Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (2014) s12e30 Episode Script

1
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you for joining us.
It has been a very busy week.
COP30, the UN's climate conference,
began without
an official delegation from the U.S.,
the last-ever penny was minted
in Philadelphia,
and in Russia, a new AI robot was
unveiled, and it didn't go great.
It's incredible.
Every single part of that is perfect.
From the robot's gait, which gives
"drunk grandpa going to piss"
"after accidentally falling asleep
in his chair",
to it being dragged offstage
like a bachelorette being
removed from a nightclub,
to, I'm sorry, that curtain.
And I don't want to judge here,
but it feels like, bare minimum,
you shouldn't be allowed to work
anywhere near engineering
if you cannot successfully unfurl
a curtain on the first try.
Meanwhile, in Washington,
the government shutdown ended
after eight Senate Democrats
caved,
so Wednesday really should've been
a good day for the president,
until this happened.
President Trump refusing to answer
why he won't let the FBI
release the Jeffrey Epstein files,
even as just-revealed messages
written by the sex offender
raise new questions
about their friendship
and whether Trump
was aware of Epstein's crimes.
Trump's name
coming up again and again.
In a 2017 email to former
Treasury Secretary Larry Summers,
Epstein writing, "I have met some very
bad people, none as bad as Trump."
"Not one decent cell in his body.
So yes, dangerous."
That doesn't look great.
When even the guy running
the Pervert Express to Crime Island
thinks that you are a dick,
that has got to sting.
I know that Trump seems
to be immune to shame,
but come on, at some point,
he's going to look at himself
in the mirror
and, even if briefly, think,
"None as bad as me?"
"Captain Freak of the floating
sex dungeon thinks I am the worst?"
"Fuck. That is rough."
The White House has been in damage
control mode ever since,
even insisting that the emails
prove Trump did nothing wrong,
which they very much do not.
But perhaps the boldest attempt
to spin these revelations
came from Megyn Kelly,
who for some reason
felt it was important
to make one thing clear.
I do know somebody very,
very close to this case
who is in a position to know
virtually everything.
Jeffrey Epstein,
in this person's view,
was not a pedophile,
this is this person's view,
who was there for a lot of this,
but that he was into the barely legal
type, he liked 15-year-old girls.
I realize this is disgusting,
I'm definitely not trying
to make an excuse for this.
He wasn't into, like, eight-year-olds,
but he liked the very young teen types
that could pass for even younger
than they were,
but would look legal to a passerby.
You can say that's a distinction
without a difference.
- No, it's not, it matters, yeah.
- I think there is a difference.
There's a difference between
a 15-year-old and a five-year-old.
You know, it's just… whatever.
Yeah, that clip starts
with, "I know someone who's super
in the middle of all the Epstein shit",
and it somehow
gets sketchier from there.
Because, if I'm understanding
you there, and I am definitely not,
Epstein wasn't into eight-year-olds.
He was just into very young teens
who could pass for even younger,
while also, to passersby,
still somehow managing to look legal.
And you felt that this was
an important numerical distinction
to bring up to your
yes-and-ing friend here.
I'm clearly no stranger to sharing
upsetting numbers with my audience,
but please do kill me if I ever
start doing pedophile math.
Now, the House is apparently set
to vote this coming week
on whether the DOJ must release
all its Epstein files,
so there will clearly be a lot more
to say about this going forward.
But for now, we're gonna dive straight
in with our main story this week,
which concerns public media.
It's brought us "Sesame Street",
NPR's Tiny Desk Concerts
and "The Joy of Painting"
with Bob Ross,
which once featured
this exceptional reveal.
Okay, we just put a little bit
of color on the fan brush,
and in our world,
maybe there lives,
well, there does now, just some
happy little trees back in here.
These little trees would be a super
place for my little squirrel.
If you painted with me before,
you know I have all kinds
of little creature pets.
I'm gonna share with you today
my latest little squirrel
that's living with me. He is
the most precious little thing.
You have to force him to eat, see?
We call him Peapod the Pocket Squirrel.
My God.
"Peapod the Pocket Squirrel"
might be the best sequence of words
in the history of the English language.
And admit it, for a moment,
you thought he was talking
about an imaginary squirrel there.
You heard him say,
"These little trees would be a super
place for my little squirrel"
and you assumed he was referring
to an animal he was about to paint,
not a living rodent on his person.
Even when he moved the dropper
towards his pocket,
a physical squirrel
wasn't on your mental horizon.
You just figured it was a weird
paint tool, and that no way
was a real-life fucking squirrel
chilling in this guy's clothes,
there is just no fucking way,
what if it shits?
But have you ever
been happier to be wrong?
Also, fun fact, Peapod
wasn't Bob Ross's only squirrel.
He apparently built
an enormous cage outside of his home,
in which he nursed orphaned
squirrels back to health,
which is presumably why this
absolute banger of a photo exists.
And sorry to every living supermodel,
but that is a pout.
Anyway. In America,
almost all public media
falls under the Corporation
for Public Broadcasting,
which until recently distributed funding
to over 500 radio and TV grantees,
representing 1,500 locally managed
and operated stations nationwide.
Together, the system reaches
nearly 99% of the U.S. population
with free programming and services.
Public media's been truly innovative
in reaching underserved audiences.
A public TV station invented
closed captioning in the 1970s.
And stations around the country
offer programming in Haitian Creole,
Navajo, Vietnamese
and many other languages.
But as you undoubtedly know,
it is now facing a serious threat,
as over the summer, Congress
decided to eliminate 1.1 billion dollars
that had been allocated to fund public
broadcasting for the next two years.
It was something
that Trump celebrated like this.
Public broadcasting, they've been
looking to get it out of there
for billions of dollars,
and very unfair. Very unfair reporting.
I would say
they make CNN look honest.
And we got rid of it, finally.
We got rid of it.
We got rid of billions of dollars
that was wasted on that.
You know what? I can't
explain this in a precise way,
but Donald Trump
proudly slurring his way
through another
on-purpose disaster
might be the scientific opposite
of Bob Ross and Peapod.
In fact, if you play those
two clips at the same time,
I think the world might explode.
But it is true.
In July, Congress approved Trump's
plan to eliminate the CPB's funding.
It is one of many egregious actions
this administration has taken,
which is why the number one
search on Google this year
is probably going to end up being,
"Wait, can the government do that?"
And all of this has, understandably,
upset a lot of people,
even some that you may
not have thought
would be fans of public media,
like this guy.
Public radio, it's a national treasure.
I mean, where else would you go?
As a young man,
I watched Ginger Baker
have a drum-off against
the drummer from Ratt.
And, you know,
on "Rockschool" on PBS.
You're not gonna find that
on network television.
And not to mention
"Sesame Street".
I mean look,
this is… Mister Rogers.
It's quality programming,
and it always has been.
And it's a damn shame to just
throw it in the toilet like that.
Okay,
so there is a lot to say there,
but mostly, the top half
of him is not the problem.
But I know what you're thinking.
You are thinking,
"I had no idea that
the Berserker Blóthar,"
"lead vocalist
of heavy metal band Gwar,"
"was such a fan of public media!"
But apparently, he is.
And it is both beautiful
and confusing
to watch him utter
the words "Mister Rogers",
as it's hard to imagine them
in the same universe.
Although, I'll say, I would love
to have seen Gwar on Mister Rogers.
"Blóthar, you are special
just the way you are."
"Your diseased undercarriage
composed of abscess-riddled penises"
"makes you you."
But he is right,
this budget cut is devastating,
actually, maybe take that down…
This cut will be felt all over,
but especially in rural,
remote and tribal communities.
One analysis estimates
that as many as 115 stations,
collectively
serving 43 million Americans,
are likely to close by mid-next year.
And as a DJ at this
Colorado station explains,
these stations can fill
a vital community role.
One of the things that we do is
provide public service announcements
that inform people of meetings
that are important to the community,
that they don't always get
in a timely fashion otherwise.
Some examples
that I just read on this morning's show
included an announcement about
a distribution of school supplies
that is occurring today.
Here's an announcement about
a free sloppy Joe luncheon
for veterans and homeless.
Exactly. That man who looks
like Santa Claus,
if he got just the right amount into
The Grateful Dead, is completely right.
He should also, by the way, probably
be public radio's new mascot,
given he has the quintessential
public radio voice, beard
and general vibe.
Honestly, if the next NPR tote for sale
does not have that man's face on it,
they're leaving
money on the table.
The point is, public media provides
incredible benefits to
the communities that it serves,
and it has just suffered
a gigantic blow.
So given that, tonight,
let's talk about public media:
how it works, what it does
and how we go forward.
And let's start with the fact that
the system as we currently know it
started when LBJ signed the Public
Broadcasting Act of 1967 into law,
announcing it like this.
This corporation will assist
stations and producers
who aim for the best
in broadcasting good music,
in broadcasting exciting plays,
in broadcasting reports
on the whole fascinating range
of human activity.
It will try to prove that what
educates can also be exciting.
It will get part of its support
from our government.
But it will be carefully guarded from
government or from party control.
It will be free,
and it will be independent
and it will belong
to all of our people.
Yeah, that was a bold move!
The kind of thing that takes
some truly enormous balls,
which, as you should know
from recordings that we've played
of LBJ complaining to the head
of the company that made his trousers
that "the crotch, down where
your nuts hang,"
"is always a little too tight",
he definitely had.
And quick side note: you may
remember, a few weeks ago,
we had this potentially life-size
replica of LBJ's balls made,
and offered them
to his presidential library.
Well, I've got good
news and bad news.
The good news is,
we heard from them.
The bad news is,
they politely declined our offer,
but in doing so said, "Please accept
this basket of fruit and nuts"
"as a token of our appreciation
for all you do."
This is the basket they sent,
which contained, and this is true,
a variety of nuts and fruits,
all in sets of two.
Which is excellent.
Anyway,
as Lyndon Balls Johnson just said,
that one act authorized the creation of
Corporation for Public Broadcasting,
which then, in turn,
created PBS and NPR.
But the CPB's role wasn't
to directly produce content
or oversee public media
as a state arm,
it was primarily to distribute
funding for it, while, crucially,
remaining independent
of the government.
That is why the CPB's a private,
nonprofit corporation.
The only issue is that, despite
not being a government agency,
it is still funded like one,
as its funding is embedded
in the annual congressional
appropriations process.
And because
Congress controls its funding,
that's always left the CPB vulnerable
to political attacks.
Almost from the start, it has been
a punching bag for Republicans.
Just two years after it was created,
Nixon proposed
slashing its funding in half,
reportedly to help meet the financial
demands of the Vietnam War.
Because apparently, the CPB was
a bad use of public money,
unlike, you know, Vietnam.
That is what led to this famous moment,
in a hearing about the CPB's funding,
when Fred Rogers addressed
a skeptical senator
and described
what his show was all about.
This is what I give.
I give an expression of care
every day to each child
to help him realize
that he is unique.
I end the program by saying,
"You've made this day a special
day by just your being you."
"There's no person
in the whole world like you."
"And I like you just
the way you are."
I feel that if we in public television
can only make it clear
that feelings are mentionable
and manageable,
we will have done a great service.
I think it's wonderful.
Looks like you just
earned the 20 million dollars.
That is a truly heartwarming thing
that would never, ever happen today.
If Mister Rogers had given that
exact same testimony this year,
Ted Cruz would've called him
a "radical left lunatic",
Fox News would've run
with the headline
"Mister Rogers' Socialist Neighborhood"
and the White House
would've posted an AI video
of President Trump
kicking him in the balls.
But while public media's
funding was saved on that day,
it has been threatened consistently
ever since,
usually with complaints about
its so-called "liberal bias".
Why is there this small elite group
at the CPB
that gets to spend money
they didn't earn?
What right do they have
to dole out your money?
I think the people at PBS see
themselves as social agents.
They see themselves
as having this great forum,
this great platform to push what
they think will be the good society.
It is brainwashing the American
people, and more significantly,
American children
with un-American,
anti-family, pro-crime fake news.
Okay, so, a few things, in order.
First,
"What right do they have
to spend money they didn't earn?"
applies to literally
any use of taxpayer money,
and also, congratulations
to Newt and Callista Gingrich
on their documentary
"Journey to America",
released this year,
on, guess what, PBS.
Second, if you're curious
why this guy was speaking
on behalf of a group called Concerned
Women for America, so am I!
And finally, as for Marjorie
Taylor Greene's comments,
I think we all know what she means
by "anti-family", but I'd love to know
what PBS programming is being
interpreted as "pro-crime".
Is it the episode of "Arthur"
where the brain gets himself
into a Dr. Jekyll
and Mr. Hyde situation?
Because I guess you could argue
that it inspires kids to commit
potion-fueled vandalism, but I think
the only real crime involved
is that this song has been lodged
in my brain for over two decades now.
That song will now be in your head
until the day that you die.
It was my curse,
and now it is yours too.
Anyway, that clip
is from earlier this year,
at a hearing that Greene chaired
where the CEOs of NPR and PBS
were questioned about why,
in her words,
taxpayer funds were being spent on
"left-wing echo chambers"
"for mostly wealthy, white urban
liberals and progressives"
"who generally look down
on and judge rural America."
The hearing was absurd.
Again and again, members of Congress
would take a tiny,
out-of-context snippet,
sometimes of something
that aired on just one station,
and demand that the heads
of those organizations defend them.
Here is one congressman
who thought he really had something.
Do you think that you should publish
something that calls trees racist?
Is that, in retrospect,
should you have published that?
I'm not sure what you're
referring to, Congressman.
You had a segment that
it was called "Racist Trees".
We've already referenced it
a number of times.
Do you think trees can be racist?
I guess that's a good one.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
I've never heard
of what you're referring to.
Well, I have!
Because we looked it up,
and it turns out, it wasn't a segment
about how trees are racist.
It was this documentary
telling the story
of a historically Black
neighborhood in Palm Springs,
and their decades-long fight
for the removal of a wall of trees
that many believed were originally
planted as a totem of segregation.
So, I guess I'd answer his question
of, "Do you think trees can be racist?"
with a question of my own.
Specifically,
"Do you understand that the titles
of movies are not always 100% literal?"
"The Shining" is not about a successful
shoe polishing business
and "The Wolf of Wall Street"
isn't about an actual wolf
with a successful
investment strategy.
Now, should it have been?
Absolutely it should.
But sadly, it wasn't.
And look, there can be
a good-faith debate over bias in
the media, liberal or otherwise.
But I'll point out that,
a lot of the time,
what conservatives claim
as "liberal bias"
is often things like showing there's
a long history of racism in America,
or that gay people exist, making it
hard to interpret those criticisms
as anything other than bigotry.
And yet, arguments like those
just got used to justify
zeroing out
the entire budget of the CPB.
Which isn't just stupid,
in many places,
it'll actually have the exact
opposite of the intended effect.
And to understand why,
it's worth talking about
where all those
federal dollars went.
Because while some of the CPB's funding
did go directly to PBS and NPR
at the national level,
the vast majority of it,
more than 70%,
went directly to local public
radio and television stations,
who used it to do
things like produce local programs,
purchase equipment,
and acquire national programming,
like "All Things Considered"
and the "PBS NewsHour".
And for many stations, that was
just one way they got funded.
Because none relied completely
on the federal government,
in fact, one survey found that
on average, local public TV stations
relied on federal funding
for 18% of their budgets,
with radio stations having
an average reliance of around 14%.
And a big way they've always made
up the difference is through,
as you undoubtedly know,
viewers or listeners like you.
That is why so many stations seem to
be constantly running pledge drives.
Just take this one
from Washington State, in 1999,
featuring a certain
former costar of mine.
Please call in at 1-800-443-1999
and subscribe,
because you can't get
programming like "Mr. Bean",
you can't get
programming like "Red Dwarf"
anywhere else
except for Channel 9.
As you've already seen tonight,
British comedy is so amazing,
and you can't get that
on any other channel practically,
and it's so wonderful
that Channel 9 can bring this to you.
Rowan Atkinson is a genius,
and it's just so great
that we can bring you
all the episodes in one entire night.
"Mr. Bean" is a phenomenal
television program in Britain.
And you asked for it
to be here in Washington,
and you get an entire evening of it,
and it's just wonderful.
I just can't tell you…
I am so excited about "Mr. Bean"
and things like "Blackadder"
and "Red Dwarf" and British comedy
brought to you on Channel 9.
So, please call.
Yeah,
that is a young Joel McHale,
going all- out to raise money
for his local PBS station.
And he was going in hard
on the Mr. Bean element there.
Those clips go from, "Wow,
Joel really likes Mr. Bean"
to "Wait, did Mr. Bean
say he's gonna pay him?"
to "Did Mr. Bean
say he's gonna kill him?"
Some local stations heavily
depend on donations to get by.
And a lot are operating on
a shoestring to begin with,
like this one in Louisiana.
Before the sun comes up…
- Alarm went off at 4:00.
- Got here at 5:30.
Jeff Ferrell turns on the lights
at the only NPR news radio
station in Shreveport, Louisiana.
Partly cloudy and 73…
Ferrell is the only full-time
news employee at Red River Radio.
He's the news director,
on-air host…
The time is now 8:04.
Field producer…
How much of a difference…
Writer…
You're listening to the market.
And sound editor. 15-hour days
covering news in three states.
Do I rest for a second? Yeah,
I'll take a quick like 15-minute,
like, pause and then recharge.
So, you sleep in your office?
Sometimes.
Holy shit!
The only thing more alarming
than that man's workload
is the way he briefly dissociated
before saying "sometimes".
That was either an existential
cry for help,
or he just figured out how to micro-nap
in the middle of an interview.
Having a tiny staff is not uncommon.
And in some parts of the country,
particularly less affluent
or more rural areas,
stations may not be able to raise what
they need through their communities,
so they've relied more heavily
on federal funding.
Remember how I said stations
relied on it for around
14 to 18% of their budgets?
That's an average.
For some, it's been much more.
Because while WNYC, New
York's public radio station,
lost about 4% of its annual
budget when the CPB got cut,
KLND in McLaughlin,
South Dakota lost 50%
and KSHI on the Zuni Pueblo
in New Mexico lost 96%.
And when budgets get slashed,
one way an outlet can cut costs
is by producing less local reporting
and relying more on content
that they license from NPR
and PBS at the national level.
So, while I personally think
that Greene's caricature of them
pumping out "un-American programs"
that doesn't reflect community values
is total bullshit,
the irony is,
the more local stations' budgets
are slashed,
the more they may come to rely on
programming produced
in those "urban echo chambers".
As the executive director
of a station in California said,
"The local stuff
that's so important to people"
"is probably
the stuff that'll go away."
And it's worth talking about what
some of that local stuff is.
Because it can be woven into
people's lives in all sorts of ways.
High school sports, for instance,
have become some of the most popular
local programs on PBS stations,
with the former CEO
of Arkansas PBS saying,
"It's one of those things
that everybody loves,"
"but isn't necessarily a moneymaking
venture, so commercial networks"
"aren't gonna really
commit to high school sports."
Other areas use public
media in quirky ways.
In rural northern California,
this station has a regular segment
called "Trading Time," where
people call in to offer items to sell,
trade, or give away.
And during pledge-drive season,
callers will sometimes even contribute
the proceeds back to the station,
leading to once-in-a-lifetime
offers like this one.
Good morning. We have a bidet.
We just remodeled a bathroom,
took out the bidet
that we weren't using.
It's in excellent condition.
It's a Kohler.
And if you go to get one new,
they're like three or 400 bucks.
But we will sell this one
for 50 dollars or best offer,
and donate all the money
to the pledge drive.
Okay. So, it's a good day for a bidet.
John in Mendo's got one for you.
If you buy it, 50 or best offer,
he's going to donate
that right to the station.
Wonderful.
Yeah, it is wonderful! It's also,
let's be honest, super weird!
The saddest six-word story may be,
"For sale: baby shoes, never worn,"
but the weirdest one is,
"For sale: used bidet, for charity."
And if you, like me, thought that
that was another artifact of the '90s,
you should know,
it is from three weeks ago.
And it is great to know
that public radio can still be
a resource for bidet-related
news and discussion.
All this time, I thought the only
place to go for that
was the bidets subreddit,
where you can find posts like,
"I didn't buy a bidet, I bought an
amusement park ride for my butt",
"Having a bidet at home has really
ruined the allure of pooping at work",
"My bidet keeps splashing
into my balls"
and this similar post, "Husband's
chestnuts getting busted in Canada",
which goes on to say,
"Husband's honeynuts getting
brutalized by the bidet."
"Gentlemen, help him. Canadian
cantaloupes are compromised."
But obviously, it is not all
high school sports and bidets.
In some places, public media is
the only source of local news.
According to one analysis,
in nine counties,
a public broadcasting station is
the sole source of local news coverage.
And in 47 others,
it's one of only two, with the other
typically being a weekly newspaper.
And local public media's scored
some amazing scoops.
To rattle off just a few:
in West Virginia,
these outlets uncovered
the fact that Bob Murray,
friend of the pod,
fought against black lung regulations
and then filed for black lung
benefits for himself.
Which is exactly the kind
of behavior
that might lead someone
to tell you to go eat shit.
In Alaska, KTOO broke the story
of a massive food stamp backlog
affecting thousands of people,
with the Alaska Press Club writing
that it was the reporter's
community-based reporting
and relationships with sources
that brought light to a state problem
that affected thousands of Alaskans
whose voices needed to be heard.
And a reporter at this radio
station in New Hampshire
produced both a massive investigation
and this podcast
about alleged sexual misconduct
at the largest addiction
treatment center in the state.
And she kept at that reporting
even as the target of her investigation
sued her and her station,
and as her house,
and those of her parents
and her boss, were vandalized.
And that's something that she later
explained to her public TV station.
My husband checks our security
cameras, and sure enough,
a brick had been thrown
through the window,
and the words "just the beginning"
were spray-painted,
"exclamation point,"
under the broken window.
- And you have a young daughter.
- I do have a young daughter.
Was there a point where you thought
maybe I will not be continuing this?
Did you think about dropping this,
not wanting to continue working on it?
You know,
I never considered stopping.
Yeah, that is incredibly brave.
Especially because I'm assuming
that message didn't continue,
"Just the beginning of a storied
career in investigative journalism,"
"keep up the good work.
P.S., the brick is made of chocolate!"
Local public media is filled
with impressive reporting like that.
In fact, we've relied on it
on this show,
in pieces that we've done
about HOAs, juvenile justice,
and in our first and second
lethal injections stories.
And if you're hearing
those and thinking,
"Man, this show is more
depressing than I remembered,"
girl, same.
And as this manager for a tribal
station in Oregon explains,
if budget cuts mean she can't afford
to broadcast news to her listeners,
that's gonna be a problem not just
for her station, but for everyone.
We do our own local newscasts,
and we can cover Warm Springs
better than anybody.
Mainstream media
doesn't necessarily show up
unless something very
bad has happened.
She'll have to make cuts,
and she expects to lose acces
to national news
and tribal networks.
Native America Calling and
National Native News,
and those are programs that people
here love
and tune in for
like every day at 10 o'clock.
Leaving the high desert at risk
of becoming a news desert.
There'll be like a void where probably
incorrect information will grow.
Exactly!
And I know that when you hear
"void where incorrect
information will grow",
you think of whatever infinite
chasm is behind Megyn Kelly's eyes.
But in this case it means something
else. And even beyond news,
public media can be how critical
information gets disseminated.
In communities with limited
broadband or cell service,
public radio may be the only way
to distribute missing and
endangered persons alerts.
It can also be crucial
during an emergency like a hurricane.
Remember that station where one guy's
the only full-time news employee?
If it goes away, a lot goes with it.
About 19% of Louisiana
lives in poverty.
And 15% don't have internet access,
according to the U.S. Census.
You can't afford satellite TV.
You can't buy cable.
And they're alone.
And so, it is a lifeline.
And what's great about this
is that they feel connected.
They stay connected to the world.
These radio emergency alerts are
vital during hurricane season,
warning folks
where and when storms will hit.
Public radio saves lives.
The emergency broadcast
system… Without it, people would die.
Without their emergency broadcast
system, people would die.
If you take one thing away from
this piece, it really should be that,
even though unfortunately,
it will probably be this instead.
Jekyll, Hyde, Hyde, Jekyll.
Jekyll, Jekyll, Hyde, Jekyll, Hyde…
You're living this
for the rest of your life.
This is never, ever leaving your brain.
It's tattooed onto your eardrums.
It's not just that, some stations have
jumped in to serve their listeners,
even when they're not prepared to.
Take Blue Ridge Public Radio
in North Carolina,
which had to pivot into emergency alerts
during Hurricane Helene last year,
when its small staff of seven
didn't just report through the storm
and immediate aftermath, but they also
kept working through a 53-day stretch
where locals didn't have
access to clean water.
And if you hear the messages
they got from listeners afterwards,
you get a picture of just how much
their work meant to people.
You guys were wonderful,
and you sustained me.
I was isolated on a mountainside.
My wife and I are so thankful for your
constant presence during this crisis.
Keep it up. We love you.
Thank you guys
so much for being there.
It's just gonna make me cry,
because you're the only source of
information that we've had.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Yeah, that's incredibly moving.
Honestly, I feel like I'm gonna cry
and I haven't cried at a radio
segment since that time
I heard about a near-mint-condition
Kohler bidet being sold
for the low, low price of 50 dollars.
So that is what is at stake here.
And while some might suggest that
the free market will fill in the gaps,
in many cases,
these stations only exist
because the free market
has shown that it won't.
Because unfortunately,
it may well not find value
in localized emergency alerts
during hurricanes,
or announcing
free sloppy Joes for veterans,
or even in pocket squirrels.
Which is madness,
given they should clearly be
the most valuable commodity
on the fucking planet.
As the general manager of Blue
Ridge Public Radio told one reporter,
"'NBC Nightly News' can show you
pictures of devastating flooding,"
"but they don't tell locals
where to get fresh water."
"NBC News is not for that."
And she's right.
NBC isn't focused on emergency
information on the local level.
It's clearly focused on one
thing and one thing only:
keeping Lorne Michaels alive.
Frankly, it's always been a bit weird
how little we fund public media,
given how vital it can be.
'Cause to be clear here,
U.S. public media
is a global outlier in how little
federal funding it receives.
Even before these cuts,
federal spending amounted to less
than 1.60 dollars per capita on it,
compared to countries like Norway,
Sweden, and the U.K.,
which devote nearly 100 dollars
or more.
And research shows
a positive correlation
between the strength of public media
systems and the health of democracies.
And given that the health
of our democracy
is currently best described as
"that one photo of Prince Philip
where he was in the car",
we could use all the public media
funding we can get right now.
So, what can we do?
In a universe in which
a competent, effective
government were in place,
we'd ideally work on a long-term
fix for the way the CPB's funded,
and instead of giving Congress power
to take its money away every two years,
we'd institute some tax or licensing
fee that could reliably fund it.
That is something
people have been recommending
since the CPB was first created.
Sadly, we do not live
in that universe right now.
And until we do, public media
is in a dire situation.
Now, fortunately, there's been
a big public push recently
to raise money to support
hard-hit stations as long as possible.
A nonprofit called
The Public Media Company
has launched an initiative
called The Bridge Fund,
to collect and distribute funding
to at-risk local public media stations.
And if you want
to give to one directly,
you can find the stations most in need
at Adopt-a-Station-dot-org.
Meanwhile, others are finding
imaginative ways to raise money,
including, just this week, this.
Who doesn't love Bob Ross, right?
Three original paintings
by the renowned TV artist
have fetched a total
of 662.000 dollars at auction.
Proceeds of the sale
will support public TV stations,
which need it after recent
federal funding cuts.
Yeah, it's true. Apparently,
Bob Ross Inc. is putting paintings like
these up for auction to raise money.
And they're absolutely beautiful.
Look, I am no art connoisseur.
My liking a painting
often comes down
to whether or not it features
cartoon rats getting it on.
But in this case,
I'll happily make an exception.
Now, I'll be honest, we actually
bid on those paintings,
trying to win one so that
we could re-auction it tonight
to benefit public media.
Sadly, those prices
were outside of our budget.
So, we asked the people
at Bob Ross Inc.
if they'd donate another one
for us to auction, and they said,
very kindly,
that's just not something they do.
Otherwise, everyone
would ask them all the time,
and they'd have no paintings
left. Which does make sense.
But then we remembered,
we've actually accumulated
a bunch of weird artifacts
on this show over the years
that we could definitely auction
off to raise some much-needed money.
So please, come with me.
Welcome!
I am proud to announce
"Last Week Tonight's" first-ever
auction in aid of public media.
This is real. It will be
running through November 24th,
and you can bid at the website
John-Olivers-Junk-dot-com,
which was inexplicably available.
We have lots of fantastic items
up for sale. Here's a selected few.
Now, our first item's actually
been auctioned off before.
Because, you may remember,
we once bought
Russell Crowe's jockstrap
from "Cinderella Man",
when he held a, quote,
"art of divorce auction".
He then used the proceeds to fund
a koala chlamydia ward
in Australia in my name.
Well, I'm now happy to say, this
life-saving jockstrap can be yours.
Here it is. It is a priceless
piece of cinematic history,
and it has saved countless koalas.
Moving on to item number two.
Back in season nine,
you may remember
that I married a cabbage,
in a beautiful, non-denominational
ceremony officiated by Steve Buscemi.
Well, and there is
no good way to say this:
my cabbage wife is available
for sale to the highest bidder,
no questions asked.
As much as it hurts for us to split,
we are doing it for the greater good.
Bidding for her is now open.
Moving on to item number three,
and as I mentioned earlier,
these were featured
on our show pretty recently:
LBJ's giant balls.
Just look at these
glorious monstrosities!
If LBJ's presidential library does not
have a home for them, maybe you do.
Because these things could be
a real conversation piece
for your living room, bedroom, studio
apartment, or indeed, nursery.
And in keeping with
the presidential theme,
we are also auctioning off
our wax presidents,
which we bought at an auction
in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania,
and put in movie parodies
with, among others,
Laura Linney and Tom Hanks.
But wait, because
I'm still not done here,
and to tell you about
some other items up for auction,
here's a man with experience
fundraising for public television:
Mr. Joel McHale.
Thanks, John.
As you've seen tonight,
public media is so amazing.
I love it almost as much
as I love British comedy,
which is so amazing.
Rowan Atkinson is a genius,
and anyone who thought
they could replace him as Zazu in
"The Lion King" is out of their mind.
That movie
was ruined without him.
Anyway, I'm so excited to tell you
about some of these items,
including these golden sneakers,
worn by British comedian John Oliver
in a show about FIFA that,
judging by this,
aired around 25 years ago.
So amazing.
And because no public media
fundraiser is complete without it,
we're also auctioning off a bidet,
signed by, and this is true,
the Berserker Blóthar
from Gwar. So amazing.
And finally,
and this is my favorite item,
I think everyone knows how
excited I am about Rowan Atkinson,
the number one
British comedian of all time.
So, we're auctioning off a complete
DVD box set of "Mr. Bean",
signed by me, Sir Joel McHale.
Back to you, Seth!
Thank you so much, Joel!
All those items and more
are available
at John-Olivers-Junk-dot-com,
with all proceeds going
to the Public Media Bridge Fund.
But wait, there's actually
one more thing here.
Because remember when I said
that Bob Ross Inc. never lets people
have paintings to sell?
That is true. They never do.
Except, incredibly, they've told us
they're willing to make a one-time
exception for this auction.
So, we have this actual Bob Ross
original, up for sale.
It is called "Cabin at Sunset".
He painted it on TV in 1987,
and it's been in storage
for nearly 40 years.
It is a true masterpiece painted by
a man and, I'm just gonna assume,
his pocket squirrel, Peapod.
You can find this painting
and many, many other items,
from a case of John Oliver wine
to our giant Reese's mug,
as well as a link to find stations
to donate to directly,
at John-Olivers-Junk-dot-com.
That is it! That is our show,
and indeed our season.
Thank you so much for watching us
all year, we truly appreciate it.
We'll see you again in February.
Good night!
Thank you so much.
Please bid for her now.
Bid right now.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
You're going to a better place.