Futurama s11e02 Episode Script

1
So, where's the strip club trampoline park
with the all-you-can-eat ice cream?
There isn't one.
I just lied so you'd come with me.
We're actually going to see
my beloved Abuelatron.
Your grandma?
I thought she lived in Mexico.
Or Or Or maybe Mehico?
Nah, she moved into
a retirement home to be near me,
her eldest and most neglectful grandson.
Ms. Rodríguez? You got visitors.
Are ya decent?
Are ya alive?
Alright.
Ah, Benderito!
Come, give me a kiss
for every month you didn't visit.
Hang on, I think about six more.
Uh, this is my friend, Fry.
Kiss him for a while.
Okay.
Ow! Robot kisses hurt.
So, Grandma, why'd you leave Mexico?
Not corrupt enough for ya?
Oh, Bender, the family,
they don't want me around no more.
Aw. 'Cause you're so old and useless?
No, they don't want me
smoking and drinking
and cursing around the little ones.
Those bastards!
Eh, who needs them
when I have my favorite grandson
and alcohol?
I'll drink to that!
I don't mind it here.
There's so much to do.
Eat, go back to our room,
eat, go back to our room,
eat, go back to our room,
-eat, go back
-Hey, remember those
homemade tortillas you used to make?
Man, those were good.
Ah, too much trouble.
The tortillas here are good enough for me.
That was a nice lunch.
Why don't you stay for dinner,
which is right now?
Ah, no thanks.
But I'll come back sometime.
Probably next year maybe.
Wait! Before you go,
I have a thing to tell you.
Can it wait a year?
Before I left Mexico,
I sold my tortilla business for a fortune.
I was planning to leave you
a lot of money in my will.
Really?
So, if you die right now, I'll be rich?
No, no, no, no, I just wanted to tell you
that I gave it away.
What?!
I sent it to my boyfriend, Sebastian.
Isn't he handsome?
He promised to invest it for me.
He just needed money seeds
for a bridge loan to make a big cash flow.
Ah, Grandma, you idiot!
You're being scammed.
No, I'm not. He loves me!
He doesn't even care that I'm rich.
Time for your oil thinners!
Scam, huh?
Yeah, those are common here.
You know, we were voted number one
most scammable nursing home.
I saw that!
So, it is a scam?
Ay Dios mío, how could
I have been so estúpida?
I thought he loved me.
But who would want
an old piece of junk like me?
It's so sad!
My poor, poor inheritance.
If only there was some way
to get revenge on this fraudulent hunk.
Hey, I have an idea!
Can you tell us? Or no?
Suppose Bender went undercover
at the retirement home
as an old robot to lure the scammer?
Sounds fun, I'll do it!
There. Next, we'll apply a rapid
heating-and-cooling cycle
to cause metal fatigue.
-Will it hurt?
-Yes.
Hot, hot, hot!
Cold, cold, cold!
And finally, the most important part,
the Jitterphone!
A phone used exclusively
by feeble-minded geezers.
I mean, it's like a scammer magnet!
Anyone with one of these
is a sitting duck.
Oh wait. That's my Jitterphone.
This one's yours.
Mr. um
Mordecai Pantscrapper?
Yo.
You need to reposition yourself
so you don't get bedsores.
Are ya able to turn on your side?
Yeah. But can you do it for me?
Uh, okay.
Let's just get you
over there!
Bender, Sebastian is calling you.
That's his phone number.
Huh? Oh right, the scammer.
I'm gonna tear him limb from limb!
Who the hell do you think you are?!
Uh, also, who are you?
I'm Daniella, silly.
And you're handsome.
So, how'd it go, Bender?
Did the scammer contact you?
Nope, he never called.
Impossible! You had a Jitterphone!
However, I did get a call
from a beautiful lady.
And I'm in love.
She's hot, right?
Plus, she offered me some
fabulous investments.
Bender, I'd love for you
to find a girlfriend,
because you'd be around a lot less.
But you're being scammed.
Scammed?!
Oh, you are so wrong.
She offered me some can't-lose stock.
In her catfish farm.
Oh, brother.
Ugh, even I wouldn't fall for that.
And I just learned the truth
about the Tooth Fairy!
Sorry, buddy, she only buys human teeth.
You're all just jealous that I found love.
We talked for hours
about our favorite movies,
favorite music,
bank account numbers.
Yeah, stuff like that.
Wait, what was the last one?
Stuff like that.
Now I've had it with you young folk!
I'll show you.
I'm gonna visit Daniella
and make sweet love
in front of our premium-grade catfish.
Uh-huh. And where exactly
does "Daniella" live?
Big ol' mansion, that's where!
She, uh, didn't mention the exact address.
No matter, we'll check the Jitterlog!
Ah, Alabama.
No, worse! Mississippi!
Ah, there it is,
21 Chump Street.
Kinda low-key for a mansion.
I love you, too.
I'll keep an eye out
for that MoneyGram, darling.
Abuelatron, mi amor.
It's your beloved stud-bucket, Sebastian.
Sorry, I've been MIA, babe.
I was playing pickleball with the Pope.
I'll call you back!
How dare you, sir?!
You're ripping off my poor,
innocent Abuelatron!
Hi there, I'm Brittany.
Ho, ho, ho, hello.
I'm Bender, baby.
So, I wanna tell you about
a very special investment
with some incredible returns.
Really? That'd be
Hey, cut that out!
That's probably not gonna
work on me this time!
Who are you, really?
My real name's Idabelle Sue.
Hubba-hubba.
That's what you really look like?
Uh-huh. That's why
I can't use my real face.
I'm just too hot to be believable.
That's so sad.
Would a little money help?
Hey, no!
How could you?!
You tricked my grandma
out of her life savings.
I was gonna steal those savings!
I'm awful sorry for lyin' so much.
I feel downright terrible
when I think about it,
which thankfully ain't often.
So, your favorite band isn't Hoobastank?
-No.
-And there never was a catfish farm?
Well, of course there's a catfish farm!
Who would lie about a catfish farm?
Come on, I'll show ya.
Are you waterproof?
I'm 40% waterproof!
Oh, I do adore me some catfish.
Ever since I was a young scammer,
all I wanted was to farm 'em.
I love everything about 'em.
Except eatin' 'em. They're disgusting!
Ooh! So slimy. Bleh!
It really is beautiful.
Nothing but muck
as far as the eye can see.
My only crime was tellin' folks
it was a good investment.
Well, that and sayin' I was in love
and stealin' their life savings.
I was so wrong about you, Idabelle.
I just wish there was something
I could do to help.
Do you have any money?
Nah, I'm pretty much broke.
But I have a wealthy friend
with a Jitterphone.
Talk to me, baby.
Oh, hello, Bender.
A good investment, you say?
A catfish farm, you say?
I like what I'm hearing, you say.
I'm on my way
with a shipload of cash!
Shipload? With a "P"?
Uh, actually, it doesn't matter.
Any letter there is fine.
I'll be there tomorrow with
a million dollars in small bills.
Ta-ta!
Great job, Professor!
So convincing!
You really sounded like
a desperate, foolish old man.
We're gonna get back
everything those crooks stole,
and more!
It's time to scam the scammers.
Scammers?
Blast off!
Oh wait, we're here.
Listen up, people.
This bag holds the so-called
million dollars.
Each roll has a genuine bill
on the outside.
But inside, it's nothin' but
Planet Express Fun Bucks.
Now here's the plan.
I'll call Bender and say
we got pulled over for speeding.
I love it! Why?
We'll tell them the ship was impounded
with the money inside.
And to get it back, we need to pay
a thousand-dollar impound fee.
So, if they want their million dollars,
they have to give us a thousand first.
Then we give them our fake money
and run away!
Hooray! I'm scamming with friends!
Dagnabbit,
there's a smokey on my tail.
That's how they say it down here, right?
I'm Burl Hooten,
Sheriff of Scamton County,
and this here's Deputy Fiddle.
Now, y'all know why I pulled you over?
Were we speeding?
Sure, that sounds good.
Fiddle, call the tow truck.
Impound fee's a thousand bucks.
Well, this is a disaster.
Yeah.
No, wait, it's perfect!
Everything's going accidentally
exactly according to plan!
Cindy, darling!
I'm sorry I missed our date.
I got kidnapped by the president.
Uh-oh, here he comes!
Hi! Thanks for the wire transfer, Hal.
Al? Sal!
I am really looking forward
to our wedding tomorrow.
Gotta go buy a dress!
You really are the da Vinci
of ripping people off.
That's why I love you, baby.
By the way, I love you, baby.
Fish Farm investor relations,
this is Jimmy RealName.
How may I direct your money?
Hello, Bender?
Professor! Oh, I was so worried
when I didn't hear from you.
How's your cash?
Still totally real.
But we've had a small calamity.
We got a speeding ticket.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We give you a thousand,
you give us a million?
Deal!
I don't know, sounds kinda like a scam.
No way. My friends are really nice.
Come on, let's go rip 'em off.
I would like to cash a check, sonny.
I'm sorry, ma'am. Uh, what's a check?
I can't remember.
But I'd like to cash it.
I'll have to pretend
to go talk to the manager.
Wait a second, this won't work.
Since the ship really did get impounded,
we'll need to spend
the whole $1,000 to get it back.
That's not scamming the scammers!
-Ow!
-Oh, you poor simple simpletons.
While you were simpling,
I replaced the teller's normal keypad
with my special scam keypad.
It was simple!
Okay, we can cash your check.
You know, I think I'd rather keep it.
Ugh, finally!
I thought I'd have to kill her.
Afternoon, honeybunch.
I'd like to make a cash withdrawal.
Very well.
Enter the amount on this
new keypad I don't recognize.
It's like a normal keypad,
except the decimal point
is actually a very tiny zero.
So, when she types
one thousand point zero, zero,
she's actually entering
one thousand zero, zero, zero!
Is that even a number?
Yes. One million dollars!
In cold hard cash.
Eight hundred
Nine hundred
Oh, your God! Can you move any slower?
Sure can.
One
thou
sand
Ugh!
Eleven hundred
Twelve hundred
Keep it comin'.
Y'all nice folks are paid up.
Speed through again anytime. Fiddle?
Here you go.
My million-dollar life savings
to invest in your catfish farm.
Looks in order.
Now, y'all sit on back
while the profits come rollin' in.
We did it! We scammed the scammer!
And also our dear friend Bender!
-For his own good.
-Sure.
Come on, let's go celebrate and get drunk
before I fly us home.
What can I get you, officers?
I'll have me a Dr. Pepper,
and he'll have him a banana daiquiri.
He says go light on the banana.
I am so sorry I thought
your friends were scammers.
-They're actually idiots.
-Told ya!
Keep 'em coming!
Ah.
Hey, they have an old-timey jukebox!
"Dancing Queen,"
"Everybody Dance Now"
Ooh! "Hypno Dance" by Coco Charm.
It's on me.
I'm just glad you meatbags
finally realized Idabelle isn't a scammer.
I thought her name was Daniella.
Whatever.
Shake it!
What?
Keep your feet where I can see 'em.
Y'all think you can
just mosey into my town
and shake your various things?
Here in Scamton, dancin' is a crime!
Oh, come on! That's just silly.
Ma'am, y'all are facin'
a dozen felony counts
of dirty dancin' with intent to footloose.
And there ain't nothin' silly 'bout that.
Fiddle!
Shman, it's like a sauna in a porta-potty.
I hope y'all enjoyed your night in jail.
We didn't.
Is there a guest satisfaction card
I can fill out?
There ain't.
And you can expect more of the same
till you post bail.
How much is it?
It's a big ol' bag of money,
that's how much it is.
Whoo-ee! That's a lotta cornbread.
Which is the exact right amount.
Y'all is free to go.
Aw, so cute!
Stop indulging him, Amy!
What the hickyheck?
Consarnit! This loot is counterfeit!
Stop 'em, Fiddle!
Ow!
That's a really unripe banana!
Prepare for takeoff!
'Cause that's what I'm doin'!
Dagnabbit, we have a flat thruster!
I'll deploy the wheels!
Wheels?
Hang a right through them brambles!
I know a back road!
Look out! We're headin' for the lake!
But that's my catfish farm!
Enough! You don't need
to keep pretending it's real.
What do we do?! The bridge is out!
Gun it, mama!
Ding-dang-darn it!
It's kinda purty.
Like lily pads in a Monet.
I reckon you folks have conned me
every which way but loose.
But my jurisdiction ended
at that there bridge,
so if you ever get that cash back,
you'll have to come
to the other side to bribe me.
There's one thing I don't get.
Where'd all that real money
in the sky come from? Heaven?
Don't you get it, Bender?
I clearly just said I don't.
We scammed you and Idabelle.
She thought she withdrew
a thousand dollars,
but it was actually a million!
The ol' decimal-zero keypad scam.
Bingo! And I hope you
learned your lesson, lady,
'cause all that money
came from your account.
Yeah, not quite.
I never spend money from my own account.
Oh. Then whose account was it?
-Bender's meemaw.
-What?!
No! Mi dinero!
You ripped off everyone
I ever cared about:
me, and slightly my grandma.
And now, you've scammed me
outta the one thing I thought
could never be scammed
my heart.
Idabelle
will you marry me?
Oh, Bender. I'm sorry, but
I'm in love with someone else.
I'll kill him! Who is it?
Is he very big?!
I was plannin' to scam him,
but I fell in love.
There was just somethin'
so real about him.
But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but
Y'all come back now. Actually, don't.
But.
I'm sorry, Grandma.
I lost all your money,
and then I waited six months
to come tell you about it.
I'm a terrible grandson.
Luckily, I'm a fabulous grandma.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing with a sexy butlerbot?
You're supposed to be
penniless thanks to me!
I'm the majority shareholder
in that catfish farm, remember?
And its stock went through the roof!
Aw, Grandma, you're being scammed again.
Gimme your phone.
How dare you scam my grandma
for the third or fourth time!
It's no scam. Business is boomin'!
Fish started breedin' like crazy
once they ate those
nutritious cash flakes.
So, my grandma really is rich?
Wait, is it too late
for me to get in on this?
I'm sorry, Bender,
I just don't need any more money.
What?!
You're passing up a perfectly
good chance to scam me?
I have lost all respect for you!
Okay.
You know what?
Who cares if I lost the love of my life?
It just means I have more love
to give you, Abuelatron.
And you ain't gonna live forever.
Yes, I am.