Bob's Burgers s11e17 Episode Script

1
Hey, bud, careful.
The janitor just waxed.
Remember, if the floor is shiny,
you can fall on your heinie.
- Thanks, Tina.
- Yeah, that's me,
Tina Belcher, ordinary eighth grader.
That's probably what
makes me good at my job.
I walk the beat as a hall
monitor here at Wagstaff,
but I was about to discover
that sometimes you walk the beat,
and sometimes the beat walks you.
No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No.
I bet you're wondering who she is,
and how a girl like me got
mixed up with a dame like that.
Her name is Holly Monitors,
and she was supposed
to be my little secret.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let me tell you how this all began.
It was just like any other day.
Like I said, I'm a hall monitor,
but it's not the halls
that need monitoring,
it's the people in them.
Someone's always chewing gum.
Oh, man, there's still some
flavor in there. Come on.
I may seem like a
party pooper, but it's better
if I'm pooping at their
party than a teacher.
Teachers give out detention,
I give out attention.
A new piece, for the end of the day.
- Ooh, cinnamon. Fancy.
- Now scram.
And sometimes it's hard to
be on the good side of the law
with the two scamps in my family.
They were always up to something.
But I lived with them,
so I had to live with myself.
Still, something was
different that week.
I had a feeling I hadn't felt
since the fidget spinner craze.
Or that other craze
where everyone was eating
those spicy dusty chips and throwing up.
Hey, hey, no running.
Stop running, slow down.
Huh.
Whatever it was,
I was sure it would go
as quickly as it came. Besides,
I had other things to focus on.
Big things.
Like the big banner the hall monitors
were working on for the open house.
Sure, being a hall
monitor is not as exciting
as the drama club or dance club
- or jazz choir
- Do-bee, do-bee, do-wah.
but it's my life.
This open house would be
the hall monitors' biggest day yet,
working security as parents
and the superintendent
- came to experience a
- Full day of Wag.
Not some phony two-hour evening event.
I'm talking about a full day,
living and breathing the real deal.
You will be helping to
welcome all of the parents
and the superintendent to the upcoming
"Walk on into Wagstaff" open house.
From the opening assembly
He needed it to go perfectly,
because if it did, the superintendent
would pay for Frond to go to
Counsel Your Butt Off, a
weekend seminar in Sarasota
for life changers and
emotion re-arrangers.
So, this week, I'm counting on you
to stop the hooligans
before they hool again.
Now get out there and monitor.
Tina, can I, uh, talk
to you for a moment?
- Sure, what's up?
- Uh, not here. My office.
There's a favor I need to ask you, Tina.
You're my most experienced hall monitor.
You're good at what you
do. You have a light touch.
- The kids seem to like you.
- Thank you.
- I mean, in their way.
- Oh.
The thing is, I have a feeling
that there's something going on.
Kids are distracted,
whispery. Test scores are down.
Art supplies are missing.
Kids are hanging out
in new groups: The populars
mixing with the regulars.
Whatever it is, I need it to stop.
I need to add it to the no-no list.
The open house is in three days.
I need the superintendent
to think this place runs
like a well-oiled baby.
I'm not sure if I'm using
that phrase correctly.
- Sounds good to me, boss.
- But how can I stop
whatever's going on if
I don't know what it is?
That's where you come in.
I told him I could
find out what was happening.
Of course I could. But
I was about to discover
no matter which way you turn,
fate can stick out a foot and trip you.
Or sometimes your own shoelace
- can stick out a foot and trip you.
- I'm okay.
When you're working a
case, you have to be subtle.
So, Gene and Louise,
anything new going on at
school? Distracting you?
Nope. Just learning a lot, as usual.
- Ooh. What'd you learn?
- Science. Also, math.
And that thing with the letters.
- Uh, spelling?
- No, thank you.
Either they really didn't
know or they didn't want me to know.
Either way, it was a dead end.
I was gonna have to put
in some shoe leather.
Fruit Roll-Up, huh? Nice.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
Ooh, my old barrette.
Damn it. Damn it. Damn it!
I took a little break for a sloppy joe,
and stumbled sideways
into a mess of my own.
A popular and a regular?
Where are you two going?
Gene. What the hand?
From the moment I saw
her, I knew I was in trouble.
Sure, I knew she was
technically my brother's hand,
but when she walked down those
stairs, everything changed.
She had a certain something.
You might call it style,
you might call it chutzpah,
you might call it fingers,
but whatever you called it,
sister, it was calling me.
Mm. Mm. Ah. Ah. Ah.
Give it up for Mavis Middlefinger!
- Encore.
- Okay, okay, okay, you want more?
You know what to do.
Nickels, candy, gum that bubbles?
Whatever you're
thinking, make it double.
All right, all right, we'll
see Mavis again, but first,
coming to the stage,
Regular Sized Randolph.
- Hey, Louise.
- Oh. Hey, Tina.
What, uh, what are you, uh, doing here?
Just checking out the scene.
Oh, uh, no offense, but we kind of have
a "no hall monitor" rule around here.
Oh, uh, o-okay, uh, I'm not
a hall monitor right now.
Just Tina. Belcher.
Your sister. And friend.
Okay, are you sure?
Because you are making
a weird lying face.
Oh, no. I-I just did a gross burp
and I'm trying to hold in the smell.
Oh. Okay, well, you can stay
as long as you keep your
lips zipped, potato chip.
Looks like I'm on.
Regular Sized Randolph, everyone.
If you like Randy, give him some candy.
Wow. Bunch of loose Nerds and a quarter?
Oh, wait, no, it's a corn chip.
Bring back Mavis!
- Mavis.
- Yeah, Mavis.
Okay, okay, cool down.
We've still got nine
minutes of lunch period left.
But for now, how about
a hand for these hands?
It's Tom Shoes and his
gorgeous ex-wife Skatie Holmes.
Everybody, look at my hands.
I guess you could say it. I was wrapped
around those fingers.
Hey, guys. Hey, Gene.
Great finger dancing today.
- Tina, keep it down.
- Oh, sorry. Uh
Great finger dancing today.
We call it handy prancing, but thanks.
- So it's a secret?
- Of course it is, T.
Because it's amazing, and "distracting."
Yeah, the first time
I did it was at lunch
when you were at a hall monitor meeting.
I'd seen it on the Internet.
And like everything I've
seen on the Internet,
I tried it right away.
He painted on
a pair of mustard shorts
and slipped on some tater tot shoes.
Ms. Labonz yelled at him to cut it out,
but, oh, it took off from there.
Soon, the scene got so big
we had to take it underground
so we wouldn't wind up
on Frond's no-no list.
Gene's the best at it,
and it's making me
I mean, us Three,
four dollars a day easy,
- plus candy and gum.
- Cool.
- Mind if I come back tomorrow?
- Sure. I mean,
you're not gonna go rat
us out to Frond, are you?
What? No way. I'll
keep it Frond-fidential.
Confidential. Ha, ha.
Great. Um, see you then.
And also for the rest
of the walk home now,
and later tonight and tomorrow morning.
Ah, you doing one of
those gross burps again?
Yep, yep, yep.
Sure, I wasn't telling
them the whole truth,
but I wasn't gonna tell
Frond the whole truth, either.
Maybe there was another way out.
It was a complicated sandwich,
and I was the salami in the middle.
Ooh! Tina. Easy with the broom.
Oh, sorry, I was just thinking, I guess.
Inside, I was a deck of 52
cards scattered on the floor,
but from the outside I had
to look like a straight flush.
Tina, you're sweeping me off my feet.
- Literally.
- Ugh. Dumb broom.
Guys, I've got a huge problem.
Okay. Is this like when you
couldn't get your underwear off?
Because I'm not helping you again.
You-you need to buy bigger underwear.
- No, this is worse. You know Kathleen?
- Yeah.
Well, she invited me to the
movies in a couple of days.
Aw, that's great, Teddy.
Yeah, but here's the
problem: she could only
get tickets at 5:30,
which is dinnertime.
So I told her I could
pick up a couple of burgers
from you guys, but the
last time I tried to sneak
a burger into the movies,
it didn't go so well.
Sir, you aren't allowed to bring
outside food into the theater.
Sorry! Sorry!
- Oh, no.
- Wait, is that why you have
a cardboard cutout of
Vin Diesel in your house?
No, that was a gift. Ugh,
I don't know what to do about this food.
I told Kathleen I would bring burgers.
This could make or break us.
Well, well, maybe we can
help you sneak them in.
I can make you a little sneaky snacky.
Oh, thank you, Linda. Thank you.
You can't just waltz in
there with a bag in your hand.
That's lesson one. You got to be
like The James Bourne Identity.
You got to hide it.
Give me a day, Teddy.
- I'll come up with something.
- Oh, thank God.
I was really panicking there.
Better have a burger and fries
and another burger to calm down.
- Yep.
- Life just kept moving around me,
and I kept moving around life.
Like walking and stuff, but
also sitting sometimes, too.
So I guess moving and also not moving.
Depending on what I was doing.
Meanwhile, I couldn't
stop thinking about her.
She was so free, so wild.
I wondered what it felt like to
walk a mile in her tiny shoes.
It'd probably take a while,
because her feet are so small,
but boy, oh, boy, I had a
feeling it would be worth it.
- Ow. Tina.
- Sorry.
So, have you found out what's up?
On a scale of friendship
bracelets to teen pregnancy,
- how bad is it?
- No info yet.
But, you know, I've got some hunches,
and I'm eating some lunches.
Okay.
I thought I had it under control.
But it turned out, what I
couldn't control was myself.
All of my life,
I've held it all in
Wondering what I could've been
If all of those things
I'm trying to hide
Jumped out of my
skin, to the outside?
Just give me a hand,
I'm tired of hiding
Give me a hand,
look at me striding
I'm free as the breeze-y,
a little bit sleazy
My God, it's not easy,
feeling so free-y.
- Tina.
- Nothing.
- You were handy prancing.
- W-Was I?
You, uh, want to get
up on stage tomorrow?
Oh, no, I don't think so.
This was just a-an accident.
Sure. Your hand just accidentally fell
into some of your old
Equestranaut clothes.
Yeah. You'd be, uh,
surprised how often that happens.
Okay, well, Mom says come to dinner.
Great, let's all get out
of my room quickly, then.
We'd better hurry.
Looks like she's going
for my spaghetti Mom, trip her!
What did it mean?
I was supposed to be busting
those freewheeling fingers.
But I wanted to be one?
I was all mixed up like some kind of
mixed-up thing.
Okay, you must be wondering about these.
They're my old armpit hairnets
from when I had to wear armpit hairnets
in the restaurant.
I thought we bronzed those.
They're for Teddy
For his movie burgers.
Linda, isn't that kind of gross?
I mean, would you want to eat a burger
that's been in somebody's armpit?
Armpits are the cleanest
part of the body.
No, I-I, I really don't
think that's true.
Uh, besides, won't the burgers
get all soggy and mushy in there?
I've eaten plenty of food
that's been in Mom's armpit.
That's how she warms stuff up on the go.
Bagels, baked potatoes, empanadas, soup.
Yeah, I made s'mores in there one time.
And what's your great
idea, Mr. Smarty-sneaks?
Um, anything would be better
than food from your armpit.
What about crotch, butt crack?
Folded under one's boobs?
Ooh, good idea.
Tina, you're quiet.
Uh, everything okay?
Oh, sorry, um delicious.
- What?
- Dinner's delicious?
Is that what we're talking about?
Thank you, Tina.
I'm not telling you how I heated it up
because apparently someone's
- worried about that.
- Mmm.
I had it bad.
And that wasn't good.
Unless it was?
Are you sure she's working for Frond?
I mean, something's going on.
That was her lying face,
not her burping face.
But one thing's for sure,
she's in over her head.
And if we keep her in,
she won't rat us out.
Could I hear them? Yes.
They were very loud whisperers.
So they were on to me,
and I was on to them being on to me.
And luckily, Frond
didn't suspect a thing.
I suspect something.
I suspect you're not
very good at your job,
because you haven't found squat.
Back off, Frond! I'm working on it!
Go counsel something.
Was I lying to him or lying to myself?
Was I in too deep or not deep enough?
Was I ready to change
or had I already changed?
Who was I becoming and
was it becoming on me?
Was I asking too many
questions or not enough?
Or just the right amount? All
I wanted to do was the thing
I was supposed to stop.
It was like my hand
had a mind of its own.
And now, for the first time ever,
give it up for for
Uh, what-what was your name?
Holly Monitors. Because
I'm a hall monitor.
No, no, I get it, I get it.
Give it up for Holly Monitors!
I'm okay!
It was a rush. The crowd was electric.
The feeling it was
I had never felt
anything like it before.
Absolute freedom.
Holly knew what she
wanted and she went for it.
So whose side was I on?
Well, I was more turned around
than that time Aunt Gayle
got caught in her curtains.
But as long as I could keep struttin',
that's all that mattered to me.
So, I did what Holly wanted.
And Holls, she wanted it alls.
I was living two lives.
Busting kids in my vest.
And busting moves in my dress.
But it was getting harder and harder
to keep it up.
I was usually the one on the sidelines,
watching the show.
So good.
But this time, I was in the show.
And, honey, the show was in business.
You know, show business?
But nothing this complicated
can go on for long
without someone getting hurt.
Hi, kids. How was school?
Great. Everything is totally fine.
And I'm not hiding anything from anyone.
Okay
I didn't want to worry
Mom. She was a good girl.
She didn't need to get
mixed up in all this.
- Psst. Tina?
- Yeah? What?
You were great today.
Yeah, your hand only fell over twice.
- And you only fell over three times.
- Thanks.
So, Teddy, do you want
to use my pit holders
to get the burgers
into the movies or what?
- It's perfect, right?
- Um
Don't worry, Teddy.
You don't need to answer that.
I figured out a better way
for you to get the burgers in.
- You did?
- Yep. All you need is
eight plastic bags and a vest.
You see? Each part of the burger
is contained in its own bag.
Wow. That is elaborate, Bob.
Okay, and so you just take each part out
and build the burger fresh.
No soggy buns. Now I just sit down,
wait for the movie to begin,
and make myself the
perfect burger to eat.
Oh, shoot. Hang on.
- Bob, your tomato fell out.
- I can see that, Teddy.
Still seems like a perfect
plan though, Bobby.
It'll work. Okay, now
I just take out each bag
in order, starting
with the bottom bun
- That's lettuce.
- Thank you, Teddy.
Uh, hang on. Let me just fix this.
You know what, maybe we'll
just get popcorn, right?
We'll get an extra large
and we'll just split it.
What? No! Take my pit holders, Teddy.
No, no, take mine. I-I fixed it, look.
- Oh, crap.
- I'm just gonna put the holders on you.
- So you have 'em if you want.
- No, that's okay.
Lin, I don't want the pit things.
- He wants this!
- No. Uh
Wait, w-where are you going?
- Teddy, take 'em!
- Uh, I I
- You're gonna love 'em, Teddy, come on!
- Take it, Teddy!
- Teddy, come on!
- Teddy, take this.
Ah, you know I can't handle when
two people talk to me!
Huh.
I can't believe he didn't
like either of those ideas.
- I know.
- His loss.
Anyway, life was good. Too good.
It's like I always say, when
you're on top of the world,
the only place left to go is down.
Okay, I didn't always say
that, but I'm saying it now.
And I plan on saying it again
because it's fun to say.
Tina. My office, now.
I need something, Tina.
The open house is so close,
and kids are still acting weird.
I need more time! Give me a few weeks!
- The open house is in two days.
- Okay, I didn't know that.
What? You made the banner
that says the date on it.
Wait a minute. Who are you protecting?
Who got to you? Was it Lenny DeStefano?
He got an eighth-grade
girl to keep his rabbit
in her lunchbox for three weeks.
I know he's very powerful.
I'm not protecting anyone!
I just haven't found anything yet!
Tina, I didn't want
it to come to this, but
I may have to take your vest.
- What? No!
- I can tell you're lying.
Your-your face looks
absolutely bananas.
Uh
What choice did I have?
I had to tell him something.
There you have her, folks!
Fing-lise Belcher.
This is very weird,
Millie. I don't like it.
Because you love it?
Can we hold hands now?
Louise! Louise, there's
something you need to know!
Hey, what is it, T?
- You lookin' for stage time?
- No, I
What in the world?!
Tina! You didn't!
No! I actually didn't. I mean,
I came here to tell you
that he wanted me to,
but I didn't tell him anything!
Yeah, right.
I knew I shouldn't have trusted a vest.
I am a vest, but I'm also your sister.
Not anymore you're not.
All right, everyone.
Pack up your adorable little accessories
and get out of here! They're banned!
This is all banned,
effective immediately!
Here's a finger, now get out of here.
- That's your thumb.
- The thumb is a finger.
- No. This is a finger.
- Millie!
And just like that, it was all gone.
The fun, the friendships, the fingers.
I had flown too close to the sun.
In this case, my mom's son, uh,
and also her daughter,
who happened to be
my brother and sister.
And they didn't want
anything to do with me.
Louise switched seats
at dinner so our elbows wouldn't bump.
Sure, Gene still invited me
to serve him bubble
bath chicken nuggets,
but we didn't have our usual
bubble bath chicken nugget
banter it was all business.
I was back on the right side of the law.
So why did it feel so wrong?
Frond banned handy prancing for good.
The case was closed.
And the school was about
to be open housed.
Open housed.
Okay, Tina, let's test out the video.
No! Don't turn the camera on.
Play the video called
"Wagstaff Faces and Places."
Sorry.
I didn't sleep a wink that night.
Normally, I have restless leg syndrome.
But that night, I had
restless finger syndrome.
And that's when I had the idea.
And now
Phillip Frond Productions
proudly presents:
Walk on into Wagstaff,
a full-day immersive experience
that will have you saying, "Holy cow!"
And, Tina, go.
Okay.
No. No. No, no, no, no, no! No! No!
Oh, look, a little dancing hand.
I love it.
This is a fun assembly.
I thought it was gonna
be boring school stuff.
This feels like a good
time for a burger,
doesn't it? A not-mushy burger.
Hmm, those buns look pretty smooshed.
Unlike this bun oh, no,
wait, that's a tomato. Hang on.
Tina! Tina, stop!
I'd made some phone
calls the night before.
Told some finger friends
to wear their Sunday best,
even though it was a Friday.
And since Gene and Louise
were always surprising me,
I thought I'd surprise them for once.
Tina, you son of a bitch.
Hey, go on up there, Gene.
Give us a Mavis moment.
Nah, this is Holly Monitors' show.
I'm just gonna use these to do this.
So, what, is she suspended or something?
I thought it was cute.
Well, lucky for Tina, so
did the superintendent.
She said it was the first creative thing
she's ever seen me do,
so I took credit for it.
Oh. So, I'm not in trouble?
No, but if I ever see
those fingers again
I'm sorry, did you just take
french fries out of your armpit?
Yeah! You want some?
- They're great.
- I have some, too.
Uh, kind of near my
butt. A baggie slid down.
I think we're done here.
I sure was gonna miss Holly Monitors.
But then, I guess, a little
part of me will always be
Holly Monitors the hand part.
Mavis. How'd you know where to find me?
I asked around.
Can we come in?
So it was you who told Mr. Frond?
But why? You were on top of the world.
Sure, it started that way. At first,
- I loved the attention.
- Mavis! Mavis! Mavis!
But what began as an occasional gig
turned into an every lunchtime thing.
I was missing so many gorditas,
so many ham sandwiches.
But Louise didn't want me to
stop. She was getting rich.
I was having a good time, but
it was wearing a little thin.
Thinner than the
elastic on my favorite finger tube top.
Mr. Frond put the screws
to me and I let it all out.
I told him everything! Everything!
You didn't have to tell him, Gene.
I threw him off the scent
with a really good lie
that everyone was just doing
a lot of studying these days.
Frankly, it was a relief.
The spotlight isn't always
what it's cracked up to be, kid.
I love being Mavis, but
sometimes you just want to
use your fingers for
lickin' and pickin'.
And occasionally flickin'.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away.
And I'm sorry I didn't tell Louise.
You loved handy prancing and she loved
- all that candy and money.
- That's okay.
Well, would you ever want to
- tread the boards at home with me?
- Honey,
all you had to do was ask.
Hey, it's time to
do the handy prance
Yeah, it's time to
let your digits dance
It doesn't matter if
your moves are fancy
Get to the boiler room
and take a chance-y
Put some clothing
on your fingers
Come and join the swingers
With Gene
Let's see those fingers kicking
Dance, dance, dance,
dance, dance, dance
- Don't be a chicken
- Dance, dance
- Do the handy prance
- Don't sit there lickin'
- Dance, dance, dance, dance
- Or pickin'
- Or lickin' or pickin'
- Dance, dance
- Or sometimes flickin'
- Dance, dance
Your brother's hand is cool
You can't resist her, dress
in your horse's clothes
And join him, sister.