Bob's Burgers s11e09 Episode Script

1
Ooh, Ham and Egger!
We don't have ham and eggers, do we?
- No.
- N-Not the food, the movie.
They're gonna show it tonight on TV.
- "Don't Count Out The Ham and Egger."
- It sounds delicious.
- It's a boxing movie.
- Oh, boo.
"Ham and Egger" is an old boxing term
for fighters who don't
have much left in 'em.
Guys who agree to fight just
to earn enough for a meal.
- Like ham and eggs?
- Exactly.
I mean, that movie's kind
of a poor man's Rocky, right?
Are you nuts, Bob?
The Ham and Egger is
way better than Rocky.
I have to admit I never saw it, Teddy.
But didn't they have the song
in it called "Look of the Lion"?
Yeah. What's your point?
Well Rocky III had
"Eye of the Tiger."
A totally different animal, Bob.
- Hmm. I mean
- Just do yourself a favor,
watch it tonight Love,
loss, blood, revenge.
You had me at blood and revenge, Teddy.
You know, I used to take boxing classes
at the Y before you kids were born.
- Y did you stop?
- Did you accidentally
- kill a guy in the ring?
- No.
Did you accidentally
pants a guy in the ring?
- How many fights did you win, all of them?
- Well
- 20? Ten?
- Uh it's
- Any?
- Okay, I never actually got in the ring.
- What?!
- I only did it for a week, okay?
I-I don't know why I brought it up.
I didn't think you guys
would ask so many questions.
Hey, Mike. Table for one?
Just kidding, I know you're
just dropping off the mail.
Mm-hmm. It's funny
every time you say that.
- I know.
- You got a package today.
Ooh, I bet it's the
sheet masks I ordered for "Spa-turday."
- Gimme, gimme, gimme.
- Wait, there's a P in Saturday?
This is like the D
in Wednesday all over again.
No, it's Mom and Gene's weekly spa time.
Every Saturday before dinner,
me and my Geenie Weenie
get together for a little
mother-son pampering.
Eh, I do that with my truck.
We get in our swim suits,
put on some spa music,
hop in the tub, I vent
to Mom about my week,
and we just spa.
And I definitely don't pee
in the tub even a little bit.
Okay, then, so long.
- You're welcome.
- Oh.
- Uh, thanks, Mike.
- Yeah.
Here, Linda. You got a letter.
Ooh, it's from Janine over
at Yours Truly Stationery.
Oh, it's happening.
She's starting the group
for female business owners
that she was talking about.
"Inspiring local businesswomen
sharing stories
of their challenges and successes."
That sounds great, Lin.
I know, I'm so excited.
This group is made for me.
I'm a woman and a restaura-saur.
- A-A what?
- A restaura-saur.
It's-it's restauranteur.
- What did I say?
- Restaura-saur, like dinosaur.
- Well, Mom's way sounds cooler.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Look at us Belcher girls.
- Local businesswomen sticking together.
- Rawr!
Business Woman Dinosaurs
I think that's a show on PBS.
Hey, string, want to tangle?
Oh. What? What'd I tell you
about punching the string?
- Sorry, boss.
- What's the matter with you?
- You think we can sell dented string?
- No.
So he punches string?
He's training, he works
in a string factory.
It makes sense.
Pretty cool his boss doesn't yell at him
for having his shirt off, too.
Look at him showing
those spools who's boss.
Yeah, I pity the spools.
This is just basically the
same exact story as Rocky.
Should we just rent that?
Sorry, Dad. We're Ham and Egger kids.
They're showing part
two tomorrow you in?
- Ham straight.
- I'm out.
But remind me to show
you good movies sometime.
Thank you, Janine. I'll,
uh, see you then, bye.
Oh boy. Gene's not gonna like this.
- Maybe I shouldn't do it.
- Do what?
The businesswomen's meetings.
They're during Spa-turday.
Oh. Well, do you want to go?
- I really, really want to go.
- Then you should.
Gene can handle it. I think.
- Just do spa day on another day.
- Maybe.
Hey, what if you tell
Gene I can't do Spa-turday?
- Hell no.
- Right, right.
- Gene?
- I'm not eating my secret brisket stash!
No, that's not why I'm here.
Oh. Then do you want some?
No. No, thank you, Gene.
Oh, well, maybe just a little. Mmm.
It's good. So, you know how I'm gonna do
that inspiring women's
business people thingy?
The future is female.
Yeah it is.
Well, it's once a week for six weeks
- It's only six weeks.
- Uh-huh.
And the meetings are on
Saturdays during our spa time.
What?!
The, uh meetings are on Saturdays
during our spa time,
and it starts tomorrow.
No!
You made me spit out secret brisket!
All right,
I'm off to my first meeting.
Gene, are you sure we just can't move
Spa-turday to tomorrow?
Again with this, Mother?
Spunday? Do you hear how
ridiculous that sounds?
Yeah, Mom.
Besides, Sunday is "Mommy
and Me Salami and Tea" time.
You guys keep a busy schedule.
Gene, your father has
nicely offered to sub for me.
You're not gonna miss a thing.
Uh, yeah, I'm, uh,
looking forward to it.
I-I could use a deep scrub.
Dad, do you even know
where your T-zone is?
Uh, is that my tushy?
Lucky guess.
It's not gonna be the same.
It'll be great.
In a different, hairy dad kind of way.
Okay, I'm off to the community center.
Bye, everyone.
Stay out of my room.
Hello, Linda. Thanks for coming.
Aw, thanks for having me, Janine.
Women, women, women, go!
So, eh, for our first meeting,
we're all wearing
stickers with our names
and the name of our business.
Go ahead and put on one
- and have a seat.
- Okay.
Businesswomen, look at us go
Doing all the business
from our head to our toes
I feel so empowered,
I feel ten out of ten
'Cause I'm talking
lots of business
With these businesswomen
Where should I put my name tag
Should I put it here, no,
should I put it here, no
Should I put it here?
No, here.
Uh, Linda?
Huh? Oh, sorry.
Sorry, just excited, go ahead.
Hey, Constance.
Hiya, Ham and Egger.
You look beautifuller
than even last time.
- Aw, no I don't.
- Here, I brought you something.
- It's string.
- Yellow! My favorite.
Nothing's too good for my best girl.
- Okay, then, see you around.
- Oh, bye.
- Damn.
- I know all sequels are good,
but this is amazing.
Oh, you're still watching this?
I feel like I failed you.
Says the guy who probably
never got Mom string.
And his nipples are out right now.
Father, Spa-turday
has officially started.
Coming. Rocky rules,
Ham and Egger sucks.
- Get out.
- Wrong.
Aah! Sorry. I wasn't ready
for the mask. It's alarming.
Here's yours.
Great. You and your mom were really, uh,
excited about these things, right?
That was a long time ago.
I was a different boy then.
Now I'm a man.
Uh, okay. Here we go.
Aah!
- Careful.
- Sorry. Okay, all right.
I like the music.
What is that flutes?
It's a Norwegian
waterfall and pan pipes.
Oh, look. They already have
eye, nose and mouth holes.
- Great. I have all of those.
- Yep.
So, you want to vent about your week?
- No thank you.
- You know, Gene, it's-it's good
for your mom to do stuff for herself.
Like, uh, for instance, this
women's business owners group.
I know! Everything's fine!
Gene, I-I think it's just important
Oh, wait, my mustache
is getting in the way.
Maybe I should try and
tear a mustache hole?
Oops, too much. Let
me just patch this up.
Uh, uh-oh.
Mom's mustache wouldn't
have been an issue, probably.
But her eyebrows are.
Anyway, I was just saying
I think it's important
for your mom to get to do her own stuff.
She's not just a mom, she's a person.
If she's not just a mom,
then why is her name Mom?
Well, she's also Linda.
Sounds weird, but I believe you.
And it's important for
me to do stuff like this.
I didn't know my face
could feel this fresh.
Look at Ham and Egger go.
That idiot Handsome Joe is gonna look
more like What Happened to
Your Face Joe after this.
Do you think that's all real sweat,
or did they spray sweet,
sweet movie sweat on them
to make them glisten like that?
We should get really good at fighting.
- We should?
- Yeah.
It's our only ticket out of this dump.
I mean, it's modest, but it's ours.
And you never know
when we'll have to face
our own Handsome Joe
in a championship fight.
Huh. Good point. Glisteny Handsome Joe.
- Yeah.
- You know, if you want,
I could teach you a few things.
You've never even been in a fight, Tina.
Yeah, but remember that time
I dreamt that I was fighting
that inflatable tube man
from the car dealership?
- No.
- Well, Dad came in to check on me,
and I accidentally
punched him in my sleep
and he screamed and maybe cried a little
even though he said he didn't.
Oh, yeah, I remember that.
So? Huh?
Okay, you can teach me.
- Yes!
- Ow!
- Sorry.
- You put a lemon slice
on my eye instead of a cucumber!
I got confused by all
the food in the bathroom.
Lemons are for the water,
cucumbers are for the eyes.
And salt and vinegar
chips are for the mouth.
Hi, everyone. How was Spa-turday?
- Compromised!
- How-how was the meeting?
Oh, it was amazing.
Businesswomen supporting
other businesswomen.
Networking, sharing experiences.
I feel so
You know? Do I look
Do I look to you, huh?
Uh, yeah, you do, kind of.
Well, I don't need
your approval, mister.
Just kidding. I'll take it.
Well, glad you enjoyed it, Mother.
I did. I kind of feel like
doing one-armed pushups.
Well, Spa-turday was
Blah-turday without you.
Hey, maybe I can go to
next week's meeting with you?
Aw, Gene, that's sweet you
want to see what Mommy's doing,
but it's for ladies only.
No fair. Women have it all.
Aw, my poor sad little boy.
I hate seeing him like this.
I'm gonna go tell him
that I'm not gonna go
to the meetings anymore and
that women are stupid.
Lin, no. Gene'll be okay.
Right. Right. Well,
then I'm gonna go pee.
A little came out when
I was thrusting before.
Let's go home, huh? You did your best.
Five six
seven
I haven't done my best yet.
The music is weird. Is the music weird?
- No talking.
- Shush.
I want to be that good, Tina.
You're gonna have to train me harder
than you've ever trained anyone.
Including that first
training bra you had.
Okay.
All right, kid.
We've been training all week for this.
Lot of jump rope, lot of
shadow boxing our shadows.
You ready to throw some punches?
- Ready.
- Okay, I'll go first.
Is that how it works? We take turns?
- I think so.
- Okay, bring it.
Oh, boy. Here comes the thunder!
- Let's do it!
- Are you sure you want the full thunder?
- Yeah.
- Maybe I'll just start
- with a little lightning.
- Don't hold back, T, come on.
Here I go!
I don't want to hurt you.
Tina, we're wearing pillows. Bring it!
Stop it, you two. You're
gonna break something.
- I mean, not at this rate.
- Where's Gene?
I got to say goodbye
before I go to my meeting.
Gene? Goodbye.
Gene? I'm heading to the meeting, so
I just wanted to say bye.
And I love you. And
you're my precious angel.
- Uh-huh.
- Can Mama get a little hug?
Okay, fine, a 45 to
65-second hug, but that's it.
And I'm gonna smell you a little,
but just remember that I'm still angry.
Oh, Gene. You know what?
If you really want to come with me,
- I guess that's okay.
- Yeah?
Yeah. I mean, it might
be boring for you, but
Then I'll bring my
homework to do, quietly.
I assume I have some.
I've never checked.
And you got to be a good little boy.
I'll be a regular Shirley Temple.
Oh, you're doing that
with our pillows? Okay.
- Tina, you can do this.
- Whoa.
That's-that's not how you punch.
All right, Gene's coming with
me to the meeting tonight.
Just got to grab some
stuff. Uh, homework stuff.
He's going with you? So no Spa-turday?
I mean, I could use a
little exfoliating. I think.
I mean, we all probably could.
Okay, time for a new trainer.
Dad, you want to teach
me and Tina how to fight?
You know, since you used to
go to a boxing gym for a week?
- Really?
- Yeah. Turns out the only punch
I'm good at is the Hawaiian kind.
Actually, I'm not that
good at that, either.
I put too much water in it.
Uh, great. I'll definitely
show you some stuff.
Hook. Jab. Uppercut. Boom-boom.
Just kidding. Boom-boom's not real.
- We know.
- This is gonna be fun.
- Uh, let me go change.
- I'm ready.
Okay, bye, my boxing babies.
- Come on, Gene.
- Right behind you, Mama.
Have fun at the businesswomen's
meeting, I guess.
- Why do you want to go?
- To learn.
I'm not losing mom
to the cutthroat business world.
What do you mean? It's only six weeks.
Yeah, but she'll get
all the tools she needs
to climb the corporate
ladder and become president
of all restaurants and have
to move to New York City.
- Or Fort Lauderdale.
- Okay. So what's your plan?
I'm gonna show Mom what she's missing.
After tonight, she'll
want to quit that group
and Spa-turdays will be back on, baby.
Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.
I know. Great idea, right? Bye.
I'm so smart,
I'm so smart, I'm so smart.
Um, uh, bye.
Hi, everyone. I hope you don't mind,
my son Gene wanted to come and see
- what this is all about.
- Hello.
- Hi. - Hello.
- Women only!
Uh, Gene is just gonna
sit quietly and observe
while he does some
homework. Right, Gene?
You won't even know I'm here.
Unless I sneeze or fart or sneeze-fart,
in which case I'll say "excuse me."
Okay, let's jump in. Tonight we'll talk
about how we can empower each other.
Empowered Women Empowering Women.
Or E.W.E.W. for short.
Or maybe "ew, ew"?
Oh, no, not that.
Well, last week empowered this lady.
I applied what we talked about.
All that "grow change
to change growth" crap.
You mean "you have to be open to change
in order to grow and make change"?
That's what I said. I
made a lot of change,
and we made a lot of change. Cha-ching.
And I grew a lot. As a person.
The sex has never been better.
Oh, that's very good.
Sorry to interrupt, but can someone
point me to the bathroom?
I have to do something
that rhymes with soup
and might have the same consistency.
It's just down to the right.
Hmm.
So, it's not exactly a side of beef,
but it's, uh, beef chunks.
And the bag's thick, so I
think it'll be good to punch.
I mean, I'd probably break it,
- but you guys won't.
- Okay, big shot.
Plus, beef is good
enough for Rocky, right?
It's fine, if you have
absolutely no giant spools of string.
- We-we don't.
- You checked?
I don't need to check, Tina.
Come on, give it a go. Punch the chunks.
Okay, so like this?
Oh, my God, no. Are you
closing your thumb in your fist?
- Yeah.
- You can break your thumb that way.
- It did hurt a little.
- And you got to keep your wrist straight.
How's this?
No, no, that's not good.
Uh, you don't punch with both
hands at the same time, Louise.
But it's twice the punch, Dad.
- No.
- I got the look of the lion.
Oh, my God.
So, yeah, I think
we're realizing that some of us
have a problem with being too nice.
I have a huge freaking problem
with being too nice.
Wha-What is that?
Oh, boy. I'll, uh, I'll go check it out.
You guys keep going. I'll be right back.
Hmm.
What the What's going on?
Gene, are you trying to Say
Anything me with spa music?
Oh, thank God you finally got here.
I've been holding this thing
up for, like, 30 seconds.
Anyway, since you're here, how
about some scented moisturizer?
Gene, sweetie, I need to
go back to the meeting.
But you seem so tense.
All those business issues.
And the eucalyptus is so soothing.
I mean, the eucalyptus is relaxing
But no. No, I got to
go back to the meeting.
Ugh, I can't open it 'cause
of the stuff on my hands.
- Gene, open the door.
- Beauty mud.
- No beauty mud.
- Yes beauty mud.
- It firms and tones.
- Stupid lotion.
Well, I guess you're
trapped with me here forever.
Did I say forever? I meant
for that to sound more casual.
Gene!
-Hah! Hah! Hah!
-Thumb out. Thumb out. Thumb out.
Okay, okay, let's stop for a second.
I feel like both of you are not
listening to a word I'm saying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We heard. One hand.
Whatever. I think we're ready to spar.
- No, no. What? Wait. No.
- Yeah.
- Why not?
- Because you haven't
learned any boxing.
You may have actually
gotten worse at it.
Oh, great. That's probably an
intruder, and we don't
know how to fight.
Puh. This is on you, Dad.
I'm gonna give him the two-punch!
Bob. It's me, Teddy.
I-I can see you. It's glass.
Blink twice if you're being robbed.
I was driving by, I saw your lights on.
- Are you in danger?
- Don't worry, Teddy. Everything's fine.
- It's not fine.
- Dad's scared to spar with us.
He's supposed to be
teaching us how to fight,
but all we're doing
is hitting beef chunks.
Is "beef chunks" what
you're calling Gene now?
- No. He's at his women's group.
- Got it.
So, sparring. That sounds fun.
Can I spar? We could
call it "Spar-turday."
- Like Linda and Gene's thing.
- You can fight with us,
but we're not calling it that.
This would go easier
if you would just give in to the mud.
- Ha!
- Damn it!
You stay here, Gene.
We'll talk about this later.
Ugh. I may as well leave this on.
It feels like it's working.
I'm so mad right now.
Oh, you're mad? You're the
one that abandoned Spa-turday.
Our forefathers fought for this right.
Now's not a good time.
We will talk later.
Hi, everyone. I'm back. Sorry.
Oh, now's not a good time?
Well, when is a good time, Linda?
- "Linda"?
- Yeah. You're a real person, apparently,
so if you're not Mom, you're Linda.
And I like Mom a whole lot more
than I like Linda right now.
What's on your face?
- Beauty mud.
- Beauty mud.
What is that mud made
of? It smells amazing.
Kelp and magic.
So you like Mom better than
Linda right now, huh, Gene?
Yes. Linda is a hardened businesswoman.
Mom is a fun lady who
pays attention to me
and makes a hell of a DIY body scrub.
I never should've let you come.
I never should have let you come.
- What?
- I've been far too permissive with you,
and look where it's got us.
- In a way, this is my fault, too.
- Aah.
Is this part of the meeting?
Like a sketch or something?
No.
Okay, so remember: thumbs
out, wrists straight.
- And float like a boat.
- Float like a butterfly.
Right. Boats float. Butterflies fly.
It's in the name, but whatever.
Okay, enough. Less gab, more jab.
Ow! Son of a
- See?
- Yeah, Louise.
Keep your wrist straight.
- Ow! Aah. I'm okay, I think.
- Oh, my God.
Here, let me just show you.
I'm dancing, I'm jabbing.
- Jab. Ow! Jab. Ow!
- Cool.
Did you hurt yourself,
too? The expert?
No. No, I'm not hurt.
I think it's just
sympathy pain for you guys.
Admit it, Dad, you're
hurt. Worse than us.
Well, I've worked up an appetite.
Should we all take a
break and get a burger?
I know a great place.
If Dad can even make a
burger with that bruised ego.
I'm-I'm totally fine, Louise.
Let's go make Teddy a burger.
That-That's not a pretty patty.
It's got a good personality.
- Ah. No, it doesn't.
- Funny how it's all lumpy,
seeing how your wrist
is not messed up at all.
Okay, fine. I hurt myself.
Help me, Louise. Will
you cut the tomato?
Tina, will you grab me a plate?
How's that burger coming?
Perfectly round, I hope.
Little worried about
what I'm hearing out here.
Everything's under control.
Ow.
Oh, that hurts.
Nope. That's not gonna work.
This is a disaster. I
never should have sparred.
- I wasn't ready.
- Wait. What are you doing?
I don't know. Maybe dying.
- I always knew it would end this way.
- I'm gonna die, too.
I don't want to have
to drag your bodies out of here.
How are we doing? I can't see anyone.
Wait a minute. We're not gonna die.
- We got to get up off the mat.
- We do?
Yeah, we do. Like Ham and Egger.
Uh, okay. Here we go.
We can do this.
Hey, I feel bad. Forget it, right?
You tried your best.
We haven't tried our best yet!
Yes! Ham and Egger.
Still a bad movie.
You're a bad movie.
Let's finish the job.
Look of the lion
Starin' 'em down
Look of the lion
Lay him out!
Do it!
- We did it!
- Yeah, we did.
Here you go, Teddy. We did it.
That'll do, pig.
Sorry, that's from a different movie.
- Hmm. It's a little rare, Bob.
- What?!
Nothing. No. This is good.
Gene, we can't keep talking about this.
This is a local businesswomen's
group, not our bathtub.
Our bathtub isn't a place,
it's a state of mind.
Look, Gene, I love all
the stuff we do together,
pretty much every day of the week.
Same here. Let's keep doing
those things together all the time.
Honey, listen, being a mom is amazing.
And being your mom is even more amazing.
And I'll tell you
something, I felt guilty
about going to these meetings at first.
I thought I needed
permission to do this,
but really, I just needed
to give myself permission.
But I love you so much, Mom.
Even though I'm upset
With you right now,
I still want you to rub my
tummy and play with my hair.
I love you, too, Gene, more
than you could even know
Not until you have your own kids.
And also, I need a little time
for myself once in a while.
- And that's okay.
- So what do you want me to do?
Just let you do something for yourself,
and I don't get to have you
every minute of every day
- whenever I want?
- Oof. Cling-on alert.
Okay, this does sound like it sounded.
Oh, maybe I should just do th
that thing the group was talking about.
What, take advantage of
the tax incentives offered
to women-owned businesses?
No, earlier tonight when
someone said something
about having to change in order to grow.
Me. That was me.
I mean, it was me. I had to correct you.
I don't like change, but
I want you to be happy,
and I do want to grow.
I mean, not that fast, but
little bits here and there.
And by the time I go to
college or deejay college,
I'll only need to see
you five times a week.
Aw. Come here, sweetie.
You'll always be my
special little Genie Beanie.
- I'm sorry, Mom.
- Look at us.
We're getting mud everywhere.
- Should we go home?
- No, no, finish the meeting.
This time I promise I'll stay quiet.
Thank you, Gene.
Oh, well, that was inspiring.
I got goose bumps. Did anyone else?
I have shingles. Does that count?
All right!
Businesswomen, look at us go
Doing all the business
from our head to our toes
I feel so empowered,
I feel ten out of ten
'Cause I'm talking
lots of business
With these businesswomen
Where should I put my name tag
Should I put it here, no
Should I put it here, no
Should I put it here, no
Should I put it here, no
Should I put it here, no
Should I put it here, no
Should I put it here
No, should I put it here
No, should I put it here
No, should I put it here?