Futurama s11e03 Episode Script

1
♪
One, two, three, blastoff! ♪
[upbeat theme music playing]
[glass shatters]
[theme concludes]
[announcer] The following futuristic
science-fiction program
contains scenes of 17th-century pirates.
Also, vampires.
Viewer discretion is advised.
[epic music playing]
It truly is a grand piano, Madam Glab.
Yes, it is the DOOP's gift
to the Vampire Empire.
And all I ask is for your world
to join our alliance.
Perhaps. But how am I
to transport it to my planet?
Zapp Brannigan at your service,
Your Highnyness.
My crew is ready to die
to get it safely to your home world.
- No crew, Brannigan!
- Well, who's gonna die?
This is a top-secret diplomatic mission.
So, to handle the delivery,
I've hired two civilian know-nothings
we'll never see again.
- Hello!
- Hello!
Are you quite sure that the piano is
fully operational?
I thought you'd never ask.
[dramatically playing
"Rachmaninoff Prelude in C# minor"]
[fallboard slams shut]
- No Rachmaninoff!
- What?!
Careful ma'am. Rachmaninoff's
a hot-button issue for Bender.
This piano is extremely fragile,
and it's strung to a tension
of 2,000 megasproings.
- One wrong chord and it could explode!
- Wrong chord?!
You insult me, Madam President.
[grumbling] Wrong chord
Stupid president
Never get to explode anything.
- To an alliance that will last a lifetime.
- Or longer.
[glasses clinking]
[soft, mysterious music playing]
Admirella, why is Glab sucking up
to the Vampire Empire?
They're a bloodthirsty dictatorship.
- [slurping blood]
- [Admirella] Indeed.
And this is supposedly
the Democratic Order of Planets.
Oh, so that's what "DOOP" stands for.
Glab's final term as president
is about to end.
Is this really how she
wants to be remembered?
As the leader who secured
a valuable ally for the DOOP?
Yes.
[door squeaking]
Trust me, there are considerations
at the highest level.
- Then why haven't I heard about it?
- You're one level below that.
Two, if you keep asking questions.
Careful!
If that thing explodes,
Kif will be mopping you
off the walls for hours.
And you never really get it all out.
[epic music playing]
Man, this piano must be worth its weight
in these gems it's made of.
I can't believe no one but me
is trying to steal it.
[alarm blaring]
Incoming ship!
- Ah, there we go.
- Sir, it's a vessel in hot pursuit!
My favorite pursuit temperature.
Perhaps it's a sexy she-alien.
[cologne spritzing]
[gunfire booming]
They've opened fire!
Could it be friendly fire?
Perhaps intimately friendly.
[gunfire booming louder]
I guess not.
Return friendly fire!
- You control the missiles on this ship.
- I know that. [button clicking]
I just said it out loud so they can
quote it at my eventual medal citation.
[gunfire booming]
[Fry yelping]
[dramatic music playing]
[phone ringing]
[ringing continues]
[medical alert voice]
Fry has fallen and he can't get
Oh, never mind, he's up.
Fry! Are you alright?
No! Zapp's ship is under attack
and I need you to come pick me up!
Zapp's ship?
That's Kif's ship!
Hurry! I'll be waiting
out front with my lunchbox.
[explosion booms]
[Fry screaming]
[static buzzing]
[stick figure clatters]
We've gotta save Kif!
And Fry!
And Bender too, I guess.
If there's time.
[chair scraping]
To the ship!
[dramatic music playing]
[hangar door opening]
[Planet Express whirring]
[ship rockets zooming]
[licking finger]
[dramatic music playing]
Huh. They're not here either.
Well, we've searched
the entire infinity of space twice.
Let's go home and start
pricing coffinless funerals.
Wait! There's something up ahead!
[mysterious music playing]
[wood creaking]
That's not something.
It's just a creepy, old wreck.
Th-Th-Th-Then what's
Fry's lunchbox doing here?
[dramatic sting]
What? He's not eating it.
[mysterious music playing]
Careful. There might be splinters
of unthinkable size in there.
So, we'll enter in order of expendability.
First, Zoidberg, then everyone else.
Hooray!
[pincers snapping]
I'm redshirting with friends!
[door thuds]
[airlock hissing]
[all gasping and exclaiming]
[sniffing]
This turtle soup is still warm.
Whoever was on this ship
was just about to eat dinner
when something horrible happened.
And on an empty stomach!
I won't let us meet that fate.
[gobbling]
[soup sloshing]
[doors creaking]
The scorecard stops
right in the middle of the fifth frame.
Somethin' horrible must have happened.
Just as they were about
to pick up the spare!
[disco music playing loudly]
The officers' disco!
They must have been just
about to do the Hustle
when somethin' horrible happened.
Something even more horrible
than the Hustle?
Adventure buddies!
[music stops, record scratches]
I found something strange
behind the DJ station.
It might be a clue.
[Zapp whimpering]
Zapp? What are you doing here?
And where's Kif?
And Fry?
And Bender, if there's time?
They they took my ship.
Marooned me here
like a space-age Gilligan.
Who? Who marooned you?
- Space pirates!
- Space pirates?
You know, pirates, but in space.
♪
[laser gunfire]
[Fry yelping]
They've hoisted the black flag!
That means they'll treat us
honorably if we surrender.
I didn't crawl under this desk
to surrender.
Hoist the flag that means "no."
- We only have one flag.
- Hoist it.
[sighing] Ugh.
[flag rope rattling]
[laser firing]
[dramatic sting]
[crew gasping]
Why are humans so scared
of their own skulls?
[ominous music playing]
Long John Longjohns,
duly-elected Governor
of the Pirate Republic,
at yer service,
ye hen-hearted numskulls.
Surrender yer treasure!
Brannigan never surrenders!
The, uh, Battle of Cowards' Cove?
Brannigan rarely surrenders.
Besides, we have no
[mimicking accent] "traysure."
What's that the robot's stealin'?
[wheels rattling]
Uh, what, this fabulous,
gem-encrusted piano?
It's worthless.
Deliver the piano,
ye pants-pooping bilge puppies,
or face our wrath!
Ready yer wrath.
[dramatic music playing]
[laser-cutlasses zapping]
Just give it to them, sir.
It's not worth losing
our lives over a piano.
You clearly overestimate
the value of your life.
No piano!
[button buzzing]
It's no use, we're out of ammo.
Then we'll ram them!
No point in having a ram
if we're not gonna use it.
[naval ram whirring]
[rockets zooming]
[dramatic music playing]
What d'ye think he's gonna do
with that ram?
[wall crashing]
[pirates screaming]
[wood creaking]
[Longjohns grunting]
Damage report, Ultraviolet-Beard?
We're goin' down!
Or up, maybe.
[static buzzes] Finally, I can deduct
that ram as a business expense.
[dramatic music playing]
They're still alive.
Huh. They must have mastered
the fine art of jump-to-the-side.
Raise shields!
Sir, their ship is taking on vacuum.
Space law requires us to save them.
Space laws were made to be space-broken.
Raise the shields, Kroker!
That's a space order.
Ugh.
[suspenseful music playing]
[airlock hissing]
[dramatic music playing]
[footsteps stomping]
Yer ship is ours!
What the H-E-double-hell is going on, Kif?
Didn't you raise the shields?
I thought I did.
I I've never been good with buttons.
Step away from yon
digital control interface,
ye rat-infested pool boys!
Wow. You're really good at cursing.
'Tis why I became a pirate,
ye sponge-munchin' vacuum bag.
[blades slicing]
[Bender yelps]
You will tell your children of the day
you were taken prisoner
by the infamous Don Electro.
The Terror of the Spanish Mains?
You honor me.
I will return the compliment
if you ever achieve anything.
[wings fluttering, parrot squawking]
Ow! Bird feet!
My name's Buddy.
'Cause I'm your new buddy.
You're really annoying.
Wait till I start repeating
everything you say.
Everything I say? Everything I say?!
You're really annoying.
Well, we hereby surrender.
Brannigan knows when he's been beat,
because it happens a lot.
♪
Thus, the pirates abscooted
with the piano and your compatriots,
and left me here with nothing
but a lifetime supply
of food and entertainment.
I don't understand.
How did they get past your shields?
Treason!
By that slimy, double-dealing
salamander, Kif Kroker.
Thank you, Mrs. Kroker.
You had a little turtle soup on you.
But you're wrong about Kif!
He would never betray the DOOP!
You may need to soak that.
♪
It's hopeless.
We have no idea where
the pirates took Fry, Kif,
and Bender, if there's time.
Hold your hopeless horses!
The crystals on that piano
are pure gemjewelium!
They'll have left a faint trail
of radiation.
[button clicks]
[trail shimmering]
We can follow it if we
act quickly before it dissip
Whoa!
[Professor thuds]
Stop the ship, Leela.
[brakes screeching]
Whoa!
[Professor thuds]
You can follow that trail
to your friends later.
But first, we're gonna
follow it to my ship.
Our friends are on your ship.
I said later! Full speed ahead!
Whoa!
[dramatic music playing]
[grunts]
Someone buckle me in my car seat.
[dramatic music playing]
[rockets zooming]
[trail shimmering]
We must be getting close
to the pirate home world.
Space is thick with arm hooks
and parrot guano.
[hooks clinking]
[guano splattering]
[ominous music playing]
[ship rumbling]
[whispering] Okay, everybody ready?
We'll go lights out
and take them by surprise.
[Jolly Roger] Surprise!
[dramatic sting]
[crew shrieking]
State yer names and businesses!
Okay, um
I am Turanga Leela,
uh pirate queen of the bad ship,
Planet Express Ship.
A name that strikes
indifference in our hearts.
And my merciless crew,
uh, Merciless Amy Wong.
Arrr!
That's a pirate thing, right?
It be a bit old-fashioned, but aye.
Legally-Blind Farnsworth, Redshell,
- the Butcher of Jamaica
- Hey.
And, uh
- Zapp Sparrow.
- Ugh.
We come to join your buccaneer band.
We don't admit just any ship
that sails into our hidden harbor.
We'll decide according to the pirate code,
which calls for a free
and democratic vote.
All in favor?
Aye.
- All opposed?
- [pirates] Nay!
Petition denied.
You're to be hung
from the yardarm at dawn.
[crew gasping]
[Zapp whimpering]
- Is there no alternative?
- Sure. Where do you want to be hung from?
Don't ask us to move on dawn, though.
The morrow's pretty busy.
Things'd be different
if you'd had brought us some loot.
- Loot?
- Aye. Or booty.
We also accept swag, plunder,
and treasure.
We maintain a diversified portfolio
as a hedge against market downturns.
I've got a Starbucks gift card.
- What balance be it loaded with?
- $500,000.
[chains clatter]
[pirate party music playing]
A hearty freebooter welcome
to our newest citizens:
Captain Leela and her
somewhat motley crew!
[pirates cheering]
With this bounteous gift card,
and our share of the piano jewels,
'twill be our finest fiscal quarter yet!
[pirates cheering, gulping flagons]
You pirates are surprisingly bureaucratic.
Aye. We're a rowdy social democracy,
with no law but our written constitution
and various regulatory mechanisms.
Our halls run red with tape.
[flagons clink]
[both gulping]
[sighs]
[continues gulping]
You're a fine-lookin' man, Farnsworth.
'Course, I have but the one good eye,
so ye might be hideous.
[giggling] Oh, fuff.
I only wish I could see
how hideous you are, Bonny Bonnie.
Here, try me eyepatch.
That can't possibly help.
[eyepatch snapping]
Good Lord, I can see perfectly!
So can I!
Apparently, I ne'er really
hadna vision problem!
[romantic music playing]
[both moaning]
- [Leela] Mm. Mm!
- This is a pretty good party.
I guess we can look for Fry later.
Leela? Is that someone imitating you?
Fry! He's part of our crew.
- Release him!
- It's not locked.
I know, but I felt like
you didn't want me to leave.
[metal gate rattling]
Hi, Leela. How's the boot rash?
Better. I've been using a new antibiotic.
What's with the bird?
I'm Buddy, Fry's new best friend.
He told me all about you.
All about you! All about you!
Is Kif in there?
Aw, no.
Nothing but vermin.
Yeah, nice to see you, too!
I don't understand.
Where's Kif?
- Where's Kif?
- Where's Kif?
Captain Longjohns took him away
when we got here. [squawks]
I knew it!
Kroker and the pirate are in cahoots.
What a pair of cahooters.
Kif's no traitor!
He's so honest, he withholds payroll taxes
from our kids' allowance.
[laser-cutlass tapping] We've a long
night of carousin' ahead of us.
So, please stand while ye still can
for the national anthem.
- [pirates] Aye!
- The Pirate Anthem!
Ooh, I thought you'd never ask.
[upbeat sea shanty playing]
[singing]
Now raise yer hands in proud salute ♪
[all singing]
The Republic of Pirates 'tis our home ♪
Then keep them there
while we take yer loot ♪
We're a law-abiding democracy ♪
But we got no law against piracy ♪
'Tis considered protected speech, ye see ♪
But you're welcome to try and sue ♪
There's rights for all
but less for you ♪
We count each vote
in our hideaway home ♪
As elected leader I can run ye through ♪
Each pirate's equal under law ♪
Each parrot's the equal of each macaw ♪
You severed my neck vein
with your claw! ♪
You should get that looked at soon ♪
[glass cracking]
We lurch about in a drunken rage ♪
In our morally ambiguous island home ♪
Where 12 is the legal drinkin' age ♪
Our government's good,
our economy's planned ♪
But we're hated and feared
and our souls are damned ♪
But we each make at least 200 grand! ♪
So to hell with your living wage ♪
[Bender banging piano keys]
[lid crashes, dissonant chord strikes]
[insects chirring]
[suspenseful music playing]
[all snoring]
[Amy snorts]
[whispering] Wake up!
This is our chance to find Kif.
[snorts] What?
Hey, what happened to the piano?
And the bench?! [grunts]
[softly] Come on. We'll search
the fortress from top to bottom.
It's only got one story.
It's a ranch-style fortress. Look.
[peg leg rattling, snaps]
[Amy] "X" marks the spot.
What spot?
I don't know, that spot. Where the "X" is.
Come on!
[suspenseful music playing]
It's just a bathroom,
but it's really nice.
The toilets are shaped
like treasure chests,
and they're filled with gold doubloons.
[Bender] Hm?
Eh. Eh
[tense, mysterious music playing]
[coin jingling]
Leela, you don't think Kif would
actually turn traitor, do you?
I don't know.
They say every man has his price.
Price?! You mean I could get
paid for my treachery?
♪
[dramatic sting]
[all gasp]
I held up my end of the bargain, Captain.
Time to divvy up the loot.
You'll get yer cut, ye crafty devil.
One for thee, one for me.
[gem clinks]
Count by twos. It'll be faster.
[ominous music playing]
[gems clinking]
Here's yer half the plunder.
I'll need the pillowcase back
afore bedtime.
[door banging]
Hold it right there!
Leela! Amy!
Fry?
Bender? Professor?
Zoidberg?
Hermes? Captain?
[crying] Oh, Kif
you are a traitor!
How could you?
I'm ashamed to call you my best friend!
I can explain.
[dramatic music playing]
I'll do the explaining.
[music stops]
Hang on.
[grunting]
Okay.
[dramatic sting]
Admirella? You're behind all this?
If by "all this" you mean
saving democracy, then yes, I am.
- Is that what you mean?
- I don't know what I mean.
I'm just so blown away by that chair.
There was no other way to defend the DOOP
from President Glab.
[dramatic sting]
[overlapping confused chatter]
- Uh-whuh?
- She intends to engineer a third term
and make herself president for life.
Impossible!
DOOP law limits her to two terms.
The Assembly would never
vote to change that.
In case you hadn't noticed,
she's been packing the Assembly
with stooge dictators on the sly.
Admitting the Vampire Empire
would give her the tie-breaking vote.
- Pfft, this is preposterous!
- I can prove it.
Then it's not.
[video zapping on]
I give you the "piano,"
and you join the DOOP
and give me your vote.
- Do we have a deal?
- Cross my heart and hope to live.
[video zapping off]
So, I brought the pirates
and Lieutenant Kroker into my confidence.
- He's the little green one there.
- We've met.
Together, we staged a raid
to steal the piano
- and foil Glab's plan.
- We'd keep half the gems as our fee.
'Twas earmarked
for the pension and health fund.
[Kif] My role was to ensure
the pirates gained access to the piano.
So, I opened the airlock
instead of raising the shields.
So, it was sabotage!
And by the way, I'm not Zapp Sparrow.
- I'm Zapp Brannigan!
- I don't care even slightly.
The plan worked perfectly.
Kif and I saved the DOOP
from Glab's corrupt scheme.
Oh, Kiffy.
I don't know how I could have doubted you.
I'm sure it took a lot of hard work, dear.
[soft music playing]
It's just surprisin'
that the Vampires' vote
could be bought with
a sub-Liberace-grade piano.
That's where you're wrong.
Well, that and some other places.
[lens whirring] You see, this piano
is on the verge of implosion.
The strings are tighter
than Grandma's girdle!
[plucking string]
- Ah!
- [Buddy squawking]
There be terror on the high C!
[gems clattering]
Magnets.
Furthermore, gemjewelium crystals
are highly radioactive.
So, if the piano were to implode,
it would compress them
to hypercritical mass!
- Uh-huh. Then what?
- A nuclear explosion of unthinkable power!
Well, thinkable.
Uh, but damn big.
My God.
Glab was bribing the vampires
with a weapon of mass destruction?
It's worse than I thought!
And I already thought it wasn't great.
[tense, ominous music playing]
[gavel banging]
Carnivulon, on the motion
to suspend the term-limit law
and elect me to a lifetime reign,
how do you vote?
[speaking angry gibberish]
[universal translator]
That would be lovely, yes.
[counter dings]
Then it's tied.
Vampire Empire,
you have the deciding vote.
I am not sure, Madam President.
It is so hard to make up
one's mind with no piano.
[doors banging]
[Fry, Bender] Hello!
[wheels rattling] Ah!
There, for some reason, is your piano.
- Now, vote yes!
- Not so fast, Madam President.
Under DOOP law remember that?
the Vampires are not voting members
until their anthem has been played.
Ugh. Fine.
Play the damn song.
I thought you'd never ask!
[playing dramatic chords]
Please rise
for the Vampire national anthem.
[upbeat boogie rock music playing]
Oh no! Your national anthem is
Whole Lot of Shakin' Going On?
What?
Even vampires like a good sock hop.
[singing]
Come on over, baby ♪
Whole lotta shakin' goin' on ♪
- Play gently!
- That's as gently as you can play it.
Come on over, baby,
baby, you can't go wrong ♪
This is your doing. Make him stop!
I ain't fakin' ♪
- Not till you resign the presidency!
- Never!
Now, let's get real low one time.
- Shake ♪
- What do you want, money?
Drugs? Piano lessons?
- All you gotta do is stand in one spot
- Oh!
Resign the DOOP presidency
And nominate Admirella as your successor.
A-hum-ah, hum-ah, hum-ah,
come on over, baby ♪
Whole lotta shakin' goin' on ♪
[glass cracking]
- I won't!
- Then, let's go now.
- Shake, baby, shake ♪
- [shrieks] I nominate Admirella!
- Shake, baby, shake ♪
- As temporary president!
Shake, don't you let it break ♪
- Temporary?
- Yeah, temporary.
Well, come on! ♪
- Stop! Stop! For God's sake, stop!
- Whole lotta shakin' goin' ♪
Alright, permanent!
[music stops abruptly]
[Glab sighing]
Since we did not finish the anthem,
the Vampire Empire's membership
is rejected. Get out!
[vampires hissing]
[wings flapping]
And let's grant admission
to the Pirate Planet!
[all cheering]
[upbeat pirate anthem playing]
[singing]
Now raise yer hands in proud salute ♪
[all pirates singing]
The Republic of Pirates 'tis our home ♪
Then keep them there while ♪
[explosion booms]
[wind whooshing]
I don't understand.
The piano imploded,
but the gemjewelium didn't go critical.
We stole the real jewels.
I mean, we're pirates, for Pete's sake.
- That be cubic zirconium.
- Ah.
It's only slightly explosive.
[explosion booming]
[items clattering]
[upbeat theme music playing]