Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (2014) s12e10 Episode Script
Deportations
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week,
from Trump's national security
adviser being pushed out,
to Mark Carney
winning Canada's election.
His conservative opponent
was on course for a massive victory
until his similarities with Trump
became a liability.
And voters this week there
did seem to have that in mind.
I think who I voted for
would be the best
to take care of Trump,
because Trump is,
Do you know
how big an asshole you have to be
to motivate voters
in a place you're not president?
For the next four years,
are we just gonna see angry grandmas
in Monaco in statement eyewear
saying "I'm a three-issue voter:
race cars, casinos, and stopping
whatever dumb shit Trump just said."
But we're gonna dive straight in
with our main story: immigrants.
Once again named group of the year
by Right-Wing Scapegoat Magazine.
While campaigning, Trump promised
a draconian crackdown on migrants.
His administration's made a big show
out of following through on that,
from inviting Dr. Phil
on a ride-along with ICE,
to nauseating social media posts
like this one, titled:
"ASMR:
Illegal Alien Deportation Flight",
featuring sounds of manacles
and handcuffs,
and this one, which is somehow
in even worse taste.
Closing time,
you don't have to go home
but you can't stay here.
I know who I want to take me home.
That is real!
They used "Closing Time"
by Semisonic.
Which, obviously,
isn't the right song choice.
The right song choice
would be no song at all,
because "deportation Instagram reel"
is a combination of words
that should never exist, like:
"Oscar winner Mr. Beast"
or "Stephen Miller nudes",
or "Bill Belichick"
"speaks about his relationship
with 24-year-old girlfriend".
Semisonic denounced that video,
saying:
"We did not authorize or condone
the White House's use of our song.
The song is about joy
and possibilities and hope,
and they have
missed the point entirely".
Of course, they have!
According to the band's drummer,
the song's about
the "anticipation of fatherhood,
a song about being sent forth
from the womb as if
by a bouncer clearing out a bar".
And, obviously, it is.
We all knew
that and got it from the lyrics.
It's closing time, you're a baby,
get out of that uterus,
and finish your whiskey and beer.
You don't have to go home
but you can't stay here.
Seems every day brings terrible news
concerning deportation policies.
Some of which has been so surreal,
news has had to run fact-checks on it,
like in this sponsored segment.
Tonight's "Fact or Fiction" is brought
to you by America's Finest Carpet.
Tonight,
we're looking into a comment
allegedly made by the head of
Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
A story that you may have seen today
claims acting ICE Director Todd Lyons
said that he would like the agency
to be run like Amazon Prime
for human beings.
And this is true.
Yeah! It is true!
And spare a quick thought
for that station and its sponsor,
America's Finest Carpet.
Because verifying ICE's director
wanting to expel humans
with the speed of a pack of emergency
tampons on sameday delivery
clearly isn't what their
"Fact or Fiction" segment is for.
It's for getting to the bottom
of questions that they've answered,
like "Sharks Test Positive
for Cocaine?"
"Woman Arrested
for Cinnamon Roll Attack?"
and "Ford Creates
'Very Gay' Raptor?"
which you'll be pleased to know
was very much: fact.
The intention behind that Amazon Prime
idea gets to something important.
For all this administration's talk
of prioritizing hardened criminals,
it's seemed to value speed, volume,
and spectacle over all else,
perhaps best summed up by the fact,
at a rally on Tuesday,
Trump directed the audience's
attention to a grotesque video
of men getting deported
to a Salvadoran prison,
being marched off an airplane,
and having their heads shaved,
prefacing it by telling
the cheering crowd
those men
were "the worst of the worst."
Despite the fact,
when "60 Minutes" looked into it,
they couldn't find criminal records
for 75% of the men on those flights.
And Trump's own administration
has conceded that at least one man,
Kilmar Abrego Garcia, was sent there
due to an "administrative error".
For weeks now,
it has been scrambling to come up
with reasons why it was okay
to send that man to a foreign prison,
which has been hard for them to do,
given that he had a court order
protecting him from deportation to
El Salvador, and no criminal record.
At one point, Trump posted
a photo of himself holding an image
that had been circulating
online of Abrego Garcia's hand
with labels added suggesting
the tattoos on his knuckles
were somehow secret code
spelling out "MS-13."
Multiple gang experts
have disputed that,
pointing out MS-13 tattoos tend
to feature the letters "M", "S"
and the numbers "1" and "3".
But in an interview on Tuesday, Trump
not only defended posting that image,
he argued that the letters and numbers
that'd clearly been superimposed
were actually tattooed on his hand.
And he refused to let go of that idea
for an agonizingly long time.
And while you may've seen
small clips of this exchange,
it is worth watching
the full 90 seconds,
because it is absolutely incredible.
The man that you picked out
said he wasn't a member of a gang.
And then they looked,
and on his knuckles he had "MS-13".
- There's a dispute over that.
- Wait a minute! He had "MS-13".
He had some tattoos
that are interpreted that way.
Don't do that.
It says M-S-one-three.
- That was Photoshop.
- That was Photoshop?!
You can't do that. They're giving you
the big break of a lifetime.
You're doing the interview.
I picked you because, frankly,
I never heard of you, but that's okay.
- I want to move on to something else.
- Terry!
- Do you want me to show the picture?
- I saw the picture.
- And you think it was Photoshop.
- Here we go.
Go look at his hand.
He did have tattoos
that can be interpreted that way.
- Terry, no!
He had "MS" as clear as you can be.
Not interpreted.
This is why people no longer believe
the news, because it's fake news.
When he was photographed
in El Salvador, they aren't there.
But let's go on. They aren't there
when he's in El Salvador.
They weren't there
but they're there now, right?
They're in your picture.
Ukraine, sir.
- He's got "MS-13" on his knuckles.
- Alright.
- We'll take a look at it.
- You do such a disservice!
Why don't you say "Yes, he does"
It's contested.
Terry. Terry. Terry.
You're in hell, Terry.
Terry, this is hell right now.
I'm genuinely shocked Trump
doesn't drink alcohol,
because that is the most
"drunk at an IHOP" conversation
I think I've ever heard.
And no disrespect to Terry
but maybe don't move on from that.
I know you've got
other questions to get to,
but if the president
of the United States
is trying to tell you this amateur
hour Photoshop is real,
let him go get the picture,
and make him say it again.
Point to that Helvetica-looking "M"
and make the president say
"Yes, I believe that artless 'M'
that's weirdly clearer and darker
than all the other tattoos is real".
Make him say "I believe
that man went to a tattoo parlor
and said
'The skull's pretty spooky,
but what I'd really like
is a neatly-aligned '3'
directly on the bone of my knuckle
and can you please make it
so that it doesn't stretch or bend with
the natural curves of the human hand
and also make it look
like a typewriter did it?'"
Terry, sometimes, when Trump's
doing his normal racist blue-skying,
you do need to cut him off to slow
the flow of hatred into the world,
but if he wants to tell America
that this laughably doctored picture
is evidence of a major
threat to American safety,
you have an obligation
to let the man cook.
And for what it's worth, if Trump
is going to hash out those claims,
he probably should be doing that
in court, not on TV,
and after he's already shipped
someone off to a foreign prison.
Abrego Garcia's one of many horrifying
stories surrounding immigration,
from tourists
being detained for weeks,
to U.S. citizens being caught up
in ICE dragnets, to videos like this.
You can see an agent
using a large hammer
to break the back passenger window
of their car.
Marilu says the agents
were focused on her husband, Juan,
but kept calling him Antonio.
That's the name of another
man who lives in their building.
Thinking this is a case
of mistaken identity,
Juan called his attorney, who told them
to stay in the car until she got there.
Instead of waiting for their lawyer,
the agent smashed the car window,
broke into the vehicle,
and dragged the couple out.
They had no reason to detain him.
We've been following
the rules of this country.
We're doing things the right way.
That's why we have a lawyer.
Right! They're trying
to do things the right way.
We have an asylum process in place,
and while it is not perfect,
I don't think a key step in it is
"guy smashes your car with a hammer
while screaming
someone else's name at you."
But that's just
the tip of the iceberg here.
So, given that, tonight,
let's look at Trump and deportations,
the aggression
of his administration's crackdowns,
its blatant contempt for the law,
and where this could be heading.
Let's start with the fact
Trump's off to a much quicker start
than last time around.
In its first 100 days,
this administration's taken
181 immigration-specific
executive actions,
a sixfold increase over that
same period in Trump's first term.
And that is deliberate.
As the head
of one anti-immigration group
that advises the White House
has put it,
the plan has been to do everything,
all at once, everywhere.
Which sounds
less like rational government policy,
and more like a knockoff DVD
sold on the subway.
And to do that, they've employed
a wide variety of tactics.
Sometimes, they've gotten creative
by looking through old statutes
for cheat codes
to expedite deportations.
We've talked before
about how they've tried
using an obscure provision
of the Immigration and Nationality Act
to remove people if the secretary
of state has reasonable ground
to believe their presence here
would have
potentially serious adverse
foreign policy consequences.
Is the reason they gave for arresting
students like Mahmoud Khalil.
And while that was clearly
a targeted attempt
to frighten students out of voicing
solidarity with Palestine,
they've also
taken much broader swings,
using a federal database
that tracks even the slightest
interactions with law enforcement,
to revoke visas and put thousands
of international students in jeopardy.
And some of the cases
have been truly absurd,
like this grad student who was told
he had 15 days to leave the country.
Suguru Onda, getting a PhD
at Brigham Young University in Utah,
had his legal status in the U.S.
suddenly revoked
after a criminal records check.
But Onda, from Japan,
had no criminal charges on his record,
just two speeding tickets
and a citation
for catching one too many fish,
his attorney says.
That is ridiculous.
If you can be flagged for deportation
for catching one too many fish,
then I truly fear
for Henry Winkler.
We could be days away from seeing
him in an El Salvador prison,
which I'm sure the White House
will then justify
by badly photoshopping an MS-13
tattoo onto his neck.
And while they later reversed
that specific decision,
this all feels
like the inevitable result
of a campaign that fearmongered about
an epidemic of socalled "migrant crime"
which, as we've discussed before,
was wildly overblown.
But having promised mass deportations
and even printed signs
for people to wave
around demanding them,
they're now scrambling to deliver.
While the administration denies it,
ICE officials have reportedly been told
to aggressively ramp up
the number of people they arrest,
from a few hundred per day
to at least 12 to 1,500,
with the idea being
each of the agency's field offices
should make 75 arrests per day.
And for all of this administration's
promises of a "worst-first" strategy,
where they focus
on those with criminal histories,
as a former director of ICE
pointed out three months ago,
that was always unlikely to last.
Sarah Saldana
believes if arrest numbers
don't increase as rapidly
as the administration hopes,
it might abandon
the worst-first strategy
and begin targeting community
locations like day labor sites.
That is really a big concern of mine
because that's not,
that's not, again, a stretch
to think that that might happen next.
If the numbers are not coming through,
let's get the low-hanging fruit.
Right, and you should avoid
low-hanging fruit.
I try to do that. If I were
to constantly go for lowhanging fruit,
I'd say that "worst-first" doesn't
describe Trump's immigration policy
so much as it describes his children,
but again, I've avoided saying that,
because I have standards,
so I won't do it.
And the administration now
seems desperate to scoop anyone up.
Police in places
like upstate New York
have been stopping Hispanic drivers
for minor traffic violations,
and if they're undocumented, handing
them over to Border Patrol agents.
Also, at one point,
tens of thousands of people
received emails
explicitly telling them to:
"Please leave the United States
immediately."
Some of those were sent by mistake
to American citizens,
while others went to migrants
with a legal right to be here.
The fact is, what the administration
is doing is sometimes targeted,
sometimes arbitrary, usually
blatantly racist, and always cruel.
And sometimes, breathtakingly so.
Tonight, the administration is facing
criticism from migrant advocates
over the removal
of two American citizen children
of an undocumented
woman from Honduras,
including her four-year-old son.
A migrant rights group
says he was sent to Honduras
without his medication
for stage-four cancer.
How is going after families with young
kids targeting the worst of the worst?
First of all, we said we're going
to prioritize the worst of the worst.
You feel
like that's what you're doing?
Absolutely.
But when you prioritize something,
it doesn't mean
you forget about everybody else.
If you're in the country illegally,
you're not off the table.
First, Tom Homan
can truly rot in hell.
Though I'd expect nothing less from
a man who clearly answers the question
"What would Shrek
look like as a white ogre?"
And while the government
insists that woman
"chose" to have her son
deported with her,
her lawyers insist that was not,
in fact, the case.
Either way, between the government
putting that kid on a plane
without his medication
and the cuts to research at the NIH,
it seems this administration's actively
coming out "propediatric cancer".
I feel there's a nonzero chance
Trump's about to add a brain tumor
to his cabinet.
And then, presumably, RFK's either
going to eat it or point at it and say
"It's from Wi-Fi."
But one of the boldest moves they've
made to circumvent due process
is invoking what's called
the Alien Enemies Act,
a 1798 law that allows the president
to detain or deport noncitizens,
without a hearing and based only on
their country of birth or citizenship,
if he decides that an invasion
or predatory incursion by that country
is underway.
It was infamously used to justify
the internment of Japanese,
Italian, and German immigrants
in World War II.
But Trump has now invoked it again,
saying it "lets us do a lot of things
we wouldn't be able to do."
He's issued an absurd proclamation
declaring a Venezuelan gang
called Tren de Aragua, or TDA,
has invaded the United States.
And he's used that as a pretext
to sweep people up in raids,
label them as gang members,
and deport them.
Some have been shipped off to CECOT,
a notorious megaLast prison
in El Salvador.
And if you've only seen it
in Trump's propaganda videos,
or in Kristi Noem's
grotesque photoop,
it is worth knowing
just how grim it is in there.
Inmates are assigned
to one of eight sectors,
each roughly
the size of an airplane hangar.
Basically, prisons within the prison.
Once inside,
it's said to be a life sentence.
They'll never leave
their assigned sector.
Each sector holds
more than two dozen large cells,
roughly 80 inmates per cell,
but that can fluctuate.
Inside each cell:
toilets, a concrete basin for bathing,
and a barrel of drinking water,
several rows of metal bunk beds,
no mattresses,
no sheets, no privacy.
It is awful in there.
The Salvadoran Justice
and Security minister has even bragged
that "no one who enters
the CECOT will ever walk out;
they will only be
able to leave in a coffin."
And "you'll only be able
to leave in a coffin"
is a horrifying statement,
no matter where it is.
Even if it was on a sign
outside a literal coffin dealership,
it'd be a bit much.
I get you're trying to make a sale,
but come on, tone it down.
And look, sending anyone
there is unforgivable,
whatever they're accused of.
But it's worth noting we've not
only done it without due process,
in many cases,
we've done it without cause.
Remember,
on those first plane loads,
three-quarters of the people
had no discernible criminal record.
And while Tom Homan has insisted
that that doesn't mean anything,
because "a lot of gang members
don't have criminal histories,"
you clearly shouldn't
be sending people
to a Central American
forever dungeon just on vibes.
And the government's evidence in some
of the cases is just absurdly weak.
Take Andry Hernandez Romero,
a Venezuelan stylist
who was in the middle
of seeking asylum in the U.S.
to escape persecution for his political
views and the fact that he's gay.
Time Magazine photographed him
having his head shaved
upon arrival at CECOT,
with the photographer saying
he was crying for his mother.
And as his lawyer points out,
the evidence the government's
shown to justify that is ridiculous.
In Andry's case,
the only evidence the government
presented in immigration court
were these pictures of his tattoos.
Crowns, which immigration authorities
say can be symbols of Tren de Aragua.
The crowns themselves were
on top of the names of his parents.
The most plausible explanations
are that his mom and dad
are his king and queen.
A Department of Homeland Security
spokeswoman said on social media
that its "intelligence assessments
go beyond gang affiliate tattoos."
She said Andry's "own social media
indicates he is a member
of Tren de Aragua."
We went back a decade
and could only find photos like these.
That is utterly infuriating.
That is your evidence?
What about this man
screams violent gang member?
The only thing I'm confident
he's a genuine threat to
is unaccented cheekbones.
And for what it's worth:
there are no tattoos
that denote membership to TDA.
An expert who wrote the book on them
has said:
"Venezuelan gangs
are not identified by tattoos."
But apparently,
the Trump administration's been relying
on an Alien Enemy Validation Guide,
specifically, its scoring system,
under which eight points are required
for any individual to be identified
as a member of Tren de Aragua.
But that is not a high bar,
as you can get four points
simply for having tattoos denoting
membership or loyalty to TDA,
which, again, is not a thing,
and four points if you display logos
or dress known to indicate
allegiance to TDA,
which can be as simple as being
dressed in high-end urban street wear,
especially basketball jerseys
from the Chicago Bulls.
But that is clearly bullshit,
because if that is all it takes,
then 75% of the city of Chicago
are TDA from October to April.
And somehow
it gets even dumber.
Tattoos and social media were also used
to link another Venezuelan migrant,
Jerce Reyes Barrios,
to the Tren de Aragua gang.
Immigration court documents include
this Facebook post from 14 years ago
showing him flashing
what officers said was a gang sign.
His girlfriend told us
it was all about rock n' roll.
Immigration agents also flagged
Jerce's crown tattoo as a gang symbol.
But they did not mention
the crown is above a soccer ball.
Jerce was a soccer player
in Venezuela.
His lawyer says the tattoo honors
his favorite team, Real Madrid.
That is pathetic.
And as for this picture of Jerce
supposedly throwing up gang signs,
if that were true, Rihanna, Fergie,
and former president George W. Bush
are all Tren de Aragua, too.
But when confronted on this in court,
the government's
been completely unrepentant.
Early on,
they violated a judge's orders
to turn around planes
carrying deportees to El Salvador.
And even after
the Supreme Court explicitly directed
they facilitate Abrego
Garcia's release from custody there,
they've chosen to dick around about the
exact meaning of the word "facilitate".
As for Trump,
when he was pressed on whether
the people he sent to El Salvador
deserved any sort of due process,
We have thousands of people
that are ready to go out,
and you can't have a trial
for all of these people.
And a judge can't say
"No, you have to have a trial,
the trial's gonna take two years".
We're gonna have
very dangerous country
if we're not allowed to do
what we're entitled to do".
But that's not how anything works.
You can't just opt out of due process
because it's inconvenient.
It's why court orders
don't tend to end with:
"If not, no worries!
You do you!"
And the thing is,
this could all get worse.
Because while the courts have tried
to curb Trump's use of these two acts,
they've also seemed to sign off
on a new diabolical strategy
the administration's been using,
involving a decades-old legal provision
called "registration of aliens".
It allows the administration
to require undocumented people
register with the government
and carry proof of that registration.
And it is clearly a trap.
Because if you register, and give
the government all your information,
you become an easy target.
But if you don't,
or are caught not carrying proof,
you can be charged
with a federal misdemeanor,
allowing them to label you a criminal,
and putting you at risk of deportation.
And this is already happening.
People have been charged in Texas
and Arizona using this mechanism.
Basically, they can't find
enough criminals to deport,
so they've found a way to turn
more people into criminals,
so that they suddenly can.
It's a desperate,
but depressingly effective move.
And that's not even getting into
the other plans that they've teased,
from Marco Rubio saying,
"We are actively searching
for other countries to take people",
to the administration floating the idea
of labeling suspected gang members
as "enemy combatants".
They've also tried to stop
anyone who stands in their way,
just last week,
they arrested a judge in Wisconsin
for supposedly helping an immigrant
evade ICE.
And on Thursday,
ICE made a big production
out of serving a search warrant
as part of an investigation into these
fliers that were posted months ago,
with information
about ICE agents on them.
They even released dramatic
footage of them rolling up
to the house of their target's parents,
who were pretty surprised.
Drone video shows ice agents
moving into an Irvine neighborhood.
Annie Yang and Yuzong Chang
are still in shock
after being woken up
by Homeland Security investigators.
Woke up to this.
Neighbors captured video
of the scene outside their home.
They described hearing
"We have a warrant.
Come out with your hands up",
over a loudspeaker.
That never happened to us before.
I feel like I was in a movie set.
It was so unreal.
I'm afraid this is real life.
17 vehicles with armed agents
did a "Zero Dark Thirty"
on a lovable middle-aged couple,
looking for a guy who had put up
fliers warning about ICE overreach.
Fun fact: guess who was on site
for that raid?
The ICE acting director
who said the Amazon Prime thing.
Guess who wasn't there?
The guy they were looking for,
as he apparently moved to New York
last month.
A mistake, for the record,
that Amazon would not make.
And while that's almost
laughably absurd,
it's also, obviously,
scary and extremely dangerous.
And it kind of gets
to the heart of all of this,
which is Trump loudly
selling his supporters
the lie that he'll protect them
from existential threats,
only to further government
overreach and state violence,
even while deporting
makeup artists,
unlucky soccer fans,
and four-year-olds with cancer.
So, what can we do? Some of this
depends on elected leaders.
And to their credit,
a number of prominent Democrats
have gone to El Salvador
to call attention to this,
which is definitely preferable
to the approach that others have taken,
with some anonymous
House Democrats quoted as saying
"Should it be the big issue
for Democrats? Probably not".
And complaining "Rather than talking
about the tariff policy and economy,
we're gonna go take the bait
for one hairdresser."
Which is absolutely enraging.
Especially as many voters
do seem to get the clear problem
with deporting people without
due process to a prison for life,
even in red states.
Here's Chuck Grassley, being
confronted at a town hall in Iowa.
Are you gonna bring that guy back
from El Salvador?
Yeah!
- I'm not going to.
- Why not?
That's not a power of Congress.
Supreme Court
said to bring him back!
If the president
isn't upholding the Constitution.
He's defying the Constitution.
You're on the Judiciary Committee.
Trump don't care!
If I get an order to pay
a ticket for $1,200
and I just say "No",
does that stand up?
'Cause he's got an order
from the Supreme Court
and he's just said "No!"
Exactly! Exactly!
That man who definitely
owes a real $1,200 ticket
is right on the nose there.
The president is clearly not following
the law as he is required to.
If your elected officials
aren't holding town halls,
you can still tell them
you care about this issue.
Call them and say,
if they believe in due process,
they should work
to repeal the Alien Enemies Act,
and amend the part
of Section 237 of the INA
that lets Marco Rubio decide
whose free speech is a threat.
But in the meantime, we're gonna need
to help immigrants defend themselves.
Remember: those immigration court
are not guaranteed a lawyer.
And if they don't have one,
their chances are basically zero.
So, if you can, it is worth
supporting nonprofits like these
that provide legal services
for immigrants,
or local ones in your community.
This is an issue where I think there
is a practical value to public protest.
Because this is going to be
in the courts.
And those inside them need to be
made aware of public opinion on this,
'cause it can make a difference.
Former Supreme Court Chief Justice
William Rehnquist once wrote that
"No honorable judge
would ever cast his vote
because he thought the majority of the
public wanted him to vote that way",
but that in certain cases,
judges are undeniably
"influenced by the great tides
of public opinion".
And I would argue,
the moment we're in right now
isn't just worthy of a great tide,
it is worthy of a fucking tsunami.
Because this is an absolute outrage,
and it is one where it is important
to remind our elected leaders
that all people are worthy of safety,
protection, and due process.
Because that is indisputably,
in the words of this country's
single weirdest carpet-sponsored
local-news segment, a fucking fact.
And now, this!
And Now:
Local News Celebrates
the Dumbest of Holidays.
National Shrimp
Scampi Day. Very niche.
I love shrimp scampi.
I love a good shrimp dish.
I feel like with pasta's my favorite.
I don't know if that's really basic,
just like a fettuccine with shrimp.
That's not basic at all.
It is National Shrimp Scampi Day.
- Shrimp Scampi Day.
- Nice.
Shrimp Scampi Day.
I'm just stuck on that.
Man! If somebody's
doing some deals around town,
I feel like we'd get pretty lucky
if we found that.
So, dig in
and don't scrimp on the shrimp.
I bet if shrimp could have TVs,
they would love
to watch "Prawn Stars".
Who wrote this script?
- Shrimp scampi.
- You can have mine.
You're not eating
the shrimp scampi? Why?
I'm not into seafood that much.
Got some shrimp at home
that's begging to be scampi'd.
- Yep, scampi it up.
- I'll scampi it up tonight, maybe.
1992 on this date,
the riots in L.A. began,
following the acquittal
of police officers
charged with excessive force
in the beating of Rodney King.
Moving on. Finally, tonight,
a quick word about baseball:
America's official national pastime.
Not to be confused
with its unofficial national pastime:
clicking "remind me later"
on software updates.
Specifically, we're gonna talk
about Minor League Baseball,
the network of teams that function
as a farm system for players.
There are currently
120 full-season minor league teams,
each affiliated
with a major league one.
And if you have one in your town,
you may be familiar with them,
thanks to eyecatching
promotions like this one last year,
from the Lake County Captains
in Ohio.
We thought, why don't we rip out
two sections and put in toilets!
And work with Roto-Rooter,
and that's what we did!
Can I be so bold as to ask
why you went with a toilet seat?
'Cause it's amazing.
It's hilarious.
I was trying to see
if we could use 'em.
I love all of that.
From the fact that he's wearing
a T-shirt that says "bunt stuff",
to the toilets themselves,
which look less like stadium seating
and more like a production number
from an all-toilet version
of "A Chorus Line".
And while they might
not be functional,
that guy there seems
two White Claws away from saying,
"Fuck it,
I'm taking a dump here anyway".
Minor League Baseball
teams are really good at publicity.
They kind of have to be,
as while their player contracts
are handled by major league teams,
they're responsible
for many other operating costs,
which can be significant.
They go out of their way to try
and grab people's attention,
starting with eye-catching team names,
like the Hub City Spartan Burgers,
or the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp,
or the Modesto Nuts.
Those are just the ones
named after food.
There's also
the Richmond Flying Squirrels,
the Lehigh Valley Ironpigs,
and the Binghamton Rumble Ponies.
"Rumble pony" sounds less
like the name of a baseball team,
and more like Australian slang
for a bike.
"G'day, mate, peddling the heck
out of the ol' rumble pony right now!
I'm bloody knackered!"
The names of minor league teams
have gotten even more creative,
as they've discovered that a flashy
reboot can really boost ticket sales.
Here's a marketing exec
with one team in Alabama,
explaining the gamble that they took
on a team name that really paid off.
The ownership group hesitated a lot
using the word "trash" in their name.
"I don't want trash to be associated
with our name.
That's not gonna be a good look.
It's not gonna sell."
But, did it sell. The Rocket
City Trash Pandas with their logo
featuring a raccoon
in a trash can rocket ship exploded.
We sold $2.3 million in merchandise
before playing a Trash Pandas game.
Of course you did!
I cannot believe that ownership group
fought that idea for a single second.
Because if you told me "My idea
for making people buy things
is to put a raccoon
in a trash can rocket ship",
my first, second,
and third reaction would be
"Good idea.
You're about to be a billionaire."
Because you can't not buy merch
like that once you know it exists.
Case in point:
go Trash Pandas! TPs for life!
And beyond rebrandings,
teams also throw theme nights
that can be both weird
and incredible.
The now-defunct Lowell Spinners
once held a Bubble Wrap Night
where nearly 3,700 fans
popped bubble wrap at the same time.
Do you want to hear what
it sounded like? Of course you do!
Okay, ready, set, go!
Listen to that popping!
Perfect idea,
flawless execution.
And if you're thinking:
wasn't that quite a lot to go through
to produce a sound best described
as "sizzling fajita plate?"
Shut the fuck up!
Let things be fun!
But that is not all, one night,
the El Paso Chihuahuas
played a whole game
in this absolutely unhinged jersey
that led their own general manager
to say:
"I'll never forget the first time
I saw it. So terrible. It's perfect".
Which, hard agree. And just spare
a thought for the opposing team.
Because how could they focus
on the game when,
everywhere they turn,
they see a massive chest Chihuahua
staring directly into their soul?
Then there was the incredible
specificity of Helen McGuckin Night.
What's Helen McGuckin Night?
I'm so glad you asked!
In 2018, the Charleston RiverDogs
received a Google review
from a random woman
named Helen McGuckin
that said "Just drove by",
two out of five stars.
In response,
they devoted an entire night
to trying to impress her
and change her review.
They got hold of her,
and she agreed to come,
but then apparently
she backed out at the last minute.
But, rather than abandon the idea,
they asked their office manager
to play the role of Helen McGuckin.
And even though she was nervous,
they encouraged her by telling her
to "Pretend it's Administrative
Professionals Appreciation Day.
Just be yourself and have fun.
But if people say, 'Hey, Helen!'
feel free to wave at them".
Here she is as Helen McGuckin.
As far as I'm concerned,
she really nailed that role!
To be honest,
for that team's relentless ingenuity,
I give them, unlike Helen,
five fucking stars.
Teams will also sometimes
just change their name
for a night or a handful of games.
The New Hampshire Fischer Cats,
for instance,
are taking a turn this year
as the Space Potatoes.
And the Amarillo Sod Poodles
briefly change their name each year
to the Amarillo Calf Fries,
named after the battered bull testicles
they actually sell at those games.
And in 2018, the Syracuse Chiefs,
now the Syracuse Mets,
played one game
as the Syracuse Devices.
Specifically, the Brannock Device.
And if you think you don't know
what a Brannock Device is,
you're wrong, because
it is this foot measuring thing.
It was invented in Syracuse
and they wanted to pay tribute to it.
Which they did in multiple ways,
from designing this mascot,
to introducing members
of the opposing team on the big screen
by putting their face inside a foot.
Right foot if they're right-handed,
left foot if they're left-handed.
But wait,
'cause it gets one step better.
My absolute favorite rebrand
concerns the Eugene Oregon Emeralds.
They managed
to triple merchandise sales
to nearly a million
dollars in a single season
by occasionally playing
as the Exploding Whales.
Which is already a good name,
but gets even better
when you learn it's a nod
to a notorious 1970s blunder
when a dead, smelly eight-ton whale
washed ashore in Oregon
and the state highway agency
thought it'd be a fine idea
to use explosives
"to blast the carcass to smithereens
and let seagulls take care
of the remains".
This is the whale in question.
And if you've never seen the footage
of what happened next,
I'll let the local news
from back then fill you in.
Our cameras stopped rolling
immediately after the blast.
The humor of the entire situation
suddenly gave way
to a run for survival as huge chunks
of whale blubber fell everywhere.
The dunes were evacuated
as spectators escaped both the falling
debris and the overwhelming smell.
Fortunately no human was hit
as badly as the car.
Everyone on the scene was covered
with small particles of dead whale.
Why would you not name
a Minor League Baseball team
after a historic moment like that?
And while all these rebrandings
have been perfect, I will say:
there have been some recent missteps.
For instance, this year,
the Chesapeake Baysox in Maryland
revealed an alternative identity
as the Oyster Catchers,
which included this logo.
I know, I know, I know!
Fans quickly pointed out
that this part
didn't only look
like an oyster in a baseball glove.
So, the image
was pulled from the team's branding,
with a spokesperson saying
"It's hard to believe,
but after reviewing the logo
both internally and externally,
none of us
saw what the internet saw."
But their fans protested the removal,
with Instagram comments like
"Give us the clam glove
on a fitted New Era or we riot"
and "No merch with the mitoris?
Come oooooon".
They announced plans
to bring the oyster image back
for a limited run of merch,
with a share of proceeds
going to a charity
that fights cervical cancer.
Which feels like everyone involved
fully understood the assignment.
And that is not the only
marketing mistake that happened.
Last year,
the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes
tried to pay tribute
to the look of a mariachi jacket,
by rebranding as the Chaquetas,
only to run into a small problem.
When the team
launched the rebrand in March,
general manager Grant Riddle
says they didn't realize
that the Spanish word for "jackets"
also has another meaning:
slang for masturbation.
They immediately removed the name
from social media for a few hours,
wondering how they missed it.
We developed the brand,
we vetted it,
we took it to our local
Latino Hispanic communities
and said "What do you think?"
And and our families,
in the Major League Baseball,
even the mariachi community,
everybody was like, this is awesome,
like, this is incredible.
Yeah,
I bet they said that!
'Cause I, too, would be saying
"This is incredible!"
if I knew
a professional baseball team
was about to inadvertently
launch a line of jack-off merch.
I love all of this, even the mistakes.
My only real criticism
is that some minor league teams
just aren't really
pulling their weight,
as some are just boringly named
after their major league affiliate,
like the Worcester Red Sox
and the Iowa Cubs.
Others are first-thought choices,
like the Buffalo Bisons
and the St. Paul Saints,
which is pretty disappointing.
Because in not embracing
the glorious eccentricity
of the magnificent league
that they belong to,
they're kind of leaving money
on the table.
And that is where we come in.
Because I have a very special offer.
We are willing to use
all of our resources and stupidity
to give one Minor League Baseball
team a total rebrand.
We will give you a new team name,
a new mascot,
we will even throw you
a theme night.
It will be personalized,
and it will be bespoke.
We will put just as much time,
energy, and research into this
as we do into exposing
the dark underbelly
of America's criminal justice system,
arguably more!
And we'll do this in the spirit
of your team, city,
and the league
to which you belong.
You need to agree to some
very simple terms, the main one being,
you can't ask us any questions,
give us any notes,
and you have to do
what we come up with.
And I know
that that might feel a bit risky.
But don't worry, 'cause we won't
saddle you with oyster genitals,
or make you wear
a floating dog face.
We will not make your new name
explicitly about masturbation.
But we do really,
really want to do this.
So, please, come with me.
Because, frankly,
the way the world is right now,
I'd argue that we all badly,
badly need this.
So, if you are
a Minor League Baseball team,
please reach out to us
at John-Oliver-at-Bunt-Stuffdot-com,
and if we pick you,
and you sign our contract,
I promise, we will rebrand your team
into something so spectacular,
even Helen McGuckin
would love it!
Thank you so much for watching.
See you next week, goodnight!
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week,
from Trump's national security
adviser being pushed out,
to Mark Carney
winning Canada's election.
His conservative opponent
was on course for a massive victory
until his similarities with Trump
became a liability.
And voters this week there
did seem to have that in mind.
I think who I voted for
would be the best
to take care of Trump,
because Trump is,
Do you know
how big an asshole you have to be
to motivate voters
in a place you're not president?
For the next four years,
are we just gonna see angry grandmas
in Monaco in statement eyewear
saying "I'm a three-issue voter:
race cars, casinos, and stopping
whatever dumb shit Trump just said."
But we're gonna dive straight in
with our main story: immigrants.
Once again named group of the year
by Right-Wing Scapegoat Magazine.
While campaigning, Trump promised
a draconian crackdown on migrants.
His administration's made a big show
out of following through on that,
from inviting Dr. Phil
on a ride-along with ICE,
to nauseating social media posts
like this one, titled:
"ASMR:
Illegal Alien Deportation Flight",
featuring sounds of manacles
and handcuffs,
and this one, which is somehow
in even worse taste.
Closing time,
you don't have to go home
but you can't stay here.
I know who I want to take me home.
That is real!
They used "Closing Time"
by Semisonic.
Which, obviously,
isn't the right song choice.
The right song choice
would be no song at all,
because "deportation Instagram reel"
is a combination of words
that should never exist, like:
"Oscar winner Mr. Beast"
or "Stephen Miller nudes",
or "Bill Belichick"
"speaks about his relationship
with 24-year-old girlfriend".
Semisonic denounced that video,
saying:
"We did not authorize or condone
the White House's use of our song.
The song is about joy
and possibilities and hope,
and they have
missed the point entirely".
Of course, they have!
According to the band's drummer,
the song's about
the "anticipation of fatherhood,
a song about being sent forth
from the womb as if
by a bouncer clearing out a bar".
And, obviously, it is.
We all knew
that and got it from the lyrics.
It's closing time, you're a baby,
get out of that uterus,
and finish your whiskey and beer.
You don't have to go home
but you can't stay here.
Seems every day brings terrible news
concerning deportation policies.
Some of which has been so surreal,
news has had to run fact-checks on it,
like in this sponsored segment.
Tonight's "Fact or Fiction" is brought
to you by America's Finest Carpet.
Tonight,
we're looking into a comment
allegedly made by the head of
Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
A story that you may have seen today
claims acting ICE Director Todd Lyons
said that he would like the agency
to be run like Amazon Prime
for human beings.
And this is true.
Yeah! It is true!
And spare a quick thought
for that station and its sponsor,
America's Finest Carpet.
Because verifying ICE's director
wanting to expel humans
with the speed of a pack of emergency
tampons on sameday delivery
clearly isn't what their
"Fact or Fiction" segment is for.
It's for getting to the bottom
of questions that they've answered,
like "Sharks Test Positive
for Cocaine?"
"Woman Arrested
for Cinnamon Roll Attack?"
and "Ford Creates
'Very Gay' Raptor?"
which you'll be pleased to know
was very much: fact.
The intention behind that Amazon Prime
idea gets to something important.
For all this administration's talk
of prioritizing hardened criminals,
it's seemed to value speed, volume,
and spectacle over all else,
perhaps best summed up by the fact,
at a rally on Tuesday,
Trump directed the audience's
attention to a grotesque video
of men getting deported
to a Salvadoran prison,
being marched off an airplane,
and having their heads shaved,
prefacing it by telling
the cheering crowd
those men
were "the worst of the worst."
Despite the fact,
when "60 Minutes" looked into it,
they couldn't find criminal records
for 75% of the men on those flights.
And Trump's own administration
has conceded that at least one man,
Kilmar Abrego Garcia, was sent there
due to an "administrative error".
For weeks now,
it has been scrambling to come up
with reasons why it was okay
to send that man to a foreign prison,
which has been hard for them to do,
given that he had a court order
protecting him from deportation to
El Salvador, and no criminal record.
At one point, Trump posted
a photo of himself holding an image
that had been circulating
online of Abrego Garcia's hand
with labels added suggesting
the tattoos on his knuckles
were somehow secret code
spelling out "MS-13."
Multiple gang experts
have disputed that,
pointing out MS-13 tattoos tend
to feature the letters "M", "S"
and the numbers "1" and "3".
But in an interview on Tuesday, Trump
not only defended posting that image,
he argued that the letters and numbers
that'd clearly been superimposed
were actually tattooed on his hand.
And he refused to let go of that idea
for an agonizingly long time.
And while you may've seen
small clips of this exchange,
it is worth watching
the full 90 seconds,
because it is absolutely incredible.
The man that you picked out
said he wasn't a member of a gang.
And then they looked,
and on his knuckles he had "MS-13".
- There's a dispute over that.
- Wait a minute! He had "MS-13".
He had some tattoos
that are interpreted that way.
Don't do that.
It says M-S-one-three.
- That was Photoshop.
- That was Photoshop?!
You can't do that. They're giving you
the big break of a lifetime.
You're doing the interview.
I picked you because, frankly,
I never heard of you, but that's okay.
- I want to move on to something else.
- Terry!
- Do you want me to show the picture?
- I saw the picture.
- And you think it was Photoshop.
- Here we go.
Go look at his hand.
He did have tattoos
that can be interpreted that way.
- Terry, no!
He had "MS" as clear as you can be.
Not interpreted.
This is why people no longer believe
the news, because it's fake news.
When he was photographed
in El Salvador, they aren't there.
But let's go on. They aren't there
when he's in El Salvador.
They weren't there
but they're there now, right?
They're in your picture.
Ukraine, sir.
- He's got "MS-13" on his knuckles.
- Alright.
- We'll take a look at it.
- You do such a disservice!
Why don't you say "Yes, he does"
It's contested.
Terry. Terry. Terry.
You're in hell, Terry.
Terry, this is hell right now.
I'm genuinely shocked Trump
doesn't drink alcohol,
because that is the most
"drunk at an IHOP" conversation
I think I've ever heard.
And no disrespect to Terry
but maybe don't move on from that.
I know you've got
other questions to get to,
but if the president
of the United States
is trying to tell you this amateur
hour Photoshop is real,
let him go get the picture,
and make him say it again.
Point to that Helvetica-looking "M"
and make the president say
"Yes, I believe that artless 'M'
that's weirdly clearer and darker
than all the other tattoos is real".
Make him say "I believe
that man went to a tattoo parlor
and said
'The skull's pretty spooky,
but what I'd really like
is a neatly-aligned '3'
directly on the bone of my knuckle
and can you please make it
so that it doesn't stretch or bend with
the natural curves of the human hand
and also make it look
like a typewriter did it?'"
Terry, sometimes, when Trump's
doing his normal racist blue-skying,
you do need to cut him off to slow
the flow of hatred into the world,
but if he wants to tell America
that this laughably doctored picture
is evidence of a major
threat to American safety,
you have an obligation
to let the man cook.
And for what it's worth, if Trump
is going to hash out those claims,
he probably should be doing that
in court, not on TV,
and after he's already shipped
someone off to a foreign prison.
Abrego Garcia's one of many horrifying
stories surrounding immigration,
from tourists
being detained for weeks,
to U.S. citizens being caught up
in ICE dragnets, to videos like this.
You can see an agent
using a large hammer
to break the back passenger window
of their car.
Marilu says the agents
were focused on her husband, Juan,
but kept calling him Antonio.
That's the name of another
man who lives in their building.
Thinking this is a case
of mistaken identity,
Juan called his attorney, who told them
to stay in the car until she got there.
Instead of waiting for their lawyer,
the agent smashed the car window,
broke into the vehicle,
and dragged the couple out.
They had no reason to detain him.
We've been following
the rules of this country.
We're doing things the right way.
That's why we have a lawyer.
Right! They're trying
to do things the right way.
We have an asylum process in place,
and while it is not perfect,
I don't think a key step in it is
"guy smashes your car with a hammer
while screaming
someone else's name at you."
But that's just
the tip of the iceberg here.
So, given that, tonight,
let's look at Trump and deportations,
the aggression
of his administration's crackdowns,
its blatant contempt for the law,
and where this could be heading.
Let's start with the fact
Trump's off to a much quicker start
than last time around.
In its first 100 days,
this administration's taken
181 immigration-specific
executive actions,
a sixfold increase over that
same period in Trump's first term.
And that is deliberate.
As the head
of one anti-immigration group
that advises the White House
has put it,
the plan has been to do everything,
all at once, everywhere.
Which sounds
less like rational government policy,
and more like a knockoff DVD
sold on the subway.
And to do that, they've employed
a wide variety of tactics.
Sometimes, they've gotten creative
by looking through old statutes
for cheat codes
to expedite deportations.
We've talked before
about how they've tried
using an obscure provision
of the Immigration and Nationality Act
to remove people if the secretary
of state has reasonable ground
to believe their presence here
would have
potentially serious adverse
foreign policy consequences.
Is the reason they gave for arresting
students like Mahmoud Khalil.
And while that was clearly
a targeted attempt
to frighten students out of voicing
solidarity with Palestine,
they've also
taken much broader swings,
using a federal database
that tracks even the slightest
interactions with law enforcement,
to revoke visas and put thousands
of international students in jeopardy.
And some of the cases
have been truly absurd,
like this grad student who was told
he had 15 days to leave the country.
Suguru Onda, getting a PhD
at Brigham Young University in Utah,
had his legal status in the U.S.
suddenly revoked
after a criminal records check.
But Onda, from Japan,
had no criminal charges on his record,
just two speeding tickets
and a citation
for catching one too many fish,
his attorney says.
That is ridiculous.
If you can be flagged for deportation
for catching one too many fish,
then I truly fear
for Henry Winkler.
We could be days away from seeing
him in an El Salvador prison,
which I'm sure the White House
will then justify
by badly photoshopping an MS-13
tattoo onto his neck.
And while they later reversed
that specific decision,
this all feels
like the inevitable result
of a campaign that fearmongered about
an epidemic of socalled "migrant crime"
which, as we've discussed before,
was wildly overblown.
But having promised mass deportations
and even printed signs
for people to wave
around demanding them,
they're now scrambling to deliver.
While the administration denies it,
ICE officials have reportedly been told
to aggressively ramp up
the number of people they arrest,
from a few hundred per day
to at least 12 to 1,500,
with the idea being
each of the agency's field offices
should make 75 arrests per day.
And for all of this administration's
promises of a "worst-first" strategy,
where they focus
on those with criminal histories,
as a former director of ICE
pointed out three months ago,
that was always unlikely to last.
Sarah Saldana
believes if arrest numbers
don't increase as rapidly
as the administration hopes,
it might abandon
the worst-first strategy
and begin targeting community
locations like day labor sites.
That is really a big concern of mine
because that's not,
that's not, again, a stretch
to think that that might happen next.
If the numbers are not coming through,
let's get the low-hanging fruit.
Right, and you should avoid
low-hanging fruit.
I try to do that. If I were
to constantly go for lowhanging fruit,
I'd say that "worst-first" doesn't
describe Trump's immigration policy
so much as it describes his children,
but again, I've avoided saying that,
because I have standards,
so I won't do it.
And the administration now
seems desperate to scoop anyone up.
Police in places
like upstate New York
have been stopping Hispanic drivers
for minor traffic violations,
and if they're undocumented, handing
them over to Border Patrol agents.
Also, at one point,
tens of thousands of people
received emails
explicitly telling them to:
"Please leave the United States
immediately."
Some of those were sent by mistake
to American citizens,
while others went to migrants
with a legal right to be here.
The fact is, what the administration
is doing is sometimes targeted,
sometimes arbitrary, usually
blatantly racist, and always cruel.
And sometimes, breathtakingly so.
Tonight, the administration is facing
criticism from migrant advocates
over the removal
of two American citizen children
of an undocumented
woman from Honduras,
including her four-year-old son.
A migrant rights group
says he was sent to Honduras
without his medication
for stage-four cancer.
How is going after families with young
kids targeting the worst of the worst?
First of all, we said we're going
to prioritize the worst of the worst.
You feel
like that's what you're doing?
Absolutely.
But when you prioritize something,
it doesn't mean
you forget about everybody else.
If you're in the country illegally,
you're not off the table.
First, Tom Homan
can truly rot in hell.
Though I'd expect nothing less from
a man who clearly answers the question
"What would Shrek
look like as a white ogre?"
And while the government
insists that woman
"chose" to have her son
deported with her,
her lawyers insist that was not,
in fact, the case.
Either way, between the government
putting that kid on a plane
without his medication
and the cuts to research at the NIH,
it seems this administration's actively
coming out "propediatric cancer".
I feel there's a nonzero chance
Trump's about to add a brain tumor
to his cabinet.
And then, presumably, RFK's either
going to eat it or point at it and say
"It's from Wi-Fi."
But one of the boldest moves they've
made to circumvent due process
is invoking what's called
the Alien Enemies Act,
a 1798 law that allows the president
to detain or deport noncitizens,
without a hearing and based only on
their country of birth or citizenship,
if he decides that an invasion
or predatory incursion by that country
is underway.
It was infamously used to justify
the internment of Japanese,
Italian, and German immigrants
in World War II.
But Trump has now invoked it again,
saying it "lets us do a lot of things
we wouldn't be able to do."
He's issued an absurd proclamation
declaring a Venezuelan gang
called Tren de Aragua, or TDA,
has invaded the United States.
And he's used that as a pretext
to sweep people up in raids,
label them as gang members,
and deport them.
Some have been shipped off to CECOT,
a notorious megaLast prison
in El Salvador.
And if you've only seen it
in Trump's propaganda videos,
or in Kristi Noem's
grotesque photoop,
it is worth knowing
just how grim it is in there.
Inmates are assigned
to one of eight sectors,
each roughly
the size of an airplane hangar.
Basically, prisons within the prison.
Once inside,
it's said to be a life sentence.
They'll never leave
their assigned sector.
Each sector holds
more than two dozen large cells,
roughly 80 inmates per cell,
but that can fluctuate.
Inside each cell:
toilets, a concrete basin for bathing,
and a barrel of drinking water,
several rows of metal bunk beds,
no mattresses,
no sheets, no privacy.
It is awful in there.
The Salvadoran Justice
and Security minister has even bragged
that "no one who enters
the CECOT will ever walk out;
they will only be
able to leave in a coffin."
And "you'll only be able
to leave in a coffin"
is a horrifying statement,
no matter where it is.
Even if it was on a sign
outside a literal coffin dealership,
it'd be a bit much.
I get you're trying to make a sale,
but come on, tone it down.
And look, sending anyone
there is unforgivable,
whatever they're accused of.
But it's worth noting we've not
only done it without due process,
in many cases,
we've done it without cause.
Remember,
on those first plane loads,
three-quarters of the people
had no discernible criminal record.
And while Tom Homan has insisted
that that doesn't mean anything,
because "a lot of gang members
don't have criminal histories,"
you clearly shouldn't
be sending people
to a Central American
forever dungeon just on vibes.
And the government's evidence in some
of the cases is just absurdly weak.
Take Andry Hernandez Romero,
a Venezuelan stylist
who was in the middle
of seeking asylum in the U.S.
to escape persecution for his political
views and the fact that he's gay.
Time Magazine photographed him
having his head shaved
upon arrival at CECOT,
with the photographer saying
he was crying for his mother.
And as his lawyer points out,
the evidence the government's
shown to justify that is ridiculous.
In Andry's case,
the only evidence the government
presented in immigration court
were these pictures of his tattoos.
Crowns, which immigration authorities
say can be symbols of Tren de Aragua.
The crowns themselves were
on top of the names of his parents.
The most plausible explanations
are that his mom and dad
are his king and queen.
A Department of Homeland Security
spokeswoman said on social media
that its "intelligence assessments
go beyond gang affiliate tattoos."
She said Andry's "own social media
indicates he is a member
of Tren de Aragua."
We went back a decade
and could only find photos like these.
That is utterly infuriating.
That is your evidence?
What about this man
screams violent gang member?
The only thing I'm confident
he's a genuine threat to
is unaccented cheekbones.
And for what it's worth:
there are no tattoos
that denote membership to TDA.
An expert who wrote the book on them
has said:
"Venezuelan gangs
are not identified by tattoos."
But apparently,
the Trump administration's been relying
on an Alien Enemy Validation Guide,
specifically, its scoring system,
under which eight points are required
for any individual to be identified
as a member of Tren de Aragua.
But that is not a high bar,
as you can get four points
simply for having tattoos denoting
membership or loyalty to TDA,
which, again, is not a thing,
and four points if you display logos
or dress known to indicate
allegiance to TDA,
which can be as simple as being
dressed in high-end urban street wear,
especially basketball jerseys
from the Chicago Bulls.
But that is clearly bullshit,
because if that is all it takes,
then 75% of the city of Chicago
are TDA from October to April.
And somehow
it gets even dumber.
Tattoos and social media were also used
to link another Venezuelan migrant,
Jerce Reyes Barrios,
to the Tren de Aragua gang.
Immigration court documents include
this Facebook post from 14 years ago
showing him flashing
what officers said was a gang sign.
His girlfriend told us
it was all about rock n' roll.
Immigration agents also flagged
Jerce's crown tattoo as a gang symbol.
But they did not mention
the crown is above a soccer ball.
Jerce was a soccer player
in Venezuela.
His lawyer says the tattoo honors
his favorite team, Real Madrid.
That is pathetic.
And as for this picture of Jerce
supposedly throwing up gang signs,
if that were true, Rihanna, Fergie,
and former president George W. Bush
are all Tren de Aragua, too.
But when confronted on this in court,
the government's
been completely unrepentant.
Early on,
they violated a judge's orders
to turn around planes
carrying deportees to El Salvador.
And even after
the Supreme Court explicitly directed
they facilitate Abrego
Garcia's release from custody there,
they've chosen to dick around about the
exact meaning of the word "facilitate".
As for Trump,
when he was pressed on whether
the people he sent to El Salvador
deserved any sort of due process,
We have thousands of people
that are ready to go out,
and you can't have a trial
for all of these people.
And a judge can't say
"No, you have to have a trial,
the trial's gonna take two years".
We're gonna have
very dangerous country
if we're not allowed to do
what we're entitled to do".
But that's not how anything works.
You can't just opt out of due process
because it's inconvenient.
It's why court orders
don't tend to end with:
"If not, no worries!
You do you!"
And the thing is,
this could all get worse.
Because while the courts have tried
to curb Trump's use of these two acts,
they've also seemed to sign off
on a new diabolical strategy
the administration's been using,
involving a decades-old legal provision
called "registration of aliens".
It allows the administration
to require undocumented people
register with the government
and carry proof of that registration.
And it is clearly a trap.
Because if you register, and give
the government all your information,
you become an easy target.
But if you don't,
or are caught not carrying proof,
you can be charged
with a federal misdemeanor,
allowing them to label you a criminal,
and putting you at risk of deportation.
And this is already happening.
People have been charged in Texas
and Arizona using this mechanism.
Basically, they can't find
enough criminals to deport,
so they've found a way to turn
more people into criminals,
so that they suddenly can.
It's a desperate,
but depressingly effective move.
And that's not even getting into
the other plans that they've teased,
from Marco Rubio saying,
"We are actively searching
for other countries to take people",
to the administration floating the idea
of labeling suspected gang members
as "enemy combatants".
They've also tried to stop
anyone who stands in their way,
just last week,
they arrested a judge in Wisconsin
for supposedly helping an immigrant
evade ICE.
And on Thursday,
ICE made a big production
out of serving a search warrant
as part of an investigation into these
fliers that were posted months ago,
with information
about ICE agents on them.
They even released dramatic
footage of them rolling up
to the house of their target's parents,
who were pretty surprised.
Drone video shows ice agents
moving into an Irvine neighborhood.
Annie Yang and Yuzong Chang
are still in shock
after being woken up
by Homeland Security investigators.
Woke up to this.
Neighbors captured video
of the scene outside their home.
They described hearing
"We have a warrant.
Come out with your hands up",
over a loudspeaker.
That never happened to us before.
I feel like I was in a movie set.
It was so unreal.
I'm afraid this is real life.
17 vehicles with armed agents
did a "Zero Dark Thirty"
on a lovable middle-aged couple,
looking for a guy who had put up
fliers warning about ICE overreach.
Fun fact: guess who was on site
for that raid?
The ICE acting director
who said the Amazon Prime thing.
Guess who wasn't there?
The guy they were looking for,
as he apparently moved to New York
last month.
A mistake, for the record,
that Amazon would not make.
And while that's almost
laughably absurd,
it's also, obviously,
scary and extremely dangerous.
And it kind of gets
to the heart of all of this,
which is Trump loudly
selling his supporters
the lie that he'll protect them
from existential threats,
only to further government
overreach and state violence,
even while deporting
makeup artists,
unlucky soccer fans,
and four-year-olds with cancer.
So, what can we do? Some of this
depends on elected leaders.
And to their credit,
a number of prominent Democrats
have gone to El Salvador
to call attention to this,
which is definitely preferable
to the approach that others have taken,
with some anonymous
House Democrats quoted as saying
"Should it be the big issue
for Democrats? Probably not".
And complaining "Rather than talking
about the tariff policy and economy,
we're gonna go take the bait
for one hairdresser."
Which is absolutely enraging.
Especially as many voters
do seem to get the clear problem
with deporting people without
due process to a prison for life,
even in red states.
Here's Chuck Grassley, being
confronted at a town hall in Iowa.
Are you gonna bring that guy back
from El Salvador?
Yeah!
- I'm not going to.
- Why not?
That's not a power of Congress.
Supreme Court
said to bring him back!
If the president
isn't upholding the Constitution.
He's defying the Constitution.
You're on the Judiciary Committee.
Trump don't care!
If I get an order to pay
a ticket for $1,200
and I just say "No",
does that stand up?
'Cause he's got an order
from the Supreme Court
and he's just said "No!"
Exactly! Exactly!
That man who definitely
owes a real $1,200 ticket
is right on the nose there.
The president is clearly not following
the law as he is required to.
If your elected officials
aren't holding town halls,
you can still tell them
you care about this issue.
Call them and say,
if they believe in due process,
they should work
to repeal the Alien Enemies Act,
and amend the part
of Section 237 of the INA
that lets Marco Rubio decide
whose free speech is a threat.
But in the meantime, we're gonna need
to help immigrants defend themselves.
Remember: those immigration court
are not guaranteed a lawyer.
And if they don't have one,
their chances are basically zero.
So, if you can, it is worth
supporting nonprofits like these
that provide legal services
for immigrants,
or local ones in your community.
This is an issue where I think there
is a practical value to public protest.
Because this is going to be
in the courts.
And those inside them need to be
made aware of public opinion on this,
'cause it can make a difference.
Former Supreme Court Chief Justice
William Rehnquist once wrote that
"No honorable judge
would ever cast his vote
because he thought the majority of the
public wanted him to vote that way",
but that in certain cases,
judges are undeniably
"influenced by the great tides
of public opinion".
And I would argue,
the moment we're in right now
isn't just worthy of a great tide,
it is worthy of a fucking tsunami.
Because this is an absolute outrage,
and it is one where it is important
to remind our elected leaders
that all people are worthy of safety,
protection, and due process.
Because that is indisputably,
in the words of this country's
single weirdest carpet-sponsored
local-news segment, a fucking fact.
And now, this!
And Now:
Local News Celebrates
the Dumbest of Holidays.
National Shrimp
Scampi Day. Very niche.
I love shrimp scampi.
I love a good shrimp dish.
I feel like with pasta's my favorite.
I don't know if that's really basic,
just like a fettuccine with shrimp.
That's not basic at all.
It is National Shrimp Scampi Day.
- Shrimp Scampi Day.
- Nice.
Shrimp Scampi Day.
I'm just stuck on that.
Man! If somebody's
doing some deals around town,
I feel like we'd get pretty lucky
if we found that.
So, dig in
and don't scrimp on the shrimp.
I bet if shrimp could have TVs,
they would love
to watch "Prawn Stars".
Who wrote this script?
- Shrimp scampi.
- You can have mine.
You're not eating
the shrimp scampi? Why?
I'm not into seafood that much.
Got some shrimp at home
that's begging to be scampi'd.
- Yep, scampi it up.
- I'll scampi it up tonight, maybe.
1992 on this date,
the riots in L.A. began,
following the acquittal
of police officers
charged with excessive force
in the beating of Rodney King.
Moving on. Finally, tonight,
a quick word about baseball:
America's official national pastime.
Not to be confused
with its unofficial national pastime:
clicking "remind me later"
on software updates.
Specifically, we're gonna talk
about Minor League Baseball,
the network of teams that function
as a farm system for players.
There are currently
120 full-season minor league teams,
each affiliated
with a major league one.
And if you have one in your town,
you may be familiar with them,
thanks to eyecatching
promotions like this one last year,
from the Lake County Captains
in Ohio.
We thought, why don't we rip out
two sections and put in toilets!
And work with Roto-Rooter,
and that's what we did!
Can I be so bold as to ask
why you went with a toilet seat?
'Cause it's amazing.
It's hilarious.
I was trying to see
if we could use 'em.
I love all of that.
From the fact that he's wearing
a T-shirt that says "bunt stuff",
to the toilets themselves,
which look less like stadium seating
and more like a production number
from an all-toilet version
of "A Chorus Line".
And while they might
not be functional,
that guy there seems
two White Claws away from saying,
"Fuck it,
I'm taking a dump here anyway".
Minor League Baseball
teams are really good at publicity.
They kind of have to be,
as while their player contracts
are handled by major league teams,
they're responsible
for many other operating costs,
which can be significant.
They go out of their way to try
and grab people's attention,
starting with eye-catching team names,
like the Hub City Spartan Burgers,
or the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp,
or the Modesto Nuts.
Those are just the ones
named after food.
There's also
the Richmond Flying Squirrels,
the Lehigh Valley Ironpigs,
and the Binghamton Rumble Ponies.
"Rumble pony" sounds less
like the name of a baseball team,
and more like Australian slang
for a bike.
"G'day, mate, peddling the heck
out of the ol' rumble pony right now!
I'm bloody knackered!"
The names of minor league teams
have gotten even more creative,
as they've discovered that a flashy
reboot can really boost ticket sales.
Here's a marketing exec
with one team in Alabama,
explaining the gamble that they took
on a team name that really paid off.
The ownership group hesitated a lot
using the word "trash" in their name.
"I don't want trash to be associated
with our name.
That's not gonna be a good look.
It's not gonna sell."
But, did it sell. The Rocket
City Trash Pandas with their logo
featuring a raccoon
in a trash can rocket ship exploded.
We sold $2.3 million in merchandise
before playing a Trash Pandas game.
Of course you did!
I cannot believe that ownership group
fought that idea for a single second.
Because if you told me "My idea
for making people buy things
is to put a raccoon
in a trash can rocket ship",
my first, second,
and third reaction would be
"Good idea.
You're about to be a billionaire."
Because you can't not buy merch
like that once you know it exists.
Case in point:
go Trash Pandas! TPs for life!
And beyond rebrandings,
teams also throw theme nights
that can be both weird
and incredible.
The now-defunct Lowell Spinners
once held a Bubble Wrap Night
where nearly 3,700 fans
popped bubble wrap at the same time.
Do you want to hear what
it sounded like? Of course you do!
Okay, ready, set, go!
Listen to that popping!
Perfect idea,
flawless execution.
And if you're thinking:
wasn't that quite a lot to go through
to produce a sound best described
as "sizzling fajita plate?"
Shut the fuck up!
Let things be fun!
But that is not all, one night,
the El Paso Chihuahuas
played a whole game
in this absolutely unhinged jersey
that led their own general manager
to say:
"I'll never forget the first time
I saw it. So terrible. It's perfect".
Which, hard agree. And just spare
a thought for the opposing team.
Because how could they focus
on the game when,
everywhere they turn,
they see a massive chest Chihuahua
staring directly into their soul?
Then there was the incredible
specificity of Helen McGuckin Night.
What's Helen McGuckin Night?
I'm so glad you asked!
In 2018, the Charleston RiverDogs
received a Google review
from a random woman
named Helen McGuckin
that said "Just drove by",
two out of five stars.
In response,
they devoted an entire night
to trying to impress her
and change her review.
They got hold of her,
and she agreed to come,
but then apparently
she backed out at the last minute.
But, rather than abandon the idea,
they asked their office manager
to play the role of Helen McGuckin.
And even though she was nervous,
they encouraged her by telling her
to "Pretend it's Administrative
Professionals Appreciation Day.
Just be yourself and have fun.
But if people say, 'Hey, Helen!'
feel free to wave at them".
Here she is as Helen McGuckin.
As far as I'm concerned,
she really nailed that role!
To be honest,
for that team's relentless ingenuity,
I give them, unlike Helen,
five fucking stars.
Teams will also sometimes
just change their name
for a night or a handful of games.
The New Hampshire Fischer Cats,
for instance,
are taking a turn this year
as the Space Potatoes.
And the Amarillo Sod Poodles
briefly change their name each year
to the Amarillo Calf Fries,
named after the battered bull testicles
they actually sell at those games.
And in 2018, the Syracuse Chiefs,
now the Syracuse Mets,
played one game
as the Syracuse Devices.
Specifically, the Brannock Device.
And if you think you don't know
what a Brannock Device is,
you're wrong, because
it is this foot measuring thing.
It was invented in Syracuse
and they wanted to pay tribute to it.
Which they did in multiple ways,
from designing this mascot,
to introducing members
of the opposing team on the big screen
by putting their face inside a foot.
Right foot if they're right-handed,
left foot if they're left-handed.
But wait,
'cause it gets one step better.
My absolute favorite rebrand
concerns the Eugene Oregon Emeralds.
They managed
to triple merchandise sales
to nearly a million
dollars in a single season
by occasionally playing
as the Exploding Whales.
Which is already a good name,
but gets even better
when you learn it's a nod
to a notorious 1970s blunder
when a dead, smelly eight-ton whale
washed ashore in Oregon
and the state highway agency
thought it'd be a fine idea
to use explosives
"to blast the carcass to smithereens
and let seagulls take care
of the remains".
This is the whale in question.
And if you've never seen the footage
of what happened next,
I'll let the local news
from back then fill you in.
Our cameras stopped rolling
immediately after the blast.
The humor of the entire situation
suddenly gave way
to a run for survival as huge chunks
of whale blubber fell everywhere.
The dunes were evacuated
as spectators escaped both the falling
debris and the overwhelming smell.
Fortunately no human was hit
as badly as the car.
Everyone on the scene was covered
with small particles of dead whale.
Why would you not name
a Minor League Baseball team
after a historic moment like that?
And while all these rebrandings
have been perfect, I will say:
there have been some recent missteps.
For instance, this year,
the Chesapeake Baysox in Maryland
revealed an alternative identity
as the Oyster Catchers,
which included this logo.
I know, I know, I know!
Fans quickly pointed out
that this part
didn't only look
like an oyster in a baseball glove.
So, the image
was pulled from the team's branding,
with a spokesperson saying
"It's hard to believe,
but after reviewing the logo
both internally and externally,
none of us
saw what the internet saw."
But their fans protested the removal,
with Instagram comments like
"Give us the clam glove
on a fitted New Era or we riot"
and "No merch with the mitoris?
Come oooooon".
They announced plans
to bring the oyster image back
for a limited run of merch,
with a share of proceeds
going to a charity
that fights cervical cancer.
Which feels like everyone involved
fully understood the assignment.
And that is not the only
marketing mistake that happened.
Last year,
the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes
tried to pay tribute
to the look of a mariachi jacket,
by rebranding as the Chaquetas,
only to run into a small problem.
When the team
launched the rebrand in March,
general manager Grant Riddle
says they didn't realize
that the Spanish word for "jackets"
also has another meaning:
slang for masturbation.
They immediately removed the name
from social media for a few hours,
wondering how they missed it.
We developed the brand,
we vetted it,
we took it to our local
Latino Hispanic communities
and said "What do you think?"
And and our families,
in the Major League Baseball,
even the mariachi community,
everybody was like, this is awesome,
like, this is incredible.
Yeah,
I bet they said that!
'Cause I, too, would be saying
"This is incredible!"
if I knew
a professional baseball team
was about to inadvertently
launch a line of jack-off merch.
I love all of this, even the mistakes.
My only real criticism
is that some minor league teams
just aren't really
pulling their weight,
as some are just boringly named
after their major league affiliate,
like the Worcester Red Sox
and the Iowa Cubs.
Others are first-thought choices,
like the Buffalo Bisons
and the St. Paul Saints,
which is pretty disappointing.
Because in not embracing
the glorious eccentricity
of the magnificent league
that they belong to,
they're kind of leaving money
on the table.
And that is where we come in.
Because I have a very special offer.
We are willing to use
all of our resources and stupidity
to give one Minor League Baseball
team a total rebrand.
We will give you a new team name,
a new mascot,
we will even throw you
a theme night.
It will be personalized,
and it will be bespoke.
We will put just as much time,
energy, and research into this
as we do into exposing
the dark underbelly
of America's criminal justice system,
arguably more!
And we'll do this in the spirit
of your team, city,
and the league
to which you belong.
You need to agree to some
very simple terms, the main one being,
you can't ask us any questions,
give us any notes,
and you have to do
what we come up with.
And I know
that that might feel a bit risky.
But don't worry, 'cause we won't
saddle you with oyster genitals,
or make you wear
a floating dog face.
We will not make your new name
explicitly about masturbation.
But we do really,
really want to do this.
So, please, come with me.
Because, frankly,
the way the world is right now,
I'd argue that we all badly,
badly need this.
So, if you are
a Minor League Baseball team,
please reach out to us
at John-Oliver-at-Bunt-Stuffdot-com,
and if we pick you,
and you sign our contract,
I promise, we will rebrand your team
into something so spectacular,
even Helen McGuckin
would love it!
Thank you so much for watching.
See you next week, goodnight!