Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (2014) s13e16 Episode Script
Feral Hogs
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver. Thank you so much
for joining us! It has been a busy week.
In Chicago, Obama opened
his presidential center.
In D.C., despite Trump
spending 14 million dollars,
the Lincoln Reflecting Pool
looks like Shrek pissed in it.
And in the U.K., Andy Burnham
won the Makerfield by-election
and is now odds-on
to become prime minister.
And here is the moment
the results became clear.
Burnham Andrew Murray, commonly
known as Andy Burnham,
the Labour and Co-operative Party,
24,977.
Yeah, as hard as it is to believe,
everyone on that stage
was running in that election.
Meaning Burnham managed to not
only defeat the Reform UK candidate,
but also Darth Trash Can
and the Meth-tastic Mr. Fox.
Meanwhile, the World Cup continued,
with fans still having a great time,
from Norway's rowing up escalators,
to Dutch supporters
doing the Oranje fan walk,
to Australian fans coming up
with the song of the summer.
Aussie boys we're on a bender,
Donald Trump is a sex offender!
Aussie boys we're on a bender,
Donald Trump is a sex offender!
Aussie boys we're on a bender,
Donald Trump is a sex offender!
Excellent. Until now,
the best thing Australia gave the U.S.
was avocado toast
and Nicole Kidman,
but they have just
topped themselves.
Because seeing drunk Aussies joyously
chanting "Trump's a sex offender"
is the equivalent of looking out
your office window
and seeing tourists eating ice cream
on a double decker bus.
"I didn't even know you could
have that much fun here."
Meanwhile, the Scottish fans
have been in Boston,
making friends wherever they go,
putting cones on statues,
and causing
some real supply chain issues.
If your favorite beer
We've never seen
anything like it.
There's a decent chance Scotland
had something to do with it.
Sam Adams downtown ran out of their
signature Boston Lager over weekend
and needed an emergency delivery
to keep up with World Cup fans.
And they're not the only
ones running dry.
The White Bull Tavern,
there was no beer.
The Scots fans
just drunk the place dry,
and all they had
was like Bud Light.
Yeah, they drank everything
but the Bud Light.
And do you know how bad
a beer has to be
for Scottish people not to drink it?
Their national dish is haggis,
which looks like the sandworm
from "Dune" shit itself.
They'll eat that happily, but they draw
the line at America's dick spittle,
a beverage that, on its best day,
tastes like piss-flavored La Croix.
But it is true: Scotland fans have
been drinking Boston dry,
with one employee of
a downtown bar saying,
"We've been here for over 30 years,
and we've never seen anything like it.
We tripled St.Patrick's Day."
Which is wild!
I guess the Scots saw the way
Bostonians drink and said,
"Hold my beer,
while I chug three more."
Apparently, when one customer
came into a Boston liquor store
and purchased two bottles of water,
a bunch of Scotland fans in the store
booed her for the purchase.
And while that is
obviously very funny,
I do have to look at it
from that woman's perspective:
she had a hard day at the office,
she's a paralegal, I'm guessing.
Her doctor keeps telling her
to hydrate more.
So, she leaves work, after hours,
as usual,
and stops at the nearest spot,
a liquor store.
She doesn't drink anymore,
not since the accident,
but it's pouring rain and her ex got
all the umbrellas in the divorce.
She rushes inside,
grabs two water bottles,
and heads to the checkout,
rifling through credit cards,
hoping one will go through,
she makes a good wage,
but online poker was the devil
that she could never ignore.
She taps, it works, thankfully.
But then she spots
the clerk's nametag, "Kyle".
That was his name,
her eyes glaze, and her mind
drifts back to summer 2006:
sleepaway camp, and the most
beautiful boy she'd ever seen,
Kyle Kirkpatrick.
She realizes her grandma
was right:
the worst part of growing up isn't
the wrinkles or the restraining orders,
it's that you never know
you're in the best days of your life
until they're over.
And then she's suddenly
snapped back to reality
by a mob of redheads
booing her face.
And that is why
it's impossible to be a woman.
Anyway.
The World Cup's still very fun.
But the big news this week
concerned Iran.
A week ago, Trump announced
a deal to end his war, posting,
"The deal with the Islamic
Republic of Iran is now complete.
Congratulations to all! Ships of
the world, start your engines.
Let the oil flow!" Like a real
Cha-Cha DiGregorio in "Grease".
And on Wednesday, Trump signed
a "memorandum of understanding".
And it quickly became clear this was
less a comprehensive peace deal
and more "a plan to eventually
have one",
with some pretty big holes in it.
The agreement calls for the war
to end on all fronts
including Israel's strikes
against Hezbollah in Lebanon,
but the Israelis, who have been
the U.S.'s partner in this war,
but were not involved in this deal,
have made clear they aren't
withdrawing from Lebanon.
In the document, Iran does not commit
to destroying its nuclear stockpile.
The deal only states that
they've agreed to negotiate the issue
further over the next 60 days.
Yeah, this agreement doesn't even
address Iran's nuclear program,
supposedly the whole point
of this war in the first place.
And anyone can sign an agreement
to just figure things out later.
That is not difficult.
It's the difference between Jonas Salk
discovering the polio vaccine,
and him just writing "I.O.U. one
polio vaccine" on a piece of paper.
Nevertheless, Trump took a full victory
lap, claiming his new deal with Iran
was far better than the one
that Obama made in 2015,
which Trump tore up in his first term,
using some strong language
to describe why.
He gave them 1.7 billion dollars
in cash, green cash, from banks,
into a Boeing 757
and flew it into Iran.
And they stood at the plane,
I have pictures of it, like,
"Oh, my god,
look at this money he's giving us!"
And you know what the Iranians did?
They laughed at Obama
and they said
he's a stupid son of a bitch.
Okay, so lots to unpack there,
but I would like to focus
on "green cash from banks",
yet more evidence this guy
sees everything in cartoons.
"They had billions in cash,
green cash, from banks.
Not the gold pile of money that
the duck jumps into, the other kind.
They flew it to Iran real fast 'cause
the plane went across a little map.
And when the Iranians saw it,
their eyes turned into dollar signs
and their tongues
turned into big wads of cash,
again, green,
like from the banks.
And they were all like
a-wooga, a-wooga!"
But about that supposed
1.7 billion dollars gift,
as has been pointed out
for years now,
that wasn't us just
handing over money,
it was us repaying a debt owed to Iran,
which had bought military equipment
from the U.S. that it never received.
So, as usual, Trump seized
on one actual fact,
the number "1.7 billion",
and layered so much bullshit on top,
it eventually became
something totally different,
like an oyster turning
a grain of sand into a pearl,
or an improv group turning
an audience suggestion
into a waste of everybody's time.
But I guess it is good to know that
Trump's against Iran being given money.
It makes it a little strange to learn
that this memorandum includes
"at least 300 billion for reconstruction
and economic development" of Iran.
And man, if Iran called Obama
a stupid son of a bitch
for giving them 1.7 billion dollars,
I think we're about to find out
what the Persian word is
for someone 300 times
dumber than that.
As for what the U.S. is getting out
of this,
it seems, not a lot
that we didn't already have.
It's no wonder that even Republicans
have expressed outrage at the deal,
with Ted Cruz calling it
"an exceptionally bad idea"
and the chairman of the Senate
Armed Services Committee saying
it was "completely out of step
with the president's goals."
And they were not alone.
Republican Senator Bill Cassidy
posting,
"Before the war, the strait was open,
Iran was being crushed by sanctions,
and 13 service members
were still alive.
Now, 13 Americans are dead, families
have paid billions at the pump,
sanctions will be lifted,
and the bombing has stopped".
Adding, "This is the worst foreign
policy blunder in decades."
And this morning, President Trump
is firing back at his critics,
saying those who think he hasn't been
tough enough on Iran
are, quote, either,
"jealous, bad people, or stupid."
Look, I get Trump reflexively calling
critics bad and stupid, but jealous?
Who, exactly, is jealous
of Trump right now?
The man just got globally humiliated
by two different bodies of water.
Who's dying
for a piece of that action?
Many observers argue
that this agreement puts Iran
in a stronger position
than it was in before.
Its leaders have already said
that they have plans to introduce fees
to access the Strait of Hormuz,
something they weren't doing
before this war.
And U.S. intelligence agencies
have assessed that Iran
"can shut down access to the
Strait of Hormuz at will from now on",
with one source saying,
"We've now handed Iran
de facto control over the strait,
a weapon more powerful than any nuke."
And of course it is!
Being able to shut down a vital
waterway is extremely powerful!
Remember when this queen
shut down the Suez Canal?
We all had a good laugh
at that, didn't we?
But now imagine she did that
on purpose, as an act of war.
Not so funny now, is it?
Iran essentially now has a button
they can push
to make U.S. gas prices go up,
and Trump has signaled
he'll do absolutely anything
to keep them from pressing it.
So, there is no reason
to think we have leverage
to get a good deal moving forward.
And it is not a great sign
that he's already put JD Vance
in charge of finishing the deal,
and as a Fox News reporter pointed out,
there may be a reason for that.
Is there some element to this
where you send the vice president,
if it works out, great you look
like a genius for sending him,
and if it doesn't work out,
it's the vice president's fault.
I like that idea, sure.
This way if it works out,
I'm gonna take the credit.
If it doesn't work out, I'm blaming
JD! You better be careful, JD!
He's gonna turn his plane around
and get the hell outta here.
Yeah, I like that idea.
Yeah, I bet you do!
You know, the best jokes always
have an element of truth to them.
"You hear that, JD?
Pretty good, right?
Wouldn't that be funny,
your career ending
and me just kind of moving on
to the next thing?
But don't worry, I wouldn't do that,
even though it would be super easy
and I probably will.
My fans tried to murder
the last guy who had your job.
Do you remember that, JD?
They did!"
And look, ultimately, it's gonna be
months of negotiation
before the key details in this deal
are hammered out,
but it seems pretty clear
there isn't gonna be much upside
to Trump's disastrous war,
either for us,
or indeed for Iran's people,
whose hopes of change and
revolution seem to have been dashed.
Looks like Trump's gonna take whatever
crumbs he can get at this point,
give Iran's leadership
whatever it wants,
and leave the rest of us very much
like the Scots left every bar in Boston
this past week: high and fucking dry.
And now, this.
And Now: Men, What Do You Want
For Father's Day?
Father's Day is coming up on Sunday.
So, have anyone planned, you know,
what to do for, say,
Greg or your dad?
No, and I asked Greg
this morning again.
Greg, if you're watching,
like, let me know.
My wife was asking,
what do you want to do?
I'm like, I don't know.
What do you want to do?
Don't you hate it when your kids ask
you, what do you want for Father's Day?
- Yeah.
- Really? What do you want?
As for what people are buying,
the number one, greeting cards.
- That's the one, greeting cards.
- Okay, what do y'all want?
One time we went out to do
some man on the street interviews.
And ask dads,
what do you want for Father's Day?
And they're like, nothing.
What are you doing for Father's Day?
Do you know?
I didn't even realize it was Father's
Day until yesterday, so I have no idea.
Anything, like, for a gift?
Maybe she's watching.
- No, it's fine.
- You don't care about the gift?
- I don't need a gift.
- So, would a mug be fine for you?
- Socks? Draws?
- Sure.
What do you want to do?
I have something to do,
and I can't remember it now.
You asked me too fast.
I don't know.
You know what it is. I know
what I've got to do on Father's Day.
Now this is gonna be gross. But
I gotta get a colonoscopy on Monday.
So, I gotta prep.
Moving on. Our main story tonight
concerns pigs. Fat dogs in tap shoes.
Specifically, we're gonna be talking
about feral pigs, boars or hogs.
They're the things being chased
in this recent viral clip from Poland.
Here's something
you don't see every day,
a humanoid robot
chasing a herd of wild boars.
The now viral video from Poland
shows a robot named Edward,
as it chased the boars out
of a Warsaw neighborhood.
Edward can be heard shouting
"go away" in Polish,
as the animals fled into the forest,
before then waving goodbye.
Yeah, that is real!
Apparently, Poland has a humanoid
robot named Edward,
who took it upon himself
to chase off some feral pigs,
then politely wave them goodbye.
Which is a pretty canny PR campaign
for anthropomorphic robots.
All I'm saying is, that is
a nice way to get us all used to him
before he's inevitably, one day,
used as a weapon of war.
"Oh, no, Edward at The Hague?!
But he was so chill to those pigs!"
But feral hogs aren't just
a problem in Poland,
there are lots of them here
in the U.S., too,
as you may remember from this tweet
that went viral a few years ago.
You might have noticed
that the top trending topic
everywhere seem to be feral hogs.
A bizarre turn of events
which began with a tweet
from a guy named Willie in Arkansas
who added his two cents
to the roiling debate
over banning assault weapons.
Quote, "Legit question
for rural Americans:
how do I kill the 30 to 50 feral hogs
that run into my yard
within three to five minutes
while my small kids play?"
Yeah, the internet absolutely
obsessed over that tweet.
It got its own
Know Your Meme page,
and people responded
with an avalanche of jokes, like,
"My milkshake brings
30-50 feral hogs to the yard."
And "My neck, my back,
my 30-50 feral hog attack."
Which is very funny.
Twitter used to be good.
But that guy wasn't exaggerating
about the potential threat of hogs.
Because it turns out,
they're actually a massive problem.
As big as 400 pounds, fast as a car,
sharp-toothed, and aggressive.
Feral hogs, wild boars, razorbacks,
whatever you call them,
they are one of the most
destructive species in America.
That is true.
Feral hogs are one of the most
destructive species in the country.
Which is genuinely shocking.
Because look at that thing.
It looks adorable.
Like learning the number one producer
of carbon emissions is Baymax.
Sure, he's a robotic healthcare
provider who looks like a marshmallow,
but his farts are responsible
for killing most of the bees.
And if that wasn't already bad enough,
feral hogs are also spreading
at an alarming rate,
and not just in rural America.
Just listen to this man,
who lives in a suburb of Dallas.
Ted Faulkner has lived in
South Mesquite for 17 years.
They look like cows.
And the entire time
he's dealt with feral hogs.
As of late, he says they've been
coming around more frequently.
Oh, my god!
There are six to eight to 10 hogs.
And some are as large as cows.
Yeah, that's not a one-off either.
There's a bunch of Ring camera footage
of feral hogs roaming
various U.S. suburbs.
Hogs can now officially join the usual
blend of Ring camera content:
dancing UPS drivers, raccoons
being sneaky little guys
and screaming confrontations
between neighbors
as the increasing technological
distance between us converts
what was once a shared community
into a paranoid surveillance dystopia.
You know, Ring camera stuff.
The point is, there are more feral
hogs in the U.S. than you may think.
The USDA estimates
there are currently over
six million feral swine in the U.S.,
and that they're responsible
for over 3 billion dollars in damage
to U.S. agriculture each year.
And they are spreading fast.
In the past 30 years,
hogs have expanded their range
from 20 states to 36.
And experts have referred to their
increase in numbers as a "pig bomb"
that could have devastating effects
on food production and the environment.
Which is surprising both on its face,
and because I cannot believe
that "pig bomb" hadn't been taken
by something on the Denny's menu.
And all of that isn't even taking
into account stories like this.
A warning this morning about
the growing dangers from feral hogs.
Pigs were blamed for the gruesome
death of a woman in Texas last week,
and now experts are saying
that incidents like these
are likely to become more common
across the United States.
Milder winters caused
by climate change
are helping the population explode.
Wild pigs are destructive, they are
extremely difficult to control
and they are statistically
more dangerous than sharks.
Yeah, that's actually true.
Wild pigs have killed
slightly more people than sharks
worldwide in the past 20 years.
Although, to be fair, statistically,
lots of animals
are more dangerous than sharks.
Cows kill more people than they do,
for example.
Yet the cowards at Discovery Channel
still refuse to do Cow Week.
Why?
Because they're afraid of cows.
As, to be honest,
they fucking should be.
Now, luckily, it is still
not likely feral hogs will kill you.
But as you're about to see, they can
still do a lot of damage in other ways,
to the point where
"many researchers consider them
the most destructive invasive
species on the planet."
So given that, tonight,
let's talk about feral hogs:
where they came from, the damage
they do, and how we can fight back.
And let's start with the fact that
feral hogs aren't native to the U.S.
In fact, "no pig or any other member
of the swine family
is native
to the Western Hemisphere."
But over the centuries, as people
came from all over the world,
they brought pigs with them,
first, domesticated pigs were brought
over by Christopher Columbus,
in what's remembered
as his only moral failing.
And later, in the 19th century,
they were joined by wild boar,
brought over to provide a new game
species for wealthy hunters.
Many of those pigs and boars
then escaped captivity
and, in some cases, bred together,
eventually becoming the hybrid feral
swine that we have today.
And part of the reason
they survived so well in the wild
is that aside from humans,
pigs have very few natural predators.
They're also incredibly resourceful.
They can eat a variety of foods.
And while they mainly
thrive in southern states,
even in cold climates,
they can burrow into the snow,
creating so-called "pigloos"
to survive the winter.
Which is, and this is true, cute.
They also apparently maintain
complex social relationships,
can choose to resolve conflicts
without violence,
and seem to understand
what they see in a mirror.
Which, obviously, we already knew.
She can resolve
conflicts without violence,
she just chooses not to.
If there's one thing a pig is gonna do,
it's escalate the situation.
As for the prevalence of these hogs,
a key thing you need to understand is,
they cannot stop fucking.
One sow becomes reproductively active
when she's seven or eight months old.
She can have a litter
of six every time she has a litter.
So, in five years, one sow
could have 1,000 descendants.
Yeah, that is a lot of pig births!
And look,
I don't wanna say I told you so,
but I do think it's time for us
to admit
that abstinence-only pig sex
education just isn't working.
Because the pigs are gonna fuck.
Look at me!
The pigs are gonna fuck!
And as their population has grown,
feral hogs have begun to drift
from rural environments into
suburban and even urban ones.
It can be pretty alarming to suddenly
see them in your neighborhood.
Residents in the southern section
of the Florida Shores subdivision,
around 35th and Yule Tree,
woke up this morning
to find their lawns looking like tossed
salad. And it's not the first time.
They're fed up with wild hogs having
their way with the properties here.
Like they're playing.
Excellent. I want to see that man
weigh in on all local news stories.
A stabbing at the local strip mall?
"They're taking knives out,
going 'ree, ree, ree' and then
the blood 'psshhh, psshhh.'
The guy's all like 'owww, the light!'
you know, like he's dying."
But as silly as doing
a pig impression on the news is,
any time you have wild animals crossing
over into heavily populated areas,
it can be very dangerous.
As one expert said, "hitting
a two- or 300-pound pig on a highway
is not that much different than
hitting a two- or 300-pound rock."
And it's not just cars,
two F-16 fighter jets crashed
after they hit pigs on a runway.
But the main damage these hogs do
is environmental,
as they not only eat farmers' crops,
but can destroy seedlings
by rooting in the dirt.
There are fields that have been
totally destroyed by them.
And while they are rooting, hogs can
break up irrigation lines
and infrastructure on farms,
and leave holes in fields
that can "sink a tractor
and destroy expensive equipment."
And the thing is, they seem
to do this no matter the crop.
One expert even said,
"We haven't been able to find a crop
that feral swine won't eat."
That includes everything from
corn to soybeans to peanuts.
Apparently, hogs love peanuts.
And don't just take that from me,
listen to this former
state agriculture commissioner.
Hogs love peanuts.
See?
See? I told you that!
You didn't believe me, though,
did you?
You thought, "Bullshit,
you're the last person I'd trust
to tell me
whether or not hogs love peanuts."
Now that Mississippi Commissioner
of Agriculture and Commerce,
Lester Spell, says it,
suddenly, you're all,
"Oh, everyone knows hogs love
peanuts, John. That's not news."
And on top of all this,
hogs will even threaten livestock.
The big boars are our main problem.
They will kill the newborn lambs
and kid goats that are right there
on the mating ground
because that's when they're most
vulnerable is when they're young,
and they'll come along through there
and they'll eat those kids and lambs,
just like a three-year-old
would M&Ms.
Yeah, that's pretty alarming, isn't it?
Though, quick sidenote
on his analogy there,
you don't have to be three years old
to hork down a bowl of M&Ms.
No one is savoring them at any age.
No elders are out there
digging in with a knife and a fork.
No, the FDA classifies M&Ms
as an inhalant for a reason.
The proper way to eat them
is to pour them into your open mouth
like a baby bird and feel
absolutely nothing afterwards.
And it's not just lambs. Hogs prey
on fawns and endangered salamanders,
and raid the clutches of ground-nesting
birds and threatened sea turtles.
In fact, one expert said that,
"We've taken feral swine
and in necropsies shown
their entire stomach and intestines
are full of baby sea turtles."
Which is one of the most disturbing
things you could possibly find
inside of a dead hog, other than maybe
skeleton labeled "The Real Tom Hanks."
I have so many questions there,
including why the nametag?
Also, if he's in there,
who was in "A Man Called Otto"?
You know, I guess it turns out
I ended up only having two questions,
but they are big ones,
and I do want answers.
And when you take hogs' impact
on agriculture and wildlife together,
it is no wonder some
of those who study them
describe hogs in apocalyptic terms.
Feral hogs
are an ecological trainwreck.
Feral hogs are competitors
for native wildlife,
they're nest predators for anything
that lays an egg on the ground,
and they're
a significant source of mortality
for sensitive species
and endangered species.
Right. It turns out, ever since pigs
showed up in America, they've set
about annihilating any living
thing they came into contact with.
So, I guess being around
Christopher Columbus
must've really rubbed off on them.
It's been estimated that feral swine
have played a role in the decline
of nearly 300 native plants
and animals in the U.S. alone.
Over 250 of which
are threatened or endangered.
In fact, research shows that
a habitat where hogs are present
is more than a quarter less biologically
diverse than one where they are not.
And if you are still not convinced
that hogs are bad news, first,
congratulations on being the biggest
ride-or-die hog fan on the planet.
And second, we haven't even gotten
to the potential for disease outbreaks.
Feral swine carry over 30 pathogens
and 40 parasites,
many of which can infect wildlife.
They can introduce diseases
like giardia, salmonella,
and E. coli into the water supply.
And the worry is
that an outbreak involving feral pigs
would be incredibly difficult
to contain.
But even the diseases
that don't threaten humans directly
can still carry other risks.
For instance, pseudorabies
isn't a threat to people,
but it is usually fatal
to other animals.
Then there is African swine fever,
which thankfully hasn't shown up
in America yet,
but given
our growing feral hog population,
it could only be a matter of time.
One expert warned,
"If an animal disease
like African swine fever or
hoof-and-mouth gets into these animals,
it will be almost impossible to stop.
It'll shut down our livestock industry."
And if you're thinking, "Well, sure,
that does sound frightening.
But it's not like infected pigs can
just buy a plane ticket and fly here."
Well, kinda.
Well, some pork problems
at Hartsfield-Jackson.
Airport officials discover
a cooked pig in checked luggage.
Officials say canine Hardy, a member
of the airport's Beagle Brigade,
alerted them to the luggage of
a traveler from Ecuador.
And inside,
specialists discovered this,
a nearly
two-pound roasted pig head.
Look, there have been some happy
moments in my life.
The birth of my children, my wedding,
yadda, yadda, yadda,
but I don't think I've ever experienced
a joy as pure
as that beagle who just found
two pounds of roasted pig face.
When you're an airport dog,
you spend all your time finding
boring things like guns or cocaine.
But that is the face of a dog who
just scored himself a surprise luau.
And look, we're all lucky
that that pig got intercepted.
But I do hope
they were careful in disposing of it.
Because experts that we talked
to pointed out that,
if it had been infected,
hadn't been fully cooked,
and was just dumped into a landfill,
feral hogs often feed there,
and could well have ended up
spreading the disease anyway.
The point here is, clearly,
an uncontrolled feral hog population
is bad for a lot of reasons.
And we've actually been trying
all sorts of ways to contain it,
but with varying degrees of success.
First, there is hunting.
Sport hunting can undeniably
be a powerful tool
for controlling animal populations.
And some states have loosened laws
to encourage more pig hunting
in particular, eliminating
seasons and bag limits,
and basically doing everything
they can to encourage hunters
to kill as many hogs as possible, with
Texas probably going the furthest.
It is now legal to kill a feral hog
in the state of Texas,
even if you don't have
a hunting license.
This law is the least restrictive yet
for Texas property owners.
No questions asked,
no hunting license needed.
Yeah, no license,
no questions asked.
Although I guess if any state
was going to lead the way on this,
it was always going to be Texas,
the place where local news
starts every morning
with a list of the things
it's now legal to kill.
"Good morning, Texas.
Today, it's mimes!
Yeah, mimes are on the list.
So, grab your gun and happy hunting!
I've already got my mime call
right here. Yeah, it's silent.
It's just a little bit of mime-hunting
fun for all of us there.
Seriously though,
it's open season on mimes today.
Go ahead and put them
in a little box."
And with encouragement like that,
it is no surprise that,
after white-tailed deer,
feral pigs are now
the most popular big game
animal in North America.
And that can seem like a win-win.
After all,
hogs need to be gotten rid of,
and hunters love going after them,
especially because
they're a challenging quarry,
because they are so smart.
For instance, hunters used
to go after them during the day,
but pigs then responded
by becoming largely nocturnal.
And that intelligence has created
a cottage industry of techniques
to try and outsmart pigs, including
my absolute favorite, this device.
Okay, for you hunters
that hog hunt, this is it.
Knight & Hale's hog call.
With this one,
all you gotta do is blow in it
and just see that hog out there.
You know the sound.
That's the hog call
by Knight & Hale.
Yeah, is it though?
I mean, I guess it depends,
are hogs attracted to the sound
of a kazoo being violently murdered?
Look, I'm no expert in hog calling,
but I do have it on pretty good
authority what they sound like.
Exactly. Maybe consult
with that guy next time.
But while some hog hunters
rely on calls,
others have resorted
to much more extreme advantages.
The problem has gotten so bad here,
it's legal to hunt hogs from the sky.
It's loaded.
You don't even need a license to kill,
firing out of so-called "porkchoppers".
We'll get him out in the open.
Let's get him out in that open.
The helicopter hog hunting is
the most effective way to hunt pigs.
- Good shot, baby!
- Thank you!
It's true. People now
hunt hogs from helicopters,
which sounds
like the sort of activity you'd plan
if you asked ChatGPT to invent a new
bachelor party activity from scratch.
And apparently, they are genuinely
called "porkchoppers",
which is clearly very good.
When you come up with a pun
like that, what are you gonna do,
not shoot rifles
at pigs from aircraft? Come on.
Porkchoppering has now become
an extremely popular way to hunt hogs.
Not only does the USDA do it,
but states like Texas have turned it
into something of a tourism industry.
A few years ago, Texas even legalized
hunting hogs by hot-air balloon,
something nobody seems
to have been interested in doing,
given the head of the Balloon
Federation of America told reporters,
"I have never had a phone call
from anybody asking to do this.
I think that people have not
stopped laughing yet."
And you know a proposal is stupid
when it's laughed down by the head
of the Balloon Federation of America.
But there are real problems
with just relying on hunting
to be the solution here.
For one, hogs are reproducing
faster than they can be hunted.
To eradicate them, their population
must drop 60 to 80% each year.
And in a busy year, recreational
hunters kill only about 24%.
But hunting isn't just insufficient,
it may be making this problem worse.
Because hogs are such
an appealing game animal,
some businesses started
transporting them to new states,
so that
they could be hunted there.
And unsurprisingly,
many of those who imported pigs
to their area for hunting
have since come
to seriously regret that.
A lot of these hunters and hunting
clubs can remember 20 or 30 years ago
when pigs were actually brought in.
Now,
if you ask those people today,
they would tell you
they made a huge mistake.
Yeah, I bet! And look, I might be
inclined to be more sympathetic
to someone who brought animals
where they don't belong
because they thought it would be fun,
only to lose control of them
and watch them destroy everything,
if that wasn't literally
the plot of "Jurassic Park".
Or, in this case, I guess,
"Jurassic Pork," obviously.
So clearly, hunting isn't going
to be the sole answer here.
But unfortunately, every other
option also has its pros and cons.
For instance, there is trapping,
which allows you to capture entire
groups of hogs at the same time.
That sounds good!
The challenge there, though,
is that pigs, as I've mentioned,
are very smart,
and they tend to learn fast.
I have traps that I no longer use
because the hogs have figured out
how to get out of them.
See how they're piling up?
They're forming a pig pyramid.
It's kind of for protection,
they try to get underneath each other.
They'll attack that corner.
And a lot of times what they do
is they'll run out over the top
of each other and jump out.
Yeah, that's both impressive,
and also pretty humbling.
Pigs get caught in a trap once
and instantly figure out
how to get out of it.
Meanwhile, this morning,
I pushed a door that said "pull"
in the building I've worked in
for 13 years.
And they might not even need to build
something elaborate as a pig pyramid,
given that sometimes they'll get out
with pure determination,
as this man discovered when he taunted
a pig that he found in his trap.
He a little pissed off.
How you doing, buddy?
Let's see, look at this.
Oh, fuck.
Motherfucker!
There are very few instances
of someone being as completely
owned by a pig as that.
It's basically just that guy,
and the sheepdog who came in second
at the end of the movie "Babe".
"I just lost a sheep herding contest
to a pig. What do I even do now?"
And the crucial thing
about trapping pigs is,
you need to catch the entire
group, or sounder, all at once.
Because if you don't get
the whole sounder,
the trap in that location
is no longer really viable,
because they'll basically communicate,
that's not some place to go.
That is why some have pushed for
a more extreme alternative: poison.
Researchers have spent years
testing poison options,
but unfortunately,
the ideal hog bait,
one that can kill them humanely
without risking hurting people
or other animals,
hasn't been discovered yet.
And not for lack of trying.
A few years back,
Texas' agriculture commissioner pushed
for the use of a poison called Warfarin,
under the brand name Kaput,
but many hunters,
wildlife organizations,
and pork producers pushed back,
citing the obvious issue
with introducing a toxic ingredient
into a whole ecosystem.
Because you got a deer
comes up and eats it, he dies.
A buzzard comes up
and eats the deer, he dies.
Then you got coons that eat
the leftovers that are on the ground.
They die. I mean, you never know.
It's just a chain reaction.
Yeah, that makes sense,
doesn't it?
It's not like you can just put up
a sign in the woods that says,
"Delicious treats for pigs only,"
for a bunch of reasons.
One, deer can't read, and two,
raccoons famously
don't recognize authority.
"Fuck you, oppressor!
Live free and eat trash!"
Researchers have tried to develop
all sorts of tactics
to ensure that only pigs
eat poison bait,
including putting it in a container
with a 17-pound lid,
although unfortunately,
that still doesn't keep out bears,
who would remain at risk
of getting poisoned.
They've even tried this.
A new type of feeder
is being tested at LSU
that would only distribute
poisoned bait
through technology that recognizes
feral hogs through their voice.
According to Commissioner Strain,
this oink recognition technology
could usher the return of Kaput
if it proves to just target pigs.
Look, it is not the point, but credit
to whoever wrote the phrase,
"This oink recognition technology
could usher in the return of Kaput."
Because that is just
a beautiful concussion of words.
There should be
a mini-Pulitzer for sentences,
and it should be yours.
Unfortunately, though,
there are real questions regarding
cruelty when it comes to Warfarin,
as it can cause a slow, days-long
death due to internal bleeding.
That is why, when Australia
considered using it,
it eventually concluded that
the method of death was so cruel
that use of Warfarin
should be outlawed.
Meanwhile, still other researchers have
looked into contraceptive bait,
which would neutralize
hogs' ability to reproduce.
Which honestly sounds
like the best solution here.
There's even a product out there
right now called Hogstop,
which claims it is effective
at lowering sperm count in boars.
The problem there though is it is
female hogs that drive fertility,
given that one sow can have multiple
male pig fathers in a given litter.
So ideally, there'd be a contraceptive
targeting the sows as well as the boars,
but there isn't yet.
The bottom line here is that
as it stands, no single method
is gonna be able to control
our feral hog population by itself.
Instead, it's gonna take
a bunch of tools.
And the key is to use them wisely,
because all of them could backfire.
That's gonna mean hunting without
incentivizing the spread of pigs,
trapping in a way that doesn't
teach hogs to avoid traps,
and devising a toxic bait
that isn't unnecessarily cruel,
and doesn't do even more damage
to the environment.
And success is going to look different
depending on where you live.
In states with new or small hog
populations, eradication is possible.
Iowa, New York, and Idaho
have all managed to eliminate
feral hog populations because they
addressed the problem early on.
But for the hardest hit states,
like Texas,
the truth is, eradication
is never likely to happen.
In fact, researchers determined
Texas would need to remove
approximately two million wild pigs
per year
just to keep three million
of them on the landscape.
Which is a hell of a lot of hog killing
to still have a hell of a lot of hogs.
Look, let's face it here,
the hard truth is that feral hogs
are probably always gonna be with us
in some capacity.
But that doesn't mean
we have to surrender.
In fact, we shouldn't surrender.
Because if I've learned one thing
from the movies,
it's that whenever America gets
invaded, it fights back immediately,
after, that is, an appropriate
pause for an inspirational speech.
And if that is what America
needs right now,
then that is what it's gonna get.
Because look, I'm not saying
that this is gonna be easy.
But believe me,
if we work together,
we can look this hog invasion
straight in its beady little eyes,
and start pushing back!
You know, we can turn back
this pig tide, if we stand together.
We can defuse this pig bomb.
And we can push their population
back down to a manageable level.
Because right now,
they think they've beaten us,
just because these hogs are able
to routinely eat our crops
and destroy our fighter jets,
and snack on our baby turtles.
So, we need to respond,
with ingenuity, with grit
and I can't believe
I'm about to say this,
with a judicious application
of assault helicopters!
- I've got a gun!
- Good. Then you can bring it!
I've got a bucket of poison!
Actually, that needs more research,
so let's hold off on using it now,
and circle back later
when the science improves.
I've got
all these hog-sized condoms!
I absolutely love to hear it!
But unless you've got an IUD for pigs,
it's just not gonna be enough!
What I'm saying here is,
we need to work together.
In fact, you know what,
we have to work together.
And if we do, if we can catch
this menace by its curly little tail,
then I promise you, this will be
our swine-dependence day!
Yeah!
For all the hogs out there watching,
I have just one thing to say to you.
They get it! That's our show,
thank you so much for watching.
We'll see you next week,
good night!
I don't know what all that
hand action is but it looks good.
I'm John Oliver. Thank you so much
for joining us! It has been a busy week.
In Chicago, Obama opened
his presidential center.
In D.C., despite Trump
spending 14 million dollars,
the Lincoln Reflecting Pool
looks like Shrek pissed in it.
And in the U.K., Andy Burnham
won the Makerfield by-election
and is now odds-on
to become prime minister.
And here is the moment
the results became clear.
Burnham Andrew Murray, commonly
known as Andy Burnham,
the Labour and Co-operative Party,
24,977.
Yeah, as hard as it is to believe,
everyone on that stage
was running in that election.
Meaning Burnham managed to not
only defeat the Reform UK candidate,
but also Darth Trash Can
and the Meth-tastic Mr. Fox.
Meanwhile, the World Cup continued,
with fans still having a great time,
from Norway's rowing up escalators,
to Dutch supporters
doing the Oranje fan walk,
to Australian fans coming up
with the song of the summer.
Aussie boys we're on a bender,
Donald Trump is a sex offender!
Aussie boys we're on a bender,
Donald Trump is a sex offender!
Aussie boys we're on a bender,
Donald Trump is a sex offender!
Excellent. Until now,
the best thing Australia gave the U.S.
was avocado toast
and Nicole Kidman,
but they have just
topped themselves.
Because seeing drunk Aussies joyously
chanting "Trump's a sex offender"
is the equivalent of looking out
your office window
and seeing tourists eating ice cream
on a double decker bus.
"I didn't even know you could
have that much fun here."
Meanwhile, the Scottish fans
have been in Boston,
making friends wherever they go,
putting cones on statues,
and causing
some real supply chain issues.
If your favorite beer
We've never seen
anything like it.
There's a decent chance Scotland
had something to do with it.
Sam Adams downtown ran out of their
signature Boston Lager over weekend
and needed an emergency delivery
to keep up with World Cup fans.
And they're not the only
ones running dry.
The White Bull Tavern,
there was no beer.
The Scots fans
just drunk the place dry,
and all they had
was like Bud Light.
Yeah, they drank everything
but the Bud Light.
And do you know how bad
a beer has to be
for Scottish people not to drink it?
Their national dish is haggis,
which looks like the sandworm
from "Dune" shit itself.
They'll eat that happily, but they draw
the line at America's dick spittle,
a beverage that, on its best day,
tastes like piss-flavored La Croix.
But it is true: Scotland fans have
been drinking Boston dry,
with one employee of
a downtown bar saying,
"We've been here for over 30 years,
and we've never seen anything like it.
We tripled St.Patrick's Day."
Which is wild!
I guess the Scots saw the way
Bostonians drink and said,
"Hold my beer,
while I chug three more."
Apparently, when one customer
came into a Boston liquor store
and purchased two bottles of water,
a bunch of Scotland fans in the store
booed her for the purchase.
And while that is
obviously very funny,
I do have to look at it
from that woman's perspective:
she had a hard day at the office,
she's a paralegal, I'm guessing.
Her doctor keeps telling her
to hydrate more.
So, she leaves work, after hours,
as usual,
and stops at the nearest spot,
a liquor store.
She doesn't drink anymore,
not since the accident,
but it's pouring rain and her ex got
all the umbrellas in the divorce.
She rushes inside,
grabs two water bottles,
and heads to the checkout,
rifling through credit cards,
hoping one will go through,
she makes a good wage,
but online poker was the devil
that she could never ignore.
She taps, it works, thankfully.
But then she spots
the clerk's nametag, "Kyle".
That was his name,
her eyes glaze, and her mind
drifts back to summer 2006:
sleepaway camp, and the most
beautiful boy she'd ever seen,
Kyle Kirkpatrick.
She realizes her grandma
was right:
the worst part of growing up isn't
the wrinkles or the restraining orders,
it's that you never know
you're in the best days of your life
until they're over.
And then she's suddenly
snapped back to reality
by a mob of redheads
booing her face.
And that is why
it's impossible to be a woman.
Anyway.
The World Cup's still very fun.
But the big news this week
concerned Iran.
A week ago, Trump announced
a deal to end his war, posting,
"The deal with the Islamic
Republic of Iran is now complete.
Congratulations to all! Ships of
the world, start your engines.
Let the oil flow!" Like a real
Cha-Cha DiGregorio in "Grease".
And on Wednesday, Trump signed
a "memorandum of understanding".
And it quickly became clear this was
less a comprehensive peace deal
and more "a plan to eventually
have one",
with some pretty big holes in it.
The agreement calls for the war
to end on all fronts
including Israel's strikes
against Hezbollah in Lebanon,
but the Israelis, who have been
the U.S.'s partner in this war,
but were not involved in this deal,
have made clear they aren't
withdrawing from Lebanon.
In the document, Iran does not commit
to destroying its nuclear stockpile.
The deal only states that
they've agreed to negotiate the issue
further over the next 60 days.
Yeah, this agreement doesn't even
address Iran's nuclear program,
supposedly the whole point
of this war in the first place.
And anyone can sign an agreement
to just figure things out later.
That is not difficult.
It's the difference between Jonas Salk
discovering the polio vaccine,
and him just writing "I.O.U. one
polio vaccine" on a piece of paper.
Nevertheless, Trump took a full victory
lap, claiming his new deal with Iran
was far better than the one
that Obama made in 2015,
which Trump tore up in his first term,
using some strong language
to describe why.
He gave them 1.7 billion dollars
in cash, green cash, from banks,
into a Boeing 757
and flew it into Iran.
And they stood at the plane,
I have pictures of it, like,
"Oh, my god,
look at this money he's giving us!"
And you know what the Iranians did?
They laughed at Obama
and they said
he's a stupid son of a bitch.
Okay, so lots to unpack there,
but I would like to focus
on "green cash from banks",
yet more evidence this guy
sees everything in cartoons.
"They had billions in cash,
green cash, from banks.
Not the gold pile of money that
the duck jumps into, the other kind.
They flew it to Iran real fast 'cause
the plane went across a little map.
And when the Iranians saw it,
their eyes turned into dollar signs
and their tongues
turned into big wads of cash,
again, green,
like from the banks.
And they were all like
a-wooga, a-wooga!"
But about that supposed
1.7 billion dollars gift,
as has been pointed out
for years now,
that wasn't us just
handing over money,
it was us repaying a debt owed to Iran,
which had bought military equipment
from the U.S. that it never received.
So, as usual, Trump seized
on one actual fact,
the number "1.7 billion",
and layered so much bullshit on top,
it eventually became
something totally different,
like an oyster turning
a grain of sand into a pearl,
or an improv group turning
an audience suggestion
into a waste of everybody's time.
But I guess it is good to know that
Trump's against Iran being given money.
It makes it a little strange to learn
that this memorandum includes
"at least 300 billion for reconstruction
and economic development" of Iran.
And man, if Iran called Obama
a stupid son of a bitch
for giving them 1.7 billion dollars,
I think we're about to find out
what the Persian word is
for someone 300 times
dumber than that.
As for what the U.S. is getting out
of this,
it seems, not a lot
that we didn't already have.
It's no wonder that even Republicans
have expressed outrage at the deal,
with Ted Cruz calling it
"an exceptionally bad idea"
and the chairman of the Senate
Armed Services Committee saying
it was "completely out of step
with the president's goals."
And they were not alone.
Republican Senator Bill Cassidy
posting,
"Before the war, the strait was open,
Iran was being crushed by sanctions,
and 13 service members
were still alive.
Now, 13 Americans are dead, families
have paid billions at the pump,
sanctions will be lifted,
and the bombing has stopped".
Adding, "This is the worst foreign
policy blunder in decades."
And this morning, President Trump
is firing back at his critics,
saying those who think he hasn't been
tough enough on Iran
are, quote, either,
"jealous, bad people, or stupid."
Look, I get Trump reflexively calling
critics bad and stupid, but jealous?
Who, exactly, is jealous
of Trump right now?
The man just got globally humiliated
by two different bodies of water.
Who's dying
for a piece of that action?
Many observers argue
that this agreement puts Iran
in a stronger position
than it was in before.
Its leaders have already said
that they have plans to introduce fees
to access the Strait of Hormuz,
something they weren't doing
before this war.
And U.S. intelligence agencies
have assessed that Iran
"can shut down access to the
Strait of Hormuz at will from now on",
with one source saying,
"We've now handed Iran
de facto control over the strait,
a weapon more powerful than any nuke."
And of course it is!
Being able to shut down a vital
waterway is extremely powerful!
Remember when this queen
shut down the Suez Canal?
We all had a good laugh
at that, didn't we?
But now imagine she did that
on purpose, as an act of war.
Not so funny now, is it?
Iran essentially now has a button
they can push
to make U.S. gas prices go up,
and Trump has signaled
he'll do absolutely anything
to keep them from pressing it.
So, there is no reason
to think we have leverage
to get a good deal moving forward.
And it is not a great sign
that he's already put JD Vance
in charge of finishing the deal,
and as a Fox News reporter pointed out,
there may be a reason for that.
Is there some element to this
where you send the vice president,
if it works out, great you look
like a genius for sending him,
and if it doesn't work out,
it's the vice president's fault.
I like that idea, sure.
This way if it works out,
I'm gonna take the credit.
If it doesn't work out, I'm blaming
JD! You better be careful, JD!
He's gonna turn his plane around
and get the hell outta here.
Yeah, I like that idea.
Yeah, I bet you do!
You know, the best jokes always
have an element of truth to them.
"You hear that, JD?
Pretty good, right?
Wouldn't that be funny,
your career ending
and me just kind of moving on
to the next thing?
But don't worry, I wouldn't do that,
even though it would be super easy
and I probably will.
My fans tried to murder
the last guy who had your job.
Do you remember that, JD?
They did!"
And look, ultimately, it's gonna be
months of negotiation
before the key details in this deal
are hammered out,
but it seems pretty clear
there isn't gonna be much upside
to Trump's disastrous war,
either for us,
or indeed for Iran's people,
whose hopes of change and
revolution seem to have been dashed.
Looks like Trump's gonna take whatever
crumbs he can get at this point,
give Iran's leadership
whatever it wants,
and leave the rest of us very much
like the Scots left every bar in Boston
this past week: high and fucking dry.
And now, this.
And Now: Men, What Do You Want
For Father's Day?
Father's Day is coming up on Sunday.
So, have anyone planned, you know,
what to do for, say,
Greg or your dad?
No, and I asked Greg
this morning again.
Greg, if you're watching,
like, let me know.
My wife was asking,
what do you want to do?
I'm like, I don't know.
What do you want to do?
Don't you hate it when your kids ask
you, what do you want for Father's Day?
- Yeah.
- Really? What do you want?
As for what people are buying,
the number one, greeting cards.
- That's the one, greeting cards.
- Okay, what do y'all want?
One time we went out to do
some man on the street interviews.
And ask dads,
what do you want for Father's Day?
And they're like, nothing.
What are you doing for Father's Day?
Do you know?
I didn't even realize it was Father's
Day until yesterday, so I have no idea.
Anything, like, for a gift?
Maybe she's watching.
- No, it's fine.
- You don't care about the gift?
- I don't need a gift.
- So, would a mug be fine for you?
- Socks? Draws?
- Sure.
What do you want to do?
I have something to do,
and I can't remember it now.
You asked me too fast.
I don't know.
You know what it is. I know
what I've got to do on Father's Day.
Now this is gonna be gross. But
I gotta get a colonoscopy on Monday.
So, I gotta prep.
Moving on. Our main story tonight
concerns pigs. Fat dogs in tap shoes.
Specifically, we're gonna be talking
about feral pigs, boars or hogs.
They're the things being chased
in this recent viral clip from Poland.
Here's something
you don't see every day,
a humanoid robot
chasing a herd of wild boars.
The now viral video from Poland
shows a robot named Edward,
as it chased the boars out
of a Warsaw neighborhood.
Edward can be heard shouting
"go away" in Polish,
as the animals fled into the forest,
before then waving goodbye.
Yeah, that is real!
Apparently, Poland has a humanoid
robot named Edward,
who took it upon himself
to chase off some feral pigs,
then politely wave them goodbye.
Which is a pretty canny PR campaign
for anthropomorphic robots.
All I'm saying is, that is
a nice way to get us all used to him
before he's inevitably, one day,
used as a weapon of war.
"Oh, no, Edward at The Hague?!
But he was so chill to those pigs!"
But feral hogs aren't just
a problem in Poland,
there are lots of them here
in the U.S., too,
as you may remember from this tweet
that went viral a few years ago.
You might have noticed
that the top trending topic
everywhere seem to be feral hogs.
A bizarre turn of events
which began with a tweet
from a guy named Willie in Arkansas
who added his two cents
to the roiling debate
over banning assault weapons.
Quote, "Legit question
for rural Americans:
how do I kill the 30 to 50 feral hogs
that run into my yard
within three to five minutes
while my small kids play?"
Yeah, the internet absolutely
obsessed over that tweet.
It got its own
Know Your Meme page,
and people responded
with an avalanche of jokes, like,
"My milkshake brings
30-50 feral hogs to the yard."
And "My neck, my back,
my 30-50 feral hog attack."
Which is very funny.
Twitter used to be good.
But that guy wasn't exaggerating
about the potential threat of hogs.
Because it turns out,
they're actually a massive problem.
As big as 400 pounds, fast as a car,
sharp-toothed, and aggressive.
Feral hogs, wild boars, razorbacks,
whatever you call them,
they are one of the most
destructive species in America.
That is true.
Feral hogs are one of the most
destructive species in the country.
Which is genuinely shocking.
Because look at that thing.
It looks adorable.
Like learning the number one producer
of carbon emissions is Baymax.
Sure, he's a robotic healthcare
provider who looks like a marshmallow,
but his farts are responsible
for killing most of the bees.
And if that wasn't already bad enough,
feral hogs are also spreading
at an alarming rate,
and not just in rural America.
Just listen to this man,
who lives in a suburb of Dallas.
Ted Faulkner has lived in
South Mesquite for 17 years.
They look like cows.
And the entire time
he's dealt with feral hogs.
As of late, he says they've been
coming around more frequently.
Oh, my god!
There are six to eight to 10 hogs.
And some are as large as cows.
Yeah, that's not a one-off either.
There's a bunch of Ring camera footage
of feral hogs roaming
various U.S. suburbs.
Hogs can now officially join the usual
blend of Ring camera content:
dancing UPS drivers, raccoons
being sneaky little guys
and screaming confrontations
between neighbors
as the increasing technological
distance between us converts
what was once a shared community
into a paranoid surveillance dystopia.
You know, Ring camera stuff.
The point is, there are more feral
hogs in the U.S. than you may think.
The USDA estimates
there are currently over
six million feral swine in the U.S.,
and that they're responsible
for over 3 billion dollars in damage
to U.S. agriculture each year.
And they are spreading fast.
In the past 30 years,
hogs have expanded their range
from 20 states to 36.
And experts have referred to their
increase in numbers as a "pig bomb"
that could have devastating effects
on food production and the environment.
Which is surprising both on its face,
and because I cannot believe
that "pig bomb" hadn't been taken
by something on the Denny's menu.
And all of that isn't even taking
into account stories like this.
A warning this morning about
the growing dangers from feral hogs.
Pigs were blamed for the gruesome
death of a woman in Texas last week,
and now experts are saying
that incidents like these
are likely to become more common
across the United States.
Milder winters caused
by climate change
are helping the population explode.
Wild pigs are destructive, they are
extremely difficult to control
and they are statistically
more dangerous than sharks.
Yeah, that's actually true.
Wild pigs have killed
slightly more people than sharks
worldwide in the past 20 years.
Although, to be fair, statistically,
lots of animals
are more dangerous than sharks.
Cows kill more people than they do,
for example.
Yet the cowards at Discovery Channel
still refuse to do Cow Week.
Why?
Because they're afraid of cows.
As, to be honest,
they fucking should be.
Now, luckily, it is still
not likely feral hogs will kill you.
But as you're about to see, they can
still do a lot of damage in other ways,
to the point where
"many researchers consider them
the most destructive invasive
species on the planet."
So given that, tonight,
let's talk about feral hogs:
where they came from, the damage
they do, and how we can fight back.
And let's start with the fact that
feral hogs aren't native to the U.S.
In fact, "no pig or any other member
of the swine family
is native
to the Western Hemisphere."
But over the centuries, as people
came from all over the world,
they brought pigs with them,
first, domesticated pigs were brought
over by Christopher Columbus,
in what's remembered
as his only moral failing.
And later, in the 19th century,
they were joined by wild boar,
brought over to provide a new game
species for wealthy hunters.
Many of those pigs and boars
then escaped captivity
and, in some cases, bred together,
eventually becoming the hybrid feral
swine that we have today.
And part of the reason
they survived so well in the wild
is that aside from humans,
pigs have very few natural predators.
They're also incredibly resourceful.
They can eat a variety of foods.
And while they mainly
thrive in southern states,
even in cold climates,
they can burrow into the snow,
creating so-called "pigloos"
to survive the winter.
Which is, and this is true, cute.
They also apparently maintain
complex social relationships,
can choose to resolve conflicts
without violence,
and seem to understand
what they see in a mirror.
Which, obviously, we already knew.
She can resolve
conflicts without violence,
she just chooses not to.
If there's one thing a pig is gonna do,
it's escalate the situation.
As for the prevalence of these hogs,
a key thing you need to understand is,
they cannot stop fucking.
One sow becomes reproductively active
when she's seven or eight months old.
She can have a litter
of six every time she has a litter.
So, in five years, one sow
could have 1,000 descendants.
Yeah, that is a lot of pig births!
And look,
I don't wanna say I told you so,
but I do think it's time for us
to admit
that abstinence-only pig sex
education just isn't working.
Because the pigs are gonna fuck.
Look at me!
The pigs are gonna fuck!
And as their population has grown,
feral hogs have begun to drift
from rural environments into
suburban and even urban ones.
It can be pretty alarming to suddenly
see them in your neighborhood.
Residents in the southern section
of the Florida Shores subdivision,
around 35th and Yule Tree,
woke up this morning
to find their lawns looking like tossed
salad. And it's not the first time.
They're fed up with wild hogs having
their way with the properties here.
Like they're playing.
Excellent. I want to see that man
weigh in on all local news stories.
A stabbing at the local strip mall?
"They're taking knives out,
going 'ree, ree, ree' and then
the blood 'psshhh, psshhh.'
The guy's all like 'owww, the light!'
you know, like he's dying."
But as silly as doing
a pig impression on the news is,
any time you have wild animals crossing
over into heavily populated areas,
it can be very dangerous.
As one expert said, "hitting
a two- or 300-pound pig on a highway
is not that much different than
hitting a two- or 300-pound rock."
And it's not just cars,
two F-16 fighter jets crashed
after they hit pigs on a runway.
But the main damage these hogs do
is environmental,
as they not only eat farmers' crops,
but can destroy seedlings
by rooting in the dirt.
There are fields that have been
totally destroyed by them.
And while they are rooting, hogs can
break up irrigation lines
and infrastructure on farms,
and leave holes in fields
that can "sink a tractor
and destroy expensive equipment."
And the thing is, they seem
to do this no matter the crop.
One expert even said,
"We haven't been able to find a crop
that feral swine won't eat."
That includes everything from
corn to soybeans to peanuts.
Apparently, hogs love peanuts.
And don't just take that from me,
listen to this former
state agriculture commissioner.
Hogs love peanuts.
See?
See? I told you that!
You didn't believe me, though,
did you?
You thought, "Bullshit,
you're the last person I'd trust
to tell me
whether or not hogs love peanuts."
Now that Mississippi Commissioner
of Agriculture and Commerce,
Lester Spell, says it,
suddenly, you're all,
"Oh, everyone knows hogs love
peanuts, John. That's not news."
And on top of all this,
hogs will even threaten livestock.
The big boars are our main problem.
They will kill the newborn lambs
and kid goats that are right there
on the mating ground
because that's when they're most
vulnerable is when they're young,
and they'll come along through there
and they'll eat those kids and lambs,
just like a three-year-old
would M&Ms.
Yeah, that's pretty alarming, isn't it?
Though, quick sidenote
on his analogy there,
you don't have to be three years old
to hork down a bowl of M&Ms.
No one is savoring them at any age.
No elders are out there
digging in with a knife and a fork.
No, the FDA classifies M&Ms
as an inhalant for a reason.
The proper way to eat them
is to pour them into your open mouth
like a baby bird and feel
absolutely nothing afterwards.
And it's not just lambs. Hogs prey
on fawns and endangered salamanders,
and raid the clutches of ground-nesting
birds and threatened sea turtles.
In fact, one expert said that,
"We've taken feral swine
and in necropsies shown
their entire stomach and intestines
are full of baby sea turtles."
Which is one of the most disturbing
things you could possibly find
inside of a dead hog, other than maybe
skeleton labeled "The Real Tom Hanks."
I have so many questions there,
including why the nametag?
Also, if he's in there,
who was in "A Man Called Otto"?
You know, I guess it turns out
I ended up only having two questions,
but they are big ones,
and I do want answers.
And when you take hogs' impact
on agriculture and wildlife together,
it is no wonder some
of those who study them
describe hogs in apocalyptic terms.
Feral hogs
are an ecological trainwreck.
Feral hogs are competitors
for native wildlife,
they're nest predators for anything
that lays an egg on the ground,
and they're
a significant source of mortality
for sensitive species
and endangered species.
Right. It turns out, ever since pigs
showed up in America, they've set
about annihilating any living
thing they came into contact with.
So, I guess being around
Christopher Columbus
must've really rubbed off on them.
It's been estimated that feral swine
have played a role in the decline
of nearly 300 native plants
and animals in the U.S. alone.
Over 250 of which
are threatened or endangered.
In fact, research shows that
a habitat where hogs are present
is more than a quarter less biologically
diverse than one where they are not.
And if you are still not convinced
that hogs are bad news, first,
congratulations on being the biggest
ride-or-die hog fan on the planet.
And second, we haven't even gotten
to the potential for disease outbreaks.
Feral swine carry over 30 pathogens
and 40 parasites,
many of which can infect wildlife.
They can introduce diseases
like giardia, salmonella,
and E. coli into the water supply.
And the worry is
that an outbreak involving feral pigs
would be incredibly difficult
to contain.
But even the diseases
that don't threaten humans directly
can still carry other risks.
For instance, pseudorabies
isn't a threat to people,
but it is usually fatal
to other animals.
Then there is African swine fever,
which thankfully hasn't shown up
in America yet,
but given
our growing feral hog population,
it could only be a matter of time.
One expert warned,
"If an animal disease
like African swine fever or
hoof-and-mouth gets into these animals,
it will be almost impossible to stop.
It'll shut down our livestock industry."
And if you're thinking, "Well, sure,
that does sound frightening.
But it's not like infected pigs can
just buy a plane ticket and fly here."
Well, kinda.
Well, some pork problems
at Hartsfield-Jackson.
Airport officials discover
a cooked pig in checked luggage.
Officials say canine Hardy, a member
of the airport's Beagle Brigade,
alerted them to the luggage of
a traveler from Ecuador.
And inside,
specialists discovered this,
a nearly
two-pound roasted pig head.
Look, there have been some happy
moments in my life.
The birth of my children, my wedding,
yadda, yadda, yadda,
but I don't think I've ever experienced
a joy as pure
as that beagle who just found
two pounds of roasted pig face.
When you're an airport dog,
you spend all your time finding
boring things like guns or cocaine.
But that is the face of a dog who
just scored himself a surprise luau.
And look, we're all lucky
that that pig got intercepted.
But I do hope
they were careful in disposing of it.
Because experts that we talked
to pointed out that,
if it had been infected,
hadn't been fully cooked,
and was just dumped into a landfill,
feral hogs often feed there,
and could well have ended up
spreading the disease anyway.
The point here is, clearly,
an uncontrolled feral hog population
is bad for a lot of reasons.
And we've actually been trying
all sorts of ways to contain it,
but with varying degrees of success.
First, there is hunting.
Sport hunting can undeniably
be a powerful tool
for controlling animal populations.
And some states have loosened laws
to encourage more pig hunting
in particular, eliminating
seasons and bag limits,
and basically doing everything
they can to encourage hunters
to kill as many hogs as possible, with
Texas probably going the furthest.
It is now legal to kill a feral hog
in the state of Texas,
even if you don't have
a hunting license.
This law is the least restrictive yet
for Texas property owners.
No questions asked,
no hunting license needed.
Yeah, no license,
no questions asked.
Although I guess if any state
was going to lead the way on this,
it was always going to be Texas,
the place where local news
starts every morning
with a list of the things
it's now legal to kill.
"Good morning, Texas.
Today, it's mimes!
Yeah, mimes are on the list.
So, grab your gun and happy hunting!
I've already got my mime call
right here. Yeah, it's silent.
It's just a little bit of mime-hunting
fun for all of us there.
Seriously though,
it's open season on mimes today.
Go ahead and put them
in a little box."
And with encouragement like that,
it is no surprise that,
after white-tailed deer,
feral pigs are now
the most popular big game
animal in North America.
And that can seem like a win-win.
After all,
hogs need to be gotten rid of,
and hunters love going after them,
especially because
they're a challenging quarry,
because they are so smart.
For instance, hunters used
to go after them during the day,
but pigs then responded
by becoming largely nocturnal.
And that intelligence has created
a cottage industry of techniques
to try and outsmart pigs, including
my absolute favorite, this device.
Okay, for you hunters
that hog hunt, this is it.
Knight & Hale's hog call.
With this one,
all you gotta do is blow in it
and just see that hog out there.
You know the sound.
That's the hog call
by Knight & Hale.
Yeah, is it though?
I mean, I guess it depends,
are hogs attracted to the sound
of a kazoo being violently murdered?
Look, I'm no expert in hog calling,
but I do have it on pretty good
authority what they sound like.
Exactly. Maybe consult
with that guy next time.
But while some hog hunters
rely on calls,
others have resorted
to much more extreme advantages.
The problem has gotten so bad here,
it's legal to hunt hogs from the sky.
It's loaded.
You don't even need a license to kill,
firing out of so-called "porkchoppers".
We'll get him out in the open.
Let's get him out in that open.
The helicopter hog hunting is
the most effective way to hunt pigs.
- Good shot, baby!
- Thank you!
It's true. People now
hunt hogs from helicopters,
which sounds
like the sort of activity you'd plan
if you asked ChatGPT to invent a new
bachelor party activity from scratch.
And apparently, they are genuinely
called "porkchoppers",
which is clearly very good.
When you come up with a pun
like that, what are you gonna do,
not shoot rifles
at pigs from aircraft? Come on.
Porkchoppering has now become
an extremely popular way to hunt hogs.
Not only does the USDA do it,
but states like Texas have turned it
into something of a tourism industry.
A few years ago, Texas even legalized
hunting hogs by hot-air balloon,
something nobody seems
to have been interested in doing,
given the head of the Balloon
Federation of America told reporters,
"I have never had a phone call
from anybody asking to do this.
I think that people have not
stopped laughing yet."
And you know a proposal is stupid
when it's laughed down by the head
of the Balloon Federation of America.
But there are real problems
with just relying on hunting
to be the solution here.
For one, hogs are reproducing
faster than they can be hunted.
To eradicate them, their population
must drop 60 to 80% each year.
And in a busy year, recreational
hunters kill only about 24%.
But hunting isn't just insufficient,
it may be making this problem worse.
Because hogs are such
an appealing game animal,
some businesses started
transporting them to new states,
so that
they could be hunted there.
And unsurprisingly,
many of those who imported pigs
to their area for hunting
have since come
to seriously regret that.
A lot of these hunters and hunting
clubs can remember 20 or 30 years ago
when pigs were actually brought in.
Now,
if you ask those people today,
they would tell you
they made a huge mistake.
Yeah, I bet! And look, I might be
inclined to be more sympathetic
to someone who brought animals
where they don't belong
because they thought it would be fun,
only to lose control of them
and watch them destroy everything,
if that wasn't literally
the plot of "Jurassic Park".
Or, in this case, I guess,
"Jurassic Pork," obviously.
So clearly, hunting isn't going
to be the sole answer here.
But unfortunately, every other
option also has its pros and cons.
For instance, there is trapping,
which allows you to capture entire
groups of hogs at the same time.
That sounds good!
The challenge there, though,
is that pigs, as I've mentioned,
are very smart,
and they tend to learn fast.
I have traps that I no longer use
because the hogs have figured out
how to get out of them.
See how they're piling up?
They're forming a pig pyramid.
It's kind of for protection,
they try to get underneath each other.
They'll attack that corner.
And a lot of times what they do
is they'll run out over the top
of each other and jump out.
Yeah, that's both impressive,
and also pretty humbling.
Pigs get caught in a trap once
and instantly figure out
how to get out of it.
Meanwhile, this morning,
I pushed a door that said "pull"
in the building I've worked in
for 13 years.
And they might not even need to build
something elaborate as a pig pyramid,
given that sometimes they'll get out
with pure determination,
as this man discovered when he taunted
a pig that he found in his trap.
He a little pissed off.
How you doing, buddy?
Let's see, look at this.
Oh, fuck.
Motherfucker!
There are very few instances
of someone being as completely
owned by a pig as that.
It's basically just that guy,
and the sheepdog who came in second
at the end of the movie "Babe".
"I just lost a sheep herding contest
to a pig. What do I even do now?"
And the crucial thing
about trapping pigs is,
you need to catch the entire
group, or sounder, all at once.
Because if you don't get
the whole sounder,
the trap in that location
is no longer really viable,
because they'll basically communicate,
that's not some place to go.
That is why some have pushed for
a more extreme alternative: poison.
Researchers have spent years
testing poison options,
but unfortunately,
the ideal hog bait,
one that can kill them humanely
without risking hurting people
or other animals,
hasn't been discovered yet.
And not for lack of trying.
A few years back,
Texas' agriculture commissioner pushed
for the use of a poison called Warfarin,
under the brand name Kaput,
but many hunters,
wildlife organizations,
and pork producers pushed back,
citing the obvious issue
with introducing a toxic ingredient
into a whole ecosystem.
Because you got a deer
comes up and eats it, he dies.
A buzzard comes up
and eats the deer, he dies.
Then you got coons that eat
the leftovers that are on the ground.
They die. I mean, you never know.
It's just a chain reaction.
Yeah, that makes sense,
doesn't it?
It's not like you can just put up
a sign in the woods that says,
"Delicious treats for pigs only,"
for a bunch of reasons.
One, deer can't read, and two,
raccoons famously
don't recognize authority.
"Fuck you, oppressor!
Live free and eat trash!"
Researchers have tried to develop
all sorts of tactics
to ensure that only pigs
eat poison bait,
including putting it in a container
with a 17-pound lid,
although unfortunately,
that still doesn't keep out bears,
who would remain at risk
of getting poisoned.
They've even tried this.
A new type of feeder
is being tested at LSU
that would only distribute
poisoned bait
through technology that recognizes
feral hogs through their voice.
According to Commissioner Strain,
this oink recognition technology
could usher the return of Kaput
if it proves to just target pigs.
Look, it is not the point, but credit
to whoever wrote the phrase,
"This oink recognition technology
could usher in the return of Kaput."
Because that is just
a beautiful concussion of words.
There should be
a mini-Pulitzer for sentences,
and it should be yours.
Unfortunately, though,
there are real questions regarding
cruelty when it comes to Warfarin,
as it can cause a slow, days-long
death due to internal bleeding.
That is why, when Australia
considered using it,
it eventually concluded that
the method of death was so cruel
that use of Warfarin
should be outlawed.
Meanwhile, still other researchers have
looked into contraceptive bait,
which would neutralize
hogs' ability to reproduce.
Which honestly sounds
like the best solution here.
There's even a product out there
right now called Hogstop,
which claims it is effective
at lowering sperm count in boars.
The problem there though is it is
female hogs that drive fertility,
given that one sow can have multiple
male pig fathers in a given litter.
So ideally, there'd be a contraceptive
targeting the sows as well as the boars,
but there isn't yet.
The bottom line here is that
as it stands, no single method
is gonna be able to control
our feral hog population by itself.
Instead, it's gonna take
a bunch of tools.
And the key is to use them wisely,
because all of them could backfire.
That's gonna mean hunting without
incentivizing the spread of pigs,
trapping in a way that doesn't
teach hogs to avoid traps,
and devising a toxic bait
that isn't unnecessarily cruel,
and doesn't do even more damage
to the environment.
And success is going to look different
depending on where you live.
In states with new or small hog
populations, eradication is possible.
Iowa, New York, and Idaho
have all managed to eliminate
feral hog populations because they
addressed the problem early on.
But for the hardest hit states,
like Texas,
the truth is, eradication
is never likely to happen.
In fact, researchers determined
Texas would need to remove
approximately two million wild pigs
per year
just to keep three million
of them on the landscape.
Which is a hell of a lot of hog killing
to still have a hell of a lot of hogs.
Look, let's face it here,
the hard truth is that feral hogs
are probably always gonna be with us
in some capacity.
But that doesn't mean
we have to surrender.
In fact, we shouldn't surrender.
Because if I've learned one thing
from the movies,
it's that whenever America gets
invaded, it fights back immediately,
after, that is, an appropriate
pause for an inspirational speech.
And if that is what America
needs right now,
then that is what it's gonna get.
Because look, I'm not saying
that this is gonna be easy.
But believe me,
if we work together,
we can look this hog invasion
straight in its beady little eyes,
and start pushing back!
You know, we can turn back
this pig tide, if we stand together.
We can defuse this pig bomb.
And we can push their population
back down to a manageable level.
Because right now,
they think they've beaten us,
just because these hogs are able
to routinely eat our crops
and destroy our fighter jets,
and snack on our baby turtles.
So, we need to respond,
with ingenuity, with grit
and I can't believe
I'm about to say this,
with a judicious application
of assault helicopters!
- I've got a gun!
- Good. Then you can bring it!
I've got a bucket of poison!
Actually, that needs more research,
so let's hold off on using it now,
and circle back later
when the science improves.
I've got
all these hog-sized condoms!
I absolutely love to hear it!
But unless you've got an IUD for pigs,
it's just not gonna be enough!
What I'm saying here is,
we need to work together.
In fact, you know what,
we have to work together.
And if we do, if we can catch
this menace by its curly little tail,
then I promise you, this will be
our swine-dependence day!
Yeah!
For all the hogs out there watching,
I have just one thing to say to you.
They get it! That's our show,
thank you so much for watching.
We'll see you next week,
good night!
I don't know what all that
hand action is but it looks good.