Bob's Burgers s12e03 Episode Script

1
- Oh, my God.
- So, we smashed
- all the pumpkins
- Yep.
- In the pumpkin contest.
- Yep.
And Principal Rosenthal
is supposed to announce
the winner tomorrow.
We have to promise each other
to never speak of this again.
We'll never speak of this again.
Wait, what was that?
I don't know. Let's get out of here.
Ugh, Gayle, what was
that on your finger?
- It smells terrible.
- How do you know it isn't your finger?
Oh, yeah. It's me.
Goblins, ghouls and ghosts
And bears, why'd I say bears?
I don't know, they're scary
It's Halloween. Aah!
Oh, Mike. Ooh, are you dressed
as a mailman for Halloween?
Just kidding. Ha!
That's very funny. Here's your mail.
- And here's some candy.
- I think those are cough drops.
Nah, they taste like cough drops,
but they're technically candy.
They're very good, Mike. Try one.
I think I'll just wait until
I can eat real candy. Bye.
- Hey, kids.
- Hi, Mr. Mailman.
- I mean, Mr. Mike.
- Costume parade.
Wow. You kids look great.
I'm a Grad-iator, a gladiator
who just got his master's.
Ooh, smart and historical.
Tina, let me guess. You're a
- dinosaur.
- Nice try.
I'm the Sherlock-ness Monster.
I'm a mystery who solves mysteries.
Oh, I love it. Louise,
uh, what about you?
- I'm Peter Pan's Labyrinth.
- That's terrifying.
- What? This?
- Linda, make her stop.
Louise, stop scaring your father.
- No.
- Hey, you kids put your costumes on
a little early this year, didn't you?
You're gonna help out down here
before you go trick-or-treating, right?
We put 'em on early so
they can stretch out.
Each of us is gonna
go up a size tonight.
All right, well, start wiping menus
and keep an eye out for any little kids
that are trick-or-treating early.
Ugh. Not looking forward to seeing
the sad looks in their little eyes
when I give them Dad's
quote, unquote "candy."
That candy is sophisticated,
and some people just don't get it.
It tastes like old leaves.
Yeah. That's what they were going for.
Oh, quick thing. Your Aunt Gayle
is gonna be here any minute.
Do not say how good my hair looks.
Even though I just had it
done and it looks amazing.
Let's just tamp down
the compliments, okay?
That's gonna be hard, Mom. You look
Why are we tamping again?
It's just, Gayle's doing so well lately
and I don't want to
mess with that, you know?
Did you know she's
working with a life coach?
Is that someone who coaches her
to be better at that board game?
- I don't think so.
- Wait,
we're not paying for
this life coach, are we?
I think the first two sessions are free.
So she just has to fix
her life in two sessions.
I don't think Aunt Gayle
is a two-session lady.
Shush, shush, shush, here she comes.
- Hey, Gayle.
- Hi, kids.
Linda, I need to speak
with you in private.
My world is crumbling around me!
Yeah, I think she's in a good place.
Bob, we need the kitchen.
- Little sister talk.
- Okay.
Uh, I was just wiping stuff,
but I can go wipe other stuff.
So, what is going on, Gayle?
I got a strange letter
in the mail today. Look.
"Pumpkin smasher!"
Yeah, Linda.
Because of what we did
27 years ago.
But it's crazy. I mean,
maybe it's just a flyer
for a Smashing Pumpkins concert.
I already considered that.
But I looked it up and
they're in Italy this week
playing the pope's birthday.
Okay, maybe you're right.
Maybe this is about that day.
But who would send this?
I don't know. What do
we do? What do we do?
Let me get you some lunch.
I think you're just hoopy.
That's my expression for
hungry and loopy. Hoopy.
Bob, Gayle needs a burger. She's hoopy.
So go back in the kitchen.
We didn't try to listen
through the pass-through at all.
But if we had, we would've
had trouble hearing.
Could you talk louder next time?
All right, sit here. Relax. Breathe.
Not like that.
No. Linda, your mail.
Look! That's the same envelope I got.
Wait, what? That's weird.
Is it a letter from Hugh Jackman?
Uh, yeah. It's just, uh
-It's just Hugh Jackman. That's right.
-Nice.
Uh, Gayle. Uh, kitchen.
Bob, sorry. We need the room. Again.
Uh, okay. Uh, flip this in a minute.
Yeah. Yeah, I got it. Yeah.
Sounds like you're not
gonna do it. It's fine.
"Pumpkin smasher!"
Who the hell is sending these?
That's what I was saying.
I know. Gayle, let me think.
Talk louder.
- Kids, shoo!
- Ugh, fine.
Bob, hold the kids down.
- Did you flip the burger?
- Yep.
Yep, so much.
Okay, something's going on.
Someone's messing with us.
- We need to go back home.
- What? Why?
Because we need to find
out who's messing with us.
I say we ignore 'em. Throw 'em away.
Take that, letter.
My life coach, Dane Kang,
says you have to confront your past.
So you can either hide
your head in your butt
or you can come with me
and we face this together.
Also, my license is suspended
'cause I let my cat drive.
Little bit. So I need a ride.
Uh, all right. Uh, let me talk to Bob.
Bob, do you remember that
terrible secret I told you about
that Gayle and I did in high school?
When you pooped in the convertible?
No, different secret. Worse.
- The pumpkin contest thing?
- Yeah.
Yeah. I-I think the convertible
thing was worse, but
- Look at this.
- Whoa. That's weird.
Gayle got one, too. She
wants to go back home
and figure out who sent 'em, and I think
- I have to go with her.
- No, you don't.
I'll be back before the
kids leave to trick-or-treat.
Oh, God. I thought it would be fun
to be in one of these secret meetings,
- but it's not.
- Now kiss me
- like it's the last time you'll see me.
- Wait, what?
No, nothing. Just kiss me regular.
- Sick!
- I didn't even know you were dating.
I'll be back. Maybe. Probably.
Uh, everything's fine. Love you. Bye.
Gayle, what are you doing here?
- Did you follow me?
- I always follow you.
You should turn around more
often. Why'd you come here?
I, uh I just wanted to
give my pumpkin some eyebrows
so he can make more expressions.
Yeah, that's a good point.
But you're not allowed
to change it the night
before the contest.
It's not fair for the rest of us
and my pumpkin,
Mr. Face Holes, over here.
I know. I was just embarrassed
by how bad mine was
compared to your Whoa! Wh-Whoa! Aah!
- Oh, my God. Linda!
- Whoops.
I'm such a klutzo-buttso.
All right, let's just clean this up
- and get out of here.
- Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa!
Gayle, no! No, no! Oh, my God.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
I broke my fall with my
wrists like you're supposed to.
Oh, this is bad, Gayle.
You smashed one, too.
Yeah, but that was mine.
You smashed someone else's.
How the heck are we gonna explain this?
Oh, God, you're right.
What are we gonna do?
We got to tell somebody.
It's not our faul
Oh, whoa!
Why did they put these stupid pumpkins
so close to the edge of the table?
So, now we have to tell someone
- that we smashed three pumpkins.
- Or
we push over the whole
thing, smash all the pumpkins,
pull out a screw in the table,
make it look like an accident
and slip out of here
without anybody seeing us.
- Are you serious?
- Linda, we could get in big trouble.
It would send us down
a dark path in life.
You in jail, me on the run
with an endless list of lovers.
- Gayle.
- Sorry.
Okay, let's do it. Oh,
you're already doing it. Okay.
Goodbye, Mr. Face Holes.
So, let me get this straight.
Mom and Aunt Gayle just disappeared
on a mysterious mission?
She just has to tend
to a little business in Hunkawtaway.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Tend to
a little business, yeah.
That doesn't sound shady at all.
Is Mom a Breaking Bad?
No. She's just supporting
your Aunt Gayle.
Are Mom and Aunt Gayle
getting new boobs together?
Or switching boobs?
- Like Face/Off but Boob/Off?
- Mm no.
Trick or treat.
Oh, we got our first trick-or-treater.
Hi, there. Happy Halloween.
Here you go. Uh, take a few of these.
Um, do you have anything different?
- These are actually pretty good.
- Eh.
J-Just try one. You-you might like it.
He doesn't want one, sir.
Come on, buddy. Let's go.
How does he know he doesn't want it?
He never tried one.
- Trick or treat.
- Don't go here.
- Bye.
- Wait, no.
Oh, my God.
We're officially a
"don't go there" place.
You live by the weird, old candy,
you die by the weird, old candy.
All right, we're
closing for a little bit.
I'm gonna go buy different candy.
Stay here. Lock the door behind me.
You sweep, you dustpan,
you, um, make sure
they sweep and dustpan.
You know we're not gonna
do any of that stuff, right?
I know, I know. Just pretend, please.
- I'm pretending we're done.
- Mm.
Okay. "Who sent us those
letters?" brainstorm. Go.
It has to be somebody
who saw us that night.
But who? We were so careful.
I mean, were we? Wait a minute.
What about Marty
Deblusio-Klein? Remember?
We bumped into him on
our way out of school.
That's right.
He came back because
he forgot his trumpet.
We told him we were doing
marijuanas under the bleachers.
- It was the perfect alibi.
- Or maybe
it wasn't. Maybe he was suspicious.
Hmm. Maybe we should
pay Marty Deblusio-Klein
a little visit, see if
he sent us those letters.
I heard he's living
at his mom's old house.
Because he murdered her?
No. She moved to Florida.
Because she murdered someone?
No. Not everyone murders someone, Gayle.
That's not true.
What is happening?
We're exhausted from
watching the restaurant.
How does it somehow look worse in here?
We actually did sweep a little,
but then we played in it.
- We're taking a dirt nap.
- All right, so, I think I
did pretty good candy-wise.
We want to trust you, Dad, but
we don't want to get hurt again.
Are you sure it's
candy and not vitamins?
I don't know. Why
don't you guys tell me.
- Sour Sack Babies?
- Yeah, that's right.
I asked a kid in the store
what the best candy was.
His dad was concerned,
but they both agreed
these were a huge get.
I can't believe these weren't sold out.
Believe it, baby. I
found these three bags
shoved back behind some candy corn.
Ugh. Now we have to give
these out to other people.
It's not right.
Tina, don't make that
sound. Look, how about this:
whatever's left at the end of the night,
you kids can keep for yourselves.
- Deal. - Yay!
- There he is.
- Whoa!
- Uh, okay. Uh, take it easy, Louise.
Give me some. I want
to rub them on my face.
- Tina, stop.
- Don't worry.
We're gonna get you out of there.
Oh, my God.
Wow, the house hasn't changed a bit.
They still have the cute
little bars on the windows.
Wait, what are we gonna say to him?
Don't worry, Linda. I've been
working on talking to humans
with my life coach, Dane Kang.
Happy Halloween.
You didn't think we'd come here,
- did you, Marty?
- Aah!
You messed with the wrong sisters.
Wait, Gayle? From high school? Linda?
Hi, Marty.
What is happening?
You know what's happening.
This is about the
pumpkin carving contest.
What pumpkin carving contest?
Uh, you know, the one from 27 years ago?
When we were in high school?
Wait, you mean the
one that got canceled?
Aha! Suddenly Mr. "I Don't Know Anything
About Pumpkin Carving Contests"
knows a lot about a certain
pumpkin carving contest.
So, you think I'm the one
who smashed all the pumpkins?
And you waited 27 years
to confront me about it?
I didn't do it, I promise.
We know you didn't. But
you did write some letters,
and we'd like to look at
your marker collection.
Gayle, I'm starting to think
that Marty didn't write the letters.
- What letters?
- Eh, maybe you're right.
You know, I always
thought it was Scary Terry
who smashed all those pumpkins.
- Huh. Why would you think that?
- I mean, it's Scary Terry.
And I heard she entered the contest,
so, you know, maybe she thought
she wasn't gonna win,
so she smashed 'em all.
Maybe she's the one
who sent the letters.
Do you know where Scary Terry lives?
I don't know where she lives,
but I know where she works.
She's a pet groomer down
at To Groom It May Concern.
- We're out of here.
- Aw, so nice to catch up with you, Marty.
I'm so glad we stopped
by. Love your costume.
You're a great Smurf!
I really hope Scary
Terry's not the one sending
- those notes.
- I know.
Remember when she ate that spider?
Remember when she
set that bus stop on fire?
Yeah. Oh, boy. This is it.
Huh. Doesn't look like they're open.
-Nobody's in there.
-Wait, look. There's a dog in there.
Or some kind of big squirrel?
- I don't know. I'm a cat person.
- That's creepy.
It's just sitting there. By itself.
I guess they are open. Should we go in?
Hello?
Oh, hello.
- Aah!
- Aah!
Oh, it is a dog.
- Hi, Terry.
- Linda? Gayle?
- Yeah. Yeah, it's us.
- Surprise.
What are you doing here?
And why are you backing away from me?
Uh, we're here 'cause, uh
our car broke down.
- I have a UTI!
- What?
Yeah, we were driving
and then our car broke down
and then Gayle's pee was
burning. Bad. Unrelated.
So, we called a tow truck
and came in here to wait.
Anyway, what a surprise. You're here.
Well, it's a real treat
to see both of you.
Like "trick or treat"?
I get it.
I like this.
I better finish up with Jasper here.
Do you two want to sit? We have chairs.
I'd offer you something to eat,
but we only have dog treats.
- I'll try a dog treat.
- Gayle, no.
Uh, how long you been grooming pooches?
Long enough to do this.
- Aah!
- Oh!
That's a fun trick
that you shouldn't do again.
I cut people hair, too.
Not officially. But I'll
give you a great rate.
Gayle, you look like you
could use a little touch-up.
- Or Linda?
- No. More you.
She seems like she just got a haircut.
- It looks great.
- Nope. Looks terrible. Awful.
Uh, but we're fine. We don't-we don't
- we don't want to take up your time.
- They're scared.
No, we're not scared.
You know what? On the
house. Gayle, come.
Come. Come, come.
Good girl.
Oh, Gayle.
Leave the bangs.
Happy Halloween.
I don't want to get ahead of ourselves,
but I think we might be turning
into a "do go there" place.
Ugh. We need to slow this down
if we're gonna have any left for us.
Or we just go
trick-or-treating ourselves?
No. Later for that.
Right now, we need to
stay here and figure out
how to protect these poor,
innocent Sour Sack Babies
from these horrible actual babies.
Should we just give them cash?
Dang it. Here comes another
one. What's their problem?
Trick or treat.
Welcome. Hope you like great candy,
'cause we have Sour Sack Babies.
- Yeah, I know.
- You know?
- Trick or treat.
- Trick or treat.
Hey, there. Hang on. Just taking
care of grim reaper here.
Here you go.
- Trick or treat.
- Oh, my God.
You got to be freaking kidding me!
They're like ants.
- Gimme, gimme, gimme!
- I want one!
O-Okay, here. Everybody,
please, just wait your turn.
Do you have tropical Sour Sack Babies?
- What?
- Tropical. Sour. Sack. Babies.
No. We have this kind.
Y-You've done Halloween before, right?
Wait, grim reaper?
Y-You just took some.
- Thanks. Bye.
- Trick or treat.
Aah! Make it stop!
Good girl. You're doing great.
Yes, you are.
You know, it's kind of funny
that we're all together,
hanging out on Halloween.
- What do you mean?
- Well,
we were all in that pumpkin contest
that got canceled back in high school.
Oh, yeah. That was a shame.
You know, some people think
that someone smashed all
the pumpkins on purpose.
What? Who would do something like that?
Oh, I'm sure they had a good reason.
But if you knew who it
was, what would you do?
Maybe send weird letters to them?
Something worse?
Don't worry.
Your daddy's coming soon.
You guys know Mr. Rosenthal.
Mr. Rosenthal? Our
principal from high school?
Yeah. This is his dog. He's
on his way to pick him up.
I'm sure he'd love to see you.
FYI, he's older now. It's noticeable.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, yeah, that'd be nice to see him.
- Linda got older, too.
- You know what?
Can I go get some product?
It's for wirehaired terriers,
but your hair has the same texture.
Okay.
Aah!
- Dog toy.
- Gayle, we got to get out of here.
What? No. We got to figure
out if Terry sent the letters,
and if she did, we got to confront her
and say "Stop it." You'll do that part.
Or my new plan. We get out of here
and send her a strongly-worded email
when we get home.
And maybe a negative Yelp review.
Trick or treat.
I was here first.
- Trick or treat.
- Ooh, Sour Sack Babies!
Okay. Try-try and
form a line. Everyone.
Parents, i-if you could
please control your kids?
Grim reaper? Are you serious?
I can see that you
just put a baseball cap
on top of your costume.
Does your dad know you're doing this?
It's my dad's hat.
Okay, fine. Just take one.
- But that's it.
- Father!
Stop giving away candy!
I can't help it. It's stupid Halloween.
Wait. What's in Dad's bowl
is our last bag! We don't have any left
for ourselves! Somebody, do something!
- Here. Here. Take it.
- There's just too many of them!
- Here. Take it. Here.
- Why did Mom have to
leave us alone on the day
- of the child zombie candy-pocalypse?
- Here. Take it. Here.
Gayle, come on.
She's gonna come back any second.
No. We're gonna see this through.
What's she gonna do, kill us?
I should trim your claws.
Uh, I-I mean, nails.
Both of you. I've got a great cutter.
It's really sharp.
- Yeah, okay, let's go.
- Run. Run!
Run for the car!
Oh! And now the dog's chasing us!
Hey!
Run, Gayle, run! We're gonna die!
I'm too young to die!
I'm so much younger than you!
- Aah!
- Aah! Scary Terry!
Linda! Gayle! Jasper, come!
Oh, God, why did we park so far away?
I don't know! It
seemed like a good spot!
Wait. Somebody's here.
Help! Help! We're being chased!
Forget it, Gayle. Let's just go!
Linda? Gayle? Is that you?
Oh, hi, Principal Rosenthal.
Well, hello. I haven't
seen you in years.
- How are you?
- We're very good.
You're still alive. That's nice.
It is nice. I'm here to pick up my dog.
He needed a haircut
'cause he's dressing up
as James Spader from
Blacklist for Halloween.
Ja
- Jasper?
- Oh, God,
- here she comes!
- Help us.
She's chasing us! Aah!
You come here, little man.
I'm so sorry, Mr. Rosenthal. He got out.
Somebody opened his pen.
Oh, sorry. That was an accident.
We were running because we
thought you were chasing us,
but you were chasing the dog?
No, I was chasing you, too.
I have this great product.
Remember? The thing I said
two seconds before you ran out?
Why did you run out?
We were catching up.
We were talking about the
pumpkin carving contest
- that got canceled.
- Oh, God, I remember that.
- Uh
- You know, Linda,
the sad thing is we never got
to announce that you were
Shush, shush, shush,
shush, shush, shush, uh
Oh, I w I-I was just gonna
say we were gonna announce
Oh, we're singing
- Halloween, Halloween
- Oh, I was just gonna say you were
- It's such beautiful time of year.
- What? What? What? What? What?
Linda, you're being weird.
We never got to announce
that you were the winner!
- And you said it.
- Wait, what?
- Linda was gonna win?
- Yeah.
Linda, did you know you were gonna win?
I found out at school the day before.
I was in the hall on my way to poop
when I heard some teachers talking
in the principal's office
about the pumpkin contest.
Then I heard Mr. Rosenthal say
that I was gonna be the winner.
That mine was the most creative.
- Creative?
- I knew you'd be crushed.
I knew how hard you worked on yours,
and I just couldn't let it happen.
Wait, you dropped your
pumpkin on purpose?
Sorta. Yeah.
So you smashed all the pumpkins?
Sorry. If you want to
arrest us, I understand.
Uh, I mean, me. Gayle wasn't there.
Wait a second. So, who sent
us those freakin' letters?
- I don't know.
- I did.
Huh?
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm life coach,
personal trainer and inventor Dane Kang.
Hi, Dane Kang. Wait, it was you?
Yes, Gayle. Of course
I sent you the letters.
And I'm proud of you. You did it.
I did? What did I do?
What the heck is going on?
I knew the only way to get Gayle
to confront her past
was to bring it back
and shove it in her face.
And if she rose to the challenge,
she could move forward
in all areas of her life
and to the gold star
level of my program.
Ooh.
I didn't know life
coaches did that stuff.
- Oh, they don't.
- Can I have your card?
Well, why did you
bring me into all this?
Gayle talks about you a lot.
- No, not that much. Maybe once.
- We've had one session,
and I feel like I've
known you all my life.
Though I expected you to
be older and very ugly.
Anyway, you're welcome.
You're all welcome.
Now I got to go pretend to be
a client's long-lost love child.
Bye, Dane Kang. I'll call you Monday.
Well, this was fun.
You're gonna want to rub
this in with your fingertips.
- Give me your hand.
- Okay.
Trick or treat.
Here. Last one. Yeah.
No more Sour Sack Babies, okay?
Oh, no. Don't-don't cry.
Here. W-We have these.
Take as many as you want.
Oh, my God.
Ugh. Total disaster.
And now we don't have
any Sour Sack Babies.
This feels like rock bottom.
I don't even know if I have the energy
to trick-or-treat anymore.
I mean, we'll go, but
my heart won't be in it.
Just my mouth.
Well, good thing I saved
three of these things for you kids, huh?
- Yay! - Oh, my God!
- Yes!
I could kiss you. And I will.
Give me those lips!
I am never handing out good candy again.
- Mm-hmm. -Yeah.
- Yep, yep, yep.
I mean, what kind of
life coach does that?
He's the best. That's why
- he's $400 a session.
- What?!
But, you know, the first two are free.
And I think I'm fixed now,
so I just need to
cancel your credit card.
- Oh, God.
- Linda,
I wish you would've just told
me that you were gonna win
that pumpkin carving contest.
I know. But I guess
sometimes I don't tell you
good stuff that happens to
me 'cause I don't want to,
you know, rub it in.
When good things happen to
you, it does make me happy.
Is this just because
sometimes I fly into
violent rages of jealousy
and cry in the closet until I throw up?
- Yeah, maybe.
- Well, I still want to know
what's happening in
your life. I love you.
You're my sister and my best friend.
And my archnemesis.
I love you, too, Gayle.
Also, my pumpkin was
way better than yours.
Mr. Rosenthal's stupid.
Oh, speaking of pumpkins,
look at those. They're good.
- Too good. I want to go smash them!
- Gayle, no!
Goblins, ghouls, ghosts and bears
Why'd I say bears?
I don't know, they're scary
It's Halloween Aah!
Okay, bears aren't that scary
They're just big and hairy
They eat nuts and
berries, not scary
But what the heck,
it's Halloween Aah!
Halloween, ooh
Halloween, scary, scary
Halloween
Halloween-ween-ween
Goblins, ghouls, ghosts and bears
Why'd I say bears?
I don't know, they're
scary, it's Halloween. Aah!