Bob's Burgers s11e11 Episode Script

1
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"To my special valentine,
you are my everything.
I sleep only so I can dream of you."
- Aw, Bob.
- Mm-hmm.
Didn't Gene make me a nice valentine?
It's very romantic for a child?
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, Dad, did you even make Mom
an embarrassingly mushy valentine?
- Like your son did?
- Hey, there's a plan in place.
Yeah. We're writing out the ten things
we love most about each other.
And then we're gonna share
'em over a bottle of wine.
- It's like love homework.
- Oh, that's kind of nice.
And hard? I mean, ten
turns out to be a lot.
That's what God said
about the commandments.
Well, we tried to
finish them last night,
but we were making dinner and
then we were cleaning up dinner
and then we were feeling too gassy,
then we fell asleep in front of the TV
and I didn't wake up until
a moth flew in my mouth.
And I didn't wake up until you screamed.
After all these years,
you two still sizzle.
So we just need to find a
quiet minute and crap 'em out.
Lovingly. How about you, Tina?
You excited about Tammy's
Valentine's Day thingy?
It's an Anti-Valentine's
Day thingy, actually.
- Okay.
- It's a party for kids who are tired
of living up to society's
expectation of romance
just because it's February 14th.
So things with Jimmy Jr. are ?
I don't know. He's at an
overnight wrestling meet
this weekend, and before he
left I said, "So, any ideas
about how to handle
V-Day while you're gone?"
And he was like, "What's V-Day?"
And I was like, "That's
my super cool abbreviation
for Valentine's Day?"
But by then he had his
headphones on and was singing
a Red Hot Chili Peppers
song really loud.
- Guy's a catch.
- So when I heard about
Tammy's party, I was very interested.
Hearts are farts, people,
and Cupid is stupid.
Cupid's just a baby who
likes to watch people kiss.
And I'm not saying any of this
because I don't have a boyfriend.
You so don't have a boyfriend, Tammy.
Shut it. So I'm inviting a group
of single girls and
guys who want to get away
from all the rom-dram for one night.
Sign me up, 'cause that's me.
Ooh, space is actually limited.
Plus, Tina, come on, you're
a total Valentine head.
Nope, nope, not this year I'm not.
Hmm, I'd valentine that.
Oh, uh, sorry. Hearts are farts.
So Tammy invited me.
Or actually she invited
a bunch of your burgers
and said I could come with.
Oh. A bunch sounds like a lot.
Free advertising?
- Thanks?
- You're welcome.
Bob, Bob, what about
how well Linda sings
that jingle on the radio
about the accident lawyers?
She nails it every time.
I really can do this myself, Teddy.
Well, you need ten and
I got a list you can use.
- You have a list?
- Forget it.
Linda, what about Bob's knuckle hair?
Like, sometimes it
catches the light just so?
And it makes you feel safe?
I already got that one.
Ugh, Jimmy's really going overboard
with his Valentine's
shtick again this year.
"Tie-the-Knot Garlic Knots Appetizers,
$20." What a friggin' rip-off.
- I'm not not-knots interested.
- Way to keep an open mind, Gene.
Oh, crap. Here comes Jimmy.
Hey, Bob, I saw you
guys gawking at my place.
If you were hoping to get a
table for tonight, you can forget it.
- I'm booked solid.
- We don't care, Jimmy.
I still got dopes calling
and begging for reservations.
I just hold the phone down to
my butt and fart on 'em, so
Hey, Jimmy, people are still calling.
Should I just keep farting?
Yeah, if you got 'em locked and loaded.
The last two were silent. I
had to tell 'em what I did.
I'd send the overflow to you, Bob,
but I know how scared you are
of actually having customers.
- Zoom.
- Ha. You're standing in your own way.
- Trev, don't
- What? He is.
Eh, let's go back. I
feel a fart coming on.
I don't want to waste it in here.
It wouldn't be a waste, Jimmy!
Good one, Dad.
So why aren't we open late
for Valentine's dinner?
Well, we're not really a datey,
romantic restaurant.
We're just a "shove a
burger in your face" place.
And a "sip on a soda and yak" shack.
Yeah, but tonight the
streets are crawling
with romantic suckers who haven't gotten
their crap together enough to
book a reservation someplace.
- Yeah, so?
- So they'd probably go
anywhere tonight, even here.
This is insulting but kind of inspiring?
I do hate to think of
all those poor lovers
with nowhere to go, sitting at home,
crying into their microwave dinners.
I mean, to do it right we'd
have to dress things up.
Tablecloths, candles.
You could borrow the
Valentine's decorations
I got up in my apartment.
You decorate your apartment
for Valentine's Day?
Some of the rooms. It's
not weird that I do that.
No, it's not weird. It's just sad.
I wonder how many people we
could pack into this dump.
Teddy, do you think you
could pull the booths away
from the wall so we could
squeeze two couples in each?
Sure. I bet whoever put 'em
in didn't even attach 'em
'cause they didn't know you
guys that well back then.
Plus he might have been
going through a divorce
and so he cut some corners
on some jobs sometimes. Uh
Maybe we go a little
fancier with the menu,
like a prix fixe?
I-I haven't ground the meat yet.
Instead of burgers I
could do chuck steaks.
We had a substitute teacher
named Chuck Steaks once.
- Ooh, and wine.
- Right, wine. Uh, do we have enough?
Yeah, we got a few bottles upstairs.
Plus the backup bottles.
Plus the emergency backup bottles.
- Plus the secret emergency
- Sounds like we're good.
The real gold is in table-side services,
which could be provided
by Gene and myself.
Roses, candy, serenades
for tips, et cetera.
Hmm. Don't know about that,
plus who would bus tables?
You know I love getting my bus on, Dad,
- but I'm going to Tammy's party.
- We'd cover it,
and you'd be making so much money,
you wouldn't even notice
how bad we are at busing.
- That's the spirit.
- Are we doing this, people?
Are we making some dumb
desperate love money tonight?
- Yeah, let's do it.
- Yay.
Now, I don't think
the name Bob's Burgers
works with the new concept.
Maybe for the night we're Bob.
- Or Bugers.
- Or Urge.
Urge. It's kind of edgy.
Yay, Urge. Everybody's got 'em.
My therapist says some are good
and some are perfectly normal,
- but I should stop bringing them up.
- Okay, everybody, get to work.
And Gene and I will get
the word about Urge out.
The wordge.
- Urge
- Urge
- Is the wordge
- Wordge
- Urge
- Urge
- Is the wordge
- Oh
They're makin' it swanky
It's money in the bank-y
Urge is the wordge.
Wow. It looks amazing.
I'd fall in love with
a wig on a basketball in here.
Gene, I kind of wish you
weren't dressed like that.
- It's a mood maker.
- Yeah, he's Cupid. Aw.
And your T-shirt makes
a great diaper, Dad.
Hmm. Uh, Teddy, thanks
for all your help.
And, uh, see you tomorrow?
- Whoa. Why?
- Well, tonight we're
- kind of just for couples.
- I mean seven, eight, nine.
There's an odd number of stools,
so I can be the one single.
Plus I can spend some time with someone
I'd like to get to know better. Me.
You've been under your
own nose the whole time.
Oh, crap. Lin, our valentines.
It's okay, we'll do 'em
later tonight, right?
- When we're rich and gorgeous.
- Okay, pep talk.
Mom, Dad, bring it in.
I love you, but
- don't mess this up.
- Okay. That was fair.
All right, now people just have to come.
Mm.
Hmm.
- Okay, let's close.
- We gave it a shot.
Oh, cute.
Hello, hi, come on in.
Oh, my God, we're a fancy,
successful restaurant.
Hey there, chuck steak. "Hiya, Bob."
Whoa, cool deep voice, chuck steak.
"So, you gonna grind me up or what?"
No, because you're gonna be
a steak on a prix fixemenu.
"Prix fixe?" I thought you'd be excited.
Uh, can I call you Chuck?
"Maybe."
So, welcome to Urge. Don't mind
the couple on the other side
of the privacy partition.
You're way hotter than them.
And, no, I did not
say that to them, too.
- You're hotter.
- Happy to be anywhere.
Someone forgot to make a reservation.
Oh, like it's my job?
Am I a professional
restaurant reservationist?
No, I'm a professional doctor.
Don't "I'm a doctor"
me. I'm a doctor, too.
Okay, so we're both doctors. God.
So, What about a drink?
A couple of large wines?
- Sure.
- And for you?
- Folded paper rose for the lady, sir?
- Uh, yeah, I-I'll take one.
Oh, you're only one rose in love?
- No, we're probably at a two?
- Two?
- I-I mean four.
- I could tell.
I'm serenading you with my voice
I just spat a little, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God, I love that
song. It's so tip-worthy.
- In the diaper, please.
- Gene, no.
This is Urge?
- Oh, Hugo. Uh, Bob, Hugo's here.
- Ugh, why?
I thought the address looked
familiar, in a bad way.
Lot of changes, Bob.
- Um, not that many.
- Hello.
Hello. Bob, I see the
look of fear and respect
in your eyes, but relax.
I'm here as a sexy Valentine's diner,
not a sexy health inspector.
So you have a date? Somehow?
Cheryl is meeting me here.
Bob, Linda, I'm in love.
With my mother's description of her.
Aw, that's nice. Uh, why
don't you sit over there?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, this isn't great.
We've got extra tables
and I'm pretty sure
we're violating a bunch of codes.
No, he says he just
wants to have dinner.
He's in love with some poor lady.
All right, just bring him
wine with a lot of wine in it.
So, a first date?
Sounds like a paper
rose situation to me.
I'm gonna keep handing you
roses, you just say when.
- Uh
- First date on Valentine's, huh?
It's kind of what I'm doing.
And it's going pretty
well, if I do say so.
Okay, 15 roses, that'll be $15.
What? No, one rose is plenty.
And 15 songs? Here we go.
Guys, welcome to
my Anti-Valentine's Day party.
Check it out: black balloons,
black tortilla chips,
and black eye shadow on moi.
- And your roots are black.
- Jocelyn.
Let's do this. And everybody that went
to an overnight wrestling
meet without nailing down
Valentine's Day plans can eat it.
- Right?
- What?
- Exactly.
- Now we do our oath.
- Ooh, an oath. Hell yeah.
- Everyone, hands in.
Whoa, lot of palms and fingers.
No one try to hold my hand
in there, you hear?
Hearts are farts and Cupid is stupid.
Tonight we take our chance
on no romance. I so vow.
I so vow.
Did we just marry Satan?
Now we're gonna do whatever
an evenly numbered group
of attractive teens feels like doing.
Just good clean Anti-Valentine's fun.
With Tammy's parents in the next room
- to help keep a lid on things.
- Bye, Tammy-love.
Your mother and I are off
to see different movies
- at the same theater.
- Bye. Leave already.
Okay, there go the chaperones.
Not that we're gonna need
'em. Cool, cool, cool.
It's okay
We're just children
watching you.
If you like it, may
I suggest a gratuity,
and if you don't like
it, I can make him stop.
For a gratuity.
Oh, my God, we're so full.
Hi, I'm Bob, I'm the
chef. H-How is everything?
'Cause if it's not
right, I'll make it right.
- We're good.
- Yeah, you are.
Are you flirting with us?
No, just feeling happy
and-and really confident.
And maybe better-looking
than I was earlier today?
- Oh, you're on cocaine.
- Is that what cocaine does?
Are there any downsides?
So, how's our Valentine's?
- Good. Good.
- Most romantic night of the year.
- But no pressure.
- I'm having a good time.
- We both are.
- Okay. Enjoy.
I don't know what's going
on with these people.
They're so uptight.
It's like they got Cupid
arrows up their butts.
Well, my diaper is
full of Washingtons.
And we have five
couples on the wait list.
- We have a wait list?
- I don't know.
What's it called when a bunch of idiots
give their names and
stand outside in the cold?
We have a wait list.
We could do a second seating.
I'll need to be changed at some point,
but otherwise I'm in.
Okay, I've got plenty of
steaks. What about wine?
We're kind of burning through
it, but I guess we're okay?
- Then we're going later, right?
- Yeah, I mean
we were gonna do our valentines later.
- With wine, if there's any left.
- Crap.
I keep forgetting about
that. In a romantic way?
And think of the lovers out there, Mom.
Their poor money getting all cold.
It's fine. We'll get to
our valentines eventually.
- This is worth it, right?
- Right.
- And our valentines are gonna be so good.
- So good.
Guys, Hugo's still sitting by himself,
but unlike me, he's not
carrying it off super well.
Hmm.
So, Hugo, we're still
waiting for your date?
I don't understand
it. My mother told her
that punctuality is my biggest turn-on.
Then she's definitely on her way.
I'll keep texting.
Bob, not to be ticky-tacky,
but I've noticed that
you're slightly over capacity,
light levels are below OSHA standards,
and you have candles
without an open-flame permit.
Uh, yeah, but those are kind
of small things that are fine.
- There's a boy in a diaper.
- True.
At least I'm wearing the diaper.
On some Cupids the diaper wears them.
I'd hate to have to call my good friends
at the fire department,
but if I have nothing else
to do on Valentine's Day
Easy, Hugo, you're date's
gonna be here any second.
Yeah, traffic.
Please, please come, Hugo's date.
I mean, you'll regret
it, but please come.
- What was that, Bob?
- Nothing.
I hate you.
So I finally got my head unstuck,
and that was my worst Valentine's Day.
Anyway, someone else?
Or not. You know, how about some music?
I'm just gonna pick
a playlist at random.
Not that one, not that one.
Ooh, "Ultimate Snog Jams."
Don't even know what that is.
Huh, well, sure feels
good not to be looking
for some lips to land on
just 'cause of what day it is.
- Is it really bright in here?
- Not really.
Yeah, I'm gonna lower the lights.
Okay, hey, Tammy, a word?
I hope I'm wrong, but
I think some romance is
creeping into this party.
I don't know what
you're talking about, Tina.
Just remember our oath and
watch each other's backs.
Anti-Val pals. Wow, that's a lot
of lip balm you're putting on.
Oh, is it?
Still no reply. And
that was my last text
under my limited texting plan.
She's really not gonna show up, is she?
I mean, he did send a selfie of him
pointing at his watch.
Ah, she's not coming.
I'm alone on Valentine's Day
surrounded by happy couples.
Most of 'em aren't that happy.
And they're not all couples.
Some of us are single and sensational.
I think the only possible
way I'm gonna feel better
is to have the fire
department shut you down.
- Come on, Hugo.
- Wait, let me rethink this.
- Yeah?
- Nope, still makes me feel better.
- What do we do?
- Gene, how quick can you get in a dress?
You know my record is 3.5 seconds.
We got to stall him somehow.
Does anyone know the number
for the head of fire code enforcement?
Oh, that's right, I do.
Uh, Hugo, your date's
here. She's been here.
She's in the employee bathroom.
Yeah. She saw you on your way in.
She thinks you're handsome,
but she's so nervous
that she's had a bathroom emergency.
And she's gorgeous. She
has, like, a hundred teeth.
And we didn't tell you
this before because
Because she didn't want
us to. She's embarrassed.
But why are you being so loyal to her?
We're your best friends.
- Yep, best friends.
- So, in a way,
your date's going really well.
Great, I'll call Mother and update her.
The old "your date's in
the stall" stall. Love it.
So, my date's in the employee bathroom.
I knew there was a simple,
really good explanation.
I don't know about really good.
Bup-bup-bup. Yeah,
just an upset stomach.
Happens all the time on Valentine's.
They call it Cupid's revenge.
- That's offensive.
- Poor thing.
I can't believe Hugo's buying this.
I can, he's like everyone else in here.
He's desperate for a
perfect Valentine's.
It's flattering in a way.
- I gave a girl diarrhea.
- You charmer.
Got to stay cool.
I'm steering clear of
romance this Valentine's.
Oh, probably should
have taken off my glasses
before splashing myself.
Mmm
Tammy, no! Take a
breath. Take a step back.
Whew, that was a close
one. Anti-Val pals.
Hearts are farts?
Hearts aren't farts, Tina.
Hearts were never farts.
- What are you saying?
- I'm saying trying not to be romantic
is really romantic. This is a party now.
You mean
anti-Anti-Valentine's?
Now, we're gonna go in the
closet for six minutes and kiss.
Jocelyn, are you hearing this?
- Jocelyn!
- What?
She's in the can,
but she loves her man.
- Wonderful. Wonderful.
- It really is.
So, by yourself tonight, sailor?
- Not by myself. With myself.
- Good for you.
So glad I'm not that sad, lonely person.
So this is Urge, huh? More like Purge.
Ha. Rhymes.
Get lost, Jimmy, we're busy.
Yeah, I really don't have
time to be insulted right now
because of all the customers we have.
Yeah, you got 'em
packed in like sardines.
They look a little drunk and bloated.
You know what, not bad.
Guess I rubbed off on you a little bit.
- I'm proud of you, Bob.
- What?
- Happy Valentine's Day, pal.
- Really proud.
He's proud of you.
What's that feel like?
I don't want you to
- be proud of me, Jimmy.
- Too late.
- I don't accept it.
- You love it.
Where is everybody?
I don't know. Are
they all in the closet?
Ugh! Damn Valentine's Day!
Look at me, whatever your name is.
Austin. I know Tammy from camp.
I'm Tina. Austin, we have a problem.
But listen, just because
we're the only ones not kissing
doesn't mean we're gonna kiss,
even though it's really in the air.
- So what do we do?
- Drown out this music somehow.
Uh, I know, we'll sing
the-the most unromantic
song we can think of.
- Do you know any songs about barf?
- I mean, no.
I'll just make one up.
Barf, barf, barf
Funky, chunky barf
- Funky, chunky barf
- It's in my hair
And everywhere, and I don't care.
Aah! Run, Austin, run!
We got to get out of here. Aah!
- How many closets does this place have?
- I know. So much storage.
Okay, we seated four new tables.
- Whew, I'm kind of beat.
- Me, too.
Teddy, you, uh, you saw
your check there, right?
Oh, right, let me, uh Aah!
Yeah, it's a little higher tonight.
It's fine. What else am
I gonna blow my money on?
Rent? Heart medicine?
So, as long as we can
keep stalling Hugo,
I guess we keep going.
And it's fine that we're
lying and he's gonna
- find out at some point, right?
- Sure.
And it's fine that Jimmy
Pesto is proud of me.
And, hey, if there's no
wine left for our valentines,
or if we don't get to 'em at all,
there's always next year, right?
The important thing is,
we were gonna do 'em.
- Right.
- Right. Because this was worth it.
So worth it.
Hell yeah, it was worth it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy, what's
with all the standing up stuff?
It's been a while. I
just want to make sure
Cheryl's doing okay.
No, no, no, no, girls hate it
when you make sure they're doing okay.
- He's on the move.
- Hugo, wait, wait.
- No, no, no, no. Hugo.
- Trip him. Stab him.
Cheryl, it's Hugo. Are you all right?
She's shy. Give her some room.
You're right, you're right.
Clingy me. I'll go back.
Someone's in the other bathroom
and I can't make it upstairs
so I need to get in there now.
But my date is in there.
And you are wearing a
diaper, Gene, so why don't you
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Wha
Oh, my God, she flushed
herself down the toilet!
I say we wait till Gene
leaves, then check all the nooks
and crannies in there. Who's with me?
She was never here, was she?
- She was in our hearts?
- Yeah, she was.
- Bob, Linda
- You're actually okay
and you're just gonna go
home and take a nice bath?
Shut it down.
- No!
- That's another way to go.
I'm so sorry. The astronauts
were in the capsule,
and there was no way
to stop the countdown.
- I think we should stop now.
- Phew.
- It's over, Austin from camp.
- We made it out.
Without making out. Should
we hug? Probably not.
Right? Right. But, hey,
let's remember the time
we kicked Valentine's Day
in its heart-shaped butt.
Okay. See you.
Oh, a text on the emergency phone.
"Hi, Tina. Happy Valentine's Day."
Heart emoji.
Aw.
Uh, hope you have the emergency phone
instead of your dad, like that one time.
Damn, I love Valentine's Day.
Did you just say you
love Valentine's Day?
Nope. See you. Texting back.
Heart emoji, kiss emoji, wink emoji.
Whoops, not vomit emoji.
Uh, announcement.
Urge is closing a little
early tonight, like now.
What?
Sorry, people who just got here.
Excuse me, I need to
blow out that candle.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
What's going on?
We came so close to
success, I smelled it.
It smelled weird. Good weird.
To be honest, we were
kind of winging it tonight.
We're really a burger place.
It-It's not fancy, but it's fine.
- My son is usually dressed.
- Am I, though?
You know, it's a pretty good deal, too.
This version's kind of a rip-off.
Not a rip-off. I mean,
we did charge a lot more,
but we-we threw in candles and stuff.
Yeah, but listen, people,
maybe all that junk
just adds to the
pressure that everything's
got to be perfect on this one night.
Valentine's can just be
with the one you love,
and it doesn't matter where.
This is probably more than
we need to hear right now.
It's true. Our Valentine's
was just gonna be
us writing down the ten things
we love about each other.
Like I love that Linda
sacrificed her night for this.
Not as much for the money,
but so you guys would
have somewhere to go.
I mean, money's good, and
I love that Bob's a dreamer
who just wanted a fancy
restaurant for one night.
- And I love
- Oh, my God, are you
- really doing ten of these?
- No, ten's crazy.
I don't know what we were thinking.
- Maybe a couple more?
- I love that Linda says "vroom vroom"
when she turns on the coffee maker.
Oh, I had that one on my list.
I love that Bob's mustache
flutters when he sneezes.
I guess Mom and Dad are
doing their valentines.
Out loud and in front of strangers.
Those romantic sons of
bitches. Play something nice.
- Baby-making music?
- You know it.
Hugo?
You look exactly like
your mother described you.
Cheryl? You're here. What happened?
Sorry I'm so late. I
went to the wrong Urge.
- Really?
- Yeah. There's one in Bog Harbor.
It's more of a sex toy shop
with a theater in the back.
Oh. Did you see all my texts?
Well, you turn off your phone
when you're in the theater.
- I'm kidding. My battery died.
- You're delightful.
Bob, re-Urge the place, pronto.
Yeah, we're back in business, baby.
Honestly, I kind of just want
to be our old restaurant again.
Tell you what, h-how about a burger?
I'd love a burger.
They're delicious. And afterwards,
you still got a little money left.
You can buy heart medicine and not die.
I'd have a burger. Do you want a burger?
I could go for a burger, yeah.
Valentine's burgers,
all right. Anyone else?
- Bob, can you leave a candle on one table?
- Sure.
We're doing this again next year, right?
- Eh
- Eh we'll see.
Or you know what's coming up?
Presidents' Day. Some paper flags.
This guy as a little Lincoln.
Same outfit, just add hat and beard.
- I'd eat there.
- Oh, I got to grind some meat.
"What's happening?"
We're doing burgers, Chuck.
"Wait, what?" Oh, sorry, I
"Just kidding, I'm into it.
Grind me, Bob. Do it!"
It's okay, we're just
children watching you
It's okay, we're just
children watching you
Just pretend that we're not here
As you grope each other's rears
Just pretend you're not with us
Do your hanky-panky business
- It's okay
- It's okay
- We're just children watching you
- La, la, la
- It's okay
- It's okay
We're just children
watching you.