Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (2014) s12e17 Episode Script

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy, busy week!
Trump claimed he totally "obliterated"
Iran's nuclear program,
which it seems he very much
did not do,
the Supreme Court continued trying
to turn back the clock to the 1860s,
and here in New York, Zohran Mamdani
won the Democratic primary for mayor,
defeating, among others,
Andrew Cuomo and Brad Lander,
who gave the most upbeat
concession speech imaginable.
Andrew Cuomo is in the past,
he is not the present or future
of New York City.
Good fucking riddance!
Yes, I love everything about that,
including the way he says
"New York City!"
He should be the announcer
on one of the Statue of Liberty ferries.
"Ladies and gentlemen, look to your left
as we make this turn: New York City!"
"Andrew Cuomo, eat shit!"
And while there'll clearly
be more to say
about the mayoral race
going forward,
for now, we're gonna dive straight in
with our main story tonight,
which concerns a piece of legislation
dear to President Trump's heart.
The One Big Beautiful Bill is among
the most important pieces of legislation
in our country's history.
I don't think there's ever been
anything bigger.
And I said, "Let's make it one big,
beautiful bill."
We're voting essentially on the big,
beautiful,
that gorgeous, big,
beautiful bill.
Stop it, stop it right now!
First, the One Big Beautiful Bill sounds
either like a lumberjack
with an OnlyFans page,
or a PornHub tab for people
who come to toucans.
But it is truly massive,
and it's currently moving
through Congress,
after passing the House
by the narrowest of margins.
With cheers of "USA,"
House Republicans passed
their sweeping version
of the president's agenda.
Republicans in the House
held two overnight sessions.
In the end, Speaker Johnson eked out
his biggest victory yet,
winning by a single vote,
though the dark of night cost him
one member
who would have voted yes,
overslept, and missed it.
It's true, it passed by a single vote,
even though one representative,
Andrew Garbarino, slept through it.
Which is a little surprising,
given his official portrait seems
less sleepy
and more "high on expired
cough medicine."
The bill's currently in the Senate,
and Trump is pushing them to pass
their version as soon as possible,
posting, "To my friends in the Senate,
lock yourself in a room if you must,"
"don't go home, pass it,
immediately."
"No one goes on vacation
until it's done."
This whole process has been rushed
to the point some House members
who voted for the bill
later had to admit
that they hadn't read all of it.
Marjorie Taylor Greene,
arguably one of the worst things
to come out of Georgia
since the Trail of Tears,
was upset when she learned
the House version included a provision
prohibiting states from restricting AI
for the next 10 years.
This past week, I have
come out in full transparency
and said when I voted
for the One Big Beautiful Bill,
I didn't know
about this clause.
Yeah, that's not great!
Although, to be fair,
who among us hasn't approved
things we haven't read properly?
It's why none of you noticed Apple's
new terms and conditions
technically give them rights
to your first born child. It is true.
Tim Cook is pulling a Rumpelstiltskin
right now.
And he's coming for them as soon as
they can hold a tiny little screwdriver.
But a lot of people don't know
what's in this bill.
About two-thirds of the public say
they've heard little or nothing about it,
but when they do,
they don't like it,
as polls show those who've heard
a great deal or good amount about it
oppose it by a roughly
two-to-one margin.
Even some Senate Republicans
will admit
that not all their colleagues
are thrilled about the bill's contents.
We could spend four weeks,
we could spend four years,
and when we're done,
not every Republican senator is gonna
want to French-kiss this final product.
It's just not gonna happen.
That is such a weird way to phrase that!
Why would you force us all to imagine
lawmakers tonguing a stack of paper?
But as regular viewers know,
Kennedy loves gratuitous sex talk,
from inserting the phrase
"I like omelets better than sex"
into a discussion about,
and this is true, USAID cuts,
to this memorable moment.
I can't wait to have your cock
in my mouth.
It's always, always good!
And it is important to remember that,
in the records of Congress,
there is an answer to the question,
"What if Foghorn Leghorn
was a power bottom?"
And look, as of taping,
the bill still needs to clear the Senate
and then go back to the House.
And things are still coming in
and out of it.
But the broad contours are clear:
it is a massive redistribution
of wealth upward,
accompanied by gigantic cuts to critical
programs for the most vulnerable.
So given that, tonight, let's talk
about the One Big Beautiful Bill:
what it contains,
and what it will actually do.
And let's start with the fact,
when Trump talks about this bill,
the main thing he emphasizes
is that it will extend the tax cuts
Republicans passed in 2017,
and add some more, which he claims
will be good for everyone.
The White House recently said it'll
"deliver a blue-collar boom," all caps.
Which sounds like a new special
at IHOP
tied to the "Smurfs" movie that'll
make you immediately shit yourself.
But that is more
than a little misleading.
Because while the bill does contain
tax cuts for basically everyone,
their benefits are massively
concentrated
among the wealthiest Americans.
In fact, 60% of the tax cuts would go
to the top 20% of households.
And you should know, just about
every independent analysis agrees
this bill would add trillions
to the national debt.
And to the extent the bill's tax cuts
are gonna be paid for at all,
it'll be through slashing programs
that benefit the poor.
And I want to talk about
two key areas they're targeting:
healthcare and food assistance.
When it comes to healthcare, there
are lots of cuts, both big and small.
For instance, the bill fails to extend
tax credits for healthcare premiums
under the ACA, while adding
burdensome paperwork
that'd make it hard for people to remain
on the plans they already have.
And I know that might not sound
like much to you,
but it's estimated those tweaks alone
will lead to 4.2 million people
becoming uninsured.
Which makes them
pretty consequential tweaks.
It'd be like changing "RuPaul's Drag
Race" to "Rand Paul's Drag Race".
You can call it just a tweak, but it's
about to make everything way worse.
But the big target here is Medicaid,
the public insurance program providing
health coverage to, among others,
people with low incomes
and disabilities,
though this bill's defenders
will insist Medicaid is safe.
I'm gonna say this very clearly.
Our legislation preserves Medicaid,
strengthens Medicaid for the people
who actually need it and deserve it.
Look, we're gonna do everything
we can to strengthen Medicaid,
to preserve it for those
who need it the most.
Medicare, Medicaid,
none of that stuff is gonna be touched.
Okay, but there's a few problems there,
starting with the fact following through
on a promise not to touch something
has never exactly been one
of Trump's strong suits.
Also, the math just doesn't support
those claims.
As one analysis puts it,
"Major Medicaid cuts are the only way
to meet
House budget resolution requirements."
And the big way this bill tries to do
that is by adding "work requirements"
for many low-income recipients
who got coverage
under Medicaid expansion,
effectively removing a lot of them
from the rolls.
Basically, under the bill,
to get Medicaid,
they'd have to prove they worked,
volunteered,
or went to school for 80 hours
a month.
That alone is projected to cause
over five million Americans to lose
coverage by the end of the decade.
Though, to hear Mike Johnson tell it,
that's just not a problem,
because they're just targeting
one specific group.
You don't want able-bodied workers
on a program that is intended,
for example, for single mothers
with two small children
who's just trying to make it.
That's what Medicaid is for.
Not for 29-year-old males sitting on
their couches playing video games.
We're gonna find those guys, and
we're gonna send them back to work.
"29-year-old males sitting
on the couch playing video games?"
How is it possible that Mike Johnson
always sounds so old
and out of touch, while also managing
to look like a 12-year-old
who dressed up as Stephen Colbert
for Halloween?
The problem with that argument is that
most Medicaid enrollees are working.
The most recent data shows
that nearly two in three work.
And most of the rest have a disability,
are caring for family members,
or are attending school.
And yet, Republicans won't stop
painting lurid scenarios
of Medicaid freeloaders.
For instance, here's the current head
of Medicare and Medicaid services,
who, remember, is inexplicably Dr. Oz,
unloading the single weirdest
hypothetical
you will ever hear in your life.
Here's the metaphor.
You get home at night,
and there's someone sitting
on your couch in the basement.
You don't know them. But they have
health insurance that you're paying for.
And you say, "Listen, to keep
this health insurance,
I want you to apply for a job.
You don't have to work. Just apply
for a job, go get an education,
volunteer somewhere,
be involved in the community,
or take care of one of the kids
in the family, help out a little bit."
If they say no, you say, "Well,
I'm taking your insurance away."
That's not an unreasonable deal
to make.
Okay, let's just pause together
for a moment
and unpack what he just described.
In that scenario, you get home
at night to find a complete stranger
sitting on your couch in your basement.
Naturally, the first thing they say is,
"Hi, I have health insurance
that you're paying for."
But instead of screaming and
immediately calling 911,
you calmly say, "Okay, person
I've never seen before,
I'll let you keep the health insurance
I just found out I'm paying for,
without asking who you are
or how you got into my house.
My one and only requirement
is that you apply for a job.
You can use my wi-fi, as apparently
you live in my basement now,
and that's a reality
I've quickly accepted.
Or you can go get an education,
or volunteer,
or take care of one of my kids.
Naturally, I'd trust you, a complete
stranger unexpectedly in my home,
with the lives of my children."
And then this individual says, "No, that
doesn't seem reasonable to me."
So you say, "Okay, well,
you leave me with no other option:
I'm gonna have to take
your insurance away.
Obviously, you can still live
in my house,
that goes without saying,
you're family now,
but you'll have to find a way to pay
for your own health insurance.
That's not an unreasonable deal
to make."
But honestly, the weirdness of that
scenario is actually preferable
to what it sounds like when Dr. Oz
gives you a glimpse
into what he really thinks
work requirements are for.
I have confidence
in the American people.
You give people a chance to work,
and we know we have
twice as many jobs as there
are people looking for them.
Go out there, do the entry-level jobs,
get into the workforce, prove that you
matter, get agency into your own life.
It's a much more enjoyable experience
if you're going through life
thinking that you control your destiny,
and you'll get better insurance
at the same time.
Hold on, "prove that you matter"?
So, a person only means
something if they work?
That is not true at all.
In fact, if ever there were proof that
you can work for decades
while adding exactly zero value
to society, it is Dr. Oz himself,
who, as we've mentioned before,
once did an episode of his show
where he asked Cameron Diaz this.
Does this ever happen to you?
Luckily, no, I'm not a girl
that gets constipated.
That is the perfect facial response to
that. That was on daytime television!
That played in restaurants
and waiting rooms!
And as if work requirements
weren't bad enough,
many are worried that federal cuts
to Medicaid will mean that states
are likely to cut things like home
and community-based supports,
which will have huge consequences
for those who rely on those services
to literally keep them alive,
as they have been trying
to make people understand.
20% of Erie County residents
receive Medicaid services,
including more than 100,000 children.
But that funding is now in jeopardy.
Advocates for people with disabilities
say cuts to Medicaid could mean
cuts to home healthcare,
services that literally enable some
residents to get out of bed each day.
I really truly believe
that without Medicaid,
without my direct care workers,
my personal care assistants,
I would be dead.
Yeah. That woman clearly deserves to
have healthcare that keeps her alive.
Even in the insane theoretical situation
that she's somehow moved
into someone's basement with
no warning, which, to be clear,
has never happened to anyone
and never will,
that would still be the case.
And as if that weren't bad enough,
and it really is,
is worth noting, people not on Medicaid
will be affected, too,
as it's a major source of funding
for hospitals across the country.
So, with these cuts, rural hospitals
are likely to be forced to reduce
the services they offer, cut staff,
or close altogether.
And when you take all of the bill's
provisions concerning healthcare,
the CBO estimates they'll result
in 16 million more uninsured people
in the year 2034 than would
otherwise be the case.
And it is not like people haven't tried
to warn Republicans
of the consequences here.
A few weeks ago, we showed you
this clip of Joni Ernst delivering
a bonkers response to concerned
constituents at a town hall.
- People will die!
- Well, we all are going to die.
For heaven's sakes, folks.
Yeah, it's pretty bad!
But incredibly, it's still not as bad
as the sarcastic follow-up video
that she posted the next day.
Hello, everyone. I would like to take
this opportunity to sincerely apologize
for a statement that I made yesterday
at my town hall.
I made an incorrect assumption
that everyone in the auditorium
understood that, yes, we are all going
to perish from this earth.
So, I apologize.
And I'm really, really glad that I did
not have to bring up the subject
of the Tooth Fairy as well.
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
First, did you actually drive
to a cemetery
for your fun little video there?
And second, no one was under
the impression that we're all immortal.
Nor do we think the Tooth Fairy is
real, nor, indeed, the Easter Bunny.
Now, do I happen to believe
that leprechauns exist?
Yes, but that's because of a personal
experience I once had in Dublin.
I don't want to get into it now.
Suffice to say, I'm down one pot
of gold, and I know what I saw.
But in any case, the problem isn't
being naive to the concept of death.
It's that this bill could make people
die sooner than they otherwise would.
So, that is healthcare.
What about the other crucial program
on the chopping block here,
involving food?
Well, this bill also includes
massive cuts to SNAP,
the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance
Program, or food stamps.
Currently, more than 41 million people
receive benefits through it,
it's the nation's
largest food aid program.
And this bill would reduce federal
spending on SNAP by $287 billion
over 10 years.
Like the Medicaid cuts,
a lot of that is being done through
work requirements.
SNAP already has those, but the bill's
about to expand them significantly,
including raising the age limit
at which they apply from 54
all the way up to 64.
The Senate's version would also strip
exemptions from work requirements
for veterans,
people experiencing homelessness,
and former foster youth. And guess
who is completely fine with all that?
If you're gonna get free food
on a SNAP program,
you have a work requirement.
It's an obligation to try to work.
You might not get a job,
but you gotta try.
Yeah, Dr. Oz is back
with his pull-yourself-up-by-your
own-connections-to-Oprah bullshit.
That man is a real piece of shit.
Which piece of shit?
Who can say exactly?
One estimate found more than five
million people would be at risk
of losing at least
some of their food assistance.
And on top of that, for the first time,
the bill would require states to pay
a portion of SNAP benefits
and cover more administrative costs.
In fact, the CBO estimated
that in a 10-year period,
this would shift about $121 billion
in costs to state governments.
Which has a lot of people worried,
because states may not be able
to afford that,
and those added costs could force
them to shrink SNAP eligibility
or even leave the program altogether.
And it is not like food banks
can easily pick up the slack here,
as the head of one in Iowa
will tell you.
SNAP is the most effective tool that
we have to fight hunger
in the United States.
River Bend Food Bank president
Chris Ford says,
for every meal his food bank provides,
SNAP gives out nine meals.
We would not be able to meet
the needs of all those individuals.
It would be unprecedented times
for food banks.
Yeah, it's not great to hear the phrase
"unprecedented times for food banks,"
given they just survived
a global pandemic.
In the same way that I'd be nervous
to hear it's going to be
an "unprecedented year
for Katy Perry."
What more can possibly happen to her?
She went to space and fumbled
this historic baddie.
Orlando, I need you
to contact me urgently,
one of my writers is single
and is pointing a loaded gun at me
as I read this to you.
And at this point, it is worth pausing
to explain what's really going on here,
with both Medicaid, and SNAP.
Because even if you are thinking, "Well,
maybe work requirements are needed,
and limits should be put on
who gets these benefits,"
there are some important things
you should know.
First, study after study has shown
"work requirements
do not increase work".
What they do cause is large drops
in program participation,
including, crucially, a lot of people
who are actually still eligible
to receive help.
And the reason for that is something
called administrative burdens.
Basically, all the obstacles
between someone
and a program they're qualified
to receive, from paperwork,
to interviews, to regular check-ins
and recertification,
which can wind up kicking them off.
This happens much more
than you'd think.
One survey of people who were eligible
for, but not participating in SNAP
found that 40% were deterred
by the paperwork involved
and another 37% noted
that the application was
too time-consuming given their family
and work responsibilities.
And SNAP's administrative burdens
have meant
that even those who do keep trying
can still wind up going without,
as this couple with five children
learned during the pandemic.
For a family of seven to qualify, their
income needs to be under $52,000.
What's your best estimate
of your yearly income now?
It's like 20,000 or under.
For the two of you, that's combined.
That's combined.
You've applied for the SNAP program?
We've been denied several times.
It said that I need to turn in
verifications of end of employment
for jobs that Barry hasn't had in years.
Company doesn't even exist
anymore.
Has it been hard to get people
on the phone?
Yes, yes.
Yeah, no shit! I have no idea
how I'd get the last company
I worked for on the phone either,
especially as that company
was AT&T.
I guess my best bet for contacting them
would probably be to whisper
my complaint into a bottle
and throw it into the Hudson River.
I can't see any other way.
So, basically, this bill is taking
all that bureaucratic bullshit
and somehow making it even worse.
And Republicans will insist these
new work requirements will work,
and that no one truly deserving
will be left behind,
but we know that is not true.
And maybe the best way to show
this is to look at Georgia,
and a state program called
Pathways to Coverage.
It's a program that rolled out there
a few years ago,
and Republicans apparently used it
"as a possible template
for restructuring Medicaid."
Pathways offers health insurance
with work requirements,
and it launched with testimonials
from people like this man,
who owns an auto repair shop.
I became a member of Pathways
in the last year.
Pathways is a great program
that offers insurance to low-income
and working professionals
such as myself.
And I highly recommend it because
again it offers that avenue
for you to have health insurance
where you otherwise would not.
Now, on its face, that sounds good!
A working man getting
health insurance.
Dr. Oz would call him
"someone who matters,"
Mike Johnson would call him
"not 29 and playing Halo",
so both would presumably think he's
a good candidate for health insurance.
It's no wonder he became
the "de facto face of the program."
Unfortunately, it quickly became clear
Pathways had significant problems,
particularly regarding how its work
requirement was getting administered.
People 50 and older had an especially
hard time proving
they met the requirements,
which forced them to provide
paperwork verifying their work status
every single month.
That can be hard, especially
if you're not computer savvy
or don't have reliable internet.
There were stories like the man who had
to spend more than an hour every month
uploading employment documents
to reconfirm his eligibility,
often using the free wi-fi
at his public library.
And this director of a clinic
for low-income patients reported
that none of her patients had enrolled,
and she wasn't surprised.
The qualifications are just too steep.
You know, I have patients that I have
to put "A" on the pill bottles
if they take them in the morning,
and "P" on the pill bottles
if they take them at night.
And you expect these people
to be able to upload documents
and renew their health insurance
monthly? It's not gonna work.
She's right. Benevolent Anna Wintour
is right.
Because just think about it,
no matter who you are,
uploading documents can be
challenging.
Have you ever tried to upload
new patient forms
to a doctor's online portal?
It is a nightmare.
You click the "upload" button
and select the PDF of your form,
but then the site says something like,
"PDF files not accepted,
please upload dot-GOLP files"
except you've never heard
of GOLP files before.
So, you Google,
"How do you convert PDF to GOLP,"
and the results say you need
an app called
"GOLP Transformer" that costs 9.99,
and so you go back and search,
"Free PDF to GOLP converter,"
and finally find a site that says
you can do it with Adobe Acrobat,
but first you have to convert
the PDF to a MOOX file,
and then convert the MOOX
to a GOLP.
But at that point, you just throw your
fucking computer out the window.
Even people savvy enough to navigate
Georgia's system found it hard.
One single mother wasn't able to enroll
because she said the portal crashed
each of the three times
she tried to apply,
and after calling the customer
service line, she bounced around
from "one robot voice to another"
before ultimately giving up.
Even that repair-shop owner
had his benefits canceled,
twice, due to bureaucratic red tape.
He described one of those times
saying, "My head exploded.
I didn't get a text or an email.
I did what I was supposed to do,
but that wasn't good enough."
Which is a pretty startling U-turn from
the "face of Pathways to Coverage."
It'd be like Jane Goodall suddenly
saying,
"You know what? Fuck chimpanzees!
They're stupid, hairy assholes,
and if I could strangle every one until
they went extinct, I would."
Jesus Christ, Jane!
What happened?
And this administrative clusterfuck
wasn't cheap, either.
By the end of last year,
the Pathways program cost
federal and state taxpayers
more than $86 million,
three-quarters of which had gone
to consultants,
and 18 months into the program,
a mere 6,500 participants
had enrolled.
And remember, that's the program
Republicans apparently modeled
their new Medicaid policy on.
So, if that's what's coming
on a national scale,
that is fucking terrifying.
As one source put it to us, "The term
people use is 'work requirements,'
but that's a misnomer,
you should really think of it
as a 'paperwork requirement.'"
And look, I would say that eligible
people losing coverage
is an unintended consequence,
but I think it's the whole point here.
Because the vast majority of cost
savings that you're getting
from instituting something
like a work requirement
don't come from kicking people off
Medicaid and SNAP who don't qualify.
They come from kicking off people
who do,
but who now can't get it because
of the burdens you've put in place.
It's death by a thousand cuts.
And the true hypocrisy is, it's not like
Republicans aren't up in arms
about administrative burdens
in other contexts.
Because when it comes
to regulations on businesses,
they just never shut the fuck up
about it.
I was tired of hearing small businesses
say we can hardly make it
because of the stack of paper
we have to fill out.
Every hour spent on paperwork
is an hour not spent
on growing their business.
This paperwork and red tape will bury
workers and businesses
trying to make a living.
Small businesses continuously list
Washington red tape and regulation
as a top issue, keeping them
from growing,
and in too many cases,
simply surviving.
You know, it is pretty striking how
horrified Joni Ernst sounds
at the idea of businesses
struggling to survive,
but when it comes to vulnerable human
beings, all of a sudden, she's like,
"You know what, grow up,
death happens,
worms will eventually eat
everything you love,
someday a real rain's gonna wash
the scum from these streets,
Ernst 2026: we're all gonna die."
And look, I get that red tape can be
a problem for businesses.
But this is medicine for the sick,
and food for the hungry.
The stakes are just higher.
And the burdens this bill is about
to impose won't just be kicking
29-year-old gamers and Dr. Oz's
imaginary basement-squatters
off the rolls, they could impact
single moms, working people,
and those who fear that they would
be dead without assistance.
Right now, Republicans are trying
to rush this bill through,
because they know how toxic it is.
It may have even passed the Senate
by the time you are watching this.
And while I know there is
a lot going on right now,
it is worth paying attention
to this bill,
because if it becomes law,
we're gonna be looking back on it
decades from now,
the same way we look back at all the
destructive shit that Reagan did.
And when that happens, Republicans
cannot say they didn't know
what was in it, or what it would do.
Everyone who votes for this
should be held accountable.
Or, to put it in terms
that John Kennedy can understand,
if you're gonna vote for this bill,
you better French-kiss it.
Hell, you might as well put
its whole cock in your mouth.
Because you're gonna be married
to it for the rest of your fucking life.
And now, this.
And Now: Dr. Oz shows off
the dignity of work.
Let's start with our first dilemma,
which is vacation constipation.
But the question is, how long
is too long to hold your pee?
So, when are you most gassy?
Well, so do you ever have discomfort
when it's popping out?
Do you ever hear it hitting the water
as it comes out of you?
This is the anus.
This is a real uterus.
There you have it right there,
the urine.
I'm gonna take you from the face
to inside the lower rectum.
Talking about flatulence, of course.
What was the FART score for one
of those tiny little toys
that I just swallowed?
When's it coming out of me?
Take the testicles in your hand like
this. You notice there are two of them.
Pretend that didn't happen.
Urine has always fascinated me.
Urine, by the way, if you haven't
had anything fancy,
has a sort of a nutty smell to it,
and that sort of tastes like that too.
Moving on. Finally tonight, a quick
update about Minor League Baseball.
A lot has happened since
we last talked about it.
In fact, a few weeks ago,
there was even a small business
subcommittee hearing called
"Beyond the Ballpark:
The Role of Minor League Baseball
in Economic Growth,"
that concluded in this stirring speech,
and a truly incredible cutaway.
Baseball drew us out of World War I.
Baseball kept us going
in World War II.
Baseball and President Bush
kept us going in 9/11.
That's the kind of sport it is.
It is the American sport.
I always remind people, baseball is
the only sport with a play in it
called sacrifice.
And that's what America's about.
So, I'm glad to have all of you here,
and see my friends.
Yes!
From now on, I'm gonna need
every congressional hearing
to at some point cut to a large,
grinning bat
and a giant peach who looks like
he's been sniffing glue sticks.
By the way, that hearing lasted
for over an hour and a half,
and those mascots were there
the whole time.
So, spare a thought for the people
seated directly behind them,
because those are some bad seats.
Now, you may remember, last month,
we offered to rebrand
a minor league team,
eventually picking the Erie Seawolves,
who'd provided us 11 reasons
why they should be chosen,
one of which was that they'd had
the "fearlessness to pioneer
the cotton candy hotdog,"
which is true, by the way!
They created this culinary monstrosity,
which looks like
it came from a cookbook titled
"Easy Summer Recipes
That'll Make You Poop Weird".
But as 40% of all minor league teams
applied for a rebranding,
there was always going to be some
disappointment from those
that we didn't pick.
And some, like the St. Paul Saints,
reacted very well.
Now, you may have heard about this.
A couple weeks ago,
comedian John Oliver, he did a segment
on minor league baseball teams
with what he called having
boring names.
Well, the Saints volunteered,
but ultimately the Erie Seawolves
of Pennsylvania were picked.
The Saints are still having some fun
with their basic name, though.
They are hosting "Plain Night" on
Thursday. Listen to these plans.
The first one, 1,000 fans will receive
a piece of plain white paper.
The concession stand will only serve
vanilla ice cream.
And instead of a peanut toss, fans
will catch plain white bread.
Plus, this one's good.
If your name is John or Oliver,
you get a free ticket to that game.
That's just very good!
Now, do I love that John Wayne Gacy
could've gotten a free ticket
if he was still alive?
No, not particularly!
But that is my only criticism,
otherwise, no notes!
Now, as for Erie, our decision to pick
them was met with excitement,
and some understandable trepidation.
HBO's "Last Week Tonight" host
John Oliver made it official Sunday,
picking the Seawolves
for a total rebrand,
over more than 40 other
minor league teams.
We really have no idea
what the plans are.
This could be a one game thing,
two game thing,
future thing, you know,
we have no idea.
So, we're excited to see what happens.
Long-time fans like Red Laurie
aren't so sure.
To me, they're the Seawolves,
that's not gonna change.
Well, here's the thing, Red:
it is gonna change.
That is exactly what's going to happen.
You just don't know exactly how.
And you're not alone in that,
the president of the Seawolves
actually said,
"We've had a lot of media inquiries,
starting with the local media,
and we've had to tell them we would
also like to know what's going on,"
which I'm sure they would!
But I should say, they've been
really great sports about all this.
At one point, they told us they'd tried
a mini-mic segment
where they'd asked their players,
"What's one thing you know
about John Oliver?"
but apparently felt so bad
about the responses,
they didn't want to release it.
Now, of course, we said,
"Please send that to us immediately."
So, they did, and it's very good.
You know, to be honest, John, I don't
know a dang thing about you, man.
Hey, John, I hope you're doing well.
I don't know much about you,
but appreciate the rebrand, man.
I honestly have no clue
who John Oliver is.
I know you're like foreign,
so that's cool.
He's a talk show host. I heard
someone say something about Britain?
I love it so much.
The very fact they're trying so hard
not to hurt my feelings
is what makes it so emotionally
devastating.
Especially coming
from my main guys. Jake Holton,
from Creighton University who was
the 2019 Big East Player of the Year!
Trei Cruz! A super-utility player just
back from Tommy John surgery.
Max Anderson!
My KC-born cornhusker
who I know loves Reese's Cups!
I actually don't know this man.
And, of course,
San Diego's own Jim Jarvis.
Your one-year wedding anniversary's
coming up, JJ.
The traditional gift is paper. Now,
before we get to the rebrand,
we actually had a bunch of emails
from the people of Erie
with branding ideas of their own.
Many were snow-related,
like The Erie Shovelers,
The Erie Snowplows,
or The Erie Frozen Balls or Nuts.
Which, respectively, that's fun,
that's cute, and let's keep this
family friendly, shall we?
There was also a suggestion
we rebrand the team around
"the huge shopping mall in Erie
that's shaped like a gun,"
which, turns out, is an actual thing!
There is a shopping mall shaped
like a gun there,
which might be the most American thing
that has ever existed.
And finally, someone suggested,
"Something involving
Revolutionary War hero
General 'Mad' Anthony Wayne's
boiled remains".
That last one we knew about, because
we mentioned in our piece
on Trump's tariffs that Erie once boiled
a general
and may have lost a few of his bones.
After that piece aired,
we actually got this response video.
Hey, John Oliver. It's me, John Oliver,
president and CEO of VisitErie,
in Erie, Pennsylvania.
We heard you liked the story
of "Mad" Anthony Wayne
and I agree, it's a good one.
The kettle that was used to boil his
bones is actually on display here
in the Erie Hagen History Center,
and you can come check it out
any time.
Consider this your official invitation
to learn more about Erie, Pennsylvania,
and even join me for dinner here
in Erie,
because what's better than one
John Oliver, but two John Olivers.
Okay, I think we both know the real
answer to that:
it is zero John Olivers.
Also, bold move to invite me
to have dinner in Erie
when literally the only thing I know
about your culinary history
is that you guys once made soup
out of a corpse.
And also, you came up with this shit,
so it's a hard pass from me.
Someone even took a stab
at rebranding the team
around that pot-boiling incident for us,
sending us a deck including this logo
featuring Anthony Wayne
inside the pot with baseball stitching
on his arm.
Which is very good!
But as all of this was happening,
we were also doing
our own research into Erie.
We considered incorporating popular
local landmarks into the rebrand,
like the Bicentennial Tower,
which is, fun fact, the tallest
circumcised building in the city.
And we learned about the 1853
Erie Gauge War
where people there started ripping up
railroad tracks to protest
a standardized track gauge.
But then we stumbled on this news clip
from 2012.
Well, new this morning,
this is National Fossil Day,
and it could be your only chance
to see the Moon Mammoth.
I'm sorry, what now?
There's a Moon Mammoth?
I'm going to need to hear
a lot more about that.
The Moon Mammoth, of course,
is named after George Moon,
who was the scuba diver who found it
at the bottom of Lake Pleasant in 1991.
He was doing a recreational dive
and saw some bones lying 20 feet
below the surface of the lake,
and brought one of them up
and took them to a local professor,
and he identified them
as bones from a woolly mammoth.
And so, he and a bunch of other divers
gradually went down
and retrieved the entire skeleton.
It's true! A random scuba diver found
a 12-millennia-old mammoth!
That is basically the best-case
scenario for lake bones!
You so rarely see "I found some bones
in the lake" stories turn out that well.
Apparently, those bones now live
at the State Museum of Pennsylvania,
though the only time the public could
see them was on that one day,
as the reporter explained.
You know, when the museum closes
at five o'clock today,
they're putting that Moon Mammoth
back away. So, this is it.
This is your only chance to get to
see it. It's a little bit too fragile
to have it out every day.
But if you want to come
take a look, today's the day.
Yeah, the Moon Mammoth
hasn't been seen since!
It's been hidden away for over
a decade, like a shameful secret.
Or the head of Scientology's wife.
The point is, we think the Moon
Mammoth might be the perfect animal
to pull from the proverbial lake
and represent Erie baseball.
Even the moon theme is appropriate,
not just because the man
who found them, George Moon,
still lives in Erie County,
but of the 12 people who've ever
walked on the Moon's surface,
two were born in Pennsylvania!
That is more than any other state
if you don't count Texas,
which personally I do not.
So, I am proud to announce,
we are officially rebranding
The Erie Moon Mammoths!
Look at this! This is their new logo
right here! It's beautiful!
And on July 19th, they'll be making
their debut
in a game against
the Chesapeake Baysox,
who, you may remember, temporarily
rebranded as the Oyster Catchers
and accidentally turned a catcher's
mitt into something else entirely.
They're actually gonna be playing
as the Oyster Catchers again
on July 19th, meaning it's gonna
be the Oyster Catchers
versus the Erie Moon Mammoths!
It's gonna be an amazing night!
I'll be there.
George Moon will be there.
I'll tell you who else will be there,
a brand-new mascot that we've made.
We even produced a hype video for
them to play when he comes out.
Take a look.
Over three decades ago, it emerged.
The Moon Mammoth.
And except for one glorious day,
it hasn't been seen since.
Until now.
Take me out to the ball game,
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker
I don't care if I ever get back.
Everyone had written him off.
Said he was too old, too dead,
too brittle to even look at.
But they were wrong.
Because as it turns out, you can't
keep a good mammoth down.
Erie, are you ready?
Because this ancient purple beast
is all about two things,
eating whatever it is mammoths ate,
and playing baseball.
And he's all out of whatever
it is mammoths ate.
It's time to see what all the fuzz
is about.
Let's play ball.
Yes! Here he is!
The moonwalking mastodon!
The pileous purple pachyderm!
The Moon Mammoth himself:
Fuzz E. Mammoth
Fuzz E.!
It's Fuzz E. Mammoth,
ladies and gentlemen!
That is our show,
thank you so much for watching.
We're off the next few weeks,
back July 27th,
but if you are in Erie, Pennsylvania,
we will see you when the Moon
Mammoths play on July 19th!
Good night! Fuzz E. Mammoth, ladies
and gentlemen! Fuzz E. Mammoth!
Fuzz E. Mammoth! Fuzz E.!