Bob's Burgers s11e02 Episode Script

1
Oh, look!
There's a string of pasta
hanging out of my mouth.
Anybody want to meet in
the middle of this thing?
No! Gene, I can't keep meeting
you in the middle of spaghetti.
We got to get through dinner.
We're going to the symphony tonight.
Yay.
I-I mean, uh, I'm excited to go.
Hey, it's their one free concert night.
If we miss it, we'd have to pay
to go, and we're not doing that.
I still don't understand
why we're doing this at all.
The symphony? Us?
It's like giving a monkey a monocle.
Yeah, we're more like those
monkeys that wear sunglasses
and ride motorcycles and
give people the finger.
We are not those types of monkeys,
and we are going to the symphony.
I told you, I was at
the vagina-cologist,
in the waiting room, reading
that parenting magazine,
Modern Swaddlin', and
it said you're supposed
to play classical music for babies
to stimulate their brains and stuff.
We never exposed you
to any classical music
when you were babies.
Just a bunch of Billy Joel.
You have baby Billy Joel brains.
But you did expose us to a
lot of your "uptown girls."
- Bosoms.
- Also, we're not babies anymore.
And by the way, I turned out perfect.
And then there's Gene and
Tina, who are doing their best.
Hi. Wait, what?
Oh, really? May I remind you all
of your report cards from last week?
No, you may not. Sorry, you can.
Cs and Ds. A lot of Cs and
Ds in there. I don't like it.
Well, how are we supposed to
concentrate at school anyway?
We're in the middle
of a pinworm epidemic.
There are pinworms crawling
through kids' stomachs,
laying eggs in their anuses,
and I'm supposed to be able
to think about what
two plus two equals?!
Wait, is that what you're
being taught in math right now?
Butt worms, Dad!
That's what I'm being taught!
And it's itchy, and
kids start scratching
and spread the eggs everywhere!
- Gross.
- Yeah.
I mean, children are
basically disgusting.
I know! Why did you have any?
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well, hopefully everyone
paid attention to Mr. Frond's
fun and informative
and slightly provocative
hand-washing assembly.
Hello, Right Hand.
Would you like to take a shower with me?
I would love to, Left Hand,
but my cousin is in town visiting.
Can I bring him? His name is Soap.
He's more than welcome.
I think we're all gonna
get along just fine.
- It was hot.
- So, let's get to it, kids.
Come on, wash them if you got them.
No worms are hitching a
ride in these cabooses.
It's not "cabooses," it's "cabeese."
Okay, after the hand-washing,
everybody go get ready real fast.
Symphony attire.
That means no exposed midriffs.
- Gene, I'm talking to you.
- Damn it.
Wheels up in 45 minutes, people!
I don't know what that
means, but I heard it on TV,
and I like the sound of it. Holy moly!
Did this get even bigger
while I was making dinner?
Yeah, TV will be less fun now
that we can't see it anymore.
What happened? Did you mess it up?
Kids, you know you can't leave
this thing here forever, right?
This is our living room.
But was this room really living, hmm?
- What is it again?
- Um, it's a hamster slide, obviously.
But we don't have a hamster.
Well, we didn't really
need one before the slide.
I mean, I don't think hamsters
are supposed to go down slides.
- Especially like that.
- Oh, excuse us, Jane Goodall.
Couldn't you just, like,
roll a marble down it?
That would still be fun, right?
- He really just doesn't get it.
- I know.
Also, it's not even finished yet.
Our loop de loop needs more loop.
- Don't we all.
- Let's get loopy!
No! No more hamster slide!
Go get ready, move!
Symphony!
Hmm, what are we after here?
Something nice but not too flashy.
No need for Glamor Tina.
Unless what if there's
a handsome 15-year-old
prodigy up on stage?
And our eyes meet, and
he says, "I sure could use
some help warming up my
lips to play this oboe."
And I go up there and warm up his lips,
and the audience is like,
"Oboe, you didn't."
Ooh, this is perfect.
Hmm, looks a little small.
Boy, I am growing like a weed.
Hey, what do you think
of my symphony voice?
Hello, pardon me, good man,
but can you point me
towards the nearest hot dog?
Who said that? Where did Gene go?
Hey, come hold this while I tape.
So, that's your symphony attire?
Yeah, everyone wears a bolo
tie to the symphony. Crack a book.
- Bob, you look fine, come on.
- No!
We can't keep looking
for your dress shoes.
- We got to go.
- But these clogs look stupid.
And the whole symphony's
gonna laugh at me.
Maybe the trombone player will
just make a sad trombone sound.
That's what I'm worried about.
Tina, you ready? We
got to get going soon.
Cool, cool, cool.
Um so
I may have outgrown this dress.
Or the dress fits great and it's just
that your arm fell off
and your boobs got weird.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow. Ow!
- You know what, I think it's fine.
- It is?
Yeah, you-you-you
you can barely notice.
I honestly didn't notice
until you pointed it out.
Yeah, and it makes my clogs seem normal.
- What?
- Um, nothing.
Okay, let's rock. We're gonna be early.
Nothing's gonna stop us now, baby.
Itchy.
Going to the symphony.
It's really happening.
Do you guys already
feel a little stimulated?
My arm is tingling a bit.
- Itchy!
- Gene, what is it?
Gene?
No !
Pinworms !
You know what, I'm gonna just
Ah.
So we really think
Gene got the pinwheels?
Um, I think it's pinworms.
Right, right, pinworms, yeah.
He has all the signs, Mom
The itching, the crazy look in his eye,
like a boy whose butt is possessed.
But I thought you guys
were washing your hands,
like, all the time.
It's Gene, Dad.
He's not a clean child.
Remember that week we
thought he had a sunburn,
but it was really hot wing sauce
all over the back of his neck?
- Mm.
- For three days.
Guys! Are you coming back?
Or should I come there or ?
- No! - No, baby, it's okay.
- No! No! No!
You just sit tight,
buddy, you're doing great!
I say we leave out of the fire escape.
Find a new house, find a
new Gene, never look back.
- Yeah, maybe.
- Bob!
Sorry. I mean, poor Gene.
Uh, I'm gonna look up what to do.
Oh, God, do you think Gene touched
the laptop with his pinworm fingers?
- Or just put his bare butt on it?
- What?
You think he put his bare butt on it?
Dad, it's best to start with where Gene
hasn't put his bare butt.
- The ceiling?
- I wouldn't rule it out.
Oh, no.
Our hamster slide You
touched our hamster slide
- with your butt fingers!
- Damn it, Gene!
Oh, my God, uh, forget
the hamster slide.
What about the fact that
we work in a restaurant?
Dad, can we please stay focused
on what's important right now?
For once in your life!
Oh, okay, I'm gonna go online.
There won't be any horrible images
when I type in "pinworms," right?
I'm sorry! I don't know how it
happened. I washed my hands a lot.
Even though it went against
everything I believe in.
It's okay, the slide will be okay.
Dad will get medicine, and we'll just
we'll crush it into a
powder, and we'll make a mist
and spray it on the slide, right?!
Louise, calm down.
Also, for the record, the hamster slide
is not a permanent fixture in our house.
Yes, it is!
Okay, uh, I-I saw some things, um
I am not the same person I used
to be, and I washed my hands
in the hottest water
I've ever washed them in.
And it really hurt.
But the good news is it
looks like I can go pick up
some over-the-counter
medicine at the pharmacy.
Does-does anyone want
to trade eyes with me?
Wait, you're going now?
But we'll be late for the symphony.
Linda, we can't go to the symphony.
Yeah, Mom, didn't you
hear? Gene has butt worms.
In his butt!
I mean,
we don't know for sure that it's pinworms.
Maybe Gene just needs to wipe better.
Better or with more passion?
- Both.
- Though, if I had pinworms,
it would explain the pinworms
I saw in my poop the other day.
- Oh, Gene!
- Gene!
What? I thought it was
rice, but now I'm like,
does rice wiggle?
Mom, we need to forget
about the symphony and just
start burning everything
Gene's touched his
clothes, his sheets, his room.
The whole house to be safe, honestly.
No! Not tonight!
We're going out!
We're going to see the symphony!
Whoa.
Look, we'll just get some big mittens
and tape them to
Gene's hands so he can't
scratch and spread it
everywhere, that's all.
It sort of changes the silhouette
I was going for with
my outfit, but okay.
But, uh, Linda, uh,
he'll, he'll be doing that,
right, at-at the symphony.
He'll just, uh, he'll
look like he's excited.
- Excited for music.
- Okay, look, we-we still have,
like, 20 minutes before we
really have to leave, right?
Barely, yeah.
So I'll run around the corner,
pick up some medicine real
quick, and be back in time
to try and talk you out of this.
Fine, go. I'm gonna go look for mittens.
Hopefully find some that
say "I don't have worms,
and also my mom is a great mom."
Ugh. I'm gonna go take,
like, eight showers.
Gene, don't touch anything,
and if you have to scratch,
- just do it over the clothes, okay?
- Yes, Father. Before you leave,
can you just scatter some
Legos on the rug?
No, that wouldn't be fair to the Legos.
Also, maybe don't leave this
room or general area at all?
- Stay, boy, stay.
- I'm a human being!
Don't leave me alone with
him! I-I mean, hey, fella.
- Tina?
- Yeah?
- Can you do me a favor?
- What?
Will you go to the kitchen for me?
I need something to
scratch my butt with.
The rug's not pointy enough,
and my cute little chubby
fingers aren't cutting it.
And I'm not supposed to move.
Uh okay.
Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.
Aah, worms!
Oh, okay, no, that's spaghetti.
Uh, here.
Thank you.
Uh
- Tina, just hand it to me!
- Here!
- Ow!
- Sorry.
Ah.
You know, I think I
remember how it happened.
Oh, yeah? How?
It was a sunny day, not too long ago.
I was washing my hands
like a good little boy,
and then out of my pocket falls
a tater tot from the cafeteria.
I must've had a hole in my shorts.
- I have questions, but okay.
- So I go to pick it up
- to eat it.
- To throw it away, yeah.
- Oh, okay.
- And who comes out of the stall
but one Peter Pescadero.
And he leans over, picks
up my tater tot and says
This your tater tot, Gene?
And before I know it, I've
popped it into my mouth.
And it was delicious!
Oh, Gene, no.
Peter was trying to be nice, but he was
fresh off the pot and
got worms on my tot!
Wait, Gene, was that the day
you were coming out
of the boys' bathroom
right as I was going
into the girls' bathroom,
and we said "bathroom
buddies" and high-fived?
I think it was.
That was such a great moment for us.
Tell me you washed your hand
after you touched that tater tot, Gene!
Why would I ever wash
tater tot off of me?
No! Aah!
Oh, God, I think I feel them!
What, you already feel them?
I don't know how it works, Gene!
Just g-give me that thing!
Ah, ah, ah.
That's the stuff.
Pinworm medicine and gum, huh?
Uh, yep.
What's the gum for?
Um chewing?
Okay, just as long as you're not gonna
stick it down there in your situation,
trying to catch those worms, you know?
What? No. Oh, no. God, no.
Well, full disclosure, sir,
you wouldn't be the first.
I'm gonna go.
Okay, then.
Okay, I got the medicine.
W-Wait. What-What's
what's happening?
It's not good, Dad.
The worms got Tina.
- Oh, no. They did?
- We don't know that.
It's probably just her
brain thinking she has 'em
and being all spycho-spaztastic.
Psychosomatic?
- What?
- It's real!
They're having a field
day down there, man!
Why is our spaghetti
server thingy in here?
Don't ask questions you don't
want to know the answer to, Dad.
Oh, come on. I like that thing.
- I'm gonna miss it.
- It has a greater purpose now.
Anyway, it's time to go to the symphony!
We can do the medicine in the car.
Here we go, everybody!
- Linda, no.
- It's fine, it's fine.
Shush, shush, shush,
shush, shush, shush.
Hey, Dad, on the bright side,
I saw your dress shoes in the bathroom.
Really? Wh-Wh-What were
they doing in there?
Maybe they needed to
poop, Dad! I don't know!
- Okay.
- Damn it!
Mom, can you tape the spaghetti
spoon to my mitten, please?
Don't you think that
would look a little silly?
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Aah!
They they were behind the tub.
- That's so weird.
- Wait!
Dad, drop those shoes!
Why? W-W-W-Why? Why?
Why are you saying that?
I may have been playing
Bottomless Businessman
after a shower the other day.
You know, no pants, making
deals, mergers, acquisitions.
Okay, okay, I got it.
Which I call mergies and acquizoozies.
Gene, what does this
have to do with my shoes?
I wear your dress shoes when I'm
playing Bottomless Businessman.
That's the "businessman" part.
And also, I might have
scratched some stuff.
Oh, God. I touched my mustache!
I touched the shoes, and
then I touched my mustache,
'cause I thought there was stuff
in it 'cause there always is,
and I-I-I I think I
touched my mouth, too. Ugh!
- Ugh!
- Well, that's great.
That's just great. Now
you all have pinworms.
I don't have any pinworms.
Really? You don't
think there's any chance
Gene gave you pinworms?
- No, I love you more.
- No, I love you more.
- No, I love you more.
- No, I love you more.
I love you.
Okay, Gene probably gave me worms.
Louise, where are you going?
-Nowhere.
-Louise, come on. We got to leave.
Not me. Not in a car, trapped,
with all of you and your worms.
Louise, symphony!
Stay away from me, worm woman!
I'm not gonna give you worms!
I just want to give you culture!
- Damn it!
- I am exposing you kids
to classical music if
it's the last thing I do
before these butt
worms eat my whole body!
Bob, Tina, Gene, block the stairs
in case she gets past me
and tries to go outside.
Oh, God, I feel itchy.
Do I already have them?
It feels like I do.
- I don't like this!
- Grow up, Dad!
Yeah, grow up, Bob,
and block the stairs!
Okay, fine!
Here's Mommy! Huh?
Louise?
Where are you, baby?
My little Louisey Peasy Over Easy?
Where are you, sweetie?
Gene, you're grounded.
I-I know I shouldn't ground you
for getting sick, but I want to.
Uh-huh. Hey, can you take those
sweet little fingers of yours
and just give me a quick scratch?
- No!
- Well, then untape us, you monster!
- Uh, I don't know.
- Come on, Dad.
We have the right to scratch our
butts like every other citizen.
But your mom's really scary
right now, and if I untape you,
I-I don't know what she'll do to me.
I hope your worms are hungry.
- Tina!
- Oh, too much? Sorry.
Louise?
It's okay. You don't need to be scared.
You under here? Where are ya?
Oh, my face!
Oh, stupid blanket! Louise?!
W-Where'd Louise go?
- Oh, I-I I don't know.
- You didn't see her?!
We've got a lot going on, Mom.
- Oh, calm down, Tina.
- You calm down.
Louise always talked about
wanting to see Machu Picchu.
- Maybe check there?
- Aah!
Where are you, Louise? Mama needs this.
One thing I've always
wanted since I was very small
Was to be the best damn mommy
The bestest of 'em all
I'd be loving, I'd be
kind, but also fair and firm
But now their report
cards are full of Ds
And their butts
are full of worms!
Oh, I'm a bad, bad mom,
and it was my favorite job
And I'm gonna scratch
my bottom right now
What if we all
scratched our butts
Against each other's butts?
No, that's stupid,
okay, maybe not
If only I had taken
them to the symphony
When they were still young
They'd be getting
all straight As
And be so clean
between their buns
Oh, I'm a bad, bad mom,
and it was my favorite job
And I'm gonna scratch
my bottom right now.
What? Ah, boy.
Louise? You out there?
Louise? What the ?
- What the hell's this?
- Ugh!
I couldn't get the fire
escape ladder to work
because of my tiny arms, so I
made a rope out of paper towel.
Okay.
You were supposed to think
I used it to climb down,
and then you'd totally
freak out and probably faint,
like, "Wha-uh," and I'd have
time to jump in the window
and run out the front door.
But it's so short, and it's paper towel.
- It was a good plan!
- Come on.
We still have time to see
the second half of the show
- if we hurry.
- Fine. Fine!
Just give me some space, Wonder Wormon.
Okay, okay.
That's a girl.
Now we're all gonna go to the
symphony and have a good time
and soak it up into our brains. Right?
You know, you're right. It'll be fun.
And maybe pinworms aren't so bad.
I mean, they're probably
more scared of our butts
than our butts are
scared of them, right?
Oh, my God, raccoons.
Are they having a dance-off?
What? Where?
Damn it, Louise!
Crap, crap, crap.
Hello, there.
You're trapped, Louise.
There's nowhere to run.
- No. No!
- Just give in, Louise.
You don't want to be the
one weirdo in the family
who doesn't have worms, do you?
It helps to pretend they're
not worms, they're butterflies.
It-it I don't know,
it's just my process.
Butt-er-flies.
Oh, yeah, I didn't even think of that.
Uh, Linda, I have to say,
- you look really athletic right now.
- Thanks.
There's some pee coming out.
Okay, a lot of pee. Oh, God.
Uh-huh. Also, maybe,
uh, we should think about
- everybody taking the medicine.
- Not now, Bob!
- Right, sorry.
- Oh so dizzy. Ah.
Not me. I could run in tiny
circles like this forever
and don't need to throw up at all.
Whoa!
No!
Is the hamster okay?!
Is the hamster okay?!
Oh, right. We don't have a hamster.
You killed it! You killed
our beautiful hamster slide,
the only thing I've ever loved.
You were so jealous of
it, you had to destroy it.
Isn't that right, Mother?!
Kids, shush. Linda, are you okay?
Linda? Lin?
Oh, my God, the slide's
dead and Mom's dead?
And I've got butt worms? What the hell?!
I'm not dead. I'm just sad.
Linda, it's okay.
It's sorry, kids just
a bunch of toilet paper rolls.
Dad, come here.
Mm-mm.
Okay, I'm gonna slap your leg.
- Ow.
- Yeah.
Lin, are you are you
gonna get off the floor?
- No.
- Okay.
I'm a bad mom. And I'm tired.
And I think I pulled my boob muscle.
And my butt itches.
You're not a bad mom, Lin.
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
Kids, tell your mom
that she's a good mom.
Yeah, maybe ask me later
when my life's work isn't
laying shattered before my eyes.
I love you, Mom, but I'm
still pressing charges.
You're going away for a long time!
I'm gonna miss you so damn much!
Maybe Mom didn't do this.
Maybe the worms were controlling her.
God, what are my worms gonna make me do?
- Get rid of your bangs?
- Oh, no.
Okay, we're-we're
getting off topic here.
Why don't we just all take the medicine
and then go to the symphony?
Even though I still think
that's a really terrible idea.
Not-not the medicine.
The medicine we should've
done, like, right away.
Not-not that you're a bad mom
for chasing Louise like a
crazy person around the house
instead of taking the medi-medicine.
If It doesn't matter.
We're not gonna make it to the symphony.
I failed you kids.
If you grow up dumb, it's my fault.
I mean, it's not like Dad
brought a ton to the table.
A distinct odor?
Okay, thank you.
Lin, our kids are mean. To me right now.
But they turned out pretty good.
We're not saying they didn't
turn out pretty good, right?
They're still young.
It could go either way.
Well, I just don't think
you should feel so bad.
Look at this weird,
elaborate thing they made
out of toilet paper rolls.
It's a hamster slide.
We've said it, like, a thousand times.
Shush. Normal, dumb, unstimulated kids
wouldn't build something
like this, would they?
We've got the brains and the looks.
- And the body.
- And the worms.
Not to mention, we're
wonderful. Just in general.
You are wonderful.
The best three kids I know.
Better than Hanson? Wow.
Yeah. And we made them this way,
parenting them really, eh, pretty well.
And, yes, two out of three of 'em
probably have pinworms right now,
but so do we, probably.
I mean, I know I do.
'Cause look at the way
I'm clenching my butt.
Yeah, I guess it was a pretty cool
toilet paper thingy, huh?
- Hamster slide.
- That you crushed.
Sorry. Ah, maybe something we're doing
is working, I guess. Right?
You know, it's almost
like the report cards
are the idiots, huh? Yeah?
Yeah. You're right.
Just 'cause we don't do our homework
or study for tests or pay
attention, that's our fault?
Exactly what I used to say about me.
Okay, now I'm starting to
worry we are bad parents.
Shh, shh, shh, Dad, we're helping Mom.
Aw, come here, guys. Family hug.
Ew, no. You all have worms.
- Don't touch me.
- Right, right, right.
Okay, okay. Wormy Belchers, get in here.
Gotcha. I love yous.
Oh, God, that's so nasty.
Okay, down the hatch, everybody.
Oh, yeah, if you punks gave me worms,
those worms are definitely
not gonna like this.
Wait, this doesn't
kill kill them, does it?
It's just a strong warning for them
- to clean up their act, right?
- No, yeah, yeah.
Hey, guys, guess what
we have in the basement.
- A dark secret?
- No. Better.
A bunch of cardboard.
Maybe we can bring that up
and rebuild the hamster slide,
bigger than ever?
Ooh, and we could make
a hamster office park
next door to the slide, and
maybe the hamster's boss is
a fun-loving bottomless businessman
who works hard and plays harder.
We're gonna need more hamsters.
We're not getting hamsters.
Uh, I'm gonna buy a marble,
and you guys are gonna be
- really surprised at how fun it is.
- Ah.
Marble would be a great
name for one of the hamsters.
- Or Tiffany.
- I'm going to the symphony.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bring back a hamster.
- Butt worms
- Doodley-ooh
Butt worms
Doodley-ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Oh, it's itchy.
- Butt worms
- Doodley-ooh
Butt worms
Doodley-ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Scratchin' and you're tushin',
a tushie and a scratchy
A wormy in your tushie, sent
your tushies in a-scratchin'
Scratch-Scratch-Scratcha
Itchy, itchy, itchy
Who invited you worms
into my butt, anyway?
- Butt worms
- Doodley-ooh
- Butt worms
- Doodley-ooh.