Futurama s10e09 Episode Script

1
[upbeat theme music playing]
[glass shatters]
[theme concludes]
[soft, romantic music playing]
[Fry and Leela moaning]
[Bender]
Hey, you mind keepin' it down?
[remote clicks]
[dramatic tones playing on TV]
[higher-pitched tones playing]
[audience laughter on TV]
What? Now he's got a wacky neighbor?
Bender, maybe you should get out more.
No, maybe you should get out more.
[turns off TV]
Hmm, maybe we should.
I'd love to try that expensive
new Elzar restaurant.
It's supposed to be very expensive.
Mm, I don't know. It sounds expensive.
Oh, come on.
It'll give me a chance to
wear my little black tank top.
[sing-song] Just go already! ♪
[regal orchestral music playing]
Uh, hi. We have a reservation for Fry?
Oh, yeah.
The rest of your party's already seated.
Rest of our party?
Baby, I'm the entire party.
I decided you were right.
I needed to get out more.
Good for you.
Whoa! Look at all the celebrities.
The Queen of Yonkers
[glasses clink]
Billionairebot,
[gasps] And Daytime Emmy nominee Calculon!
I am a demanding actor,
so I must order off the menu.
Yes, sir. Here's the off-the-menu menu.
Hmm, I don't see anything
inconveniencing enough.
It's anybody who's everybody!
Yo, we're tryin' not
to be noticed right here.
How come you didn't notice us?
Whoa, the Robot Mafia!
[shouting] Not so loud. We're criminals!
♪♪
You folks want me to bam some
freshly shaved truffle on that?
Uh, maybe. How much is it?
Market price.
Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
That's why we say it that way.
Uh [stammering]
Thank you, but we'll pass.
Oh, thank God.
It's okay.
Your friend said he'd take yours.
Bam, bam, bam, bam,
bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
You missed a spot.
Bam?
[Bender chomps, gasps]
Oh, my God, you guys.
I don't even have a sense of taste
and these are incredible!
You gotta try some!
[all chomping]
[all moaning]
Is what they're having on the menu?
- Yes.
- Damn.
♪♪
Wow.
Whatever that cost, it was worth it.
So your total is $83 for the food
That seems reasonable.
plus $5,000.10 for the truffles,
which brings us to a grand total
of somethin' like $30,000.
[Fry chokes, yelps]
Holy crap, Fry.
I had no idea you were so generous.
But But But I can't afford that!
No? Well then you're gonna have
to wash dishes for a month.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one wants to see that.
Isn't there a more interesting
way to resolve this?
[curtains sliding open]
There is.
[dramatic music playing]
We, the Robot Mafia, will pay Fry's tab.
But one day, many years from now,
I will ask a favor in return.
Well, deal! I mean, many years from now?
- I might be dead before then.
- Yes.
[ominous music plays]
Or right around then.
Man, those truffles
they were indescribable.
That's exactly how I would describe 'em!
What are they? Eggs? Nuts?
I don't know.
But of all the things I've shoved in my
mouth without knowing what they were,
they were definitely the best.
They're a fungus, you boobs!
You're a fungus!
A rare subterranean fungus
whose unique flavor derives
from certain complex molecules,
which I will now describe at length.
[group groaning]
Aw, geez, not again.
I'm so bored, I'm in pain!
Hang on.
When I was little,
my butler's assistant used to show me
educational films for rich kids.
[screen menu beeping]
[Amy] No No
No. Oh, I mean yes!
[vaudeville music playing]
[movie announcer] Truffles!
The little fungus with the big price tag!
Meet Neville.
Neville is enjoying a fresh truffle.
[chomping]
Yum! What is a truffle, anyway?
[announcer] For God's sake,
this is your ninth movie
and you never know a damn thing.
How did you get this job?
'Cause you're my father.
[grunts] You see, Neville
truffles are fine delicacies
native to the peasant-infested
farmlands of France and Italy.
But to find them,
you have to have a nose for it.
[pig squealing]
Or should I say, snout!
Look, Papa, it's a foul swine!
And his trusty pig!
[announcer]
Fortunately, due to overharvesting,
truffles became rare and expensive,
available only to the better families.
And eventually,
the truffle hunt moved off-world
to that fertile expanse of space
known as the Truffle Belt
[space tractor thuds]
where the adventurous
seek their fortunes.
Fortunes?!
I've always wanted some of those!
[pig snorting]
[announcer] Keep it up, yokels,
and one day you'll be rich!
Just don't move into our neighborhood.
[chuckles]
Seriously.
I heard Neville died from
eating Pop Rocks and Coke.
Au revoir, meat baguettes.
I am off to ze Truffle Belt
to seek my how you say fortunini?
That's not how you say it.
That's how I say it!
[accordion playing upbeat music]
And I thought he was rude
before he was French.
[adventurous music playing]
[scooter whirring]
[slurps cigar]
[Bender humming]
[scooter clunks]
[pigs snorting]
Bone-jer, moan-sir.
Where ze 'ell are you supposed to be from?
Uh, France?
Never 'eard of eet.
Uh, "Frahnce"?
Ah, oui, Frahnce!
Love that place.
So, can I have your pig?
You get own pig! Oink, oink, oink.
Wow, can I have your talking pig?
All ze pigs can talk here!
Zey are genetically engineered
so zey can tell us where are ze truffles.
Can I have him or not?
- No!
- Oink, oink, oink, oink.
[mud splashes]
[Bender sputters]
I don't understand.
Frenchmen are usually so welcoming.
[auctioneer] Alright, next up,
another run-of-the-mill
genetically modified talking truffle pig.
- Neat.
- [auctioneer] Do I hear $800?
Eight hundred dollars!
I didn't hear that.
Let me turn up my hearing aid.
[high-pitched squealing]
Alright, let's hear that bid again,
but not too loud.
Eight hundred dollars!
Eight hundred dollars!
Eight hundred dollars!
Sold to the last guy here
who didn't already buy a pig!
Um, uh, I want a truffle pig too,
but I left my wallet in my other legs.
You, sir, are in luck.
I've got one pig left that's so lousy,
I'll pay you to take it away.
[pigs snorting]
[dramatic sting]
Yay! I'm getting sold-ed!
What is that, a shaved gerbil?
I'll start the bidding at negative $1.
Negative $1. Will you take negative one?
Negative one?
No, I'll go down to two.
Two, negative two dollars?
Do I hear negative two? No.
How 'bout negative five?
I don't know. It's pretty runty.
I'll go to negative 20. Negative 20.
Negative 20, sold!
Alright! I'm gonna call you Jambone.
Wow! A name.
Like in the movies.
[upbeat music playing]
[Jambone snorting]
Okay, Jambone, make me rich.
You smell any money?
You mean truffles?
Oh, right, I forgot
there was a middle step.
Get busy. Work that sniffer!
But, Mr. Bender,
you need to put a little house on my nose.
Why? Are you into weird stuff?
So I don't eat the truffles.
They smell so good.
Oh, I really, really
want to eat a truffle,
but I'm not allowed to eat a truffle,
so I can't eat a truffle.
Put the house on!
Ugh.
There. Now stick your face
in the dirt and get sniffin'
while I take in the rustic scenery.
[pleasant music playing]
[Jambone snorting]
[Bender scat singing]
Zut alors!
[machinery whirring]
[jackhammer rattling]
[conveyor belt whirring]
[grate rattling]
[scoffs] I would hardly call this rustic.
What gives?!
[engine revving]
Procuring delicacies is
not for ze faint of heart.
[engine roaring]
That's it. No one spits on my equipment!
They may have a big fancy
truffle truck, but I've got
Uh
Ah crap, I don't have anything!
Now, come on, let's find some truffles!
[upbeat, energetic music playing]
[Jambone snorting excitedly]
[drill whirring]
[upbeat music continues]
[excited snorting]
[both cheering]
Woo! [laughs]
[snorting]
[both yelping]
[clattering, Bender grunting]
Aw, man!
[Jambone panting]
[Jambone yelps]
[dramatic music playing]
[Jambone panting]
[pigs snorting, squealing]
[Jambone panting]
[snorting, squealing excitedly]
[laughing] We did it, Jambone!
We make a great team!
Yay! [grunting, groaning]
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
[door creaking, door bells jingle]
Good day, sir.
I hope you got a lot of money,
'cause I've got this!
Woo-hoo-hoo, boy! That's a beaut.
Let's give it a sniff.
[power surging]
[device sniffing]
[device beeping, chimes]
Mm, that's a good-smellin' number!
[chewing] Mm, mm, mm.
Yessir.
The Truffle Cartel will give ya
3,000 smackaroonies for it.
How much is that in dollars?
At the current exchange rate? Uh, 3,000.
We did it, Jambone!
I'm rich and you're here, too.
[cackling] Hang on.
Cartel gets a cut.
Ten lousy smackaroonies?
We can buy a truffle!
It's hopeless, Jambone.
I'm headin' back to Earth.
I'd take you with me, but I don't want to.
But Bender, rich people need truffles.
What will they shave on their entrées?
Let them shave cake.
Wait, I smell a smell.
[Jambone sniffing, snorting]
[excited snorting]
It's truffles!
The most I've ever smell-ed!
Big whoop. It's another truffle asteroid.
They're all the same.
Not so.
Why, that one there's more different
from all the rest put together.
- Which one?
- [Cookie] This one.
- [Bender] That one?
- [Cookie] That one!
That's the most remote asteroid
in the whole belt.
But ain't no one what went never returned.
I'd like to think it's 'cause
they died in agony.
[cackling]
Why do you like to think that?
'Cause I'm psychotic!
Now, you listen up and you listen good.
There may be a king's ransom
of truffles out there,
but it ain't worth squat
if you're lyin' dead
and buzzards are peckin' out your
Oh, there they go.
[scooter whirring]
[Cookie cackling]
[dramatic orchestral music playing]
[scooter whirring]
[sighs] It's very comfy here.
[squeals]
Man, this place is gorgeous.
That old coot didn't know
what he was cackling about.
[Jambone grunts] Wee! Wee!
[snorting]
Hey, what are you doing?
Frolickin'?! You cut that out!
But the floor is so fluffy!
[snorting, sighing]
Oh, yeah. I feel like I belong here.
Yeah, that's great,
but it's not gettin' me any closer to
the exclusive world of yacht ownership.
Let's hunt some truffle.
But where? There's no trees.
Truffles need trees, Bender.
No trees?!
But you promised me riches beyond belief!
I'm leavin'.
[ground sloshing]
Hey, get back up here!
[wondrous orchestral music playing]
This whole dingus is just
one big ball of trees.
We need to figure out
some way down to the roots,
where the truffles are.
[Jambone yelling]
Of course! Plummeting.
Why didn't I think of that?
[Bender and Jambone yelling]
- Oh Hmm.
- Ah Ah.
Gravity's kinda low.
We can start yelling again when
we get closer to the ground.
[wind whistling]
Okay, go.
[both yelling]
Perfect. You start lookin' for truffles
while I complain about
how long it's taking you.
[sniffing, snorts]
- Found one.
- Already?
Well, then I'll complain
about how small it is.
Whoa, this is so big, it's gonna be
hard to complain about,
but I'll try.
[snorting] Here's another one.
[snorts] And another.
[giddily laughing]
I'm gonna need my nano-sack.
I love you, Jambone!
I love you too, Mr. Bender.
Shut up, piggy. I know it.
♪♪
People, it's time to come
to terms with the fact
that we'll probably never
see Bender again.
'Kay.
So, uh can I use his chair?
This apple crate is pretty splintery.
Certainly not!
That chair was graced by Bender's ass.
We shall leave it as a relic
for those who make pilgrimage
to pay their respects.
[knocking at door]
[dramatic music playing]
If you're here to see the chair,
it'll be 10 bucks.
We're not here to see the chair.
Hold on, boss. It's a pretty nice chair.
Ya like that chair so much,
I'll bust it over your head!
- Oh!
- Boys, please.
We're here on crime business to collect
the Mafia favor that Fry owes us.
Yeah [stammering]
But you said that wouldn't
happen for many years.
I find people worry less
when I say it that way.
Who needs the stress?
[claws clamping]
It's a silent killer!
[thrilling music playing]
Aw yeah, I'm rich!
So rich, I'll never have to work again.
But you will.
We'll come back every day 'til that
snout of yours is worn to the bone.
It doesn't have a bone. It's boneless.
Well, worn to a stump then.
Yeah, you know what I mean. Now come on!
We need to haul this booty to the surface.
[Jambone squeals, grunts]
I'll just monkey on up, no sweat.
I wonder why people think
this place is so dangerous
[yelps]
[dramatic sting]
[Jambone yelps]
[dramatic sting]
[Bender yelps]
[dramatic sting]
[Jambone yelps]
[dramatic sting]
[both yelping]
[dramatic music intensifies]
Yeesh. If I fall, remind me not to
land on one of those thorns.
[stick bug growling]
Ah! A stick bug!
[snarling]
Ah! A second stick bug!
[stick bugs growling, snarling]
[Bender yelling]
Mr. Bender?
Remember not to fall on a thorn.
[thorn scurrying]
[bag thuds]
[Bender grunts, groans]
Why do all these monsters
look like something else?
Maybe to hide from a worser monster?
[suspenseful music playing]
[branches rustling]
[thorn yelps]
[wind whooshing]
[Bender] My scooter! We're saved!
[scooter whirring]
[rope creaking]
[crashing]
[scooter whirring]
Yes! Nothing between us and freedom
except these regular leaves.
[monster roaring]
And their monster.
[dramatic music playing]
[roaring]
It's a leafy tree dragon!
[growling]
[brakes screeching]
[bag thuds]
[grunts]
[laughing] Uh-oh.
[scooter whooshing]
[rope creaking]
[bag whooshing]
[leafy tree dragon snarling]
[roaring]
Maybe it's a nice monster.
[dramatic music playing]
[chomps loudly]
[slurping]
[chewing]
[dramatic music playing]
Stop it!
Stop savoring my friend!
[leafy tree dragon moaning]
[branches cracking]
Hi.
- Bender?!
- Fry!
Oh, Fry, I was hoping you'd come
so I could talk about how rich I am now.
That whole sack is stuffed with truffles!
[dramatic music playing]
Hand over the truffles.
- What truffles?
- Yo, you hear that, boss?
He said, "What truffles?"
That's not the kinda thing
a guy with truffles would say.
Clamps, confiscate that bag.
Even if it contains no truffles,
it's a nice bag.
I'll use my clamps.
[clamps, snips]
Man, how'd you even know we were here?
We are the Truffle Cartel.
The entire Truffle Cartel.
We have sophisticated means
of gathering information.
It was me!
I told 'em.
[cackling]
Now can I get my clothes back?
[pensive music playing]
Fry, we thank you for the use
of your delivery ship.
Your debt to the Robot Mafia
has been repaid.
Someday, you may ask us for a favor.
We take turns.
It's common courtesy!
[claw clamps]
[gentle music playing]
[Jambone] So, so beautiful.
I'm gonna do one last roly-poly
before we go.
[snorting, squealing]
At least I had one moment of joy
in a life of drudgery.
Where will the truffle hunt take us next?
Nowhere. You're free, Jambone.
I'm releasing you from nose jail.
Really?
I can stay here in this paradise
and prance and frolic?
Just stick to frolicking.
[emotional] Thank you, Mr. Bender.
You're the kindest person I've ever met.
Really? [crying] That's horrible.
[Leela]
Quit sobbing, Bender. It's time to go!
You've been a good friend, Jambone.
I want you to have this.
[whispering]
I stole it from myself earlier.
You can finally taste one!
They're even better than you could
imagine with your tiny pig brain.
You know, Bender,
I've spent my whole life chasing truffles.
Three whole weeks!
All I wanted was to taste one.
But I've come to realize
they're just a symbol of my servitude.
I respect that. But eat it.
No.
I reject this blood truffle.
I reject the whole oppressive system
that exists just so wealthy snobs
can gorge at the trough of gluttony!
Ah, come on, you earned it.
I will never, ever respect you
if you don't snarf that fungus.
- I won't.
- Eat it.
- No.
- Yes!
[sighs] Fine.
If it means that much to you.
[snorts, chomps]
And? And?!
It's good.
Thank you.
Really good.
Farewell, old pork.
[crew grunting, groaning]
[Amy panting]
Bender, wanna give us a hand?
Hell no.
[cargo lift whirring]
[doors thudding]
[ship zooming]
[triumphant orchestral music playing]
[people chattering]
Welcome back to
the 10th Annual Glutton Awards.
Before we present our final Gluttie
and move on to dinner
[crowd cheering]
Let's all raise a big gulp of Cabernet
in memory of the distinguished gluttons
we lost last year.
[touching music playing]
I'm overcome
with anticipation!
[drumroll]
For his tireless work in providing fondue
to the over-nourished,
the Gluttie Award goes to
Hedonismbot!
[triumphant orchestral music playing]
[audience applauding]
[Hedonismbot laughing]
Woo-hoo!
Thank you, fellow gluttons.
If I have eaten more,
it is only because I have stood
on the bellies of giants.
I would be remiss if I didn't thank food
for being so delicious.
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm due at the Perversion Awards.
Oh my. [chuckles]
[audience applauding]
That's our show, folks.
Bring on the truffles!
[bright orchestral music playing]
[audience gasping, marveling]
Let the gluttony begin!
[bright orchestral music continues]
[all gasping]
[Bender] Jambone?
Yes, it is I.
What happened?
You should never have given me
that truffle, Bender.
[dramatic music playing]
[chomping]
After that first taste,
I never had a chance,
genetically engineered as I was
to crave them.
[quivering]
Just before you took off,
I jumped into the truffle crate.
[dramatic sting]
It's probably the last time
I'll jump anywhere.
[belches loudly]
You disgust me, sir,
which is difficult to do.
Bravo!
[audience applauding]
I hope you're all proud of yourselves.
I slaved away my life
to feed your foul gluttony.
I despised your kind.
But now, look at me!
It's hard not to.
[emotional] I'm the biggest glutton
that ever was!
You tell 'em, Jambone!
Um, this is all very touching,
but what are we supposed to eat?
Might I suggest some juicy
truffle-fed pork?
[ominous music playing]
[audience clamoring]
- Uh-oh.
- Run, Jambone!
Run like the wind!
[Jambone panting]
Holster your cutlery.
None shall harm this pork.
[crowd gasps]
Jambone here is as fine a glutton
as any of us.
And if we eat one of our own,
why then, we are no better
than skinny people.
[sniffles]
[slurps tear]
Even my atrophied conscience
will not permit me to accept this award
when a glutton of this magnitude
sags before me.
Mr. Jambone, I humbly relinquish
the Glutton of the Year Award to you.
[triumphant orchestral music playing]
[audience applauding]
Thank you.
I'm deeply honored and ashamed.
[wood creaking]
[sobbing] That's my boy!
♪♪
[fanfare playing]