Futurama s11e01 Episode Script
Beef
1
One, two, three, lift!
Wow, we failed faster than usual.
-Let's get drunk!
-I'm in!
Sorry, Professor,
this gravity pump
is just too heavy to lift.
Hang on, you weak dopes!
Now it's too light to lift!
So, why does an amusement park
need a gravity pump?
It's not for the park.
It's for the physics department
at the college next door.
Coney Island Community College?
That's my alma mater!
Man, I have such fond memories
of failing outta here.
Hey, step right up!
You pays your tuition,
you takes your chances!
Good afternoon, Dr. Carny.
We're delivering
the gravity pump you ordered
for your relativity seminar.
Seminar?
Yeah, yeah, that's what it's for.
Here's a little somethin'
for your trouble.
Mm.
The campus has hardly changed.
There's the old library!
Shh!
It's kind of hard to tell
where the amusement park ends
and the school begins.
Well, the college operates the midway
to subsidize the endowment.
Endowment? Yeah, yeah,
that's, uh, that's what it's for.
Ooh! I took this freshman year!
Hey!
Hey!
Try your luck, folks!
Get the ball in a bowl,
take home a sick fish
in a bag of cloudy water!
Those poor fish!
I'm gonna win one and bring it home,
so it can die more quickly.
Hey!
Ironically, the hot dog, or frankfurter,
was invented in the city of Hamburg,
whereas the hamburger
was invented in Frankfurt.
The birthplace of the Vienna sausage
remains a mystery.
Whoa, the history of the wienermobile!
Fun fact, the wienermobile
actually predates the wiener!
In 1876 came the wienercycle,
and 50 years later,
Henry Ford's Model W,
the world's first mass-produced
wienermobile.
Wartime led to the development
of the amphibious assault wiener.
Then, with the rise of the suburbs,
the four-door wiener-wagon.
And of course, let's not forget,
the fully electric cyber-wiener.
"Hotdog Eating Hall of Fame"?
That was considered a sport?
Oh, it was huge!
Competitive eaters
were every bit as respected
as beer pong players.
That's me there.
I lettered in hotdog.
You were an athlete? Wow!
I can't believe I never noticed
your broad, hotdog-lifting shoulders.
It was the one thing
in my whole life I was really good at.
I could have gone all the way.
To what?
Hey, here's another photo of you!
Well, half of you.
Who's that other guy
I already don't like
based on his wraparound sunglasses?
Brocky J, the villain of this flashback.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,
six-time reigning champion,
the Great Neck from Great Neck,
Brocky J!
He was the pinnacle of athleticism.
Yo! Strong Island in the house!
Two packs a day, baby!
Thanks for coming and supporting me, Mom.
What? No, I'm here for Brocky J.
We love you, Brocky!
Three
two
I may not have had
Brocky's God-given physique,
but I had a stretchy stomach
and my patented no-chew technique.
I swallowed the hotdogs whole,
then mixed the buns with water
to make a refreshing shake.
Ah.
Yo, we almost done?
I gotta get to another
hotdog eating contest.
I'm also in a pie-eating contest.
What's this?!
An unheralded newcomer
has pulled within a single
pack of the champ.
Boo!
Can he do it?
No, he cannot!
For the seventh year in a row,
Brocky J takes the Beef Belt!
Congrats, buddy,
you came in second place.
AKA you lost!
Also, your mom gave me her number.
Yeah-ya!
What a jerk!
I was in training
to beat him the next year,
but that's when I got frozen.
FYI, that's how I ended up
here in the future.
So, now you tell us!
I never got my rematch.
And you never will. Brocky's dead!
Oh, wait, it was 1,000 years ago.
Poor fella died from eatin'
an undercooked hotdog.
Aww.
Beautiful display, though!
Sometimes I miss having a skill.
There's a hotdog stand right here.
I bet you still got the moves.
Yeah? Maybe I do!
One hotdog, please.
Enjoy.
Help!
Help!
Stand back! I know the Heimlich maneuver!
L'Heimlich!
I don't understand.
Hotdogs used to just slide down my gullet,
like a flume ride.
Well, naturally!
The hotdogs you ate in 1999
were made from beef.
But ever since cows went extinct,
they've been made from plants
and plant byproducts.
They managed to recreate
the flavor perfectly,
but they never got the coefficient
of friction quite right.
Then my dreams of being
a hotdog-eating champion are dead.
I'm hanging up my barf bag.
Do they even hold
the hotdog eatin' contest anymore?
Nah, they canceled the whole kajigger.
Once they switched to veggie,
the winner could only eat
maybe six or seven dogs.
No one wants to see that.
Quit wasting my time!
Stupid veggie dogs!
Wrecked my one chance
to be good at something.
You're pretty good at whining.
Ooh, now, hold on.
Perhaps science holds a solution.
Science? I've heard of that.
The cow may be extinct,
but its DNA might still exist.
For example
if a mosquito bit a cow
and was subsequently
preserved in amber,
we might be able to extract DNA
from the blood cells it drank!
Scientists discovered
the technique in 1993
by watching Jurassic Park.
If there's even the slightest chance
to bring back slippery beef,
we've gotta move mountains!
Hmm.
We'd need to search someplace
that had tons of cattle
and tons of mosquitoes.
Yee-haw!
I reckon we're off to Texas
to rustle up some amber, baby.
I'm afraid you've mis-reckoned, Bender.
Our best bet is Brazil.
Okay, okay, hang on.
Bossa nova, samba, samba! ♪
Cha-cha-cha! Hey! ♪
-This is a cattle ranch?
-It was.
But after cows went extinct,
it was abandoned,
and thousands of acres
of pristine rainforest
grew in its place.
What a tragedy.
Amber is actually fossilized tree resin.
So, occasionally,
mosquitoes and other pests
become trapped in it.
Friends, help!
I'm being preserved!
Quiet, Zoidberg.
-I found some amber.
-Me too!
And what's that in the water?
Ow!
Moo-reka!
We got one chunk of amber
with a mosquito that bit a cow!
The rest of this precious garbage can go.
Now, we just need to extract
some putrefied blood
from the mosquito's withered bowels.
Ew!
Oh, don't worry,
it's far too tiny to be disgusting.
Gotcha!
Each cloning chamber
should produce a full-grown cow
in precisely three to five business days!
And we're back.
Release the cows!
Here they come!
Where's the beef?
Dammit!
I must have cloned mosquito cells
instead of cow cells.
Jeff Goldblum made it
look so easy in the movie.
Oh, no, I'm afraid I have malaria!
And I'm afraid I gave it
to the mosquito that bit me.
I'll try lightin' up
some Jamaican citronella.
-Does it work?
-No.
But if you get bitten,
you don't care as much.
I'm sorry, Fry.
Despite our craziest efforts,
it seems the cow's genetic profile
is lost forever.
I wish I had died
like Brocky J.
Wait! The citronella gave me an idea!
This undercooked death-dog
might still contain cow DNA.
I'll cut the glass,
then swap in a half-chewed veggie dog
of exactly the same mass.
Just take it!
It's disgusting.
I hate lookin' at that thing!
Aw, come on!
You're taking the fun out of it!
Fine!
Stop, thief.
You'll never get away with it.
I just pray this hotdog is as undercooked
as the history books say.
Release the I-hope-cows!
We have the meats!
Aw, it's adorable.
Look at those sweet, sad ears.
It's like those paintings
of the big-eyed kids
who you wanna punch in the face.
What are you sad about, buddy?
Don't be scared.
You can tell me.
I mean, I guess I knew in my heart
that the cows had to be killed,
I just didn't know in my brain.
Now, now, no use crying
over spilled blood.
You can rest easy knowing
the cows are killed
instantaneously!
So, they don't suffer?
'Cause I can't bear the thought
of a living creature suffering.
Well, whether they suffer or not
is a difficult philosophical question.
Maybe they don't
experience pain like we do.
Or maybe they like having a metal bolt
fired through their skull
at the speed of sound.
Eh, you gotta break a few cows
to make a hotdog.
I love 100% all-beef hotdogs
more than anything in the world!
Well, anything except Leela.
I'm just happy to make the list.
But you know what they say:
if you love something, set it free.
Unless it's Leela.
Someone call a cow ambulance!
I couldn't let those poor cows suffer.
It's just too bad
you can't have beef without cows.
What?! That's easy!
Why didn't you say that before?
-Have you never heard of lab-grown meat?
-Never!
Neither have I!
But I'm confident I can make it
in vast quantities.
Instead of cloning the whole cow,
I'll just grow immense throbbing
globules of muscle fiber!
Yum!
The hard part was making the buns.
Okay, the moment of truth.
It's perfect!
Beef-ish, slippery,
and I'm getting tiny, little heartburn!
We're back in business!
By the way, we had gone out of business.
Hot dogs ♪
Lab-grown hot dogs ♪
All kinds of kids like them ♪
-Dumb kids ♪
-Ugly kids ♪
Kids with funny glasses ♪
-Old kids ♪
-Stinky kids ♪
Kids with shiny, metal asses ♪
FarnDogs!
The world's first 100%
meat-based veggie dogs!
The dogs kids really, really eat! ♪
The only thing growin' faster
than those vats of pulsatin' muscle fiber
is my bank account.
I-I mean, our bank account.
Free the beef! Free the beef!
We grew these in a vat.
No creature suffered.
What are you protesting?
Uh we're not sure.
That's why our signs are blank.
It just seems sorta like eh-eh.
You want a lab-grown hotdog?
Thanks, I'm pretty hungry,
By the way, in case you're interested,
we're bringing back the world-famous
hotdog eating contest!
I'm going into training!
It's time to get swole.
Did you just change on the street?
Yes, I did, Hermes.
I've gained 15 pounds
and I'm in the worst shape of my life.
I'm ready for action!
I'm proud of you.
And I'm kind of
into your new dad bod.
Hey, hey! No, bowm-chicka-bowm-bowm
the night before the big contest!
Oh! Oh, right! Sorry.
I never dated an elite athlete before.
Well, goodnight, everyone.
I'm gonna go get a few hours
of shut-mouth.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Wienerdome!
Don Cunningham here
for the historic return
of the Coney Island
Hotdog Eating Contest.
Proudly sponsored by FarnDogs,
the slippery dog that goes down fast.
I germinated them!
I'm so nervous. Am I sweating?
You look great.
I've honestly never found you hotter.
And now, let's meet the contestants
competing for the coveted Beef Belt.
Champion of the chicken wing circuit,
Joey Butternut!
Live sea urchin specialist,
Takeru Kobayashi the 43rd!
The Barbarian of the Buffet,
Slim Gluttenstein!
Junior league titleist, Tonya.
The mound of Jell-O
from Monticello,
H.G. Blob!
And coming out
of a thousand-year retirement,
runner-up at the 1999 competition
where he was brutally humiliated
by the legendary Brocky J,
it's Philip "Nice Try" Fry!
I've met him!
Okay, contestants,
you gotta put 'em down,
and you gotta keep 'em down,
no reversals.
On your marks!
Off your marks. We have a late entry.
Yo, yo, yo, what up, home slices?
The name's Brocky J!
But, this is impossible!
Not only is it not impossible,
it was inevitable!
I probably should've mentioned it earlier.
You see
the hotdog from which we
obtained our DNA sample
had been bitten by Brocky J.
It must have been contaminated
with a little of his saliva.
Hey, more than a little,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Evidently, the human DNA and cow DNA
combined in the growth tank
to form this trash-talking abomination.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I remember you.
You're that loser I wasted in 1999!
Hang on.
If you were just grown in a lab,
how can you have Brocky J's
memories and personality?
I read my autobiography on the way over.
Well, I guess that makes sense.
No, it actually doesn't!
When did you learn to read?!
I didn't! It's the audiobook.
Now, if you're done
with the interrogation, Kojak,
I'm ready to kick your ass a second time!
No one's kicking anyone's ass.
I mean Wait
I am, you're not.
Can I start over?
No! We're behind schedule.
Huh. I guess I don't really like hotdogs.
I've never tried one before.
Not for me, thanks.
That's one contestant down.
Thirty seconds into our competition,
the leader is H.G. Blob!
Security, take her away!
This is unbelievable, folks!
We're down to a rematch
of the historic 1999 finale,
when Philip Fry was decimated
obliterated,
dare I say, emasculated by
Will you shut up?!
That's my man up there!
You're pathetic, bro.
And by the way, I enjoyed
reading about your mom
in my autobiography!
Oh, God!
It hurts!
What's happening to me?!
Is there a doctor in the house?
I'm a doctor.
Mm!
Why does my stomach hurt so bad?!
I can't be sure,
but it might be because you ate
82 hotdogs in nine minutes.
I'm in freakin' agony!
You gotta do something, Doc!
Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do.
This is a severe stomachache,
and there's no cure
except to wait a little while
until it goes away.
I don't have a little while!
I can't bear it!
Fry, you and me go way back.
I need you to do me a solid.
Please.
Me? What can I do?
Put me out of my misery.
Eat me!
You want me to eat you alive?
I can't do that!
The whole idea of lab-grown meat
was to eliminate suffering.
I am suffering!
I'm begging you,
eat me!
I know you're not very good at it,
but, please, give it a shot!
Okay, if it will end your suffering.
God bless you.
I'll put a little mustard on me for you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are witnessing the most
selfless act of heroism
ever performed
at a competitive eating event.
The pain
it's gone.
Thank you
loser.
Hotdogs down!
I'm checking the scores, and
I don't believe it!
Philip Fry has won
with a record 163 hotdogs!
And that last one was a doozy!
This has been Don Cunningham,
signing off,
as I race to beat traffic
on the Verrazzano Bridge.
Here's your Beef Belt.
It just goes on like a regular belt.
I gotta run.
Friends, it's been quite a journey.
I'd like to thank the good people
at FarnDog Industries,
Leela for believing in me
Whoo!
And most of all, Brocky J,
for pushing me to reach my full potential.
He may be gone,
but a part of him is still here
with me.
Not for long!
One, two, three, lift!
Wow, we failed faster than usual.
-Let's get drunk!
-I'm in!
Sorry, Professor,
this gravity pump
is just too heavy to lift.
Hang on, you weak dopes!
Now it's too light to lift!
So, why does an amusement park
need a gravity pump?
It's not for the park.
It's for the physics department
at the college next door.
Coney Island Community College?
That's my alma mater!
Man, I have such fond memories
of failing outta here.
Hey, step right up!
You pays your tuition,
you takes your chances!
Good afternoon, Dr. Carny.
We're delivering
the gravity pump you ordered
for your relativity seminar.
Seminar?
Yeah, yeah, that's what it's for.
Here's a little somethin'
for your trouble.
Mm.
The campus has hardly changed.
There's the old library!
Shh!
It's kind of hard to tell
where the amusement park ends
and the school begins.
Well, the college operates the midway
to subsidize the endowment.
Endowment? Yeah, yeah,
that's, uh, that's what it's for.
Ooh! I took this freshman year!
Hey!
Hey!
Try your luck, folks!
Get the ball in a bowl,
take home a sick fish
in a bag of cloudy water!
Those poor fish!
I'm gonna win one and bring it home,
so it can die more quickly.
Hey!
Ironically, the hot dog, or frankfurter,
was invented in the city of Hamburg,
whereas the hamburger
was invented in Frankfurt.
The birthplace of the Vienna sausage
remains a mystery.
Whoa, the history of the wienermobile!
Fun fact, the wienermobile
actually predates the wiener!
In 1876 came the wienercycle,
and 50 years later,
Henry Ford's Model W,
the world's first mass-produced
wienermobile.
Wartime led to the development
of the amphibious assault wiener.
Then, with the rise of the suburbs,
the four-door wiener-wagon.
And of course, let's not forget,
the fully electric cyber-wiener.
"Hotdog Eating Hall of Fame"?
That was considered a sport?
Oh, it was huge!
Competitive eaters
were every bit as respected
as beer pong players.
That's me there.
I lettered in hotdog.
You were an athlete? Wow!
I can't believe I never noticed
your broad, hotdog-lifting shoulders.
It was the one thing
in my whole life I was really good at.
I could have gone all the way.
To what?
Hey, here's another photo of you!
Well, half of you.
Who's that other guy
I already don't like
based on his wraparound sunglasses?
Brocky J, the villain of this flashback.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,
six-time reigning champion,
the Great Neck from Great Neck,
Brocky J!
He was the pinnacle of athleticism.
Yo! Strong Island in the house!
Two packs a day, baby!
Thanks for coming and supporting me, Mom.
What? No, I'm here for Brocky J.
We love you, Brocky!
Three
two
I may not have had
Brocky's God-given physique,
but I had a stretchy stomach
and my patented no-chew technique.
I swallowed the hotdogs whole,
then mixed the buns with water
to make a refreshing shake.
Ah.
Yo, we almost done?
I gotta get to another
hotdog eating contest.
I'm also in a pie-eating contest.
What's this?!
An unheralded newcomer
has pulled within a single
pack of the champ.
Boo!
Can he do it?
No, he cannot!
For the seventh year in a row,
Brocky J takes the Beef Belt!
Congrats, buddy,
you came in second place.
AKA you lost!
Also, your mom gave me her number.
Yeah-ya!
What a jerk!
I was in training
to beat him the next year,
but that's when I got frozen.
FYI, that's how I ended up
here in the future.
So, now you tell us!
I never got my rematch.
And you never will. Brocky's dead!
Oh, wait, it was 1,000 years ago.
Poor fella died from eatin'
an undercooked hotdog.
Aww.
Beautiful display, though!
Sometimes I miss having a skill.
There's a hotdog stand right here.
I bet you still got the moves.
Yeah? Maybe I do!
One hotdog, please.
Enjoy.
Help!
Help!
Stand back! I know the Heimlich maneuver!
L'Heimlich!
I don't understand.
Hotdogs used to just slide down my gullet,
like a flume ride.
Well, naturally!
The hotdogs you ate in 1999
were made from beef.
But ever since cows went extinct,
they've been made from plants
and plant byproducts.
They managed to recreate
the flavor perfectly,
but they never got the coefficient
of friction quite right.
Then my dreams of being
a hotdog-eating champion are dead.
I'm hanging up my barf bag.
Do they even hold
the hotdog eatin' contest anymore?
Nah, they canceled the whole kajigger.
Once they switched to veggie,
the winner could only eat
maybe six or seven dogs.
No one wants to see that.
Quit wasting my time!
Stupid veggie dogs!
Wrecked my one chance
to be good at something.
You're pretty good at whining.
Ooh, now, hold on.
Perhaps science holds a solution.
Science? I've heard of that.
The cow may be extinct,
but its DNA might still exist.
For example
if a mosquito bit a cow
and was subsequently
preserved in amber,
we might be able to extract DNA
from the blood cells it drank!
Scientists discovered
the technique in 1993
by watching Jurassic Park.
If there's even the slightest chance
to bring back slippery beef,
we've gotta move mountains!
Hmm.
We'd need to search someplace
that had tons of cattle
and tons of mosquitoes.
Yee-haw!
I reckon we're off to Texas
to rustle up some amber, baby.
I'm afraid you've mis-reckoned, Bender.
Our best bet is Brazil.
Okay, okay, hang on.
Bossa nova, samba, samba! ♪
Cha-cha-cha! Hey! ♪
-This is a cattle ranch?
-It was.
But after cows went extinct,
it was abandoned,
and thousands of acres
of pristine rainforest
grew in its place.
What a tragedy.
Amber is actually fossilized tree resin.
So, occasionally,
mosquitoes and other pests
become trapped in it.
Friends, help!
I'm being preserved!
Quiet, Zoidberg.
-I found some amber.
-Me too!
And what's that in the water?
Ow!
Moo-reka!
We got one chunk of amber
with a mosquito that bit a cow!
The rest of this precious garbage can go.
Now, we just need to extract
some putrefied blood
from the mosquito's withered bowels.
Ew!
Oh, don't worry,
it's far too tiny to be disgusting.
Gotcha!
Each cloning chamber
should produce a full-grown cow
in precisely three to five business days!
And we're back.
Release the cows!
Here they come!
Where's the beef?
Dammit!
I must have cloned mosquito cells
instead of cow cells.
Jeff Goldblum made it
look so easy in the movie.
Oh, no, I'm afraid I have malaria!
And I'm afraid I gave it
to the mosquito that bit me.
I'll try lightin' up
some Jamaican citronella.
-Does it work?
-No.
But if you get bitten,
you don't care as much.
I'm sorry, Fry.
Despite our craziest efforts,
it seems the cow's genetic profile
is lost forever.
I wish I had died
like Brocky J.
Wait! The citronella gave me an idea!
This undercooked death-dog
might still contain cow DNA.
I'll cut the glass,
then swap in a half-chewed veggie dog
of exactly the same mass.
Just take it!
It's disgusting.
I hate lookin' at that thing!
Aw, come on!
You're taking the fun out of it!
Fine!
Stop, thief.
You'll never get away with it.
I just pray this hotdog is as undercooked
as the history books say.
Release the I-hope-cows!
We have the meats!
Aw, it's adorable.
Look at those sweet, sad ears.
It's like those paintings
of the big-eyed kids
who you wanna punch in the face.
What are you sad about, buddy?
Don't be scared.
You can tell me.
I mean, I guess I knew in my heart
that the cows had to be killed,
I just didn't know in my brain.
Now, now, no use crying
over spilled blood.
You can rest easy knowing
the cows are killed
instantaneously!
So, they don't suffer?
'Cause I can't bear the thought
of a living creature suffering.
Well, whether they suffer or not
is a difficult philosophical question.
Maybe they don't
experience pain like we do.
Or maybe they like having a metal bolt
fired through their skull
at the speed of sound.
Eh, you gotta break a few cows
to make a hotdog.
I love 100% all-beef hotdogs
more than anything in the world!
Well, anything except Leela.
I'm just happy to make the list.
But you know what they say:
if you love something, set it free.
Unless it's Leela.
Someone call a cow ambulance!
I couldn't let those poor cows suffer.
It's just too bad
you can't have beef without cows.
What?! That's easy!
Why didn't you say that before?
-Have you never heard of lab-grown meat?
-Never!
Neither have I!
But I'm confident I can make it
in vast quantities.
Instead of cloning the whole cow,
I'll just grow immense throbbing
globules of muscle fiber!
Yum!
The hard part was making the buns.
Okay, the moment of truth.
It's perfect!
Beef-ish, slippery,
and I'm getting tiny, little heartburn!
We're back in business!
By the way, we had gone out of business.
Hot dogs ♪
Lab-grown hot dogs ♪
All kinds of kids like them ♪
-Dumb kids ♪
-Ugly kids ♪
Kids with funny glasses ♪
-Old kids ♪
-Stinky kids ♪
Kids with shiny, metal asses ♪
FarnDogs!
The world's first 100%
meat-based veggie dogs!
The dogs kids really, really eat! ♪
The only thing growin' faster
than those vats of pulsatin' muscle fiber
is my bank account.
I-I mean, our bank account.
Free the beef! Free the beef!
We grew these in a vat.
No creature suffered.
What are you protesting?
Uh we're not sure.
That's why our signs are blank.
It just seems sorta like eh-eh.
You want a lab-grown hotdog?
Thanks, I'm pretty hungry,
By the way, in case you're interested,
we're bringing back the world-famous
hotdog eating contest!
I'm going into training!
It's time to get swole.
Did you just change on the street?
Yes, I did, Hermes.
I've gained 15 pounds
and I'm in the worst shape of my life.
I'm ready for action!
I'm proud of you.
And I'm kind of
into your new dad bod.
Hey, hey! No, bowm-chicka-bowm-bowm
the night before the big contest!
Oh! Oh, right! Sorry.
I never dated an elite athlete before.
Well, goodnight, everyone.
I'm gonna go get a few hours
of shut-mouth.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Wienerdome!
Don Cunningham here
for the historic return
of the Coney Island
Hotdog Eating Contest.
Proudly sponsored by FarnDogs,
the slippery dog that goes down fast.
I germinated them!
I'm so nervous. Am I sweating?
You look great.
I've honestly never found you hotter.
And now, let's meet the contestants
competing for the coveted Beef Belt.
Champion of the chicken wing circuit,
Joey Butternut!
Live sea urchin specialist,
Takeru Kobayashi the 43rd!
The Barbarian of the Buffet,
Slim Gluttenstein!
Junior league titleist, Tonya.
The mound of Jell-O
from Monticello,
H.G. Blob!
And coming out
of a thousand-year retirement,
runner-up at the 1999 competition
where he was brutally humiliated
by the legendary Brocky J,
it's Philip "Nice Try" Fry!
I've met him!
Okay, contestants,
you gotta put 'em down,
and you gotta keep 'em down,
no reversals.
On your marks!
Off your marks. We have a late entry.
Yo, yo, yo, what up, home slices?
The name's Brocky J!
But, this is impossible!
Not only is it not impossible,
it was inevitable!
I probably should've mentioned it earlier.
You see
the hotdog from which we
obtained our DNA sample
had been bitten by Brocky J.
It must have been contaminated
with a little of his saliva.
Hey, more than a little,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Evidently, the human DNA and cow DNA
combined in the growth tank
to form this trash-talking abomination.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I remember you.
You're that loser I wasted in 1999!
Hang on.
If you were just grown in a lab,
how can you have Brocky J's
memories and personality?
I read my autobiography on the way over.
Well, I guess that makes sense.
No, it actually doesn't!
When did you learn to read?!
I didn't! It's the audiobook.
Now, if you're done
with the interrogation, Kojak,
I'm ready to kick your ass a second time!
No one's kicking anyone's ass.
I mean Wait
I am, you're not.
Can I start over?
No! We're behind schedule.
Huh. I guess I don't really like hotdogs.
I've never tried one before.
Not for me, thanks.
That's one contestant down.
Thirty seconds into our competition,
the leader is H.G. Blob!
Security, take her away!
This is unbelievable, folks!
We're down to a rematch
of the historic 1999 finale,
when Philip Fry was decimated
obliterated,
dare I say, emasculated by
Will you shut up?!
That's my man up there!
You're pathetic, bro.
And by the way, I enjoyed
reading about your mom
in my autobiography!
Oh, God!
It hurts!
What's happening to me?!
Is there a doctor in the house?
I'm a doctor.
Mm!
Why does my stomach hurt so bad?!
I can't be sure,
but it might be because you ate
82 hotdogs in nine minutes.
I'm in freakin' agony!
You gotta do something, Doc!
Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do.
This is a severe stomachache,
and there's no cure
except to wait a little while
until it goes away.
I don't have a little while!
I can't bear it!
Fry, you and me go way back.
I need you to do me a solid.
Please.
Me? What can I do?
Put me out of my misery.
Eat me!
You want me to eat you alive?
I can't do that!
The whole idea of lab-grown meat
was to eliminate suffering.
I am suffering!
I'm begging you,
eat me!
I know you're not very good at it,
but, please, give it a shot!
Okay, if it will end your suffering.
God bless you.
I'll put a little mustard on me for you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are witnessing the most
selfless act of heroism
ever performed
at a competitive eating event.
The pain
it's gone.
Thank you
loser.
Hotdogs down!
I'm checking the scores, and
I don't believe it!
Philip Fry has won
with a record 163 hotdogs!
And that last one was a doozy!
This has been Don Cunningham,
signing off,
as I race to beat traffic
on the Verrazzano Bridge.
Here's your Beef Belt.
It just goes on like a regular belt.
I gotta run.
Friends, it's been quite a journey.
I'd like to thank the good people
at FarnDog Industries,
Leela for believing in me
Whoo!
And most of all, Brocky J,
for pushing me to reach my full potential.
He may be gone,
but a part of him is still here
with me.
Not for long!