
[power tools whirring]
[hammers thudding]
That's it.
Barricade every door and window
so we don't float off willy-nilly.
We must buy time to
research this phenomenon.
No way I'm ascendin' to Heaven
with Barbados and LaBarbara.
I'd rather go to Hell!
I'm here for you, friend.
I think I'm already there.
[hammer thudding]
[Fry clearing throat]
- Leela
- Fry,
now isn't a great time to propose.
No, I can't risk you
floating away without me,
so I tied my shoelaces to yours.
Aw, that's so sweet.
[hammer thuds]
Ow!
Oops!
[head thuds]
[both yelp and grunt]
[both laughing]
Man, that looked funny,
but it really hurt.
I think my skull's fractured.
Hey, why are you falling up?
[dramatic music playing]
No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, wait. Yes!
We're gonna be together
for all eternity, Leela.
No!
[Fry thuds] Ow!
Dammit! Which one of you idiots
left the roof open?
[nasally] Oh, right. Sorry.
[somber music playing]
Leela's gone.
And all I have to
remember her by is this boot.
[sobbing]
[inhales deeply, gags]
[sniffles] I know Leela and I
will be reunited someday,
either in Heaven,
or one big coffin.
[horn blasting]
Attention, science followers!
I've been asking myself,
what could cause a person
to rise up into the sky?
A trampoline? Not powerful enough.
A fusion canon?
[canon fires]
Too powerful.
But what about a tornado?
[tornado whooshing]
You've solved it, Professor!
[phone ringing]
Kif? I thought you guys
were sheltering at home.
[Zoidberg] Woop-woop-woop-woop!
[thuds, grunts]
We're right outside your office.
I just wanted to come by and, uh
[whispering] Embrace science.
Uh, y-yeah embrace science.
That's great! I'll be right out.
[door unlocking]
Aww, it's all my sweetie-pies.
Get her! But be gentle.
[Amy grunting] [muffled] What's going on?
We're doing this because we love you.
Shove her in the trunk.
[muffled grumbling]
[trunk door slams]
[car engine revving]
[somber music playing]
I can't go to Heaven. I can't.
Not with LaBarbara and Barbados Slim
up there linkin' halos!
Then quit sittin' on your
premium-sized ass, Hermes.
If you wanna go to Hell,
you're gonna have to earn it,
with some foul deeds.
You're right, my friend.
[Hermes grunts]
Hey! What was that for?!
Ooh, me next!
I wanna help, too.
Hold your horses.
[Hermes humming]
[spoon clinking]
[dramatic music playing]
[Hermes gasps]
Oopsie-dinkle. I meant to close that.
[Professor yelling, spitting]
[dramatic music playing]
[Amy]
Why are you kidnapping me?
You know my parents don't pay ransom.
I'm sorry, darling,
but we had to save you.
I hope the pillowcase wasn't too scratchy.
I got the highest thread count I could.
[duck quacking]
[ominous music playing]
I am the Grand Midwife.
[quacking continues]
Get off me! Shoo!
[wings fluttering]
What is this?
An intervention.
We're freeing you
from the cult of science.
Amy Wong, the sacred bond
between you and your Fon-Fon-Ru
has been shaken by your strange beliefs.
We must restore it with
the healing wisdom of the ancients.
[loudly chanting gibberish]
[rain stick rattling]
Um, will you be using
actual words at some point?
Nope, just spirit sounds.
[chanting gibberish]
Kif, is this really necessary?
I didn't know where else to turn.
We had to save you from
the Professor's brain-washing.
Brain-washing?
I mean, maybe we went a little overboard
with the robes and the yogurt.
It wasn't just yogurt,
it was a yogurt beverage!
I was so worried.
We're only saying that this all
might have a scientific explanation.
Is that really such a weird thing
to scream through a megaphone?
I suppose not.
Can you ever forgive me?
Of course.
[chanting gibberish continues]
Thank you, Grand Midwife.
We appreciate your time.
Sorry, it takes five more hours.
[continues chanting gibberish]
[rain stick rattling]
[whooshing sounds]
Uh
Huh.
I guess I'll just read the rest to myself.
[soft, mysterious music playing]
[sign clicking]
[clicking accelerating]
[sign clicks]
[soft, mysterious music playing]
[cans rattling]
This here's a robbery.
Gimme all your knives!
[knives clattering]
You expect me to believe
that's all you got?!
[knives clattering]
Ow! Ow! Haw-haw, ow!
Ow! Ow!
[soft, mysterious music playing]
[scratching]
All my experiments have brought us
no closer to understanding.
I don't deserve to wear this beard.
We're starvin', Professor.
It's been a week since we ate
the last packet of coffee creamer.
Please, let us out to scavenge.
And risk you floating away?
No chance.
I know this is difficult,
but if we can stay the course,
science will give us the answer.
Fry's dead.
Oh, what have I done?!
Now I'm down to just two pallbearers.
Fry, you can't be dead!
I'm gonna try fist-to-crotch
resuscitation.
[Bender grunts]
Ow.
Damn you, old man.
If it weren't for you
and your precious science,
Fry could still have children!
[somber music playing]
You're right.
After a lifetime of devotion,
science has failed me.
[beaker shatters]
I've always considered
religion a pointless charade,
but now it seems prayer
is all we have left.
[bones cracking]
Oh, Heavenly Father,
let me first apologize
for referring to you
as "Magic Space Grandpa"
for over a century.
I humbly beg for your mercy,
and beseech you to provide
sustenance for the hungry
no onions
at this address.
Your loyal servant, Hubert.
Amen.
Ugh! I feel so dirty.
[epic heavenly music playing]
[gasps] Look! Is that food?
[sniffing] That heavenly aroma,
that radioactive color
It's a cheese puff!
Your prayer worked, Professor.
Stop rubbing it in.
I see now that science is but
a shoddy substitute for faith.
The Almighty has blessed us
with snack food.
And not just any snack food,
the most irresistible
snack food ever made!
[suspenseful music playing]
Fry, no!
[chomps]
[Fry whooshing]
[group gasping]
I don't remember leaving
the roof open for a third time.
It's not too late!
Close it!
[button beeps]
[doors whirring]
[dramatic music playing]
Huh. I hope his legs aren't in there.
[epic music playing]
[Professor Farnsworth]
It wasn't some supernatural power.
It was a simple hook!
A simple trans-phase plasma hook
on a simple mono-molecular force-filament!
I should have never doubted science.
This will haunt me 'til my dying day.
So, like, tomorrow?
Wait! If we're not up against
an all-powerful deity,
let's find out what we are up against.
To the ship!
Ow!
[dramatic music playing]
[roof crashing]
[music stops]
Dammit! Who left the roof closed?
[soft, mysterious music playing]
[Fry whooshing]
What is that thing, Chay?
We are witnessin' somethin' weird, bro.
It's a baby whale!
[water sloshing]
Nah, it's not a whale,
but it's wicked ugly.
Chuck it in the cellar.
[coughs] Thanks.
Got any more cheese puffs?
[Fry grunting]
[Fry thuds]
Leela!
I knew we'd end up together
in Cheese Puff
[slowing down] Heaven.
[line reeling]
[water sloshing]
Aw, geez.
That is definitely bycatch there.
Eh, I've been called worse.
Toss it in the chum bucket.
Welcome, chum.
[soft, suspenseful music playing]
[Bender] Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Something!
[ship whooshing]
[dramatic music playing]
Chay, you seein' this?
It's the freakin' mama whale!
[ramp squeaking, thuds]
Oh-my-lanta!
It's a fishing boat.
And we're the fish!
[dramatic sting]
Eh, this one we could use for chowdah.
This here's a chowdah can.
And this is some sushi-grade
belly meat right here.
- Look-it this.
- Damn right.
It's still talkin', Mahk.
Hit it with the club.
Now hold on, Mahk!
You can't treat us like seafood.
We're an intelligent species.
Oh, yeah, you're wicked smaht.
"Duh, I'm eatin' cheese puffs on a hook
'cause I'm a brainiac!"
[both laughing]
How dare you space-townies
drop that sick burn!
Whoa, kid, you wanna go, bro?
[fishermen grumbling]
[team whimpering]
[siren wailing]
[Chay gasps] It's the gahd!
[grand orchestral music playing]
"God"?
The Coast Gahd!
[ship horn bellows]
[ramp squeaking]
Somebody report illegal fishing operation?
I report ed it.
[dial tone trilling]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ain't nothin' illegal 'bout fishin'.
That's true, if you follow regulations.
But you've violated multiple subsections
of the Planetary Fisheries Treaty of 2936!
[dramatic sting]
[fishermen gasping]
First off, you failed to submit
the $18 fee to renew your license.
I got the Dunkins.
You were supposed to get the license!
Also, you've caught
slightly more than your quota.
And some of your catch
is under the legal size.
Hi, Professor!
I told ya to filet them little ones first!
This nitpicking snitch is correct.
The law says you must treat Earth
as sustainable fishery.
Like serious, bro?
Very serious, bro.
I have no choice but to issue
the first of three courtesy warnings.
And you must release all your catchings!
[fishermen grumbling]
[mechanical whirring]
You can keep that one.
[Professor munching]
[triumphant music playing]
Haw-haw!
Ah! ah!
[Roberto yelling]
[bodies flopping]
[group chattering]
And then I threw coffee at the Professor!
Well, science has prevailed.
Time to ditch this ridiculous garment.
[group groaning]
Ugh.
Ah, back to normal.
You have to wonder,
could the whole concept
of ascending to Heaven
have come from ancient people
being caught by space fishermen?
Maybe. Or, it could be a miracle.
It's impossible to say.
My money's on fishermen.
[stammers] But that's just me.
Everyone is free to believe as they like.
Wow, you never talk like that, Professor.
Is it possible all this has
broadened your mind a little?
[soft music playing]
No.
♪♪
[fanfare playing]