Futurama s11e05 Episode Script

1
[upbeat theme music playing]
[glass shatters]
[theme concludes]
[bold news intro music playing]
- Good evening.
- [cheerful] Hi!
[serious] Good evening.
- Enough!
- [laughing]
Now, let's get the latest
from our entertainment reporter,
Jim Vaudevillewicz. Jim?
Thanks, doll.
[fans cheering]
I'm here at Madison Cube Garden,
where teen pop sensation Coco Charm
has just announced her new tour.
[pimply teen robot grunts]
I don't much care for pop music myself,
but I'm told her catchy tunes
will really gas your chickens.
Ooh! [excited muttering]
Amy loves Coco Charm!
Oh, I must get her tickets
for her birthday.
Good luck!
Last time, they sold out
in one Coco-second.
The quantum unit of time.
It's hard to get her a meaningful gift.
Amy's family is so wealthy,
she can buy herself anything she wants.
[inspiring music playing]
But this is my chance to show her
how much I love her.
I've been saving up,
and I'm going to get tickets
the instant they go on sale.
Here she comes! Pretend we're talking
about something else.
[stammers] And that's how I cured
the disgusting venereal disease
you all had,
you sick perverts.
[pizza slice plops]
I can catch 'em faster
than you can cure 'em.
[kiss smacking] Sorry I'm late.
I ran outta gas, so I had to buy
a new car dealership.
That's my little problem-solver.
[grand orchestral music playing]
[shuttle whirring]
Deliveries-es.
Open the pod bay doors, Kif.
They're delivering my new
plus-sized captain's chair.
[grunting exhale]
[fabric stretching]
Yes, that will fix it, sir.
[lever clicking]
[bay door whirring]
[gentle beeping]
What's that?! Are we under attack?
No time to answer. Return fire.
It's just a phone alert, sir.
[hologram zapping]
[gasps] Coco Charm's tickets
just went on sale.
I've got to act fast!
[stammering]
[lever springing]
[shuttle whirring]
[bay door thuds]
Lay the deets on me. I'm all earholes.
[electropop music playing]
What's up, Charmy?
I am so excited to tell you
how to get tickets
for my upcoming Revolution Tour!
All you gotta do
is follow me on PinstaCram
- [Kif nervously muttering]
- scroll past the fine print,
and click on the link
to the Charmy Fan Page.
Enter your phone number,
and they'll text you two
six-digit authentication codes.
You guess the right one
[Kif] Ooh, they both look so good.
retype it in the lilac-scented box
My people can't smell lilac!
before it expires in two seconds.
- [Kif groaning]
- And you'll be number
[computer voice] Like, 38 million.
in line for as many
tickets as you want!
[computer voice]
The maximum you can want is two.
Checking Ticketmistress
There are still seats!
[gasps] Oh, dear God,
those cost more than my annual salary.
[scroller clicking]
Wait! I can afford these ones
in the very back.
But they're so far away,
she'll finish playing the song
before we hear it.
Ugh. I suppose it's better than nothing.
Just barely.
It's all the money I've got,
but it'll be worth it.
[graphic chiming]
Plus $500 convenience fee?!
What the heck is a convenience fee?
No one knows. But it's huge,
and it springs on you out of nowhere.
Much like Zapp Brannigan.
[growling]
[somber music playing]
[Kif groaning sadly]
[head thuds]
[Zapp] At ease, Kif.
[body deflating]
[shuttle whirring, crashing]
Dings-dongs, your chair's heres.
♪♪
[water squirting]
[Newt giggling]
Kiffy! Do you like my new purse?
It's made of some fancy leather
I've never even heard of.
What's a "minotaur"?
It's lovely, dear.
I figured I'd treat myself
for my birthday.
It's quiet luxury.
Oh wait, I forgot to turn it on.
[starter sputtering]
[engine revving]
[engine shuts off]
[Kif sighs]
Are you sad?
You know me too well, Newt.
I love Mommy so much,
but I just can't afford to
[suspenseful music playing]
Can't afford
[suspenseful music continues]
Newt, exercise your gills
until Daddy says the coast is clear.
[water splashing]
[Newt giggling, spitting]
[giggling continues]
[somber music playing]
[bright music playing]
[crew singing]
What a day for a birthday ♪
Let's all have some cake ♪
[blowing]
[candles glitching]
Thanks, everybody.
I'm gonna go get a chair for my purse.
It's really heavy 'cause of the battery.
[straining and grunting]
So, did you get those tickets?
Does a glorp shmorble in the woods?
I don't know. I sure do.
Amy's going to be so surprised
when she hears we're seeing Coco Charm!
[eyePhone alert chiming]
Oh, Coco Charm is playing!
[keypad clacking]
VIP seats highest price
convenience fees and smurchase!
[cash register chiming]
Kif's gonna be so surprised
when he hears we're seeing Coco Charm!
[bright music playing]
[all chomping and chewing]
That Bender one's from me, Bender.
- [Amy shrieks]
- I knew you'd like it.
It's one of those smart
health-monitor rings.
[video "game over" tune playing]
Ooh-hoo, now open mine.
I'm so excited, I'm red-shifting!
[pensive music playing]
Coco Charm tickets?
Back row?
[touching music playing]
Oh, Kiffy, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.
Thank you.
- [kiss smacking] Mwah.
- Oh!
[giggling]
[skin shimmering]
[crew] Aw!
Mine was better.
Oh, fuff. Who on Earth
cares about this "Coco Charm"?
Everyone but you, basically.
She's the most popular
musician in the world!
Don't underestimate her, Professor.
She's an astute businessteen
with a degree in computer science.
And her music makes me
feel all these feelings.
I don't even know why.
I know why. And many other things.
[bright music playing]
I've always thought it strange that
the propagation of acoustic waves
through a gaseous medium
could elicit an emotional response.
I've always thought that too, I think.
[piano keys playing]
Why does a major key
feel bright and hopeful,
while a minor key feels sad and dreary?
Because one's sad and one's happy?
Yes, but why?
I I don't know.
I didn't know you could ask that.
[gentle music box music playing]
Maybe certain audio patterns
remind us of our parents' voices
as heard in the womb.
[percussive music playing]
Or the rhythms of nature.
[groovy music playing]
Or simply scratch our primal need
to shake it like a salt shaker.
Make it a Polaroid picture.
I'm on a low-sodium diet.
[inspiring music playing]
Regardless, music is a powerful tool
used by movies, TV,
even lowly cartoons,
to move and inspire viewers.
I understand now.
But why? Why does it affect us so?
[touching music playing]
You see, tiny hair cells in the inner ear
resonate to specific frequencies,
triggering signals in the neurons
of the amygdala,
where sound and emotion
are cognitively interpolated.
[all sobbing]
So expositional.
Thanks again for the tickets, Kiffy.
They're perfect. And so are you.
I'll see you tonight. [smooching]
Man, I wish I'd gotten tickets for Leela.
It's also her birthday this year.
[softly] Here, take these extras.
Just tell her you bought them.
I bought tickets, Leela?
[thrilling music playing]
[crowd cheering]
I know they're not
the best seats, but, um
No, they're fine!
They have giant screens next to the stage.
Look, you can see them
through the binoculars.
[door opens]
[binoculars whirring]
[Kif] Wait, is that Fry and Leela
down at sea level?
How could they afford VIP tickets?
Oh, it's probably just
a Fry-and-Leela-shaped smudge
on the lens. [chuckles nervously]
Here, let me clean it.
[lens squeaking]
Oops!
[binoculars shattering]
[crowd chattering]
Wow. I'm surprised
I bought such great seats!
[breathing deeply]
We're so close I can smell the roadies.
Well, I do have three armpits.
[lights whirring, spotlights clicking]
[microphone feedback]
[announcer] And now,
please welcome
our opening act, DJ TimeFilla,
with his number three hit,
Airline Customer Service Hold Music.
[gasps] I know that one!
[stage lift whirring]
[smooth jazz "hold" music playing]
[DJ TimeFilla]
We appreciate your patience.
The performer you paid for
[recorded voice] Coco. Charm.
[DJ TimeFilla]
is currently eating a light snack.
Please hold for the next available
[recorded voice] Coco. Charm.
We love you, DJ TimeFilla!
Are you having fun?
You're not even wearing
the counterfeit shirt Bender sold us.
I didn't wanna hurt your feelings, Fry,
but I don't really like Coco Charm.
I'm gonna catch up on my audio books.
[jazz "hold" music continues]
[earbuds whirring, clicking]
Ooh, a British accent.
[DJ TimeFilla] Your entertainment
is important to us.
Your headliner will be with you
in five four
[cheering growing louder]
[Coco Charm] Three two
- One!
- [DJ TimeFilla shrieking]
[crowd cheering]
How's my Charmy doing tonight?
[cheering and applause]
[Amy] We love you, Coco!
That dot is her!
[pop rock music playing]
Your arms are around me ♪
Holdin' me back ♪
You never do the dishes ♪
There's a stain on your slacks ♪
I love you, but you're such a loser! ♪
It's like she's singing just to me.
[power-pop music playing]
You're a little bit fun ♪
And a lotta dead weight ♪
[singing along] I'm a little bit fun ♪
And a lotta dead weight ♪
A little bit fun, fun, fun ♪
[country music playing]
Every anniversary ♪
Feels like another 100 years ♪
[upbeat pop rock music playing]
He left me hangin' on the vine ♪
All he did was whine ♪
Now I'm lookin'
for a new bad boyfriend ♪
Baby, maybe you got the grapes ♪
Oh yeah, said ♪
Baby, maybe you got the grapes ♪
[cheering and applause]
Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about!
[screen clicking]
Woo-hoo!
[cheering and applause continue]
[Coco panting]
That was fantastic, Miss Charm.
What? Oh, yeah.
So yeah.
It's like your music totally gets
into our heads, you know?
Well [chuckles]
I mean, music is really just
computer code for the mind.
[guitar music playing]
[hologram twinkling]
If you know how to program
in that language,
you can make people respond
however you want.
[chuckles] If you don't believe me,
wait 'til you see my encore.
[crowd] [chanting]
Encore! Encore! Encore! Encore!
[flames whooshing]
[crowd cheering]
[electric guitar playing]
Charmy, are you with me?
[crowd continues cheering]
Bring back DJ TimeFilla!
I said, are you with me?
[upbeat rock music playing]
'Cause it's time for a revolution.
[crowd cheering]
[electric guitar riffing]
[feet stomping in unison]
[upbeat rock music playing]
We're not an army, we're a Charmy!
But, by the way, we're also an army.
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat rock music continues]
Army? Aren't you already in one of those?
Yes. My loyalty is to Commander Brannigan.
Assimilation is freedom ♪
[crowd stomping]
Yes, Commander Charm!
[upbeat rock music continues]
[rhythmic stomping continues]
It's so loud, I'm hearing
something through my butt!
[stomping continues]
[floor cracking]
[Leela] The beat is too crunchy!
We have to get outta here!
This whole place is gonna come down.
No, this whole world is gonna come down.
- What?
- I said
- [Leela] Hi-yah!
- [Fry chokes]
[crowd stomping]
[upbeat rock music continues]
[dramatic music playing]
[rocket blasting]
[dramatic music continues]
She sure knows how to finish a show.
[stadium rumbling]
[ominous music playing]
[TV static buzzing]
My fellow Earthicans,
a giant stadium is menacing our world
for reasons unknown.
I have therefore ordered four-skirt
General Zapp Brannigan to
[startled barking]
[antenna twanging]
[Zapp chuckles and sighs]
Take us into firing range, Kif.
Kif has the day off, sir.
I'm Ensign Zig.
Grobel Zig's daughter?
I served under your father!
Yes, sir. You got him killed.
Glad you're following in his footsteps.
Now, I don't like shooting
unarmed enemies,
I love it!
[explosion booms]
[grunts]
Hey! You said they were unarmed.
It's some kind of sonic weapon.
[rhythmic stomp-clapping]
[battle rock music playing]
[sonic wave blasting]
[Zapp Brannigan] Whoa!
[lasers zapping]
[sonic waves blasting]
[blasting and zapping continue over TV]
Sweet potato gnocchi of the Okefenokee!
Is that the cube
Leela, Fry, and Amy are in?
[door opens]
[Leela panting]
[others gasp]
So, how was the concert?
- [Fry thuds]
- Coco Charm used her music
to take control of her fans somehow!
[Fry rhythmic stomp-clapping]
Cut that out!
[smacking, grunts]
[Fry thuds]
Oops, he's dead.
[grunting] No, I'm okay.
You don't look okay.
Bender, stop killing Fry and listen.
Before the attack, Coco said
something weird about using music
as a programming language.
My God!
That pop phenom is using musical riffs
to reprogram the brain!
Is there any way to stop it?
- [Fry thuds]
- Good question!
We'll have to override her melody
with a carefully composed counter-melody
that will program them to surrender.
Let's just hope there's some weakness
in the design of that death cube.
[hologram beeping]
Of course!
If we fly through this
T-shirt vendor access trench,
we can transmit our surrender melody
via the stadium's Bluetooth receiver!
But, due to the pathetically
limited range of Bluetooth,
we'll need to get within eight feet
before we fire the playlist.
What is this, Tron?
- No, Star Wars.
- Got it. Let's go.
[dramatic music playing]
[lasers zapping]
[Planet Express zooming]
Hold onto your bowels. I'm going in!
[sonic waves blasting]
[rockets zooming]
Closing on target.
The volume knob's stuck!
Use some force, Luke-la.
[Fry stomp-clapping]
[Leela grunting]
Got it!
Firing surrender playlist in three, two
[grunting]
[crew yelping]
Fry! What are you doing?
[rhythmic stomp-clapping]
[Bluetooth waves blasting]
We missed! We're off course.
[Bluetooth waves blasting]
[Nimbus powering down]
[electronic "surrender melody" playing]
God, that's demoralizing.
I can't fight to that.
- Surrender at will!
- [sighing] Ugh.
[rhythmic stomp-clapping]
I don't get it. Fry can't still be
hearing Coco Charm's music.
The ship is soundproof.
Oh no!
The music is so catchy,
it's stuck in his head.
If we can't get it out of there,
Fry will dance himself to death!
[pensive music playing]
[keyboard clacking]
[Fry muffled humming]
It's no use.
We've tried playing
catchy commercial jingles,
Walking on Sunshine,
even shocking him to a competing ska beat.
[electricity zapping]
[ska music playing]
If electro-ska therapy
won't cure him, nothin' will.
Then, I'm afraid Fry's only hope
is emergency surgery
to remove the affected brain cells.
[all gasping]
[pincers clacking]
Prepare for brain surgery!
- [Fry continues humming]
- The brain's the one in the groin, yes?
[dramatic music playing]
[glove snapping]
[pincer clacking]
[brain scan rhythmically beeping]
We'll need to excise the precise neurons
caught in Coco Charm's
Dance Dance Revolution.
It's too delicate an operation
for a scalpel.
I'll have to raw-claw it.
[pincers snipping]
[flesh squelching]
[all cringing and gagging]
[Dr. Zoidberg] Here, hold this.
[scalp plopping]
[claws snipping]
[graphics beeping]
And done!
I think maybe the surgery
was a success for once.
[scalp squishing]
How do you feel?
Great!
I'm I'm okay.
I finally got that damn melody
outta my head.
- How'd it go again?
- Like this. [clearing throat]
[singing]
You're a little bit fun and a ♪
[fist thuds]
[Bender exclaims]
[dramatic music playing]
[landing thuds]
[Charmy rhythmic stomp-clapping]
[dancing stops]
Earth hereby surrenders.
I just have one question.
What the hell?
I have always stood for peace and love.
[camera shutters clicking]
But for too long,
Earth has moved
relentlessly toward conflict.
That is why I am deploying my Charmy
to rid the world of its weapons of war.
Even now, a squad of my elite Charmandos
are destroying your stockpile
of doomsday devices,
ensuring they'll never ever
be used in anger again!
Well, how else would
you use a doomsday device?!
[explosion blasting]
[stomp-clapping]
Besties, the age of war is over.
[Omicronian saucers zooming]
[Leela] Alien invaders!
We're under attack. Man battle stations!
With what?
We don't have any weapons anymore.
We don't even have any stations.
[dramatic music playing]
[air brakes hissing]
I'm gonna write
a really sad hit about this.
[dramatic music playing]
[plank thuds]
[music intensifies]
[microphone feedback]
I am Lrrr,
ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8,
and also, now this pathetic,
defenseless planet.
[softly] What planet is this, by the way?
Earth, Your Magnificence.
Seriously? Again?!
Well, whatever.
I promise my regime will be
as merciless as it is cruel!
Long may you reign.
Are you happy now, you misguided ninny?!
You've handed Earth over
to a vicious space lizard.
[Coco sobbing]
[sad guitar strumming]
I'm just a teenager.
How would I know what to do with an army?
[sobbing]
"Peace on Earth" sounded so good.
O-M-G, you're Coco Charm!
I am Lrrr, ruler of
the Coco Charm Fan Club
of Omicron Persei 8.
Would you, uh would you be willing
to sign something?
How about my skull?
[scalp peeling]
[Lrrr grunting]
[pen scribbling]
[hand slapping]
Ah!
Keep it in your skin, Lrrr.
I was gonna turn this planet
into a hellscape,
you know, as a vacation spot.
But I don't want to cause any drama.
To quote your hit song,
"I'm gonna be the bigger girl."
Well, I guess that's that. World peace.
Back to your joyless,
soul-crushing lives, everyone.
You're free, Charmy.
[bright rock music playing]
[all groaning and muttering]
Please give me grace
about the brain programming.
It's fine. It was a great concert.
I just feel sad that we have
all these armies and no one to fight.
[military drumroll music playing]
Actually, we do have someone to fight.
An enemy we all hate
from the deepest depths of our gills.
Really? What could be so evil
that literally every sentient being
in the universe hates it?
[in grim tone] Ticketmistress.
[dramatic sting]
[all booing and jeering]
- Okay then.
- They're monsters!
I mean, the fees cost
more than the tickets!
I hate Ticketmistress more than anybody.
They've been gouging my fans for years.
But what can I do?
[sobbing] I'm just a teenager.
With three armies. Let's get 'em!
[all cheering]
[determined rock music playing]
[all stomping and clapping]
♪♪
[doors smashing]
[crowd clamoring]
[music stops]
There's nobody here.
Nobody but this algorithm.
[computer beeping]
A very simple algorithm.
When demand goes up, it raises prices.
And when demand goes down,
it raises prices.
It's a little anticlimactic.
But I guess I'll smash it.
[dramatic sting]
Go ahead.
If you want to destroy
the one good thing I've ever done.
[all gasping]
Mom?! You run Ticketmistress
Actually never mind, 'cause
that's the only possible thing.
Ticketmistress is my way
of giving back to the world.
Are you insane?!
What about those convenience fees?
[shudders]
Those huge, predatory [stammering]
The fact is, not one penny
of those fees goes to me.
Aroo! It's true, Kroker.
Mom has teamed up with
the Department of Health and Human
and Nonhuman Services.
[touching music playing]
Everrrry cent of those convenience fees
goes to support schools, and hospitals,
and to fight childhood hunger.
Noble goals, but costly.
They paid for my tail-removal surgery.
[crowd] Aww!
You may not like convenience fees,
but they're a blessing for those in need.
You're right!
We don't like convenience fees!
[all yelling agreement]
Let's wreck up the place!
[angry rock music playing]
[machines shattering]
[screaming]
[glass shattering]
[Zoidberg slurping]
[music stops]
We did it, Charmy!
Ticketmistress will never again
gouge you with those massive fees!
[crowd cheering]
From this day forth, I swear,
those fees will all go to me!
[crowd cheering]
[confused chatter]
What?
[crickets chirping]
[Leela humming]
[singing]
Baby, maybe you got the grapes ♪
Sorry. Too soon.
Thanks again
for the front-row tickets, Amy.
Everything worked out just fi
[groaning]
Amy, you had VIP tickets
and you gave them away?
Why?
[gentle music playing]
Because I liked the ones
you bought me better.
My love, I have a terrible confession.
I couldn't afford tickets,
so I stole the money.
Kif! [gasps]
You stole money?
- I'm so proud of you!
- [grunting]
Unless you stole it from me.
No, I stole it from Amy.
It's the worst thing I've ever done.
[sobbing] How can you ever forgive me?
Like this.
[smooches]
Aw.
Also, Fry's dead.
[upbeat rock music playing]
That corkscrew walked all over me ♪
Like he was crushing cheap Chablis ♪
Now, I'm lookin'
for a new bad boyfriend ♪
Baby, maybe you got the grapes ♪
Oh yeah, said ♪
Baby, maybe you got the grapes ♪
Yeah! Sing it, come on!
Wreck it up, Charmy!
Now I'm lookin'
for a new bad boyfriend ♪
Yeah, you got the grapes,
oh yeah, said ♪
Baby, maybe you got the grapes ♪
Yes!
[music ends]
[cheering and applause]
[Randy] Bring back DJ TimeFilla!