Futurama s11e04 Episode Script

1
♪♪
[upbeat theme music playing]
[glass shatters]
[theme concludes]
[intense music playing]
- Good news, everyone!
- What is it?
I don't remember.
I-I'm not sure if it was even good
or news!
And who's this "everyone"?
[phone ringing]
Dad, where are you?
You were supposed to pick me up from
Chess Game Reenactors Club, remember?
I got checkmated really hard today.
Oh, uh, Cubert, I'm sorry,
it slipped my mind.
I'll be there as soon as
I find my car keys and car.
[liquid dripping]
Uh, excuse me,
but shouldn't we find out
why the ceiling's dripping first?
Ah, yes!
This reminds me
that I was going to take a bath.
In fact, it was this very bath.
[water sloshing]
[faucet squeaking]
I'm worried about the Professor's memory.
I think it's getting wet.
[floor crackling]
[group screaming]
Hello?
[group screaming, bodies thudding]
Good news, everyone!
[dramatic music playing]
I'm afraid it's serious.
He's got Absentminded Scientist Syndrome,
A.S.S.
- Oh, no!
- So sad.
He's got the worst A.S.S. I've ever seen.
Cruel fate, thou hast stolen
the only treasure I have left,
- my precious memories!
- Of what?
It's not like you were some kinda
oversexed motorcycle racer.
I wasn't? Damn!
Aw, don't give up hope.
I think I heard about some
research on memory loss.
[hologram zapping]
Someone studying lab rats
- Really? Who?!
- [Amy] Let's see.
It was Oh, boy.
"Professor Hubert Farnsworth."
Eh, who?
Oh, me!
If I misremember incorrectly,
I had set up a research facility
on Vivisectoid Alpha,
a small planetoid unknown
to animal rights activists.
I was trying to show that rats
confined to an annoyingly difficult maze
would evolve enhanced brain chemistry.
[chomping and chewing]
I would then extract their cerebral fluid
as a treatment for absentmindedness.
So, have they been in the maze long enough
- for their brains to evolve?
- Oh my, yes!
Rats reproduce like rodents
on shore leave.
I'd say roughly a year would do it.
- And how long has it been?
- What day is it?
- Wednesday.
- Huh.
Then it's been 100 years.
[dramatic sting]
[crew gasps]
Come on, people, we have to hurry!
- We do?
- I guess not.
We'll leave next Friday.
[intense music playing]
[Planet Express swooshes]
[ship's computer]
Approaching Vivisectoid Alpha.
That's weird.
The computer says the planetoid is here,
but there's nothing.
Computer?
Don't listen to that hussy!
I'm great in the sack.
[loud banging]
[yelps]
[Leela] Meteor storm!
[ship zooming]
[crew exclaiming]
[all grunting]
[ship thudding, debris clattering]
[ship whooshing]
[branches rustling]
[metal crashing]
[tense music playing]
[crew groaning]
"Please come, Zoidberg.
It'll be fun," they said.
- Nobody said that.
- I don't understand.
If there's no planet here,
what did we land on?
I landed on my shiny, metal ass!
And it landed on me.
I'll try to take off again
so we can see where we are.
[starter rattling, energy whirring]
[engine grumbling]
[starter rattling]
[engine grumbling, stops]
Son of an Easter basket!
We blew a critical vacuum tube.
Unless we can find a replacement,
we're stuck here forever.
[dramatic sting]
I hate you.
[birds chirping]
Huh, looks like we crash-landed
in a completely ordinary place for once.
Even that upside-down part looks ordinary.
[majestic music playing]
What the shmell?
[majestic music swells]
♪♪
A ring-shaped world
shaped like a ring!
I shall call it "Wheel World."
- Its rotation simulates gravity!
- Really?
Let's see what happens
if I throw this rock.
- [grunts]
- Ow!
That's what I thought would happen.
♪♪
What God-like being could have built
such a colossal hoop?
I stand humbled before the work
of an intelligence far greater than mine.
[bushes rustling]
Hi there!
[crew shrieking]
[Dr. Vermius shrieking, gagging]
[dramatic music playing]
[Dr. Vermius shrieking]
Apologies for my reaction,
but you're just so
[shuddering] Ugh!
- What are you?
- We're travelers from another
- [muffled mumbling]
- Another area.
[sniffing] What, precisely,
are you doing here
- in the Forbidden Zone?
- Uh, nothin'.
What are you doing in the Forbidden Zone?
M-Me?
I'm Dr. Vermius of Ratcliffe University.
It is here that I gather these relics
that predate rat civilization.
You wouldn't happen to know
what this is, would you?
[gasps]
[lisping] Certainly not.
I've never seen anything like that.
Nice meeting you.
We'll be on our way now.
No, stay!
I insist.
My colleagues will find you fascinating.
But Rathattan is a long journey,
and night is rotating.
[intense music playing]
We shall set off at sunturn.
I bid you goodnight.
[snoring]
[ominous music playing]
[fire crackling]
These so-called relics are bits and pieces
of my old lab equipment.
And a pair of my lecturing teeth!
I know it sounds insane,
but, somehow,
my rat brain experiment worked.
[gleefully giggling]
But how can that guy
be a descendant of your dinky lab rats?
Well, that part's barely insane at all.
Greater brain power
necessitated a larger body size.
Then Fatatouille over there
must be a genius.
[chuckling]
Your fat joke is correct.
A larger brain has larger caloric demands.
My joke was funnier than yours.
In any case,
until we understand the situation,
we must keep secret
the reason we came here.
You mean to suck out their brain juices?
That reason?
- [group] Shh!
- Clam it, robot!
[dramatic music playing]
This way, this way.
We're crossing the boundary
from the Forbidden Zone
to the Lightly Discouraged Zone.
♪♪
- Wow, these sunflowers are beautiful!
- I find them tacky.
But they produce a seed
with the most exquisite,
delicate flavor.
[munching rapidly]
My word!
I see you've developed
windmill technology!
Yes, the mill workers use it
to generate wind.
Observe.
Ah, vermin! Run away!
[yelping and panting]
[gears cranking]
[windmills whooshing]
[ominous music playing]
[door creaking]
Your appearance seems
to make my people uncomfortable,
so I advise you to wear these prosthetics
for the remainder of our journey.
Why do you think this'll help?
Why? Because they'll like you.
Now, come on.
We'll take the steamboat
the rest of the way.
[whimsical, old-time music playing]
[blowing]
[teeth bonk]
[high-pitched gibberish]
[panting]
[sighs] Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa!
[foghorn blasting]
[group coughing and gagging]
And, here we are.
[majestic music playing]
This is Ratcliffe University,
the finest research institute
in the western semicircle.
You can lose your disguises now.
The academic community
is very open-minded.
Perhaps too open-minded. [yelps]
[mumbling, chomping]
Mm, like a hacky sack, but crunchier.
[protesters chanting]
Free the fleas! Free the fleas!
Yo, what gives?
Pay these zealots no mind.
They're just protesting my flea research.
Damned flea-huggers.
[scratching]
[protesters continue chanting]
[mini cannon firing]
- This room is known as a "laboratory."
- Ya don't say.
- And this is my colleague, Dr. Pestia.
- Uh, charmed.
What strange creatures!
They walk and talk like naked rats.
[giggling] Oh, you flatter me.
Say, I notice you have a lot of primitive,
high-tech stuff there on your rat desk.
You wouldn't happen to have
one of these, would you?
An electrical amplification tube?
Why, yes.
But, I can't quite get it to not explode.
[electricity sparking]
[flames whooshing, fizzles]
[coughs] Have you considered
creating a vacuum
inside the tube, like so?
Without air gumming things up,
you can control much greater voltages.
Professor, you seem strangely familiar
with scientific concepts
such as air and gum.
Plus, you're wearing a lab coat.
And you're called the Professor.
Don't forget the thick glasses!
Do you, perhaps, know more
than you're letting on?
Certainly not. I'm as dumb as a stump.
But enough about me.
Tell us about the origins
of this curious rotating ring
to which your civilization adheres
via centripetal force.
[soft, suspicious music playing]
This archive contains
our most ancient records,
written in long-paw with whisker and ink.
The sacred book
tells of the genesis of our world.
"In the beginning,
there was only the maze."
[crew gasping]
"The Evil One, in his wickedness,
condemned us there to suffer,
"lost in its twisting passageways,
"knowing not from whence
the next cheese would come.
"'Twas a nightmare beyond comprehension.
"But as generations passed,
"we learned to comprehend it,
which was even worse.
"'Cause then we knew
we were stuck in a maze!
[maze cracking]
"In due course, there came an apocalypse.
"Cheese boiled forth from the earth,
"and the maze was blown unto smithereens.
[explosion bangs]
"Yet, out of the chaos,
a glittering ring appeared,
and we rats took refuge upon it
and flourished."
I find myself intrigued by
the character of the "Evil One."
Hey, Professor, don't you wanna
hear more about the Evil One?
- Well, uh, I'm sure he wasn't all bad.
- Oh, but he was.
[dramatic music playing]
It has been my life's work,
the focus of all my research,
to uncover his identity,
- that we might exact our revenge.
- [Professor whimpering]
Man, imagine how scared
the Evil One would be
if he were standing here right now.
- [Professor gulps]
- No, sir, wouldn't wanna be him.
[laughing maniacally]
[muffled laughter]
[light, ominous music playing]
[crickets chirping]
Night has turned.
Dr. Pestia was kind enough
to make up the laboratory
as a sleeping chamber.
- I hope no one's allergic to cedar shavings.
- Okay, yep, right.
I'm ever so tired. Yawn, yawn, yawn.
Goodnight!
[slamming door]
[yawns] Man, I'm tired, too.
I shouldn't have eaten all that millet.
This is no time to sleep!
- They're onto us!
- You mean onto you.
He said Evil "One," not Ones.
Singular.
Not helpful, Hermes.
I've been waiting for a moment alone
because I recognize this relic.
[case door squeaking]
It's my old friend,
Orbiting Security Drone 139-B!
With any luck, its recordings
will fill in some gaps
in that crackpot creation story
we had to sit through.
Really?
Just shove it in? No romance?
[static buzzing]
There she is! Vivisectoid Alpha.
[video whirring]
[explosion booms]
Gadzooks!
The whole planet exploded!
There must have been a pressure build-up
in the cheese cave.
If there's one takeaway, it's this:
always vent your cheese cave.
[pen scribbling]
"Vent cheese cave."
[flames whooshing]
[Professor Farnsworth]
Oh-ho! The heat blast melted
the planet's rocky ring
into a solid surface!
[Hermes]
So, the rats didn't build this ring.
They just infested it,
like a bunch of Zoidbergs.
Thanks for the shoutout.
[crew exclaiming]
As I suspected.
[cable whirring]
It's not what it looks like!
It's just sexual!
It was obvious you were familiar
with these relics,
but I couldn't understand why
until I took a close look
at the Professor's doodle.
Everyone, behold the Professor's doodle!
How could the Professor
have such precise knowledge
of the Evil One's torture devices?
Unless
[dramatic sting]
- He's the Evil One?
- Boom! Nailed it!
[ominous music playing]
[Fry slurping]
As you experimented on us,
so shall we experiment on you!
[stammering] But, I had important reasons!
Animal testing has led
to huge medical advances!
What?
There've been medical advances?
Well, it's true that some lab animals
- had to be, uh inconvenienced.
- With a brain hammer.
But that research
benefited millions of people.
Saved millions of lives!
Well, now it is the rat's turn to benefit.
Let the experiments begin.
[dramatic music playing]
[echoing] Help! I'm lost!
We haven't put you in the maze yet.
[curious music playing]
[electrical buzzing]
[Bender grunting]
[laughing]
[electrical buzzing]
[grunting]
[electrical buzzing]
[laughing]
Strange, he never learns
to take the cheese.
[electrical buzzing]
Oh yeah, I'm a bad boy, baby!
[electrical buzzing]
I deserved that!
[panting]
[wheel rattling]
If you wanted to study how awesome I am,
you could've just asked anyone.
Before you is a test
of deduction and physical skill.
Your goal is to
Yes, yes.
[Hermes chomping]
But, how did he do that?
[sniffing]
That is why you always wear
a safety collar in the lab.
Right, Snivels?
Yeah, I guess.
There. We'll see how you like
having makeup tested on you.
Ooh, my skin feels like it's being jabbed
with a thousand poison needles!
And can you touch up my blush right here?
[brush swooshes]
[Fry screaming]
[dramatic music playing]
You were all excellent research subjects.
[coughs]
Excuse me, there's something going around.
Four more dead.
[coughs]
[wheezing] Make it five.
[chokes]
[wheels rattling]
At any rat, my experiments with you
are essentially complete.
[crew cheering]
Tomorrow, we shall measure the effects
of the stimuli on your brains.
By dissecting them.
[intense dramatic sting]
And then we can leave?
♪♪
[coughing]
[groaning] Oh, dude.
[body thuds]
[Bender grunting]
[metal bars squeaking]
[Bender grumbling]
The robot has the right idea. Escape!
Nah, I'm tryin' to get back
to the shock button.
I'm in love.
[lights buzzing]
Uh
[crew whimpering]
There's no reason to dissect my brain!
You won't find anything!
I'm not dissecting you.
[coughs]
I'm releasing you.
Ugh, I'm homeless again.
Everyone's dying of humonic plague.
[coughing]
Here, I got this vacuum tube to work,
thanks to your doodle.
Take it and run!
- Thank you.
- Yes, you all go.
But I
[solemn music playing]
I shall remain here as a lab animal,
so noble scientists like Dr. Pestia
can test potential treatments on me.
My life is a small price to pay
to cure this terrible plague.
[music stops]
Okay, bye!
[Zoidberg whooping]
Are you sure?
We'll have to infect you
with a fatal disease.
And the cures might be worse.
[coughs]
Also, the needle looks a little rusty.
I'm sure.
Hand me the needle, I'll do it myself.
[wet thunk]
[dramatic sting]
Well, that was a time-saver.
[light, sneaky music playing]
How are we ever gonna find the ship?
I can see it right there!
[majestic music playing]
[Leela] Oh, right. Ring!
- [Bender yelping]
- There they are!
- Seize them!
- Yeah, I sees 'em.
No, you numbskull. I mean arrest!
I don't need a rest, I just woke up.
[General Squeakus growls]
Hey, where'd they go?!
[rat patrol scurrying]
[dramatic music playing]
That was close.
Uh-oh! The centrifugal force is too much.
And there they go!
Fry, quit mooning the universe.
Sorry. [grunting]
[whooshing]
Dang. At least I'll die with my pants up.
Oh, no you won't.
If I'm gettin' dissected, you are too!
[arm whirring]
[Philip muffled] Thank you!
[both coughing and wheezing]
So, this is it. Humonic plague.
[wet coughing]
How blown is it?
Full.
I've developed a number
of candidate treatments.
To begin, I'll determine
which ones kill you
and which ones don't.
Good plan.
But bear in mind, I tend to die easily.
[suspenseful music playing]
We're home free!
The rat patrol must be way behind us!
[General Squeakus] Correct!
[dramatic sting]
So far behind that we're ahead!
That's how rings get ya.
Cheese it!
[intense music playing]
[crew panting]
[crew groaning]
[rat patrol groaning]
What's holdin' me down?
Lack of ambition?
Our running sped up the rotation
and increased the gravity!
Dammit!
[straining and grunting]
Oh, it's no use.
Back the other way!
[ring grinding]
[wind whooshing]
Get them!
[rat patrol panting]
[crew exclaiming]
[rat patrol grunting, thudding]
Oh, no! We're trapped!
And the ship is way
on the other side of the ring!
I've got a plan!
When I say "jump, jerks," you jerks jump!
Could you leave out the "jerk" part?
No, that's the best part!
[Bender panting]
And jump, jerks! [grunts]
[crew exclaiming]
[ring whooshing]
[dramatic music playing]
[crew grunting]
[crew panting]
[seat belts clicking]
This stupid gizmo better work.
[engine humming, rockets roaring]
[crew cheering]
[Planet Express swooshes]
[Leela] Up, up, and away!
[ship crashing]
[metallic thud]
Oh, rats.
[neon sign buzzing]
[rats groaning and coughing]
[all groaning and coughing]
I'm sorry, Dr. Pestia.
My only regret is that I have
but one life to give for science.
Although I suppose
I could give you Fry's, too.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Just touchin' up my makeup.
I'm cryin', but you can't tell
'cause my mascara's waterproof.
Wait a second!
[suspenseful music playing]
Of course!
The fleas are the vector
spreading this plague.
Fry's thick slather of foundation
formed a protective shield!
And the arsenic
that adds that kissable sparkle
must be leaching into the bloodstream,
where it kills the plague bacteria!
Uh, arsenic?
Shut up and inoculate me
with those hot, toxic lips.
[smooching]
Me next!
[puckering sounds]
♪♪
Well, now that the makeup
has cured the plague
and enhanced my cheekbones,
all that remains is to decide
who will dissect whose brain.
As enjoyable as that sounds,
I no longer need your brain juice.
That maze you put me through got my memory
back in tip-top shape. Farewell.
Farewell. From now on,
we shall curse the Evil One
with a fond smile.
And perhaps one day,
we rats could pay a visit to your
We'll be in touch.
[grand music playing]
[Planet Express swooshes]
[upbeat theme music playing]